World Cup Part 16 - Vorsprung Durch Technik

Diego drowns his sorrows

SATURDAY 3 JULY

Argentina v Germany in the first Quarter Final of the day was eagerly anticipated in that we’d finally see both sides get their defences tested. It hard to watch though when you watch both teams to lose – who do I hate more, The Germans or the Argies – tough one. I found myself wanting the Germans to win because they didn’t have a hate figure on view. Argentina of course had Maradona but Germany didn’t have a Klinsmann, a Matthaus, a Schumacher or a Beckenbauer. It didn’t take long for the first goal to arrive and the Germans got it when Schweinsteiger swung over a free kick and Tomas Mueller (again!!) ran in front of static defender and diverted it past Romero who barely moved. Klose fired over when it was easier to score from a Mueller pull back before Argentina had the ball in the net as Tevez square for Rodriguez to tap home. Unfortunately, when Tevez received the ball, he was one of four players who had been caught in a Vorsprung Durch Technik German offside trap.

The second half started with more Argentine pressure with de Maria hitting a cross shot that was on target until the Jubulani decided to turn left and miss the far post. Then came the incident that showed that it wasn’t going to be Argentina’s day when Tevez connected sweetly with an on-target volley from 12 yards which hit Mertersacker straight in the face and bounced off for a corner. Up the other end and Schweinsteiger put Podolski through who waited, drew the keeper and slipped it to a suspiciously offside looking Klose for a tap in and 2-0. Five minutes later it was all over and Schweinsteiger set off on a mazy which took him past four defenders and to the by-line, from where he rolled it back into the path of Freidrich to slot home. Brilliant run and my new favourite goal of the tournament. The Argies gave up at this point, leaving just one more opportunity for the Germans to show how the counter attack works and Podolski broke, passed to Ozil who crossed beautifully for Klose to despatch on the volley for 4-0.

Goodbye El Nutjob, I have enjoyed your press conferences and your enthusiasm but it’s still fun watching your team crash out. I guess the big compensation for Maradona is that I like him more than I used to, which will be really important to him, I know. It could be arguesd that the 4-0 scoreline to the Germans puts England's performance in a new light - it doesn't really as England were still terrible and today, Argentina were just as bad.

The 7.30 game was Spain v Paraguay. A shit first half can be summarised by saying that Paraguay worked incredibly hard, closing Spain down high up the pitch and Spain couldn’t string three passes together. Passing the ball to Fernando Torres was the footballing equivalent of pissing in the wind – nothing happens and you end up feeling unhappy. Paraguay in fact had the better chances without ever looking like scoring. The opening 10 minutes of the second half was all Spain until Paraguay got a free kick and tossed the ball into the mixer, where Pique grabbed Cardozo on the arm and threw him on the ground like a wrestling throw. Absolutely ridiculous and a definite penalty given away by a player who, no matter how many medals he wins for Barcelona and Spain, will always be a bit dodgy. Cardozo picked himself up and as he was waiting to take the pen, you could see fear in his face and it was no surprise to me that he missed, though it was a pretty smart stop from Casillas. Spain went straight up the other end which sparked one of the worst sequences of refereeing I think I have ever seen.

1. David Villa breaks through, gets into the penalty area and dives – the ref gives a penalty
2. Having given a penalty, it has to be a red card – the ref gives a yellow
3. Alonso takes the penalty and scores – the ref orders a re-take, there is maybe one Spain player a foot inside the box. Technically a correct decision but daft.
4. Alonso retakes and Villar saves it, Fabregas gets to the rebound first and Villar carts him up in the air for a clear penalty - ref gives a corner.

Spain were the only team who seemed intent on winning it and there was an air of inevitability about the goal which arrived on 82 minutes. Following a lovely bit of triangles between Iniesta, Fabregas and Xavi, Iniesta rolled in Pedro who hit the post with the rebound falling to Villa who curled it onto the inside of the opposite post, along the line, onto the other post and in. Paraguay had one chance when Casillas spilled a tame long effort into the path of Santa Cruz who really should have buried the rebound but his shot hit the keepers foot and Paraguay were out.

A look back at my Quarter Final predictions reveals the following:

I said – “Uruguay to beat Ghana 2-1. Could well go to extra time and deep down, I hope I’m wrong here and Ghana go through.” – Pretty close really though they won on penalties instead of with the extra time goal. There had been the predictable bellyaching about Suarez being a cheat and all that which is true but a bollocks thing to complaining about. I have to admit though, I found his parading about the pitch on the shoulders of his team mates a bit distasteful.

I said – “Brazil to beat Holland 2-0 as the Brazilians look very good when they have their full side out, which of course, they will have in this game” – Totally fucking wrong, FAILED.

I said – “Argentina to beat Germany 2-0. Like with Holland v Brazil, I can’t see the European side defending well enough to stop the South Americans scoring. The German defence looks dodgy when got at and you can be sure that Tevez, Messi and Higuain will get to it. You can also be sure that Argentina won’t defend like England did.” – Ho, ho, ho…Argentina completely defended like England did and I hang my prediction head in shame.

I said – “Spain to beat Paraguay 1-0 in a similar game to Spain v Portugal, right down to David Villa scoring the winner.” – Well I couldn’t have got his more right if I tried.

So, we have Semi Finals of Uruguay v Holland and Spain v Germany. Prediction time.

Holland to beat Uruguay 2-1. The Dutch should have enough to beat the Uruguayans but both teams are steady rather than spectacular. Both have good forward players and both are a bit dodgy at the back but I feel that Uruguay will miss Suarez up front, especially if they replace him with Abreu, who is a big immobile lump.

Germany to beat Spain on penalties. The Germans have proved that they are the best counter attacking team in the World Cup and make no mistake, Spain will have a lot of the ball and be doing most of the pressing. I anticipate Spain playing Fabregas instead of the dreadfully dreadful Torres and thus having more midfielders to counter this particular German threat. Busquets will be very important, trying to keep a lid on Ozil and Schweinsteiger and I wonder if he’s good enough to do that. Again, both defences are not all that great so it could be a case of who cracks first. Too close to call really and if it goes to penalties, you know who is going to win….

World Cup Part 14 - Nowt so Queiroz Folk

Oi Ronaldo, get back in defence like the other ten !!!

TUESDAY 29th JUNE

The last day of 2nd round matches saw Japan play Paraguay and an Iberian Derby game between Spain and Portugal. As a rule, the knockout matches had been more open than then group games but Paraguay v Japan was not. If it was a Subbuteo match (look it up if you’re under 30) then both teams would have been lined up in their own half, the ball put on the centre spot and then no one was allowed to flick a player at the ball for 90 minutes. Talk about bloody boring. Paraguay to be fair were trying to play the football but Japan looked the more dangerous when they broke out and Matsui crashed a great shot against the bar before Honda shanked a left footed shot wide when he rally should have passed it. The Subbuteo didn’t improve in the 2nd half and if ever a game was destined for penalties, this was it. Fast forward to the end of extra time and at 3-2 to Paraguay, the Japanese left back Komono, hit the bar before Cardozo slotted in the winning pen. Even the penalty shoot-out was boring with no keeper getting anywhere near making a save. It was a shame for Japan who played some great stuff against Denmark but instead of being liberated by the knockout phase, they just got unadventurous and it kind of served them right a bit.

Spain were on fire at the start v Portugal with Torres and Villa twice going close, only to be denied by Eduardo in the Portuguese goal. Master tactician Carlos Queiroz had gone with his tried and tested 6-3-(thirty yards)-Ronaldo formation and the pattern of the game was set. Spain would have all the possession and try to play their way through a massed defence and when they failed, Portugal would break and try to get Ronaldo on the ball and hope he’d do something spectacular. The referee was brilliant in the first half as any time a player went down in any way theatrically, he didn’t give it. It was really funny seeing Ronaldo getting booted everywhere and not being given any free-kicks. It was all Spain but Villa was playing wide left and not seeing much of the ball and Torres was having a shocker – clearly not fit and not confident in his own ability to go past people, much like Wayne Rooney. Portugal’s breaks brought a couple of chances as Casillas looked dodgy when he spooned a long shot up into the air and just about recovered before the lump Almeida headed in. Casillas had another brown trousers moment a few minutes later when Ronaldo’s free kick moved seven different ways before bouncing off his chest and falling to safety. Half time 0-0.

You knew that the second half was going to continue along the same pattern unless someone did something and it really came down to the managers. On the hour mark, Del Bosque took off the ineffective Torres and replaced him with Llorente and Quieroz, in a show of tactical wizardry, took off Almeida, the only player giving Ronaldo any support. Within seconds, Llorente had a free header when he connected with a Ramos cross but again, Eduardo saved and the Villa fired narrowly wide after linking up with the new arrival. The bustling substitute had upset the Portuguese defence in exactly the same way as Emile Heskey doesn’t and then another flowing passing move – Iniesta into Xavi, little back heel to Villa, shoots, saved by Eduardo, back to Villa, chips the rebound in off the bar. Brilliant finish.

Of course, then Portugal had to play and they created absolutely sod all for the rest of the match and all that happened was that as they committed men forwards, Spain had more space and were always the more likely to score with Sergio Ramos going to closest, forcing another brilliant save out of Eduardo. Portugal had some decent performers with the keeper and Contrao, the left back standing out but creatively, they were bankrupt. They managed to get a man sent off in the last minute for a flailing arm at Capdevila (who is a big girls blouse) and that was it for Portugal and good riddance. It reminded me of England’s 2002 exit when we had half an hour against Brazil, 2-1 down against 10 men and didn’t manage a shot. We didn’t even have a go and nor did Portugal today. They were playing for penalties from the first minute and had no game plan for when they conceded. I hope Queiroz (like Capello) has a decent watertight contract because when you have talented players and totally fail to get the best out of them and you are in charge of a major football nation, then it usually only ends one way.

Well, let’s revisit my Round 2 predictions in true ‘Lawro on the BBC’ fashion. My predictions in brackets.

Uruguay 2 South Korea 1 (Uruguay 2-0 – pretty close)
Ghana 2 USA 1 aet (Ghana on pens after a 1-1 – pretty close again)
Holland 2 Slovakia 1 (Holland by 2 or more – last minute pen did for me)
Brazil 3 Chile 1 (Brazil just – OK, it was comfortable)
Argentina 3 Mexico 1 (Argentina 3-0, bloody consolation goal!)
Germany 4 England 1 (2-1 to England – patriotic stupidity exposed!!!)
Paraguay 0 Japan 0, 5-3 on pens (Japan 1-0, wrong…)
Spain 1 Portugal 0 (Spot on!!!, I said Portugal would be really cagey… and lose)

Now to the Quarters:-

Uruguay to beat Ghana 2-1 as Ghana have a couple of suspensions at the back and I back Suarez and Forlan to be just too much for Ghana. Could well go to extra time and deep down, I hope I’m wrong here and Ghana go through.
Brazil to beat Holland 2-0 as I just can’t see Holland defending well enough to stay in the game. Mr Stekelenberg could be in for a busy game as the Brazilians look very good when they have their full side out, which of course, they will have in this game.
Argentina to beat Germany 2-0. Like with Holland v Brazil, I can’t see the European side defending well enough to stop the South Americans scoring. The German defence looks dodgy when got at and you can be sure that Tevez, Messi and Higuain will get to it. You can also be sure that Argentina won’t defend like England did.
Spain to beat Paraguay 1-0 in a similar game to Spain v Portugal, right down to David Villa scoring the winner.

So, my predicted semi finals are Uruguay v Brazil and Argentina v Spain.

Oh yeah, England in the news again and Sepp Blatter has said sorry to us for Frank’s disallowed goal. Bit late for that you snivelling fuck though I suppose we may now get awarded 2018 out of sympathy.

It was further over than that, you wanker !!!

And finally, Some England perspective from Ireland, oddly enough. Have a look at this from Roy Keane, especially the bit near the end when he goes through the list of England players and tells you how many of them had a good season in the Premiership last year.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2010/8773716.stm

Here's a very good atricle from the Irish Times, especially the bit about Thomas Mueller

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/sport/2010/0629/1224273557820.html

World Cup Part 9 - Heroes to Zeroes

What do you mean, "Save it" ?

THURSDAY 24th JUNE

Group F’s final two games were Italy v Slovakia and New Zealand v Paraguay. Italy were in an identical position to England the night before, in that they had to win or go home. Both the Italians and the Slovakians are not the most exciting of teams so I was expecting a dour 1-0 to Italy but the cat went amongst the proverbial pigeons when a dreadful square pass across the back 4 by de Rossi was intercepted, one pass, goal for Vittek. It got worse for the Italians just after half time as Vittek nipped in front of the dozing Chiellini and scored at the near post. Italy, as they do, got a bit of urgency with the introduction of Pirlo and Quagliarella which sound like a fancy ice-cream flavour. It all went nuts in the last 10 minutes with first di Natale pulling one back to put the Italians within one goal of qualifying. A minute later it was in the net again via the Ice Cream boy but the dodgy English linesman had his flag up for offside. Quagliarella’s leg was in front of the last defender when the ball was crossed which is offside if (and this is a big if) that rule that was introduced about ‘daylight’ doesn’t still apply. A few years ago, when they kept pissing about with the offside rule, I’m sure that it was modified to give the benefit to the attacker and say that there had to be daylight between attacker and defender to be given offside.

Fresh from the heartbreak of having a goal disallowed, the Italians defended a throw in like a school team and allowed a midfielder to burst onto the throw and chip the keeper for 3-1. Italy usually have the excellent and imposing Buffon in goal but he’s injured and the replacement Marchetti looks like a performing dwarf from a circus. Basically, he’s crap and I don’t think he’s actually saved an on target shot in the two and a half games he’s played. Ice cream boy pulled one back but it was by now the 93rd minute so out they went 3-2.

Whenever Italy go out there is always a case of what might have been. They were superb for the last 20 minutes going forward but it had taken them two games and 70 minutes to show any attacking momentum. Many of their squad will be retiring now so a word for Fabio Cannavaro who in the 2006 World Cup, was the best defender I’ve ever seen, bar none. He’s 36 now and this was one tournament too many for him but in his prime, what a player.

The other game finished 0-0 so New Zealand go out despite not losing a game. I wonder what the odds were on that happening. Paraguay go through as group winners though they will be concerned at their lack of a clinical finisher. They had all the play today but came up with a blank. Slovakia finish 2nd s that’s a nice 2nd Round game for Holland and Italy…. finish last… unlike with the French though, it doesn’t give me much pleasure to say that.

Denmark and Japan were both on three points going into the game against eachother, Holland were already through and were playing Cameroon who were already out. One of the features of the World Cup has been the much maligned Jubulani ball and the fact that no one can take a free kick with it without ballooning it out of the park. Enter the inscrutable Japananese and specifically, Honda who smashed one dead straight from 35 yards which Thomas Sorensen obligingly left a big gap for. On the half hour it was 2-0 as this time, Tommy boy lined up his wall in the wrong place, allowing Endo to nonchalantly curl one in from a similar distance. The Danes who needed to win to go through, tried to respond but had n idea aside from the hoof upto Bendtner, who was getting no change out of the Japanese central defence. Sorensen did his best to throw another one in at the start of the second half, fumbling a tame lob into the box, onto his own crossbar. The Danes had a great chance to pull one back when Tomasson had a free shot from 8 yards but trying an airshot and connecting only with your standing leg is not the way to go about it. He did manage a goal five minutes later but even then, he ballsed a penalty first and then bobbled the rebound apologetically into the net. It was if then, that Japan woke up and Honda tricked his way into the box and laid it on a plate for Okazaki to make it 3-1 and confirm Japan going through to face Paraguay.

In the meaningless match, Holland beat Cameroon 2-1 and the only thing of note really, was the appearance of the perma-injured Arjen Robben who came on as a sub and smashed a great shot against the post which rebounded to Huntelaar to steer in from a difficult angle for the winner. The win confirmed Holland in top spot, going through to play Slovakia. It would be rude not to mention Cameroon’s Rigobert Song who came on as a sub to play in his 4th World Cup, looking like a Rasta Father Christmas with blonde hair and beard…. Very odd.

The knockout draw is shaping up and one half of the draw, England’s half is looking not too clever. All we need now is Portugal to beat Brazil tomorrow and the Brazilians are in our half as well….. watch this space.

Unbelievably, Franz Beckenbauer has seen fit to open his trap again, apparently we're 'stupid' not to have won the group. It's not as if we did it on purpose mate... I think he's bricking it myself.

...

Now give it back and go home...

World Cup Part 5 - Revolution !!!

JT's Room, Rustenberg, Monday

SUNDAY 20th JUNE

Firstly, news from the French camp where Nicolas Anelka has been sent home by the manager and the players have all refused to train in protest at the French Federations handling of the situation. Bizarrely, the players get the manager who Anelka had the bust up with, to read out their militant letter explaining that they are refusing to train. Domenech has the air of a man who knows he only has to put up with this shit for another couple of days. He reads the statement and he looks like he doesn’t give a toss any more. Meanwhile, Patrice Evra has had a barney with the fitness coach who is caught on video dramatically hurling his accreditation badge thing to the floor. In addition, some French Federation bigwig has quit in disgust. Fantastic. Wonder what Michel Platini makes of it all.

To the football and Paraguay continue their impressive form with a comfortable 2-0 win against Slovakia who in truth, offer nothing at all. Like all the south American sides, the Paraguayans are brilliant in possession but do tend to squander chances, taking until the 82nd minute to make the game safe with a second goal.

Italy – or ‘England in Blue’ as they should be known, take on group minnows New Zealand so it’s Current World Champions versus team that doesn’t even have a professional league. NZ go 1-0 up through ex-Halifax superstar Shane Smeltz and Italy get back in it with an arbitrary penalty decision when the ref just decides that a bit of shirt pulling means a penalty. De Rossi’s shirt is pulled one way and he falls the other. Anyway, penalty and Iaquinta scores. NZ go into full defensive mode and are quite brilliant at keeping the Italians out and in fact came closest to winning it when Wood fired wide in the last minute. Anyway, best result in NZ football history, complete with topless women in the crowd which is something that never happens enough and certainly did it for Robbie Savage on the radio commentary. They really are like England in that they have decent players who play for decent clubs but struggle like mad. Also, the top clubs in the Italian league are full of foreigners… I mean, Inter Milan won the Treble with a team made up of South Americans with European passports – not an Italian amongst them.

Refereeing reached a new low in the Brazil v Ivory Coast match in the evening when Brazil were 1-0 up through Luis Fabiano (great shot that was) and the same player played keep-uppy with his arm twice, before scoring the decisive second goal. Courtesy of BBC HD, we got a replay of the ref running back with a big smile on his face, miming the ball hitting his arm and presumably asking Fabiano if he handled it. ’Not me Sir’ said Fabiano and so the goal stood. You can imagine Emile Heskey running after the ref to tell him that he did handle it and getting the goal disallowed. Silly me… that implies the big bollocks had scored I the first place. 3-0 soon after when Elano tapped in a Kaka cross and then Sven substitution masterclass with three like for like substitutions - charlatan. Brazil slacked off and Drogba pull one back with a neat header. What everyone will remember from this game though was an Ivory Coast defender running into the back of Kaka and going down holding his face, even though the contact, if there was any was at lower rib level. The referee who wasn’t even looking decided it was a 2nd yellow and off he went. An absolute joke.

In the evening, the England camp decided to go a bit French and John Terry decided that a few weeks without shagging anyone was not on so he decided to shag himself by publicly going to war with Capello over tactics and especially, Joe Cole’s omission. Bigging up a player who is not in the starting XI only going to be seen one way by any manager – as a direct challenge to his authority. It was very entertaining though and in one respect, you have to pat him on the back for speaking his mind but talk about being up yourself. For what it’s worth, I agree with Terry but I wouldn’t be surprised if JT awakes with a severed horses head in his bed on Monday morning and we’re lining up with Upson and Dawson at centre backs on Wednesday.

World Cup Part 2 - Franz Beckenbollocks

Ze Englanders ist scheisse !

MONDAY 14th JUNE

I picked out Holland v Denmark as my game to watch for the day. It was the 12.30 kick off and I was looking forward to seeing the Dutch who pissed through qualifying and when they get it right, are unstoppable, despite the presence of Dirk Kuyt who,despite being one of the most untalented footballers I’ve ever seen, manages to play effectively for Liverpool and for the Dutch national side. Holland also feature Mark Van Bommel who is one of the nastiest, dirtiest, most horrible players around. The game kicked off and for the first 10 minutes, it was World Cup 2010 boredom….. and then I woke up with the commentators shouting ‘own goal’. Somehow I’d slept through the first half and the half time interview, coming to as the replay of the gangly Danish left back heading a clearance onto Dan Agger and past Thomas Sorensen for an own goal. He compounded the error by grinning which is not the sort of reaction you want to see. Danish centre back Kjaer was being hyped as a possible signing for a Premiership club but he looked pretty average and was badly ball watching as a shot came back off the post and was followed in by my mate Dirk. 2-0 to the Dutch and pretty easy but not particularly impressive.

It was more impessive than Japan v Cameroon which was a trulty dreadful game which ended 1-0 to Japan with a goal from Honda, from a through ball from Mitsubishi, following a one-two with Suzuki. People of my age watch Cameroon and expect the 1990 side who were wonderfully entertaining and slightly unhinged in a brutal sort of way. See one of my favourite bits of World Cup action ever…




This incarnation played their best player (Samuel Eto’o) out on the right wing and he hardly got a kick. There was no mention of him signing for Portsmouth soon on the commentaries. That just left Italy v Paraguay which was heading for a 1-0 to Paraguay until the Paraguay keeper did a Superman impression with his eyes shut and gifted De Rossi and equalizer. Italy – the defending champions – look a desperately poor side but then they always do in the group games. I bet they make the last 4.


TUESDAY 15th JUNE

I was out all day so mercifully, I didn’t watch New Zealand v Slovakia or Portugal v Ivory Coast. 1-1 and 0-0 respectively. The New Zealand game was poor like it was always going to be with a bit of excitement occurring when NZ equalized in the 94th minute. Fair play to them on their first World Cup point. I’m sure all the sheep will be nervious tonight.

Sven Goran Ericsson is a man I hold in complete contempt for being a complete fucking charlatan but here is again, no doubt being paid a fortune to manage Ivory Coast in this World Cup with someone else having done the hard work and getting them to the Finals. He has a very talented group of players at his disposal, led of course by Didier Drogba who was playing despite breaking his arm last week – a remarkable show of toughness from a man who falls over and cries like a fucking baby virtually every week in the Premiership. Sven managed though to bore the shite out of everyone though by not allowing anyone to get forward from midfield and Portugal, including that slimy little bastard Ronaldo, were totally devoid of ideas to break them down aside from one bit of greaseball magic which saw Ronaldo hit the post.

The evening match was Brazil against 11 blokes we’d never heard of from North Korea. The magic of Brazil- would they turn on the style of old ? not a chance. It’s depressing to see that they have some severely average players this time around as well, despite one of these (Elano) netting the 2nd goal. Maicon had previously given Brazil the lead with a blast from a narrow angle which may or may not have been a fluke but the highlight of the match was the 89th minute goal by (insert Korean name here) which was as deserved as it was unexpected.

The English media today was dominated by the comments of Franz Beckenbauer who basically said that we were shit. OK, he didn’t use that work but I put what he did say through a German to English translator and ‘shit’ was the outcome. Smug tosser – yes Germany played well and England didn’t but in mitigation…. We played at altitude, you played at sea level, we played a better side, we played against 11 men all match and our keeper has dropped his one bollock for the tournament and will be brilliant from here on in.

Spain tomorrow…. Entertainment please…