Euro 2016 Part 5 - All Round of 16.... Bar 1 Game

He Feckin' Dived Ref

Saturday 25th June

Poland and Switzerland got the ‘Round of 16’ (shit expression) under way and it was a cagey, kind of rubbish game for the first half with Poland being slightly the better side. Blaszczykowski lashed in the opening goal after a break up the left and a left back who disappeared and that was it until half time. Poland sat back after half time, partly due to Switzerland upping the energy levels and partly due to Poland giving the ball away every five minutes. When the Swiss equalised it came it was no surprise as they’d been getting progressively closer but what an incredible goal it was as a cross from the left was knocked out and it was 3 yards behind Xherdan Shaqiri until he took two steps towards his own goal before producing a scissor kick to smash it past Fabianski and in off the post. The goal of the tournament competition may as well close now as this was ridiculous. On we went through the 90 minutes and extra time with Switzerland looking the more likely but it was no surprise to anyone that we ended up with the first penalty shootout. Lewandowski actually scored his penalty after having yet another very mediocre game and the first miss was provided by Arsenal’s new midfielder Granit Xhaka who hit his penalty midway between the left-hand post and the corner flag.  The Poles just kept on scoring and so it fell to Krychowiak to win it for them and it was never in doubt.  He looks like a player.

It’s the Battle of Britain with Wales facing Northern Ireland and Northern Ireland were the better side from the start. Wales were unable to get the ball to Bale in any space and the Irish looked the more threatening but a shot from Dallas which produced an easy save from hennessy was as close as either team got in a crap first half. As far as the quality football goes, it was a complete non-event. Wales had a goal disallowed when Ramsey was miles offside and from Bale’s one free kick of the day, McGovern showed the crap goalkeepers how to keep it out.  One goal it was always going to win it and in the second half and player with the most ability on the pitch made the difference when Bale got the ball out on the left and fired over and inviting low cross between the goalkeeper and the defenders, leaving Gareth McAuley with the choice of touching it and hoping for the best or leaving it and hoping that the Welsh striker (Robson-Kanu) behind him would miss it.  If he’d known it was Robson-Kanu I dare say he’d have left it. In the event he decided to touch it and predictably as you like, knocked it into his own net. It was a crushing inevitability that Ireland would not produce anything to get back into the game and so Wales advanced into the quarter-finals. Chris Coleman at least had the decency to point out afterwards that the best team lost.

After the crushing bore of the British match, we have two quality sides in Croatia and Portugal. Portugal had decided to re-jig the defence after the shambolic display against Hungary and in came Jose Fonte and Cedric Soares. The good performance of the two Saints players distracted me from 90 minutes of the most tedious football I had ever seen in my entire life. How can there be so many good players on the pitch and produced this pile of shit?  I decided to watch the last 30 minutes in the hope that Ronaldo would've missed his penalty like a big shiny twat but it didn't get that far as with five minutes to go, it's suddenly got entertaining. Perisic hit a post for Croatia and the rebound ended up with Strinic on the left and he’d been an arsehole all game so it was no surprise to me that he lost the ball and Portugal broke away, Sanches played in Nani on the left and he poked it across the goal with the outside of his boot to the shiny twat. Ronaldo’s shot was well saved but dropped for Quaresma to knock it into the net to send Portugal through but not before Vida nearly equalised with the last kick, hooking an effort about three inches wide. 

You Took My Goal Off Me... It Was Mine... ALL MINE... IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!

So, three games and 98% of it was complete bollocks to watch, all of it in the half of the draw that England would have been in if they hadn’t failed to break down Slovakia. Roll on Sunday.

Sunday 26th June

Host Nation France (having had 5 days off) were up against Republic of Ireland (2 days) and who said that it had all been rigged in France’s favour. Ireland made a great start with Pogba making his first big contribution to the tournament by clumsily carting Shane Long over in the box to give Ireland a penalty within a minute. Up stepped Robbie Brady to drill it in off a post.  It wasn't one way traffic towards the Irish goal after this but it was a case of whether France could break down the Irish rearguard. Paul Pogba is an over rated, over hyped and has no end product. I guess we’re all told he’s brilliant because he used to play for Manchester United reserves so naturally, he must be brilliant. Despite Pogba’s averageness and Giroud having the turning circle of a tractor, the Irish couldn't hold out though and within five second half minutes, the game was over. Griezmann made it 1-1with a good header from Sagna’s cross and then 2-1 with his next chance when Giroud managed to get off the ground and nod one down to him.  A slim hope for Ireland became no hope when, in an attempt to stop them going 3-1 down, Shane Duffy took out Griezmann when he was the last defender and so he walked. From that point on the game was dead and the Irish produced very very little by way of dangerous attacking play in the final third and France just queued up to miss chances through Matuidi, Gignac and Griezmann..

It makes me smile in a way that both Irish teams have gone out and everyone thinks they were great. Northern Ireland won one game and lost three and the team they beat was Ukraine who lost to everyone. That Republic won one match against Italy’s reserves who had absolutely nothing to play for. They were slightly better in that they drew with Sweden, who were crap and gave France a decent game.  I also guess that it's an improvement on Euro 2012 when they lost all three matches.

If ever one game in this round was going to be one sided it was Germany against Slovakia and so it proved as the Germans absolutely pissed it. Jerome Boateng gave them the lead on 10 minutes with a volley from the edge of the box and they had a chance for 2-0 but Ozil’s penalty following a fucking hopeless challenge by Skrtel on Gomez, was shite and too close to the keeper who pulled off a comfortable save.  No matter as Mario Gomez soon doubled the lead as Draxler got down the left and gave him a sitter to knock in. Slovakia barely got into the Germans half throughout the game and the Germans decided that they would score a third goal after all as the half ticked down through a close range Draxler volley to win easily without expending any energy at all. The one that hope is that when they play someone decent, they won't know how to handle it. This is Germany however.

Belgium and Hungary made up the line-up for today and it was a good game but Hungary played exactly the way Belgium would have wanted them to and made it an open game. If it had been a tight game then Belgium's defensive organisation would have been tested a bit more and the piss week with Witsel and Nainggollan in midfield, who would have had to have done some work without the ball. As it was, once Alderweireld and had put Belgium ahead with a header, it became a game of “we attack, now you attack” and there was only going to be one winner with the class of individual player that Belgium have got. They had to take the shit Lukaku off before they could score again but no sooner then they had done that, Hazard twinkle toed down the left and put a cross on a plate for Batshuayi to make it 2-0. Hazard himself got the third goal as he cut in of the left-wing, drifted past a couple of defenders in exactly the same way as he didn’t for Chelsea this season and then fired past fat man Kiraly in the Hungarian goal. Another substitute got the fourth goal as Nainggolan played Carrasco through against Fatboy and he simply rolled it into the near post to make 4-0 and very, very comfortable.  Fellaini managed to come on as a substitute and the first thing he did was throw an elbow at someone. He really is a massive twat.

Monday 27th June

Pick this out United Boy!

Italy and Spain wasn't supposed to be happening now as Belgium were supposed to win the Italians group and Spain were supposed to win their own group and not Croatia. So, what we have here, far too early in the competition, is a clash between two of Europe's traditional heavyweights. Spain passed the ball about nicely as you would expect but the Italians were so organised defensively and broke on the Spanish and created all the good chances in the first half. Pellè had a header well saved by de Gea and the Spanish keeper was at it again to deny a Giaccherini from an overhead kick and another low effort from the same player. He did however make a complete bollocks for the first Italian goal as Pellè was brought down by Ramos on the edge of the box and Eder smashed in a low free kick which was spilled by the keeper, all the Italians piled in and Chiellini knocked it into the net. De Gea pulled off another save from Giaccherini but the Spanish got to half time just the one down.  There was Spanish pressure in the second half but without any real conviction Italy broke away again with a marvellous Pellè flick putting Eder through but guess what? De Gea again.  It wasn't until the 85th minute that Buffon had a serious safe to make as he got down well to keep out Pique’s close range effort. After defending, yet again the Italians broke and the ball ended up with Darmian on the right hand side and his cross flicked up off of Ramos for Pellè to smash home on the volley in much the same way as he did against Belgium in the opening game.  This was a great game which had everything, passion, tactics, great skill.  Wonderful stuff and Italy the deserved winners.

A word for Antonio Conte who is to be the Chelsea manager next season. He never stops issuing instructions to his players from the technical area and one of the highlights of the tournament for me was when one have his own players mis-controlled a pass and the ball rolled to him in the technical area, and he just went and wellied it down the touchline. Class. His celebrations for the second goal, when he basically went batshit mental, will live long in the memory as well.  The Italians are basically everything England are not – defensively sound, know their system, know their style of play, round pegs in round holes and with a dynamic inspirational manager.

So, seven games down, one more to go and it's England against Iceland.

…. And it needs a blog of it’s own.

Euro 2016 Part 4 - Croatia Make Changes and Beat Spain, England Make Changes and are Shite

Heeeeeeere's Shane !!!

Sunday 19th June

Group A got us underway with the third round of matches which are of course take place simultaneously so no one can fix anything. Well, that's what you would think anyway but with France playing Switzerland and a draw being the perfect result for both countries, it was no surprise to me anyway that this game was completely boring with Pogba and Payet nearly scoring by accident when they rattled the woodwork. Payet's effort in particular was ridiculous after Sissoko had powered down the right wing and crossed for the West Ham man to meet first time with a side foot volley and crash it against the bar. French manager Deschamps seems to change five or six players for every game and they seem no closer to knowing what their best side is. They really don't look like the kind of team that can win the tournament. Switzerland were as boring as you'd expect with most of the attention being on their shirts which rip with any contact with an opposition player.

Romania against Albania was much more interesting with both teams wasting chances in the first half particularly the Albanian left back who managed to miss an open goal from about 5 yards. Albania have never scored in a major tournament and that just about sums up why. However, five minutes later and a cross from the right wing by their outstanding player Memushaj, a horrible misjudgement by the keeper and a header by Sidiku and the Albanians were one up at half time. The second half followed a pattern of Romania possession and Albania breaks but apart from one effort which hit the bar, Romania never really looked like scoring and in fact the Albanians looked more likely to add to their lead. I was glad Albania held it out to win because you could see in the faces of the players and fans that it was the best moment that they had ever had in their lives. With football being the cynical money ridden game that it is these days, such moments should be appreciated. The game and the honour of representing their country and doing well means more to these players than money ever could. Fair play to them and I hope they win the third place lottery and to get through to the last 16 though it has to be said that with three points and a -2 goal difference, the chances are against them. They are infinitely more likeable than fucking Switzerland and France.

Monday 20th June

In the build up to the England game against Slovakia, two things that were entirely predictable happened. Firstly, news that we were to make six changes leaked out in the press. Secondly, Chairman of the FA, Greg Dyke couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut regarding whether or not Hodgson would get a new contract. Having opened his mouth, he talked bollocks about England's target in this tournament. Apparently, losing in a gallant unlucky manner in the quarter-final is okay. Roy is apparently going to be judged on where we finish in the tournament. This is bullshit as a manager should be judged on the decisions he makes and whether he is developing the team in the way that everybody wants it to go and if he gets the best out of the resources at his disposal. Granted, if we win it it's going to be very hard to get rid of him but he fails in almost every respect.

The six changes included Clyne and Bertrand coming in for Rose and Walker. Sturridge and Vardy were always going to start a head of Sterling and Kane but the midfield changes were the worrying ones for me with Rooney and Alli stepping down in favour of Wilshire and fucking Henderson.  Neither are 100% fit and Henderson was never good enough in the first place.

To the game and England started on the front foot and it was pretty clear pretty quickly that Slovakia had come for a draw.  It’s a fault of the 24 team competition that they only need a point and they were going to attempt to bore the arse off everyone to get it.  OK – what have England got to break them down?  Lallana got himself into decent areas a couple of times but smashed one straight down the keepers throat and then screwed one wide in pathetic predictable fashion.  Henderson and Wilshere were both giving the ball away for fun but out of nowhere, Wilshere pinged a great ball over the top for Vardy who was away from Skrtel and running at full pelt before seeing his shot bounce off the keeper who had narrowed the angle.  A succession of Henderson free kicks and corners failed to beat the first man whilst a nation screamed ‘useless fucker’ at their television screens.  Wilshere was looking like he was trying too hard and just kept giving the ball away and the harder he tried, the worse he got.  He looks like he hasn’t played for a while – I wonder why we brought him here?

Meanwhile, Wales were doing to Russia what we should have done to them and burying them.  Ramsey had given them an early lead when Allen slotted him though to score easily and any chance Russia had of giving their nutters something to riot over was extinguished as Bale somewhat fortuitously got tackled and the Russian tackler poked the ball through to Neil Taylor who managed to score on the rebound despite looking absolutely petrified at the prospect of having a shot.

Back in St.Etienne, Clyne was doing well down the right and nearly scored early in the second half but he took it too close as well and the ball ricochet’s off the keeper and away.  There was a heart attack moment when Slovakia broke and got a cross in from the left and Smalling tried to be a clever bollocks and chest it back to Hart and nearly succeeded in giving it straight to Mak who only needed to get a toe to it and we’d have been behind.  Rooney came on for Wheelchair on 55 and all the good work he’d done in the last two games was forgotten (by him) as he tried to run headlong into the Slovak defence who were having none of it.  Dier played a superbly weighted straight ball over the defence which Sturridge latched on to but he played an airshot when any contact would have meant a goal.  Alli came on for Lallana and nearly scored with his first touch as he met a cross on the stretch and it was going past the keeper but Skrtel got a toe to it to keep it out.  That was it as far as testing the keeper was concerned – lots of huff and puff, Kane came on for the ineffective Sturridge and again looked sluggish and we were never going to score.  Wales were 3-0 up against Russia with Bale having poked another past the keeper who was once again left totally exposed by a lack of defenders.

A Meeting of Useless Twats

95 minutes and it’s all over and all you can say is that we’ve qualified from a really easy group and we’ve come second behind Wales.  Yep, Wales.  Fair play to them for beating the two teams that England failed to beat but we showed how average they are when we beat them and we’ve somehow managed to sink to a lower level.  Pathetic.  Don’t get me wrong, the team that finishes top of any group deserves to be there and Wales have done exceptionally well – don’t forget they were only a minute or so away from getting a point out of the England game as well and we were only the same couple of minutes away from finishing 3rd.  In truth, at this point of time it probably doesn’t matter too much that we’re in the other half of the draw we were expecting to be in now.  We are likely now to play Hungary or Iceland and then France whereas Wales will get maybe Croatia or Czech Republic, then Belgium. Who knows though, much to be decided later.

The changes made are a convenient stick for the media to hit Hodgson with.  In my opinion – the point is not that he made the changes but that he still gives the impression of just making it up as he goes along.  All the qualifying games, warm-up games and the three games so far in the tournament have been really random from him.  There doesn’t seem to be ‘a plan’, there seems to be ‘many plans’ and he picks random bits of all of them and throws them together and hopes for the best.  The squad selection came back to haunt him as well – where were the wide players to stretch the game out and maybe create something – no option of a Townsend or a Walcott.  Just Sterling who has had a terrible season and is obviously shot to bits.  What was the point of bringing Kane on for Sturridge at the end there when we were crying out for creativity – take Henderson off and put Barkley on?

From a Saints perspective, Ryan Bertrand was average at best – clattered Pekarik in the face and then got booked for a rugby tackle.  It’s a shame because Rose hasn’t been fantastic and Bertrand could have made a strong case for a start in the 2nd Round match.  The England left is a problem though because further up the pitch, Sterling was dreadful in the game and a half he played and Lallana keeps drifting infield.  In all three games so far, it’s our right back who’s been the main outlet and a lot of that is to do with the fact that we always seem to go that way and the nominal left sided midfielder seems to be unable to hold a wide position and just drifts inside.

Eric Dier was really good again and Vardy tried hard but there were a number out there who were just painful - Henderson, Wilshere, Sturridge to name but three.  Lallana looked good in patches but the glaring, horrible achilles heel is his finishing which is just shocking and he may find himself under pressure from Ross Barkley for a place simple because he never seriously works the keeper.  Well he would find himself under pressure if Hodgson trusted Barkley, which he doesn’t.

Who knows what Hodgson is going to come up with for the next game?  I’m guessing that Rose and Walker will be back and two of the midfield three will be Rooney and Dier.  It’ll probably be Alli and Lallana in front of them and two from Kane, Vardy and Sturridge up front.  Having seen Sturridge play from the start today and Kane’s general struggle, I’d be tempted to start Vardy and Rashford.

Tuesday 21st June

Northern Ireland against Germany it was basically a defence versus attack training game. Germany took the lead on about 20 minutes when Gomez scored. Irish keeper Michael McGovern had no chance of saving it because one of his own defenders was lying on top of him. When defenders weren't lying on top of him McGovern was absolutely fantastic and made save after save after safe to keep the score at 1-0. Northern Ireland for their part created absolutely nothing but the 1-0 defeat kept them in third place and so with a brilliant chance of making the last 16. You can discuss all you like the format of the tournament (I think it’s bollocks by the way) and how a team with one win and two defeats can get through but the bottom line is, everyone knew the rules at the start and also, Northern Ireland have had a much harder group than England have had for example. For what it's worth, the Germans still don't look right. Even with a proper centre forward playing today they still hardly ripped up any trees. A normal German side would've won this about 4-0. No doubt they will still win the tournament because they are annoying bastards like that.

Superman, Coming Through

In the other game Poland beat Ukraine 1-0 with a decent goal by Blaszczykowski.  It was another game where the highly rated Lewandowski totally failed to perform again including this time missing an absolute sitter from about 6 yards which he side footed over the bar. Ukraine have been pretty bloody useless and one rule I will moan about is the head-to-head rule which meant that Ukraine had absolutely nothing to play for in this game. Even if they won seven nil, they still wouldn't have finished above Northern Ireland because they lost to them so they had absolutely nothing to play for whatsoever.

In the evening Spain played a much changed Croatia and took an early lead when they come after the defence open and Morata tapped in. Croatia refused to lie down now and were encouraged by some sloppy play at the back by the Spanish. De Gea played one of his defenders in the shit and they lost the ball on the edge of their own box and the following shot hit the bar and bounce down so they got lucky. They weren't as lucky as half time approached as Perisic got down the left and fired over across which Kalinic flicked in at the near post to make it 1-1. Spain were awarded a penalty in the second half when Morata was pulled to the ground and up stepped Sergio Ramos. It's ridiculous that with all their technical ability, they have the centre back taking the penalty but anyway, it was ridiculous for a different reason as he hit the shot and the keeper saved it or should I say he charged it down because he was about 5 yards away from Ramos when he hit the penalty. What the fuck the referees assistants behind the goal are doing I have absolutely no idea. They don't give fouls for shirt pulling at corners etc, they don't give handballs, they are not needed for goal-line incidents because we have goal-line technology and now we can have add keeping goalkeepers on the line at penalties to the list of things that these assistants do not do. They are a waste of fucking time.

How Many Reasons to Retake This?

Anyway, back came Croatia and created a chance for Perisic which he absolutely buried to make it 2-1. You get the impression that del Bosque and the Spanish didn't really care. However this defeat meant that Croatia won the group and went into the easier top half of the draw whereas Spain dropped into the half of the draw with France, England, Germany and Italy, who thanks to the head-to-head rule have already won the group and have absolutely nothing to play for in their last game. It's amusing because the drawer was obviously rigged to give France a relatively hassle free journey to the semi-final but the organisers and Platini wouldn't have banked on two of the teams who could potentially beat France, in Spain and England, fucking it up and finishing second in their group.

The Czech Republic were expected to beat Turkey in the other match in the group but the opposite happened with Turkey running out convincing 2-0 winners. This put them on three points and with a decent shout of making the last 16 but they were going to have to wait until the last round of great matches on Wednesday to find out if they've made it or not. Personally, having seen them be absolutely shite in the game against Spain, I kind of hope they don't make it.

Wednesday 22nd June

Portugal’s third game against Hungary was of course all about Ronaldo. That's just the way he would've wanted it. He made sure it was all about him by snatching a microphone off of a reporter and throwing it into a lake the day before the game. The build-up was all about him because of that and because he was going to be become the first player to score in four Euros Finals. So fucking what! Anyway, Portugal needed a win to be certain of progressing to the next round and it all looked fairly amusing when Hungary took the lead with Zoltan Gera drilling in from the edge of the box. They couldn't hold out til half time though and Ronaldo put Nani through to equalise. Hungary went back in front straight after half time as Dzsudzsák took advantage of some good fortune to score with a deflected drive that gave Patricio no chance at all. Unfortunately, bloody Ronaldo then decided to show up and got himself on the end of a cross from the right wing and produced a ridiculous black heeled flick to divert it past fatty Kiraly in the Hungarian goal. Having produced this finish, Ronaldo obviously expected Portugal to go on and win the game and the tantrum he threw when Dzsudzsák scored again via another deflection was quite hilarious in its petulance. Sadly, the shiny bastard scored again when he was left unmarked, free header, 3-3. Both teams were really trying to win for 80 minutes but they then settled for a draw and the last 10 minutes was played out with team with both teams just passing it amongst themselves. As the game ended, Iceland and Austria were drawing 1-1 so as it stood, Portugal were finishing second and playing England in the next round.

Iceland had taken the lead on 20 minutes through Bödvarsson and then defended whilst Austria desperately searched for the win they needed to stay in the competition. They equalised on the hour mark and that was it until the 94th minute when a breakaway goal which was finished off by Traustason will go down as one of the greatest commentary moments of all time as the man with the mic from Iceland completely lost his shit. By the end, the commentary resembled the famous scene in the Trainspotting movie involving Archie Gemmill scoring for Scotland against Holland in the 1978 World Cup. Aside from the hilarious commentary, this late goal was significant in that it changed the group positions around and England are now playing Iceland, whilst Portugal, in finishing third, have found themselves in the easier half of the draw but with Croatia to play next.

The biggest joke so far was Rio Ferdinand on ITV’s coverage, referring to Ronaldo as a great role model. This is absolute bollocks as he only gets away with his posturing because he is one of the best players in the world. If he wasn't there is no way he would get away with all the shit and complaining and generally making a team game all about him. He's a great player but he is a fucking bell end. Role model my arse.

The evening games were all about Republic of Ireland who for a game they had to win had been dealt a fairly favourable hand. Due to the head-to-head rule, Italy had already won the group and had absolutely nothing whatsoever to play for and they subsequently put out a completely changed team. Ireland rang the changes as well as Martin O'Neill realised that you are much more likely to win any game of football if Ciaran Clark is not in your starting 11. Italy looked disjointed throughout as you would expect but Ireland lacked the quality to take advantage even though they were the better side throughout. Hendrick smashed one narrowly wide and Duffy had a good header from a corner to tipped over the bar. The referee didn't seem to know what to do with this game at all as there were some quite ridiculous incidents of grappling in the penalty area's and because the referee didn't deal with it, it lead to flare-ups with Shane Long getting booked for basically screaming in the face of the Italian goalkeeper.

As the second-half progressed I could see no way Ireland were going to score but then they had the mother of all chances just after Insigne had hit the post for the Italians, as substitute Wes Hoolahan was presented with a ball about 15 yards out with a clear run on goal and he basically just passed it to the keeper in dreadfully shit fashion. Most of the time you wouldn't get a chance to make amends for that sort of crap but the next time at the Norwich man got the ball he curled a wonderful ball over the top of the Italian central defenders and Robbie Brady got there before the keeper to nod it into the empty net and they held out the last 10 minutes fairly comfortably.  It was an emotional end to the game with even Roy Keane having a tear in his eye and though I have reservations about the circumstances, Ireland beat who was in front of them which is all you can ever do and fair play to them.

Icelandic Commentator, England Next

The format of the competition meant that Ireland had all the cards in their favour with Italy not needing to give a shit about this game. I'm sure that Sweden would've liked to have played a second string Italian side as well and then they might have got through and Zlatan might have had another game to play at international level but he's gone now, retired after they limped to a 1-0 defeat to Belgium, courtesy of a fairly late goal by Nainggolan. So, Italy’s reward for winning the group is a game against Spain whereas Belgium go into the favourable top half of the draw for finishing second and a game against Hungary. Republic of Ireland get a day in the sun against France where they have the chance to really fuck things up for the hosts. Personally, I remember being in a Dublin pub watching when Thierry Henry pulled off an outrageous handball to knock Ireland out of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup. I'm sure that that will be even more motivation for the Irish to sort the French out.

The 24 team format is shite and so is the head-to-head rule for deciding who finishes where in the group.  They both decrease the motivation to attack and therefore lead to dull games with teams settling for a draw.  The last 10 minutes of the Portugal / Hungary game was horrible and the Italy situation in their last match do no good for anybody.  That said, it’s great to see teams who are not usually involved like Wales, Hungary, Iceland and Northern Ireland not only qualify for the tournament but progress through to the knockout rounds as well.  It’s been a good tournament so far.

As for the last 16, my predictions are for Poland to beat Switzerland with a goal from someone other than Lewandowski, Northern Ireland to beat Wales as Wales have to deal with being favourites and Steven Davis plays for Northern Ireland, Croatia to beat Portugal and Ronaldo to be a big shiny twat, France to beat Republic of Ireland with the help of a shitty refereeing decision, Germany to beat Slovakia because it’s Germany isn’t it, Hungary to beat Belgium as teamwork beats individualism, Italy to beat Spain with a defensive masterclass, and England to struggle like fuck to break down Iceland and manage it 1-0. If we don't manage to beat Iceland then the consolation will be that it is Roy Hodgson's last game in charge of the England national side, which regardless of how this tournament ends, should have happened to years ago.  Note to Greg Dyke – beating Iceland 1-0 does not keep the old goat in a job.

No time left for fucking around. It's the knockout stages. Bring it on

Round 3 Awards:

Best Team: Croatia

Best Player: Michael McGovern

Best Goal: Cristiano Ronaldo (flick)

Worst Team: Still Russia, Ukraine, Sweden

Worst Player: Jordan Henderson

Over Achievers: Iceland, Republic of Ireland

Most Overhyped: France

Worst Manager: Roy Hodgson, Greg Dyke

Biggest Prima Donna Twat: Cristiano Ronaldo

King: Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Euro 2016 Part 2 - Ronaldo is a Big Shiny Twat

He's not Bad, is he?

Friday 10th June

Host nation France opened up against Romania, in what for an opening game, was actually quite decent. Also decent was the referee who was in remarkably not bent towards France and in fact gave a penalty against them which made it 1-1, cancelling out Giroud's opening header and when the goalkeeper was flapping like a budgie. It looked like a disappointing draw for France until Payet lashed one in the top corner with one minute to go. He is an absolutely fantastic player who lit up the game every time he got the ball. Deschamps just let him go and play. There is a lesson in there somewhere that I'm sure Roy Hodgson will not learn. France looked pretty decent going forward but their defence is shit. Evra is 35 now, Koscielny isn't the greatest and Rame who plays next to him at centre half looks like he wouldn't even get in the England squad ahead of the dodgy centre halves that we've got. Romania look like one of those teams that England would really struggle to break down if we played them in the knockout stages.

The leaked team news that you always get before England games and is usually accurate, indicates that Sterling and Lallana will play on the wings with Kane upfront and Rooney wheezing around in midfield probably for 90 minutes when everyone will be able to see that he is absolutely knackered after about 55 minutes.

Saturday 11th June

The day started with Albania against Switzerland which ended in a 1-0 win for the Swiss. The game was memorable purely because two brothers played for opposite sides, which says more about the stupid residential qualifications for international football than anything else.

Next up was Wales against Slovakia and this is of course in England's group. I thought the game itself was pretty substandard. Slovakia should've scored early on but it was Wales that took the lead after 10 minutes when Bale scored a free kick from 20 yards when the keeper decided to wander over to the wrong side of the goal as he hit it. Wales look fairly comfortable to be honest but let in a goal from Slovakia’s first attack and from that point on it looked like they lose but Robson-Kanu came on and managed to scuff a misplaced Ramsey pass into the net to give Wales a 2-1 win. It was interesting watching Wales as you hear that they are a one man team but Bale did very very little to justify his reputation aside from scoring a free kick. Aaron Ramsey has dyed his hair blonde which just means that it stands out more when he fucks something up, which he does very often. A big plus point for Wales though is that they play as a team and they really want to run through brick walls for each other which is something that England could learn from. We really have nothing to fear from these two sides.

And so we moved on to England and our opener against Russia. As had been leaked the day before, Vardy was left out with Lallana and Sterling picked. Rooney was shoehorned in as a deep lying midfielder next to Eric Dier. England started very well with Lallana prominent but he smashed a clear chance straight at the keeper and then screwed another one wide. Rooney then drilled an effort straight at the keeper as well and we went in 0-0 at half time despite completely dominating the first half. Russia were the better side for the first 15 minutes of the second-half but then England took over again with Rooney forcing an unbelievable save out of Akinfeev in the Russian gong as he tipped Squirrel Head’s shot up onto the bar. The breakthrough eventually came on 80 minutes as Alli ran into a Russian defender and won a free kick (bollocks decision) which Dier smashed into the net. At this point Hodgson decided to take Rooney off which was bizarre as he was having a great game. Ok he looked a bit tired but it’s amusing considering all the shite games that he's had for England when he's been left on for 90 minutes. On came Wilshere and things continued to look quite decent and then on 88 minutes he finally put to Sterling out of his misery. Don't let anyone tell you differently, Sterling was complete wank but Hodgson ensured we kept the same levels of wank on the pitch by bringing Milner on. Russia managed a little bit of pressure with a couple of minutes to go with Milner fucking up and over committed allowing a cross to come into our box and Berezutski got himself up against Rose at the far post and looped a header over Hart to make it 1-1.

On the one hand it was cruel because we had been the better side by a long way and had played pretty well but on the other hand we paid for our lack of quality in the final third and Hodgson being incredibly negative. One of the best ways to protect a lead is to attack and we have the best counter attacking forwards on the bench in Jamie Vardy but the negative old goat decides to throw on fucking Milner. It should have been Vardy for Sterling on about 55 minutes and it certainly should have happened once we went in front. We also had the ridiculous shit of Harry Kane taking all of the corners. It's not as if he's even any good at them as he just completely overhit every one. Maybe if we had a 6 foot 3 centre forward in the middle rather than taking the fucking corners we might have got someone on the end of one.

I have to say that Lallana played really well in the first half but in the second half he predictably died and he was left on for the entire match despite being clearly knackered for the last half an hour. I know I've said it once but I'd like to say it again for emphasis and so no one gets the wrong idea but Sterling was wank. He stops when he should just go, he hardly ever gets the cross in because he got no left foot and if by some chance he does get the cross in, it's just smashed across the box with no quality whatsoever.

Despite being touted as our weak link, the back four was actually quite decent. I have never been a fan of Kyle Walker but he was excellent at right back. Cahill and Smalling were competent enough but Rose is still a liability defensively. Harry Kane was pretty poor upfront and really should've been replaced with any of the multitude of strikers that we have on the bench and Dele Alli didn't do as much as we hoped he would do.

Hodgson is a senile old goat though. He loads the squad with attackers and then only plays one of them upfront and doesn't use any of the three that he's got on the bench. It shouldn't be terminal as we should still get through the group of course but a defeat against Wales would make it very interesting. All I wanted was for Roy to not fuck it up and he's not made a good start.

Sunday 12th June

Croatia against Turkey was first up today and it turned out to be a close match but Croatia were by far the better side. All they had to show for it was a fantastic volley by Modrić from 30 yards after a hooked clearance by the Turkey centre back. They spent the rest of the game missing sitters but Turkey created the square root of not very much in reply and Croatia held out for a fairly comfortable win. They look like a good side with good players in addition to Modrić and Mandzukic. I liked the left winger Perisic, who was everything that Raheem Sterling wasn't last night for England. Pace, power, focus and direction with a good ball in as well. I can't imagine he'll ever get transferred for £50 million anywhere but I know who I'd rather have in my side.

Northern Ireland took on Poland who are my tip to do well out of the unfancied nations. The game played out in exactly the way I thought it would with Poland being by far the better side and Northern Ireland chasing shadows for the majority of it and having very little quality on the ball. Teams like Northern Ireland can only achieve good results at this level by being more than the sum of their parts and unfortunately today they just look like what they are, a collection of average footballers. The goal just after half time which had been long overdue was eventually scored by Milik and Northern Ireland had virtually nothing in response apart from set pieces, one of which was played to Steve Davis who made a very clever run but couldn't quite get on the end of it. He was out and away Northern Ireland's best player as you'd expect. I would say they have no chance of getting anything against Germany in their last game so the next one against Ukraine is one they really have to try and attack and trying get some more players up near Lafferty who was virtually playing in the Polish half on his own.

Germany played Ukraine in the third game of the day and Ukraine had obviously prepared by watching a video of Germany beating Brazil 7-1 and were clearly scared to fucking death. The Germans took the lead after 20 minutes through a decent header from Mustafi and continued to swagger about the pitch with their usual arrogance. The good news for everyone else is that their defence looks like it's got a mistake in it and Ukraine really should have equalised before half time. The second half was shit though as Germany controlled the play and Ukraine still kept seven or eight players behind the ball the whole time. In an echo of the England game, Germany sent on Schweinsteiger with a few minutes to go to try and see out a 1-0 win. In a slight difference to what Milner contributed, he got himself in the middle after a lightning break up the left following a Ukraine corner and was on the end of Ozil's cross to slam into the net for 2-0 and one game successfully shut down by counter attacking. Hmmm, Vardy's good at that.

Hodgson has got away with it in the media because it all kicked off in Marseille which is all anyone wanted to talk about. No doubt we have some dickheads who are only out for a ruck but how the fuck can the French police, in their current heightened state of security, allow some Russian nutter to get a flare gun into the ground, let alone fire a flare into the England fans. Why the fuck were England put in Marseille where it kicked off in 1998 and there is a large presence of French nutters? England and Russia have been threatened with expulsion from the tournament which was entirely predictable and no doubt we'll get more blame than anyone else despite it being identified that a hardcore Russian firm of 150 nutters were operating, seeing themselves as some sort of army.

Monday 13th June

The 2pm kick offs are a little bit of a nightmare to keep in touch with, being at work and all that.  Today it was Spain v Czech Republic.  Everyone knows that Spain are going to be decent but can they actually stick the ball in the net.  They haven’t bothered with Diego Costa or Fernando Torres this time around but have gone with Alvaro Moratta who missed a couple of decent chances in the first half.  After dominating possession for the whole match as usual, eventually Spain broke through when Iniesta curled in a superb cross from the left and Mr Shakira, Gerard Pique was there to nod past Petr Cech.

Next up was Republic of Ireland and Sweden who are probably playing for 3rd place in this group behind Italy and Belgium.  Ireland had the better of the first half and had some decent efforts through Hendrick and Brady and they took the lead when Coleman turned the left back inside out and stood up a great cross for Hoolahan to smash into the net on the half volley.  Great goal.  From that moment on, Ireland went into their shell and Zlatan decided to wake up and it was a matter of time before Sweden equalised as Zlatan got down the left and fired it across and Cairan Clark brought his Aston Villa form to the big stage and stooped to plant a header past his own goalkeeper.  Usually with own goals you can see it was unlucky but this was just shit.  Sweden looked the more likely to win it at the end but Ireland will be regretting not scoring in the first half.

Last up was Italy against Belgium.  Now, I admit I’m biased as I’ve had a soft spot for Italy for a while.  The first World Cup I really remember well is 1982 with Tardelli and Rossi and all that and one of the best games I ever saw was Italy knocking Germany out of their own World Cup in 2006 with a team boasting Cannavaro, del Piero, Pirlo etc.  Now they have Graziano Pellè as well so what’s not to like?  Belgium on the other hand are everyone’s tip to do well and somehow are ranked number 2 in the World.  They have a lot of Premier League players who play for the big clubs which in my mind, probably makes them over hyped and not as good as everyone thinks they are.  Take Fellaini for example – yes he plays for Manchester United but is he really a top level international player?  Is he fuck. 

Anyway, the game was marvellous with Italy playing as a team with a plan and Belgium playing as a team of individuals.  The Italians took the lead just before half time when Bonucci pinged a ball 60 yards over Toby the Shithouse straight to Giacherrini who finished well.  Graziano missed a sitter with a header straight after that and looked like he might pay for it as Lukaku broke away but with just Buffon to beat, he floated an effort high and wide.  Hazard looked lively but all these players you hear so much about were shocking.  De Bruyne was embarrassingly bad and Lukaku, Witsel, Nainggolan and Fellaini weren’t far behind.  It took until the 93rd minute but Candreva broke down the right and picked out Pellè with a cross which he lashed in on the volley with a real 'pick the fucking bones out of that' finish, to make it 2-0.  Brilliant.

The Italians have a back three on Barzagli, Bonucci and Chiellini who all play for Juve and they are so organized it’s frightening when compared to other teams who can’t defend for shit.  Buffon is not a bad keeper either so expect them to go a long way in the tournament.  I liked Candreva on the wing as well and the twin stike force of Pellè and Eder gave Toby the Shithouse nightmares.  Belgium looked like England to be honest – they have some decent players who are not as good as the media would have us believe and also they appear to have a manager who hasn’t got a clue and picks on reputation rather than form.  As England proved with our ‘Golden Generation’, over hyped big club Premier League bollocks gets you nowhere on it’s own and can’t believe he left De Bruyne on who was shocking – worse than Raheem.  Someone needs to tell them that football is a team game and you need some grafters to achieve anything.

Tuesday 14th June

Just the two games today with the match fancied Austrians taking on Hungary. Austria, containing a couple of players who we are familiar with in Christian Fuchs and the knobhead Marco Arnautovic started the better of the two sides and forced a great save out of former Crystal Palace keeper Gabor Kiraly who is now 40 and still wearing the same pair of shitty grey tracksuit bottoms he wore 15 years ago. In the second half Hungary took the lead with a goal buy Szalai, a striker who hadn't scored for about two years. Austria pressed and had a double whammy of a goal disallowed and the reason it was disallowed was because one of their players had cleaned out a Hungary defender resulting in him being sent off.  Hungary became yet another team who has managed (unlike England) to keep the foot on the throat when on top and scored a second with a lovely chip over the keeper by Zoltan Steiber

A Shiny Twat, Yesterday

Ronaldo and the other 10 Portuguese players were playing Iceland who really should have no chance. Ronaldo however, played like Gareth Bale did in the Wales game in that he clearly doesn't look fit. Both these players are terrifying to defenders when they're running at full tilt but neither seemed to be able to run. Ronaldo was just hanging around upfront waiting for the ball and invariably the other Portuguese players weren’t good enough to give it to him. In addition, the Icelandic players were lining up and taking turns to kick him up the arse which was quite funny. I have to say though that Ronaldo does look a very shiny these days. Nani put Portugal ahead just before half time but they couldn't get a second despite the Icelandic goalkeeper looking terrified every time at the ball came near him. Iceland, playing exclusively on the break managed to score on the hour mark as a cross came in from the right and Bjarnason had the freedom of the penalty area to knock it past the keeper. The comedy defending by Pepe and the Vieirinha was very funny. The two Saints players in the Portugal squad were both left on the bench which is remarkable because Calvalho is preferred to José Fonte despite being 38 years old and Vieirinha is preferred to Cedric despite being complete shit. Ronaldo hit a couple of late free kicks into the wall and had a free header which he put straight at the keeper and that was it. He did however make a complete twat of himself in the interview afterwards when he criticised the way Iceland played and the fact that they were small time. Well they got a draw with you overhyped shower of shit didn't they and at the end justifies the means you shiny twat.

Round 1 Awards:

Best Team: Italy

Best Player: Dimitri Payet

Best Goal: Dimitri Payet, Luca Modric

Worst Team: Northern Ireland

Worst Player: Kevin De Bruyne, Cairan Clark

Over Achievers: Iceland

Most Overhyped: Belgium, Christiano Ronaldo

Worst Manager: Roy Hodgson, Marc Wilmots (Belgium)

Shiniest Player: Christiano Ronaldo

Who Let that Senile Old Goat Out

Remember when the Shit 'managers pet' kid was picked in your position at school... that!

Summer is here and it’s a time when we don’t think about football.  Oh yes.

Uncle Roy had a friendly in order to experiment with new players as England went to Dublin to play Ireland for the first time since the 1995 riot.  I remember watching that game as Matt le Tissier was playing.  The England manager that day was a complete arse and picked le God on the left of a midfield 3.  This was the allegedly tactically astute Terry Venables.  This time around the fixture is a warm up for the qualifier we have against Slovenia in the Easiest Qualifying Group of all time.  The squad he picked was interesting in that he has a striker in there in Jamie Vardy who has scored 4 goals this season.  He also had Charlie Austin in there who is rumoured to be a Saints target for the summer as well as Nathaniel Clyne and Ryan Bertrand from our current squad.  Anyhow, come the day and Roy made a colossal balls of it.  Sterling and Lallana got picked despite being shocking for Liverpool recently and we had to suffer players who have been tried and have failed on regular occasions like Phil Jones at right back – all that sort of shit.  I don’t have to write anything about the game – it was 0-0 and totally tedious.  Shane Long played the second half for Ireland as he came on as a sub for David McGoaldrought.  Ryan Bertrand played and he did ok and Clyney was made to look better in his absence as Phil Jones proved once again that you can’t be classed as versatile because you can play shite in several positions.  We had a glimpse of Liverpool’s future as Henderson and Milner were awful in midfield and Lallana and Sterling predictably did nothing.  Vardy got 15 minutes and Austin stayed on the bench.  Maybe Roy’s got something inspiring up his sleeve for the qualifier next week.  Maybe Fabien Delph will play.

In the event, for the competitive World Cup qualifier in Slovenia, Roy pulled out an absolute cracker in his team selection which had had me and I guess, several thousand other England fans, further questioning his sanity, let alone his suitability to manage the England football team.  In goal…. Joe Hart, at right back… Phil Jones, left back… Kieran Gibbs….  I kind of missed the rest of the team.  Let that sink in for a second… Phil Jones and Kieran Gibbs.  A out of position shit centre back who has not played well all season and a left back who though quite decent at times, has hardly played for Arsenal since Christmas.  Clyney, the only right back in the squad and Bertrand, the team of the season left back are on the bench.  The game itself was meandering and boring for the first half an hour with Sterling (another desperately out of form player) missing a sitter.  Then we got a throw in on the right wing and for reasons that I suspect even he doesn’t understand, Phil Jones threw it straight to a Slovenia player, they broke, beat Cahill’s abortion of an attempt to play offside and scored to lead 1-0 at half time.  Jones had been shocking all game and got pulled at half time with Lallana going on and get this – Jordan Henderson, who had been completely shit in midfield, moving to right back.

The second half was entertaining with Jack Wilshere smashing us level after a ball broke to him on the edge of the box and then the same player put us ahead with a quite brilliant goal, created by Henderson steaming up the wing and finding Lallana whose deft flick found Wilshere who again hit the top corner from 25 yards.  Brilliant goal.  We then immediately conceded a goal again which was directly as a result of having shite full backs.  With Clyney ready to come on as Henderson was having a mare defensively, over came a cross from Slovenia’s left and Gibbs stood still as Pecnik got the jump on him and it flew into the net off the side of his head.  We were rescued by Squirrel Head as he burst through the middle and finished well, which was in direct contrast to the other 4 good chances he’s had which he missed in really shit fashion.  We won 3-2 and all the Roy apologists went on about us winning 6 out of 6 and being undefeated in a year.  Yes these are facts but it’s also a fact that this is the easiest qualifying group in history.  Slovenia’s 2^nd goal was scored by a layer who was shit for Sheffield Wednesday when we played them in League 1 back in the day.  They’re our nearest challengers in this group so that gives you an idea of the standard.  Our defence is chronically bad, our ball retention is awful and the managers criteria for picking players is as best questionable and at worse appallingly stupid.  Will we be any better when we play against slightly better opposition – of course not.

On the Clyne situation – Hodgson actually said that there would be questions (from the media I assume) if Phil Jones wasn’t picked.  No there wouldn’t you senile old goat and even so, why are you so scared of the media.  Even United fans know he’s shit and has been shit all season and the whole world knows that he’s not a right back.  Didn’t someone say once that Jones was the new Duncan Edwards or somesuch bullshit when he signed for United whose players always get biged up to be some sort of sensation based on 2 minutes (Macheda, Januzaj). The media of course made an issue of Clyney not looking terribly happy at the end.  Why would he – a shit centre back has been preferred to him at right back and then a midfielder has been put there.  The Old Goat said that Clyne shouldn’t expect to play just because he’s had a good season.  He’s a fucking idiot is Roy and no wonder the defence look shite.  The full backs were dreadful and he persists on picking Smalling to partner Cahill when neither is a leader so there is potential disaster all over the place.  I have a theory that Roy thinks Smalling as in fact a 22 year old Rio Ferdinand.  Here’s a decent back 4 – Clyne, Cahill, Terry, Bertrand.  Assuming Terry is a non-starter then you have to go with Jagielka as whilst he’s not great, he is the closest we’ve got to a defensive leader.

Gibbs being selected over Bertrand, when he’s not playing and not sharp is almost equally ridiculous and Sterling and Henderson owe their presence as England regulars to how good Luis Suarez was when Liverpool won all those games at the tail end of 2013/14.  They’ve both had poor seasons and are not in any sort of form but they’re now undroppable.

To be fair, on the positive side, Lallana coming on made a difference and Wilshere playing slightly further forward had a massive effect.  He’ll be straight back in front of the back 4 once Sturridge or Welbeck gets fit though as you can’t trust Roy to make a tough decision.

Meanwhile, away from Planet Roy, the wheels of the well oiled machine at Southampton FC have been turning and things have been smoothly progressing, unlike last year when we had a couple of wheels missing and were lurching all over the road.  We have signed a couple of players which have addressed specific needs that we had in the squad.  The first was Spanish international Juanmi who joined from Malaga for about £5 million which in today’s market, is nothing. He’s a winger / striker in much the same way that Sadio Mané is and has a decent reputation.  The only negative anyone seems to be able to come up with for him is that he’s small and slight... in the same mould as David Silva... who has not done too badly over here has he.  A couple of days later, Cedric Soares (pronounced ‘So-are-ez’) signed from Sporting Lisbon for about £3.5 million which, for a Portugese international right back is pretty good.  He has a reputation for being decent going forward and being very quick so it all sounds pretty positive from where I’m standing.  Two player son the fringes of powerful European International teams for a combined transfer fee outlay of less than £9 million... when Man United gave us triple that for Luke Shaw.

The Soares deal throws up a couple of interesting points.  The media of course saw it as proof positive that Clyney is off to Liverpool as we’ve signed his replacement.  That may well be the case but no one seems to be considering that Soares may just well be Calum Chambers replacement and he’ll provide competition for last years first choice.  There has been a lot of noise about Liverpool signing Clyne but no one this end has confirmed anything.  It’s standard Smug Twat Rodgers tactics to do everything through the Liverpool media so the Liverpool media have reported that they bid £10 million and we knocked it back, they were going to increase that to £11m or £12m and now Clyne is “desperate” to join them.  All they need to do is bring out the lines like last year when we were “holding Lallana prisoner and stopping him progressing” and all that and we’ll have the full set.  Oh yes, I forgot the “sign by this deadline or we’ll go elsewhere”.  Saints seem to be using the time honoured “pay the asking price or fuck off” approach.

It’s great, Super-Happy-Super-Motivational-Hockey-Guy Ralph Krueger said recently that we’re not a gossip club so the facts are these: - Clyne has a year left on his deal and no one has met the asking price as yet.  I would rather we held him to the last year of his contract and lose him for nothing next summer, rather than sell him to Liverpool.  The other point is that the Soares deal means we are covered whatever the outcome of the Clyne situation and I wonder where Nathaniel’s head is right now.  On the one hand, he’s just had first hand experience of getting shafted when he mixed with the big boys in the England set up and that’s the sort of thing that happens at the bigger clubs.  Maybe that’ll make him want to say or maybe that’ll make him more determined to get away.  It appears that the Champions League big clubs are not interested in him and now, if he stays at Southampton, he’s not an automatic first choice any more.  I also wonder how long the new contract offer from Saints will remain on the table.

News has been very sparse on the loanees we had in last season.  One assumes that Elia and Djuricic have gone back to Werder Bremen and Benfica respectively but they’ve in effect been replaced in the squad by Juanmi and the returning J-Rod.  The loanee we’re all interested in is Toby Alderweireld.  There has been no offical news whatsoever on that one.  We all know we had a clause to buy him and that Atletico Madrid could buy that out.  It’s not been confirmed that they’ve done this and I can’t find a date by which they had to do it.  There has been a rumoured swap deal involving Chelsea and Atletico and Filipe Luis but that seems to have come from a glib comment Mourinho made in a press conference.  There’s been noises from Fucking Spurs (fuck off) and West Ham (ha ha ha) being interested as well.  He’ll either end up at a Champions League Club or with us.  In our favour is that he obviously enjoyed it here and he’ll be a regular.  At Chelsea he’ll be a sub most of the time but be on a load more wedge and in the Champions League.  He’s had a season of being a bench player in the Champions League at Atletico which is how we managed to get him in the first place so I can’t imagine he’ll want that again either at Atletico or at Chelsea.  Still hopeful.

When does the Europa League start?

Euro 2012 Part 7 - Blatter's Head on a Platter

Same picture as 2 years ago Sepp.... it was further over the line than this.

18^th June 2012 – Group C

A tale of three of the best teams in the tournament and Ireland.  Italy play the Irish today and Spain face Croatia and all outcomes are possible aside from Ireland finishing anywhere other than 4^th.  The aforementioned head-to-head before goal difference method of working out placings in the group had a potential further complication today in that we could end up with three teams with 5 points.  In that scenario, results against Ireland would be discounted and a mini-league of results between the three teams would be used to determine places… and this mini league would be decided on goal difference and goals scored.  Maybe this is a bit complicated after all.

No such worries for Ireland and their manager Giovanni Trapattoni who was facing his homeland and the worry that he would play a weakened side to help out his homeland was confirmed when he named his usual side.  Fair play to Damien Duff though who reached 100 caps.

Ireland managed to get into this game without implementing ‘Operation Feck It’ in the first few minutes though throughout they did live dangerously with di Natale seeing an effort blocked by St.Ledger’s shoulder and the same player skipping round Given and his zimmer frame on the right edge of the penalty area and it must have been annoying for him to get a shot on target from a ridiculous angle and see a defender back on the line to clear it.  Given then got very lucky with a long range blast from Marchisio which was straight at him but he made a bollocks of it and it bounced off his zimmer frame for a corner.  The goal was coming for Italy and duly arrived when Pirlo’s corner was met by Cassano whose superb flick header hit Given and the underside of the bar and bounced behind the line before Duff hacked it clear.  Rumour has it that this is the first time that the officials behind the goal had actually done anything but fair play to them for getting it right.

Meanwhile in the other game…..nothing much happening aside from a Torres blast at near post from narrow angle and Mandzukic being cleaned out in time honoured Sergio Ramos style.  He fucks up then tries to make up for it by trashing into whoever he’s lost the ball to and though he did get a bit of the ball, he was lucky to get away with it.

Half time arrived with Italy winning 1-0 and the quite frankly, boring game between Croatia and Spain being goalless.  As it stands, Italy would win the group with Spain coming second.  However you worked it out, Ireland were still last.

The Italy and Ireland game was by far the more interesting of the two with Cassano missing a sitter when he tried to pass ball past 3 defenders instead of just lashing the shite out of it.  Fair play to Ireland and they had a go but following a decent move from the back, Andrews decided to shoot from 35 yards instead of passing it and Buffon comfortably saved.  The same player stepped up when Ireland won a free kick 25 yards out and this time he really caught it, bringing a decent save from the World’s most expensive goalkeeper.

Italy’s lead meant that Croatia were now third ‘as it stands’ and heading home so they decided to attack which increased the likelihood of a goal at both ends.  A goal for Croatia at this point would put Spain out and they were giving it a right go.  A break down the right by Modric ended with him putting in a ridiculous cross with the outside of his right foot right onto the head to Rakitic who headed it in just about the only place where he couldn’t score which was straight at Casillas.  I’ve always thought that Spain’s defenders weren’t particularly great of you can get at them, which usually of course, you can’t because you need the ball to do that.

Croatia brought on a couple of strikers including Jelavic but even though Spain withdrew Torres and Silva and went for the ‘on strikers’ formation, they introduced arguably a bigger threat in Fabregas and that skinny little winger Navas who looks about 11.  Fabregas and Perisic tested the keepers at each end but still the stalemate continued with Bilic getting progressively more psycho on the line.  The Marquis of del Bosque does not favour such animated antics, favouring instead to just sit there and play with his moustache.

Ireland’s chances of getting a morale lifting point (and sending the Italians home) went down the shitter when Andrews, their only player whose had a shot in the tournament, managed to pick a second yellow for not very much and was sent off.  As if the tournament hasn’t been poor enough for the Irish, he then embarrasses himself by acting like a knob before eventually going and wellying a stray football into the crowd.  His defence will be that he wasn’t wellying it but demonstrating his first touch but I would think he’ll get an additional ban.

There were five minutes to go when it all changed as Fabregas lifted a ball over the defence to the clearly onside Iniesta who laid it square past Pleitikosa, straight into the path of Navas who dribbled upto the goal line before smashing it into the net.  I admit that I don’t know what the rules are now but I thought Navas must be offside as Iniesta had passed it forwards and there were not two defenders between Navas and the goal, just the keeper.  Is there some strange part of the offside rule that says something like ‘if the passing only has one opposition player in front of him then the receiving player cannot be offside’ or alternatively ‘if it’s Spain then it’s not offside as them going out would be bad for the tournament’.  Still it made for some entertaining shots of Slaven Bilic as he waved his arms about and went a kind of purple colour.

As the game restarted, Ireland managed to let in another goal from a corner as Mario Nutbagotelli pulled out an overhead kick and smashed it into the net.  It’s a brilliant goal but in true Balotelli style, he’s less concerned with that and more worried about having a pop at someone over something.  Bonucci, the Italian defender does well to pull him away and even covered his mouth so no lip readers could see him mouthing ‘I am a complete fucking idiot with a bag full of chips on each shoulder’.

Games over and Spain win the group, with Italy second and a somewhat unfortunate Croatia going home.  Amazingly, after all the final day to-ing and fro-ing, Ireland finished 4^th and will reflect on a tournament where they have been completely outclassed.  They haven’t helped themselves though by conceding numerous poor goals from set pieces and often from just plain bad marking.  Most of the Ireland stories in the papers have been concerned with Roy Keane who in my opinion, didn’t say anything bad.  It’s been twisted of course to make it look like he slagged off the fans which he didn’t.  He slagged the players for praising the fans as a method of deflecting attention away from the fact that they were shite.

19^th June 2012 – Group D

So it was time for France v Sweden and Ukraine v England.  Which one to watch….?  Roy brought back Rooney for Carroll and the rest of the side was unchanged despite Walcott being fit and the buzz being that he would get the nod ahead of Milner.  Sadly the buzz was incorrect.  Shevchenko wasn’t fit for Ukraine but still they started the better of the two sides with England struggling to get hold of the ball and when they did, either went for giving it away or sending it forward long to Carroll who… oh yeah, we dropped him.

Question of the day is....  why do the Ukraine players spell their names with an ‘I’ on their shirts but it’s a ‘Y’ when it’s in the written media?  Anyhow...the Ukrainians serve notice of their intent to lash in as many long range shots as possible when Young misjudges the bounce of the ball like a 10 year old which allows Gusiev to cut in and fire over the bar.  Two more Ukraine efforts fly into the stand behind Hart’s goal and to be honest, they can keep doing that all night.  The stats come up after 25 minutes and England have had no shots at all but then we make the best chance of the night as Gerrard picks out Young with a raking pass and Young’s cross is straight onto the head of Rooney who doesn’t get off the ground and the ball slides off the squirrel on his head and out for a goal kick. It’s such a poor effort from the squirrel.

The France and Sweden game has been pretty dull but the Swedes have had the best chance with Toivanen first outmuscling the painfully bad and overrated Mexes before skipping past Lloris before rolling his shot onto the outside of the post instead of into the big white thing with a net on it.  Half time and double 0-0 which means as it stands, England are going through to play Spain.  Help.

Under Roy Hodgson England seem to have a happy knack of getting something when they most need to and it happens again straight after half time as Gerrard’s initial free kick is cleared back to him and he takes on Iarmolenko and gets a yard of space to whip in a cross which takes a couple of nicks off of Ukraine players which totally deceives Piatov in goal who makes a total bollocks of it and the ball pops onto the head of Wayne Rooney lurking at the back post and the squirrel manages to head it into the empty net.   England are 1-0 up and top of the group which is a position which gets even stronger a few minutes later as a cross from Wilhelmsson drops to Ibrahimovic who fires it past Lloris with a spectacular scissor-volley.

Ukraine have a renewed sense of urgency as they have to win this game and they have a great chance as England doze off.  We’ve heard all the talk about two banks of four and zonal defending and all that which is all well and good but if one of your eight defenders doesn’t attack the ball then you get situations like this one where Milevskiy heads an absolute sitter over the bar from 6 yards as 8 England players looked on from close proximity.

We get even luckier a few minutes later as Terry has a mare and gets horribly under a long ball which Milevskiy (who is clearly offside) slips through to Devic who is in on Hart.  Hart half blocks the effort but it’s still going in and fair play to Shagger, he gets back and hooks it away from a place somewhere in the proximity of the goal line.  At first viewing it looks like it’s in and subsequent replays prove that it’s in but the assistant extra ref is five yards away and looking along the line and he hasn’t given it.  Isn’t it great to be on the right side of one of these?  Devic is standing there with joy followed by disbelief on his face and Ukraine manager Oleg Blokhin is rampaging around the technical area trying to find an official with a UEFA jacket on so he can kill someone.  In this case, two wrongs have made a right as it should have been a free kick to England on the half way line.... I bet it won’t be seen like that.

England test out flapper in the Ukraine goal when Milner takes time out from giving the ball away to send over a cross which Piatov flaps to Ashley Cole who gets in a decent goalbound effort which to be fair to Piatov, he does well to keep out.  Back come Ukraine and it’s back to the long range pot shots but this one is different as it’s on target.  Konoplianka’s effort looks like it’s straight down Hart’s throat but it swerves in the air as it gets close and Hart has to pull out an excellent one handed stop and it grateful to the alert Lescott to smash the rebound out of harm’s way.

You get a feeling sometimes that the opposition aren’t going to score and you can relax a bit.  That time is now and England begin to play better on the break with both Parker and Rooney breaking through at separate times with Parker being thumped to the ground by Timoschuk and Rooney taking too long and being crowded out.  Shevchenko is on for Ukraine but all he can manage is a crude foul on Young and England’s subs have a chance to create a ‘Made in Southampton’ goal but Chambo butchers the pass to Theo who would have been clean through.  Must be the Arsenal influence.

It’s still 1-0 to Sweden and they are looking the more likely to score in their game against France with Lloris being by far the busier keeper, saving a close range blast from Wilhelmsson and a Mellberg header.  France have a great chance to equalize as Arsenal-bound Giroud heads a simple chance over the bar from 8 yards.

As the England game finishes, word comes through that Sweden have scored again as the ball comes back off the bar and falls to Seb Larsson who smashes it into the roof of the net.  France still manage to scrape through in second place but England have won the group and will now play Italy.  Following that is a potential semi-final against ze Germans and the tournament just got interesting.  The only bad news from today was that Gerrard and Carroll got booked and all cards don’t get wiped until after the quarter finals.  Another booking for the skipper would be somewhat catastrophic as he’s been our best player by a mile but that’s a worry for another day.  We didn’t play great again but we’re through as group winners and it couldn’t be better really.

Our defence is settled and has looked solid enough for me and our central midfield has been immense with Gerrard and Parker really putting shifts in, in each game.  Gerrard has also provided quality going forward and has set up a goal in every game so far.  An injury or suspension in there would really put a hole in our prospects as we have a choice of Milner, Henderson or Jones to fill in which is just nasty.  Aside from Walcott in the Sweden game, no one has really shone in the wide areas but I really think we need one of Walcott or Chamberlain playing against Italy.  This is my coded way of saying that Milner does my head in.  He can’t beat a man either by pace or skill as he has neither and more often than not, will just pass it to the nearest opposition player.  Up front we will persevere with Rooney even though he was abysmal today in truth and we have to find the best partner for him.  Welbeck has the club familiarity going for him, Carroll is more suited to playing up on his own which inevitably happens when Rooney drops deep and Defoe has more intelligence about his movement.  If it was down to me, I’d go for Carroll against Italy, simply because the Italians are hard as nails at the back and against better sides, England will tend to hit the front man for farther away.  By that, I mean that we’ll hoof it like usual but at least we’ll have someone to aim at.

All the talk after the game has of course been about the goal line technology debate.  It’s hard not to feel that everyone is against England when it comes to people like Platini and Blatter.  Blatter has just repeated what he said 2 years ago after the Lampard v Germany incident and it’s just made him look even more like a pillock as nothing much has happened in the meantime aside from him categorically proving that FIFA isn't corrupt and the vote to award to World Cup to Qatar wasn't rigged.  Predictably, no one is interested in the fact that there was a clear offside in the Ukraine v England incident which is the part that makes the debate really interesting.  We might one day be able to rewind a few seconds to prove a ball crossed the line but can we rewind 30 seconds to prove a player was offside or not?  We already have the technology to prove that we have complete twats at the head of FIFA and UEFA in Blatter and Michel '24 Teams' Platini.

The Quarter Final line up meanwhile, is now complete with Portugal v Czech Republic, Spain v France,  Germany v Greece, and of course, England v Italy.  My predictions for the semi finals are Portugal v Spain and Germany v the winners of the other game.   Low expectations has served us well so far so I see no reason to predicts an England win now.

Merde! bâtards anglais