World Cup Part 10 - The Brazilian Way

She's bored... but who cares

FRIDAY 25th JUNE

Brazil v Portugal was supposed to be the match of the tournament – well it certainly was the most attractive looking fixture in the groups. Trouble is that neither team needed to win and neither team seemed too bothered about winning. In short – it was shit and like a training game. Brazil nearly fluked it in the last minute when a hopelessly off target shot was nearly deflected over the keeper but this would have been an accident. Talking point of the game was when Brazil’s Juan blatantly handled, denying Ronaldo a run on goal. There’s only one decision available to the ref at this point and it’s a red card… but he bottled it and went for yellow so I hope it’s his last game. A sending off at that point may have made it interesting but as it was…. Boredom and apathy. Brazil had rested a couple and the players who came in looked very very ordinary… Julio Baptista… he was average years ago when he played for Arsenal. On the sideline, Dunga was doing his nut and Carlos Queiroz was standing there, smug personified. I don't like him and this comes from the year he spent doing Sir Alex's post match interviews for him.

There were some losers as a result of the bore draw, other than the fans who’d paid to watch. They were the Ivory Coast who needed a Brazil win and a goal avalanche against North Korea to get them thorough. They won 3-0 but it didn’t matter, though there was a fantastic piece and control and shot from Drogba which led directly to the 2nd goal.

The last group to be finished saw Spain v Chile and Switzerland v Honduras. Despite havnig won their opening two games, Chile were vulnerable as if they lost, Switzerland only needed to beat Honduras by two goals. Spain had to win to make sure of progressing and they got a decent start on 25 minutes when the keeper came out and tackled Torres on the edge of the box and the clearance fell straight to David Villa who thumped it back first time into the empty net from 40 yards. Pardon my ignorance but why does David Villa have 'DAVID VILLA' on the back of his shirt and not just 'VILLA' ? Anyhow, 2-0 quarter of an hour later as Inesta passed in a lovely shot rom the edge of the box. In the build up to this goal, Torres had been tripped off the ball by a Chilean defender who had already been booked so 2-0 and 10 men. Chile got one back after half time when Millar's shot was deflected by Pique but around the hour mark, with the other game still being 0-0, everyone seemed to settle for a 2-1 win for Spain and it all went to shit and keep ball broke out. Spain are pretty good at keeping the ball anyway but they're especially good at keeping it in their half when all the Chileans are in their own half. Pretty bloody poor really.

So, Spain won 2-1 and the bloody boring Swiss couldn't manage a goal against honduras and drew 0-0 meaning Spain and Chile deservedly go through and now we know the last 16. My predictions are as follows...

1. Uruguay to beat South Korea 2-0 - with Forlan and Suarez up front, Uruguay have the firepower to dispose of South Korea who both score and let in quite a few. Don't think much of the Koreans who were lucky they had the truly dreadful Greeks and Nigerians in their group.
2. Ghana to beat USA on penalties after a 1-1 draw - maybe I'm being a bit optimistic here because Ghana have only scored two goals and both of them were penalties. I think I just don't want the USA getting into the last 8 and it would be cool if an African team kept going.
3. Holland to beat Slovakia by more than two- as close to a 'gimme' as you're going to get. The Dutch haven't been tested defensively as yet and they won't here either.
4. Brazil to beat Chile - but only just. Brazil won't be as bad as today but the Chileans have a lot of talent and are a little unhinged so I predict a riot. The return of man city reject, Robinho and Elano should make Brazil function better, as will the return of that Kaka bloke.
5. Argentina to beat Mexico 3-0- the Argies are just too strong. Mexico are a tidy side but I can see them getting blown away here. Messi hasn't scored yet, bet he does here....
6. England to beat Germany 2-1 - they're not great and I'm sure we won't go in with an inferiority complex. The same staring XI as the Slovenia game should see us nick this one. Like Messi, Rooney is waiting to go. Hopefully, stupid, burnt out England will kick and rush their way into the quarter finals. This last sentence brough to you by Franz Beckenbauer (who is now in 'damage limitation' mode).
7. Japan to beat Paraguay 1-0 - though Paraguay play some decent stuff, I see Japan winning as they have more of a cutting edge up front with Honda and Endo and Paraguay need 15 chances to score a goal.
8. Spain to beat Portugal 1-0 and that Ronaldo ponce to be blubbing like a baby at the end. Portugal have not shown that they can attack against anyone other than North Korea and I expect them to be rally cagey... and lose.

So - my predicted quarter finals are... Uruguay v Ghana, Holland v Brazil, Argentina v England and Japan v Spain

World Cup Part 6 - Fabio takes no Shit

...and the winner by TKO is...

...the Italian Stallion..... Fabio Capello

MONDAY 21st JUNE

The return of the winker that is Christiano Ronaldo as Portugal took on the inscrutable North Koreans. The first half was a contest with Portugal going in 1-0 up through a goal from Mereiles. In the second half, North Korea made the mistake of trying to get back into it and soon found themselves 4-0 down before falling apart completely and ending up getting dicked 7-0. Pretty boy managed a goal as he tackled the keeper, got lucky as the ball came down on the back of his neck before he nonchalantly volleyed it in. The bloke is a genius but he has a face you would never tire of punching. North Korea out and have fun explaining that one to your leader, chaps.

Chile were up next against Switzerland who made things hard for themselves by going down to 10 men on the half hour when West Ham’s Bahrami, swung a couple of stiff arms in quick succession which was all the referee needed to send him on his way. Switzerland, because they are the most unambitious and defensive team in earth, managed to hold out with 10 men for ages before Mark Gonzalez (another of Rafa’s buys that didn’t quite work out) headed in the winner. Chile continued peppering the goal but couldn’t put it to bed and the Swiss had a glorious chance to snactch a draw I the last minute but their centre forward missed an open goal from about 8 yards. Dreadful, dreadful miss. Chile for their part look like Paraguay did last night, great going forward but wasteful.

Spain were up next against Honduras and this was a run of the mill 2-0 victory with both goals from David Villa who really should have been sent off for a bit of a gay slap as at defender. It is was in an English league game, he’d get a retrospective red card as the ref didn’t see it so it will be interesting to see if he gets banned here. The Honduran defender went down a good 8 seconds after the contact which was hilarious and pathetic in equal measure. Villa also managed to miss a penalty as well but it didn’t matter as Spain knew they had done enough. If they beat Chile in the final game then they will go through as they will be above the Chileans on 6 points. However, Switzerland will no doubt beat Honduras so it’ll probably be three teams on 6 points and I’d say that Chile will be the vulnerable ones despite having won their two games so far. What is ironic is that Chile or Switzerland could go out with 6 points whereas England, USA and Italy could go through with 3. I think Chile v Spain will be a brilliant game and if Chile get a point then Spain are going home…

Oh yeah, the soap operas of France and England… word is coming out of the French camp that some players may refuse to play against South Africa…. For me, if that happens then France should be thrown out of the 2014 World Cup. More importantly and less surprisingly, Fabio Capello has firmly dismissed the hysteria brought up by John Terry’s press conference yesterday. He confirmed that it was just John Terry and none of the other players, basically shooting his mouth off and it’s a ‘big mistake’ to do this in public. Oh to be a fly on the wall when he speaks to JT….. Personally I think Terry will have done the camp some good with his outburst – at the end of the day he wants to win and I don’t really know why but it has made me more confident than I was, that victory will be achieved on Wednesday and we’ll squeak through….but I feel that Capello has won this particular battle and reasserted his authority completely. The media will be in meltdown until Wednesday though and tomorrow’s papers will be worth avoiding. The Daily Mail today used the word ‘Mutiny’, thus keeping up their 100% record when it comes to being completely fucking wrong.

World Cup Part 5 - Revolution !!!

JT's Room, Rustenberg, Monday

SUNDAY 20th JUNE

Firstly, news from the French camp where Nicolas Anelka has been sent home by the manager and the players have all refused to train in protest at the French Federations handling of the situation. Bizarrely, the players get the manager who Anelka had the bust up with, to read out their militant letter explaining that they are refusing to train. Domenech has the air of a man who knows he only has to put up with this shit for another couple of days. He reads the statement and he looks like he doesn’t give a toss any more. Meanwhile, Patrice Evra has had a barney with the fitness coach who is caught on video dramatically hurling his accreditation badge thing to the floor. In addition, some French Federation bigwig has quit in disgust. Fantastic. Wonder what Michel Platini makes of it all.

To the football and Paraguay continue their impressive form with a comfortable 2-0 win against Slovakia who in truth, offer nothing at all. Like all the south American sides, the Paraguayans are brilliant in possession but do tend to squander chances, taking until the 82nd minute to make the game safe with a second goal.

Italy – or ‘England in Blue’ as they should be known, take on group minnows New Zealand so it’s Current World Champions versus team that doesn’t even have a professional league. NZ go 1-0 up through ex-Halifax superstar Shane Smeltz and Italy get back in it with an arbitrary penalty decision when the ref just decides that a bit of shirt pulling means a penalty. De Rossi’s shirt is pulled one way and he falls the other. Anyway, penalty and Iaquinta scores. NZ go into full defensive mode and are quite brilliant at keeping the Italians out and in fact came closest to winning it when Wood fired wide in the last minute. Anyway, best result in NZ football history, complete with topless women in the crowd which is something that never happens enough and certainly did it for Robbie Savage on the radio commentary. They really are like England in that they have decent players who play for decent clubs but struggle like mad. Also, the top clubs in the Italian league are full of foreigners… I mean, Inter Milan won the Treble with a team made up of South Americans with European passports – not an Italian amongst them.

Refereeing reached a new low in the Brazil v Ivory Coast match in the evening when Brazil were 1-0 up through Luis Fabiano (great shot that was) and the same player played keep-uppy with his arm twice, before scoring the decisive second goal. Courtesy of BBC HD, we got a replay of the ref running back with a big smile on his face, miming the ball hitting his arm and presumably asking Fabiano if he handled it. ’Not me Sir’ said Fabiano and so the goal stood. You can imagine Emile Heskey running after the ref to tell him that he did handle it and getting the goal disallowed. Silly me… that implies the big bollocks had scored I the first place. 3-0 soon after when Elano tapped in a Kaka cross and then Sven substitution masterclass with three like for like substitutions - charlatan. Brazil slacked off and Drogba pull one back with a neat header. What everyone will remember from this game though was an Ivory Coast defender running into the back of Kaka and going down holding his face, even though the contact, if there was any was at lower rib level. The referee who wasn’t even looking decided it was a 2nd yellow and off he went. An absolute joke.

In the evening, the England camp decided to go a bit French and John Terry decided that a few weeks without shagging anyone was not on so he decided to shag himself by publicly going to war with Capello over tactics and especially, Joe Cole’s omission. Bigging up a player who is not in the starting XI only going to be seen one way by any manager – as a direct challenge to his authority. It was very entertaining though and in one respect, you have to pat him on the back for speaking his mind but talk about being up yourself. For what it’s worth, I agree with Terry but I wouldn’t be surprised if JT awakes with a severed horses head in his bed on Monday morning and we’re lining up with Upson and Dawson at centre backs on Wednesday.

World Cup Part 2 - Franz Beckenbollocks

Ze Englanders ist scheisse !

MONDAY 14th JUNE

I picked out Holland v Denmark as my game to watch for the day. It was the 12.30 kick off and I was looking forward to seeing the Dutch who pissed through qualifying and when they get it right, are unstoppable, despite the presence of Dirk Kuyt who,despite being one of the most untalented footballers I’ve ever seen, manages to play effectively for Liverpool and for the Dutch national side. Holland also feature Mark Van Bommel who is one of the nastiest, dirtiest, most horrible players around. The game kicked off and for the first 10 minutes, it was World Cup 2010 boredom….. and then I woke up with the commentators shouting ‘own goal’. Somehow I’d slept through the first half and the half time interview, coming to as the replay of the gangly Danish left back heading a clearance onto Dan Agger and past Thomas Sorensen for an own goal. He compounded the error by grinning which is not the sort of reaction you want to see. Danish centre back Kjaer was being hyped as a possible signing for a Premiership club but he looked pretty average and was badly ball watching as a shot came back off the post and was followed in by my mate Dirk. 2-0 to the Dutch and pretty easy but not particularly impressive.

It was more impessive than Japan v Cameroon which was a trulty dreadful game which ended 1-0 to Japan with a goal from Honda, from a through ball from Mitsubishi, following a one-two with Suzuki. People of my age watch Cameroon and expect the 1990 side who were wonderfully entertaining and slightly unhinged in a brutal sort of way. See one of my favourite bits of World Cup action ever…




This incarnation played their best player (Samuel Eto’o) out on the right wing and he hardly got a kick. There was no mention of him signing for Portsmouth soon on the commentaries. That just left Italy v Paraguay which was heading for a 1-0 to Paraguay until the Paraguay keeper did a Superman impression with his eyes shut and gifted De Rossi and equalizer. Italy – the defending champions – look a desperately poor side but then they always do in the group games. I bet they make the last 4.


TUESDAY 15th JUNE

I was out all day so mercifully, I didn’t watch New Zealand v Slovakia or Portugal v Ivory Coast. 1-1 and 0-0 respectively. The New Zealand game was poor like it was always going to be with a bit of excitement occurring when NZ equalized in the 94th minute. Fair play to them on their first World Cup point. I’m sure all the sheep will be nervious tonight.

Sven Goran Ericsson is a man I hold in complete contempt for being a complete fucking charlatan but here is again, no doubt being paid a fortune to manage Ivory Coast in this World Cup with someone else having done the hard work and getting them to the Finals. He has a very talented group of players at his disposal, led of course by Didier Drogba who was playing despite breaking his arm last week – a remarkable show of toughness from a man who falls over and cries like a fucking baby virtually every week in the Premiership. Sven managed though to bore the shite out of everyone though by not allowing anyone to get forward from midfield and Portugal, including that slimy little bastard Ronaldo, were totally devoid of ideas to break them down aside from one bit of greaseball magic which saw Ronaldo hit the post.

The evening match was Brazil against 11 blokes we’d never heard of from North Korea. The magic of Brazil- would they turn on the style of old ? not a chance. It’s depressing to see that they have some severely average players this time around as well, despite one of these (Elano) netting the 2nd goal. Maicon had previously given Brazil the lead with a blast from a narrow angle which may or may not have been a fluke but the highlight of the match was the 89th minute goal by (insert Korean name here) which was as deserved as it was unexpected.

The English media today was dominated by the comments of Franz Beckenbauer who basically said that we were shit. OK, he didn’t use that work but I put what he did say through a German to English translator and ‘shit’ was the outcome. Smug tosser – yes Germany played well and England didn’t but in mitigation…. We played at altitude, you played at sea level, we played a better side, we played against 11 men all match and our keeper has dropped his one bollock for the tournament and will be brilliant from here on in.

Spain tomorrow…. Entertainment please…