L1-10 Midfielders and Attackers Review

If our strongest line up had been on the pitch then the right side of midfield would be taken by Jason Puncheon who is, as is the trend these days, very left footed. A mercurial player who was given the very heavy Matt le Tiss comparison when he signed in January from the MK Fake Dons. Le Tiss and heavy in the same sentence, who’d have thought? Undaunted, Punch scored a couple of early goals for us by cutting in on his good foot and curling it in the far corner which bought him a bit of time as a new player. Very skilful and a good dribbler but it comes with the territory that he’ll have some games where nothing at all works and it’s painful to watch. The stats show though that he’s worth persevering with as he does make things happen and he does create goals. I read a fans report on the Hartlepool home game and it said that Punch was awful and kept giving the ball away. When I saw the highlights on the telly, I noted that all three goals had been set up by the man who was apparently awful. For those who can’t remember, Le Tiss used to give the ball away a lot and would often look a bit silly because he’d tried something outrageous and it hadn’t quite worked. Punch isn’t in his class but he’s a decent player and a very astute signing. A loanee from Reading by the name of Michail Antonio was the other main player on the right wing and played a fair few games there in the first half of the season. After Christmas, he got used as a striker occasionally but was back on the wing whenever Punch was moved elsewhere. He is blessed with a lot of pace and a slightly odd running style which looks like his head is about to fall off. He’s another that can be poor but he makes things happen as he’s very direct and when on song, is unplayable at this level and towards the end of the season, started adding goals to the armoury which already included the pace and a Delapesque long throw. Reading were apparently keen to move him on at the start of the season and his contract was up but he’s done so well for us that they extended his contract by a year to make us pay a fee. It’ll be interesting to see if we go back for him. I think we should as he‘s an exciting player who will only get better. There were a few bit-part players used on the right wing: Papa Waigo N’Diaye would fire over some decent crosses on the rare occasions that he wasn’t offside and he finished a fair few games out there as he got thrown on as a sub at the end when we needed a goal. Right wing was Lloyd James’ 2nd most inept positioning in that his defending wasn’t such an issue but his appalling crossing was highlighted more. Also used very occasionally was Jake Thomson who is following Lloyd out the door and rightly so. He weighs about 7 stone and plays like he should still be in age-group football. He was loaned out to Torquay for most of the season but sadly, he played for us in a home game against Brentford where we ended up with James at right back and Thomson at right midfield and they both stood and watched as the left back ran past them and crossed for a goal. The next time we’ll see Thomson will probably be in the World Cup 2014 as he’s declared allegiance to Trinidad and Tobago.

Central midfield was a strange area this season and one that I don’t feel we ever really got right. The defensive midfielder was usually Morgan Schneiderlin and therein (in my opinion) lies the problem. When on song he’s a great ball player and can drop a ball on someone’s foot from miles away. The trouble for me is that he does it from too deep. On the rare occasion he has got towards the oppositions box this season he has made things happen and he has the ability to get goals and assists on a regular basis. He is much improved on last season and added some steel to his game, flying into tackles and managing to be the only Saints player sent off all season, a feat he managed twice. The red card at MK Dons was harsh but he gave the ref the opportunity by grabbing the bloke round the throat. The one at Yeovil was just petulant and stupid. If he improves again next year and plays further forward then we’ll have some player on our hands. Dean Hammond was the other central midfielder and skipper of the side and man charged with being a box to box player and getting some goals. He managed this to a reasonable degree and had a solid season. Again with him I feel he could do more and maybe being charged with being the holding player rather than the attacking one would be the way to go. He’s physically imposing, likes sliding around and kicking people, works bloody hard and has a good engine, whilst creativity is not really his thing. I would like to see him control games a bit more which he should be able to do at this level. At the end of the season, following Morgan’s latest red card, Jason Puncheon was playing in the middle but he’s better suited out wide where it’s less congested and he can work his magic and it doesn’t matter as much if he coughs up possession. The main reserve player for central midfield was Paul Wotton Football Genius. If I could go for a pint with any player, it would be him – honest as the day is long. He’s a very limited player but he knows it and has squeezed out a decent career at Plymouth and Saints with good attitude and hard work as his selling points. He knows he’s not ever going to be a regular, is happy with that and is used mainly as a sub to kill the game. When introduced, usually with us one goal up, he either got to the pace of things straight away and did everything right or alternatively, he was five minutes behind the play and never got a touch, only hoofing the odd player into orbit if they got in his way. He has another year on his contract and it was nice to see him start the JPT Final at Wembley. Central midfield was Lloyd James best position by far which isn’t saying much and he did have a few games in there which were decent when partnered with Hammond. When he stuck to winning the ball and passing it five yards then he was ok but anything more than that, forget it. Also, if he messed up a pass, he kept on doing as if trying to prove that he could, rather than just cutting his losses and keeping it simple. Talking of simple – Jacob Mellis – fucking hell. Signed on loan from Chelsea, the next big thing, England under 19 captain and all that …. Shite. Not fit for purpose. Maybe he didn’t want to be here cos that what it looked like whenever he played. Some nice touches on occasion but basically rubbish and not up to rough and tough League 1. He went back to Chelsea in January – officially they wanted him back for their FA Cup run (which of course he never played in) but I reckon Pards was on the phone to Carlo Ancelotti saying whatever ‘take him back he’s shit’ is, in Italian. A mention too for Simon Gillett who is also moving on. At 24 it was now of never for Simon and ‘never’ was the winner. On loan to Doncaster in the Championship for most of the season and apparently he did ok but was never going to get a game here. He had to be something special to make up for only being 5 foot 2 (5 foot 7 officially – my arse!!!) and despite him having some decent games under the Dutch Clowns, I was never convinced by him and don’t feel that this one will come back to bite us. So, Gillett at 5 for 2 and Oscar Gobern at 7 ft 2 and about 8 stone of Carlton Palmer lookalike central midfielder. Bambi doesn’t look ready yet and is one to watch for next season where I personally don’t see him making much of an impression unless he seriously beefs up and the same applies to Callum McNish who made on appearance this season.

The left of midfield was owned by Adam Lallana which sorted out the question of where he was going to play this season. Adam had an excellent campaign that yielded 20 goals and some excellent performances due to him being more direct and more willing to take on the full back. If he managed to get himself one on one with the right back then usually good things happened and he was a pleasure to watch this season. Personally, I love the way he kills a ball which may have come down with snow on it – fantastic touch. He worked a lot harder this season than before as well and benefitted from a long run in the team and a regular full back behind him. He could and should have scored more with some of his finishing being particularly wasteful as he tried to pass the ball into the net when the whole crowd was of the opinion that he should ‘just fucking hit it’. Personally I’d like to hit Lee Holmes, not because I advocate violence but because he’s a soft bastard who would just sit on the floor crying and wouldn’t hit me back. Usually I’ll back a player with ability but what’s the point with this guy? His effectiveness is questionable as he hasn’t got the pace to beat a full back and you can’t rely on a nice touch to do everything for you. Surprisingly recalled to the team around Christmas from out of nowhere and then discarded again just as quickly. No word for a while and then shock of shocks, injured again and there’s no such thing as a one week layoff with this guy, on no, it’s six months or nothing. A strange lad and I remember one game when he was absolutely knackered after 10 minutes which was really odd given that he’s allegedly very fit. I was hoping his contract would be up in the summer but apparently he has another year. I’d like odds on him playing more than 10 games next season. Joseph Mills had the odd game on the left wing as well which only served to confirm that he’s a full back and Papa Waigo N’Diaye started a couple of games on the left so he could be offside from a different perspective. Some can be a right footed player on the left and then there’s Papa. I'm not sure which position Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain favours but he's one youngster that I'm genuinely excited about. He has a rare confidence about him for a 16 year old and is not afraid to take on big lumpy defenders who are going to try and kick big lumps out of him. His dad played for England so the pedigree's there - mind you, Bradley Wright-Phillips dad also played for England.

Up front, Pards favoured the big guy-little guy combination and we’ll start with the little guy. Marek Saganowski started the season in the team, mainly because we hadn’t managed to sell him and we had no one else. He didn’t want to play in League 1 and it showed as a player who had played in Euro 2008, managed to do nothing against League 1’s finest. Undoubtedly a good player but undoubtedly couldn’t be bothered at the end and his one decent moment of the season was diving to win a penalty against Yeovil. We finally managed to flog him to some team from some country where you’d never want to go. David Connolly was finally signed on a one year deal after proving to Pards that two years of injuries and not playing were behind him. To start with all was good and a fine player scored some great goals and quite a few of them and then the inevitable happened and he did a Pahars and disappeared for 4 months. It was a real shame as he has a cleverness of movement, speed of thought and a deadly finish that is not evident in many other forwards in this League. Sometimes he can be a bit Ormerod with his first touch and lack of shielding of the ball but I always feel that he’s just feeling his way into games and almost waiting to get injured, like he doesn’t trust his body to hold up. Connolly’s injury problems meant that we muddled by with one striker over Christmas until the January transfer window came round and we signed Lee Barnard from Southend. Looking back, I think this was a bit of a Championship Manager signing in that we bought a player who had scored a lot of goals for Southend and was cheap as he was coming to the end of his contract. At the start it certainly looked like he couldn’t play well with Rickie Lambert due to them both not being the quickest but as time went on, Barnard started playing deeper and the two worked well. He doesn’t seem to have convinced the manager completely though as you know that he’ll be the first man subbed even when he’s played well. The other thing that is guaranteed is that he will start arguing with the ref, usually with justification but he goes all red in the face and looks like he’s about to throw all his toys out of the pram and stamp on them. I have a 5 year old son who I send to his room when he acts like that. That said, I think he’s a big player for us next season and having settled in now and he’ll be banging them in for fun as like Connolly, he has an intelligence about his movement that will always create opportunities, even if he’s not the quickest. Talking of quick, Papa Waigo N’Diaye often found himself up front and he’s another that makes things happen as he has that air of unpredictability about him, the opposition don’t know what he’s about to do and Papa, sure as shit doesn’t know either. He scores and creates goals and as has already been mentioned, is always offside, I mean always. It’s not just a foot or two because he just got caught, it’s usually by about 10 yards, it’s not because a defender moved up behind him and he didn’t see him, it’s usually when he’s on the wing and can see everything. A great character though with dancing feet and it was one of my moments of the season when he scored and milked the celebration at the JPT final. I don’t think he’ll be back next year but I hope he is.

Our big, rough, tough, centre forward at the start of the season should have been Grzegorz Rasiak who was neither rough or tough and who wanted away asap so he only played a cuople of games before being sold to Reading. So, the job went to Matt Paterson and he scored in the opening game and looked promising. He disappeared off into the reserves for a bit and didn't do much. When Barnard was signed from Southend, they needed a player in return and so Paterson was off. I got the impression at the time that it was a necessary sale and that we didn’t really want him to go but when Southend came to SMS on the last day of the season he missed two absolute sitters and reminded me that he had no composure in front of goal which is a bit of a problem when you’re a centre forward. Matt’s replacement was of course, Sir Rickie Lambert who was signed for a million quid from Bristol Rovers. He arrived with a reputation for scoring goals a being a bit of a fat boy so of course, he got the No 7 shirt. He scored after 20 minutes of his first Saints game and never looked back, finally ending the season on 37. Right foot, left foot, headers, long range, incredibly long range, scruffy tap ins, penalties, free kicks, you name it, he can do it all. In addition to all this, he developed into a very good target man and held the play up brilliantly to bring others into play. He’d be playing in the Prem if he was quick and luckily for us, he’s not. Also, he managed to lose weight throughout the season and maintain the strength to play virtually every minute of every match. I did think he looked completely knackered from about Christmas to March but he still managed to keep scoring. Player of the season by a mile and we should be looking to keep him here for the rest of his career. Long live Sir Rickie….

It obviously remains to be seen whether Michail Antonio and/or Papa Waigo return next year and if they don’t, we need to add some pace to the side or at least, to the bench. We also need a player in central midfield to pressurise Schneiderlin and Hammond and Pards has intimated as much already. Up front, Sir Rickie will score goals by the bucketful again next year and both Connolly and Barnard will get their share with hopefully, Connolly staying fitter and available for more games (assuming he re-signs). The thing that could blow a real hole in our promotion prospects is an injury to Lambert and we have to sign a similar type of player to guard against this, ideally someone who can play up with Rickie or instead of him, good for 15 games a season. It would also be nice to allow Rickie to sit on the bench occasionally. Lambert, Lallana and Schneiderlin are all going to be linked with other clubs and we have to hope that we can hang on to all three. If we can and add to the squad, we’ll be flying…

Bring it on….

L1-10 Goalkeepers and Defenders Review

Kelvin Davis was the man in possession of the keepers jersey whenever he was fit in 2009/10. In contrast to when he first started playing for us, the only thing he dropped all year was the team captaincy which went to Dean Hammond. A sound season really and I reckon you could count the mistakes on one hand which is pretty good going over a season. Every so often comes along a game when he appears to have been nailed to the goal line but as a League 1 club we are lucky to have him and he would walk into most Championship sides. Let us not forget that he could have cleared off when all was shocking before the takeover and taken the easy money, sitting on the bench at West Ham. He got injured once this season which let in Bartosz Bialkowski for a few matches to the horror of many. I take pleasure in saying that I wasn’t in the least bit bothered because I knew that given a run of games, Bart’s confidence would soar as long as he remained clanger free for the first couple. Due to our territorial dominance of many matches, he managed this and went from strength to strength, culminating in saving three penalties in the JPT game at home to Norwich. He was stood down as soon as Davis was fit again which I thought was harsh as he had done nothing to warrant losing the shirt. Next year I would like him to start in all Cup games at least and would have no problems if he was first choice as I believe in time he will prove to be a better goalkeeper that Kelvin. He’s out of contract as we speak but has been offered a new deal. I hope he signs it because then we can try and shift Tommy Forecast who has now been with us for two seasons without getting anywhere near the first team which is somewhat surprising given that he was a ‘future England keeper’ when we signed him. He went out on loan this season to Grimsby and they sent him back after one game. They managed to get relegated out of the Football league so imagine how badly they’d have done if he played two games. I like him because of the middle names you can give him as puns on his surname – Bleak, Dreadful, Piss Poor, Dismal, Shit, Bollocks and Crappy being some of the better ones. Here’s my forecast – he’ll never play for England, or Saints. Good job Rupert Lowe only gave him a 5 year contract otherwise we’d be stuck with him. Our 4th choice keeper was Michael Poke who played a few games last year and spent this year on loan at Torquay. He’s been released and good luck to him. He reminded me a bit of Daryl Flahavan who was our 3rd choice for a while and he had a decent career in League 1 and 2 so hopefully Poke can do the same.

Right back has been a cse of mix and match for the entire season, until the last few months when Jon Otsemobor nailed down the spot, only he didn’t really nail to down – more like he put a bit of blu-tack on it. I remember Jon playing a few games for Liverpool and of course, the aforementioned ass-shooting incident but sadly, he made me remember two right backs of Saints past in Darren Kenton and Uli Van Gobbel. All three were blessed with very good pace but no brain whatsoever. The pace was a device to make up for this. If Jon didn’t have pace then he wouldn’t be a footballer as he has nothing else – offering not a lot going forward and seemingly devoid of will-to-win, as indicated by the amount of tackles he didn’t quite make. He signed on a six month contract and has not been offered a deal for next season which I think is a good thing as we are aiming high and he’s not good enough. Also not good enough and on his way is Lloyd James who played a few games at right back this season in which he proved that he can’t cross a ball or defend. It’s all very well saying he’s versatile but it doesn’t really matter if you can play badly in a number of positions. I feel that he may prove to be a decent player somewhere down the line but he’s Jack of No Trades at the moment. Wayne Thomas had a few games at right back as well despite being a centre back but he had the strength to give it a go but when he got up the pitch, his crossing was terrible. Also, when attacked with pace he got absolutely slaughtered and didn’t know what to do. He has a mercurial talent for winding up the opposition though, is a big tough bastard and did contribute the ‘best right back goal’ since Ivan Golac (v Ipswich) but again, is not the long term answer and has also been released. I personally would have liked him to stay but when you consider his injury record and the fact that he’d only ever be a cover player, it’s not really surprising. The man slated to play right back this season was Graeme Murty who signed on a free from Reading and looked good whenever he played, which unfortunately was the grand total of 9 times as he picked up two bad injuries. He’s also been released but offered the olive branch of training to get fit and then we’ll see what happens. Whilst he’s been unlucky, he looks like he likes a pint and a pie and you can’t really see him getting back to peak fitness. I hope I’m wrong but I think he could be appearing in a Sunday Morning Veracity Ground game soon. So, 4 right backs, none of whom will be at the club next season, which leaves Dan Harding as the only other player who has played there this year and he’s a left back whose right foot is only there to stop him falling over.

The Left back position has been the property of Dan Harding for all bar a few games around Christmas. I’m sure if you look up ‘consistency’ in the dictionary, it will have a picture of Dan next to it as he really never has a bad game. For a free transfer he’s been brilliant, getting forward and getting crosses in as well as not getting beaten too often at the back. That’s a bit of a mystery to me as he does look a bit slow on the turn at times but he does read the game well and always manages to just do enough. He was rested for a bit and Joseph Mills came into the side. He should be nicknamed 'Heather' (and not 'Fish'), due to only having one foot (as fish have no feet), he’s a player who looked promising but seemed to have lost his way a bit. When he played at left back this year, he has looked good and it was nice to see him get the nod for the JPT final with Harding stitched up on the right. Like with Bart, I hope he gets to play at least in all the cup games next season and he won’t let anyone down.

The centre back partnership used most often at the end of the year was Jose Fonte and Radhi Jaidi – two class performers who have a much higher pedigree than playing in League 1. Jaidi is a colossus of a man and must have headed away thousands of aimless punts up the field this season as our opponents often used to work on the theory that he’ll miss one eventually. Yes he’s a bit limited on the floor and yes he’s knocking on a bit but it’s fine when he’s complimented with a skilful ball playing centre half like Jose Fonte who is quite simply, class. Pace, awareneness, distribution, strong in the tackle, good in the air… check. Different class and no more needs to be said. How on earth we managed to sign him is a mystery but hopefully his assertion that Saints would be his quickest way into the Premier League will be proved correct. Jaidi’s regular partner at the start of the season was Neal Trotman, a loanee from Preston who was a big ungainly bastard who just tackled it or headed it away, or frequently, upwards. 50p head and it was very amusing watching him try to execute a pass or something technical like that. In my view he scored the funniest goal of the season when the Southend keeper had the ball in his hands and Trotters just put everything in the net, ball, keepers hands, severed head etc. 100% commitment though and he did a good job, especially when he came back when on loan to Huddersfield and we won 5-0. Dan Seaborne was signed from Exeter in the January window and the jury is still out on him a bit. He looks ok when everything is in front of him and he can attack the ball but when the opposition get it down and try and pass it through us – he looks like a fish up a tree. Likewise, he can hit a nice pass when he has time but if he gets closed down then he has the Benali touch when it comes to sliced, crowd endangering clearances. He will improve though, as will Aaron Martin who signed from Eastleigh and played the last two games of the season and looked like a decent prospect. He’s a big unit and communicates well for a young lad. Again, he looked a bit suspect on the floor but I have a real will for him to be a good player as he’s a local lad, signed from a local non-League team so I hope he gets a few games next season. When the season started, the only two centre halves on the books were Wayne Thomas who was always injured and Chris Perry who was 36. Perry played a few up until Christmas and then fell out of favour and down the pecking order when Seaborne and Fonte arrived. He’s been released for next season but I’d just like to pay a personal tribute to The Rash who has been a fantastic player over the years for Wimbledon and Spurs and even for us, managed to put in some very good performances, even in the relegation season with the Dutch clowns in charge. Hell, I’d have still had him in the team this season whenever one of Fonte and Jaidi was unfit. A model pro who I hope gets to continue in the game in whatever capacity he wishes. I was delighted that he got on the pitch at Wembley in the JPT Final in what was his last appearance for us. A fitting place to bow out. Wayne Thomas had a few games at centre back but Pards didn’t seem to want to pick him there unless he had to – maybe because he was a bit of a walking red card but when Thommo plays well (Luton at home) there are not many better. Sadly, he didn’t do that often enough. Last and least, we had Ollie Lancashire, one of the worst players I’ve ever seen play for Saints. Don’t let the door hit your ass.

For next year, in my opinion we’re ok in goal, at left back and at centre back. Right back is of course a problem and the only one we now have at the club is Jason Dodd who is as old as me and I won’t see 40 again. We’ve already been linked with Brighton’s Inigo Calderon so I would expect one if not two right backs to arrive in the summer. Maybe there will be another centre back arrival but I don’t think this is really a priority unless someone picks up a long term injury.

The Southern Daily Bullshit Mail

No sooner had the season ended then two publications in particular took it upon themselves to run with a story that Alan Pardew was going to get sacked and replaced with Steve Cotterill. Nicola Cortese was unhappy at failing to make the playoffs and Markus Liebherr was unhappy for the same reason and had boycotted the Southend game in protest. Nicola and Markus were allegedly unhappy enough to sack the manager despite Saints having started with -10, no squad and no pre-season and despite winning the JPT and being the best team in the league since the end of the January transfer window and every bookies favourite to win the league next year. There was to be a board meeting on Wednesday and Pardew was to be fired and then, due to unforeseen reasons, the meeting was to be moved to Thursday. The publications of course are the Southern Daily Echo and The Daily Mail.

Following this statement http://www.saintsfc.co.uk/page/NewsDetail/0,,10280~2051138,00.html made by Nicola Cortese on Thursday, you can see that the esteemed publications got just about everything wrong. Here’s the list.

1) The meeting was on Wednesday after all
2) Markus didn’t boycott
3) Nicola was not unhappy enough to sack the manager
4) Alan Pardew is still our manager for next season
5) Steve Cotterill won’t be our manager next season

In addition, on the Thursday that the statement came out, The Echo carried a story claiming Saints were being hindered by the confusion, the presence of which was totally caused by The Daily Echo. Of course, The Echo put up a new article about the statement and selectively picked out the parts where digs were made at Lawrie Mac and Matt le Tiss which were, in my opinion, a bit unnecessary even if they were basically true. The Echo of course, totally failed to mention the part about themselves which was completely and utterly 100% justified.

This story was totally spun from a comment Cortese made in January / February which was ‘our results haven’t been good enough’ and from the fact that The Daily Echo is banned from St Mary’s, having upset Cortese over a story regarding the new training complex. No other comment has been forthcoming from him since and no comment from Markus Liebherr at all. I don’t really know why the Daily Mail are stirring the shit as well. Martin Samuel (their main footy journo) took a big swipe at Cortese a couple of months ago for the interview he gave on the radio about how the club was being run and also, Charles Sale was allegedly a mate of he who shall not be mentioned but he had his own RL tracksuit (and I’m not talking Rickie Lambert here)

So, despite the lack of any fact at all, the papers spun and to my disappointment but not to my surprise, people swallowed it and we had messageboard meltdown.

Years ago it was called Chinese Whispers where someone would hear a story, misinterpret it or not hear it properly and then pass it on. Now, some people try to give their views more credence by claiming to be ‘In the Know’. These people hardly ever give a source as if they had a source, that kind of implies that they have a friend. The ITKers come in two categories, the first of which is ITK1 – those that try to sound credible and on the whole, manage it. Then we have ITK2 which is those who are complete idiots who haven’t got a clue and it’s totally obvious they need medical help, should not be allowed to drive a car or work with machinery. An ITK3 is a rare thing, someone who is genuinely in the know. If ITK3 exists at all then he is usually obliterated by all the ITK1s and 2s. Then of course, in addition to ITK1,2 and 3, you have the wind up merchants who are deliberately trying to goad people. I actually find these less irritating than the ITKers because you know that they ‘get it’ and are having a laugh.

So, take a quote from 4 months ago, add a bit of Daily Echo, add some Daily Mail, thrown in a couple of hidden agendas and a generous helping of shit, grate in some ITK1s, bring to the boil, add in some diced ITK2s and finally garnish with some Sweet ‘n’ Sour WUMs and voila…. Deep Fried Bollocks with a side order of Bullshit.

We, as fans, have got to have our own mind and find a way to see through all this crap. It’s like surveying the celebrity magazines on a newsagent where on the same day, you could see headlines of ‘Kerry Katona: I’m back’, ‘Kerry says I’m suicidal’, Kerry on Drugs, Kerry is clean, Kerry wants more kids, Kerry can’t have more kids, Kerry is fat again, Kerry is Size 8. None of them ever say the truth which is ‘Kerry is a Fucking Waste of Space who should be Put Down like you do with any Other Useless Old Dog’. I’m not going to suggest anyone boycotts this or that because it’s none of my business (and no one listens to me anyway) but consider the facts before getting all excited / depressed about something you’ve read.

As for Saints – the RL years saw plenty of farcical, negative things happen that were newsworthy and The Echo had a role in bringing those to the fans because otherwise, we wouldn’t have known about them. However, the Liebherr / Cortese ship is very obviously, very well run and there really is ‘nothing to see here’ on the negative side so far. Bad news sells more than good news though and consequently, in the absence of bad news, the media will always feel the need to make up shite, polish it and try and pass it off as a diamond, especially if they have their own agendas.

I like my Club – I like the positive energy coming out of it and I want it to stay that way.

League 1 Match 46 - Southampton 3 Southend 1

Last game of the season and it’s Southend at home who have sadly, already been relegated. We had them in the last game three years ago when also, they had been relegated and it was a good occasion with lots of decent banter between the fans and Saints winning 4-1 to clinch a playoff spot under the managerial genius of George Hic Burley Whisky please. We could have done with a really nice warm day to send everybody to SMS in a good mood but in contrast, the weather was cold, damp and generally shit.

Saints had done business with Southend during the season of course, in a transfer that rivalled the Ibrahimovic – Eto’o swap deal between Barcelona and Inter Milan where Eto’o plus £30 million went to Inter and Ibrahimovic went to Barca. In our case, Lee Barnard went to Saints for £200k and Matt Paterson went to Southend for a football, some cones, a book of stamps and an out of data Wagon Wheel.

Paterson was in the Southend line-up but Barnard wasn’t in ours due to an injury picked up last week. There were four chances to last week with Dan Harding coming in for Heather Mills, Radhi Jaidi coming in for Jose Fonte who was still on the toilet, Michail Antonio coming in for the ‘rested’ Lloyd James and some promising youngster called Lambert in the side in place of the aforementioned Barnard. Aaron Martin kept his place and there was a place on the bench for Alex Double-Barrel.

Again, the first half was pretty uneventful with neither keeper being tested. David Connolly was having a mare up front for us with nothing sticking and him being barged off the ball whenever it went near him. That said, the service up to him was dreadful with the midfield struggling to put anything together and it was all a bit one paced. Southend were trying to play but had nothing up front so the game was a kind of midfield mess.

There was a vaguely exciting moment on the 25 minute mark as the ball came out to Capn Hammond on the edge of the box but it sat up too high and despite getting the volley away well, it flew just over. Deano found himself free on the left a few minutes later as well but skewed his shot across the goal.

All in all it was a bit of a bore and half time couldn’t come soon enough. Half time was spent trying to listen in on the conversation that the Chuckle Brothers were having behind me. It was a vitally important as it centrered on whether they were going to renew their season tickets for next year. To my joy and delight…. They are renewing and I felt like rolling up my programme and making animal noises through it…. But I couldn’t because I didn’t have a programme and neither did anyone else, due to them being mysteriously withdrawn from sale before kick off. I went for a pee and a wander around the concourse and the reasons for the programme withdrawal that I heard were a) Pards took offence to something, b) Information about someone leaving was in there, c) printing problem, d) Page 7 fella spread of Nicola Cortese had the wrong vital statistics on it. Don’t you just know that The Echo or the Daily Mail will make a massive deal of this….

Michail Antonio failed to appear for the second half and was replaced by Papa Waigo so in effect, we waved goodbye to defending the right hand side. Saints nearly took the lead through the most unlikely of sources when football broke out on the pitch and we kept it on the ground for a few passes which allowed Otsemobor to get forward and lash in a shot which the keeper parried out.

Matt Paterson then found himself in on goal from our newly vacated right hand side having outpaced Jaidi and in front of 25,000 saints fans had the chance to prove why he should have been kept…. and he totally bollocksed it into the Northam. All he did was prove why we had to get some more banjos when he left as we now had forwards who could actually hit a cows arse with one. “That’s why were going down” chanted the Southend faithful in a great show of black humour, rivalled only by their “Que Sea Sera….we’re going to Shrews-bury” chant which made sporadic appearances throughout the game.

In a not entirely unsurprising development, Southend again built an attack on our right and the ball found itself with Frank Moussa who skipped inside a nothing challenge and curled a lovely shot into the top corner from 25 yards to give Southend the lead. Fair play to them as it was a bloody good goal and they’d been the better side. I bet the Southend fans knew what was coming next though and it took Saints all of two minutes to get level as Waigo took a shot corner to Puncheon who took on a defender and fired in a cross which Sir Rickie stooped to head home from all of four yards for League goal number 30 of the season.

Connolly was put out of his misery and replaced with Paul Wotton as Pards sought to add some guile and creativity to the proceedings. Whilst play was going on, a stern voice came over the tannoy instructing everyone not to make incursions onto the pitch. The last time I heard the word ‘incursions’ said in that tone of voice was on the news referring to Basra and Helmand Province. Five minutes went by and then the same announcement was repeated only this time it got shouted down as believe it or not, people were trying to watch the game.

Lallana then sparked into life and tricked his way down the left before feeding Puncheon whose shot was saved. Then Papa Waigo came up with one of those genius moments which will go in his ’10 Greatest Offsides’ end of season DVD. He was out on the right wing and looking across the line and still managed to be five yards offside. Pillock. Lallana had given him the ball and a few in the crowd were moaning at him but come on, he can’t have been expecting Papa to have got himself offside when he could see everything.

Saints were playing properly now and building up nicely but still finding the final ball an issue and Dan Harding took ownership of the problem and lashed a hopeless wrong footed Paterson of a shot miles wide from 30 yards out. Sub time and Alex Double-Barrel came on for Punch and immediately twisted his way towards goal from out on the left and had his shot well saved at the near post.

There was just 6 minutes to go as Lambert weaved (well, maybe he swayed a bit) into the area and was felled in slow motion by a clumsy tackle by M’Voto who had been a rock up to that point. After a request from Lallana to be allowed to take the penalty, (thankfully rejected) and a request from the crowd for Paul Wotton to take it (mercifully rejected), Sir Rickie blasted home, low to the keeper’s left for 2-1.

The game was done at this point but there was still time for Lallana to notch his 20th goal of the season as Harding picked him out with a nice reverse pass and Adam made no mistake as the keeper came out. He took the booking for removing his shirt, revealing the physique of a stick insect – the lad needs a few beers and some pies.

So, 3-1 and full time and it was time for a pitch incursion which would not have been any worse if they hadn’t made the stupid announcement. The few lads were cleared away and the players took a deserved lap of honour. We weren’t great today but we didn’t really have to be and just playing for 20 minutes was enough. In truth though, if Southend hadn’t scored it would probably have finished 0-0. Decent performance from Aaron Martin at the back and as long as he keeps improving, I wouldn't mind him playing a few games next season. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain looked decent when he came on as well and is another who could have an impact next year.

For me it’s been a very good season and we’ve finished 7th, 7 points behind Huddersfield in the last playoff position having of course, started on minus 10. we didn’t win for 10 games as the squad we started with was desperate but once we were up and running and strengthened in January we were arguably the best side in the League. We eill do very well next season as long as things are kept in place and there are no major upheavals. On that subject…..

In my opinion and entirely predictably, the one comment Nicola Cortese made about ‘results not being good enough’ which was at the time (January) entirely justified has played into the hands of poor journalists who have rehashed the story every slow news day. We are unquestionably getting better all the time so in my view, the speculation that Pards is leaving etc is a load of balls. Get used to it though because there’s going to be a lot of it over the summer as there is too many media outlets and they all have to come up with something sensational to make you read them as opposed to someone else. Me – I trust Markus, Nicola and Pards and until they speak, I don’t believe a word of it.

So - last game but not the last entry on the blog. I'll throw together an end of year summary and individual bits on the players and then we're into the World Cup which has nothing whatsoever to do with SFC but you never know, I might cover it for a laugh. Thanks for reading so far....

Jon Otsemobor - An Apology

Since I published the blog on the Gillingham game, it's been pointed out to me that it was in fact Lloyd James who got skinned for the 2nd goal and not Jon Otsemobor. That said, I hope that Jon 'one game to go' Otsemobor still applies.

League 1 Match 45 - Gillingham 2 Southampton 1

Gillingham away at the Priestfield Stadium in what for us, was a dead rubber without those pesky playoffs to worry about. In the build up this week, much was made of the need to finish strongly and the fact that it would make no difference to our performance that we couldn’t get promoted any more. As an observer, you could either take that at face value and believe we would put in a performance or alternatively, you could draw on your experience of supporting Saints over the years and suspect that it was all bollocks and the players would already be in holiday mode.

The team line-up will tell us for sure whether anyone cared about this game and then Aaron Martin’s name was read out in the starting XI and Sir Rickie was a sub. The full list of changes was Martin, Joseph Mills, Lloyd James, David Connolly and Lee Barnard in, Lambert, Harding, Seaborne, Antonio and Waigo out. The only change that I read any significance into was Lloyd James in the centre of midfield as clearly, we need back up for Hammond and Schneiderlin for next season and this was a chance for James to stake his claim, a claim that I am 100% convinced that he won’t take.

We started off badly which is no surprise given the changes that had been made and it took us a full 18 minutes to go a goal behind when a ball was played through our defence and Davis came steaming out and instead of putting it out for a throw, wellied it straight into Fonte. The rebound could have gone anywhere but unluckily it went straight to Howe who had an empty net to shoot into which he duly did.

Jose Fonte was touch and go for this game with a sickness bug. I’m guessing that his first touch and composure were two of the things that came out of him and ended up in the toilet. Every time Gillingham attacked, there was Jose, slicing it up in the air, missing it altogether or carting the forward up in the air.

Half time and we had nil which was more generous than we deserved as we had been diabolical by all accounts so it was time for Pards to do something about it. Fonte was replaced with Seaborne and went for a lie down and Sir Rickie came on for Lallana, meaning we went 4-3-3 with Lambert, Connolly and Barnard up front. Sadly for all except members of his family and anyone connected with Gillingham, Lloyd James was still on the pitch.

We had an early second half chance with barnard’s shot looping up off a defender and landing on the roof of the net but things were to get worse before they got any better and on 50 minutes, Simeon Jackson headed against a post and we totally failed to get away with it as the ball found itself out on the left wing where the winger totally skinned ‘One game to go’ Otsemobor and crossed for Gowling to head home. 2-0 and deservedly so.

Gills nearly went 3-0 as Heather Mills headed one off the line but at least Saints were creating a bit now as Papa Waigo had come on for Barnard and as usual, the dancing man was making things happen and he almost scored with his first touch. This is the sort of thing they say on the radio or on an official match report but what in fact happened was that Connolly set him up and he dithered and didn’t even get the shot away.

With Lambert on the pitch, Saints are a different side and we put pressure on as Gills got nervous and the goal duly arrived on 65 minutes as Puncheon cut in from the right and toe poked a pass to Connolly who lashed it in from the edge of the box. So, 2-1 and 25 minutes of mayhem and hopefully exploiting our opponents nerves. Well, a bit…

Firstly Sir Rickie controlled a cross with his chest and then volleyed into the ground and the keeper flapped it over the bar. Papa Waigo got through on the left and instead of shooting, opted for the unselfish option of squaring it along the six yard line to the onrushing Saints player that only he had seen – because there wasn’t any bugger there. Out final chance fell to Connolly in the last minute but his falling volley just flopped into the keeper. All a bit half arsed and so the final whistle went and the Gills were happy.

And so we lost and does anyone give a toss? Not really, would be my guess. We played a bit of a weakened side but I think we could safely argue that many more high profile sides than ourselves have done much worse this year. It’s a bit naughty really because the win does Gillingham a massive favour in their quest to stay in League 1 and some of the other teams down there like Exeter and Leyton Orient might not be too pleased with us. The thought of Barry Hearn not being too pleased with us is one I can live with however. On the other hand, Gillingham have one of the best home records in the division so maybe it’s not such a big shock that we went tits up, especially with our tendency to struggle against the lower placed sides away from home.

From a Saints point of view, we remained in the same position in the League and we will finish 7th as long as we beat already relegated Southend at home next week. It’s worth finishing 7th because you never know, a team may get liquidated from higher up the pyramid (can’t imagine who I’m thinking of here) and then who knows what will happen with the promotion and relegation issue. Can you imagine Don Nicola if we throw the last two games and finish 8th and then an extra spot gets opened up in the Championship. Of the players given a chance today, Aaron Martin proved today that he could be a decent player for us and Lloyd James proved that he wasn’t, isn’t and probably never will be.

As already mentioned, last game of the season next week at home to Southend. It should be a decent atmosphere with neither team having anything to play for and the Southend fans are a great bunch. Looking forward to that one and bring it on.

As a post-script for today – today was the day Avram Grant went on the pitch at Fratton Park and gave his Braveheart / Winston Churchill speech – what a total and utter wanker. As usual, he complained again about a points deduction which had no effect whatsoever and a transfer embargo which actually prevented them getting further into debt (and therefore ripping off more cancer charities etc). You’ll get yours you twat.

League 1 Match 44 - Southampton 3 Carlisle 2

Jason Price brings the house down

‘Believe’

So said the scoreboard as I took my place at SMS, in front of the Chuckle Brothers, behind the guy who knew too much about Tapeworms and inbetween my Dad and the bloke who is about 100. Believe in what? Believe that a combination of results was going to occur where if you had accumulator on that combination, you could bet a tenner and then retire to Barbados. Would Huddersfield really not get the two points required to condemn us to another season in League 1? They are away at Stockport who have already been relegated and subsequently, don’t give a shit and we are at home to Carlisle who of course, we last saw in the JPT Final.

Pards made a couple of changes from the Oldham bore-fest with Barnard and Wotton being omitted and Papa Waigo and Antonio starting on the left and right wings espectively. This meant Punch was in the middle of midfield with Capn Hammond and Lallana was playing off Sir Rickie. It the words of The Ramones, hey ho, lets go.

How do I describe the first 40 minutes of the first half? I could explain in detail every incident but that wouldn’t take long so instead, I shall generalise. It was shite, real shite, It starts at the back and Kelvin has the ball, he looks to throw it to the full backs who aren’t watching so he belts it forward, usually straight to the opposition goalkeeper. If the full backs are watching then he’s so surprised that he boots it long anyway. He’ll sometimes take a chance on Harding but not on Otsemobor and who can blame him for that. On one occasion he rolled it out to Zenedine Seaborne and guess what he did with it.

I was interested to see how the midfield shaped up with Punch and Deano in the centre but all they did was watch the ball travel backwards and forwards over their head. On the rare occasion that we did get the ball down, Papa Waigo and Antonio were looking dangerous but Papa had that ‘right footer on the left’ thing going on so more often than not, lost the opportunity to cross the ball when he doubled back. Sir Rickie as winning a lot of ball against the Carlisle central defenders, most notably against Ian Harte who seems to have added ‘jumping’ to his list of things he can’t do alongside ‘running’ and ‘turning’. Most of the balls up to Sir Rickie had snow on them and we were creating very very little.

On 40 minutes it all changed and the ball found itself on the grass for a while with Waigo, Antonio and Punch to the fore. Waigo set up Lallana whose low shot from 15 yards was well saved down low by our mate Collin in the Carlisle goal. Again it was another typical Adam effort where you know it would have been a goal if he’d put his bloody foot through it.

Five minutes later and Waigo got down the left hand side and got a cross in which went over the first wave of attackers running in but was met by Antonio who sent a right foot volley back across the keeper and into the net. Lovely finish, nice dance, 1-0.

‘There will be a minimum of one minute to be added’ said the tannoy as Carlisle restarted and it’s amazing what can happen in a minute as a cross came into our box and Seaborne executed a kind of wrestling throw on the centre forward and the referees whistle sounded the death knell. Free kick on the edge. What? It looked a good three yards inside the box from where I was. No matter though as Ian Harte clipped it over the wall and into the net whilst Kelvin watched, feet planted. I was annoyed because we didn’t have a bloke on that post. Hammond was on the other one but he was always going to curl it as it as too close to smash it. Maybe I’m being harsh but I think we made it easy for him. Half time, 1-1

Next to the Chuckle Brothers were two blokes who I never usually notice. Perhaps it was because of the lack of anything resembling entertainment in the first 40 minutes but I did today and the reason is that they chatted for 40 minutes about everything apart from the game. One owns his own cattery and currently has 28 cats in there. That’s interesting isn’t it… no it fucking isn’t. Are the half times from around the country interesting? Stockport 0 Huddersfield 2, ah well, season over.

Saints came out meaning business at the start of the second half and the scoreboards are no longer displaying the ‘Believe’ message. Antonio finds himself out on the left and beats two players before pinging a superb cross to the back stick where Sir Rickie steams in and sidefoots a volley past Collin at his near post for 2-1 to the mighty Saints.

Five minutes of Saints pressure went by before Sir Rickie battled away to tee up Antonio who took his time before lashing in a low finish for 3-1. Carlisle’s defending was shockingly bad and the goals were so easy with no pressure being put on any of the attackers even when they were in the penalty area. It looked at this stage that it could be any score we liked at the end.

Carlisle responded to things taking a turn for the worse by opting for comic relief. They took off a normal looking player and replaced him with a clown with a stupid wig on. The clown charged about and bumped into Fonte and fell over before getting up and moaning at the ref. Oh how we laughed at the slapstick. Very good of the Carlisle manager to cheer us up like that and very easy for the Northam End with ‘what the fuck is on your head’ raining down from the terraces (well, seats – you know what I mean). Pards made a sub for us with Calum McNish making his debut in place of Michail Antonio who must have now done enough to convince everyone that he’s worth signing. McNish went into central midfield with Punch moving to the right.

Saints butchered a couple of chances with a bad final ball before Fonte tried a spectacular long range lob which looked like it was in all the way until the keeper clawed it away. Sadly, it was back towards our own goal and so Carlisle were awarded a free-kick, three yards out and Kelvin got booked. The non-running, non-jumping one had gone off so another Carlisle player lashed it into the wall on the goal line before a 2nd player smashed the rebound over. Papa Waigo celebrated the miss like Senegal had just won the World Cup. He's a nutter.

David Connolly and Lee Barnard came on for Sir Rickie and Punch and combined to give Barnard a chance which he should have passed but instead stabbed wide. As the game petered out Carlisle scored to make the scoreline totally flattering for them when Seaborne and Davis didn’t sort things out and Madine squirted in a shot off the near post which I’m pretty sure was travelling away from the goal when it hit Fonte and dribbled in. After his effort earlier, Jose deserves a goal. Full time, Saints 3 Carlisle 2.

I haven’t really done justice to Saints domination of the second half and with a bit more care we could have easily scored six. Carlisle were pretty poor, probably worse than they’d been at Wembley but fair play to them, at least they tried to play and the second half at least, was entertaining to watch. Michail Antonio was the stand out player for Saints and apparently we are already talking to Reading about a transfer. He’s out of contract there in the summer and whilst we’ll have to pay a bit due to him being under 24 (to compensate for his development costs), it shouldn’t be too much as Reading didn’t really develop him, merely signed him from non-League Yeading. He makes things happen and he’s only going to get better. I do wonder why he runs with his head right back and it does look like it’s going to fall off his shoulders at times but I’ll forgive him that and hopefully, he’ll be the first new signing of the summer. It’s always nice to see an Academy kid get on the pitch though McNish didn’t pull up any trees when he came on but the good news is that there were no big gusts of wind to blow him over. He does look like he needs to fill out a bit if he wants to play in central midfield.

As for the accumulator and Barbados retirement… Stockport 0 Huddersfield 6. Close one then as Stockport went down fighting. Wankers. To be honest, it was always very unlikely this season and today anyway, we won again, the sun is shining and I’m off down the bookies to get a bet on us winning this division next year.

League 1 Match 43 - Southampton 0 Oldham 0

Catchphrase: Say what you see.. Wanker in the Black... Riiiiiiiiight

Oldham rocked up at the SMS Shit or Bust Last Chance Saloon. For us it was a chance to get to within 5 points of Huddersfield with three games remaining. Anything less than a win and our playoff chances were that stuff that comes out of a toaster, that’s right, crumbs. When we played Oldham away I recalled Roger Milford refereeing performances and irritating players that they had. At the time they were the equivalent of today’s Hull, Wigan or Burnley… an unfashionable Northern Club in the Premier League. If you were not being charitable you could describe them all as shit Northern club with few fans who add absolutely nothing to the league they are in. That would be harsh though.

Schneiderlin’s suspension meant there was a space in central midfield and this was filled by Paul Wotton. Michail Antonio dropped to the bench to make way for the return of a second striker in Lee Barnard. Lloyd James was on the bench where there was no place for the Jaidi shaped man mountain.

The game starts and Oldham are playing that formation we all love, you know the one with the centre forward totally isolated about 40 yards from any other player. This made for a cagey opening with the first goalmouth action coming following the award of a free kick for a foul on Barnard. Sir Rickie beat the wall but the keeper made a decent low save with the rebound narrowly avoiding the players following in.

We are 12 minutes into the game and stumpy little short arse goalkeeper and ex-Saints ‘never made it’ Daryl Flahavan goes to take a goal kick. He retrieves a ball from a ball boy to the right of the goal, walks over to the left, changes his mind and walks back to the right, puts it down, backs away, pauses for a bit, takes one pace of his run up, stops, takes a step back, starts his run up again and kicks it. Well done you stumpy bastard. Three minutes later – same ritual again. Hammond, Puncheon and Wotton are all on a the ref but he does nothing. Here’s what to do if you’re ever refereeing. The first time a keeper obviously wastes time, tell him to cut that shit out and get on with it. The second time you book him – no pissing about and that’s the end of the issue. It’s so easy so why does no referee do this?

The game stuttered along to the half hour mark before the crowd got excited and loud when Saints were awarded a free kick on the edge of our own penalty area. This was a well received event because it was the first thing we had been given by the useless fuck with the whistle since the free kick on 9 minutes. In amongst the referring masterclass unfolding before our eyes, we manage an effort by Hammond which loops up and is clawed away by Stumpy. It’s already feeling like one of those days.

Oldham have retreated back so far they are nearly back in Lancashire and the ball seems to be attached to Dan Seaborne. He obviously doesn’t like this state of affairs and see it as his mission to welly it as far as possible in the general direction of Sir Rickie. Seaborne has about 30 yards of space to walk into but he must have the voice of Peter Kay in his ear, ‘HAVE IT!!!’. That advert was funny but this isn’t – take it forward, draw them out, then pass it FFS.

Dan Harding had our last chance before half time when Lallana set him up and he lashed a snap shot into the empty seats behind the goal where the Oldham fans could have been if they had any. Harding was involved again when right on half time the Oldham right winger momentarily got away from him but as Dan got back to him he threw himself to the floor and Harding got a booking. Another brilliant bit of refereeing. Half time and rubbish.

Pards decided to change things at the start of the second half only he didn’t really with James coming on for Wotton in a straight swap. Unless he’s injured then I don’t see the point in that one myself as it means that one of Waigo, Connolly and Antonio isn’t going to get on. The ball was worked back to Lloyd from the kick off and he banged it up the wing and out for a throw to Oldham, illustrating immediately why he was brought on.

We went close soon after with Barnard having a shot saved but the referee did for us again when an Oldham centre back quite clearly handballed as he jumped with Sir Rickie. Penalty all day and nothing given. More Oldham time wasting an indulgence from the referee was interrupted by a Sir Rickie header which again, was saved by the vertically challenged custodian of the nets. At this point I (rather negatively I thought) decided that we weren’t going to score today

The ref then finally did something about all the time wasting. Oldham made a sub on the hour mark and the player going off took an age to get off the pitch. The ref ran after him and booked him just as he was stepping off the pitch. The net result of this booking was therefore nothing at all. The player booked was not going to be inconvenienced at all and it wasn’t going to make the other 11 get on with it.

Papa Waigo came on for Barnard and Saints went a bit gung ho, over committing players forward but without any quality delivery to make this tactic effective. Inevitably, Oldham actually got into our half and broke away and it took a bit of a spawny save from Superkelv to stop Oldham taking what would have been the most undeserved lead in history. Kelvin appeared to dive the wrong was and the ball kind of got stuck between his knees. Doesn’t matter how you keep them out I guess.

Would it be Connolly or Antonio as the final throw of the dice? In the end it was Connolly and to the surprise of no one, it was Lloyd James who came off to make it the second time that the sub has been subbed this season. This was a tactical substitution as we were chasing the game but I can’t imagine anyone was impressed with James’ performance which was a real 2 out of 10 effort and that’s being generous.

We get a corner and Seaborne’s header is smothered away by a combination of mini-keeper and defenders. Papa Waigo is looking our player most likely as the game enters the last 10 minutes. Punch and Lallana are trying hard and trying to play through the massed ranks of defenders but it’s just not working and so we need the full backs to be getting round the back, providing width and getting crosses in. Dan Harding is doing ok on the left but today is the day I finally made up my mind about Jon Otsemobor.

When a team is winning you tend to gloss over some of the players failings but when it doesn’t go according to plan and you want a player to actually do something to influence things, you notice that some can’t. Aside from the James-Wotton Dead Zone – the one who hit the depths for me today was Jon Otsemobor. He is wank (perhaps no the best adjective as it has an end product) and that’s all there is to it. When the surgeons removed the bullet from his arse they must have also removed his will to win. If there is a 50-50 to win – he’ll lose it. If there is a 60-40 in his favour to win – he’ll delay just long enough to not have to compete for the ball and lose it. All he has got is his pace – nothing else. Can’t tackle, can’t cross a ball, no brain, no guts. Useless, really useless and contract up in three more games and don’t let the door hit your ass.

The final flurry of activity in the Oldham penalty area peaks with a Sir Rickie header that is blocked by one of ten defenders in the way and a peach of a low cross from the same player which is not really attacked by anyone as it fizzes across the goal about four yards out and out for a goal kick.

Bugger it.

The referee managed to end the game without getting it wrong, which was a surprise. He was incredibly inept all game but in a strange way, the fact that our playoff hopes were now gone made the anger at him a bit less because I had something else to be annoyed about. Saints were faced with a team who were intent solely on defending and getting a 0-0 and a referee who was so bad that they could waste time, persistently foul, pull shirts and basically do whatever they wanted and get away with it. Saints however have got to be able to rise above this though and today, for whatever reason, it wasn’t going to happen. Oldham for their part defended very well in great numbers and worked incredibly hard and got what they came for. I reckon that and early goal would have seen us win 4-0 but it wasn’t to be. Morgan's stupid sending off bit us hard today as both Wotton and James were not what the doctor ordered (unless he ordered a plate of crap with a side order of bollocks) and though he's not the long term answer, Simon Gillett would have been a better bet today as he gets stuck in but occasionally you get a decent pass out of him, unlike the two that played today. I hope now that Huddersfield get 6th place with more than the 78 points we could have got before today.

Shit game, shit result, sod all chance or making the playoffs, shit everything. For me personally… I’ve got no job and I have a sinus cold which makes my head feel like it’s about to explode. Still, tomorrow the sun will be shining and my car will need all the volcanic ash clearing off of it, a task which I have all day to perform. To nearly all of you who went to SMS tonight, I hope you haven’t caught my cold as it’s not nice. If you are one of the Chuckle Brothers sitting behind me, however…

Next up, JPT Final revisited as it’s Carlisle at home….

League 1 Match 42 - Yeovil 0 Southampton 1

Yeovil Town at Huish Park was the latest of our must win do or die shit or bust matches that we’ve had ever since the Brighton draw which left us with no room for slip ups whatsoever. When they’s come to SMS, Yeovil had put up a decent show and we were on the lucky side with two ridiculous penalty decisions going our way. It was in fact our first win of the season and fortunately, we were considerably different to what we are now.

Yeovil themselves are not completely out of the woods regarding relegation but they should be ok. I hope they stay up but of course, we should beat them and I hope we do – heavily. The ritual of looking out for other teams results has already started this weekend with there being a Friday night fixture which saw Huddersfield beat a totally shocking Millwall side 1-0 in a match which saw a very poor side triumph over a piss poor one. They are both above us in the league and we really wanted Millwall to win that one. Never mind, we can only do our own job.

Pards named the save starting XI again with a truckload of strikers on the bench in Connolly, Barnard and Papa Waigo, balanced out by Perry, Wotton and the returning Radhi Jaidi, five hundred quid lighter in the pocket after losing a ‘Morgan won’t score as long as he has a hole in his ass’ bet.

As you’d expect, Saints flew at the start of the game and a Fonte header and shots from Sir Rickie, Lallana and Puncheon all caused a bit of anxiety to the Yeovil keeper. At the other end, Yeovil were an occasional threat with Superkelv being forced to save from Bowditch who looked lively.

On the half hour and following a break from Antonio, lallana found himself clean through but as he went to collect the pass, it bobbled up behind him forcing him to try the Rene Higuita Scorpion kick thing which inevitably meant that the chance was cleared even though he managed to get it towards the goal. Yeovil took over for the reminder of the half though with Bowditch firing wide when he should have scored and then Tomlin twice going close, once with a header that crept wide and once with a low shot which would have been a goal if he’d not been playing against Superkelv, who got down a pushed it round the post. Both of the chances for Tomlin had come via our right flank where Otsemobor was getting run ragged. Half time, 0-0

Not impressed with the lack of goal threat from his side, Pards threw on Barnard for Antonio at the start of the second half. The opening of the half was quiet but around the hour mark it all started getting interesting as first Sir Rickie fired over and then a Punch effort from a rebound was held by the keeper. Yeovil were still posing a threat, especially down our right hand side where at times, you did wonder if Otsemobor was playing.

Frustration was growing and following a Barnard booking for what can politely be described as a ‘forwards tackle’ (a shit one) it all seemed to be going a bit pear shaped before Morgan Schneiderlin had a good go at making sure it did when, having being shoved by a Yeovil player, decided that the best course of action was of course, to take a big hack at his leg. Prat – off you go. Saints initially went to a 4-3-2 formation with Lallana and Puncheon either side of Hammond but it really wasn’t giving us the platform we needed to try and get the all important goal. Saints had another scare a few minutes later as Fonte took out a forward as he burst through and on another day, he could have been sent off as well.

I had to run out of the room for a second here as my 5 year old had come in demanding a drink. When I returned all off 30 seconds later, the total moron who was on Solent with Diamond Dave said ‘… and Saints are desperately seeking the equalizer’. ‘Fuck’, I said in a voice which was loud enough for me to wonder who else heard me say it. Needless to say it was still 0-0 so cheers, clueless, faceless radio commentator bloke. Back to the game….

Usually in this situation a manager has to decide whether to stick or twist – go solid and make sure of the draw or go for it. The first option today was never an option at all so what did we do – go kamikaze Pards took off Otsemobor (who had been generally poor all game) and Hammond and brought on Connolly and Papa Waigo, the latter rather hysterically, going to right back. Bearing in mind he doesn’t speak any English and his interpreter was in the bath, I bet he didn’t have a fucking clue where he was supposed to be. Lambert dropped deeper so we had a back 3, Papa stationed randomly on the right, Sir Rickie, Punch and Adam in midfield but all pushing forward and Barnard and Connolly up front. Championship Manager comes to Huish Park.

Papa Waigo got to work out on the right and immediately found himself in a great crossing position from which to pick out one of five attackers streaming into the penalty area. Unfortunately, no one was in row 17 behind the goal which was where the cross landed. I wonder if Papa has ever met George Lawrence. Meanwhile, on Radio Solent they are eulogising over Yeovil and talking them up like they’re something fantastic. Again I wonder if I’ve missed three Yeovil goal or something but fear not. Back to the game…

After our bizarre substitutions, Yeovil did the same and pulled off their one striker (Bowditch) and brought on a midfielder which was bizarre as we had 10 men but anyway. 90, 91, 92 and it wasn’t happening despite Saints camping in the last third and winning a succession of corners. The ball found its way out to Papa Waigo again who fired it across and as is more likely to be the case if the cross stays on the pitch, someone (LEE BARNARD!!!!!) got their head on it and nodded it past keeper McCarthy and into the net. Saints went nuts, the fans went nuts, Dave Merrington and the other prat stopped the Yeovil love-fest thy were having on the radio and remembered who their audience was.

There was still time as there always is, for us to have a go at throwing it away and we managed to let the Yeovil centre back jink into our area and fire into the side netting but soon enough, the whistle had gone and we’d prolonged our season again. This team does not know when it is beaten and we play until the 95th minute which is such a pleasant change to the last 5 years when we typically played until about the hour mark and then packed it in. Credit for this much go to Pards, Dean Wilkins and Wally Downes who have obviously instilled this discipline and fitness into this bunch of players. We won with 10 men which is the first tme we've done that since.... the last time Schneiderlin got himself sent off at Milton Keynes in the JPT. If you were being harsh you could say that in some games, Morgan playing is ike playing with 10 but we're going to have to do without him now for 3 of the last 4 games. It'll be interesting to see whether Wotton comes in or whether Punch will switch to central midfield.

Pards’ post match interviews focussed on the Schneiderlin sending off which sounds like it was totally deserved and the shenanigans that went on between the two benches which culminated in Dean Wilkins getting sent to the stands for reacting to the Yeovil bench demanding our players got sent off etc. It’s bad enough when players are waving imaginary cards about (an offence which would being an instant booking if I was in charge) but when the dug outs are doing it then there really is no hope. Pards sounded like he thought Wilkins was totally justified and good on him.

We are still 8 points behind and our game in hand is this week at home to Oldham. Win that and we have 3 games to catch up 5 points on Huddersfield who have two tricky away games and a home game against Colchester (managed by Hoofroyd, still with playoff ambitions themselves). I said that if we beat Bristol Rovers and Yeovil that I'd start to believe. Well, given the wins and the manner of them, I'd say it's still a longshot but if you were to place a bet against us… would you be confident?

League 1 Match 41 - Bristol Rovers 1 Southampton 5

"Get me in Red and White, Now !!!"

In the time since our win on Saturday against Charlton, I have taken some stick for being stuck in a time warp and accidentally writing that Bristol Rovers play at Twerton Park still. I apologise for that, as it was a bit amateurish, mainly because today I’m really worried about that Rickie Lambert who plays for them, big lad, funny accent, scores goals for fun. He’s formed a dangerous partnership with Paul Randall and if they get it together, Eastville will be really rocking. I’m showing my age now. Quiz question – what to Paul Randall and Rickie Lambert have in common… answers at the end.

Of the six games we have left, this, on paper, is the most difficult. It’s one win apiece so far this season with the away team winning 3-2 both times. It was being billed in the local media as a bit of a playoff decider which of course, as is most of the local media, deep fried bollocks. The winners today would be rumbling on with an outside chance of making the playoffs but the losers would be playing meaningless pre-season friendlies from now until the end of the season.

Pards played the same team as started against Charlton with Jason Puncheon in the hole, behind Sir Rickie. Dan Seaborne kept his place despite being as dodgy as you like last week and the 7 subs were also unchanged.

Saints came flying out of the traps and Antonio was first to go close as Andersen in the Rovers goal kept him out. Sir Rickie was destined to score today and it was just a case of when but his first effort was a header from a Puncheon corner which flew over which was followed by another Punch cross which a defender tried to scoop into his own net, only to be spared a place on the next Danny Baker video by a decent save from his own keeper.

In what was possibly Rovers first visit to our penalty area, Kuffour flopped to the floor in the presence of Fonte who really had no need to make any sort of challenge and got awarded a soft looking penalty which was duly despatched by Jeff Hughes for 1-0. Well, it had taken a little longer than usual but at least we were familiar with the situation we now found ourselves in. Having undeservedly found themselves in front, Rovers had a spell of pressure with crooner of renown Andy Williams firing wide and then Jo Kuffour giving us all brown trousers by smashing a shot against the post. Saints were having efforts on goal too though so if was never as if we were getting battered.

As we approached half time it looked like we would be going in 1-0 down despite playing well but enter Sir Rickie. Firstly, he rose to thump (with his head) in a Punch cross for 1-1 and almost straight from the restart, Saints ended up with a free-kick 25 yards out and central. Before the kick was taken, Radio Merrington commented that it looked like the keeper was standing in the wrong place and then bang, 2-1 Saints, Sir Rickie again. You could be fair to the keeper and mention that it did take an almighty kick off of the ground in front of the keeper but that would be taking away from the fact that Andersen looked a right clown as it fizzed through him. One nil… and you fucked it up. Two goals for Sir Rickie and no big celebration, just like Dean Hammond at Brighton and Dan Harding against Leeds, not.

Having re-written his half time team talk in the minute or so before the half time whistle, Pards sent the team out fired up for some more in the second half and following ten minutes of nondescript nothing much, Antonio then barged his way down the right and the ball broke to Punch who delivered it to Morgan Schneiderlin to have another go at ‘How far will I miss by this week?’. Unbelieveably, he took the option that he’d never taken before and actually smashed it in the net with a lovely dipping half volley to make it 3-1 and spark an outbreak of players jumping on eachother, as they all had bets on Morgan to score at some point in his life at odds of 500-1. Expect a raft of children called Morgan to be born in the Princess Anne in nine months.

There was the odd sporadic threat from Rovers but they were a beaten side and it was no surprise when Lallana got on the end of yet another Puncheon pass before stepping inside a defender and passing it in to make it 4-1 and minutes later it was 5-1 as Punch supplied the finish himself having mazied to the edge of the box. Five one away from home – what the fuck is going on?

Subs came on with Waigo, Barnard and Connolly for Puncheon, Lambert and Antonio and the rest of the game petered out as Rovers opted for damage limitation and Saints had done enough. It was heart warming that the whole ground rose to applaud Sir Rickie off as he headed for the bath and this showed a touch of class from the Gasheads and fair play to them. Usually you’d think a centre forward wouldn’t want to come off when he had two goals but somehow I don’t think he’d be too bothered this time.

Five fucking one – who’d have believed that? Unreal. Considering we were the width of a post of being 2-0 down at one stage as well, it just shows how quickly things can turn around. Bristol Rovers had a few chances but in the second half were quite simply blown away and there were more chances for Saints than I managed to mention in this report. Man of the match was Jason Puncheon who today had a hand in all five goals. He also set up the goal v Charlton despite not having a particularly good match and played the scoring pass for all 3 goals v Hartlepool recently. He picks up undeserved criticism from people like the SMS Chuckle Brothers because he often loses the ball but if you remember, a certain Matt le Tiss was like that but when it mattered, he delivered and so does Punch. It’s all about balance and if you have Lallana, Antonio and Punch trying to be creative all game, this is fine as long as Hammond and Schneiderlin are going the dirty work and not giving the ball away. It was great to see Morgan finally score and what a goal to break your duck with.

Again we have to look at the other results and Colchester lost at Charlton as expected and Huddersfield beat Walsall at home which was also expected. Of course, that only tells half the story of that particular game as Huddersfield were 2-0 up and Walsall were down to 10 men. As we entered the 90th minute, Walsall were 3-2 up and managed to fucking lose 4-3. Consequently, the gap is still 8 points and we have a game in hand. We all know that all we can do is win our own games but at 90 minutes it was looking like 5 points with a game in hand, then it was 6 and then seconds later, 8. Bollocks. Still, no point in moping about after a 5-1 away win at one of your closest rivals.

As for The Gas – they may have been better turning up at Twerton Park after all. In all seriousness though, I remember what it was like seeing Alan Shearer play for Blackburn or Newcastle against Saints and it was hard to take, especially when he scored against us. A vast majority of players move on but it’s harder to accept when it’s your centre forward who used to have you pogoing around the ground on a regular basis every time he smashed one in the net. Not quite the same if you’ve just sold Emile Heskey I grant you. Sir Rickie’s two goals changed the game today and that’s the difference a good centre forward makes – you always have a chance. Rovers have done remarkably well to be where they are in the league having not really replaced him as far as I can see. The next question is will he leave us in the summer? I genuinely don’t think so and I don’t think he’d want to go unless it was Everton or Liverpool who came in having been impressed by his 15 goals for England in the World Cup including a hat-trick in the Final against Brazil.

Next up for Saints is Yeovil Town – of course, we should win but if we do, I bet we’ll have gone 1-0 down first.

Quiz answer(s) – both played for Bristol Rovers, both Scousers, both scored winning goals v Saints in the FA Cup. If you got all that and you’re not a Gashead, you should see a Doctor.

League 1 Match 40 - Southampton 1 Charlton 0

Why is that offside ? Quack !!!

If we’d played Charlton a month ago then I would have been very confident of a win as they had fallen away big time and looked to have settled for a playoff place. However, a combination of them picking up and Leeds being shit means they are now back in contention for the 2nd automatic spot. Last week, Saints weren’t very convincing in beating Leyton Orient so I was a bit worried about this one. We’ve played them twice already this season of course, a 1-1 draw at The Valley in the League and the 2-1 hammering we dished out to them in the JPT. There is also the ‘Pards’ factor to consider as he’s as popular with their fans as Harry Redknapp is with ours. Needless to say – ‘we have to win’. There, I said it anyway.

To the teams and Pards has pulled out a funny one and names what looks like a 4-5-1 with Lee Barnard being the fall guy and being left out for Michail Antonio. I’m guessing that one of Antonio, Lallana or Puncheon will be pushed forwards to support Sir Rickie but you never can tell. The defence saw a change with Jaidi not recovering from his injury picked up last Monday. His replacement was predictably, the unpredictable Danny Seaborne.

The match had a very even start with both teams taking turns to test out the oppositions defence. The first real chance fell to Charlton and their skipper, Nicky Bailey. Bailey scored a blinding goal for Charlton at SMS last season when he weaved down the left wing and cut in before scoring the winner. Good player and when Pards arrived in the summer, I hoped he’d go back to Charlton and sign him up for the Saints revolution. Not so however and here he is playing for Charlton at SMS, flashing in a decent header which Superkelv parried away.

Jason Puncheon has been pushed up front for us and is struggling to get on the ball initially but eventually he gets on it, dribbles a bit and lashes over the bar. Former Saints loanee, Christian Dailly at centre back for Charlton, then expends a lot of effort trying to get one of his midfielders to drop in to mark Punch but none of them seem to be too bothered. The supply line continues however as first Punch tees up Schneiderlin to volley wide (again) and then shoots himself (not like Kurt Cobain) and forces keeper Randolph into a sprawling save at the post.

Usually I only talk about the Chuckle Brothers behind me at half time but on 25 minutes there is a break in play following an offside decision where, as they do these days, the linesman didn’t flag until the player in question made a move towards the ball. ‘Why’s he offside?... ‘Why didn’t he flag earlier?’… ‘He don’t know what he’s doing does he’…6’ Here’s my impression of a duck as I make a farting noise down my rolled up programme’…. The bloke next to me turned round and tried to give a concise history of the offside law, explaining ‘active’ and ‘passive’ and ‘1st phase’, ‘2nd phase’ etc. It was a bit like my French teachers trying to get me to understand at school. Upon seeing me pissing myself laughing – the bloke next to me said ‘that was wasted on them wasn’t it’.

Back to the game and a quick break by Saints sees Sir Rickie flick the ball on to Puncheon who controls and rolls a short ball to Michail Antonio who takes it past a defender on the burst and smashes it in from about 15 yards. 1-0, get in you beauty and a reprise of the JPT Wembley dance.

When Charlton’s next attack broke down we were presented with the very unusual sight of Saints with the ball on the half way line with a four on one break. The ball was with Antonio and just one decent pass would have put Sir Rickie, Punch and Adam Lallana through on goal… and he butchered it completely, picking out the one covering defender. There was still time for two incidents before half time as Bailey again thumped a header goalwards which Superkelv turned over the bar and then Dean Hammond got booked for a tackle that was so late, it was after the half time whistle had sounded and the players were tucking into their segments of orange. If professional footballers don’t have a segment of orange at half-time, like all us park players do (or did)… then they should.

Saints started the second half in brisk fashion and Charlton were asleep as Punch took a short corner to Schneiderlin who stood up a cross for Sir Ricke to header goalwards and it to be cleared off the line by two defenders. Bugger, we could have done with that. Part 3 of the Bailey v Superkelv saga was just around the corner as the little ginger fella smashed a snapshot goalwards and again, was denied by the Saints keeper.

The one man defensive unit that is Jose Fonte was showing up well again. Charlton had Nick Forster up front who played (and scored for Brighton against us at SMS earlier in the season. He didn’t play against Fonte though and today he is really in Jose’s pocket and not getting a sniff. He’s getting irate though and having a good old moan up at the ref as he gets beaten to the ball for about the 25th time. Not content with being the entire back 4, Jose decides to be the keeper as well as in the same attack he clearly blocks two shots with his hand. You can assume in this league that the obvious will not be given and so the appeals were waved away. The ball then broke for Hammond who shoved it past a defender with his arm and again, nothing given.

Perhaps sensing that Forster was getting wound up, Charlton replaced him with a big lanky streak of piss and started to hump it forward which they really didn’t need to do as they were creating enough chances keeping it on the deck. Sir Rickie was more like his old self today, bullying defenders but when you are knocking over someone as old as Christian Dailly, you have to wonder if the Police will be called. Led by the main man, the chances come and go as Punch shoots left footed and it’s deflected just out of the reach of the flying Antonio who is then substituted with Barnard coming on. I felt that he was a bit unlucky to be the one coming off as he’s certainly had more of an impact on the game than Lallana who was very quiet today.

There then followed three more worthwhile efforts from Saints as Lambert curled just wide from the inside left channel, Barnard’s turn and volley lacked power and then Sir Rickie hit the angle of post and bar from a free kick which Randolph left. I think it ended up being a lot closer than he realised so he probably soiled his pants when it clipped the woodwork.

Jonjo Shelvey come on for the last 10 minutes and immediately proved why he should have been on from the start and Paul Wotton came on for Sir Rickie and immediately proved that he shouldn’t. Saints defended a bit too deep for the last five minutes but aside from one important tackle from Otsemobor, were relatively untroubled – even by the obligatory corners at the end with the Charlton keeper running around in our box like a big orange pillock.

Full time, 1-0, Hurrah!

So, Pards beats Charlton again who were to be fair, were a decent side and if we’d gone behind in this match I feel that we would have severely struggled to get the win we needed. They did however run out of steam in the last half hour and I personally felt we were always more likely to get a second goal than them to equalize. As I said earlier, they started hoofing the ball forwards which played straight in the hands of Fonte and Seaborne. I have a bit of problem with Seaborne in that I don’t think he’s good enough and he gives me the shits. If the ball is in the air to be attacked and it’s in front of him then he’s ok and he wins his share – but get around him and he doesn’t seem to have a clue and ball watches. OK – he’s no Ollie Lancashire and thankfully, not many are but the bottom line is – with Jaidi injured, I’d rather see Chris Perry in the side any day of the week.

As the last of the players left the field, it was time for the announcement of the other League 1 scores. Up until today I had not even really listened to them at any game because I didn’t care what anyone else did. Today it’s interesting because it’s now all opening up before us. We need other teams to be losing and also today, we needed West Ham to be winning as it would confirm relegation for the Skates.

Brentford 3 Huddersfield (currently in 6th) 0 – big cheer, happy days
Colchester (currently 7th) 3 Swindon 0 – boooooooooo – fucking Swindon – do us twice and then lose to Hoofroyd and his clowns.
Norwich 1 MK Dons (one place below us) 1 – happy enough with that, Fake Dons were winning with 2 minutes to go. Karl Robinson quotes should be interesting this week.
Oldham 2 Bristol Rovers (currently 8th) 1 – excellent
West Ham 1 Sunderland 0 – ‘Pompey going down with no money in the bank etc’

OK – The Skates are relegated – so what, they were always going to be, right from the start of the season. Now it’s time to have a look at the playoff picture. As of right now, with 6 games left, we are 8 points behind Colchester and Huddersfield with a better goal difference and a game in hand. Our next two games are both away from home on shitty grounds… Bristol Rovers at Twerton Park and and Yeovil at Huish Park. Of course, as you know, we have made a right balls of these sort of games recently. If I was a betting man I’d still be betting on us just missing the playoffs but I tell you what – win these two and I’ll start to believe.

League 1 Match 39 - Southampton 2 Leyton Orient 1

Alan Bennett - Not very good.

Leyton Orient at home on a Bank Holiday Monday and I was running late. Usually, my Dad picks me up at two and in we come. Today it was 10 past two and I was wondering where the old git was and then I remembered that ina reversal of the usual, I was picking him up today and oh shit. Having driven to Woolston and hoofed it across the bridge, with much moaning from the old man, we arrived at 2.59. Plenty of time.

I managed to catch the team announcements and hear ‘James Scowcroft’ named in the Orient line-up. Who remembers Saints 1 Palace 4 in the Alan Bennett match where Scowcroft scored at hat-trick. There have been many occasions when I have watched a player have a mare and thought ‘I could do better than that’ but deep down, I didn’t really mean it. At the time of that game, I was 39 and hadn’t played for 7 years but I would definitely have played better than Alan Bennett. Scowcroft scored the easiest hat-trick anyone could ever score and now he’s back.

The Saints line-up reverted to what is commonly thought to be our strongest line up with Schneiderlin returning in place of Wotton and Barnard in for Antonio up front. Jaidi and Fonte were charged with looking after Scowcroft. Orient had sacked their manager a couple of days ago and were residing just one place above the relegation zone.

Orient started brightly and were nearly in on goal after 30 seconds but Harding snuffed it out. A throw in from the left came in and both Jaidi and Fonte were momentarily possessed by the ghost of Alan Bennett and both missed headers allowing Spicer to have a free shot from 6 yards. He didn’t miss. One minute gone and 1-0 down. Bad went to worse for Jaidi about a minute later as he cleared a ball and pulled up holding a hamstring. Instead of coming straight off he limped back to defend a throw and then couldn’t jump, causing more panic in our goalmouth and Kelvin totally failed to command the area. Off went Radhi after a pretty poor two minutes to be replaced by Danny Seaborne.

Seaborne looked quite composed when he came on and he had the ball at his feet about 10 yards inside our half. There wasn’t a single Orient player within 30 yards of him. The line of 4 defenders was on the edge of the penalty area. The line of 5 midfielders were stationed about 10 yards further forward and the one forward (Scowcroft) was not about to close him down either. This is the way it’s gonna be is it? 85 minutes to go.

It’s difficult enough to break down a massed defence at the best of times but it’s especially difficult when nearly all your forward going players are not at the races. Sir Rickie looked like he was running through treacle and was not getting off the ground at all to complete with headers, whilst Barnard was working hard as usual but was taking about 5 touches to get the ball under control. Schneiderlin’s radar was well off as a succession of well-intended passes were hit. The passes were hit with the usual Gallic flair aside from the fact that they were shite and were all cut out by Orient players. Meanwhile, Puncheon wasn’t getting into the game at all much to the delight of the moaning twat behind me whose one phrase to be repeated all day was ‘Puncheon’s not half the player he looked like is he?’

Like the last time we faced a massed defence at SMS – Swindon – we still created a glorious chance as Puncheon’s deep cross was headed down by Lambert to present Barnard with what looked like a sitter header. He headed it, we all jumped up and somehow it missed by bloody miles. What happened there ?

Orient were predictably offering nothing but were winning the odd free kick in our territory as the referee took a dislike to Fonte (or a liking for Scowcroft) and decided it was a foul every time there was a challenge. Compare and contrast to the other end where Lambert was getting given sweet bugger all every time he was assaulted by Mkunpronounceablename. Scowcroft and Lambert were similar in the way they challenged for the ball in that neither of them did really except standing where the ball was going to drop and slightly backin in. League 1 refs - love 'em.

All very frustrating until the 41st minute when a cross field ball from Puncheon picked out Lallana with just the full back in front of him. He cut inside the full back, leaving him for dead and shaped to shoot but dummied inside the centre back and then curled a lovely shot into the far top corner of the net. Bloody good goal and 1-1. Still Orient played the 9-1-0 formation and so the half petered out.

At half time I had one of the most bizarre conversations I’ve ever had at football. My Dad mentioned a programme he’d seen on tapeworms (I don’t know why) and the bloke in front of us overheard and chimed in like it was his specialised subject on Mastermind. He knew how to flush them out and the dangers of them breaking in half – everything. Weird.

Saints piled forwards at the start of the second half and we had another entry in the ‘Will Morgan Ever Score’ competition as he latched onto a far post cross from Puncheon and headed wide. It is in danger of becoming another Claus Lundekvam story. How many games without a goal? On that note – sort yourself out Claus.

On 54 minutes after some deliberate build up play, Saints took the lead as Puncheon’s cross was headed back into the mixer from beyond the back stick by Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana dived in and headed his second goal of the game. The effect on Orient was quite startling and they decided to attack.

Dan Seaborne had looked composed in the first half and played some good balls forward to feet but when under pressure as he was now – it was going anywhere, usually straight up and Saints were stuggling to clear any danger. Hammond was working hard to make up for the fact that Schneiderlin wasn’t and I was impressed with Deano’s 40 yard sprint back towards our goal before robbing the attacker with a well timed tackle. It took Kelvin to keep us in the lead though with a trademark strong arm to keep out an effort from the Orient right back who’d rumbled forward.

In order to give Orient something to think about, Barnard was subbed as usual and replaced with Antonio. I assumed we’d be going 4-5-1 with Antonio on the right but it was a straight swap and he went up front. I was pondering that it was a bit odd that Papa Waigo hadn’t come on but Antonio made me forget as he managed to get caught offside three times in his first 5 minutes on the pitch. In all seriousness though, Waigo is a forward and Antonio is not, so why?

Saints nearly put it to bed on 75 when Lambert cut on from the left and from a tight angle and hammered it goalwards, where the keeper beat it away. It was time to hold what we have and Wotton came on for Schneiderlin. One comment from near me was ‘oh good, we’ve gone back up to 11 players’. Harsh but fair I thought. Orient huffed and puffed without really creating much aside from tint he 92nd minute when one of their subs, Patulea, lashed one over the bar. Patulea sounds like it’s the name of a bone. I’m sure if you went to the Doctor’s and said you had a bruised Patulea, they’d sign you off work for at least two weeks. I’m sure David Connolly’s had that – he’s had everything else. Full time – Saints 2 Leyton Orient 1.

There is a famous Ian Holloway quote which I apologise for writing verbatim.

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee".

That was Saints performance today. We won and happy days but we weren’t the greatest, not by a long chalk. There were too many players having poor games with only really Adam Lallana and Dean Hammond having decent games. It was a tough game to win today but we got the job done. Time for a coffee.

Next up is Charlton at home who are suddenly back in the automatic promotion mix as a result of Leeds deciding they fancy another crack at the JPT next year. We have to play better than today and we will – or else we will get stuffed. As for the playoff picture, we are 8 points behind Huddersfield who are 6th and stranger things have happened – Alan Bennett had a few good games for us after his Scowcroft nightmare and I’d have never predicted that.