NPC Match 46 - Southampton 4 Coventry 0

Now that's What I Call a Pitch Invasion

It has been like waiting for Christmas as a kid.  Four sleeps to go, three sleeps to go... I’m 43 – grow up!!! Two, one, none... Saturday morning.  Surely we can’t allow ourselves to bugger this up now.  It’s 90 minutes of Saints v Coventry City.  Saints who’ve been in the top 2 all season with a very good home record, at home to Coventry, who are already relegated and with the worst away record in the division.  Oh yeah – and we’ve already beaten them away twice this season, once with a half strength team in the FA Cup…. Oooh, it’s on TV and we always lose on TV….  No we don’t and so fucking what.

Fat Sam kept the pot boiling with a 2-1 win at Leicester on Monday night when Leicester put in one of the best examples of a ‘couldn’t give a toss’ performance that I’ve ever seen.  As a result the permutations are these...

1.       Win and we’re up

2.       Lose and we’re up if West Ham don’t win.

3.       Draw and we’re up if West Ham don’t win.

4.       Draw and a West Ham win gets a bit complicated.

a.       West Ham win by 1 or 2 goals – Saints are up on goal difference

b.      West Ham win by 4 goals – West Ham are up on goal difference

c.       West Ham win by 3 goals – very complicated....

                                                               i.      West Ham win by 3 scoring 1 goal more than Saints get against Coventry  - Saints up on goals scored

                                                             ii.      West Ham win by 3 scoring 2 goals more than Saints get against Coventry  - Saints up on better head to head record

                                                            iii.      West Ham win by 3 scoring 3 goals more than Saints get against Coventry – West Ham up on goals scored

But bloody hell, we aren’t going to draw or lose – we’re going to win and make all the goal difference and goals scored and head to head comparisons irrelevant.

One interesting and quite frankly amusing spectacle this week has been Fat Sam mind games.  All he’s done is talk about Coventry and all the usual bollocks about the pressure being off them and playing with freedom and all that.  I’ve not seen him mention that West Ham have to win their game at home to Hull who also have nothing to play for but when all is said and done, are a much better side than Coventry.  Compare and contrast to Nigel who hasn’t mentioned West Ham – just put out the message that we are going to win our game.

The interviews coming out of the Saints camp have extolled the virtues of patience and not getting nervous.  What they are saying is “don’t start bitching if things don’t go immediately to plan”.  I am fully expecting, in fact I would put money on, me turning around and telling one or both of the Chuckle Brothers to shut the fuck up at some point before 1pm.  Nigel Adkins ensured that everyone was amused by stressing the need for calm heads but he did this by using the phrase “at the right level of arousal”.  I think the last manager who said anything like that was Avram Grant at Horton Heath or maybe David Pleat when he was kerb-crawling.

We have an injury concern in that Chappers is out with the hamstring pull he got up at Middlesbrough so there’s a gap at right midfield which I anticipate will be filled by Guly.  Nigel stressed that everyone else was fit bar Connolly and Tadanari Lee so we should go into the game in fairly good nick.  Coventry will have a load of kids in the team as unlike that financially embarrassed League 1 lot from down the road, they’ve not been afraid to blood their own youngsters as opposed to borrowing other peoples.  The rumoured record 32,300 crowd will either inspire them or hopefully, sink them.  Coventry manager and hard looking bastard Andy Thorn has promised us a scrap as of course he would.  It would be refreshing for a manager to come out and say “we’re down and the players want to go on holiday and we don’t give a shit about this game and we’d rather be anywhere else”.

To the teams and Guly is indeed, in on the right and Morgan is recalled with the bench finally being balanced with only one defender (Harding), along with Bart, Cork, de Ridder and Punch.  Guly was back to sporting his Mr T Mohawk hairstyle which makes him look hard.  Coventry had ex-Saint Martin Cranie in their side who was a victim of the Whisky George random selection policy when if rumour is to be believed, Whisky George was so pissed that he forgot who Cranie was.  The rest of the side appeared to be youth team graduates aged between 17 and 21, one of who was Gael Bigirimana who was voted Apprentice of the Season at the recent Football League awards and on his head he has one of those bristle brushes that you use to clean mud off your boots.

We kick off and the ball is played back to Foxy who bangs it forward for all the Coventry defenders to miss.  Billy Sharp hooks it into the box and Guly puts it over the bar with the aid of a deflection.  Should have been a corner really but we’ve had our first shot after about 6 seconds. Coventry settle down though and are playing well, especially Baker on the right wing who collects a big bang forward from the keeper after Big Jos misjudged the header and won a corner.  The corner travels right across and back again before being worked back to McSheffrey whose left foot snap shot is clawed away by Superkelv as 32,000 people momentarily shit themselves.

Baker is at the heart of another chance as he picks up the ball with distinct absence of Danny Fox and half to pitch to himself but instead of trying to pick out one of the three Cov forwards in the box, he chose to lash a shot into the crowd in embarrassingly inept fashion.

Having held off an attacker and picking up the ball, José suddenly went all Beckenbauer and set off up the pitch, slaloming past two players before reaching the edge of the box and playing it to Guly who got his head up and chipped it to Lallana on the edge of the box who lashed the volley past the keeper for 1-0 though Billy Sharp wheeled away implying that he’d got a touch.  Sure enough, TV replays proved that the initial shot was going to be saved but the deflection applied by Billy has left the keeper with no chance.  Get in!!!  The Stadium announcer gives the goal to Adam while Billy stands there pointing to himself.

As we built up down the right, Deano was slides in to retain possession and gets a kick in the back for his troubles and the move ended with Butters winning a corner on the right. Foxy went over to whip it in and José lost his marker and dived in to head it down, past the keeper and over the defender on the line for 2-0 to spark some big time José celebrations which were mainly about not being left with Jack Cork on zero goals for the season.

There is a mighty burst of “Sha la la, who the fuck is laughing now” before Baker reminds us that there’s still a game going on by forcing Superkelv into a decent low save.  Deano is not moving freely following the earlier kick in the back and so is replaced with Jack Cork before Billy gets put through by Morgan but takes too long to pull the trigger and is robbed at the death.

At half time we got the increasingly irrelevant news that Fat Sam has masterminded a 1-0 lead against Hull and following the relay race around the pitch, came the announcement from annoying bald guy that we should stay in our seats after the match.  As if.  A steward told me last year that they have to announce it, even though everyone knows it isn’t going to happen.

There is one potential issue to overcome and that’s the first ten minutes of the second half and its a bit of a worry that we have gone to the diamond midfield with Cork and Lallana right and left, Guly at the point in his best position and the imperious Morgan at the base who is having a brilliant match.   Any worries are misplaced as it’s pretty much plain sailing and we have the first chance as Guly feeds Corky on the right who delivers a great cross back to Guly who heads it over the bar and shows his annoyance by kicking the post.

A few minutes later and Billy tees up Sir Rickie who blasts a bullet of a shot just over the angle of post and bar.  The compliment is then returned as Sir Rickie’s clever ball puts Billy away against two defenders – the first one touches the ball and the second one hooks Billy over.  A clear penalty but not today and it’s the start of a duff couple of minutes for Billy with the ref as he gets clattered by a late tackle which the referee ignores.

As the hour mark approaches, we have another corner on the right and once more, Foxy comes over and whips it in.  Despite it being a bit low, no Coventry defender takes command and it falls to Billy who controls, spins and hits it.  It’s on target but blocked and comes out to Big Jos who hooks it into the net on for his 8^th goal of the season to make it 3-0 before milking the applause in a manner not seen since Papa Waigo at Wembley in the JPT final.  We are surely nearly there now – my Dad is bouncing up and down singing “we are going up” but I still can’t bring myself to join in yet.  This is what Southampton FC has made me over the years…. This is Dreamland though.

Dreamland then gets that little bit better as Butters gives the ball away, Guly wins it back and plays it to Corky who executes the ‘cross to Sir Rickie at the back stick’ ball to perfection.  The big man beats the defender and heads across to where Lallana has stolen in to hook it high into the net from a yard out.  4-0 and it’s time to start counting chickens, even for me…”we are going up”.

The next half an hour is pretty tame to be honest with nothing much going on.  Saints were content to play olé football in the middle of the park and Coventry were happy not to let in any more goals.  The Northam came up with a genius chant which spread round the whole ground of “We are Southampton – we’re shit on TV”.  Superkelv was forced into a ‘one for the cameras’ parry from the persistent Baker and Sir Rickie had a decent chance for a goal as he played a good 1-2 with Corky before sidefooting his effort to the keeper instead of trying to knock his head off like he should have done.  Billy Sharp is subbed for Steeeeeve with the vicious rumour being that Nigel was worried about Billy being too slow to get off the pitch before the pitch invasion.

Announcer:  “Ladies and Gentlemen, can I please remind you to stay in the seating area…”. 
Crowd: “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….on the pitch, on the pitch, on the pitch….” Etc.

Punch came on so Adam Lallana could get the standing ovation treatment and joined in the carnival atmosphere by passing the ball about.  For a second, we were like Barcelona with 50 passes without going anywhere.  Steeeeve broke down the right, got his head up to pick out a pass, delayed …. and then passed it straight to a Coventry player with none of ours anywhere.

People were gathering at the entrances so they could ignore the instructions to stay in the seated areas and the game was nearly done, the season was nearly done and we were 4-0 up.  Butters gave the ball away and from behind me came a ‘why-deeeee-do-dahhhht…-eee-always-does-dahhhhht –what-zeeeee-playin-ahhhhht’ moan from the Chuckle Brothers.  I politely pointed out that we were 4-0 up, 2 minutes from getting promoted and it really wouldn’t matter if he belted it 40 yards past our own keeper.  Actually, I wasn’t polite at all…”Stop fucking moaning for fucks sake, we’re 4-fucking-0 up and we’re going up”, was the gist of it.  Not proud of it but hopefully he’ll remember that when he’s renewing his season ticket and sit somewhere else - maybe he’ll sit near one of you dear readers…

The ref wasn’t hanging about and with injury time barely started, the final whistle blew and the stampede started.  Players disappeared to be hoisted up onto shoulders or passed along by a sea of hands.  Kids were on Dad’s shoulders and one of them smacked me on the head with a flag.  My dad didn’t fancy putting me on his shoulders and so we manoeuvred ourselves to where we could see the directors box to where the players eventually emerged to take the accolades.  I can’t do it justice on here – no chance, so I’m not going to try.  A quick mention though to whoever selected ‘Amarillo’ as the first song to blast through the PA at the end – nice one.  Who the Fuck is laughing now?

Well, where do we start?  The match itself was a bit of a procession once the first goal went in.  Until then Coventry had a few moments but nothing really serious but once we went in front it was men against boys and a case of how many did we want to get.  I remember Alex Ferguson saying once (after they dcked our very young side 3-0 in an FA Cup match) that you don’t want to humiliate young opposition and I think there was a case of that today as we went through the motions for the last half an hour.  Talking of that FA Cup match – that was when that total idiot Jan Poortvliet was in charge and no one in Southampton had heard of Markus Liebherr and Nicola Cortese.  For me, the standout individual performers today were Morgan Schneiderlin who was a class apart and the much maligned Guly do Prado who played with his head up today and barely wasted a pass.  Jose Fonte also had a very good game and was allowed to show what a good footballer he is, especially with the run for the first goal.

Coventry have the basis of a decent side if they can inject some experience into it but they have a fight on their hands to get rid of the cancer that is SISU before the club can move forward.  I was impressed by the number of their fans who showed up today considering they were already relegated and even more impressed by those who stayed past the end to watch the stampede onto the pitch.  I hope they get new owners and do well next season – maybe Mr Cortese knows someone.  Their fans were hoping that we’d join in with their ‘SISU out’ chants.  I think that normally we would have done but it was the wrong day for it I’m afraid.

Fat Sam managed to win 2-1 against Hull and sensibly took some key players off when it became obvious that we were going to win.  He’s in the playoffs with Birmingham, Blackpool and Cardiff and should be favourites.  If I had to put some money on though, it would go on Blackpool.  If West Ham don’t make it, then I look forward to Fat Sam’s reaction and to hear how it’s reported on Moose Radio, not to mention the rise in the price of dildos which will inevitably follow, should the Porn Barons need to supplement their parachute payments to fund the highest wage bill in the Championship for another year.  Whilst we’re having a laugh at other teams, Gus Poyet….Keep up and goodbye!!! … and I’m looking forward to going to Twitter and seeing how many Pompey fans are still saying “we fucked the Scummers season up”, which they’ve been doing since their winner, sorry… equalizer in the game at SMS.  Yes lads and lasses, it’s been a horrendous year for us while yours has been brilliant.  We’ll spend the summer planning to play Arsenal and Man United and you’ll spent it wondering if your club is going to survive and if it does, supporting your team of 18 year olds as you play Crawley.  Best Fans in the world ™… enjoy the pictures of the pitch invasion in your papers on Sunday and Monday.

When I eventually got home I thought I’d sit down and watch the whole match again but couldn’t because my Sky+ box had 0% space remaining and the recording had failed.  What I did have though was 75 unwatched episodes of Homes Under the Fucking Hammer and 20 unwatched episodes of some Disney Channel rubbish.  Not impressed but it didn’t really matter.  Managed to see it later with the highlight of the coverage being Deano saying ‘fucking brilliant’ live on TV at what would have been about 2.30 in the afternoon in front of an audience of millions.  Excellent.  Gabby Logan also deserves much credit for her sign off of "Saints doing fine on the Adkins diet but for Big Sam, the wait (weight) goes on".

There have been a number of Nigel Adkins interviews ranging from the emotional one straight after the whistle when he didn’t really want to talk, to the slightly surreal one when he was emotionally discussing eventually leaving the club which I took as being a philosophical appraisal of a football manager’s lot in life.  Death and taxes are inevitable for the rest of us but for a football manager it’s death, taxes and getting the sack unless you are Harry Redknapp and then it’s death, offshore accounts and court cases as your three certainties in life.  As for Nigel - he’ll be with us for a long time yet, of that I have no doubt.  These interviews were with a guy who has had a guard up for a whole year and were given at the precise moment that the enormous achievement made the guard slip for a second.

The players’ celebrations in the dressing room were captured and posted on the excellent and well worth the money, Saints Player with the highlights being Radhi Jaidi’s Michael Jackson impression and Tadanari Lee hopping round in a surgical boot.  Unbelievably Lee Barnard had been given a bottle to carry round and Tommy ‘the legend’ Forecast could be seen partying in large fashion.  Fair play to them all and they all deserve it.  We are going up. We are Premier League.  Thank you Southampton FC and to quote the skipper…

It’s been fucking brilliant.