League 1 Match 32 - Colchester 0 Southampton 2

Funny place to name a ground after

It’s all been pretty quiet since the Walsall disaster. A couple of players have been wheeled out to dish out bland statements – Butterfield about the Walsall game and Hammond about the forthcoming Colchester game. Deano used to play for them of course. Nigel Adkins has hinted at dipping into the loan market and said we just have to go again and try and go on a run of winning matches. All bland and obvious but what else can he say to be fair. Since Gordon Strachan, we have had a succession of managers that only seem to answer a question in one style, be it after a win or a defeat. This can the impression of not really being honest or not having the faintest idea what’s going on. Adkins is always positive – quoting from his ‘How to be a Modern Manager’ Text Book, Poortvliet always talked in riddles, complete bollix and Burley just sounded depressed and mumbled stuff that made no sense at all. I think that it’s only being being a bit up and down that you show your emotions and really connect with fans because that’s what fans are like – we’re the best or we’re the worst. Strachan kind of did this which is one of the reasons why he’s one of our more popular of our last 53 managers – oh yeah, and there was the 8th place in the Prem finish and the FA Cup Final appearance. Pardew was another who showed what he thought and usually did so with some intelligence. I particularly remember him being fed up with the negativity surrounding us.

So – Colchester away at the Weston Shore Care Home Silly Name Park Stadium. In the absence of any firm injury progress updates on either Bart, Seaborne, Chambo, Morgan or the Gulyman, I expected a predictable line-up with Jaidi playing for a 3rd time in 7 days as the manager doesn’t trust Aaron Martin, Chappers and Deano in the centre and Barney and Sir Rickie up front…. And that’s what I got. The good news being that Chambo was fit to start. Notables in the Colchester line up include Kayode Odejayi who is the size of a enormous tree and about as mobile. Also, they have Lloyd James football genius, Saint of old who demonstrated great versatility in being very average in several positions.

I’m struggling to keep in touch with todays game because I’m at Southampton Ski Centre, bombing down the slopes in an inflatable ring thing. The theory is simple – you go down the slope and then do an impression of a Crash Test Dummy as you smash into a padded wall at the bottom. If you hit it backwards you get whiplash, forwards you break you ankles and sideways your brain bounces off both sides of the inside of your skull – it’s great and it’s my daughters birthday so I have to do it.

It is fairly common for Saints league matches to open up with a period of one-way traffic but it’s usually away from our goal and not towards it. After 20 minutes we had stats of 35% possession, nil shots on target, nil shots off target. Davis made a decent block from Mooney after 5 minutes after Fonte had miscontrolled the ball and we weren’t dealing with Colchester Technical Game Plan whereby the ball is bombed on top of Odejayi, 6ft 6ish massive bloke whenever Colchester get it within 70 yards our your goal. Aidy Hoofroyd brought them this approach when he was manager and even though he has long gone, they seem to have kept the style. On 20 minutes we went ahead on one stat when we went 1-0 up on the yellow card count when Lee Barnard got booked for trashing someone.

The game changed on the half hour mark when we got a free kick on the edge of the Colchester box for Clarke’s repeat assault on Barnard. Up stepped Sir Rickie to smash it off of Barnard on the end of the wall and it turned into a perfect pass to Chamberlain to tap home for 1-0.

A minute later it got even better for Saints as Davis rushed from his line and pulled out of a challenge only to see Butterfield steam into a tackle with Mooney and win a tackle with a real man and ball effort. The ball went loose to Davis and another forward steamed in late and slid into Butters. Mooney, the Colchester striker who has always been a bit of a cock when we’ve played them, decided it was a good idea to get up and shove Butters in the back of the neck as he got up. Regardless of the stupidity of the push, it didn’t really warrant a red card but that’s what he got. I could believe that he’d been his normal bell-end self and annoyed the ref earlier in the game but a straight red….? Well take it though, off you go, don’t let the door hit your ass.

Saints managed to create one more major chance before half time as Chambo totally skinned the left back before clipping over a brilliant cross where it was met by the ‘new Ron Davies’, Adam Lallana who didn’t do his usual powder puff flicked header off the side of his face and instead went for a thumping Big Ron effort which Williams tipped up and over the bar, via a couple of bounces on top of said crossbar. Lee Barnard was on the goal line looking at the ball in much the same way that a cat wills a bird to fall out of a tree. The Lloyd James had a shot………… and luckily, he hasn't improved. Half time and 1-0.

Five minutes into the second half we got a corner, from which we revealed another one of our training ground routines as Chambo rolled it into Lallana who dribbled away from goal before chipping it back into the mixer. The training ground routine probably ends with Fonte or Jaidi thumping a header into the net but this time it was cleared as far as Hammond who cut past one player before lashing into the net at the far post. Good strike and 2-0 and what should be game over.

The game went into a bit of a holding pattern for the next 20 minutes as Saints were happy to hold what they had and Colchester trying to make the running but not having much success. Barnard tested Williams out again and found him equal to it.
On 70 there was a bit if a surprise with Jaidi being subbed and Aaron Martin coming on to play with Fonte in what will probably be our centre back pairing for next season. Maybe it was an injury or maybe he just wanted to rest the Big Man for Tuesday nights game against Yeovil. What it definitely did was give Aaron a chance to play against a tree.

On 80 minutes, Nigel thought that Barnard had managed to stay cool long enough, despite the kicking he was getting and gave him a rest with N’Guessan coming on in his place. Just before he left, Barnard latched onto a Sir Rickie flick and rolled it past the onrushing Williams, only to see it dribble wide of the post. One more sub to go as Alex Chamberlain was given 5 minutes rest as he was replaced by Richardson. No dramas, no alarms, no worries, 2-0 and happy days are here again.

They may have had a man sent off and we may not have played particularly well but guess what – it doesn’t matter a shit. Nigel was full of praise for the professionalism shown and singled out Lee Barnard in particular for getting booked on 20 minutes and then managing to not get booked in the face of a severe kicking from the Colchester defence, in the next 60 minutes. Mind you, Lee has learned the hard way that if you don’t show restraint, you end up in the shit or in hospital or both.

Of our promotion rivals – everybody won except for Huddersfield who drew. Brighton came close to dropping a point but sneaked a last minute winner to win 4-3 v Carlisle. It’s the same story as always in this league… you go nowhere by winning one and then winning another with a couple of dodgy results inbetween – the only way you seriously improve your position is by stringing together 5+ wins in a row. We’re capable of that as much as we are capable of buggering up a fixture where we should be winning comfortably.

So, today was the first match of our next 5 match winning run and the next is Yeovil at home which, on paper anyway, is one we should definitely win. Following that we have the Moaning Dorset Bastards at Dean Court but lets not let that game overshadow what is coming our way on Tuesday night.

The Return of the Wotton.

League 1 Match 7 - Southampton 0 Colchester 0

It's a fucking Bunny Rabbit, Alright !!!

Back to SMS for the latest home bow for the latest new manager – forgive me for being blasé about the first home match for our 95th new manager in the last few seasons. In the build-up, he had been first class, making the right noises and coming across well but when it mattered, could Nigel Adkins deliver. I had an early uplifting moment just before kick off when I overheard the one Chuckle Brother present today (the whiny one) saying that he was missing the next three matches. My loud cheer brought some quizzical looks from the Kingslanders around me as the tannoy was announcing the Colchester team at the time.

Our team showed one important change with Lee Barnard returning instead of David Connolly who was missing altogether, presumably injured. The bench had one different, if slightly alarming component with Anthony Pulis on there, for what I think is his first appearance on the subs bench since he signed, just over two years ago. I’ve never seen him play but those who have say he makes Paul Wotton look like Lionel Messi. Nigel Adkins comes out and waves to the SMS faithful and the 15 or so Colchester fans and gets a decent reception and I sense good things are about to happen.

Saints started a bit nervously but got it going around the ten minute mark when Barnard was chopped down on the edge of the box. Up stepped Sir Rickie and curled it over the wall and into the side netting. Bugger.

Aidy Hoofroyd may have gone but Colchester prove that old habits die hard with one man up front and whoosh. The one man up front it a bit of a lemon who decides to charge down a Davis kick out with his hands provoking a lecture from the ref when it surely should have produced a card. Ten minutes later he does the same from a Harding clearance and this time gets a booking. Pillock.

On 25 minutes there is a rare thing in that a Colchester player gets substituted and on comes Lloyd James as a sub. As he jogs towards the right back slot, he gets a generous reception from the Kingsland which is nice to hear. Maybe it’s because he was a decent if limited servant to the club or maybe it’s because we have a better chance of winning now that he’s on the field. Within two minutes he’s got the ball in a crossing position and his cross hits Harding on the knee. Some things never change.

Colchester’s midfield is made up of little spiky bastards who get about the park and snap into tackles. Playing against them would be like trying to dribble a tennis ball through a team of Jack Russell terriers. Kemal Izzet is the captain and head little shit. Last year he senselessly booted someone up the arse here and got sent off. This year he’s everywhere and managing to find time to referee the game as well, ably supported by this little blonde shit who isn’t actually very good but he’s very annoying and closes everyone down quickly – mind you, Stephen Hawking could close down Hammond before he’s decided what to do with it and his brain has told his feet what to do.

The Bermuda Triangle of Seaborne, Harding and Puncheon was in full operation – the ball goes in and disappears, only emerging later in Colchester’s possession, usually when Puncheon has tried to take on someone and lost it, or when Harding or Seaborne have hoofed it three miles – though in their defence, this is often when they have no one to pass it to. On the other side of the pitch, Alex Chamberlain was having a fitful kind of game – some brilliant skill and bursts of pace, mixed in with being knocked off the ball really easily and being too eager to play asfe.

Half time, 0-0 and in summary, not very good.

Saints best chance so far came on 50 minutes as a corner that had been won by Puncheon and delivered by Schneiderlin, actually missed the first defender and was met by the boot of Sir Rickie and his volley was superbly saved by Cousins in the Colchester goal. Butterfield got forward for his usual one shot and this weeks effort was a decent daisy cutter which had the keeper scrambling as it pinged off of someone and off for another corner.

With 25 to go, Adkins has had enough of the left hand side of the team and hooks Harding and Puncheon in favour of Ryan Dickson and (loud groan from me) Lee Holmes. Immediately though, the change is marked as Holmes cuts in onto his right foot and curls a shot wide. The crowd all went ‘Oooooooooh’ but in fact it was about 6 yards off target. Dickson is also flying down the wing at every opportunity and we look miles better.

With Holmes now taking over the set pieces, we suddenly looked much more dangerous with Hammond going close with a header but the main thing was that the ball was being delivered into the right area, close to the keeper but not too close and difficult to defend against. A goal was beginning to look like it might be coming but then we had a brown pants moment as suddenly, Colchester sub Odejayi was clean through. Luckily he delayed just enough to allow Butterfield and Fonte to make it back before poking the ball to Vincent who only half hit it allowing Superkelv to smother it. Thank fuck for that.

As the clock ticked 90 and 4 extra minutes were displayed, Saints were on the attack and Colchester had retreated so far they were nearly down by the Docks. Barnard was chopped down on the edge of the box and we had a free-kick, 25 yards out, just left of centre. The referee walked the wall back a good 7 yards at the most and up stepped Sir Rickie to arch one towards the bottom corner which the keeper clawed away at fullo stretch. Bastard. Two minutes alter and another foul in the same place and an identical action replay, only this time it was an even better save. Double bastard.

As soon as the keeper saved the second free-kick, the final whistle blew and the reaction of the crowd was a kind of disappointed appreciation. We had kept going for the full 90 and you could see the green shoots of recovery but I would rather we’d been utter bollocks for 90 minutes and won 1-0. Yes the team had put in a decent send half show but the end result was 450 minutes now, without a goal.

There was one unexpected positive out of today which was the performance of Lee Holmes who up til now, I have only thought was a complete waste of oxygen. Nice bloke I’m sure, loves his Mum I’m sure, effective as a footballer… nope. Today though, he looked decent and put over some set pieces that were 1000% better than the abysmal ‘hit the first man’ shit served up by Schneiderlin and particularly by Puncheon. I would not be at all surprised to see Puncheon on the bench for the next match as Holmes did more in 15 minutes than Puncheon did in 75 so maybe he deserves a go and lets face it, Puncheon deserves to be dropped. Ryan Dickson also made a decent impact when he came on for the disappointing Harding who could also find himself doing a bit of bench duty for a while. I feel that Harding will be slightly stronger defensively but it’s going forward where we’re struggling so get Dickson in there, especially in home games.

Other negatives were Dan Seaborne who is just not very good but he did prove that Aaron Martin should definitely be in the side when fit. Our central midfield got a pasting from the quicker and lighter little shits that Colchester had in there. I thought Hammond was desperately poor – I’m nearly 42 and I reckon I could turn faster and make my mind up on the pitch quicker than he can. He looks so stiff, like he needs two hip replacements or something. As for Schneiderlin – same as ever really with some nice touches and the occasional burst forward mixed in with some over-ambitious passes which ended up as Rugby style kicks for position. It’s all very well twisting and turning and pinging a decent looking pass over the full back – but if it’s 40 yards in front of the winger then I’m sorry, but it’s crap. The central midfield is an area that really, really, really needs to be addressed somehow. Am I repeating myself here – I think I am.

Assuming we don’t bring anyone in on loan before next Saturday, I think we’ll see a few changes for what will be a very difficult game next week at Hillsborough. I think we’ve improved over the last two games under Nigel Adkins but very very slightly and not enough to actually put the round thing in the oblong thing with a net on it. Maybe next week….

League 1 Match 24 - Colchester 2 Southampton 1

Excerpt from Aidy Hoofroyd Coaching Manual

A trip to the new Weston Homes Crap Name Community Stadium in Colchester to play against Aidy Hoofroyd’s charges was next up for saints, a mere 48 hours after the last game. I will start off by saying that I hate Aidy Hoofroyd and his methods of playing football – all long ball and niggle. He managed to get Watford promoted to the Premiership once and the following season got found out in spectacular fashion when the Plan A that he always used wasn’t so effective when you didn’t have the ball. I bet he’s got every coaching badge under the sun which is a savage indictment of that particular system. I believe here that I may have repeated what I said in the blog when we played them at home so the charge of ‘lazy journalism’ could be directed at me. All I’m trying to do is increase my chances of getting a job at The Daily Echo..

Pards responded to the opposition with Jaidi replacing Perry at the back and Wayne ’12 points’ Thomas coming in at right back. This meant James moving into midfield at the expense of Connolly who was benched. Antonio was preferred to Waigo which I was a bit disappointed with but maybe Colchester in the fog and cold would be too much of a culture shock for the man from Senegal. At the kick off, news filtered through that Jacob Mellis has returned to Chelsea and his loan is not being extended. Don’t let the door hit your ass.

I heard about the team changes via my car radio on my way to ….. Portsmouth, where once again, my kids had decreed that I take them on a match day. Surely there must be a decent swimming pool with an SO post code. There is one thing that you can always count on when you go to Portsmouth and that is that there will always be a big queue of traffic trying to get out. I’m better organized than before with my phone in a hold-all that is not in a locker. Luckily, my kids can swim well enough to not drown, so I can nip out every so often and keep track of the game.

Twenty minutes gone and nothing has happened. Beep, beep, 1-0 Colchester, sod it. I decided at this point that it was to be a game that would be better viewed every half hour or so – in short, I had a feeling that the curse of Hoofroyd was going to strike again. From the highlights it looks like a piss-poor goal with Trotman 50p-heading a bread and butter punt forward behind him. Half time arrived with it still at 1-0 and not a lot of chances for that to change.

Pards made a change at half time with Connolly replacing Schneiderlin and after 15 minutes of nothing, Waigo replaced the disappointing Antonio. Ten minutes later and Saints and Waigo had the ball in the net but it was disallowed for offside. The main shock of this incident was that the offence was against Lallana and not the goalscorer.

Three minues later and Saints again threaten as a Lambo free-kick is well saved before Colchester sprang upfield and took a two nil lead thanks to some more shambolic defending, lots of bodies about but no one doing anything decisive and ‘have as much space as you like’.

And so it continued and the fog came down and the temperature went down as well. Ninety minutes were up and still we pressed forward and Cap’n Hammond was senselessly hacked down by the keeper when running away from goal. Maybe the keeper thought no one would see it in the fog. Give us a penalty and the usual will happen in that Lambert will smash it in the net. 2-1 and 4 minutes to be added. Could we?

No.

Final whistle and a 2-1 defeat. I hate losing to Hoofroyd teams and we’ve done it again. Pards seems to hate losing to Hoofroyd teams as well as he’s very pointed in his post-match comments, talking of ballboys holding onto the ball, intimidation from the Colchester players, off the ball incidents etc. Like I said at the start, all long ball and niggle. However, you have to rise above all that stuff and I’m sure that Pards knows that. I can’t help but feel that Hoofroyd stole a bit of a march on Pards by not naming Clive Platt (basketball player who usually plays up front) in the side whereas Pards set up to combat Platt and the tactics that invariably follow when he plays. Hoofroyd will continue to do well for Colchester and if he stays they’ll do well in a limited way. If that’s what you take your FIFA Coaching badges for though then you can stick them where the sun don’t shine.

It’s a disappointing result but I think we’re still in a good place and we’ll continue pushing on up the league in the coming months. January is nearly upon us and with it, the opening of the transfer window so many questions will be answered. Will Antonio stay and if he does, will he manage to become a two-trick pony ? Will Trotters be kept on or bought, if not then I’m going to have no one to write about. Will we pinch any more players off of rivals in this league or maybe even players from the Championship. I’d like to see a decent winger signed as our service into Lambert is often shocking and maybe another strong midfield player to compliment Hammond and give Schneiderlin some more competition. Also, it would be nice to see some of the Previous Regime Legacy shite moved on like Molyneux, Pulis and Lancashire. There are a few others I wouldn’t be crying about either if they left, like Lee Holmes and Abysmal Forecast.

I had managed to escape Portsmouth though the queue to get out was still massive. We did have our papers checked by tracksuited tattooed chavs before we were allowed on the M27 and we held our breath until Fareham and then we were home free.

Happy New Year everyone and what a tumultuous year it’s been for Saints. At the start of the year we had Jan The Fucking Moron Poortvliet (to give him his full title) as Manager and Rupert Lowe as Chairman. Things as you know got progressively worse (Administration, 10 point deductions, relegation, Lord Mawhinney, nearly ceasing to exist, Pinnacle, Micky Fialka) until on day in August when a certain Swiss man rocked up and took over. It’s been upwards ever since and I think it will continue to be that way. So we lost today – look at the big picture and see that it whilst it matters, it isn’t the end of the world. We won’t have many tougher games than this, this season and as it stands we have a very good chance of a Wembley appearance and a decent shout at getting in the playoffs. I’d have settled for that in June / July time, f’sure. Like it says in those Guinness ads, good things come to those who wait (and to those who are not irrationally impatient)…

Happy New Year !!!

League 1 Match 6 - Southampton 0 Colchester 0

Colchester at home – this is the day. This is the day that the season will take off. I am convinced. I may be deluded. Lending weight to this belief is the fact that Colchester are in a state of turmoil…. Their manager and coaching staff have all upped and left and two of their best players have also departed, all since the season started. One of those players is of course, Dean Hammond who will be wearing the red and white from now on. The negatives (as far as SFC are concerned) are that they have had a decent start, winning the first game 7-1 away from home for example and also, they have a new manager, Aidy Boothroyd, who is the embodiment of a lot of what I hate about Championship and League 1 football. If it moves – kick it, if it’s a ball – kick it harder. Against Boothroyd teams over the past few years, Saints have an average result of a 3-0 defeat. Today was going to be different though.

A major reality check came in the fact that this game was being played at all. It was international weekend but we’ve fallen so low now that our games are not called off which means that if you do happen to have to have any internationals, then they will be missing. Hence, Saganowski was away with Poland and Paterson was back in the team. With Rasiak having been sold to Reading, we had no striker on the bench. Our two new signings, Jaidi and Waigo were still in work permit limbo so other than Paterson, we had the same side as last week. Waigo was introduced to the crowd but thankfully, I was in the bog and missed the first showing of his celebratory ‘goal’ dance. Save it for the real thing sonny….

Away we go and Saints are playing ok, passing the ball about and looking threatening. Paterson has a stabbed chance cleared off the line and Lallana is looking particularly on form. It’s always interesting to see what sort of referee you get in League 1 because the standard is consistent… they’re all shite. This bloke seems like a complete bell end wouldn’t know a foul if it bit him. Rickie Lambert was persistently fouled in the first 20 mins but not one free kick and a similar story for Clive Platt, up front for Colchester who was being Trotmanned – look it up – it means “assaulted without the ball being anywhere near”. Dean Hammond was lucky to get away with no sanction for throwing the ball in the stomach of a bloke who was a team mate a week or so ago but I like him – he wants to win and it shows…. Hopefully in time, this will rub off on the ‘oh so soft’ academy players we have brought through.

Colchester looked like a team that hadn’t had Boothroyd in charge for long as they were at least trying to play on the grass but then it all changed as Kemal Izzet stupidly decided to take a big hack at Lallana, who was in a dangerous position out by the corner flag with his back to play, and even this ref couldn’t miss that and he got a straight red.

Whilst fans are delighted at a red for the opposition, I never am because it means that we will be playing against opponents who will shut up shop and it will take a bit of guile to break them down which means stretching the play out to the wings. Saints have no wingers and haven’t had a decent one for years which means that whenever we are presented with a team that shuts up shop, we run out of ideas and end up just hoofing it. Whilst this is going on of course, you have to defend against the hoof forwards from the opposition and on one occasion we didn’t and Platt hit the bar. In the ensuing panic, Trotman tried to clear it over his shoulder and succeeded in just hoofing it for a corner. Comedy gold. It’s all gone Hoofroyd and it’s 0-0 at half time.

Dumb and Dumber, who sit behind me, had been joined for this game by Dumbest. So we have one who just states the obvious, one who thinks he’s funny and one who just hasn’t got the faintest idea about anything and has nothing to say, so he talks complete bollocks. Match the moron to the sentence….

Sentence 1. “Saints need to get a goal here”

Sentence 2. “Izzet a red card, Izzet a funny name”

Sentence 3. “Where’s Rasiak today?, we could do with him”

In the concourse, another reminder that things have changed… you can get to the bar with missing any of the second half and you can also get to the bog without queueing for ten minutes and wondering if the guy in front would notice if you peed in his pocket.

Joseph Mills on at half time for Jacob Mellis who I have not mentioned so far… this is because he did nothing and is a lightweight ponce. After 5 minutes it became obvious to the more cynical of us that we weren’t going to score which is kind of depressing when you have 40 minutes left to play against 10 men at home. Thomson came on for Paterson to try and give us some width on the right but he was completely useless in this and any other respect. The removal of Paterson of course meant we only had Lambert up front and he was getting no service below 9 foot in the air and no joy at all from the referee despite being battered every time he went near the ball.

We’d been drawn into a hoofing war again and were not getting anywhere with it. Balls flew across the box with no Saint near them and when occasionally there was one, a Colchester defender flung a body part in the war. Credit to them, they did defend very well. Schneiderlin came on and actually passed the ball but as usual, he was light years ahead of his team mates in both thought and deed so invariably, he’d sweep a 50 yard ball out to the wing, where the winger would mis-control it out for a throw.

Final whistle, 0-0. boooooooooooooooooo!

Positives – Clean Sheet. We can defend against hoofball. We couldn’t do this at all last year but we can now. The lump up to the big man (Platt) who flicks it to the little man (Lisbie) was dealt with easily by Trotman and Perry, ably supported by Thomas, Harding and Davis. With Jaidi to come in as well, Pardew has built from the back which apparently he didn't do when manager of Charlton.

Negatives – the witless and guileless way we attempted to break down a massed defence. Hoofing the ball high to Lambert is pointless and especially so without someone to run off him. It isn’t going to work and we’re not going to climb the league any time soon playing like that. Maybe the man Papa Waigo can create some reasons to have a little dance....

Slowly but surely we are getting towards 0. Still -6 though and 6 games, 0 wins.