Premier League Match 8 - Southampton 3 Burnley 1

Charlie and Jay Playing for Their School Team

Burnley at home is the first game in our next sequence of 7 matches in 3 weeks before the next international break.  They’ve been promoted, relegated, promoted in the last 3 seasons and still have Sean Dyche in charge, trying to make a better fist of the Premier League than last time.  On the face of it they seem to have a better squad this time around as long as Andre Gray deletes all his old tweets and doesn’t get banned again.

There are many connections between the two clubs with the most obvious being Jay Rodriguez and Charlie Austin who were once their forward line.  There’s also a connection with good old Dave Merrington who will be displaying Merringtitus on Radio Solent as a Saints co-commentator whereas he was a fierce centre half for Burnley back in the black and white TV days.

We’ve just had an international break and what fun it was.  Gareth Southgate was the interim England manager and the two performances England put in reflected their manager in their uninspiring and boring manner.  His first squad was at least a bit interesting but not really for the right reasons.  Oxlade-Chamberlain got back in on the back of doing precisely fuck all for Arsenal since Fat Sam dropped him.  He gave an interview when he said that being dropped was the kick up the backside he needed.  Surely you are dropped because you’re level isn’t high enough at that time but a month later when the level hasn’t risen, you’re selected again.  Jesse Lingard was also included and I actually didn’t mind this.  He’s become almost a regular with Man United so he’s bound to be there or thereabouts and he’d always been decent for Southgate in the Under 21s.  Lingard made the starting eleven which is fine because we’re playing Malta at home.  Today’s position to shoehorn Rooney into the side was defensive midfield alongside Jordan Henderson Football Genius.  Ryan Bertrand got a start but Fraser Forster didn’t.  I must have imagined Hart being complete shite for England in the summer, being bombed out of Manchester City and flapping around like budgie for Torino and I also must have imagined Fraser keeping five clean sheets in a row.  Away we go and Malta are shite, some neat passing in midfield aside.  They’re best player used to play for Coventry in the Championship so that tells you that this is a League 1 or League 2 level side apart from the goalkeeper who is decent.

England huff and puff and are generally one paced and directionless – sound familiar?  Amazingly, the player who raises the tempo is Henderson and he puts over a great cross which Sturridge expertly guides into the corner with his head for 1-0.  Henderson again then tees up Alli to take two attempts and make it 2-0.  From a Saints point of view it’s a fucking nightmare as Ryan Bertrand picks up a hamstring injury and has to go off and the rest of the first half is shite…. Followed by the whole of the second half.  Half arsed, shite and the commentators and pundits are doing my fucking head in.  If you can’t do your fucking job and tell it as it is then fuck off.  Ryan Giggs – what a boring fucker, someone in a coma would wake up after ten years asleep just to get out of the room he was in.  No wonder he can’t get a job.  How the hell did he chat up his brothers wife… just threw money at her I guess.

Rooney – no one on TV said it but he was fucking dreadful.  Slowed every move down, usually passed it sideways.  Whenever he tried to pass it forwards then he overhit it and not just by a little bit but by fucking miles and he had the touch of someone with two prosthetic legs.  After the 25^th overhit pass straight out of play, there are a few boos in the crowd and all the pundits are up in arms about it.  I’m not a fan of booing your own players but in this case, admit that it’s at least understandable.  He was shite.  Then there was a debate about his role with the team. 

The Slovenia game was notable for the fact that Rooney got dropped and that was it. Credit to Southgate for dropping him but then the performance was shithouse and the most boring 0-0 draw ever.  The only excitement was provided by shit England back passes.  First Dier had a go, Hart and the post to the rescue, then Henderson, Hart to the rescue again.  Cahill then decided not to jump and Dandruff Boy made one of the best saves I’ve ever seen by clawing it out of the top corner.  Fair play to him, he’s been shite but he was brilliant tonight which will mean Fraser on the bench for at least another two years.

Over the two games, I can say that Sturridge is a lazy cunt who makes no runs at all which at least prevents him getting the ball and being a greedy bastard with it. Walcott was shite and didn’t beat his man once, Cahill was given a few moments by a fucking postman or brickie or whoever he was up against, Kyle Walker added attacking to the things he can’t do to go alongside defending which he of course didn’t have to do.  The single most damning thing is that Henderson was probably our best player in the first game and fuck me, he got made captain in the second– Henderson – a bang average midfielder who stood out simply because he injected a bit of urgency on a couple of occasion in the first half of the Malta match.  Alli was pretty decent in both games and Lingard had a good first half against Malta before fading to nothing for the rest of the week.

One final thought – Southgate is not the man.  Ever.

And we’re back at St Mary’s thank Christ… Today is of course about the three points but it’s also about the homecoming of Francis Benali after his lunatic running and cycling effort around the 44 grounds on the Premier League and Championship to raise money for Cancer Research.  The man is a legend.  With Bertrand being injured, I guess it was too much for Franny to put a kit on and play at left back so Matt Targett was in, with Cuco replacing the injured Cedric on the right.  The only other slight surprise was Clasie being preferred to Hojbjerg on the right of the midfield diamond and a slight disappointment that Sofiane Boufal wasn’t even on the bench.  That news was softened by the fact that Shane Long was after picking up an injury with the Republic.

Saints make a good positive start and the left side of Burnley’s team looks very suspect and the I realise that it’s two players who both beg the question ‘how the fuck are they playing in the Premier League?’.  One is Stephen Ward at left back, an agricultural donkey who gives agricultural donkeys a bad name.  On the left wing is rat faced little twat George Boyd who we came across playing for Peterborough in League 1.  Fair play to him for kidding a few people that he’s good enough to be here.

It’s down the other side that the first chance comes from as Targett fastens onto Romeu’s crossfield ball and totally unimpeded by full back Lowton (Villa reject), slings over a great cross which Austin meets and heads down and goalwards.  It’s in… it’s definitely in and we’re 1-0 up… no we’re not as Heaton has got down and made a ridiculous save flipping the ball wide as it bounced up off the ground.  There is mass head holding and applause for the keeper.  Unreal save.  Bastard.

It’s all us with Burnley struggling to get out of their half and then Targett sits down and obviously isn’t getting back up again.  Claude immediately summons Sam McQueen from the bench and on he goes.  It’s refreshing in the extreme as our previous manager, the Lying Dutchman, would have put Yoshida on and played him out of position.  The injury and subsequent break has made it all a bit disjointed though and the game becomes a mess and our next chance comes from an underhit backpass from Virgil which Fraser has to react to and launch forward.  Such is the lead-footedness of Ward that it goes over him and Tadic is through but he knocked it too far and though he got to his touch first, Heaton was right on him to smother it.

Burnley make an appearance in our penalty area as chip forward causes confusion.  It looks like it’s going over Virgil so Jose covers round but Virgil then reaches it and falls over José behind him.  Meanwhile the ball falls to Gudmundsson who crashes down amongst the wreckage of our centre backs.  There’s an appeal but not a full one and amazingly, Mike Dean waves play on and a long ball finds Austin clean through.  As Heaton comes out he tries to chip him and makes a total bollocks of it.

We have one more chance before half time as Redmond twists and shoots, Heaton flaps it out and Austin, who has not had a great half, almost falls over the ball as he fails to force it in at the back post.

Half time is all about the appearance of Francis Benali to rapturous applause from the whole stadium.  What a guy.  I’ll forgive him the fact that he hasn’t mentioned once that he played against me in a match when we were 15.  McQueen is looking decent for us but Franny would certainly get a game ahead of Stephen Ward if I was picking the team.

It’s all us again at the start of the second half and it takes five minutes for Davo to win a corner.  Over it comes from Tadic, won at the back post by Virgil and there’s Austin to take two attempts and force it over the line but over the line it is and 1-0.

Almost straight from the kick off we win the ball and a great break down the left (Lightning McQueen anyone?) and Redmond feeds Tadic who digs out a shot and another corner as Heaton tips over.  Davis swings it in, everyone in the middle misses it but Redmond has peeled off and drills it first time past the defender and keeper to make it 2-0 and you would think, game over.

Burnley respond with nothing and they’re all over the place, allowing Tadic to dissect the right back and centre back and put McQueen in.  Over he goes as he cuts across the defender, penalty.  It’s the first penalty with both Tadic and Austin on the pitch since the infamous squabbling children episode but no arguments this time.  Charlie, Heaton the wrong way, 3-0.

There will be no hat-trick against his former club as ex-Claret J-Rod is on for Austin.  Burnley make another appearance in our half and from the second of two successive corners, Dean points to the spot for what looks like nothing.  Later replays proved it was actually for nothing and Vokes rolls it down the middle for our first goal conceded in 6 and a half matches.  Cheers Mike.

With 15 to go you feel that there might be alarm bells ringing but there are none.  Davis reminds everyone of the one flaw in his game by dragging a very presentable chance wide and José thumps a free header from a corner just wide to his obvious annoyance.  The final chance is down to another great break down the left and McQueen delivers a superb cross on the run which J-Rod meets at full pelt at the back stick but he can only scuff it into the ground and Heaton saves again.  Full time, happy days.

As wins go in the Premier League, that was incredibly easy. This was down in equal measure to our vibrant attacking football which should really have brought more goals and Burnley being absolutely shite relegation fodder.


I would say that all 14 of the players used today were an absolute credit to the shirt. Everyone was an 8/10 at least but for me, Nathan Redmond was the pick of the bunch. Maybe it's because Boufal is nearing fitness but whatever the reason, Redmond was fantastic today.  A major plus today was Jordy Clasie, who not only played the full match but had probably his best game in a Saints shirt.  I also have to mention Sam McQueen who though he had absolutely fuck all to do defensively, terrorised the right hand side of Burnley's defence and put I have a succession of great crosses and of course, won the penalty as well. Made me think of Wayne Bridge who of course, started as a left winger and eventually became left back. He did OK for himself.

I keep hearing about what a great manager Sean Dyche is but he's already been relegated with Burnley once and he is heading that way again. The game plan today was to get a 0-0 draw and the soon as they went behind the game plan appeared to be to lose 1-0, another goal of the game plan was to lose 2-0. In short, they did absolutely fuck all and I would not have been happy being one of their travelling supporters today. I mean, nothing else is working so stick an extra man upfront and try the long ball for fuck's sake but no, Nothing. 3-1 flattered them horribly and it was all down to Tom Heaton in goal and Mike Dean's desire to make a name for himself as the referee who gives the most penalties every week. Dyche had a moan about the one they didn't get given in the first half which in real time and right front of me, I didn't think was a penalty either (until I saw it later).  To be fair he did admit that we were the better side but how could he not but it's a pretty desperate straw he's clutching at to mention a penalty decision he didn't get after 20 minutes when you've been absolutely played off the park. It's easy to forget that they sent to half Michael Keane was in the last England squad. Maybe it was an off game but he was pretty average today.

Claude was understandably delighted and of course pointed out that we should have one of my many more. The style of football that he has asked playing is now putting average opponents to the sword. In case you hadn't noticed our next five games are Inter Milan away Manchester City away, Chelsea at home, Hull away and Inter Milan at home. If we get through that lot undefeated then a) it will be a fucking miracle and b) it will be a fucking miracle.  It'll be interesting to see what we do with the team selection for the Inter-away match and Manchester City at the weekend. Normally you would expect a stronger team in the Premier League game but I think most fans would prefer to put a strong team out in Milan and take our chances with the City away game which is after all, the most difficult Premier League fixture of the season. We have a few injuries of course what with being down to the third choice in both full back position is but on the positive side Shane Long doesn't appear to be too badly injured, J Rod got a run out today and I would think that Boufal will feature somewhen in these next two games.

For today though, the unbeaten run went up to 7 games and we've come back after an international break and demolished someone. One of my favourite hobby horses is Match of the Day and how ‘big club’ focussed they are.  Usually I just accept it with rolling eyes in my head but this weekend was difficult.  MOTD2, which we always feature on now because we only play on Sundays, was delayed a night to Monday so they could feature the hyped to fuck 0-0 bore draw between two of the big clubs, Merseyside Redcunts and Manchester Redcunts.  They did show quite a lot of our game but the analysis, provided by Keown and Kilbane was horrific.  They show the penalty shouts and yep, it sure looks like Virgil carted Gudmundsson and it should have been a penalty.  However, they’re asking why Virgil turned his back on the player and that’s plainly obvious.  José was on the ground behind him and Virgil was falling over him at the time so you could hardly say it was deliberate.  Then they moved onto our penalty and basically said that McQueen dived, no mention of how well another Saints youngster played on his debut.  Yes it was a soft penalty but compare and contrast the reaction to that penalty and the one Luke Shaw won against Saints earlier in the season.  The same kind of challenge, a slight touch and over he goes but no one even mentioned the possibility that Shaw dived.  At least they agreed on the Burnley penalty which was absolute horse shit though no one actually mentioned that it should have been our free kick as Vokes has hold of Virgil’s shirt right the way through the incident.  If you’re going to be the ‘go to’ man for penalty shouts Mike Dean – at least get it fucking right.

What can you say about the legend that is Francis Benali that hasn’t already been said?   Two weeks of a marathon a day and 75 miles on a bike is absolutely mental for a 47 year old bloke.  I’m a 47 year old bloke and there is absolutely no way in this lifetime as I can barely run to the chip shop.   If you haven’t done so, stick some money in the pot here…

http://www.benalisbigrace.com/

What’s next?  Oh yes… Inter Milan at the San Siro… fucking hell!

Who Let that Senile Old Goat Out

Remember when the Shit 'managers pet' kid was picked in your position at school... that!

Summer is here and it’s a time when we don’t think about football.  Oh yes.

Uncle Roy had a friendly in order to experiment with new players as England went to Dublin to play Ireland for the first time since the 1995 riot.  I remember watching that game as Matt le Tissier was playing.  The England manager that day was a complete arse and picked le God on the left of a midfield 3.  This was the allegedly tactically astute Terry Venables.  This time around the fixture is a warm up for the qualifier we have against Slovenia in the Easiest Qualifying Group of all time.  The squad he picked was interesting in that he has a striker in there in Jamie Vardy who has scored 4 goals this season.  He also had Charlie Austin in there who is rumoured to be a Saints target for the summer as well as Nathaniel Clyne and Ryan Bertrand from our current squad.  Anyhow, come the day and Roy made a colossal balls of it.  Sterling and Lallana got picked despite being shocking for Liverpool recently and we had to suffer players who have been tried and have failed on regular occasions like Phil Jones at right back – all that sort of shit.  I don’t have to write anything about the game – it was 0-0 and totally tedious.  Shane Long played the second half for Ireland as he came on as a sub for David McGoaldrought.  Ryan Bertrand played and he did ok and Clyney was made to look better in his absence as Phil Jones proved once again that you can’t be classed as versatile because you can play shite in several positions.  We had a glimpse of Liverpool’s future as Henderson and Milner were awful in midfield and Lallana and Sterling predictably did nothing.  Vardy got 15 minutes and Austin stayed on the bench.  Maybe Roy’s got something inspiring up his sleeve for the qualifier next week.  Maybe Fabien Delph will play.

In the event, for the competitive World Cup qualifier in Slovenia, Roy pulled out an absolute cracker in his team selection which had had me and I guess, several thousand other England fans, further questioning his sanity, let alone his suitability to manage the England football team.  In goal…. Joe Hart, at right back… Phil Jones, left back… Kieran Gibbs….  I kind of missed the rest of the team.  Let that sink in for a second… Phil Jones and Kieran Gibbs.  A out of position shit centre back who has not played well all season and a left back who though quite decent at times, has hardly played for Arsenal since Christmas.  Clyney, the only right back in the squad and Bertrand, the team of the season left back are on the bench.  The game itself was meandering and boring for the first half an hour with Sterling (another desperately out of form player) missing a sitter.  Then we got a throw in on the right wing and for reasons that I suspect even he doesn’t understand, Phil Jones threw it straight to a Slovenia player, they broke, beat Cahill’s abortion of an attempt to play offside and scored to lead 1-0 at half time.  Jones had been shocking all game and got pulled at half time with Lallana going on and get this – Jordan Henderson, who had been completely shit in midfield, moving to right back.

The second half was entertaining with Jack Wilshere smashing us level after a ball broke to him on the edge of the box and then the same player put us ahead with a quite brilliant goal, created by Henderson steaming up the wing and finding Lallana whose deft flick found Wilshere who again hit the top corner from 25 yards.  Brilliant goal.  We then immediately conceded a goal again which was directly as a result of having shite full backs.  With Clyney ready to come on as Henderson was having a mare defensively, over came a cross from Slovenia’s left and Gibbs stood still as Pecnik got the jump on him and it flew into the net off the side of his head.  We were rescued by Squirrel Head as he burst through the middle and finished well, which was in direct contrast to the other 4 good chances he’s had which he missed in really shit fashion.  We won 3-2 and all the Roy apologists went on about us winning 6 out of 6 and being undefeated in a year.  Yes these are facts but it’s also a fact that this is the easiest qualifying group in history.  Slovenia’s 2^nd goal was scored by a layer who was shit for Sheffield Wednesday when we played them in League 1 back in the day.  They’re our nearest challengers in this group so that gives you an idea of the standard.  Our defence is chronically bad, our ball retention is awful and the managers criteria for picking players is as best questionable and at worse appallingly stupid.  Will we be any better when we play against slightly better opposition – of course not.

On the Clyne situation – Hodgson actually said that there would be questions (from the media I assume) if Phil Jones wasn’t picked.  No there wouldn’t you senile old goat and even so, why are you so scared of the media.  Even United fans know he’s shit and has been shit all season and the whole world knows that he’s not a right back.  Didn’t someone say once that Jones was the new Duncan Edwards or somesuch bullshit when he signed for United whose players always get biged up to be some sort of sensation based on 2 minutes (Macheda, Januzaj). The media of course made an issue of Clyney not looking terribly happy at the end.  Why would he – a shit centre back has been preferred to him at right back and then a midfielder has been put there.  The Old Goat said that Clyne shouldn’t expect to play just because he’s had a good season.  He’s a fucking idiot is Roy and no wonder the defence look shite.  The full backs were dreadful and he persists on picking Smalling to partner Cahill when neither is a leader so there is potential disaster all over the place.  I have a theory that Roy thinks Smalling as in fact a 22 year old Rio Ferdinand.  Here’s a decent back 4 – Clyne, Cahill, Terry, Bertrand.  Assuming Terry is a non-starter then you have to go with Jagielka as whilst he’s not great, he is the closest we’ve got to a defensive leader.

Gibbs being selected over Bertrand, when he’s not playing and not sharp is almost equally ridiculous and Sterling and Henderson owe their presence as England regulars to how good Luis Suarez was when Liverpool won all those games at the tail end of 2013/14.  They’ve both had poor seasons and are not in any sort of form but they’re now undroppable.

To be fair, on the positive side, Lallana coming on made a difference and Wilshere playing slightly further forward had a massive effect.  He’ll be straight back in front of the back 4 once Sturridge or Welbeck gets fit though as you can’t trust Roy to make a tough decision.

Meanwhile, away from Planet Roy, the wheels of the well oiled machine at Southampton FC have been turning and things have been smoothly progressing, unlike last year when we had a couple of wheels missing and were lurching all over the road.  We have signed a couple of players which have addressed specific needs that we had in the squad.  The first was Spanish international Juanmi who joined from Malaga for about £5 million which in today’s market, is nothing. He’s a winger / striker in much the same way that Sadio Mané is and has a decent reputation.  The only negative anyone seems to be able to come up with for him is that he’s small and slight... in the same mould as David Silva... who has not done too badly over here has he.  A couple of days later, Cedric Soares (pronounced ‘So-are-ez’) signed from Sporting Lisbon for about £3.5 million which, for a Portugese international right back is pretty good.  He has a reputation for being decent going forward and being very quick so it all sounds pretty positive from where I’m standing.  Two player son the fringes of powerful European International teams for a combined transfer fee outlay of less than £9 million... when Man United gave us triple that for Luke Shaw.

The Soares deal throws up a couple of interesting points.  The media of course saw it as proof positive that Clyney is off to Liverpool as we’ve signed his replacement.  That may well be the case but no one seems to be considering that Soares may just well be Calum Chambers replacement and he’ll provide competition for last years first choice.  There has been a lot of noise about Liverpool signing Clyne but no one this end has confirmed anything.  It’s standard Smug Twat Rodgers tactics to do everything through the Liverpool media so the Liverpool media have reported that they bid £10 million and we knocked it back, they were going to increase that to £11m or £12m and now Clyne is “desperate” to join them.  All they need to do is bring out the lines like last year when we were “holding Lallana prisoner and stopping him progressing” and all that and we’ll have the full set.  Oh yes, I forgot the “sign by this deadline or we’ll go elsewhere”.  Saints seem to be using the time honoured “pay the asking price or fuck off” approach.

It’s great, Super-Happy-Super-Motivational-Hockey-Guy Ralph Krueger said recently that we’re not a gossip club so the facts are these: - Clyne has a year left on his deal and no one has met the asking price as yet.  I would rather we held him to the last year of his contract and lose him for nothing next summer, rather than sell him to Liverpool.  The other point is that the Soares deal means we are covered whatever the outcome of the Clyne situation and I wonder where Nathaniel’s head is right now.  On the one hand, he’s just had first hand experience of getting shafted when he mixed with the big boys in the England set up and that’s the sort of thing that happens at the bigger clubs.  Maybe that’ll make him want to say or maybe that’ll make him more determined to get away.  It appears that the Champions League big clubs are not interested in him and now, if he stays at Southampton, he’s not an automatic first choice any more.  I also wonder how long the new contract offer from Saints will remain on the table.

News has been very sparse on the loanees we had in last season.  One assumes that Elia and Djuricic have gone back to Werder Bremen and Benfica respectively but they’ve in effect been replaced in the squad by Juanmi and the returning J-Rod.  The loanee we’re all interested in is Toby Alderweireld.  There has been no offical news whatsoever on that one.  We all know we had a clause to buy him and that Atletico Madrid could buy that out.  It’s not been confirmed that they’ve done this and I can’t find a date by which they had to do it.  There has been a rumoured swap deal involving Chelsea and Atletico and Filipe Luis but that seems to have come from a glib comment Mourinho made in a press conference.  There’s been noises from Fucking Spurs (fuck off) and West Ham (ha ha ha) being interested as well.  He’ll either end up at a Champions League Club or with us.  In our favour is that he obviously enjoyed it here and he’ll be a regular.  At Chelsea he’ll be a sub most of the time but be on a load more wedge and in the Champions League.  He’s had a season of being a bench player in the Champions League at Atletico which is how we managed to get him in the first place so I can’t imagine he’ll want that again either at Atletico or at Chelsea.  Still hopeful.

When does the Europa League start?

England in Mainly Positive Shocker

Glenn Johnson Watches the end of his England Career

What started off a little write up of a trip to Wembley, got a whole lot bigger….

“Hi there, it’s your brother in law”

“Oh – hi there, how’s things?”

“Do you want a free ticket to got to Wembley tomorrow for the Slovenia game?”

“Errr.... it’s bath night... oh, alright then”.

So, I might get to see Nathaniel Clyne’s debut in the flesh or more likely, I’ll get to watch another centre back played out of position.  Bring it on anyway.  With all the trains between Southampton and Waterloo being subject to replacement bus services, it’s via Havant and up that way, listening to disaffected Pompey fans talking about their 3-0 defeat by Plymouth in the morning.  It’s amusing.  I hope they enjoy watching a team full of Scummers and ex-Scummers at Wembley.

Wembley – emerging from Wembley Park tube you can see right up Wembley (or Olympic Way as it’s now called) and the stadium looks as uninspiring as the old Wembley didn’t.   I sat on a wall and waited for the brother in law to turn up and looked at the e-ticket I’d printed off.  Club Wembley Silver – that’s the posh bit in the middle tier.   It’s an hour before kick off and in we go.  It’s a bit like stepping into a big city airport.  There are stewards ushering you though the barcode scanners and escalators up to the Club Wembley concourse which is full of food outlets (restaurants) and souvenir shops  and there are a distinct lack of people.  There is no 20 minute queue for a beer or waiting in line playing ‘spot the urinal’ as you’re waiting for people to leave.  In short, it’s very posh and about as far removed from ‘half time at The Dell’ as it could possibly be.  It’s very nice and comfortable and you can understand the casual rich punter being very impressed but for me, it really isn’t what it’s all about.

What is impressive is Wembley when you are in view of the pitch.  Even the Brother in law who is a Welsh rugby fan and used to the Millennium Stsdium in Cardiff, was impressed by the sheer scale of Wembley.  The pitch looked like a patchwork due to the painting out of the logos that were daubed on it for the American Football last week. The wrong shade of green was used as you could still see the logo of the Bumblefuck Braindeads (or whoever) up our end of the pitch.

The big screen filled us in on the make up of the Slovenian team and then it was time for the England reveal. No 1 Joe Hart, accompanied by a profile picture and an action shot.  No 2 Nathaniel Clyne accompanied by a blank screen and then another blank screen, No 3 Kieran Gibbs with pictures.  Right the way through the team we went and even Saido Berahino who was in his first full England squad, had a picture.  It doesn’t matter at the end of the day but surely someone could have taken a picture of Clyne in an England shirt.  I’m sure they could have found one in a cupboard somewhere in St.Georges Park.

Much fawning over Rooney’s 100^th game followed.  It’s a great achievement it has to be said and he’s the youngest player ever to get there.  I’m not his biggest fan by any means though he has entertained over the years, what with banging grannies and prostitutes and all that.  On with the game and as we kick off, a quick scan round Club Wembley sees about 75% of the seats empty but no doubt sold so they’ll be counted on the attendance figures.

The first half was abysmal and the less said about it the better.  In summary, Nathaniel Clyne started off quite tentatively and felt his way into the game before making some forward runs and testing the defence.  He tore the full back a new one on one occasion and pulled a good ball back for Rooney to make a mess of but England seemed to want to funnel everything through the middle to Rooney and so often he was ignored.  Most of his passes came from Cahill in defence or from Henderson and as Henderson was having a shocker, the ball was rarely making it out to him.

One ex-Saint I noticed was Adam Lallana who did his usual array of tight turns but sadly, he was entrusted with taking corners from both sides and he underhit every one and saw it headed away before it even got to the near post.  It didn’t matter which side he took them from – underhit every time.  Useless.

Half time and back to the concourse.  I redeem my beer token purchased before the game and queue for an ‘Asian Platter’... because I can.  How incidental the actual football is the whole Club Wembley experience can be summed up by the fact that there is no countdown or announcement that the 2nd half is about to start and I have to admit that I missed a few minutes which would be the sort of behaviour that would have me calling someone else a corporate wnnker.  I’m sure I missed loads given the excitement of the first half.

Back to the game and Lallana find himself out on the right as Slovenia mount a rare attack and clatters a bloke rather than just hold him up.  A cross into the box, several players jump and it flicks off someone and we’re 1-0 down.  We’re having a discussion on who headed it and we all guess that it was Henderson as he hasn’t put a ball in the right direction all game.  Sure enough we were right.

Straight from the kick off it becomes evident that we’ve been given a wake up call and a slick move ends with Rooney being tripped.  Rooney takes it himself of course and smashes it in for 1-1.  It’s a different game now with Slovenia having shot their bolt and not being capable of doing anything else.  Now England are up for it and pressurising them in midfield, they’re shite and just kicking it anywhere.  Before long, Wilshere bundles his way along the goal line and crosses, the keeper Handanovic sticks a foot out instead of going with his hands and just spoons it up to Welbeck who mis-hits it into the net for 2-1 and a really crappy goal.  It’s quickly become a case of how many we’ll get and from the best move of the match, Welbeck plays a 1-2 with the sleepwalking Sterling and slots it in from the left of the 6 yard box.  Excellent finish.

It was a major shock that Lallana lasted longer than an hour.  He was clearly knackered but Roy obviously forgot he was still out there until 75 minutes but he was still the first to come off with Milner replacing him… how exciting.  Oxlade-Chamberlain made an appearance in place of the tired Sterling and that was just about it.  Henderson stayed on.  Rarely can an international footballer have been as bad in a competitive game and not got substituted.

So, marks out of 10.

Hart 7 – another night off against poor opposition, no chance with goal

Clyne 7 – Good debut, more later....

Gibbs 7 – Good game, much better than Baines, starved of ball a bit

Jagielka 5 – doesn’t look fit to me, should have gone post-World Cup

Cahill 6 – some sloppy moments including getting Jagielka booked by playing him in the shit.

Wilshere 9 – never liked him before but thought he was superb

Lallana 5 – pathetic set piece delivery, tired badly in 2^nd half. I question if he has the work rate to play in a midfield diamond unless he’s in the 10 position.

Sterling 4 – shocking until helped set up 3^rd goal, not convinced

Henderson 3 – dog shit, should never be an England regular. Own goal summed him up.

Rooney 5 – great penalty, otherwise dire.  No ball control and pace is going.

Welbeck 8 – rapidly becoming our most important player

Milner 6 - Mr Average came on, was average, won another cap

Oxlade-Chamberlain 6 – immediately showed he doesn’t have a clue how to defend in front of a full back.

Smalling n/a

Overall I think Clyney had an excellent game.  He did what he had to do in defence and was always looking to get forward and decent when he did so.  England don’t use the wings as much as Saints do so he didn’t see as much of the ball as he should have done but nor did Gibbs on the other side.  It’s not rocket science – the space is on the wings.  Roy Hodgson was given credit for finding a solution to the right back issue.  Sorry – he saw Clyne play at least 20 times for Saints last year but he still tried two Man United centre backs, an Arsenal centre back, an Everton centre back, two Tottenham full backs who can’t defend and worst of all, Glen Johnson.  Clyne is better than all of those options and he has been for two seasons.  Still – better late than never I guess and what do you know – the answer was down at Southampton all the time.

No doubt there will be media clamour for Clyne to leave Saints now. It’s easy to look at those who left in the summer and laugh but there was another on display today who I wonder about. Has Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain really progressed that much in the four years since he left Saints?  I wonder how many games he’s played?  If he’d stayed at Saints a bit, I reckon he’d be a lot better at the defensive side of the game as he really looks lost when the opposition have the ball. I guess when the bids from the big boys come in, each player has to decide if he wants to be the best player he can be or if he wants to be the richest player he can be.

Anyway, onto Tuesday and an away game in Glasgow against Scotland.

Scotland away on a Tuesday night and according to everyone who is paid to give their opinions about football, England are the underdogs as the Scots are playing well now.  It totally depends on if we put as much in as they will.  If we do then the bottom line is that we have much better players than they do.  Scotland do not have one outstanding player like a Gareth Bale or someone like that.  What they do have is a few lower end Premier League players and a load from the Championship.  They do have a manager though who has got them playing as a team which counts for a lot.

Uncle Roy has changed a number of players with the shocking Liverpool 3 being left out and replaced with Milner, Oxlade-Chamberlain and Downing.  I know he’s played well this season but Downing in an England shirt will never sit well with me.  Likewise Milner – I don’t get it, he’ll work hard, win the ball, give it away.  Groundhog day.  Shaw is in for Gibbs and Smalling for Jagielka and in goal we have Fraser Forster, making a return to Celtic Park in an England shirt.  Ex-Celtic and current England footballer – I’m sure Rangers fans will be very friendly towards him.  Strachan has picked the same side as he picked against Ireland in the qualifier that they won 1-0, except for he’s replaced the injured Steven Fletcher with Chris Martin who I remember from our League 1 days.  He was a donkey then and he’s making his Scotland full debut today.

England start pretty well and the tackles are not flying in from the Scots like everyone expected.  They look compact and confident and Anya takes on Clyne and beats him before running out of pitch.  I bet that’ll be the last time he beats him all game, I thought to myself.  England are the better side but Scotland are competing well and then out of nowhere, Wilshere picks up the ball in their half and pings an amazing ball over the top to Chamberlain who flicks a header into the net with the keeper motionless.

That’s more or less it til half time but England are dominant and Scotland are looking like the squad of Championship players that they are.  The Jocks change a few at half time including removing the useless Chris Martin.  I tell you, they’d have been better off with the other Chris Martin up front who could have kept Smalling and Cahill better entertained by singling boring songs about his ex-wife.  Hodgson swaps Cahill for Jagielka and Lallana for Downing who has surely played his last ever England game now.

The first action sees Chamberlain break away on the right and Mulgrew come across and clothesline him across the neck.  Cynical, deliberate, dangerous, all of the above but just a yellow card, or so he thought.  With free kick specialist and creative genius James Milner over the ball I expected nothing but his free kick was to the right area, it came out to Shaw who volleyed it back into the penalty area, pinball off of Robertson at left back and Rooney gets his head to it and nods it past Craig Gordon for 2-0.  The best bit of the game was seeing the passion of the England players in celebrating that goal.  Excellent stuff.

47 minutes and the game is done as Scotland had nothing at all. England continued to dominate and look dangerous.  We were hunting the ball well when Scotland had it and whilst they kept it at the back, as soon as they were closed down they hoofed it.  A lot of England possession was breaking down whenever Milner got it which was infuriating but at the other end of the scale, Lallana was playing superbly, ably backed up by Chamberlain and Wilshere.  Anya has been substituted as predictably, he hasn’t beaten Clyne all day since the first minute.

Sterling is on for Welbeck, Lambert for Chamberlain, Gibbs for Shaw and the reshuffle sees Sterling playing right wing as Robertson advances up the pitch, walks past Sterling who just stands there like a sleepwalking twat, plays a 1-2 with Russell and fires in at the near post.  Whoops Fraser, you really should have done better with that one.

It looked for a second like the Jocks might have hope of nicking a scandalous draw but straight from the kick off England moved up the right and a patient passing move involving Lambert, Milner (yes) and Lallana ended with Milner playing Lallana in behind the full back and Mr IQ pulled it back for Rooney to slam in for 3-1 and game over, again.  With the game won and superiority confirmed, there’s time for some good old fashions baiting of the opposition fans.  All you can hear is “British til you die” and “One Vote and you Fucked it up”. Very amusing.  Barkley came on, gave the ball away and got a bollocking from Roy and that was that.

I don’t remember enjoying an England international that much for years from team performance point of view.  The Wembley England v Scotland game from last year had the best moment (Lambert’s goal) but as a team performance, this was excellent.  The players were right up for it and it shows what we can do when things go well.  There are still issues with the England side and there were a lot of things left untested by a pretty woeful Scottish performance but overall it was great.

Clyney put in another really good performance which has had most commentators crapping on like he’s some sort of well kept secret.  Andy Townsend is a complete helmet but when even he comes out with “it’s nice to find a full back who can defend”, it’s kind of amazing how it’s taken so long for everyone to catch on.  Andy always states to obvious but it seems that non this occasion, the obvious needs to be stated.  On to the other Saint and Fraser didn’t have much to do.  He shovelled one looping header over the bar which considering he’s 9 foot tall is not really difficult but he didn’t cover himself in glory for the Scotland goal so will surely remain 2^nd choice for the foreseeable future.

Out of 10:

Forster 6 – Would have had a 7 but didn’t cover himself in glory for the Scotland goal

Clyne 8 – Yes, we’ve been telling you for ages Roy

Shaw 7 – Decent showing, better than Baines – we knew that as well

Smalling 7 – Didn’t put a foot wrong.  Having said that Scotland had nothing up front when Martin was on.

Cahill 7 – Wished he was still on when Scotland brought on Russell and May as he would have sorted them out.

Milner 6 – Good positionally but as usual, forever giving the ball away.  Better than Henderson.

Wilshere 8 – Let’s just hope he stays fit, getting better all the time, what a ball fro the first goal.

Downing 4 – Not good enough in a million years. Never was.

Oxlade-Chamberlain 6 – Nice goal but a bit wasteful otherwise. Dozes off defensively.

Rooney 8 – Much better, deserved his goals and was happy to drop to the left to use Welbeck’s pace up front

Welbeck 7 – not brilliant but caused problems.  Pace a massive plus and he got stuck in well when the tackles started flying.

Gibbs 6 – Didn’t get too long on the pitch but solid.  Again, better than Baines in that he can actually defend.

Jagielka 6 – No nonsense, struggled a bit against quicker attackers

Barkley n/a – You can see Roy’s problem with him.  Gives ball away a bit but no more than Milner

Lallana 8 – Excellent as he only had to play 45 minutes. Brilliant performance and even the corners reached. Still a massive thick twtt though. 

Lambert 7 – Came on, passed the ball, made us play better.  Maybe his club manager should give him a game. Just a thought.

Sterling 5 – Not convinced he’s as good as the hype says. Awful for Scotland goal – might as well have been asleep.

Here’s my composite team from the two games…

Hart, Clyne, Gibbs, Cahill, Jagielka, Wilshere, Milner, Lallana, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Rooney, Welbeck

There’s no debate over Hart, Clyne, Cahill, Wilshere, Rooney and Welbeck so moving on… Gibbs and Shaw were both decent and either could nail down the left back berth and either should ahead of Baines who is firmly in the “can’t defend” category and should have been binned after the World Cup.  Maybe Ryan Bertrand has a shout in there as well.  The second centre back slot next to Cahill is still open and neither Jagielka or Smalling look good enough to take into Euro 2014.  Milner or Henderson is like choosing between different unpleasant methods of your own execution but Milner was the winner from these two games and if I had to pick one never to play for England again it would be the Liverpool donkey.  I find it interesting that Hodgson keeps mentioning James Ward-Prowse even though he’s injured.  He’d fit in well in this position as a deep lying midfielder.  The attacking midfield slots are up for grabs though the Ox and Lallana contributed the most.  I’d rather have the ex-Saints thick twat as a sub but if he’s not, Sterling can have a kip on the bench for a bit.

Overall, two games, two wins, Scotland put back in their box as were some disaffected England fans, me included.

World Cup Part 8 - Anyone for Penalties ?

Remember this Franz ?

WEDNESDAY 23rd JUNE

Today it was all about England, who, lest we forget, have been abysmal so far. All the permutations had been analysed but let’s cut to the chase here, win and we’re through, anything else and we’re out. Yes we could technically go though with a draw but it’d have to be 3-3 or something so unlikely. After all the shite since the Algeria game, England replaced the suspended Carragher with Upson, replaced Blind Alley Lennon with James Milner and replaced Sack-of-Shit Heskey with Jermain Defoe. Steven Gerrard was still stuck out on the left so I was expecting another disjointed performance.

The first 10 minutes were dreadful and a continuation of the Algeria match. Slovenia didn’t look upto much but neither did England. England should have felt like they were at home with vociferous backing from the crowd and a cabbage patch to play on, just like Wembley. Milner was having a shocker for England for the first 20 minutes with every single touch resulting in the ball being given away. The next time he got it though he fired in a peach of a cross where the onrushing Defoe nipped in front of his marker and smashed it over the keeper for 1-0.

For the rest of the first half it was all England with the Slovenian keeper being an irritating bastard and saving everything. The save he made from Gerrard’s side footer was particularly annoying as I’d had one of those moment when you stand up and yell ‘goal’ before sheepishly sitting down and getting something to mop up the drink you’ve just spilt.

Half time and 1-0 to England and the Yanks are 0-0 with Algeria meaning as it stands, England are going through as top of the group. There have been chances for both sides in this match but the US have had a goal disallowed that looked onside and Altidore has put a volley on the moon when he was only 4 yards out.

England came flying out again in the second half and should have made it 2-0 straight away when another Milner cross was punched as far as Barry who returned it to Defoe who flapped at it rather and scuffed it wide. As the half wore on, more chances came and went as the bloody keeper saved again from a JT header and managed to tip a Rooney shot from 6 yards onto the post. In truth, that was a dreadful miss – OK a good save but he shouldn’t have even seen the ball, let alone managed to get anywhere near it.

Rooney was soon subbed and replaced with Joe Cole before the moment we’d all been waiting for, the introduction of Heskey in place of the goalscorer Defoe. Slovenia in truth didn’t get near the goal but all the back 4 at one time or another made important blocks at vital times. It was nervy, solely because it was only 1-0 but the final whistle went and we were through and were top of the group…. and then the bloody Americans scored to win 1-0 and top the group, meaning we were now finishing 2nd and in the toughest half of the draw. In the post match analysis, Gary Lineker pointed out that due to Landon Donovan’s last minute goal, we’d now be in the half of the draw that would contain Argentina, Germany and Spain.. Who do I blame… Landon Donovan… nope, he was doing his job… Robert Green… we have a winner!!! To be honest, I don’t give a toss – we’re through and that’s all that matters. Spare a thought for Slovenia who were qualifying until the last minute goal for the US which was watched by Bill Clinton who will probably not be having sexual relations with any woman tonight. He’ll probably be having it with 3 or 4.

England marks….

David James 8 - Faultless, didn’t have much to do but did everything well. It’s a funny day when you realise that James is a calming presence on the back 4 . he may be nearly 40 but he’s still the best we have by a mile.
Glen Johnson 6 – not too clever at times and picked up a booking
John Terry 8 – the perfect game for him against two big lumpy centre forwards, a couple of great last ditch blocks as well. Didn’t shag anybody.
Matthew Upson 7 – I was dreading him playing but he did ok. Would have got a 6 but for an excellent tackle right at the death.
Ashley Cole 7 – Constant threat going forward and sound defensively. Divorce proceedings obviously not bothering him.
James Milner 8 – some of his play was poor but the delivery into the box was everything that Lennon and Wright-Phillips can only dream of.
Frank Lampard 7 – Dug in well and made some forward breaks without ever getting the ball at the right time.
Gareth Barry 7 – Steady Eddie was steady.
Steven Gerrard 7 – Stuck to his wing more than usual and some good interchanges with the forwards. unlucky not to score.
Wayne Rooney 6 – Obviously still bothered by something and should have scored. Ankle knock forced him off with 20 to go.
Jermain Defoe 7 – didn’t do much other than score – we’ll let him off.
Joe Cole 6 – Some nice pissing about by the corner flag to waste the last few minutes.
Emile Heskey ? Not enough time to be truly dreadful.

Oh yeah, Fabio’s interview – brilliant. He really cares.

Now to the evening where Ghana played Germany and Serbia played Australia. There were many permutations that could have happened but the only ones I was interested in were ‘Germany lose…’ and ‘Germany draw and Serbia win’ which both of course meant that Germany and Franz were gone.

Both matches were 0-0 at half time and dream of a German exit were dashed on the hour mark when Mesut Oezil smashed Germany in front from the edge of the box. Australia then threatened to make it interesting by scoring two goals in a couple of minutes through Cahill and Holman before Serbia immediately pulled one back when Mark Schwarzer coughed up a Jubulani shot and Pantelic poked in the rebound and that was the end of the scoring meaning that Germany won the group with Ghana going through in 2nd to at least give Africa a team in the 2nd Round. The Aussies and Serbia went out and will be missed by not many people I expect.

And the kicker…. Germany v England in the 2nd Round on Sunday. I wonder if Franz regrets having a pop at England now. Anybody for penalties.... do you fancy it Franz?

World Cup Part 4 - Taxi for Heskey & Podolski

Laugh....? Oh yes...

FRIDAY 18th JUNE

Germany against Serbia was supposed to provide evidence that Germany were the new football master race and Franz Beckenbauer certainly expected this to be the case. The opening 20 minutes of the game wasn’t pretty and it was never going to be as the referee booked anyone who made any sort of challenge for the ball. Klose, the main German –Polish striker made the mistake of trying to tackle someone on two separate occasions and was sent off on the half hour mark. Whilst they were still re-organizing, they want 1-0 down as the right winger skinned the useless lump of a German left back (Batstuber), crossed and it was converted by Jovanovic. I always find it amusing when Germany concede but especially when they’ve just had a man sent off because it implies a lack of organization and efficiency, doesn’t it Franz. The game meandered on and the pivotal moment came when Vidic pointlessly, stupidly and ridiculously, dived to head a ball in his own penalty area and handled it, under pressure from no one. Up stepped the German-Polish striker Podolski to ruthless despatch the penalty with typical German efficiency…. Only he missed it, Ha ha fucking ha, must have been his Polish heritage coming to the fore. And then they gave up and did nothing for the remaining 20 minutes and their young team looked a bit like little boys lost. Great stuff and well done Serbia.

USA and Slovenia in england’s group was up next and to my delight, Slovenia raced into a 2-0 lead which lasted until half time and the Yanks looked doomed. Tourette Tim Howard said “shit, fuck, bugger, fuck, wank, Heskey”. Sadly, the US came out and scored through Landon Donovan straight after half time and from then on, looked the more likely winners. The managers’ nipper equalized with ten minutes and two minutes later they had the ball in the net again and it was disallowed. The cross came over and the whistle went for the foul – then someone stuck it in the net. It’s not a if anyone at any point thought it was a goal so stop bloody going on about it. The game ended 2-2 which was a pretty decent result for England.

The evening kick off of course bought England round again, this time against Algeria who are thought to be generally crap and England should win comfortably and with style and stick Franz’s words right up his arse. After the Green fiasco in the last match and the media explosion that followed, the 100% correct decision was taken by Capello to put David James in goal. More debateable however were the decisions to bring in Gareth Barry and move England’s best outfield player and captain to the left wing and keep Emily Heskey in the team. You can’t call Heskey a striker because he doesn’t ever ‘strike’. Replace the work ‘strike’ with ‘wank’ and you’re getting there.

England again look disjointed and there is nothing happening up front with Rooney not getting the ball which if you remember, is the only reason that Heskey is in the team for. Gareth Barry is doing ok in his first game for 6 weeks and Gerrard is flitting in and out with some sort of intent. Algeria begin to look a bit threatening and soon the ball comes down from the sky on top of James and he flaps it away in none to convincing fashion and it’s like Rob Green is still here. From and Algerian corner, taken by Belhadj, James makes a superb catch under pressure and suddenly, Rob Green is history. Note that James is an England player and Belhadj (and Yebda for that matter) are Skate Bastards.

It’s all a big load of nothing for the rest of the first half and in we go at 0-0 but most worrying is that we’ve hardly had a shot aside from a Lampard effort which was clawed away by the keeper. The second half begins and Carragher gets booked, ruling him out of the Slovenia match. Following this, Capello has obviously despaired at the fact that Lennon has not managed a single decent run or pass all game and replaces him with Joe Cole… oh no he doesn’t, he replaces him with Shaun Wright-Phillips. Heskey gets the ball out on the right wing and surges upfield with what looks like real intent until he is confronted by the left back, at which point he stumbles over the ball before regaining his balance and hoofing it behind the goal – fucking clown. He is eventually put out of his misery and replaced with Defoe who immediately snapped a shot just over the bar. Crouchie gets his token 8 minutes at the end but never really gets on the ball as he’s such a difficult guy to give the ball to, being 8 foot 3 and all that.

And so it ended, 0-0, absolute shit.

James 8 – one flap aside, proved what everyone already knew which is that he should have played the USA match. I reckon that if he had we would have beaten USA and would have therefore also beaten Algeria.
Johnson 5 – Some poor defending and not a lot going forward.
A.Cole 7 – Totally committed and gave us some decent width on the left.
Terry 7 – Solid, didn’t have much to do, managed to keep his dick in his pants
Lennon 3 – Shite to be honest – again proving that Walcott should be out there
Barry 6 – Tired but at least you could always see what he was trying to do
Lampard 3 – Barry’s inclusion was supposed to allow him to drive forward and dominate the game – he didn’t.
Gerrard 6 – Flitted about, looked willing but it’s so obvious he hates playing out on the left… also, the passed it when he had a sight of goal which he NEVER does for Liverpool, causing me to swear out loud which in turn caused my 11 year old daughter to leave the room in disgust
Heskey 0 – not his fault he gets picked but he’s shite and enough is enough. You cannot expect to win a World Cup with a centre forward who is not a goal threat and if a striker is not confident then he’s never going to be any use. Not a striker, a wanker.
Rooney 2 – Alarmingly bad. If he wasn’t who he is then he would have been substituted. Brett Ormerod would have done better to be honest. No fight, no enthusiasm, no strength, no ball control – absolutely nothing… and then an ill thought out swipe at the England fans for booing. Get a grip boy…
Wright-Phillips 1 – Garbage – should never have been in the 30, let alone the 23, let alone on the pitch, one trick pony of the worst kind, just pace and nothing else.
Defoe 6 – At least looked lively
Crouch ? – Not enough time again.

I’ve been a big fan of Fabio Capello up to now but he’s worrying me. The ignoring of Joe Cole, the inclusion of Heskey and Wright-Phillips, Gerrard on the left, shit players in the squad (Carrick, Upson, Wright-Phillips), better ones at home (Parker, Adam Johnson, Jagielka, Walcott), dodgy substitutions, picking Green for the USA game… and I’m worried he’s going to bring in Upson for the suspended Carragher on Wednesday and Upson is another player who should not be out there as he’s had a crap season….. also, in order for England to do anything, our big players have to perform and these are Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney. Lampard and Rooney have been shocking so far and unless they sort it out, we’re going home early. I can see us scraping the win to get us though to the last 16 but if we line up against Slovenia with Heskey in the side then we’re coming home on Wednesday. My side would be James; Johnson, Dawson, Terry, A.Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Barry, J.Cole; Gerrard; Rooney. If he wants to play two out and out strikers though, there has to be a case for leaving out Lampard and of course, Heskey must not play...ever... again

SATURDAY 19th JUNE

Didn’t watch much today as I was on the beer. The odd snippet of Holland and Japan was viewed though my glass as Holland won 1-0 with a Jubulani goal as Wesley Schneijder hit a shot that the keeper dived right for, only to see it disappear over his left shoulder and into the net. Holland closed it out and are the first team through to the next round.

Following their pasting by Germany, Australia took the lead v Ghana before Harry Kewell was sent off for handball and Ghana made it 1-1 from the resulting penalty. In case you’re reading Harry, you handle it on the line when the ball was going in, you get a red card, you get off the fucking pitch, you don’t hang around arguing for 10 minutes while the rest of us look at replays which clearly show you handling the ball on the goal line, making you look even more like the bell end I suspect that you are. I have never like Harry Kewell, a classic ‘wage packet’ player who has loads of ability but a shit attitude.

A shocking pass across their own penalty by a Dane, gave the ball to Samuel Eto’o who said thanks very much and smashed it in the net. Denmark equalized when the walking wig that is Nicklas Bendtner slid in a Rommedahl cross. Chances apleanty for both side but Rommedahl won it for Denmark when a Cameroon defender waved him past and he curled a nice shot into the far corner which made Cameroon the first team to go out.

World Cup Part 1 - Robert Green

Behind You, You Fucking Idiot

FRIDAY 11th JUNE

France v Uruguay was my pick for Day 1, mainly because I was out for South Africa v Mexico. That particular game ended 1-1 which was a shame as I want South Africa out as soon as possible. I am still scarred by the 2002 World Cup in South Korea when fair play went out the window and some incredibly odd refereeing decisions helped Korea to the Semi finals. So – as we have another minnow hosting the thing, I want them out in the group phase before it becomes important. I listened to a bit of it on the radio or rather, I listened to the Vuvuzela noise of a thousand wasps and a commentator trying to shout over the top of it – I will not refer to the Vuvuzela again and it shall be referred to as ‘Those Fucking Horns’. I tuned into France v Uruguay hoping to see two strong teams who would ensure South Africa get knocked out. However, Uruguay qualified through a playoff and we all know how France got there with the Hand of Henry.

A lot of the names in the French team are familiar though the Champions League and you always expect them to be a decent side but lets cut quickly to the chase here – they are shite and when you look at the players they have and the manager they have, it’s not surprising. Lloris in goal is OK and the back 4 is alright with Gallas, Sagna and Evra in there, along with Abidal who is a shocking player who happens to play for Barcelona, one of the biggest clubs in the world. It’s an interesting phenomenon where you have a shite player playing for a great club. Think Djimi Traore at Liverpool and you’re getting there with Abidal – big donkey. Replacing ZZ in midfield they have Yoann Gourcuff who is just bollocks. Gets it, gives it away, crosses it over everyone. Then you have Franck Ribery who (if you believe the media) was attracting bids of 60 million Euro last summer. Average at best and a graduate from the Iain Dowie / Brett Ormerod School of Beauty. Thierry Henry’s legs have gone so no more Va-va-voom and that leaves Anelka who never really got the ball unless he dropped back to the half way line. Worst of the lot was Sidney Govou who was picked ahead of Florent Malouda who has had a brilliant season. Govou was a complete embarrassment until he was eventually substituted by the genius that is Raymond Domenech, manager of the Century. The best thing about France is that I have them in the sweepstake, along with Japan, who I feel will get me more points.

The game…? Oh yeah, it was dreadful and 0-0 and they should have refunded all the admission money to the paying customers who bought a ticket thinking they were going to see a football match.

SATURDAY 12th JUNE

Day 2 saw South Korea beat Greece 2-0 and Argentina hammer Nigeria 1-0. with Argentina, all the focus is on the fat, cocaine snorting, cheating bastard and not on the players they have on the pitch which is a shame because any team that has Messi, Tevez and Higuain in it is worth watching, for more so than that little shit. Of course, Day 2 saw England play the USA.

Due to unbelievable timing, my missus needed picking up from Southampton Airport at 7.10 with the game kicking off at 7.30 so I missed the first five minutes. I was listening to Those Fucking Horns on the radio when Gerrard scored and nearly crashed the car but luckily I was the only car on the motorway. Home and in front of the TV, sorted, Robert Green, oh my god. Usually I would let rip big style but I’m sharing a sofa with my kids, aged 5, 9 and 11 so I managed to restrict it to ‘idiot’ as I threw myself back into the chair. ‘Dad… why did he do that ?’. ‘Yes son, I know you would have stopped it and you’re only 5 and yes, Grandma would have stopped it and she’s been dead 5 years’.

After half time, Lennon puts Heskey through with just the keeper to beat. I was transported back a couple of years to Bradley Wright-Phillips playing for Saints. He’s clean through and I’m not on the edge of my seat, I know he’s not going to score so what’s the point in getting excited. Blam, straight at the keeper. I just shut my eyes and sighed. Talking of Wright-Phillips, Shaun gets the ball laid to him on a plate by Rooney and he too has just the keeper to beat and instead of smashing it, he tamely chips into Tourette Tim Howard’s hands. I sigh again and then the camera shows SWP clearly laughing. I ask him ‘WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT YOU DICKHEAD ?’ to the mild amusement of my 9 year old but the 11 year old is a bit of a sensitive type and goes to find her mum. Apparently she said that ‘Daddy’s not been too bad but he’s just said a naughty word…. But it’s ok, as it’s one I’m familiar with’.

Moving on and Altidore skins Carragher and bobbles a shot at the near post which Green again makes a complete ricket of and it bounces off his hand onto the post and out. Imagine if he’d added a near post bobbler to the one he let in earlier. He should have got a good hand to it and pushed it round the post but thank Christ he got lucky this time. England have the better of the play and create chances with Lampard and Rooney going close but nothing’s really happening and it ends 1-1, not a disaster, not a great start.

My England Marks out of 10 are:
Green 0 – just abysmal goalkeeping, no excuses, just crap, off you go, never play for England again, you’re not good enough, you’ve been crap all year for West Ham as well.
Johnson 8 – storming game, some great runs forward and solid enough at the back
A.Cole 7 – not too bad though didn’t offer much going forward but good to see that his divorce isn’t playing on his mind too much.
Terry 7 – Solid, kept his concentration and didn’t shag anyone
King 5 – Slow and injured at half time, not a surprise on either count.
Lennon 6 – Very quick, very erratic, better than Walcott?
Lampard 6 – Not seen much but was playing anchor role in midfield which he did well at even though it’s foreign to him.
Gerrard 8 – Great goal and some good tackling. A real Bryan Robson performance – very impressed
Milner 4 – Ran about for half and hour, got booked, did nothing. Wasn’t fit, shouldn’t have played.
Rooney 6 – Looked dangerous when he got the ball which wasn’t often. Would do better up there on his own.
Heskey 6 – Same old same old, set up the goal but when we needed him to score, bollocksed the best chance of the match and the sad thing is – everyone (including himself and Capello) knew that he would.
Wright-Phillips 4 – Rubbish, not good enough to play in his best position and certainly not good enough to play on the other side.
Carragher 6 – He did ok aside from the aforementioned skinning. I expect him to play the next game from the start.
Crouch ? Not enough time for our big centre forward who can actually score goals.

Disappointed but following England has never been easy. Today was mainly worrying because the first cracks appeared in Fabio Capello’s selection with his main decisions being Green in goal, King at centre back and Milner on the wing. These all went wrong but of course it all comes down to the goalkeeper. If he’d saved that and we won 1-0, then no one would be talking about the things that weren’t quite right. I trust him to get the right team on the pitch for the Algeria match, one that includes David James, Joe Cole and Gareth Barry.

SUNDAY 13th JUNE

Germany against Australia was up on the next day and I expected this to be similar to England v USA. The ‘big’ team should win but the opposition are decent enough to make a very good game of it. I watched it with the hope of an Australian win. 4-0 to the sodding Germans and not only that, they looked really, really good which is never nice to see. Three up front who all look dangerous (and all scored) and three in midfield who all worked hard and could all pass the ball with Khedira and Ozil looking class players. If we come 2nd in our group then we’ll play the Germans and then we can all go home. The only chink of light is that Australia were truly dreadful and played the last half hour with 10 men after Tim Cahill’s deserved (I don’t give a shit what anyone else says) red card.

There were also two real stinker matches today, one of which, Algeria v Slovenia was in England’s group as Slovenia won 1-0 with a goalkeeping error almost as bad as Robert Green’s. Another abysmal match saw Ghana beat Serbia 1-0. Serbia were well hyped before the tournament by the English media, mainly because they have a Man Utd player in their team. Aside from Vidic though, they are pretty average and my tip to be the first team eliminated when they take on Germany in their next game.

So, best team so far – Germany, worst – France. Germany aside, the standard has been poor and those fucking horns are really annoying.