World Cup Part 9 - Heroes to Zeroes

What do you mean, "Save it" ?

THURSDAY 24th JUNE

Group F’s final two games were Italy v Slovakia and New Zealand v Paraguay. Italy were in an identical position to England the night before, in that they had to win or go home. Both the Italians and the Slovakians are not the most exciting of teams so I was expecting a dour 1-0 to Italy but the cat went amongst the proverbial pigeons when a dreadful square pass across the back 4 by de Rossi was intercepted, one pass, goal for Vittek. It got worse for the Italians just after half time as Vittek nipped in front of the dozing Chiellini and scored at the near post. Italy, as they do, got a bit of urgency with the introduction of Pirlo and Quagliarella which sound like a fancy ice-cream flavour. It all went nuts in the last 10 minutes with first di Natale pulling one back to put the Italians within one goal of qualifying. A minute later it was in the net again via the Ice Cream boy but the dodgy English linesman had his flag up for offside. Quagliarella’s leg was in front of the last defender when the ball was crossed which is offside if (and this is a big if) that rule that was introduced about ‘daylight’ doesn’t still apply. A few years ago, when they kept pissing about with the offside rule, I’m sure that it was modified to give the benefit to the attacker and say that there had to be daylight between attacker and defender to be given offside.

Fresh from the heartbreak of having a goal disallowed, the Italians defended a throw in like a school team and allowed a midfielder to burst onto the throw and chip the keeper for 3-1. Italy usually have the excellent and imposing Buffon in goal but he’s injured and the replacement Marchetti looks like a performing dwarf from a circus. Basically, he’s crap and I don’t think he’s actually saved an on target shot in the two and a half games he’s played. Ice cream boy pulled one back but it was by now the 93rd minute so out they went 3-2.

Whenever Italy go out there is always a case of what might have been. They were superb for the last 20 minutes going forward but it had taken them two games and 70 minutes to show any attacking momentum. Many of their squad will be retiring now so a word for Fabio Cannavaro who in the 2006 World Cup, was the best defender I’ve ever seen, bar none. He’s 36 now and this was one tournament too many for him but in his prime, what a player.

The other game finished 0-0 so New Zealand go out despite not losing a game. I wonder what the odds were on that happening. Paraguay go through as group winners though they will be concerned at their lack of a clinical finisher. They had all the play today but came up with a blank. Slovakia finish 2nd s that’s a nice 2nd Round game for Holland and Italy…. finish last… unlike with the French though, it doesn’t give me much pleasure to say that.

Denmark and Japan were both on three points going into the game against eachother, Holland were already through and were playing Cameroon who were already out. One of the features of the World Cup has been the much maligned Jubulani ball and the fact that no one can take a free kick with it without ballooning it out of the park. Enter the inscrutable Japananese and specifically, Honda who smashed one dead straight from 35 yards which Thomas Sorensen obligingly left a big gap for. On the half hour it was 2-0 as this time, Tommy boy lined up his wall in the wrong place, allowing Endo to nonchalantly curl one in from a similar distance. The Danes who needed to win to go through, tried to respond but had n idea aside from the hoof upto Bendtner, who was getting no change out of the Japanese central defence. Sorensen did his best to throw another one in at the start of the second half, fumbling a tame lob into the box, onto his own crossbar. The Danes had a great chance to pull one back when Tomasson had a free shot from 8 yards but trying an airshot and connecting only with your standing leg is not the way to go about it. He did manage a goal five minutes later but even then, he ballsed a penalty first and then bobbled the rebound apologetically into the net. It was if then, that Japan woke up and Honda tricked his way into the box and laid it on a plate for Okazaki to make it 3-1 and confirm Japan going through to face Paraguay.

In the meaningless match, Holland beat Cameroon 2-1 and the only thing of note really, was the appearance of the perma-injured Arjen Robben who came on as a sub and smashed a great shot against the post which rebounded to Huntelaar to steer in from a difficult angle for the winner. The win confirmed Holland in top spot, going through to play Slovakia. It would be rude not to mention Cameroon’s Rigobert Song who came on as a sub to play in his 4th World Cup, looking like a Rasta Father Christmas with blonde hair and beard…. Very odd.

The knockout draw is shaping up and one half of the draw, England’s half is looking not too clever. All we need now is Portugal to beat Brazil tomorrow and the Brazilians are in our half as well….. watch this space.

Unbelievably, Franz Beckenbauer has seen fit to open his trap again, apparently we're 'stupid' not to have won the group. It's not as if we did it on purpose mate... I think he's bricking it myself.

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Now give it back and go home...

World Cup Part 5 - Revolution !!!

JT's Room, Rustenberg, Monday

SUNDAY 20th JUNE

Firstly, news from the French camp where Nicolas Anelka has been sent home by the manager and the players have all refused to train in protest at the French Federations handling of the situation. Bizarrely, the players get the manager who Anelka had the bust up with, to read out their militant letter explaining that they are refusing to train. Domenech has the air of a man who knows he only has to put up with this shit for another couple of days. He reads the statement and he looks like he doesn’t give a toss any more. Meanwhile, Patrice Evra has had a barney with the fitness coach who is caught on video dramatically hurling his accreditation badge thing to the floor. In addition, some French Federation bigwig has quit in disgust. Fantastic. Wonder what Michel Platini makes of it all.

To the football and Paraguay continue their impressive form with a comfortable 2-0 win against Slovakia who in truth, offer nothing at all. Like all the south American sides, the Paraguayans are brilliant in possession but do tend to squander chances, taking until the 82nd minute to make the game safe with a second goal.

Italy – or ‘England in Blue’ as they should be known, take on group minnows New Zealand so it’s Current World Champions versus team that doesn’t even have a professional league. NZ go 1-0 up through ex-Halifax superstar Shane Smeltz and Italy get back in it with an arbitrary penalty decision when the ref just decides that a bit of shirt pulling means a penalty. De Rossi’s shirt is pulled one way and he falls the other. Anyway, penalty and Iaquinta scores. NZ go into full defensive mode and are quite brilliant at keeping the Italians out and in fact came closest to winning it when Wood fired wide in the last minute. Anyway, best result in NZ football history, complete with topless women in the crowd which is something that never happens enough and certainly did it for Robbie Savage on the radio commentary. They really are like England in that they have decent players who play for decent clubs but struggle like mad. Also, the top clubs in the Italian league are full of foreigners… I mean, Inter Milan won the Treble with a team made up of South Americans with European passports – not an Italian amongst them.

Refereeing reached a new low in the Brazil v Ivory Coast match in the evening when Brazil were 1-0 up through Luis Fabiano (great shot that was) and the same player played keep-uppy with his arm twice, before scoring the decisive second goal. Courtesy of BBC HD, we got a replay of the ref running back with a big smile on his face, miming the ball hitting his arm and presumably asking Fabiano if he handled it. ’Not me Sir’ said Fabiano and so the goal stood. You can imagine Emile Heskey running after the ref to tell him that he did handle it and getting the goal disallowed. Silly me… that implies the big bollocks had scored I the first place. 3-0 soon after when Elano tapped in a Kaka cross and then Sven substitution masterclass with three like for like substitutions - charlatan. Brazil slacked off and Drogba pull one back with a neat header. What everyone will remember from this game though was an Ivory Coast defender running into the back of Kaka and going down holding his face, even though the contact, if there was any was at lower rib level. The referee who wasn’t even looking decided it was a 2nd yellow and off he went. An absolute joke.

In the evening, the England camp decided to go a bit French and John Terry decided that a few weeks without shagging anyone was not on so he decided to shag himself by publicly going to war with Capello over tactics and especially, Joe Cole’s omission. Bigging up a player who is not in the starting XI only going to be seen one way by any manager – as a direct challenge to his authority. It was very entertaining though and in one respect, you have to pat him on the back for speaking his mind but talk about being up yourself. For what it’s worth, I agree with Terry but I wouldn’t be surprised if JT awakes with a severed horses head in his bed on Monday morning and we’re lining up with Upson and Dawson at centre backs on Wednesday.

World Cup Part 2 - Franz Beckenbollocks

Ze Englanders ist scheisse !

MONDAY 14th JUNE

I picked out Holland v Denmark as my game to watch for the day. It was the 12.30 kick off and I was looking forward to seeing the Dutch who pissed through qualifying and when they get it right, are unstoppable, despite the presence of Dirk Kuyt who,despite being one of the most untalented footballers I’ve ever seen, manages to play effectively for Liverpool and for the Dutch national side. Holland also feature Mark Van Bommel who is one of the nastiest, dirtiest, most horrible players around. The game kicked off and for the first 10 minutes, it was World Cup 2010 boredom….. and then I woke up with the commentators shouting ‘own goal’. Somehow I’d slept through the first half and the half time interview, coming to as the replay of the gangly Danish left back heading a clearance onto Dan Agger and past Thomas Sorensen for an own goal. He compounded the error by grinning which is not the sort of reaction you want to see. Danish centre back Kjaer was being hyped as a possible signing for a Premiership club but he looked pretty average and was badly ball watching as a shot came back off the post and was followed in by my mate Dirk. 2-0 to the Dutch and pretty easy but not particularly impressive.

It was more impessive than Japan v Cameroon which was a trulty dreadful game which ended 1-0 to Japan with a goal from Honda, from a through ball from Mitsubishi, following a one-two with Suzuki. People of my age watch Cameroon and expect the 1990 side who were wonderfully entertaining and slightly unhinged in a brutal sort of way. See one of my favourite bits of World Cup action ever…




This incarnation played their best player (Samuel Eto’o) out on the right wing and he hardly got a kick. There was no mention of him signing for Portsmouth soon on the commentaries. That just left Italy v Paraguay which was heading for a 1-0 to Paraguay until the Paraguay keeper did a Superman impression with his eyes shut and gifted De Rossi and equalizer. Italy – the defending champions – look a desperately poor side but then they always do in the group games. I bet they make the last 4.


TUESDAY 15th JUNE

I was out all day so mercifully, I didn’t watch New Zealand v Slovakia or Portugal v Ivory Coast. 1-1 and 0-0 respectively. The New Zealand game was poor like it was always going to be with a bit of excitement occurring when NZ equalized in the 94th minute. Fair play to them on their first World Cup point. I’m sure all the sheep will be nervious tonight.

Sven Goran Ericsson is a man I hold in complete contempt for being a complete fucking charlatan but here is again, no doubt being paid a fortune to manage Ivory Coast in this World Cup with someone else having done the hard work and getting them to the Finals. He has a very talented group of players at his disposal, led of course by Didier Drogba who was playing despite breaking his arm last week – a remarkable show of toughness from a man who falls over and cries like a fucking baby virtually every week in the Premiership. Sven managed though to bore the shite out of everyone though by not allowing anyone to get forward from midfield and Portugal, including that slimy little bastard Ronaldo, were totally devoid of ideas to break them down aside from one bit of greaseball magic which saw Ronaldo hit the post.

The evening match was Brazil against 11 blokes we’d never heard of from North Korea. The magic of Brazil- would they turn on the style of old ? not a chance. It’s depressing to see that they have some severely average players this time around as well, despite one of these (Elano) netting the 2nd goal. Maicon had previously given Brazil the lead with a blast from a narrow angle which may or may not have been a fluke but the highlight of the match was the 89th minute goal by (insert Korean name here) which was as deserved as it was unexpected.

The English media today was dominated by the comments of Franz Beckenbauer who basically said that we were shit. OK, he didn’t use that work but I put what he did say through a German to English translator and ‘shit’ was the outcome. Smug tosser – yes Germany played well and England didn’t but in mitigation…. We played at altitude, you played at sea level, we played a better side, we played against 11 men all match and our keeper has dropped his one bollock for the tournament and will be brilliant from here on in.

Spain tomorrow…. Entertainment please…