Pre-Season Part 1 - Business Done Early

 

Let's Get To Work

Just a few weeks ago, Saints of course won the playoffs and planning for the new season started in earnest.  Playoffs instead of automatics meant we have less time than all the others as a result of us having three extra matches and so you need to hit the ground running to sort the squad out for what is already an almighty challenge…. But then The Euro’s happened and so it was all a bit slow.   The cogs have begun to turn however.

Summer business started with the recruitment of someone who we had been seen in the crowd on the big Wembley screens on that glorious day.  Sat next to Matt le Tissier in the crowd was one Adam Lallana and a few days later it turned out that not only was he there to support the boys and catch up with old friends, but he was there as a guest of the club because he was about to sign for us. At 36 years old, his best days are undoubtedly behind him but it’s an experienced head in a dressing room that is going to need them in the coming season.  There is the elephant in the room however, which is the fact that he didn’t exactly leave in the best of circumstances back in 2014. In 2014 he was in the England squad as Southampton captain and was out in Brazil in Roy Hodgson’s absolute clusterfuck World Cup campaign which saw us be the first team eliminated.   Roy had said he wanted no players conducting transfer business in Brazil but there was Adam, managing to get pictured signing a Liverpool shirt whilst still a Saints player and saying that he hoped he would be signing for them.  Not good PR that.

Lallana the Last Time He Played 90 Minutes

Upon his return, it appeared that he threw his toys out and refused to train before signing for the Scousers and being seen off with a two-line entry on the official Saints website.  If Twitter had been a big thing back then it would have had #FuckOff, #GoodRiddance and #Judas all over it. He tried to calm it all down by taking out a full-page advert in The Echo which just made him look #ThickAsMince.  The question for Saints fans is “how long do you want to hold a grudge for?“.  Speaking as someone who can hold a grudge with the best of them, even I can’t be arsed to get to ten years.  The bottom line is we’ve given a player a one-year deal and he is going to try to have a positive input, so I have no problem with him being here. He’s not going to be a 90-minute player because he never was, even when he was in his early 20s but we’re going to need everybody - fans and players pulling in the same direction so I see no point in being angry about him being here.  Other options are available of course.

Next up was the official unveiling of Taylor Harwood-Bellis as a Saints player once July 1st ticked around. This was of course revealed in the aftermath of the playoff final, as if we needed any more good news that day, and here he is, England’s future centre half and probable Southampton captain if we can hang onto him for long enough… and that will be the issue if he continues to develop as he should.

THB - About to Embark on the Mother of all Benders

Another playoff hero was Alex McCarthy who managed to earn himself another two-year contract with his very solid performances in the run in to promotion.  A prime example of how things can change very quickly in football and as things stand, he’ll be a first choice Premier League goalkeeper again in August unless we bring in someone else.

Russell Martin signed a new contract as well which was an unexpected bit of good news.  It was a surprise to me as I assume that his initial contract included a promotion bonus and a higher level of pay if wen went up.  What it does do however is say that Sport Republic trust him and want to back him and to me, it says that they are going to keep their nerve even if we do have a wobbly patch, which is undoubtedly going to happen.

More Free Taylor, Rather than Free Tella

The problem position of left back was then addressed with Charlie Taylor arriving from Burnley on a free transfer. Having spent seven years out of the last eight in the Premier League, he’s a player that certainly has the correct level of experience.  It’s not a signing to set the pulse racing but it is solid as we absolutely know that he can do it at this level and again brings Premier League experience that we don’t have much of. I would imagine, all things being equal, that he will be the starting left back or left wing back, with Ryan Manning as his back up.

Next up was Ronnie Edwards, a promising young centre half signed from Peterborough. He has been in the England Under-21 squad with THB and Saints have been interested in him for about two years but finally got the deal done for about £3 million quid which is almost a no-lose gamble.   Fans of other clubs are certainly seeing this as a good deal and an impressive piece of transfer business.  Time will tell of course.  I would anticipate Ronnie being a back up to start with, but he will certainly get minutes as the season goes on.  He has played at Championship level before but this is obviously going to be a massive step up for him.

Future's Bright

And here’s another centre back with Nathan Wood joining from Swansea.  Apparently, we offered £7 million this time last year, but Swansea didn’t want to do business with us after the Russell Martin compensations dick waving contest, that their board was involved in with ours.  So anyway, fast forward a year and we sign him for £3 million.  Maybe they think they’ll win the £2 million they are suing Russell for and maybe they think that £3 million plus £2 million equals £7 million.  They certainly taught us a lesson there.  Anyway, as with Ronnie Edwards – time will tell and like with Ronnie, I can see a back-up role at the start of the season.

It has been widely accepted that Kyle Walker-Peters is going to leave this summer as he enters the last year of his contract. A couple of clubs have been repeatedly linked with making a bid for him, namely West Ham and Spurs. As I write, nothing has happened but the have proactively moved in the transfer market to mitigate the risk of him going with the arrival of Yukinari Sugawara, a Japanese international right back who was plying his trade in the Eredivisie with AZ Alkmaar.  We’ve had some hits and misses out of the Dutch league in the past with Dusan Tadic and Graziano Pellè being in the hits column and Steve DeRidder being in the other. Sugawara’s stats in the Dutch league point towards an attacking right back who is going to be far more suited to playing as a wingback than a conventional right back in a four. Whilst it probably points towards us playing three at the back more often than not this season, it is also good to have a player in place before it became a mad panic and we ended up paying over the odds because teams knew we were desperate.  Yuki’s first interview revealed a charming, respectful, humble and funny individual who will become a massive fans favourite if he plays as well as he talks.

No Caption Necessary - This Just Made Me Smile

Remember me talking about West Ham just now?  Well, the media was full of talk of swap-deals with Flynn Downes and KWP, with a bit of Danny Ings thrown in.  We all know that swap deals are not a thing any more and  just a couple of days on from Russell Martin saying that he would cry himself to sleep if we didn’t sign Flynn Downes, we went out and gave Russell a good nights sleep by signing the aforementioned Flynn Downes from West Ham. With news having broken of us having agreed a fee of £18 million. I assumed that this was all going to go through in good time, so it was still a surprise to see him come running out down the catwalk a day later, at the 2024/25 Puma kit launch at St Mary’s. This one signing above all others, gives me a great sense of relief because we were basically a mid table Championship side whenever Downes didn’t play last season, so it would’ve left a massive expensive hole to fill if we didn’t sign him.  From Flynn‘s point of view, he was weighing up leaving the club he supports and being a bit-part player against being the first name of the team sheet at a Premier League club where he is absolutely loved by everyone connected with the club from manager to supporters.  Also, the signing means that we've signed the West Ham player and we still have KWP, with West Ham now rumoured to want Aaron Wan-Bissaka instead. 

Relief. Everywhere.

Outgoings are also going to play a major part in the summer rebuild and we had quite a few from the relegation season that were never going to play a part in the squad this time around and that needed to be addressed.  The first out was Romain Perraud, moving to Betis in Spain, which is a move that is testament to having a good agent.  He didn’t set the world alight in France last year so I did expect us to have a bit of a problem in moving him on but job done.  Romain just never fitted the system with Russell Martin so this was complete inevitable. He was always a player who tried his best in the relegation season, despite being inexplicably left out quite a few times.  I have a feeling that in ten years’ time, people will see a picture of him in a Saints shirt and struggle to remember who he was.

Perraud was one of the ‘loaned out’ army of players who either didn’t want to play in the Championship, or who Russell Martin thought weren’t good enough – which brings to Lyanco.  The chest-thumping nutjob with passion for days and his own emoji (which was dodgy when used in the wrong context) is off to Atletico Mineiro in his native Brazil.  He had the odd decent moment in a Saints shirt, in amongst a fair few liability moments, and his antics probably bought him more slack than they should have in the relegation season, given the amount of half-arsed shite that went on around him.  He seemed to genuinely care and you can’t help but want him to do well. Duje Caleta-Car moved on to Lyon and in contrast, no one really gives a shit.

I Still Think Duje Should Have Just Lamped The Twat

Another of the loaned out was Mateuz Lis, the goalkeeper who we signed purely to loan out it seems.  Having spent last season starring for Goztepe, he’s now back and training with the first team. Does he have a future here?  I doubt it but it would certainly be a turn up.

There is unquestionably still a lot to do.  For example, Wee Man is still a Newcastle player.  Che Adams has left the club officially and is currently unemployed, same as he was whilst doing shuttle runs up front for Scotland in the Euros.  The futures of Charly Alcaraz and Armel Bella-Kotchap are still unresolved, with various rumours of varying likelihood being punted about on the bag of shit that is the internet during the transfer window.  Alcaraz to Spurs and Newcastle, ABK to anywhere but Southampton.  What’s happening with Sulemana?  What’s happening with Mara?

Finally, we have the enigma that is Tall Paul.  A roaring success at Trabzonspor but they don't want to pay any money for him.  The usual shithousing tactics are coming out - their board 'demanding' we accept their piss-take offer, stuff in the media that Paul will only accept Trabzonspor.  Fucking do one you clowns.  He's worth £10 million of anyone's money and to be honest, I'd rather keep him or sell to almost anyone else.

Roy Weighs In on the Tall Paul Saga

For me, with five defenders being signed already, it’s the expensive end of the pitch that needs the work now.  A striker to replace Adams, preferably a physical one and then the midfield.  Even having signed Downes, we probably need one more in midfield as well with both Stuart Armstrong and Joe Rothwell departing from last seasons squad and only Lallana arriving so far. I like the sound of Matt O’Riley from Celtic but the buzz around that one seems to have calmed down and he’s being linked with everyone. Then of course, there is the keeper situation – yes, Macca is here for a year but you assume we’d need one more.  Where does Mateuz Lis fit in and why do these Aaron Ramsdale on loan rumours not disappear.  As it stands, KWP and Jan Bednarek are still here – but be be prepared to be reading that they have agreed contracts with lots of clubs without a fee being agreed with Saints yet.  Love the click-bait.

Overall I think we’ve made a solid start to the summer.  Not a lot of money has been spent in bringing in the likes of Lallana, Edwards, Wood, Taylor and Sugawara to compliment the relatively big money buys of THB and Downes.  Also, all of this business has been done before the first friendly.  There is more money needing to be spent at the top end however as anyone can see.  Currently, we have just two senior strikers – Adam Armstrong who failed to fire in two seasons of Premier League football and Ross Stewart who has failed to stand up for nearly two seasons.  Hopefully they both prove that they can hack it this season but either way, you can’t go into a season with just two strikers.  I am sure that it is going to take time.

Just under a month until the trip to St James’ Park.  That will fly by.

NPC Match 44 - Peterborough 1 Southampton 3

Moose with his fans

Following a weekend of results which could only be described as horrific (aside from Spurs and ‘Arry getting dicked), the mighty SFC were away at Peterborough in one of those fixture that you want at this stage of the season if you are chasing something.  They aren’t going down and they’re in poor form so it’s as good as it gets from that point of view.  On the other side of the coin is the fact that they are a decent attacking side who never seem to know when they are beaten, especially at home and we all remember the 4-4 draw there last year.  A lot of that was down to Craig Mackail-Smith who then made the curious decision to further his career at Brighton.

A sub-plot to today was of course the meeting of Posh manager Fergie-Lite and Bald Psycho (as long as he was in the team).  Since Fergie-Lite flogged him to us for £50 grand, he’s played against him twice and scored twice and it’s all been a bit fractious.  Could Fergie-Lite raise his team for a decent performance tonight or would they already be on the beach?  We can’t ignore the other games going on tonight either with Reading at home to Forest (home win banker) and the Fat Sam Total Football Academy visiting 4th bottom Bristol City (likely away win).

There was some speculation before the game that Morgan Schneiderlin was fit again but Nigel made all the speculating about any changes completely pointless by going for the same team and the same bench.  I think we should have had Jaidi and Seaborne on the bench as well as Richardson, Martin and Harding as you can’t be too careful and one of the things I’d like to see before I die is Radhi the Train playing up front.  One Posh player I remember well from previous encounters is George Boyd who always seems to be at the heart of everything they do, along with Grant McCann who I’m pleased to see, is only a sub.

Me, Dave Merrington, can of lager, let’s go to work.

Saints come flying out of the traps, looking like a side that means business and a side that’s in the business of putting the Reading defeat behind them. After five minutes we win a corner on the right which means that it’s time for The Fox.  Danny boy swings over the kick, Peterborough seem to have no one who fancies it until Jones the keeper decides he’d better make an effort.  Too late though and in steams Big Jos who has totally lost his marker, to head it down and in for his 7th goal of the season and 1-0.  I didn’t knock my can over but a fairly decent sized slop of lager came out of the top.

Immediately, Saints are back on the attack again and it takes another 3-ish minutes for things to get even better as Lallana goes down the left, doesn’t go down when he easily could have done and crosses, Chappers cushions it into the middle to where Billy Sharp control and fires into the corner of the net to make it 2-0 after a whole 10 minutes and I've got lager coming out of my nose.  There is lots of shouting going on and the 3,500 Saints fans in the ground sound magnificent.  It’s nearly 3-0 a minutes later as Adam gets in a shot which forces a decent save from Jones who must be wondering what the fuck is going on in front of him.

Posh begin to get a foothold of sorts and have their first period of pressure which ends in Barnett getting in a header that in all truth was a bit soft and it plopped off the turf to present Superkelv with an easy save.  News comes filtering through that Fat Sam will be munching on a celebratory pie as West Ham are one up at Ashton Gate but before the news and the pie can be digested, it turns out that Bristol City have equalized.  How does that one taste Sam, probably like a healthy salad.

In the main it’s all Saints and we have a couple of near things as Billy gets free and hits the post, not knowing that the flag was up already.  Chappers then chased down Zakuani who fannied about with it and allowed Chappers to nick the ball and Zakuani clearly clipped his heel.  Lets put it this way – it was more of a penalty than either of the recent Ashley Young efforts which were given for the Dad of one of today’s managers.  The ref however, was not intimidated by the 3500 Saints fans out of 9500 in the ground and didn’t give it.

Peterborough then manage to be assertive and decisive for the first time as Rowe ducks into a header and Brisley tries to kick his head off of his shoulders by wellying him in the face.  The stoppage while Rowe has his features put back together is the final incident of what had been an extremely good first half.

Half time of Bristol City are still drawing with Fat Sam and Reading are 0-0 with Forest and Forest are having the better of it.  We all know that having the better of it against Reading means bugger all and they’ll still beat you. For some reason, that game only kicked off at 8pm so it’s not half time there yet.  So far, so good.  Dave says that Saints don’t want to let Peterborough back in it and we don’t want to give them any encouragement and we definitely don’t want to concede a goal.  No shit.  I bet his team talks were brilliant when he was the manager

The first 10 minutes of the second half are quite even with Posh making a decent fist of it without threatening and us being content to not over-commit.   If it wasn’t over already then the game was finished on the hour mark as Sir Rickie found himself on the right of the penalty are and laid the ball into Adam on the penalty spot who flicked it off first time to Billy Sharp who did what Billy Sharp does and put it in the net.  3-0 and get the fuck in!!!  This goal is all about the touch from Lallana though – superb technique and vision, a bit like Paul Wotton only better.

Just after the hour mark one of our defenders is summoned from the bench as Aaron Martin comes on for Big Jos who took a bit of a knock when he scored and now fancies a rest.  Having used one, it’s a bloody good job that we have two other defenders on the bench to provide the impact that we’ll need at 3-0 up.

Saints are still flying and looking for a fourth goal as Sir Rickie again shows what a good footballer he is by superbly timing a ball to Chappers, whose low shot was just about kept out by Jones though in truth here, Chappers should have not given Jones a prayer.  Jones  is in the firing line again 5 minutes later as Dean “he hasn’t scored since the first game of the season” Hammond has a dig from the edge of the box which flies just wide with the keeper motionless.

There are 10 minutes to go and Posh are having a go at getting a consolation and Superkelv is having none of it as he denies both Rowe and then Taylor with decent saves. After some great Posh passing.  He’s powerless to prevent Rowe scoring with 5 minutes to go though as a corner comes in and his headed at goal by Zakuani, who has managed to lose Aaron Martin.  Chappers kicks it off the line but Rowe bundles the rebound into the net for 3-1.  A quick look at the watch makes me realise that I’m not that bothered.  All that’s left is for Billy Sharp to feature in a standing ovation/time wasting substitution as he’s replaced with Guly who gets the ball and runs at them.  He should pass it but he's only playing for five minutes in the pissing rain, having travelled all the way up there so who can blame him for having a shot... which goes wide.

Full time and what a result – all we need now is for Bristol City to hang on….. and they did – how do like Weightwatchers Fat Sam?..  Just the one point in today’s meal.  At the point when the Fat Sam result was confirmed, Reading were still 0-0 with Forest with 10 minutes to go.  Beautiful…. and so with two games to go we are five points ahead of West Ham with a five better goal difference which means that whatever happens, we will go into the final game of the season at home against (almost certainly relegated) Coventry, with an advantage.  

It was too much to hope for that Reading would drop points and true to form, they did what they always do and found a way to win and banged in a late goal to win 1-0 and secure their promotion and maintain the 3 point lead over ourselves.  Congratulations to them and especially to Brian McDermott – they deserve to go up and if they win the Championship, they deserve that too.  They have new wealthy Russian owners waiting in the wings as well which on the face of it is great for them but I’m sure there will be an element of wariness amongst the fans.   At the same time, I can’t believe that John Madejski would pass control of 20 years of his life to anyone dodgy and I wish them well.

After the game, Nigel legendarily called the Peterborough goal “spawny” which is a word I don’t think I’ve ever heard any manager use before and then spoke of still wanting to win the Championship which I guess is a device to stop the players worrying about being caught and to look up instead of down.   If we get to the point that we have secured promotion, then I will worry about winning the league and not before – come the start of next season though, no one will give a toss if we won it or not as long as we go up and as I explained to a Skate fan on Twitter, no one will give a shite if they finish bottom, 2nd bottom or 3rd bottom.  

At risk of sounding like another Saints blog, I will say “I told you so” as Nigel explained that Billy Sharp will get better as he gets fitter and gets used to the Southampton way of doing things which is roughly what I said last week which proves conclusively that Nigel Adkins definitely reads this blog (ha ha).   Billy himself is a plain speaking blunt Northerner kind of chap and didn’t rate his own performance very highly aside from being delighted with his goals while the legend that is Merrington was waxing lyrical about this being his best Saints performance so far.

So, it’s all good, especially when you read the views of the bitter West Ham Press Association (a.k.a that Moose twat on talkSHITE), banging on about Peterborough rolling over without a hint of irony after Brighton lost 6-0 at their place three days ago.  Three days ago I was worried that we were on course for a bit of an implosion and it becoming very difficult to get over the line but the world today is a much better place.

After the weekends matches we needed 7 points and now its….

2 games left, 2 points needed.

NPC Match 15 - Southampton 2 Peterborough 1

They're Back... the Twats!

Fergie Lite is in town tonight with his Peterborough side who arrive at SMS, just a few places off of the playoff positions, having had a decent start to the season. They had an excellent attacking side last year but one of the players who was a pain for us was Craig Mackail-Smith who has moved on to Brighton. Little fat Lee Tomlin who converted the last minute penalty against us in the 4-4 draw last year is missing through suspension, leaving only George Boyd from last year’s strike force. Peterborough are the sort of side I would usually want to do well but then there’s their manager who talked such complete bollocks after the 4-4 game that it’s hard to look past that.


One thing for sure is that he doesn’t like Chappers who I reckon is due a goal tonight. Saints have been taking plaudits since the Middlesbrough demolition but there is no point in beating Middlesbrough and West Ham and the like if you’re not going to produce in the games you really should win, like this one.

Nigel made three changes from Saturday with Fox, Cork and Butters rested with Dan Harding, Morgan Schneiderlin and Frazer Richardson coming in. We had a shambolic minutes silence for All Saints Day as when the ref blew the whistle to start it, a lot of people thought it was the end and started to applaud, so it became a minutes applause which tests your clapping stamina and gives you Repetitive Strain Injury.

We and Chappers started where we left off against Middlesbrough as Bald Psycho won a corner following a determined run and from Harding’s delivery, Jose Fonte headed wide. Peterborough looked right at it for the first 10 minutes with Boyd in midfield pulling the strings. We on the other hand looked a bit disjointed but it all turned round on the quarter hour as Frazer fed a ball into the Gulyman from the right wing and the Brazilian maestro laid it off first time for the onrushing Chappers to sidefoot past Paul Jones (not that Paul Jones) from 6 yards whilst everyone wondered if it was offside. Chappers celebrated in fine fashion and it could only have been better if he’d done it right in front of the Peterborough dug out.

The fog was immediately lifted and Saints went for the throat and tightened the grip two minutes later after a foul on the Gulyman. Sir Rickie once more shaped to hammer it before playing it into Lallana who turned it first time to the Gulyman who scuffed it across goal to where big Jos was waiting. Always deadly from 3 yards with an open goal, he duly converted to make it 2-0 and floodgates, please.

Peterborough responded through Frecklington aiming a two footed tackle at the Gulyman which earned him a yellow card when on another day with another ref, could have been a straight red. Saints were pummelling them now with Sir Rickie nearly making it 3-0 with a right footed blast from the left which Jones shoved round the far post.

One definition of madness is to do the same thing over again and to expect a different result. Well, Frecklington tested that theory with a two footed tackle on Schneiderlin which wasn’t quite as bad as the first one but a yellow card was inevitable and off he went, idiot.

Possibly rattled by sending someone off, there was then some very strange refereeing when Morgan got fouled and the free kick was clearly given to Peterborough as indicated by the ref pointing in their direction. Whilst I was moaning at the crap decision, Deano took the free kick quickly and then the ref indicated ‘play on’. I can only assume that he meant to give the decision to us in the first place and just pointed the wrong way.

Peterborough retreated in a effort to get to half time without conceding again and sadly, our passing was not great and not quick enough. We were doing a lot of sideways and backwards and for the first time in a while, there was some aimless punting forwards, especially from the full backs where Harding and Richardson were competing for the ‘dodgy performance’ award. Dan seemed reluctant to move into the space in front of him and Frazer seemed to be playing a game whereby he got to where the ball was a second ago. Morgan was trying to hit Hollywood balls from just in front of the defenders and Lallana and Chappers watched a few balls fly harmlessly over their heads and out for throw-ins. Adam’s efforts to have an impact on the match were being impeded by wearing roller skates instead of football boots and each twisting and turning manoeuvre was usually ended by him falling over.

Half time and it’s time for some more child torture as irritating bald bloke tries to get a 9 year old to hit the cross bar from 20 yards when he can only actually kick the ball about half of that. Confounding my scepticism, some kid managed to do it though he does look a little bit older. As we line up for the start of the second half, Steve de Ridder is on for the Gulyman and we’ve gone 4-5-1 with Chappers infield and de Ridder and Lallana on the wings.

There seems to be a bit of an assumption that the game is done at this point as Saints pass it amongst themselves and Peterborough employ the 4-5-0 formation and no matter how hard we try, they are not coming to get the ball. The Northam amuse themselves by chanting “Steeeeeeeeeeve” every time the ball goes near de Ridder and this is quickly extended to other players. It’s funny for a bit but in the end it adds to the “taking the piss” atmosphere that has descended onto the proceedings.

We manage to get the ball in the net as Sir Rickie bundles in a Lallana cross but there is a foul on the keeper. Again, the ref didn’t really signal it clearly and I thought for a bit, that he was pointing to the centre spot having given the goal. Both full backs were pushing into the spaces now and we were pressurising well when we didn’t have the ball resulting in de Ridder nicking the ball off of their left back and eventually setting up Sir Rickie with a sitter. He hit it and we waited for the net to bulge but it hit the foot of the keeper who had dived the wrong way and pinged off to safety.

And then it started....”Why deeee do daaaaaaaat ?”, “Dere winning everyfiiiiiiing”. Oh yes, the Chuckle Brothers were back. Half an hour without a goal and they’re back. I imagine it’s what it’s like when you are told by a doctor that the horrible disease that you had has returned. You know, you had the disease and you got rid of it, all the open running sores had gone and you’d just got to the stage when you thought it had gone forever and you had the odd moment when it didn’t even cross your mind anymore. Another sub with Connolly on for Lallana and the moronic totally unfunny one pipes up with “It’s David Noccolly, Noccally is coming on”. I have one of those woolly hats on and I’ve pulled it over my ears and eyes and am counting to 10. I’m in my quiet place where it is calm. It works which is just as well as the alternative is to turn round and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We have another chance when de Ridder sends a volley flying just wide and then Peterborough got into our half with their one forward taking on Big Jos for pace. He may be a big unit but he looks quite quick when he gets going and the perfectly timed man-and-ball sliding tackle at the end completed the job nicely.  Big Jos does his job again with quarter of an hour to go and heads the ball clear only to find our midfielders absent and Boyd picks it up and has time to weight a decent pass through for Sinclair to run onto and score easily. Ooh, bugger, 2-1.

Chappers tees up de Ridder for a well shit volley which flies just wide before Jack Cork is summoned from the bench to replace Chappers who is taken off so Fergie Lite can give him a standing ovation. Corky starts well on the left, calmly keeping hold of the ball and manages to break forward to get on the end of a de Ridder pass and smash in a fierce goalbound shot which hits a defender and flies over the bar. All is calm as we mess about in the corner for a bit and play out the 4 additional minutes with no real alarm.

Though we struggled a bit to get over the line in this game, it’s ended up being a brilliant evening as West Ham drew 0-0 at home with Bristol City, meaning that we’re 5 points clear again. At a guess, Britol City had a centre back that headed away all the hoofs upfield. No matter how poorly we played, I bet West Ham would have taken a scrappy 2-1 win. We had a few too many poorish individual performances tonight but I think the sending off changed the game in a negative way for us in that we’d have won by more if they’d had 11. With 11 men and 2-0 down they’d have come forward to try and get back in it and left a load of space – as it was they played 4-5-0 and we couldn’t play through them. It reminded me of those shocking matches we played at home in League 1 when Pardew was manager where teams would come for a 0-0 and we would cluelessly fail to break them down. Anyhow, can’t be greedy...

Peterborough for their part did well after the idiot got sent off and I think that Fergie Lite’s approach was the right one as it would have done no one any good to have got humped 6-0 or something. They didn’t really deserve their goal but when it came, it made it more interesting and it did open my ears to the savage amount of moaning, just itching to be let out by my fellow Kingslanders. Fergie Lite praised us for being top of the league and then ruined it by saying that we tried to get his player sent off. Listen pal, you wanna be mad with someone, try Frecklington who could have got a straight red for the first tackle then managed to do the same again having been booked. He deserved to go, end of. Shut up you knob.

We have one more game before the international break and it’s a decent opportunity to show that we can win away from home when we take on Coventry at the Ricoh Arena. It’s the start of a run of 4 away games against teams in the bottom 6 with Bristol City, Doncaster and of course, our friendly rivals The Skates (where I know that the form book could potentially go right out the window). For the Cov match I expect to see Corky and Danny Fox restored to starting duties and hopefully Adam Lallana will have the right studs in his boots. As my Dad used to say to me 30 years ago... you can’t play football when you’re on your arse.

League 1 Match 27 - Peterborough 4 Southampton 4

" One day my son, you'll be a miserable fucker as well"

Peterborough away in what should be a goal-fest. They score loads and they also let in loads, as displayed by their 5-3 win against Sheffield Wednesday in the week. We of course, travel in a bus and maybe we’ll park it and play out a 0-0 but somehow I doubt it. Peterborough are of course, managed by Darren Ferguson, son of Sir Alex whose last act as Preston manager before he got sacked for being shite, was to fall out with Richard Chaplow and sell him to us for next to nothing. Cheers. Maybe he’ll fall out with Craig Mackail-Smith and Joe Lewis and sell us those for £100,000 the pair.

To the teams and Saints have made a change with Seaborne coming in for Jaidi, one would hope to use his extra pace against the fast and direct Boyd and Mackail-Smith, the latter of which, Saints made an enquiry for in the transfer window. Back in the fold was Dean Hammond who replaced Schneiderlin who picked up a knock in training and despite being our best player against Exeter, Dany N’Guessan found himself on the bench with the Gulyman returning. The only other changes were on the bench where Jonathan Forte appeared for the first time. I am armed with Dave Merrington and a laptop with a very dodgy live stream of the Sky ‘Tuck this in for me Charlotte’ Sports feed.

Peterborough immediately set about showing why they score so many goals as Boyd fastened onto a ball in the inside left channel and bore down on goal. His shot was decent but Davis got down to parry it away with a strong arm. The tone of the game (you attack then we attack) was set when Saints burst forward and Chamberlain attempted to chip the keeper from a difficult angle and it dropped narrowly wide of the far post.

A temporary let off for Posh though as Sir Rickie nodded down a Davis clearance to Barnard on the edge of the box who was allowed by his marker to turn and shoot. Lewis pulled off a decent save and the ball dropped in between 4 Peterborough defenders who all kind of stood there as if waiting for something (a bus perhaps) and that something was Chaplow who nipped in a put the rebound in the net for 1-0 and how I expect Fergie Jnr enjoyed that.

Saints were flying now and nearly went 2-0 up straight away as Fonte put Sir Rickie through but the ball sat up a bit and Lewis threw up an arm to beat away his shot. However, it all took a turn for the better when Chamberlain picked up the ball on the left wing and set off. In seconds he was one v one against Little at full back and there was only one winner as Chambo sped past him and Little dived in, getting nowhere near the ball and clobbered him. Penalty and up steps Sir Rickie to fire low to Lewis’s right for 2-0.

Saints really needed to hold the lead until half time but that plan all went to shit when a ball over the top found Craig Mackail-Smith sprinting onto it and Seaborne misjudging the flight and then running through treacle… so much for the extra pace. From the left hand edge of the penalty area, CMS bobbled it left footed but in another appalling bit of goalkeeping, Davis managed to allow it to bounce under his arm and in at the near post. Shocking defending, shocking goalkeeping, shocking, shocking, shit and bollocks.

Worse was to follow a few minutes later as a straight forward cross from the left wing dropped in the box and Whelpdale came in off the right wing, nipped in front of the clearly dozing Harding and planted a free header into the net past Davis who at least, in my opinion, was not at fault for this one. I guess you could argue that he could have come and punched it but that’s a bit harsh. So, two nil and you fucked it up, as the song goes. Half time.

We make our traditional fast start to the second half by kicking off and working the ball back to Dan Seaborne who has the difficult job of hoofing it up the pitch which he makes a balls of and so, 15 seconds after we’ve kick off, CMS has smashed a shot narrowly over our cross bar. Good effort lads. All forgotten three minutes later as Sir Rickie sends Chaplow galloping clear and into the box. As he cuts inside Kennedy, the left back sticks his arm out and Chappers feels the contact and crashes to the ground. It’s either going to be a second yellow for having a dive or a penalty and luckily, dubiously, it’s the latter. Sir Rickie shows the watching world how to take a penalty by smashing seven bells out of it, giving Lewis not an earthly.

Five minutes later and we’re in dreamland again with our two goal lead back as Chamberlain catches Peterborough out by sliding in a corner along to ground to where Hammond has made a late run. Easy so far but Deano meets it and sidefoots a superb shot into the far top corner, over the top of the little shortarse defender on the line. As he runs behind the goal to celebrate, there’s a brief re-enactment of the Channon windmill celebration. Nice.

It’s immediately obvious that Peterborough are not going to lie down and back they come attacking the left edge of the penalty area where Langley jinks into the box and Desperate Dan Seaborne tries to pull out of the tackle but leaves a leg in there which Langley falls over. Clumsy donkey, penalty. Seaborne puts on a straw hat and brays at the referee with a loud “Eee-awwww” but no matter, McCann, bang 4-3... half an hour left still.

That half an hour was an edgy affair which Saints managed very badly by continually giving the ball away. We had a couple of efforts with Butterfield hammering a left foot shot just wide from 30 yards and Sir Rickie just running out of steam and failing to get the shot away when put through by Chaplow’s flick. In the main though it was all Peterborough with Boyd forcing Davis into a decent save after the winger had turned Harding inside out and McCann putting one free kick narrowly over. We brought on Richardson for the Gulyman and then Forte for Barnard but neither had any positive effect. Ryan Dickson was also brought on for Harding as Dan was trying his best to get himself sent off.

Under pressure and clinging on desperately in the 91st minute, Deano launched someone over on the left hand side and the resulting free kick caused chaos. It got half cleared about 3 times before someone hammered in a shot that was going wide and Chambo jumped, with his arm raised and blocked it. Many views of the replay are inconclusive as to whether it hit his arm or somewhere around the armpit but the ref of course, had to give it and we can’t really have any complaints. With McCann having been subbed, up stepped Tomlin to send Davis the wrong way to make it 4-4. The only surprise was that the remaining 2 minutes didn’t produce a winner.

The post match interviews were dominated by Darren Ferguson. If he were a bottle of Coke, he’d be called Fergie Lite but after his interview, we’ll call him Fergie Zero. Of the four penalties given he basically said that their two were nailed on and ours were ‘nonsense’. For starters – is there anyone in the world who thinks the foul on Chambo wasn’t a pen? He called Chaplow a diver over the 2nd penalty and I’ll agree with him to a degree in that Chappers felt the contact and fell over but then on their first one you could argue that Seaborne pulled out of the tackle and the guy fell over him. What’s the difference? Did their second pen hit Chambo on the arm or in the armpit? I can 100% see why the ref gave it but it’s not clear cut and saying they were unlucky not to win is just crap. Getting awarded a dodgyish pen in the 92nd minute to equalize in a game that you were never leading makes you a bit lucky really, you bell end.

I never really had an opinion of Fergie Zero before today but what a cock that bloke is. He’s in the game because of who his dad is, was never a decent player and time will tell if he’s any good as a manager. His team fly forward and try and outscore the opposition and it’s a great attitude and great to watch but a lot of this is down to the recently departed Gary Johnson, not Fergie Zero. Preston are the team he moulded this season and he got them in such a mess in the Championship that they had to fire him to give them a chance of staying up. This is similar to his last stint as Posh manager when they fired him when they were, you guessed it, bottom of the Championship. Also, he obviously let his dislike of Chaplow carry on into this game even though they are both with different clubs now. Idiot. For his part, Nigel eased up on the bus analogies and expressed his frustration at the result – no mention of dodgy penalties or calling opposition players cheats. One respectful manager and one miserable fucker.

It was a great game but Saints really missed a trick in the last half an hour or so. Unlike most teams, Peterborough were always going to keep flying forward and they have some real quality up there with CMS and Boyd so really, attack was our best form of defence. Bringing on Richardson was a mistake in hindsight and maybe N’Guessan or Forte could have been brought on in midfield to give us pace on both wings. The Richardson substitution just invited them onto us and gave us less of a goal threat. Having said that we could have done with a bit of ball retention in the centre of midfield and we had no real options there with Schneiderlin being injured. It’s disappointing coughing up a two goal lead twice but I’d have taken a draw beforehand. It’s annoying though.... of yeah and here’s hoping we go back and sign Craig Mackail-Smith in the summer. He’s an excellent player and gave Fonte his hardest game of the season.

For us, on the positive side, Alex Chamberlain looked lively for an hour and Sir Rickie has now scored 4 in the last 2 matches. On the negative- Danny Seaborne was a nightmare, an utter stinking nightmare. Totally done for pace and positioning on the first goal and a clumsy challenge to give Peterborough their first penalty. In addition to this he scuffed loads of clearances and looked petrified throughout every time Mackail-Smith in particular, came near him. I feel it’s high time to promote Aaron Martin above him in the pecking order. Also of course, playing a massive part in the first goal was Kelvin Davis who got his positioning all wrong and was beaten by a near post bobbler that a park goalkeeper would have been disappointed to let in. Sadly, his mistakes are getting more frequent though to his credit – he did pull off a few saves today.

In other results, Brighton and Huddersfield won and Bournemouth drew so not catastrophic. Looking ahead – we have 7 winnable fixtures in a row now before we take on the Moaning Dorset Bastards in deepest Dorestshire. These next 7 games need to give us at least 5 wins and then we’ll see where we are.... next up, Carlisle at home.

League 1 Match 17 - Southampton 4 Peterborough 1

Saints spank Posh on the Arse

Today is the 125th anniversary of the Saints being formed and it’s the 42nd anniversary of me being born. My age is relevant as I find it quite worrying that I can clearly remember Saints 100th anniversary game versus Everton at home – we were shite and lost 2-0.

News of the week was Jason Puncheon going out on loan to Millwall, becoming part of that curious phenomenon where a player is deemed not good enough for us in League 1 but good enough for a Championship side (Joseph Mills, Simon Gillett, Wayne Thomas). On the face of it, it’s a bit odd to loan out a player who has started all bar 3 of the games this season but I’m not too disappointed to be honest as this season, he has produced nothing of note and has proven time and again to have no brain whatsoever. His record of having 7 clubs by 23 years old is a bit of a worry as well.

The team showed a couple of changes and I’m pleased to say that for once, I called them right. Barnard came in for Schneiderlin and we reverted to 4-4-2 with Ryan Dickson coming in after the ‘Dan Harding Comedy Hour’ from last week. Mysteriously, Dan Seaborne didn’t even make the bench so his reward for proving he’s not shite is to be left out altogether. Could be injured of course but that didn’t stop Holmes and Connolly making the bench. In the pre-match warm up, the two of them were acclimatising by taking turns lying on a stretcher, waving to the crowd.

All the matches seem to start the same way with Saints on the offensive and not scoring. Alex Chamberlain flew past the full back in exactly the way that Punch doesn’t and crossed on the run straight to a Saints player in exactly the way that Punch doesn’t. Lallana’s volley at the near post was well blocked by the highly rated Lewis in the Posh goal. I say highly rated as he’s in the England set up and has been in the full squad alongside goalkeeping greats such as Ben Foster and Rob Green and oh dear.

For the next ten minutes it’s like the Alamo but still no goals as Barnard has a shot hooked off the line and Fonte climbs well to direct a header straight at the highly Rated one. It’s Sir Rickie time from a free kick but for the 12th time in a row, he clears the wall, the keeper doesn't move and it flicks the side netting and we all go ‘oooooooh’. A quick look up sees Craig Mackail-Smith easily brush Fonte off and head through on goal – piss off – he tries to bend one high into the corner but Superkelv to the rescue and we have been spared conceding a goal from their first foray into our half.

Sir Rickie is causing my friends the Chuckle Brothers to have a moan up at him when right on cue, he controls and slides a ball to Barnard who has a lot to do but from the right hand side of the edge of the area, smashes a shot into the top corner and the Highly Rated one can only wave it goodbye. Time for some floodgates I feel but not before half time and we go in 1-0 up.

At half time there is a parade around the edge of the pitch by all the groups that Saints support in the community. I did wonder at one point if it was going to be over by the time the 150th anniversary came round but it was nice to see so many more people than you get in Fratton Park on an average Saturday afternoon.

Another fast start to the proceedings and within five minutes the game is over. Firstly, Ryan Dickson hit what looked like a shit cross but time stood still as Jose Fonte outjumped the defender and is downward header kind of apologised its way into the net. Strange goal but there was nothing strange about the next goal other than that it was a product of our central midfield as Deano found himself gallivanting down the right wing before hitting a lovely cross to where Chaplow arrived to crash it left footed into the net. 3-0 and having it large. Great goal.

Barnard was immediately substituted as his long term injury that wasn't caused in a nightclub was giving him grief on on came the Gulyman to try and prove he could play in the cold. It also gave the fucking moron Chuckle Brother another uninvited opportunity to tell us how to pronounce his name. Fuck off. Unfortuntely for Guly though, the game was won and so we had 20 minutes of nondescript crap, only punctuated by Radhi Jaidi proving there is a world of difference between a clearance header (of which he is the master) and heading at goal (at which he is nothing short of diabolical). The game needed something to wake it up again and for this reason alone, we should be grateful that Aaron McLean ran through, held off a piss weak challenge from Fonte and fired in for 3-1.

The unlikely catalyst for us waking up was Lee Holmes who came on for Chamberlain and embarked a game to see how many clear chances he could set The Gulyman up with in the twenty minutes that remained. Playing on the wrong side (the right), he immediately crushed my assertion that he had no right foot by perfectly picking out Guly with a cross which he headed well but the Highly Rated one justified his billing with a great save. Highly Rated or not – he wasn't going to save the next Holmes-Guly effort as he curled in a free kick which Guly flicked goalwards, down and in for 4-1 and game over, again. The Chuckle Brother with the Guly obsession decides to give it the big Brazilian ‘Goooooooooooooooooal’ celebration which is actually really annoying as he only wants people to look at him. I don’t and nor do those in my row. Listen carefully to the match commentary and you may be able to hear ten people saying ‘wanker’.

It really should have been five a couple of minutes later as Holmes slid through a lovely ball to put Guly one v one against the keeper. Obviously put off by the reputation heading towards him, Guly shat himself and rolled it wide. Crap but it didn’t matter. So, three key passes to create chances by Lee Holmes or rather, three more key passes than Punch has managed all season.

4-1 and it could have been 10. Easy and very well played. Nigel Adkins is a happy bunny after the game and so are the SMS faithful – even the Chuckle Brother Moaning Twat who sits behind me. In his post match interview, Nigel hints at signings in January and gives unconditional approval to Nicola Cortese which is good to hear. Of course, he can’t say otherwise if he values his friends and family but it’s good to hear nonetheless.

The guys that came into the side today all had good games. Ryan Dickson adds pace and thrust that Harding doesn’t and despite giving the ball away a couple of times, played well enough to get a run in the side and of course, he put over the cross for Jose’s goal, even though I suspect it’s not the best cross he’ll ever hit. Lee Holmes had obviously been listening when Nigel was delivering his ‘Impact’ lecture to the class and he was excellent when he came on, setting up one goal and playing The Gulyman clean through for his nightmare moment. It’s worth remembering that Holmes would not have been on the bench if Punch hadn’t have moved on, proving that you can motivate someone by clearing players out, rather than just being obsessed by bringing players in. Just stay fit for a bit Lee.

Bets part of the performance for me was watching how Hammond and Chaplow played together in central midfield. There’s a better combination in there now with Hammond defending and keeping it simple and Chaplow bombing forward. This is in direct contrast to the Hammond-Schneiderlin combination where Scheneiderlin stayed back and Hammond went forward – neither with much ability to do these jobs.

Next up we have Brighton at home who are still top of the league but are just starting to wobble a little bit. It could be a good time to play them as we’ve won 6 on the bounce at home but I remember looking forward to the game against them last year when we got completely outplayed and stuffed by a far better side. As I work in Brighton, I am looking forward to leaving at 5pm and fighting my way along the A27. I have a feeling that I may be late.

You know on the news when they have the ‘And finally...’ item and it’s always something vaguely amusing. Well.... and finally, having gone 17 games without a goal for Saints due to scuffing it along the ground or lashing it into the crowd, Jason Puncheon today scored in his very first game for Millwall. When presented with a near open goal from about 8 yards, he bobbled a left footed scuffer into the net. When interviewed after the game, Punch said that it was nice to play for a manager who wanted him. I think that tells us all we need to know – loses his place for three games after being shite for ages and throws his toys out. Two million please Millwall – he scores every game, honest and Jason, don’t let the door hit your arse.