World Cup 2022 Part 3 - Groups E-H

No One Wants to See Germans Crying 😂

 Group E – Germany, Japan, Spain, Costa Rica

23/11/22
It’s that team in White, starting their campaign against Japan and will surely be a comfortable enough win for the team that always turns up for tournaments. Wrong, massively. Germany should’ve been out of sight in the first half but all they had show for it was a Gundogan penalty, won courtesy of a hilarious challenge by the Japanese goalkeeper who just dived into the back of a player. The Germans seem pretty much in control until, like Argentina against the Saudis, they were undone by two quickfire goals, the second one being a brilliant bit of control of a long ball and smashing it high into the net from a narrow angle. Absolutely marvellous stuff to see the Germans get beat.

It was compounded later as Spain annihilated Costa Rica 7-0. Spain looked good but Costa Rica looked even worse than Iran so I would imagine they are going to take hammerings in their last two games as well. This makes that particular group really interesting because you’ve got to expect Japan to beat Costa Rica and then Germany will play Spain knowing that unless they win, they are going home, knocked out the tournament in two games.  That would be a real shame.

27/11/22
Japan had one job to do. Japan just had to beat the team that have been beaten 7-0 in their first game. If Japan can beat Costa Rica then Germany are absolutely fucked.  Anyway, Japan didn’t win an even worse, they actually contrived to lose to Costa Rica who had one shot all game which looped over the Japanese goalkeeper who basically jumped downwards. It was horrific, not just for Japan, but for everyone who wanted the Germans to go out with no fuss.

So, with three teams on three points and Germany on nothing, Spain took on Germany and what turned out to be a really entertaining game. Germany thought they’d scored just before half-time through Antonio Rüdiger but much of the amusement of everyone who isn’t German, it was disallowed for a tight offside.  It all got slightly surreal in the second half as Álvaro Morata came off the bench for the second game running and managed to score. Germany’s substitute replied though with about seven minutes ago as Fullkrug smashed in an unstoppable shot which means that Germany go into the last game against Costa Rica, knowing that win will in all likelihood, put them through. You had one job Japan… and you fucked it for everyone.

1/12/22
The final matches were absolutely amazing. To start with, Germany took the lead against Costa Rica and when Spain went to head against Japan, it must be assumed that Spain and Germany were going to qualify. However, 10 minutes after half time and Japan had scored twice and Costa Rica had equalised.

It got even more amazing when Costa Rica went in front so as it stood at that particular time, Japan and Costa Rica were going through and Spain and Germany were going out. It was too much to hope for and in typical Germany fashion, they hit back to win 4-2 but it really didn’t matter as long as the Japan and Spain score stayed the same.  Spain were guilty of what they are often guilty of – pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, no cutting edge.  I do wonder if it crossed the mind of any Spanish players that unless Germany had scored a further six goals, they were through even with a defeat but fair play to them, they kept playing and kept the Japanese honest.

About that Winning Japanese Goal

The main controversy of course was the second Japanese goal. The original cross that was hooked back in before it was bundled into the net, looked over the line on first viewing and that’s what the linesman thought because he flagged and the referee initially disallowed the goal. VAR had other ideas though and despite no view being shown which proved that the ball wasn’t over the line, the goal was given. This could be classed as ‘outrageous’ or dare I say it ‘corrupt’ but I go with ‘hilarious’ because it ultimately is what knocked the Germans out.

As I said when they played Costa Rica, Japan had one job to do and that was to put the Germans out.  They did it, in the most roundabout, difficult way possible but they did it and go on to face Croatia in the last 16. Spain is reward for squeaking through is it going against Morocco which won’t be easy for them.

Group F – Belgium, Croatia, Morocco, Canada

Lovren Hits the Net, Lukaku Doesn't

23/11/22
The opening game of group F was a piss boring draw between Morocco and Croatia. Croatia are a team that are creaking and don’t seem to have any forwards so struggled to break down a well organised Morocco defence.  Perisic is still their best attacker, Modric at 37 their best midfielder and in Dejan Lovren, they have a defender of sorts. 0-0 and instantly forgettable.

Belgium and Canada saw the Canadians absolutely run the game in the first half but somehow go in 1-0 down as Michy Batshuayi actually kicked the ball in the right direction for once following a long ball that the Canadian defence obligingly missed. Belgium looked about as far away from being prospective tournament winners as you could possibly be. They still have Vertonghen and Alderweireld in defence and also Leander Dendoncker, who doesn’t even play there for his club. Axel Witsel continues to be a mystifying player and you wonder what on earth he actually does and they just looked very old and average and it’s sad seeing Eden Hazard as he is now, wrecked by so many injuries. Alphonso Davies missed a penalty for Canada and they should’ve had another one at the end of the first half but didn’t get it, just before the goal. The second half was more even but Canada ran out of legs and don’t seem to have a player who can stick a ball in the net.  With Belgium looking like it’s one tournament too many and Croatia the same, this is definitely the ‘Group of Life’.

27/11/22
Belgium took on Morocco, clearly hoping that the luck that was with them like it was when they beat Canada… and it wasn’t.  They actually didn’t have anything to thank luck for but Morocco won 2-0 and totally deserved to do so as the fraud Roberto Martinez got found out again by team that had more legs, more organisation and wanted to win more than the Red Devil’s Golden Generation. Honestly, the average Belgian is going to look back at this era of their national team when they are in the international wilderness in a few years and be like we are with England’s Golden Generation.  How the fuck didn’t we win anything with those players? Belgium’s answer will be Roberto Martinez in the same way that ours is Sven the Charlatan. 

There is a theme developing in this World Cup that if you get in the faces of the alleged best teams and make it difficult for them, they can’t handle it. Morocco didn’t give Belgium a second and totally deserved the win.  Canada must have been hoping for the same against Croatia but there was no shock, despite Canada taking the lead after two minutes through a superb Alphonso Davies header. Croatia didn’t panic and eventually run out easy 4-1 winners with ex-Leicester City flop Andrej Kramaric bagging a couple of goals. Belgium basically have to get something out of their game against Croatia or they are going home and about eight of their over 30s are heading into international retirement, along with Roberto Martinez.

1/12/22
All of the interest in the last round of games centred around the battle of the teams who were too old and therefore playing one tournament together too many. Croatia against Belgium was going on whilst Morocco were easily disposing of Canada 2-1 in the other game.

The game between the European Hasbeens was diabolical in the first half before coming to life with the second half and being slightly less diabolical. Croatia had a better approach play but Belgium created all the chances with second-half substitute Romelu Lukaku being guilty of about four glaring misses. I ended up feeling a bit sorry for him at the end but not for Roberto Martinez who has always been a fraud and like I said before, Belgium are going to so regret trusting him with their best generation of players. 0-0 it finished, so Croatia went through in second place behind group winners Morocco.

Group G – Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon

Massive Arsehole Scores Ridiculously Good Goal

24/11/22
Switzerland.  What’s the point? I mean seriously. Always qualify, always dull. The opening game against Cameroon was his dull as you’d expect until late Embolo goal, won it for the Swiss. Cameroon are similar to the Swiss in that they always seem to qualify but then do very very little.  Both the Swiss and the Cameroonians will be competing in a mini-league with Serbia to see who qualifies behind Brazil, who will more than likely win every game.  

The Serbs were the first to face Brazil and gave it a good go in the first half before being beaten by two Richarlison goals in the second half. Richarlison is of course a massive arsehole but the quality of his second goal was superb as he flicked it up for himself before scissor kicking it into the net from the edge of the box.  That has to be applauded, even though he’s an arsehole. Did I mention that he’s an arsehole?  Another arsehole, Neymar did very little and got substituted and Brazil looked a better side without him. They have a ridiculous array of attacking talent when you consider that Rodrygo, Anthony and Gabriel Jesus were all on the bench.  A bit like England really but Brazil’s manager will use them.

28/11/22
Serbia and Cameroon played out a very entertaining 3-3 draw with Serbia racing into a 3-1 lead before Cameroon hit back. Cameroon’s second goal is an outrageous scooped lob by Aboubakar (like that famous one Karel Poborsky scored) whilst everyone stopped waiting for it to be called offside. It was a ridiculously brilliant goal but his celebration was muted until after VAR confirmed he was onside. So, a point each in the mini league to finish second behind Brazil.

What’s the point of Switzerland? They turned up against Brazil and they tried to keep it tight and manage to do so but it was somewhat inevitable that Brazil would eventually score and the only surprise is that it came from Casemiro, who found himself in the Switzerland penalty area and smashed in a brilliant goal with a first time lash.

Second place behind Brazil will go to whoever wins the Serbia against Switzerland game in the final games.  That will have a bit of politics in it as well because Serbia have been dickheads as usual having an ‘Kosovo is Serbian’ flag seen in their changing room and Switzerland have Shaqiri and Xhaka, two ethnic Albanians, so all sorts of fun predicted in the last game. At least there will be a point to Switzerland in this game and I would imagine they will take second place in the group as Brazil will surely dispatch Cameroon.

2/12/22
With the Brazil and Cameroon game not having much riding on it, all the tension was on the Serbia against Switzerland game which was probably going to kick off at some point for political reasons. Anyhow, whilst the Brazil game was 0-0, Switzerland took the lead through little fat Xherdan Shaqiri before Serbia hit back through a Mitrovic header and a good finish by Vlahovic and took the lead to put themselves in a qualifying position.   Back came the Swiss however through Embolo and Freuler to lead 3–2. I have pondered in this World Cup what the point of Switzerland is and the point of Switzerland is to piss off Serbia and it all got very fractious in the last few minutes with Granit Xhaka in the centre of it as usual. With Serbia needing two goals, the game was up really on the news that Cameroon had nicked a last minute winner against Brazil reserves didn’t really change anything much. Brazil will play South Korea in the next round whereas Switzerland will take on Portugal. I have a feeling that Switzerland are the sort of team that Portugal will not enjoy playing against.

Group H – Portugal, Uruguay, Ghana, South Korea

Ghana lost, but Somehow Won in a Way

24/11/22
Group H started with a very dull goalless draw between Uruguay and South Korea. Uruguay look good on paper with a good blend of experienced and younger players but it never really happened against South Korea who probably, if anyone, should’ve won it. Not a lot to say about either team on that showing to be honest

Portugal are the team to dislike above all others at the moment. So many petulant arseholes in one squad. Diving around all over the fucking place and just generally being whining bastards. Oh and they have Ronaldo and he’s 37 and he can’t do what he used to do so now he is restricted solely to diving and he dived to good effect to win a penalty as Mohammed Salisu stuck his foot in rather daftly and gave him the chance to go over. I really hoped that when VAR was introduced that it would sort out this kind of shit but because of the “is it a clear and obvious error“, there’s always enough leeway to mean that the diving bastard gets away with it. Of course, he fucking scored. Back came Ghana though with an equaliser from Andre Ayew and it looked like we are up for storming end to the game until Portugal scored twice in five minutes. Whilst we all thought the game was done at that point, Ghana got another one back and then came in amazing incident last minute with the Portuguese keeper didn’t check behind him and didn’t notice that Iñaki Williams was loitering.  He rolled the ball out before the Williams nicked it off him and then slipped as he went to shoot. What a shame that was. Would’ve been absolutely fucking hilarious but as it was, the diving cheating petulant bastards got three points.

28/11/22
Ghana were first in action in the second round of matches, in a game they really had to win against South Korea and it looked like plain sailing for the West Africans with the mighty Southampton centre back Mohammed Salisu, scoring a slightly controversial opener. It was controversial because the pass to him him was basically thrown to him by Andre Ayew but cheers, Son’s crying.  Anyway, there was nothing controversial about the second Ghanaian goal by Mohammed Kudus. As with the previous game against Portugal, just when you think Ghana have got control of things, it completely went to shit and two headed goals by Cho, brought South Korea level only for Ghana to virtually go straight back up the other end and score again through Kudus with the assist being provided by a fantastic air shot by Inaki Williams which basically took out about four defenders.

Portugal against Uruguay was always going to be a dirge and the only surprise was that it wasn’t the game with the most extra time added in the tournament, given the theatrical and petulant nature of both of these teams. It looks like No Club Ronaldo had opened the scoring as he wheeled away celebrating that he was the greatest thing since sliced bread - but a quick replay showed that he had not actually touched Bruno Fernandes in-swinging cross so the player still at Manchester United got given the goal.  Both No-Club Ronnie and Piers Morgan were furious.  Bruno followed it up after another absolutely shambles of a VAR decision for handball gifted them a penalty. With No-Club Ronnie off the pitch, no doubt still waving his arms around about not being able to claim the goalie didn’t touch, Fernandes scored a penalty to give Portugal two wins out of two.

This group is of course all about who come second behind Portugal and you have to say that in Ghana are the favourites right now.

2/12/22
Ghana took on Uruguay and Portugal played South Korea in the last round of games.  Portugal were already through and any of the other three could still have made it but at the start of the game you would’ve said that the winners of the Ghana v Uruguay match would be favourites.

Portugal took an early lead in their game and Ghana had a glorious opportunity to do the same in theirs when the impressive Mohammed Kudus was carted over by the Uruguay goalkeeper.  Up stepped Andre Ayew to try and banish the memories of Asamoah Gyan in 2010 and he completely fucked it with a piss weak penalty that was easily saved. 10 minutes later and Uruguay, ironically inspired by the arch shithouse Luis Suárez, went two goals in front with two goals scored by de Arrascaeta.  Just as half-time was approaching, No-club Ronnie provided an assist for South Korea in his own penalty area so now it was all looking very interesting but as it stood, Uruguay were going through.

The second half of the Ghana game was simmering along with Ghana needing a point to go through and Uruguay thinking that they had done enough, so much so that they took off Suarez, Nunez and de Arrascaeta , probably to save them for the next round.  Oh dear - they reckoned without South Korea taking the lead through Chan, which meant that South Korea were ahead of them on goals scored. Portugal didn’t really give a shit about losing and that game was finished whilst there was still seven minutes of the Ghana v Uruguay game to go with both teams going for it whilst Luis Suárez cried on the bench. With one minute left to go, Edinson Cavani basically threw himself in front of a Ghana player and initiated contact and then cried like a bitch when he didn’t get the penalty. At full time they have gone mental all around the referee and he was forced to run off the pitch. What a bunch of wankers. Go home.  Good riddance.

It was a shame for Ghana to go out but I’m sure they will have taken some consolation from the fact that they took some revenge for 2010 and played a big part in Uruguay getting knocked out and had Luis Suárez crying at what was no doubt the end of his World Cup career.

World Cup 2014 Part 7 - Bye Bye Ronaldo and Capello's Laser Treatment

Odd Face Paint

26/6/14

Group G – Portugal 2 Ghana 1

Like their playoff final against Sweden, this was always going to be about how many goal Ronaldo could score to carry this relatively poor Portuguese side through.  Hampered by injuries though, you could see he was going to struggle despite still being the best player on the pitch regardless.  Ronaldo hit the bar with a chip and then hit the keeper with a point blank header which saw the keeper celebrating in the way that scorers of winning goals do.  Eventually they took the lead and it was hilarious.  Veloso went down the left wing and crossed and the amusingly named John Boye took time off from appearing in The Waltons to brilliantly slice into his own net.  Great finish.  The lead lasted until 10 minutes after half time when Kwadwo Asamoah curled in an amazing cross with the outside of his boot and Asamoah Gyan thumped a header into the net.  Suddenly Ghana had a chance to qualify but the keeper fucked it up for them by patting a cross down into the centre of a penalty are in much the same way that an 11 year old would do and Ronaldo wasn’t going to miss from there.  2-1 to Portugal and you’re both going out.

Group G – USA 0 Germany 1

There’s not a lot to like about this match.  On the one hand you have Ze Germans and everything about them and on the other you have Jurgen Klinsmann.  Ze Germans started the better of the two sides and the Yanks didn’t shake them out of their stride at all but still reached half time at 0-0.  On 55 minutes Mertesacker got a header in which Tourette Tim parried out and before he could say ‘fuck shit bollocks twat’, Thomas Muller rocketed a perfect sidefoot finish past him from the edge of the box to make it 1-0.  You sensed there and then that that was going to be game over.  The Yanks created a couple of half chances as the game wore but nothing of note really and so ze Germans went through as top of the group and because Portugal failed to hump Ghana out of sight, the USA went through as well.  If I’m honest I would have preferred Ghana to go through in this group but I guess the Americans making it is marginally preferable to Ronaldo. Just.

Group H – Algeria 1 Russia 1

Russia and Capello have been bloody tedious in this competition.  They should have got through easily but were relying on beating Algeria.  They took the lead on 6 minutes as Kokorin headed in but couldn’t finish the game off.  They were knocking on the door in the second half but they had an Achilles heel in the hapless Akinfeev in goal who had made such a bollocks of the South Korea game.  This time he came for a cross, got nowhere near it and it was bundled in by ????  TV pictures later proved that someone was shining a green laser on the keepers face as the cross came in which is a bit of a bastard thing to do and it’s also a bit of a waste of effort with this keeper as the chances are that he’s going to drop it anyway.  So, out go the Russians and Capello of course made a load of noise about the laser on the keeper etc.  I’d say that no wins in three games is more of an issue as one of the greatest managers in club football, proved for the second World Cup running that he doesn’t do international football.

Group H - South Korea 0 Belgium 1

This was a tedious game only made slightly interested when Defour managed to get himself sent off for Belgium for a shin-scraping high tackle.  Ten man Belgium wre still too good for the South Korean’s who stood no chance of repeating their 2002 heroics with hometown referees.  They hit the bar in the first half and had a couple of near things but nowhere near enough and Belgium duly won it with 10 minutes to go when lively substitute Origi had a shot parried and Jan Vertonghen was there to knock it in the net.  Belgium though as group winners, South Korea going home.

World Cup 2014 Part 4 - Iran are better than England.

Suarez points to where Gerrard flicked it on

19/6/14

Group C – Colombia 2 Ivory Coast 1

Colombia looked the better side all the way though this and took the lead in the second half as Rodriguez easily headed in a corner from virtually in front of the keeper.  Ivory Coast again left Drogba on the bench and went 2-0 down when they tried to play out of defence and got caught and Colombia chose the right option and Quintero scored.  Gervinho, with his forehead hidden by a scarf, scoored a bloody good goal to make it 2-1 as he danced through about 4 challenges as he cut in from the left and scored as the keeper didn’t cover himself in glory.  So, Colombia are virtually through but Ivory Coast should still make it as long as they don’t get beaten by Greece.

Group D – England 1 Uruguay 2

It was time to do or die for England and Mr Dynamic picked the same side that played against Italy other than putting Rooney and Sterling in the best positions.  I wanted to see Barkley, Lallana and Shaw from the start to give it a bit more energy but no – same old, same old with Danny Welbeck picked as an attacker, mainly for his defensive ability, in a game we really have to win.  Uruguay had Suarez starting and you have to wonder how fit he is bearing in mind that 4 days ago they didn’t bring him on when they were losing to Costa Rica.  Within 10 minutes you could tell that we were going to be shit.  None of the front 6 looked at the races with Sterling and Sturridge giving the ball away constantly.  Rooney was at least trying and trying to influence things but his touch was awful and he too was just giving it away.  Henderson and Gerrard weren’t providing any legs in the midfield at all and didn’t appear to be helping the attack or the defence.  Fucking rubbish.  We got a free kick on the edge of the box in absolute perfect position for a right footer as Godin picked up a booking for a deliberate handball.  Rooney was going to take it and whilst I’m sure a lot of the nation was on the edge of their seats expecting him to score, I was there with the feeling I used to get when Bradley Wright-Phillips got through on goal.  I knew he’d fucking miss and sure enough, Rooney put it over the bar.  There really is no excuse for not getting it on target you useless squirrel headed granny shagging bastard. Same with the header that he hit the bar with from 2 feet out.

Cavani was working a lot harder than in Uruguay’s last game as a result of partnering the clearly half-fit Suarez but he picked the ball up after Gerrard had given it away and clipped a great ball over Jagielka in exactly the same way that Italy had played one over Cahill and Suarez peeled away and looped a header across Hart and into the net.  Good goal, piss poor defending, bollocks.  New FIFA rules came into play after that as it’s clearly not against the rules to run away from the ball and forearm smash a player in the throat as Godin did to Sturridge.  Give a free kick for a forearm smash but it’s not worth a second yellow.  We fucked up the free kick and went in 1-0 down.

Surely the old fucker is going to get some energy on the pitch at the start of the second half but fucking not a bit of it.  Same XI the start the second half.  I’m sure Gerrard came onto the pitch in a fucking wheelchair with an oxygen mask on.  I’m sure Hodgson has put sedatives in the drinks at half time as we look even more half arsed after the break. Cavani got through and sitefooted a sitter wide of the far post.

Finally, someone on the England bench, probably Gary Neville, realises that we are going to achieve fuck all and makes a change with Sterling being the name pulled out of the hat to come off.  He’s been piss poor but equally, any of the front 6 could have come off.  Barkley is on and what do you know a bit more energy and dynamism and we immediately look a better team.  Rooney had another golden chance as he hammered in a shot from the edge of the box but having made the space he shouldn’t have given Muslera a chance but he pulled off a decent save.

With 15 minutes to go, the pressure paid off as Sturridge produced something for the first time and sent Johnson away who won a tackle and it bounced across the goal and Rooney this time, could not possibly miss and beat Muslera to make it 1-1.  So, a point isn’t bad at the end of the day and at least it gets us into the last game with a bit of a chance.  With 5 minutes to go, Muslera booms a ball forward, Gerrard takes his eye off it and flicks it on straight to Suarez who takes it on and smashes it past Hart to make it 2-1.  What was Gerrard doing?  Where was the centre half covering round? Fuck off.  In exactly the same way as against Germany 4 years ago, we’ve been done by a big boot forward that we’ve allowed to bounce.  I have no words for how shite it is to concede a goal in this way at a World Cup but we’ve done it, twice.  The last 5 minutes produce nothing of note.  Hodgson gives Rickie Lambert 4 minutes in place of Henderson who I had forgotten was playing.  What’s he supposed to do with 4 minutes Roy, you wanker? 

And so it came to pass that we lost. 2 out of 2 and then they start shitting on on TV about how we can still qualify if Italy win every game and then we beat Costa Rica and blah blah fucking blah.  No chance. For starters, we won’t beat Costa Rica.  If we get to that game and we’re not out yet then Hodgson will pick the same team again and wonder why we get the same inept tired bollocks and get beat again.  Let’s face it, it was always going to be difficult but a decent, brave manager would have realised that we needed legs out there.   I can’t believe I’m saying this as he’s such an inept footballer but James Milner would have added more than Gerrard out there today because at least he’d have got about the park. It’s all very well saying we had a young squad – yes we did but not enough of them were on the pitch.  You also had in-form players like Lallana who has had a great season, not being used and players who have been shite like Welbeck picked to start.  Then you have Rooney and our obsession with him and Roy falling into the same trap of every other England manager and picking him regardless and indulging him despite the fact he does nothing to warrant it.  It was actually one of his better games today –  and he was still very average.  Ross Barkley is going to end up like le Tissier – managers would never pick le Tiss and Gazza in the same side and Gazza was always going to be preferred.  The same is going to happen with Barkley and Rooney unless someone has the balls and you know that Roy Hodgson is not going to have the balls.  I’ll finish the England post-mortem after our inevitable exit next Tuesday.  I’m too pissed at the moment.

Group D – Japan 0 Greece 0

Boring.  Couldn’t be arsed to watch this after the England fiasco.  Like England, Two teams that won’t be missed.

The Italians console eachother as only they know how.

20/6/14

Group D – Italy 0 Costa Rica 1

There is something in you subconscious as a football fan that you will hope for any route possible for your team to get through to the next round.  However, relying as we are on an Italian win in this game, I’m really hoping that we are put out of our misery so I don’t have to listen to Chiles quoting mathematical equations on the probability of England going through.  Make no mistake, Italy were terrible but Costa Rica were decent with lots of energy and invention in their play – attributes that are in complete contrast with those of the England team.  They worked out that Pirlo was the best Italian player nd they didn’t give him time on the ball which is hardly a tactical masterstroke but it is one that was beyond Roy Hodgson.  Costa Rica really should have had a penalty just before half time as Chiellini clattered Campbell with the ball in a different post code but not given.  Unreal.... a minute later however they took the lead as Diaz put over a superb cross on the run from the left and Bryan Ruiz, who spent last season getting hounded out of Fulham, rose to head in off the underside of the bar.  Italy were marginally better int he second half without ever looking like scoring and so Costa Rica won and went though, Italy have a winner-take-all game vs Uruguay in which they need a draw... and England are shit and out and Balotelli loses his bet and doesn't get to kiss the Queen - he gets to stick his tongue in Camilla Parker-Bowles instead.

Group E – Switzerland 2 France 5

Laughably, Switzerland are ranked 6 in the world due to FIFA’s stupid system for working out rankings whereby you will rise by playing ropey sides in friendlies or by being Swiss like Sepp Blatter.  No payments have been accepted for this assertion.  Switzerland must have played a lot of ropey sies in friendlies to be ranked above France who tore them apart in the first half and were 3-0 up at half time.  They had this centre forward playing called Olivier Giroud who is no relation to the lump who ponces about up front for Arsenal.  Mind you he was helped by an enforced substitution for the Swiss which saw Phillippe Senderos, possibly the worst defender I’ve ever seen, come on to mark him.  Giroud just constantly bullied the hapless Senderos and rose unmarked to thump in a header from a corner for 1-0.  Within a minute it was two as Matuidi ran through the inside left channel without anyone going to challenge him and scored at Benaglio’s near post.  France managed to miss a penalty after that when Benzema’s poor effort was saved and Cabaye came up with a contender for miss of the  tournament by hitting the bar from the rebound from 5 yards with the keeper nowhere.  Not to be denied though, it was 3-0 just before half time as France broke and Giroud put a perfect pass in for Valbuena to score easily. 4-0 through Benzema and 5-0 when Sissoko took advantage of more shambolic defending.  The Swiss got a couple back as Dzemaili tried a free kick from 40 yards which Benzema stepped over in the wall to give his own keeper no chance and Xhaka scored easily as he beat the offside trap.  It has to be said that France look very very decent indeed but they’ll of course be playing better sides than Honduras and Switzerland.

Group E – Honduras 1 Ecuador 2

Ecuador were the attest team to have to man up against the Honduran kick-to-kill squad.  With both teams having lost their first game, the losers were all but gone.  Honduras took the lead with a goal straight out of the Allardyce coaching manual as a big hoof forward was allowed to bounce and Costly ran through and smashed it in for 1-0.  It was soon all square though as Paredes shanked a shot across the penalty area for the Valencia who’s not the shtty Manchester United one, diverted it in.  Honduras really should have gone back in front but Costly’s header pooled onto the post and Bengtson then tried to claim that he’d scored from the rebound, despite clearly punching the ball in with his forearm, the cheating little bastard.  Euador looked the team most likely in the second half and duly won it when Ayovi swung in a free kick and Enner Valencia once more was the man on the spot to score.  Chances are that both of these teams will be heading out but I’m sure France will rest a few versus Ecuador so you never know.

Safe to say, No Iran fans looked like this.

21/6/13

Group G - Germany 2 Ghana 2

The first half of this was pretty poor as Germany huffed and puffed but Ghana played the better football and so we arrived a half time at 0-0 and maybe Germany aren’t the all conquering super power that they are made out to be.  One thing that will never be in doubt though is that they are lucky bastards as 10 minutes in the second half, Thomas Muller crossed and Gotze scored as he ran in, bollocksed up his header but it hit his knee as it dropped off his face and flew into the net.  Ghana equalised straight away with a proper header from Andre Ayew and we were looking at a very amusing scoreline 10 minutes later as Lahm gave the ball away to Muntari who slipped it through for Gyan who smashed it past Neuer.  Ze Germans never just lie down and give up though and sent on Schweinsteiger and Klose and the latter scored with his first tough from 6 inches out to draw level with the proper Ronaldo in terms of World Cup Finals goals.  It seemed inevitable that ze Germans would go on and win but Ghana held out and got the point they deserved and fair play.  Anything that stalls ze Germans is good news.  Germany will of course go through but Ghana now have a shout if they can beat Portugal.

Group F - Argentina 1 Iran 0

Argentina must have looked at this game when the draw was made and thought it was going to be a slaughter.  Messi and Aguero and di Maria against…. Who exactly? Ashkan Dejagah from relegated Fulham.  The expected massacre didn’t materialize though – Garaty missed a sitter with a header and Aguero should have scored but Iran had their moments on the break suggesting that the Argentine defence is going to be their undoing again as it was 4 years ago under that fat little ‘hand of God’ tosser.  Irn have a player called Ghoochannejhad and on the back of his shirt it says ‘Reza’ so that’ll do from now on.  Anyway, he got in a great header in the second half and Romero had to claw it away as Iran played with a belief and a spirit that made England look embarrassing.  The Argies had their moments mostly through Messi but Iran could so easily have been in front.  There was a penalty should where Zabaleta scraped the top of the ball and his follow through cleaned out Dejagah.  There’s no way that the ref could have seen the brush on the ball so how has he not given that as a pen.  Regardless, Dejagah forced a top drawer save out of Romero again as he attempted a van Persie header over the keeper but he just got his claws to it.  Reza had another chance as he raced away with Romero saving well again but with 93 on the clock, Messi picked up the ball 25 yards out and curled a wonderful shot into the far corner of the net.  They were lucky and they celebrated like they’d just scored against England in a winner-takes-the-Falklands match.  I wish England could play like Iran though.

Group F - Nigeria 1 Bosnia-Herzigovina 0

Two of the more boring teams produced a game which was decent in parts.  Again there was a shocker from a lino as Dzeko was put through, miles onside, only to slot it home and it not be given.  Again it changed the game as Nigeria soon scored as a pull back from the right was slotted in by Odemwingie who was playing for his next transfer.  Bosnian midfielder Pjanic was on a one man mission to get Edin Dzeko a goal but he continued to miss for the rest of the match, capping it all in the last few minutes by scuffing a shot from 8 yards which hit the keepers foot and hit the post.  Nigeria held on and Bosnia are on their way home.

World Cup 2014 Part 2 - Germany in Ruthless Efficiency Shocker

Honduras in Red Card Shocker

15/6/14

Group C – Ivory Coast 2 Japan 1

This is the ghost game of the tournament, played as it was at 2am GMT.  Japan started well and played some nice football and took the lead with a great strike by Keisuke Honda.  Ivory Coast were displaying everything that you’d expect with some awesome pace and power, combined with undisciplined and basically psss-poor defending.  The tide was turning gradually and it seemed a metter of time before the Ivorians scored and it came after half time when a cross from the right by Aurier was powered in by Bony.  A minute later and the game had completely turned around as Aurier played in another superb cross onto the very sizeable forehead of Gervinho whose header should have been kept out by Kawashima but he allowed it to dribble inside the near post.  Nice for Gervinho and his forehead to get a  goal and it turned out to be the winner.

Group E – Switzerland 2 Ecuador 1

I though that this would be a boring cagey affair but it was anything but.  Switzerland (whose presence at Number 6 in the World Rankings prove that the World Rankings are a joke) went behind when they forgot to mark at a free kick and Enner Valencia had a free header which he buried in the same way that he buried the one against England in the warm-up game.  Half time came and went and Switzerland brought on Mehmedi and he managhed to score with his first touch as Ecuador forgot that marking at a coner is kind of essential and a free header from 5 yards is not a good thing to allow.  The second half was end to end with the Swiss having a perfectly legitimate goal ruled out for a non-existent offside.  In the 93^rd minute with both teams still going for it, Ecuador broke up field and Enner Valencia chose the wrong option and lost the ball instead of playing an easy pass. Away went the Swiss and despite a scything attemped foul, the ref allowed Bahrami to play on and two passes later, Seferovic was on hand to sweep it first time into the net.  94^th minute winner and lovely. 

Group E – France 3 Honduras 0

The kick-to-kill Hondurans were up next against France who are a decent outside bet to do well in the tournament despite being robbed of Franck Ribery before the tournament. France were obviously a different class to their opponents and known thug Wilson Palacios managed to kick it all off by smashing into Pogba who retaliated a bit and we had the first 16 man brawl of the tournament.  Back to the football and the game was effectively over just before half time when Palacios brought down Benzema for a penalty and a red card and Benzema picked himself up to score.  France played within themselves, probably trying not to get injured and scored twice more though a horrible bobbly effort that the keeper juggled over the line and a last minute effort from Benzema to get off to a decent start.   The own goal brought a goal awarded by goal line technology but still, even with the ball over the line and proved by technology, Jonathan Pierce was still convinced it wasn’t in.  What a complete cock.

Group F – Argentina 2 Bosnia-Herzegovina 1

Argentina have virtually been given a bye through to the next round but the most difficult of their games was up first as they played Bosnia-Herzigovina.  Within 5 minutes it was even easier as Messi swung in a free kick and Kolasinac stuck it in his own net.  I think you’ll find that Messi is good enough to not need anyone’s help.  Far from being the cakewalk that everyone expected, the rest of the fist half was quite dull but the main man lit up the second as he scampered towards the box, played a 1-2 with Higuain and beat a couple more before firing in off the post.  Again it should have been the queue for more goals and for Argentina to show their dominance but it didn’t and Bosnia pulled one back with 5 to go as Ibisevic poked one through the keepers legs.  No real alarms in the last 5 minutes but maybe Argentina aren’t as good as they are reckoned to be.  Lets hope that they’re average.

Even though it's Germany, it's always amusing when it's Ronaldo

16/6/14

Group G - Germany 4 Portugal 0

Speaking as someone who had a bet on Portugal to win the whole thing, I was looking forward to this game and Ronaldo beating ze Germans on his own.  You expect Germany to be, well Germany but I expected Portugal to have more flair and put up a decent showing.  10 minutes in and Germany score through a Thomas Muller penalty as the Portuguese defence decide it’s much better to grab someone’s arm and throw them over than actually defend properly.  Half an hour in and it’s 2-0 as they allow Hummels a free header from a corner which he buries.  What you want from your big experienced players is for them to stand up and be counted but Ronaldo was missing in action and Pepe first threw an arm in Muller’s face and then just to make sure that the referee did something, he dropped the nut on him when he was on the ground.  Off you go and if the Portuguese manager has any bollocks then he’ll send him home.  Muller is a whiny little bitch and made the most of the challenge but Pepe is a complete asshole and deserves everything he gets. Just as half time approached and Portugal could maybe have regrouped, Bruno Alves tried to clear from inside the box and instead hit it against Muller who turned and smashed in the third.  The second half was damage limitation for Portugal and the sight of Ballon D’Or winner Ronaldo sulking about whenever he lost the ball was a sight to behold.  Brilliant player but a shit attitude.  Ze Germans made it 4-0 and Muller got his hat-trick when he pounced on a rebound after the keeper parried Schurrle’s shot.

Overall, ze Germans looked fucking scary.  The three attacking midfielders in Ozil, Gotze and Muller were unplayable and though I hate to say it, they look superb as a team.  Hope lies in the fact that they’ve started the last couple of tournaments very well before feeling the pressure and blowing it and lets hope they do the same this time and keep up their 18 year trophy drought.  As he left the pitch, Ronaldo ripped off his shirt but he didn’t pull the Mr Muscles pose – I assume because his impending book already has a cover.

Group F - Iran 0 Nigeria 0

Well it had to happen.  Every game so far had had its share of goals and excitement and then we had Iran v Nigeria.  Nigeria has to make the running as Iran defended and that isn’t easy when your midfield fulcrum is John Obi Mikel.  He wears the symbolic No.10 shirt as well which really says ‘I’m the man and I make things happen’ only it doesn’t when you stroll around like it’s all too much effort for you. The less said about this game the better as it was shite.  Nigeria’s main striker is Shola Ameobi for fucks sake and the fact that Nigeria desperately wanted him to declare for them rather than wait for an England call up says it all really.  This was a good point for Iran but piss poor from Nigeria who will struggle to cause Argentina and Bosnia any problems on this showing.

Group G - Ghana 1 USA 2

Whoever loses this is basically out as they have 2 matches to go against Germany and Portugal so it’s important to make a decent start.  I expect that both managers said this to their players as they went out so I expect the Ghana boss was very pissed off when they were playing statues as the USA tore into them and scored after 35 seconds.  Clint Dempsey was the man, he of the contorted face and acting like he’s been shot and imploring the referee every time he’s in a challenge.  Jozy Altidore or to give him his full title, Jozy Altidore, one of the worst players I’ve ever seen, did the US a favour by limping off but not before he’s missed a sitter by drilling at the keeper when he had the whole goal to aim at.  An even first half ended and Ghana dominated after the restart but it took until the 82 minute for them to equalize though Ayew.  Their relief was short lived though as they allowed Brookes to score with a header from a corner and the USA had won – tossers.  The only saving grace is that they are very unlikely to make the next round.  They are of course managed by Jurgen Klinsmann which is another reason to hate them.  He celebrates goals as a manager in the same way he did as a player and whilst it’s good to see passion on the sidelines – he’ll always be the twat who made diving an artform in the 90s.

World Cup Part 15 - Look Wot You Dung!!!

Picture of Dunga often used in Brazilan Press.

FRIDAY 2nd JULY

Quarter Final Day 1 and first up was Holland v Brazil in a match that could be a classic and it could be an attack v defence training game bore. The game got what it needed in the 10th minute when Robinho latched onto a through ball and the nearest Dutch defender may as well have been in Amsterdam as he stroked it first time past Stekelenberg The rest of the first half was a case of Brazil hammering on the door and the Dutch just about keeping them out which was surprising, given that their two centre backs are ‘average’ Premier League players in Heitinga and Ooijer. Mind you, England had several ‘good’ premier League players and look where that got us. Kaka’s curled effort brought a brilliant save from Stekelenberg and right on half time, Dani Alves rolled the ball into the path of Maicon who had visions of Carlos Alberto 1970 in his eyes as he fired wide.

Having not created much at all in the first half, it was a major surprise when Holland equalised. Robben stayed on his feet and laid back to Schneijder who crossed into the box. In truth he overhit it and it was keepers ball all day long but with Julio Cesar didn’t call or Felipe Melo ignored him and the latter flicked it into the net as the keeper missed his punch. It goes down as an own goal but for me it’s a big keeper error as he gets nowhere near it. Back came Brazil and Kaka had all the time in the world to measure a sidefoot volley which drifted wide which he regretted soon after as a Robben corner was flicked on by Kuyt for Schneijder , all five foot two of him, to head home.

Remember when you were a kid and you played a team that never lost and when you beat them, they just lost their rag because they weren’t used to it? Well, Brazil found themselves behind which they hardly ever do and so Felipe Melo decided to make things even more difficult by pointlessly stamping on Robben. I know he’s annoying and he’s been diving about all game but doing that is one of the more fuckwitted things you will see at this or any World Cup. Off you go. The remaining 20 minutes were interesting in that Holland had chances to score more but ballsed up the final pass and aside from one corner which Stekelenberg missed when it sailed across the goal about three yards out, Brazil didn’t do much and so, big shock, Brazil out and Holland through. Fair play to the Dutch for a gutsy win and spare a thought for Dunga who was never the most popular with the Brazilian press anyhow. Imagine the English tabloids if he was England manager with a name like Dunga…

Uruguay versus everyone’s new favourite team in the evening match and I personally was expecting a Uruguay win as I couldn’t see Ghana putting in two performances in a row. The first half was pretty dull before springing to life in injury time, due to a 35 yarder from a player who the manager wanted to send home earlier in the tournament. Sulley Muntari picked it up just over halfway, lumbered forward a bit and let fly from miles out. Keeper Muslera took two steps to his right before watching the ball veer the other way and end up beating him to the left. This reopens the Jubulani debate again as did the Uruguay equalizer when Forlan’s free kick was heading to the near post before turning right and flying in at the far post which goalkeeper Kingson disappearing up his own arse, trying to change direction in mid air. It looked great but it’s a joke really – there is no way Forlan know the ball was going to do that and there was no chance of Kingson stopping it. In short, it was a fluke as it could have gone anywhere so we have a World Cup Quarter Final being decided on who gets lucky. A couple of chances for Suarez of Uruguay before 90 minutes was up, one into the side netting after a brilliant cross from Forlan and one tipped over by Kingson who showed good reactions to palm over.

Extra time and everyone (including Marcel Desailly) seemed to think that Ghana would tire but they were the better side throughout the extra half and hour and were pressing as we entered the 120th minute. A cross into the box, Muslera comes and flaps and the ball falls to Appiah who smashes it goalwards which Suarez somehow clears it as far as Adiya who heads goalwards where two Uruguayans try to handball it and Suarez succeeds and is duly sent off. The referee signals that it will be the last kick like something out of Ry of the Rovers and Asamoah Gyan, who has already score two penalties in the tournament, steps up and hits the bar and over. You oculd have heard a termite fart for a second before the ref blew to signal the penalty shootout.

I knew that Ghana were now going to lose and so it came to pass that despite Gyan making up for his miss, Uruguay win the shootout 4-2 with Abreu, who looks like he’s homeless, chipping the winning penalty into the middle of the net like a complete arrogant bastard. Ghana’s two misses in the shootout were bloody terrible as Mensah, the brute of a centre half, took a one pace run up and took a penalty that a five year old girl could have hit harder. Adiya’s miss was not as bad but again, he didn’t hit it hard enough to make the keeper have to do anything special – if he went the right way, he saved it. Perez missed one for Uruguay – I think he was trying to kick it back to Montevideo.

So, Holland v Uruguay in the World Cup Semi Final – you wouldn’t have bet on that. Ghana have been brilliant and England could learn a lot from them about playing as a team and having pride in the shirt. Sadly, all Ghana have picked up from the English game is how to lose penalty shootouts but they really should have gone through with the pen in the 120th minute. They must be gutted – not even England have managed to go out in that fashion. Uruguay's Suarez will get some flak for punching the ball off the line but show me a fan who'd condemn a player who did that for their own team in that situation and I'll show you a big far wobbly dangly liar.

World Cup Part 11 - Do the Desailly

A night on the piss with Mick Jagger or home to the wife ?

SATURDAY 26th JUNE

Straight into the ‘Round of the Last 16’ as all the TV commentators somewhat pompously call it. We’ve dispensed with the 12.30 kick offs and so we now have 3pm and 7.30pm which when I started watching football, were the only kick off times. None of this 5.45 bollocks back then. Uruguay and South Korea were first up and I’m still having trouble looking at the draw and realising that one semi finalist is going to be out of these two teams, Ghana and the USA. No point in fretting now but of course, England should be where the USA are but like I said… no point in fretting through gritted teeth or otherwise.

Uruguay started the stronger and looked the more likely and soon took the lead as Forlan crossed low from the left and the keeper kind of went for it and then didn’t and then fell over and almost left it – all of which gave Luis Suarez a tap in on the back post. Either sie of half time, the Koreans were the better side and deservedly equalised when Lee Chung Yong beat Muslera (the Uruguay goalkeeper) and headed home for the first goal Uruguay have conceded. Twenty minutes to go and all to play for but it was Uruguay who won with a quite brilliant goal from Suarez who created space for himself on the edge of the box and curled a right footed shot, in off the far post. His celebration was good too, running off behind the goal and leaping over the photographers. I thought he looked crap in the first couple of games as well and he’s now equal tournament top scorer with 3.

The evening game saw the final African representatives, Ghana, playing England…. Sorry, the USA. I’ve managed to steer clear of local English League stuff mostly in the World Cup blogs but….. after five minutes, Kevin-Prince-Skate-Bastard ran through from the half way line and placed a shot inside the near post of the badly position Tourette Tim who said ‘bugger, fuck, near post, shit, wank, bad positioning, twat, bollocks’. Having pointed out the ‘DAVID VILLA’ thing yesterday, why the fuck does the soon-to-be-ex-Skate have ‘PRINCE’ on the back of his shirt. The rest of the first half was a bit nip and tuck but in the second, following a couple of substitutions, the Americans were much better and it seemed a matter of time before they equalised which they duly did as Dempsey was hacked down in the box and Donovan converted the spot kick via the inside of the post. A word on Dempsey… he’s a big old unit, good in the air and strong but he’s a big fucking girl. The super slo-mo high def replays highlight this as you can see he’s pulling a ridiculous ‘pain face’ before the Ghanian has even touched him. He always follows this up by lying on the ground for a few minutes. Be a man you tosser. Other replays show Bill Clinton giving it large. He’s in a private box but we don’t know who she is. Also celebrating like a mad man is well known American, Mick Jagger from the American state of Kent.

90 minutes and extra time starts and the Americans look the stronger but their Achilles hell (crap defence) comes to the party when a big punt forward brings a challenge between Gyan and Bocanegra. Bocanegra tries to barge him over and actually nuts him but Gyan stands up and lashes a left footer over Tourette Tim for 2-1. Brilliant strike and one which Dempsey would never have made because he’d have been lying on the ground with his pain face on. The Americans are a bit of a busted flush now and have a couple of half chances but the Ghana keeper, Richard Kingson and the whole defence and midfield play superbly for the remainder of extra time and they hang on. Brilliant and Africa goes nuts… none more so than Marcel Desailly who is dancing around and not making too much sense in his excitement as befits a man who won 116 International Caps. Think how excited he would have been if he’d won them for Ghana instead of France after deciding to play for them instead of his country of birth. To be fair – he was only 4 when he moved to France and learned all his football there.

Anyhow, I predicted both the winners so hopefully that will continue tomorrow….

Bring it on…. and now over the Franz Beckenbauer for the England team talk.

World Cup Part 8 - Anyone for Penalties ?

Remember this Franz ?

WEDNESDAY 23rd JUNE

Today it was all about England, who, lest we forget, have been abysmal so far. All the permutations had been analysed but let’s cut to the chase here, win and we’re through, anything else and we’re out. Yes we could technically go though with a draw but it’d have to be 3-3 or something so unlikely. After all the shite since the Algeria game, England replaced the suspended Carragher with Upson, replaced Blind Alley Lennon with James Milner and replaced Sack-of-Shit Heskey with Jermain Defoe. Steven Gerrard was still stuck out on the left so I was expecting another disjointed performance.

The first 10 minutes were dreadful and a continuation of the Algeria match. Slovenia didn’t look upto much but neither did England. England should have felt like they were at home with vociferous backing from the crowd and a cabbage patch to play on, just like Wembley. Milner was having a shocker for England for the first 20 minutes with every single touch resulting in the ball being given away. The next time he got it though he fired in a peach of a cross where the onrushing Defoe nipped in front of his marker and smashed it over the keeper for 1-0.

For the rest of the first half it was all England with the Slovenian keeper being an irritating bastard and saving everything. The save he made from Gerrard’s side footer was particularly annoying as I’d had one of those moment when you stand up and yell ‘goal’ before sheepishly sitting down and getting something to mop up the drink you’ve just spilt.

Half time and 1-0 to England and the Yanks are 0-0 with Algeria meaning as it stands, England are going through as top of the group. There have been chances for both sides in this match but the US have had a goal disallowed that looked onside and Altidore has put a volley on the moon when he was only 4 yards out.

England came flying out again in the second half and should have made it 2-0 straight away when another Milner cross was punched as far as Barry who returned it to Defoe who flapped at it rather and scuffed it wide. As the half wore on, more chances came and went as the bloody keeper saved again from a JT header and managed to tip a Rooney shot from 6 yards onto the post. In truth, that was a dreadful miss – OK a good save but he shouldn’t have even seen the ball, let alone managed to get anywhere near it.

Rooney was soon subbed and replaced with Joe Cole before the moment we’d all been waiting for, the introduction of Heskey in place of the goalscorer Defoe. Slovenia in truth didn’t get near the goal but all the back 4 at one time or another made important blocks at vital times. It was nervy, solely because it was only 1-0 but the final whistle went and we were through and were top of the group…. and then the bloody Americans scored to win 1-0 and top the group, meaning we were now finishing 2nd and in the toughest half of the draw. In the post match analysis, Gary Lineker pointed out that due to Landon Donovan’s last minute goal, we’d now be in the half of the draw that would contain Argentina, Germany and Spain.. Who do I blame… Landon Donovan… nope, he was doing his job… Robert Green… we have a winner!!! To be honest, I don’t give a toss – we’re through and that’s all that matters. Spare a thought for Slovenia who were qualifying until the last minute goal for the US which was watched by Bill Clinton who will probably not be having sexual relations with any woman tonight. He’ll probably be having it with 3 or 4.

England marks….

David James 8 - Faultless, didn’t have much to do but did everything well. It’s a funny day when you realise that James is a calming presence on the back 4 . he may be nearly 40 but he’s still the best we have by a mile.
Glen Johnson 6 – not too clever at times and picked up a booking
John Terry 8 – the perfect game for him against two big lumpy centre forwards, a couple of great last ditch blocks as well. Didn’t shag anybody.
Matthew Upson 7 – I was dreading him playing but he did ok. Would have got a 6 but for an excellent tackle right at the death.
Ashley Cole 7 – Constant threat going forward and sound defensively. Divorce proceedings obviously not bothering him.
James Milner 8 – some of his play was poor but the delivery into the box was everything that Lennon and Wright-Phillips can only dream of.
Frank Lampard 7 – Dug in well and made some forward breaks without ever getting the ball at the right time.
Gareth Barry 7 – Steady Eddie was steady.
Steven Gerrard 7 – Stuck to his wing more than usual and some good interchanges with the forwards. unlucky not to score.
Wayne Rooney 6 – Obviously still bothered by something and should have scored. Ankle knock forced him off with 20 to go.
Jermain Defoe 7 – didn’t do much other than score – we’ll let him off.
Joe Cole 6 – Some nice pissing about by the corner flag to waste the last few minutes.
Emile Heskey ? Not enough time to be truly dreadful.

Oh yeah, Fabio’s interview – brilliant. He really cares.

Now to the evening where Ghana played Germany and Serbia played Australia. There were many permutations that could have happened but the only ones I was interested in were ‘Germany lose…’ and ‘Germany draw and Serbia win’ which both of course meant that Germany and Franz were gone.

Both matches were 0-0 at half time and dream of a German exit were dashed on the hour mark when Mesut Oezil smashed Germany in front from the edge of the box. Australia then threatened to make it interesting by scoring two goals in a couple of minutes through Cahill and Holman before Serbia immediately pulled one back when Mark Schwarzer coughed up a Jubulani shot and Pantelic poked in the rebound and that was the end of the scoring meaning that Germany won the group with Ghana going through in 2nd to at least give Africa a team in the 2nd Round. The Aussies and Serbia went out and will be missed by not many people I expect.

And the kicker…. Germany v England in the 2nd Round on Sunday. I wonder if Franz regrets having a pop at England now. Anybody for penalties.... do you fancy it Franz?

World Cup Part 4 - Taxi for Heskey & Podolski

Laugh....? Oh yes...

FRIDAY 18th JUNE

Germany against Serbia was supposed to provide evidence that Germany were the new football master race and Franz Beckenbauer certainly expected this to be the case. The opening 20 minutes of the game wasn’t pretty and it was never going to be as the referee booked anyone who made any sort of challenge for the ball. Klose, the main German –Polish striker made the mistake of trying to tackle someone on two separate occasions and was sent off on the half hour mark. Whilst they were still re-organizing, they want 1-0 down as the right winger skinned the useless lump of a German left back (Batstuber), crossed and it was converted by Jovanovic. I always find it amusing when Germany concede but especially when they’ve just had a man sent off because it implies a lack of organization and efficiency, doesn’t it Franz. The game meandered on and the pivotal moment came when Vidic pointlessly, stupidly and ridiculously, dived to head a ball in his own penalty area and handled it, under pressure from no one. Up stepped the German-Polish striker Podolski to ruthless despatch the penalty with typical German efficiency…. Only he missed it, Ha ha fucking ha, must have been his Polish heritage coming to the fore. And then they gave up and did nothing for the remaining 20 minutes and their young team looked a bit like little boys lost. Great stuff and well done Serbia.

USA and Slovenia in england’s group was up next and to my delight, Slovenia raced into a 2-0 lead which lasted until half time and the Yanks looked doomed. Tourette Tim Howard said “shit, fuck, bugger, fuck, wank, Heskey”. Sadly, the US came out and scored through Landon Donovan straight after half time and from then on, looked the more likely winners. The managers’ nipper equalized with ten minutes and two minutes later they had the ball in the net again and it was disallowed. The cross came over and the whistle went for the foul – then someone stuck it in the net. It’s not a if anyone at any point thought it was a goal so stop bloody going on about it. The game ended 2-2 which was a pretty decent result for England.

The evening kick off of course bought England round again, this time against Algeria who are thought to be generally crap and England should win comfortably and with style and stick Franz’s words right up his arse. After the Green fiasco in the last match and the media explosion that followed, the 100% correct decision was taken by Capello to put David James in goal. More debateable however were the decisions to bring in Gareth Barry and move England’s best outfield player and captain to the left wing and keep Emily Heskey in the team. You can’t call Heskey a striker because he doesn’t ever ‘strike’. Replace the work ‘strike’ with ‘wank’ and you’re getting there.

England again look disjointed and there is nothing happening up front with Rooney not getting the ball which if you remember, is the only reason that Heskey is in the team for. Gareth Barry is doing ok in his first game for 6 weeks and Gerrard is flitting in and out with some sort of intent. Algeria begin to look a bit threatening and soon the ball comes down from the sky on top of James and he flaps it away in none to convincing fashion and it’s like Rob Green is still here. From and Algerian corner, taken by Belhadj, James makes a superb catch under pressure and suddenly, Rob Green is history. Note that James is an England player and Belhadj (and Yebda for that matter) are Skate Bastards.

It’s all a big load of nothing for the rest of the first half and in we go at 0-0 but most worrying is that we’ve hardly had a shot aside from a Lampard effort which was clawed away by the keeper. The second half begins and Carragher gets booked, ruling him out of the Slovenia match. Following this, Capello has obviously despaired at the fact that Lennon has not managed a single decent run or pass all game and replaces him with Joe Cole… oh no he doesn’t, he replaces him with Shaun Wright-Phillips. Heskey gets the ball out on the right wing and surges upfield with what looks like real intent until he is confronted by the left back, at which point he stumbles over the ball before regaining his balance and hoofing it behind the goal – fucking clown. He is eventually put out of his misery and replaced with Defoe who immediately snapped a shot just over the bar. Crouchie gets his token 8 minutes at the end but never really gets on the ball as he’s such a difficult guy to give the ball to, being 8 foot 3 and all that.

And so it ended, 0-0, absolute shit.

James 8 – one flap aside, proved what everyone already knew which is that he should have played the USA match. I reckon that if he had we would have beaten USA and would have therefore also beaten Algeria.
Johnson 5 – Some poor defending and not a lot going forward.
A.Cole 7 – Totally committed and gave us some decent width on the left.
Terry 7 – Solid, didn’t have much to do, managed to keep his dick in his pants
Lennon 3 – Shite to be honest – again proving that Walcott should be out there
Barry 6 – Tired but at least you could always see what he was trying to do
Lampard 3 – Barry’s inclusion was supposed to allow him to drive forward and dominate the game – he didn’t.
Gerrard 6 – Flitted about, looked willing but it’s so obvious he hates playing out on the left… also, the passed it when he had a sight of goal which he NEVER does for Liverpool, causing me to swear out loud which in turn caused my 11 year old daughter to leave the room in disgust
Heskey 0 – not his fault he gets picked but he’s shite and enough is enough. You cannot expect to win a World Cup with a centre forward who is not a goal threat and if a striker is not confident then he’s never going to be any use. Not a striker, a wanker.
Rooney 2 – Alarmingly bad. If he wasn’t who he is then he would have been substituted. Brett Ormerod would have done better to be honest. No fight, no enthusiasm, no strength, no ball control – absolutely nothing… and then an ill thought out swipe at the England fans for booing. Get a grip boy…
Wright-Phillips 1 – Garbage – should never have been in the 30, let alone the 23, let alone on the pitch, one trick pony of the worst kind, just pace and nothing else.
Defoe 6 – At least looked lively
Crouch ? – Not enough time again.

I’ve been a big fan of Fabio Capello up to now but he’s worrying me. The ignoring of Joe Cole, the inclusion of Heskey and Wright-Phillips, Gerrard on the left, shit players in the squad (Carrick, Upson, Wright-Phillips), better ones at home (Parker, Adam Johnson, Jagielka, Walcott), dodgy substitutions, picking Green for the USA game… and I’m worried he’s going to bring in Upson for the suspended Carragher on Wednesday and Upson is another player who should not be out there as he’s had a crap season….. also, in order for England to do anything, our big players have to perform and these are Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney. Lampard and Rooney have been shocking so far and unless they sort it out, we’re going home early. I can see us scraping the win to get us though to the last 16 but if we line up against Slovenia with Heskey in the side then we’re coming home on Wednesday. My side would be James; Johnson, Dawson, Terry, A.Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Barry, J.Cole; Gerrard; Rooney. If he wants to play two out and out strikers though, there has to be a case for leaving out Lampard and of course, Heskey must not play...ever... again

SATURDAY 19th JUNE

Didn’t watch much today as I was on the beer. The odd snippet of Holland and Japan was viewed though my glass as Holland won 1-0 with a Jubulani goal as Wesley Schneijder hit a shot that the keeper dived right for, only to see it disappear over his left shoulder and into the net. Holland closed it out and are the first team through to the next round.

Following their pasting by Germany, Australia took the lead v Ghana before Harry Kewell was sent off for handball and Ghana made it 1-1 from the resulting penalty. In case you’re reading Harry, you handle it on the line when the ball was going in, you get a red card, you get off the fucking pitch, you don’t hang around arguing for 10 minutes while the rest of us look at replays which clearly show you handling the ball on the goal line, making you look even more like the bell end I suspect that you are. I have never like Harry Kewell, a classic ‘wage packet’ player who has loads of ability but a shit attitude.

A shocking pass across their own penalty by a Dane, gave the ball to Samuel Eto’o who said thanks very much and smashed it in the net. Denmark equalized when the walking wig that is Nicklas Bendtner slid in a Rommedahl cross. Chances apleanty for both side but Rommedahl won it for Denmark when a Cameroon defender waved him past and he curled a nice shot into the far corner which made Cameroon the first team to go out.

World Cup Part 1 - Robert Green

Behind You, You Fucking Idiot

FRIDAY 11th JUNE

France v Uruguay was my pick for Day 1, mainly because I was out for South Africa v Mexico. That particular game ended 1-1 which was a shame as I want South Africa out as soon as possible. I am still scarred by the 2002 World Cup in South Korea when fair play went out the window and some incredibly odd refereeing decisions helped Korea to the Semi finals. So – as we have another minnow hosting the thing, I want them out in the group phase before it becomes important. I listened to a bit of it on the radio or rather, I listened to the Vuvuzela noise of a thousand wasps and a commentator trying to shout over the top of it – I will not refer to the Vuvuzela again and it shall be referred to as ‘Those Fucking Horns’. I tuned into France v Uruguay hoping to see two strong teams who would ensure South Africa get knocked out. However, Uruguay qualified through a playoff and we all know how France got there with the Hand of Henry.

A lot of the names in the French team are familiar though the Champions League and you always expect them to be a decent side but lets cut quickly to the chase here – they are shite and when you look at the players they have and the manager they have, it’s not surprising. Lloris in goal is OK and the back 4 is alright with Gallas, Sagna and Evra in there, along with Abidal who is a shocking player who happens to play for Barcelona, one of the biggest clubs in the world. It’s an interesting phenomenon where you have a shite player playing for a great club. Think Djimi Traore at Liverpool and you’re getting there with Abidal – big donkey. Replacing ZZ in midfield they have Yoann Gourcuff who is just bollocks. Gets it, gives it away, crosses it over everyone. Then you have Franck Ribery who (if you believe the media) was attracting bids of 60 million Euro last summer. Average at best and a graduate from the Iain Dowie / Brett Ormerod School of Beauty. Thierry Henry’s legs have gone so no more Va-va-voom and that leaves Anelka who never really got the ball unless he dropped back to the half way line. Worst of the lot was Sidney Govou who was picked ahead of Florent Malouda who has had a brilliant season. Govou was a complete embarrassment until he was eventually substituted by the genius that is Raymond Domenech, manager of the Century. The best thing about France is that I have them in the sweepstake, along with Japan, who I feel will get me more points.

The game…? Oh yeah, it was dreadful and 0-0 and they should have refunded all the admission money to the paying customers who bought a ticket thinking they were going to see a football match.

SATURDAY 12th JUNE

Day 2 saw South Korea beat Greece 2-0 and Argentina hammer Nigeria 1-0. with Argentina, all the focus is on the fat, cocaine snorting, cheating bastard and not on the players they have on the pitch which is a shame because any team that has Messi, Tevez and Higuain in it is worth watching, for more so than that little shit. Of course, Day 2 saw England play the USA.

Due to unbelievable timing, my missus needed picking up from Southampton Airport at 7.10 with the game kicking off at 7.30 so I missed the first five minutes. I was listening to Those Fucking Horns on the radio when Gerrard scored and nearly crashed the car but luckily I was the only car on the motorway. Home and in front of the TV, sorted, Robert Green, oh my god. Usually I would let rip big style but I’m sharing a sofa with my kids, aged 5, 9 and 11 so I managed to restrict it to ‘idiot’ as I threw myself back into the chair. ‘Dad… why did he do that ?’. ‘Yes son, I know you would have stopped it and you’re only 5 and yes, Grandma would have stopped it and she’s been dead 5 years’.

After half time, Lennon puts Heskey through with just the keeper to beat. I was transported back a couple of years to Bradley Wright-Phillips playing for Saints. He’s clean through and I’m not on the edge of my seat, I know he’s not going to score so what’s the point in getting excited. Blam, straight at the keeper. I just shut my eyes and sighed. Talking of Wright-Phillips, Shaun gets the ball laid to him on a plate by Rooney and he too has just the keeper to beat and instead of smashing it, he tamely chips into Tourette Tim Howard’s hands. I sigh again and then the camera shows SWP clearly laughing. I ask him ‘WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT YOU DICKHEAD ?’ to the mild amusement of my 9 year old but the 11 year old is a bit of a sensitive type and goes to find her mum. Apparently she said that ‘Daddy’s not been too bad but he’s just said a naughty word…. But it’s ok, as it’s one I’m familiar with’.

Moving on and Altidore skins Carragher and bobbles a shot at the near post which Green again makes a complete ricket of and it bounces off his hand onto the post and out. Imagine if he’d added a near post bobbler to the one he let in earlier. He should have got a good hand to it and pushed it round the post but thank Christ he got lucky this time. England have the better of the play and create chances with Lampard and Rooney going close but nothing’s really happening and it ends 1-1, not a disaster, not a great start.

My England Marks out of 10 are:
Green 0 – just abysmal goalkeeping, no excuses, just crap, off you go, never play for England again, you’re not good enough, you’ve been crap all year for West Ham as well.
Johnson 8 – storming game, some great runs forward and solid enough at the back
A.Cole 7 – not too bad though didn’t offer much going forward but good to see that his divorce isn’t playing on his mind too much.
Terry 7 – Solid, kept his concentration and didn’t shag anyone
King 5 – Slow and injured at half time, not a surprise on either count.
Lennon 6 – Very quick, very erratic, better than Walcott?
Lampard 6 – Not seen much but was playing anchor role in midfield which he did well at even though it’s foreign to him.
Gerrard 8 – Great goal and some good tackling. A real Bryan Robson performance – very impressed
Milner 4 – Ran about for half and hour, got booked, did nothing. Wasn’t fit, shouldn’t have played.
Rooney 6 – Looked dangerous when he got the ball which wasn’t often. Would do better up there on his own.
Heskey 6 – Same old same old, set up the goal but when we needed him to score, bollocksed the best chance of the match and the sad thing is – everyone (including himself and Capello) knew that he would.
Wright-Phillips 4 – Rubbish, not good enough to play in his best position and certainly not good enough to play on the other side.
Carragher 6 – He did ok aside from the aforementioned skinning. I expect him to play the next game from the start.
Crouch ? Not enough time for our big centre forward who can actually score goals.

Disappointed but following England has never been easy. Today was mainly worrying because the first cracks appeared in Fabio Capello’s selection with his main decisions being Green in goal, King at centre back and Milner on the wing. These all went wrong but of course it all comes down to the goalkeeper. If he’d saved that and we won 1-0, then no one would be talking about the things that weren’t quite right. I trust him to get the right team on the pitch for the Algeria match, one that includes David James, Joe Cole and Gareth Barry.

SUNDAY 13th JUNE

Germany against Australia was up on the next day and I expected this to be similar to England v USA. The ‘big’ team should win but the opposition are decent enough to make a very good game of it. I watched it with the hope of an Australian win. 4-0 to the sodding Germans and not only that, they looked really, really good which is never nice to see. Three up front who all look dangerous (and all scored) and three in midfield who all worked hard and could all pass the ball with Khedira and Ozil looking class players. If we come 2nd in our group then we’ll play the Germans and then we can all go home. The only chink of light is that Australia were truly dreadful and played the last half hour with 10 men after Tim Cahill’s deserved (I don’t give a shit what anyone else says) red card.

There were also two real stinker matches today, one of which, Algeria v Slovenia was in England’s group as Slovenia won 1-0 with a goalkeeping error almost as bad as Robert Green’s. Another abysmal match saw Ghana beat Serbia 1-0. Serbia were well hyped before the tournament by the English media, mainly because they have a Man Utd player in their team. Aside from Vidic though, they are pretty average and my tip to be the first team eliminated when they take on Germany in their next game.

So, best team so far – Germany, worst – France. Germany aside, the standard has been poor and those fucking horns are really annoying.