Premier League Match 23 - Watford 2 Southampton 2

Doucoure Punches Final Nail in the Cofffin

Spoiler alert.

So, the game happened on Saturday and it’s now Tuesday and the only reason I can be arsed to write a blog entry about it is because I’m a completist so leaving things half done is not an option.  You could basically take the top and bottom of virtually any report I’ve written this season and change the actual match description in the middle.  It’s fucking crap.

The transfer window is rolling on and so far we’ve done nothing – all entirely predictable.  The trail on Theo Walcott has gone cold with him looking set to sign for Everton because they’ve got more money.  To be fair, I never really saw this one as a runner anyway because it’s exactly the sort of thing we leak to the press to take attention away from who we are really after.  It’s perfect for that – he’s English, a World Cup is coming up, he’s current with a big club and there’s the ex-Saint angle.  All this is ideal for journos to make copy out of.  We appear to be after a striker called Guido Carillo who has played for Pellegrino before.  Carillo might be a good player but the most worrying thing about this is that this implies Pellegrino is here to stay.

Anyway, to today and Watford away.  They pissed all over us at St Mary’s which was probably the game when the alarm bells first started ringing about Pellegrino.  Marco Silva comprehensively out-managed him that day but Watford’s season started to fall away as soon as Silva was linked with and prevented from moving to Everton.  It’s fallen away to such an extent that they are second bottom of the Premier League form table.  Guess who’s bottom?

Tombola time and Boufal gets dropped of course and Tadic gets brought back.  There are welcome returns for Wesley Hoedt and Cedric with Bednarek and Yoshida making way with Maya being injured.  Shane Long is again preferred to a striker who can actually score goals.

Saints start quite well as Watford don’t really look very good and Romeu bursts through a tackle on the edge of the box and finds Long in front of goal.  Shane predictably hits it straight at Gomes, only for referee Roger East to give an offside, even though it wasn’t offside and the linesman hadn’t flagged.  Then the linesman flagged once the ref had given it.  Great officiating all round.

The shiteness of the officials is forgoptten after 15 minutes as Long does what he’s good at and outpaces the left back and the covering Watson and bustles to the bye line, pulling the ball back via a deflection to JWP who neatly passes it into the far corner of the net.  Get in.  Two goals in two games for JWP and now on a veritable streak.

Watford still look like they can’t be arsed and we manage to stay on the front foot with Wesley striding up from the back and trying a ridiculous 40 yarder.  For a second it looks like it’s over Gomes but he gets back to tip it over.  Great effort though.  We have to capitalise on the opposition not being at it and Tadic, back in his best position on the left, skins Janmaat and sends the ball low across the six yard box but unfortunately it goes to Long who for a split second has an open goal but after deciding not to take it first time and take a touch, a covering defender blocks the half hit shot easily.

The Watford fans are getting really pissed off with their team and are grumbling at their manager as well as he’s hooked Cleverley after half an hour and their mood only gets worse on half time as a ball out of defence by Hoedt sends Long away on the left versus Wague.  Shane puts on the burners and is gone, squaring to Tadic in the middle who superbly tees up the arriving JWP and our main goalscoring threat buries it under Gomes to put us 2-0 up.  What the fuck is happening here?

Half time and a brief inspection of Twitter reveals thousands of Saints fans tweeting variations of “don’t fucking sit back”.  Surely to Christ we’re going to have learnt the lessons from all the other games we’ve thrown away.  Watford bring on Troy Deeney and stick him right up top with Andre Gray.  Silva obviously deciding to be pro-active and go for it now, rather than later.  We all know what’s coming – 4-4-2 Route 1, Mike Bassett.

The first ten minutes of the half confirm this and it’s worrying straight away as the balls start raining down on Deeney who is playing against Stephens who has shat his pants.  Retreat, retreat, retreat.

On the hour, a loose ball falls to Davo on the edge of our box and he tries to run it out, panics and then looks for the sideways ball which isn’t there and then loses it.  Deeney lays is square to Janmaat who belts one from the edge of the box with McCarthy superbly tips onto the bar and it flies up in the air.  We have three defenders in the vicinity compared to Watford’s one attacker but guess who reacts first and Gray heads down and in to make it 2-1 with half an hour to go.  If you were a better man you would put money on us losing now.

Having overseen the game completely change in Watford’s favour, Pellegrino makes what is basically a like for like swap with Lemina on for Davis.  Nothing else changes and we just give the ball away and Watford are all over us.  Corners and crosses come into our box and we just don’t compete for them and it’s left to McCarthy to be the only decisive one in there, coming out and claiming crosses well.  We are getting deeper and deeper and in addition, we are not stopping crosses coming into our box.  Silva is proactive again to try and force the issue and on comes Okaka who is another big unit to play up front.  He immediately starts roughing people up and the smell coming out of Stephens shorts is now ridiculous.  We get away with one with ten to go as more chaos in our box and Romeu falls over, taking the opportunity to grab and hold Okaka's shirt.  Clear penalty really but those aren't getting given now for some reason.

Stephens and Hoedt for that matter may as well not be there regarding winning the ball as Deeney wins everything but somehow we get to the 90^th minute still 1-0 up and then it happens.  A huge cross under no pressure from the right, Stephens falls on his arse and doesn’t even challenge Deeney who heads across and Doucoure messily bundles it into the net as McCarthy seems to bottle it.  All of our players are appealing for handball and the first replay confirms it.  McCarthy has left the ball because Doucoure isn’t getting it and then the Watford man punches it into the net.  Well spotted Roger East and linesman. 2-2 and nail in the coffin and another Pellegrino master class.

It’s not the end though as there’s a couple of minutes to go and the fucking idiot makes a double substitution to try and win it with Sims and Boufal coming on for JWP and Tadic.  He even delays taking JWP off because we have a set piece to take – so why are you taking him off if you want him to take all the set pieces then you fucking twat.  Enjoy your two minutes lads – I bet the ban counters are happy with having to pay out two appearance bonuses for that.

An interesting theme that keeps cropping up over the last few months has been the parallels between this season and the last time we get relegated out of the Premier League in 2004/5. The main similarity has been at the wasted points where we let in goals in the last few minutes and the games against weaker teams in the division where we didn’t win when we really should have done.

Another parallel is the fact that I’m almost feeling completely numb about the whole thing. When the second goal went in for Watford, the ball hit the net and I kind of just shrugged my shoulders because everyone could see it coming and you knew it was going to come. From the start of the second half, Saints just went further and further back with the manager not reacting to Watford’s change of shape and let’s be honest, it is not rocket science and once again, and opposition manager didn’t have to do anything particularly scientific to baffle our team and manager. Put on the second striker and lump it forward. Anyone who watched the Mike Bassett film could have implemented those tactics but it was beyond Pellegrino to do anything about it. Let’s face it, he’s faced this change a few times now in English football and it just doesn’t matter. Move the defence up and move the strikers away from our goal.  Deeney and Okaka aren't quick so they aren't going to run behind you and their headers will drop into midfield rather than onto the penalty spot.  It's not hard.

We and specifically Pellegrino totally fail to adapt. It's not just him though - where are the leaders ont he pitch.  Where's the centre back moving the defensive line into the right place. Pellegrino was an international centre back for fuck sake.  Mind you, it is not Pellegrino‘s fault that he has to pick Jack Stephens as a central defender, a central defender who cannot hit the ball. He has lots of other qualities but he can’t head the ball. At the other end of the pitch, we have a striker who cannot score a goal. He does loads of other good stuff but he cannot score a goal and surely a striker who cannot score a goal and the central defender who cannot head a ball is like having a goalkeeper who can’t catch or midfield player who can’t pass the ball. If we push the defence up then Deeney can win as many headers as he likes. He says that he tried to adapt by bringing Lemina on for Davis and dropping Romeu to just in front of the central defenders -basically retreating.

Whilst we’re on the subject of Davis, he really adds nothing to the team at the moment. Nothing going forward and nothing defensively. Apart from Pellegrino not reacting to when Watford changed the shape, the biggest single factor why we didn’t win today was Davis piss-assing around with the ball in midfield and losing it which led directly to the first goal.

The positives today start with the authoritative Alex McCarthy in goal. Commanding the penalty area like a goalkeeper is supposed to do, I now hold my hands up and admit I was wrong about him and he does look a much better all round keeper then Fraser Forster does. JWP got two more goals and he needs to keep this going and aim to school seven or eight by the end of the season. Though I am not his biggest fan and was punching the wall when I saw his name on the team sheet, Tadic had a good game in the first half, mainly because he managed to find himself some space, usually on the left hand side. What a surprise, the left footed player is better on the left. To be fair, he did turn up right across the pitch in the first half and contributed well everywhere. Shane Long what’s the usual 100% effort having a major hand in both of the goals but he was also 100% predictable when trying to stick the ball in the net himself. A decent striker smashes that in the net first time instead of taking a touch and allowing a defender to block.

So I’ve managed to write this much post-match without mentioning the handball. How in the name of fuck do both the referee and the linesman miss possibly the most obvious handball ever. It’s not as if it was a slight deflection. He is basically caught the ball one-handed and then threw it in the net. There are two movements, a first to stop the ball as it came across and a second to push it into the net. The question is been raised as to whether Doucoure should face a charge for deceiving the referee successfully. Well of course he fucking should. He’s deliberate put it in the net with his hand.

After the game, the conversation was all about VAR and whether it should be rushed in because that fits the current narrative. There is no way however that you can say that the result was unfair nand in no way should the VAR chat detract away from the fact that Pellegrino is fucking useless.  Watford deserved a point for the way they had come out in the second half and the way the manager was proactive. Saints didn’t deserve to win because of the way we totally sat back in the second half and because of the way our manager did absolutely fuck all. What other manager in the history of football makes two game changing substitutions in the 92nd minute. By game changing, I mean substitutes that are not designed to just waste time.

So, what have we learnt from today? Probably nothing that we didn’t know already. It’s nothing new but it has been reinforced the Pellegrino does not have the slightest fucking clue what he’s doing and he should be sacked straight away. We have also had it reinforced that we need new players with a centre back and central striker being absolutely vital. We know that Pellegrino will have learned absolutely nothing because he’s been taught the same lesson six or seven times already this season and he carries on doing the same things. We’ve learnt that Doucoure is a fucking cheat. It’s all very well saying well what if one of our players had done it. The fact remains that it wasn’t one of our players who did it and Doucoure is a fucking cheat. However, if that goal means that Pellegrino gets sacked then Doucoure will have actually made a positive effect on our season. The board have to be decisive and get rid of the idiot now. It is not too late but if he is still in charge by the time we play Brighton at home then it will be too late and we will be playing football in the championship next season.

Hello Mr Gao – your investment is going to shit!

Premier League Match 22 - Southampton 1 Crystal Palace 2

The Audiobook Version is Particularly Nauseating

So will the first game at 2018, a home game against Crystal Palace be another two steps back after half a step forward or would it be the start of better times ahead for Southampton Football Club after the Annus Horribilis that was 2017.  As if everyone wasn’t feeling positive enough after the Manchester United game, the club wheeled out Motivational Hockey Guy Ralph Krueger to answer some questions from the local journalists.   

I saw the link come up on Twitter and before I listened to it I was thinking that this is bad timing because if we get beat tonight then it’s all going to get thrown back at him big time.  Anyway, I think the local journalist, Adam Blackmore knew that he couldn’t fuck around with his questions so when he piled in on question one with ‘finishing eight and the cup final got the last manager sacked….’, it was a test for Ralph and his talent for Management Bollockspeak but one which he passed with flying colours, coming across like one of those annoying fuckers you see on LinkedIn and coming out with phrases that you never hear anyone in football come out with like “we finished in single digits”. I assume what he means by that is that we finished between first and ninth. You see, it all makes perfect sense. When you actually wade through the Bollockspeak and look what he actually had to say, it is clear that we are no longer selling the top four dream to the fan base which anyone with half a brain new was completely unrealistic anyway.   The trouble was that he got this message across in a rather patronising way by repeatedly stating that we are a ‘small club’.  Yes Ralph, compared to the super rich Wanker Clubs at the top, we are small but don’t say we’re small compared to 7^th – 20^th in the Premier League or anyone else further down.

The annoying thing for me was that he wanted to blame the Virgil van Dijk situation for everything.  It has cast a cloud over the squad and the managers work apparently.  Oh ok then.  Personally I do subscribe to the ‘one bad apple’ theory to a degree, especially when it’s a player previously seen as a leader (see Fonte also).  Personally, I could have done with him making a reference to the last three transfer windows which have all left issues unresolved.  He’s never going to make a negative reference to the current manager or the Board’s record in appointing the last two managers but the inference that all would now be OK with Pellegrino because van Dijk has now gone is completely laughable. Despite saying that finishing eight was fantastic for a small club like Southampton, he justified the Claude sacking by saying that it was based on a feeling or the big picture, rather than an individual event (ie, finishing 8^th, getting to a Cup Final). I guess what he means is that Claude wasn’t a right fit for the philosophy of the club, whatever that is these days. If Claude sacking was based on a feeling then I do wonder how he cannot have a feeling that Mauricio Pellegrino is totally out of his depth and/or a fucking idiot.

So to today and now that Virgil has gone, I assume everything will be okay. Well it didn’t start terribly well with Wesley Hoedt being ruled out with a concussion, I assume picked up when he nutted the back of Lukaku’s head on Saturday. This raised a horrifying prospect of replacing him with Jan Bednarek, one of the embodiments of our last crap transfer window. As it turned out, the tombola brought in the lesser of two evils, Jeremy Pied, with Jack Stephens moving to centre back to partner Maya Yoshida against Christian Benteke. Fucking hell this is going to be fun.  Elsewhere, Ryan Bertrand was back with Sam McQueen dropping out altogether and up front, in a game we have to win, so scoring nil is not an option, we have a striker who hasn’t scored since February.

Crystal Palace have amazed me and Roy Hodgson has amazed me in that he has produced a really good recovery from probably the worst start in Premier league history and they will comfortably stay up. They don’t have much of a defence especially without the injured Dann and Sakho but they have goals in their team, they have battlers and physicality and they also have pace in the side in Zaha and Townsend and most importantly, they all seem to be pulling in the right direction and playing for a manager who they respect.

Away we go on a pitch that looks quite heavy and our first ball forward is not cleared properly and Tadic chests it into the path of Shane Long who has a clear sight of goal and the opportunity to give us a dream start but he smashes it into Row Z.  Crap.

Another decent chance goes begging and I can’t remember too much about it and I can’t be arsed to rewatch the highlights and then Bertrand gets sent away down the left and whips a great ball over which is ends up with Pied over on the right.  Instead of chipping it back he takes his time and sends it across low into space and a Saints player reacts first and cracks it into the net past a stunned Hennessey and a disbelieving crowd.  Why disbelieving…. It’s Shane Long.  Fuck me it’s a new year.  I had no idea who scored it as I was up the other end and I forgot my glasses.  It was all slightly blurred which I find, is the best way to watch Saints these days.

For the rest of the half we don’t do much.  Palace are fucking woeful but we seem content to just sit there and let the half play out.  You know because of this manage that this is exactly what he wants us to do.  Just sit back, be passive and try and win 1-0… against a very average side at home.

So, 1-0 up but it really should be more but we’ve sat back once again after scoring.  There’s no way Palace will be as bad in the second half so we may have missed the boat here.  Sure enough, as the teams emerge for the second half, Palace have removed the ineffective Cabaye and brought on van Aanholt which I assume will mean either he or Schlupp to the left wing and Zaha up front with Benteke.  We predictably start with the same team though how Tadic has done enough in those 45 minutes to stay on the pitch is beyond me.

It starts fairly even but Palace have the first good chance as Benteke gets the ball with his back to goal.  He turns with all the grace of an oil tanker but he still gets the shot away and McCarthy gets down well to keep it out by the post.  Palace have takjen over possession now and we’re digging in and not creating a thing.  Hodgson makes another sub, sending in the massive unit that is Sako and throwing him up front with Benteke, with Zaha going back out to the left.  This is so much like the Burnley game when they threw on a big striker it’s untrue.  Pellegrino gets Davis warmed up and ready to come on – surely the end of Tadic who has actually managed to get worse since half time.

Four minutes it takes – that’s all.  Palace win a free kick on our right after a horrible lunge and miss by Long.  The initial free kick is half cleared and crossed back in again.  It’s headed back across at the back post and Pied and JWP have totally lost the players they were marking and they’re queueing up at the back post to knock it in, MacArthur does and 1-1.  Predictable.  Davis is still ready to come on and on he comes for JWP so tadic gets to stink the place out for longer.  We need another goal so naturally, take off the set piece taker who is bar far not the worst player we have on the pitch.

With us struggling to get anything going forward, and losing the midfield battle and losing in the physicality stakes, Pellegrino decides to match up Palace with 4-4-2, even though we don’t have the players to do this, especially when you take Hojbjerg off who a) has been our best midfielder by a mile and b) is one of the physical players.  On comes Gabbiadini and he has one chance to rectify this horrendous fuck up with his final substitution.  Lemina is the only player who might make a difference to the situation but Pellegrino burns the last chance by sending on Redmond for Tadic who has finally done enough to get substituted.

It takes one minute.  The Gods of Football are looking down and they decreed that a manager can’t possibly be this stupid and inept and get away with it.  Palace go down the right and a low cross to the edge of the box where there is a Palace player in a very large Hojbjerg shaped space and Milovojevic curls it into the bottom corner, giving McCarthy no chance at all.  Forster would have been blamed for it if he’d been in goal mind you.

More predictability – we won’t do anything.  The closest we get is a corner which Romeu flicks on and it goes just wide with Gabbi failing to get a touch at the far post, due in part to McArthur having a big handful of his shirt.  Ref’s don’t give that these days though as the initiative only lasted a few weeks.

The last chance is for Palace and Zaha and it sums up where we are not good enough.  Hennessey launches it and Stephens waves his foot at it like an Under 8 player who has never headed a ball in his life.  The ball bounces and Zaha clearly can’t believe that a defender can be that shit and smashes it over the bar.

The second half was as crushingly predictable as anything has been over the last two seasons. It was obvious that there was no way the Palace would be as bad in the second half as they were in the first.  Hodgson beefed things up – Cabaye went off for van Aanholt, Sako came on for Schlupp so they had two monsters up front against our fragile defenders.  When they began to take over the midfield, it was obvious that they were going to score the next goal and sure enough they did. When it was 1-1, there was only one team that was going to go in front and they weren’t playing in red and white and once Palace went in front, there was no way on Gods green Earth that we were going to score. The managers part in this was to ensure that it happened, firstly by a lack of activity before the Palace equaliser and then some absolutely brainless shit once they scored.

The first half was pretty crap as well.  We have a great chance to take the lead in the first minute, then we scored, then we sat back and did fuck all for the rest of the first half instead of trying to put the game to bed when Palace were there for the taking.

The substitutions were incredible in their lack of effect and predictable lack of effect. Steve Davis had been ready to come on for a good three or four minutes when we were one nil up. I though the first sub would be Lemina for Tadic as Tadic had been wank but ok, Davis for Tadic might not be too bad.  Davis was still waiting to come on when we let the first goal in so the game has completely changed. It is no longer good enough to hang onto the score that we have and we have to go out and get another goal but he made the same change that he was going to make whilst we were still leading. I dare say that he may have dynamically decided (*** sarcasm alert **) to substitute a different player but somehow I doubt that. As it was, he took off JWP who wasn’t having a great game but when you need a goal, you kind of need a guy who can take free kicks and corners and he was also doing a good job helping Pied defensively. So Davis came on and Tadic, who had been a complete and utter fucking waste of space all game got moved to the right hand side where he has consistently proved to be utter shit.

Things started to look even more wonky from that point and then he bought Gabbiadini on and took off Hojbjerg who was easily our best midfielder and this meant that Steve Davis got moved into the the defensive midfield position, where he has consistently proved to be at shit. Subsequently, we end up playing 4-4-2 with Redmond on to eventually put Tadic out of his misery and it’s the same four midfielders, Redmond, Romeu, Davis and Boufal that played when we went 4-4-2 against Burnley and Pellegrino said afterwards, that it doesn’t work with those four players because three of them are too small. Why not try it again then you fucking idiot. We lost our Burnley game as well and we lost this one.  He did it in another game as well which I can’t remember but it didn’t work then either.

It’s not just Pellegrino’s fault as some of the players really need to have a long look at themselves. Dusan Tadic – fucking hell. When he plays in the number 10 position he is ahead of the ball quite a lot and he never moves. He makes a run away from the defender so what happens is that the deeper midfielders either can’t pass to him or if they do he just loses it because he’s not strong enough to hold off the defender and he’s made no move to get away from the defender. So is that Tadic just being a lazy bastard or is it Pellegrino picking him in a position where he is just not suited. To me, a simple change would have been to swap Tadic and Boufal over but no.

In fairness, Stephens and Yoshida weren’t too bad, possibly because Benteke is so out of form but the Under 8s defending in the last minute when Stephens waved his foot at a Hennessey goal kick that bounced in the edge of our box was a thing of beauty.  Jeremy Pied did well for the goal but he reminds me of a kids player who can’t kick a ball far enough.

As for the rest of the players, well I was impressed with Alex McCarthy and Pierre Hojbjerg was good again. It was of course amazing to see Shane Long score a goal but that’s probably his one for 2018. He should’ve scored after 15 seconds and again when we were to one down when he had a chance to chip the keeper and instead smacked out the fucking moon.

We have too many players who are bottom six players. Pied, Yoshida, Stephens, Tadic, Long and the likes of Davies, Redmond, JWP aren’t much above that.  Ralph can put as much Shiny Happy Motivational Bollockspeak as he likes around that and it won’t change a thing and nor will Virgil not being here any more.

Over to you Les – you have £75 million to spend and I suggest you do it quickly.  The only job to do before that is to get rid of the useless manager.  Barring a miracle, we are going out of the FA Cup in our next game away at Fulham so that is the season over as far as anything positive is concerned. We are in a relegation fight with nine out of our last 16 games away from home. Unless we sign some players and sign them soon then there is only one way that we are going. As it stands at the moment, I cannot see us getting ourselves out of it.  We have a potent combination of average players, a shit manager and suspect attitudes.  The only hope is that there is some utter shit in the Premier League this year but at the moment, we are one of the worst four teams along with Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

If the manager stays – we are getting relegated.  Spin that one Ralph.

Premier League Match 19 - Southampton 1 Huddersfield 1

With Any Luck This Is A Wave Goodbye

When the fixtures were announced and we saw the list of games we had for December, one stood out as ‘3 points’ and that was this one, Huddersfield at home – and the Leictester at home one which we’ll gloss over here,.  Huddersfield had a very good start to the season and then tailed off as newly promoted sides are prone to do and for the last few weeks they’ve been picking up the odd result including a thumping 4-1 win at Watford last week. 

Saints have generally been utter turd this season but I’m sure that all will be well now because Les Reed has risen from the dead and done something.  Public enemy number one apart from the obvious candidates like the manager and Les Reed himself has been Eric Black. Eric was brought in by Claude Puel, mainly because he worked with him before and because he spoke French. When Claude left, I assumed Eric would be following him out the door but he’s stayed on and joined Pellegrino’s staff. There must’ve been a reason for this but I don’t know what it is. Maybe, just maybe, the people that matter, as in the players and the board, think that he was good at his job.

Because he was a caretaker manager Aston Villa when he inherited a job that would’ve been beyond Jesus Christ himself, it appears that he has been tarred as being useless and one of the main reasons why we’ve not been so great for the last season and a half. I must have missed the announcement that said that Eric Black had decided to sell Sadie Mane, Graziano Pelle and Victor Wanyama in the same summer. I also missed the announcement that he was picking the team and deciding on the tactics and substitutions. I also missed the announcement that the reason that both Jose Fonte and Virgil Van Dijk have thrown the toys out of the pram was because of Eric Black. Eric Black is actually an anagram of antichrist if you take a few letters out and had a few more in. The only thing Eric Black did wrong really was get caught up in that gambling sting which turned out to be a complete load of bollocks anyway.

There is a slight question left unanswered as usual because he is apparently leaving because he’s got a bad back. In any other line of work, if you have a bad back then you go off sick for a period of time and get it sorted but it appears that he is no longer going to be employed by Southampton FC so I wish him well with whatever he chooses to do next.

I’m not looking forward to today.  I have a distinct mood of pessimism about the whole thing.   Our Itchen Bridge game of predicting the scores has wild Optimism from my son and my Dad and brutal 1-1 realism from me. Before the game and before I saw what team Pellegrino had picked for today I had decided to write down the League 1 Minus 10 rules for picking a starting 11.  This was by no means an exhaustive list and was thrown together in approximately three minutes and listed things I just think are obvious.

1) Only ever pick a Tadic or Davis, never both. If you pick both of them then it’s too one-paced and not enough pace or power in the side.  We are not Barcelona.

2) Never pick Steve Davis as a defensive midfielder because he is fucking useless there. He doesn’t track runners and can’t tackle and doesn’t win headers because he’s 5 foot 8.

3) If Nathan Redmond is going to play it has to be on the right and never the left. It just doesn’t work on the left.

4) If Tadic plays, it can never be as a right winger. Virtually all of the decent games he played for Saints in the dim and distant past were as a left winger.

5) Shane Long upfront on his own. No nay never, no nay never no more.

6) Only pick players who are hundred percent committed to Southampton football club. A can’t be arsed, sloppy attitude from one player spreads.  One bad apple and all that.

7) Sofiane Boufal always starts.  He’s not the finished article but in the context of this squad, he has to start every game as he’s the only attacking player we have who is not relatively easy to defend against.

I am sure that Pellegrino will pull something else completely fucking random out of the hat to make me add to this list later on….. and so we are walking past the Chapel Arms when I see the team on my phone.

A quick tot up reveals that 4 out of the 7 rules will have definitely been broken and maybe a 5th depending on where Tadic plays. What the fuck is he doing? It might be slightly different when the game actually starts but on the face of it, we are playing 4-2-3-1 and on paper, the team looks fucking dreadful. The attacking midfield three will be Redmond, Tadic and JWP – how completely uninspired and one dimensional is that?  A defensive midfield of an injured Lemina and fucking Davis. Jack Stephens at right back and even at left back, it’s Matt Targett instead of Sam McQueen. Matt Targett hardly ever gets forward so who is going to put crosses into the box?  Probably the wingers who will also be tasked with defending when they are attacking. It just looks like a fucking disaster waiting to happen. I haven’t even got to the ground yet and I’m already depressed. Is the pub open?

No Romeu, no Hojbjerg, no Boufal… but the story will be no van Dijk who isn’t even in the squad so we can assume that that’s the last we’ve seen of him in a Saints shirt and a deal has been struck with hopefully, anyone apart from Liverpool though anyone who is watched Liverpool‘s defence this season knows that they still need him.

Away we go and I just can’t get excited about this.  There is always that thing that as a supporter, you of course don’t see what goes on at training and just maybe the manager has hit upon a winning formula during the week.  That’s what stops you not bothering about going – it’s the hope that we’ll get it right even though every instinct that you have is telling you that you are about to watch a complete pile of shite.

Huddersfield look the more composed side and our makeshift defence looks all over the place as Ince, the perennial ‘good Championship, Shite Premier League player’ gets down our left easily and picks out Mooy with a low cross who no one has tracked.  He should score but he delays his shot long enough for Hoedt to make a block.  We have not got to grips with anything and we have another huge let off when our left hand side is exposed again and Unpronouneablename at right back stands up a cross to the unmarked Schindler and his header is superbly tipped onto the bar by Fraser.

We have a foray up the other end with a roaming run by Stephens from right back and win a corner, JWP’s kick is cleared out to the left and Targett whips in a good ball which the keeper Lossl punches away and Redmond wins another corner.  This time, JWP’s kick finds Hoedt who wins it easily and heads down and we have a goal hanger two yards out and he stoops to head into the net.  Charlie Austin of course and he’s off to have a celebration in front of the Huddersfield fans.  Not sure what all that’s about but there seems to be some history there.  Anyway, 1-0 up, undeserved but we’ll take it.

Inspired by our tactically astute manager, we know that a clean sheet wins the game but before that, a cross comes into our box and Stephens and Yoshida ball watch and Schindler is in between them but luckily he has a 50p head moment and heads it down and wide.  I don’t care what anyone says – until these two defenders start dominating in the air, they are never going to be good enough to play regularly in a team that doesn’t want to be near the bottom of the Premier League.

Going forward, Stephens is a different matter though and another mazy out of defence sees him try to put Austin through but he’s mistaken Austin for someone with pace and overhits it.  The keeper claims easily and about three minutes pass before Austin arrives, obviously too tired to jump over him so he kicks him in the face.  Do you want Christmas off then Charlie?  Anyhow, the ref doesn’t give anything and the Huddersfield players don’t kick off too much so Austin has completely got away with that one.

We have our best spell just before half time.  In a half that has been so shit, this is not saying much but Austin and Lemina combine for Redmond to cross and Tadic to have a shot blocked by Lossl.  The keeper is having a fun time and he takes ages over a clearance and it gets charged down by Tadic and comes out to Austin who had to hit it first time really but he takes his time and then tries to chip the keeper who is comfortably back in his goal by that time.

                                                                                           

Half time and 1-0 to us but it’s been shocking.  We’re winning due to a set piece goal which was against the run of play.  It’s two desperately poor teams and it’s like being in a time machine when we had players like Neal Trotman and Paul Wotton, such is the level of ineptitude out there. 

The second half starts in much the same way but Huddersfield appear to have upped their game in midfield and are closing us down much quicker.  It takes quarter of an hour but we create the chance to go 2-0 up and kill the game off as Redmond breaks down the left and for once, with the insane cackling laughter of Pep Guardiola ringing in his ears, he bursts pat Unpronounceablename and squares it to Austin who just has the keeper to beat.  It’s a sitter and the ball is with the only player you’d want it to be with.  Shank – wide.  Fuck.

And in that instant, the game changed.  Davis gets bustled off the ball on our left and another cross comes in and falls to Mooy who once again, see his shot blocked but it doesn’t take much Huddersfield pressure to get a goal as substitute Smith takes a pass from Ince and puts over a cross and Depoitre, who is a massive lump with Shredded Wheat on top of his head, has sensibly decided to attack the gaping fucking space between Yoshida and Stephens, knowing that neither will challenge him and he can’t miss and he doesn’t.  Pathetic beyond words.

Maya Looking for The Man He Lost Again.

So, having watched us take a shit in midfield for the past 20 minutes, Pellegrino decides to wait another 10 before changing anything and he hooks Davis and Tadic who have bother been garbage and puts on Hojbjerg and Boufal.  The effect is instant.  Hojbjerg wrestles back the midfield and Boufal commits defenders.

We come close when a JWP corner from the left flicks off Yoshida and goes wide before Lossl gives us another shout with a shite clearance which Austin chests down and hits and Lossl gets lucky as it hits his wrists and stays out.  Austin is down in that all too familiar pose of arm-up, signalling to the bench.  That’s a hamstring and he’s gone for a while.  The Huddersfield fans are loving it as he limps off and Gabbiadini is on.

Though we’re the better side now, it’s too little too late but we get the predictable last minute chance.  This time, a foul by Smith on Boufal gives us a free kick out on the left about 35 yards out.  In it comes from JWP and time and the defence stands still and Yoshida meets it with a superb down wards header and it beats the keeper, hits the base of the post and hits the keeper in the face and bounces clear.  The we get the spectacle of a grown man claiming that he’s injured because the ball has hit him.  Yoshida – not the most irritable of players – gestures to him to get up and it all kicks off with handbags and a mental over-reaction from Huddersfield.

A suitably pathetic moment to finish the game on.

Three more rules for Pellegrino.

8) Never leave both Oriel Romeu and Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg out, ever.  It never even occurred to me before the game that any manager could be that fuckwitted as to do this.

9) Don’t start Maya Yoshida. He has never been good enough to be a starting centre back in the Premier League and he never will be. Goal a game, every game.

10) Don’t play out of position players at full-back. If ever a player is going to get found out then that is the position where they will get found out because they can’t cross the ball.

#PellegrinoOut

Fucking hell. What a tedious bag of shite that was. A dreadful game between two dreadful teams. We were probably unlucky not to win it as Huddersfield scored with their only shot in the second half but let’s not forget but they could’ve been in front before our goal which came from a set piece and totally against the run of play. If Austin scores that sitter then it’s 2-0 and game over but Huddersfield slung a ball into the box and there were Maya and Jack were doing what Maya and Jack do and ball-watching and allowing a free header from 6 yards. Absolute fucking crap.

This is the end of the line to me as far as Pellegrino is concerned. The team looked fucking dreadful on paper and it was predictably fucking dreadful out on the pitch as well. The substitutions that he made, which was far too fucking late made us instantly better once he got Davis and Tadic off the pitch and got Hojbjerg and Boufal on.   The improvement was absolutely instantaneous.  Up to that point, Hudderfield had bossed the midfield in the second half and Pellegrino just stood in the technical area and watched it happen whilst Romeu and Hojbjerg sat on the bench.  Fucking madness. Sadly, there wasn’t enough time for us to make it count. We nearly did with Yoshida’s header but even if that had gone in it would’ve just been papering over the cracks. We are getting no better as a team and Pellegrino has now had 19 matches and won the grand total of four with seven draws and eight defeats. That is bollocks.

After the game, Pellegrino was asked about van Dijk but who fucking cares at the end of the day? We know he’s going and that isn’t news. The more interesting question would’ve been why the fuck were Romeu, Hojbjerg and Boufal all left out for a game that we had to win. Next up we have Tottenham away and Manchester United away. In both games, no doubt we will resort to the 9-0-1 formation which has carried us to narrow defeats at Manchester City and Chelsea. Charlie Austin won’t be fit for those games but it looks like he’s probably going to pick up a suspension anyway for kicking the Huddersfield goalkeeper in the head. (UPDATE: He got  three game ban).  He wouldn’t of been picked for those games anyway as they are the sort of games where Pellegrino picks Shane Long to run around and do fuck all or he picks Gabbiadini to make run after run after run and never get the ball.

What a fucking strange goalkeeper Lossl is. There was always a chance for us every time the ball went near him as he fucked up kicks and showed bad ball control. I have never seen a player get an injury break for getting hit with the ball which is what happened when Maya’s header bounced off the post in the last minute.  I know he’d had a kick in the face earlier but that’s embarrassing.

Huddersfield were pretty shite but what they did do was contest every second ball and not give us any time on the ball at all. In the second half in particular they swarmed all over us and Steve Davis just disappeared in the midfield. Pellegrino should’ve taken him off at half time and put Romeu or Hojbjerg on as we were winning but no, he left it too late to do anything about it so instead of being proactive he was reactive and we didn’t have enough time to bring the game back. He is fucking useless as a manager and he has to go. I would rather put ready Radhi Jaidi in charge for the two games we’ve got coming up and have a new manager in as soon as possible. I just hope that the board have been proactive themselves and have someone lined up.

Nathan Redmond is as usual, getting slaughtered after the game and he didn’t have a great game though he did set up the sitter of a chance for Austin that he missed. I feel that Redmond does exactly what the manager asks him to do and as a result, he doesn’t take risks and he plays safety first if there’s a chance that he might lose the ball. This is probably why he got picked today. It’s more ingrained in Boufal to be a maverick and play off the cuff which is why Pellegrino has a mistrust of him and that’s why he’s a substitute. Though I do think Guardiola is insane, his comments on Redmond to carry a lot of weight, let’s face it and the boy would do much better for us if he was allowed and encouraged to take people on.

The modern game is all about pace and power. We appear to be stuck in 10 years ago mode with having midfield players like Davis, Tadic and JWP who are neat and tidy pretty passing footballers. You can have one of those in your team in the Premier League in my opinion but any more than that and the team becomes slow paced and easy to play against.  You rarely hear the term ‘water carrier’ any more and there’s a reason for that and it’s because the modern game doesn’t need players like that.  Pellegrino should know this by now but even if he doesn’t, he knows that 4 wins in 19 it’s not good enough and playing in exactly the same way is going to continue to fail. There are absolutely no signs of improvement and it is actually worse than the tail end of last season.  Bye – don’t let the door hit your ass.

Spurs away

United Away

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

Premier League Match 5 - Crystal Palace 0 Southampton 1

Mauricio Helps an Old Man to His Seat

After the dismally shit performance against Watford, we travel to Selhurst Park to play a Crystal Palace side who have made it being dismally shit the norm over the past year or so. Fat Sam masterminded their survival last year and then fucked off in the summer for slightly strange reasons to be replaced by Frank de Boer who was given the task to change the way that Palace play which is basically always been long ball and chucking in loads of crosses from the wings.  De Boer introduced a more possession based game which lasted for four games and four defeats and no goals and he was then sacked.  Rumour has it that he told various players and the chairman that they basically weren't fucking good enough to play in a team that wanted to keep possession of the football and the writing was on the wall from that moment on. So, chairman Steve Parish who had appointed de Boer and given him his instructions, decided to appoint Croydon boy and pensioner Roy Hodgson - last seen masterminding a truly pathetic 2-1 defeat for England against Iceland in Euro 2016.

For all the talk of Hodgson having a decent managerial record, let’s not get away from the fact that he was fucking useless as an England manager taking four years to not build a discernible pattern of play, getting knocked out of the 2014 World Cup after two matches and being equally fucking abysmal at Euro 2016. To cap it all, he was fired and then sat in the in the press conference after the tournament saying I don't know why I'm here. He looked and sounded like a resident in a rest home who was sitting in a puddle of his own piss.  There were 7 million reasons (per year) why the hell did he should've been there to explain himself. Anyway, off he went into the sunset and I assumed that no football club would ever be stupid enough to give him another job. Granted his record and club football is not too bad with medium-size clubs but at 70 years old, has he really still got it?  If you could ask that question of Roy Hodgson, you could also ask it of John Motson who has mercifully decided to retire from commentating on football matches. This is at least 10 years too late but at least he has taken the decision and fair play to him.

I've always thought that Palace had a slightly strange squad in that they appear to have players who commanded either a huge transfer fee or would be on huge wages like Benteke and Cabaye and they offset those with players who quite frankly, would not get in any other Premier League team like Jeffrey Schlupp, Jason Puncheon and ex-Skate Joel Ward.

As for us, this week saw the return of the Virgil van Dijk to Saints colours as he played for the under 23’s is against Aston Villa, where he was crap, partially at fault for at least three of the goals that went past Alex McCarthy in our 4-0 defeat. Still, he played 90 minutes and all the indications are that he would be involved in some way at Palace this weekend.

We of course had massive issues with the front half of our team last week against Watford so it would be interesting to see what Pellegrino did this week.  In my opinion, even if not in anyone else's, there was a huge question mark over Jack Stephens as well. In the event, the back end of the team looked very strong with Yoshida preferred to Stephens and Lemina coming back into the midfield. The front for saw Davis preferred to JWP and Tadic instead of Boufal.  I have been calling for the inclusion of Shane Long but assumed it would be in one of the wide positions but he took Gabbiadini’s place upfront.

One of the rules I hate most in football is the one that allows you to loan players to/from clubs in the same division.  With the money available to clubs these days there is absolutely no reason why this should be allowed but it is and Palace have two – Loftus-Cheek from Chelsea and Fosu-Mensah from Manchester United.

There’s the reassuring presence of Roy Hodgson on the touchline as the game starts.  Reassuring for us that is.  Palace have the first attack with the Chelsea player chucking in a cross that Townsend can’t control.  Palace haven’t scored all season and we only have one from open play so no one’s expecting a goal fest so what happens on 6 minutes is a major surprise.  Davis drives forward from midfield and slides in Tadic on the right, he takes on Schlupp on the outside and fires it across first time with his right foot, Hennessey pushes it out and there’s Davo to pass it into the corner of the net, past the ex-Skate who is on the line but going to wrong way.  Get in.

Hang on – we look superb in midfield and in defence.  Lemina is playing like a machine and the back four are well drilled.  Yoshida is competing well with Benteke and Hoedt is spraying the ball about.  This looks great.  It gives us the platform to build and following another Davo break, Tadic picks out Long with a superb cross and he tries to lob a header over Hennessey but gets it wrong and hits the crowd via the corner of his head.

This is Saints though and we can fuck up any situation and after Hoedt wins a challenge in defence, Redmond falls on his arse and Townsend plays in Chelsea and his cross is met by Benteke five yards out but he’s scooped it a bit and Fraser is there to block.  Good save big orange man.

As the half goes on, Lemina is the king in midfield, winning the ball back and driving forward.  The usually decent Cabaye and McArthur are nowhere for Palace.  Their only threat is Made in Chelsea and he combines with Benteke and drills a good low shot just wide from the edge of the box and then produces another decent driving run which ends with a shot which is well blocked by Bertrand.  For all our domination in midfield we are not creating much with a Redmond scuffer which goes wide being as close as we get.  The half ends with Townsend latching on to a Benteke flick and lashing it wide of the near post with his favoured left foot.  He’s crap really isn’t he?

With Saints having emphatically won the midfield battle in the first half, England’s finest changes the Palace shape and decides that it may be better if there’s a player somewhere near Benteke and pushes the Chelsea player forward.  To be fair it works and Saints looks a bit panicky.  Romeu gives the ball away on the edge of our box and Chelsea runs at the left side of our defence and his low cross evades everyone.  Palace recycle it and Schlupp bends in a great cross from the left and Punch meets it about 5 yards out but Fraser has made himself into a huge orange starfish and blocks superbly.  If de Gea or Courtois makes that save then Sky are creaming off about it for years.

Palace’s frustration is beginning to boil over and they start kicking anything that moves.  Saints break up the right and Punch decides to just charge into Tadic with an NFL style block.  He then moans about the yellow card he gets.  Ward is up next with a bit of control that he obviously learned in Portsmouth and he rugby tackles Redmond.  McArthur takes time out from being schooled by Lemina and dives is to two ridiculous challenges in quick succession, seeing yellow for the second when they were both worthy.

It’s about 75 minutes before we make our first sub with Redmond being replaced by JWP.  It’s not been a great day for Nathan so it’s a solid looking substitution.  Roy then makes the managerial decision that has the most benefit to Saints that he could by removing the Chelsea player who has been their best player by a mile.  To be fair, he has been suffering with ‘qwamp’.  I feel that this game is comfortable for us now and then Yoshida smacks a clearance into Lemina which luckily bounces straight to Fraser.  Mario can even snuff our danger when the ball is smashed at him from 5 yards when his back is turned.

With 6 minutes left of the 90 came the moment that the media will be talking about over and above everything when Virgil made the appearance in a Saints shirt that he was never going to make.  On he comes for Tadic and takes his place in between Yoshida and Hoedt which is a sign of things to come for me.  It looks a tactically sound move as Palace are launching everything up to Benteke now.  I’m happy with this because Benteke clearly doesn’t give a shit.  Seriously, I’d take him off and try and play some football.

There are no more alarms as we get to 90.  Whilst the clock is ticking down and you have a 1-0 lead, it’s always nice to be camped up the other end of the pitch and we eventually work it across to Cedric who cuts in from the right and hits a shot at Hennessey which is well blocked.  With just seconds remaining on the clock, Palace attempt to break and the game ends in the same style as it’s had for the past 90 minutes with Lemina hunting down the ball and taking it off a Palace player like he was taking back his own personal property.  That’s my ball, this is my field, these are my rules, now fuck off.  Game over and Roy looks like he needs a blanket and warm milk back in the rest home.

In the end it was a win that showed exactly what we are about. We are resilient defensively and with the two beasts in midfield we should be able to dominate quite a few games. We still haven't got it going quite upfront because if we did have, this game would've been dead and buried at half time whilst we were dominating it. In the end it took two really good saves from Fraser to ensure that we won it. If Palace had got anything out of the game it would've been a fucking travesty but it’s an odd game in that if you just watch the highlights and incidents near the goal, it looks like we’ve survived a battering. Having sacked a manager who actually dared to play some football, they've gone back to a manager who instantly just reverted to smashing it long to Benteke who didn't have any players around him whatsoever, especially in the first half. In the second half, Made in Chelsea got close to him and causes a few problems but then he came off and Roy brought on a defensive midfielder. This pushed Cabaye further forward but to no effect.

Saints dealt with the one Palace tactic, the long ball up to Benteke, by Yoshida getting as close as he could to Benteke and not letting him bring the ball down and when he flicked it on either the full backs or the seriously impressive Wesley Hoedt tidied everything up. The area we completely dominated was in midfield where Lemina was absolutely immense. Romeu did his usual thing and that enabled Steve Davis to roam around, read the game and get the team moving. One thing I will say is that Palace were dirty bastards and fully deserved the five bookings that they got. Some really cynical horrible play combined with moaning about it to the referee afterwards. I know Jason Punch was the captain but he acted like a whiny little bitch right the way through the game.

Shane Long did what Shane Long does and hassled and harried and was a complete pain in the arse for the defenders and you have to say that team selection totally worked. Dusan Tadic had a decent first half before fading horribly on the second but Redmond was poor. He did have a couple of half breaks and efforts on goal but more often than not he was falling on his arse and just giving the ball away. Maybe bring Gabbiadini in to play on the left and make him and Shane Long interchangeable?

We have to talk about Virgil I guess. He came on for the last 10 minutes for the inevitable aerial bombardment and whilst I have no doubt his presence did help matters, his timing was way out getting our jumped for virtually every ball. It'll come I guess.  Even though he didn’t win much, his presence enabled us to have more players to sweep up the flick ons and he did look interested.

So, a great result for Pellegrino in terms of the fact that he obviously thought about what went wrong the previous week and changed it and today was much better. Mind you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put Mario Lemina in the team. He was absolutely fucking outstanding today and it was the easiest decision for the man of the match that there can ever have been. The useless wanker that is Philip Neville was saying on Match of the Day that some of the big clubs will already be looking at Lemina. It's so predictable that it's fucking hilarious. You have to laugh or else you get angry about it.  To give today a bit of context, which Phil Neville is obviously totally incapable of doing, it is the first game that Mario has played 90 minutes for us and we are playing against a team who are bottom of the league having lost all five games. Hey, I think Mario was absolutely brilliant today but it is only one game. Let's see how he gets on against a good side, like the Manchester United side that we play next week.

It was a good day for Mauricio - the charge upfront with Shane work very well as did the central defensive partnership. We just have to work out how to play home games now. It was great for Steven Davis to actually get a shot on target but the best bit of today for me was the two saves by Fraser. The Twitter army who have been slagging him off for quite a long time at every opportunity, were conspicuously absent straight after the game.  They’d still prefer us to pick McCarthy, who let in 4 for the under 23s in midweek and is never fit for longer than 10 minutes.  They also wanted to pick Mouez Hassen last year who no one had ever seen play.

Straight after the game, due to it being an early kick-off, we had shot right at the table to fifth-place which is rather cool. I was looking around at Ronald Koeman and Everton but they were fucking nowhere. I looked for Juergen Klopp and Liverpool and they were below us as well. It looked different at 5pm and we had dropped to 9^th but for now, happy days.

Next up, as mentioned, it's Manchester United at home and the moaning fuck that is Jose Mourinho. Bring it on. Someone's got to hand them their first defeat of the season so why not us.  I see us playing 3-5-2 with Virgil coming into the side in place of either Redmond or Tadic.

You Want This Ball?  Come and Take It.

Claude Puel - Should He Stay or Should He Go?

Ralph Demonstrates How He Will Make It Look Like an Accident.

Koeman leaves for the Everton millions.  OK – who are we getting…?

Frank de Boer – promising – great player – high profile… Nope.

Manuel Pellegrini – class and charisma – high profile…. Nope.

Claude Puel – who?  Oh, ok then... In Les we trust etc

Claude came in after the successful Ronald Koeman left for Everton and immediately changed the whole ethos of the playing side of the club suddenly we went from every team playing a 4-2-3-1 formation with a pressing game to playing the diamond midfield where we sat back and built up slow.  One reason that you don't change the ethos is because you need a different type of player to play any new system and we didn't have the players to play the diamond midfield.  Another reason is if the previous system had proved successful.  This change was on top of there being a European Championships so there was even less time for the new manager to get his ideas across in the summer.

So, we started sluggishly and had two very boring home draws against Watford and against Sunderland. In the Sunderland game in particular we were very lucky to get a point with the goalkeeper falling over a J-Rod shot with five minutes to go. He persisted with this formation at the start of the season and we had Charlie Austin trying to cover up and down the left wing which isn’t his game at all and Nathan Redmond totally failing to be the new Thierry Henry at the point of the diamond.  This was the first time I had the nagging feeling that things we’re going to be a bit bumpy.

We had couple of wins at home against poor sides like Middlesbrough and Swansea which made things look ok but on the flip side of that, we would throw away games at Hull and Burnley with our lack of ambition once behind.  Half an hour to score and we don't even manage a shot on target nor ever give the impression that we were actually going for it.  In the odd game we looked good like West Ham away when we won 3-0 playing some really good slick football with good running off the ball.

Then the European games started and Claude went into rotation mode and with it, any pattern and understandings between players went out the window.  Rotation mode made it seem like he planned the whole thing out on the spreadsheet in advance and it wasn't so much mix and match but it was an A Team and a B team. At the weekends we played the first team (Cedric, Jose, Bertrand with Virgil) and in Europe we more or less played the B team (Cuco, Maya, McQueen with Virgil), with only really Virgil and Oriol Romeu being fixtures in both line-ups. Claude’s CV boasted a lot of European experience which was the main justification from Les Reed for taking on someone who was new to English football and a virtual unknown on these shores. This European expertise brought us to a good position in the group after four games and a famous win against and admittedly declining Inter Milan. We had got a hard earned 0-0 against Hapoel Be’er Sheva and suffered a very unlucky 1-0 defeat in Milan when the Italians scored with their only shot on target after we had missed literally shit loads. The home form in Europe was good having dispatched a piss poor Sparta Prague side three nil and as mentioned, beating Milan. Seven points from four games and we only needed one win from the final two games to get through.

It was in the away match at Sparta Prague where Claude’s truly negative mindset first came to the fore. As per the spreadsheet he picked what was basically a reserve side and we lost in one of the worst performances I have ever seen. As the season went on, I used the phrase ‘one of the worst performances I've ever seen’ quite often.  We could have gone for it in that game, got qualified and rested everyone in the last game… but no.  Be’er Sheva at home and a 0-0 draw would've got us through.  The fact that we could have got through with a 0-0 was a dangerous thing and we played for it, committing no bodies forward and sure as shit, Hapoel predictably scored with their first shot on target meaning that we had 10 minutes to score 2 goals. It was only then that Virgil took it upon itself to go and play as a striker and he scored to make it 1-1 but too little too late. The great European master tactician had totally fucked it up. I can't imagine that his next meeting with Les Reed was a particularly pleasant one.

Undeterred, Claude got us through to a Wembley final, masterminding a quarter final win at The Emirates when we played more first teamers than Arsenal and did the business 2-0.  Then a two legged semi against a Mané-less Liverpool and we defended deep and well and nicked both legs 1-0.  Tactical masterclass, executed to perfection.  Jurgen Klopp and the ex-Saints at Anfield put back in their boxes.  Brilliant.

In between the semi-finals, Virgil had got injured and José Fonte had followed the money so we were forced to play your Yoshida and Stephens as the central defenders and after shocking home game against West Ham we did actually change to the formation we've been using for the last three years with two holding midfielders. We had a bit of success with that including a very good performance at Wembley when we should have won but ultimately, defensive frailties cost us.  The feel-good factor was there though – the fans had a fantastic day and the team and Claude did us proud.  The trouble was just beginning though.

As soon as Claude felt that the central defenders were more solid, he ditched the 4-2-3-1 and we went back to the 4-3-3, the one-striker-in-the box-if-we're-lucky formation. We didn't have much to play for post Wembley so it was down to the manager to get the most out of the players he had and Claude spectacularly failed, judging by the number of completely half-assed boring performances we put in.  We didn’t ever look like getting sucked into a relegation battle but there were very few points between 8^th and 16^th and we could have finished anywhere in that range.  We mulled along, getting the odd win against crap sides like Sunderland and Watford but then it tailed off again. 

Despite all this, I was still in favour of Claude staying because of the stability of having a manager for the second season would bring but then we played Hull City at home.  Hull were a team who hardly had a point away from home all season. They set up for a draw, they didn't attack at all and we did absolutely fuck all. We still only played with the one upfront so on 60 minutes Claude took Gabbiadini off and put Shane Long on, a like for like change that would achieve absolutely nothing. If ever there was a game to put two strikers on then that was it. The fact that we missed a penalty in the last minute meant that his lack of bravery and was not hidden and the cracks were not papered over. It's worth pointing out that that penalty was not won by flooding the opposition box and putting them under ridiculous pressure, it was won by one of the Hull players having a complete meltdown and throwing someone over for no reason at all.

Two wins in the last eight games against the beach bound West Brom team and an already relegated diabolical bag of shite from Middlesbrough does not make things any better and nor does the fact that we finished eighth, top of the absolutely shite division within the Premier League. We played a lot of good sides at the end but in Koeman’s last season we picked up points against all of the big clubs.  This this season, we didn't even have a go. We turned up with no plan whatsoever in any of the matches and when you tot it up over the season, we came out of 12 games against the top six with a very poor three points, from two 0-0’s against Liverpool and a 0-0 against United. 

And so we arrived at the last game of the season against Stoke when there was nothing riding on the game whatsoever and there was no reason to not go for it but what do we do, same as usual, same selection, same tactics and we got the same result. No goals. The final tactical substitution of the season, 1-0 down, 10 to go, was to take off our best to set piece taker and replace him with a full-back in midfield. I fucking give up - The season had ended with 5 home games in which we failed to score in.

It is often said that a team will mimic the personality of its manager and that's been the case with us this season. We are an overly cautious, boring team with no inspiration whatsoever and we are scared. How is the team going to function well if it scared of expressing itself? There was barely a plan A in most of the games aside from play deep, pass it around sideways and backwards work it out to the wings and then cross it. The trouble was that there was only ever one player in the box with three cautious midfielders not getting in to help.   

I'm convinced that the whole season was run off a spreadsheet and there was absolutely no dynamism in any decisions that were made depending on the state of the game or what was required at that time. If something wasn't working then we just carried on and exactly the same fashion in the hope that it would change and of course, it hardly ever did.  For example, we have done virtually the whole season without having two strikers playing as strikers. Even in the early-season diamond formation that was supposed to have two strikers upfront, they usually played wide, so at times it looked like we had no strikers at all and six midfielders.

There are a few things that have happened this season that have not been Claude’s fault and could be used as mitigating circumstances. Whoever decided that Long, Austin and J-Rod were going to score as many goals as Pellé and Mané managed last season wants shooting. J-Rod and Austin always have injury problems and Long had just had the season of his life which was totally out of character so it was unlikely to happen again.  We also had Jose Fonte behaving like a dickhead and we had the unfortunate injury to Virgil which the board failed to address in the January transfer window. They eventually addressed both the striker and defender issues with the signings of Gabbiadini in the window and Caceres just afterwards at not inconsiderable expense but Claude chose to use the 68 cap Uruguay international once, presumably because he wasn’t on the ‘End of January’ spreadsheet.  This was ok though because the defence was in top form.  That’s a lie.

There have been too many stories about the players clashing with the manager for none of it to be true. There have been visible shows of dissent in matches from Shane Long, Pierre Højbjerg, James Ward-Prowse, Nathan Redmond and Ryan Bertrand. What's gone on on the training ground is anyone's guess. Then we had the bizarre episode of Ralph Krueger addressing players before the Everton away game which turned out to be Jose Fonte's last game. We had the Tadic issue - he was repeatedly being subbed and rightly so, he moaned int he media and from then on he was hardly ever subbed even though his form got worse - weak management there.  Some players have undoubtably improved under the manager like Romeu and Yoshida and it's been good to see players like McQueen, Sims and Stephens given the chance.

However, regardless of where we finish in the league and the positives and mitigating factors, I have grown increasingly tired of a piss boring style of football, players being picked time and time again when they are not performing, players getting dropped having played well and the complete lack of dynamism in the decision-making. I also do not think that Claude has it within himself to change and feel that even he if he had the best squad of players in the world, the football would still be incredibly boring.  I find it amazing that he had a reputation for attacking football in France. All I can do is judge him on what I’ve seen this season.

Then there’s the interviews.  Jesus H. Christ.  Now, Claude’s English is better than my French but I think that I’d manage to be more interesting and engaging than Claude was.  ‘Oportuniteeee’ and ‘Qualiteeee’ 25 times.  Get a translator and then at least everyone would have some idea what was going through your head.  It was Jan Poortvliet all over again with his ‘we know how to make a goal’ after yet another 0 in the goals-for column.  Even Jan didn’t manage 5 home games without scoring and he had David McGoaldrought up front.

I think he deserves to go and I think he will.  In these days of football clubs being big business, I wonder what the season-ticket take up is for next season. You will of course have your fans who will buy regardless of how the team plays but like them or not, there are a load of fans who just want to be entertained and will not be renewing based on what they’ve seen this year.  The run to the Cup Final was fantastic and a great day was had by all.  When the dust settles on this, Claude’s record will say 8^th in the League and the EFL Cup Final.  It’s not like he’s failed and he’ll get a good job next (St.Etienne has been rumoured already) and his season in English football will look ok on his CV.  The question that the board have to answer is whether they think he’ll improve next season or will it fall away further?  There is a very small margin between us finishing 8^th and having a relegation battle.  I feel that next year with Claude in charge, we’d struggle near the bottom, even though the league outside the top 7 is very poor.

The bottom line is (and this is the way you should judge any manager) – did he get the best out of the resources at his disposal?  I’m afraid there’s only one answer to that one for me and it's no.  

Au Revoir Claude.

Southampton FC Player Reviews 2016/17

How Many Marks For Isgrove?

GOALKEEPERS

FRASER FORSTER 6/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE – MIGHT MOVE ON)

What on earth has Fraser been up to this season?  In his first season he was relatively happy coming off his line and then came the injury.  On his return during the second season he was less mobile and seemingly more reluctant to get off his line but he was still being generally huge and difficult to beat.  He still made saves and every so often had a game which made him look like one of the best.  This season he has been absolutely rooted to the goal line which invites pressure as the defenders have to defend deeper.  At least there’s no confusion as to whether he’s coming for a cross or not as unless the cross is actually going to drop into the net – he’s not coming.  Surely to Christ the goalkeeping coach has identified this as a massive problem.  Assuming he has then nothing has changed in the slightest.  If anything it’s got worse.  Also a massive problem this season is that he’s turned into a cross between Stekelenburg and Claudio Bravo.  If it’s on target and not straight at him – it’s a goal.  It’s a surprise if he takes off and actually saves a routine one.  He just doesn’t seem switched on to me – two close range headers I remember from Ibrahimovic at Wembley and Kompany at St.Mary’s – there are pictures which show the ball being headed and in both pictures – Fraser’s hands are down.  Bearing in mind how close range these headers were, he should surely be making himself huge, throwing himself at the striker, star-shaped – not waiting for the header and then reacting after it’s past him.  He is a good goalkeeper and he has it within him but something has been very very wrong this season.  I think he’ll still be with us next season as I can’t see Claude or whoever being given the go ahead to sign a new number 1 but Everton and a certain ex-manager will be sniffing around.  High – Milner penalty save, Low – Palace away spot-the-ball airshot.

ALEX MCCARTHY 5/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

A proper back up keeper for Fraser who could, on a good day, provide worthwhile competition.  A calf injury obtained when taking a goal kick has kept him out for 5 months and counting – what on earth has gone on there?  Played a few games for Palace last season and then lost his place so he’s hardly played for two years so it’ll be a back-up role for him at best next season.

HARRY LEWIS 5/10 (KEEP – U23)

Played a couple of games in the FA Cup and was OK in the away game at Norwich but then gave away a dumb penalty by chasing Cameron Jerome around the penalty area.  Was OK in the replay but we could have put a pensioner in a wheelchair in goal for that and still kept a clean sheet.  Against Arsenal he looked like what he is – a boy who will be in the Under 23s next season.

MOUEZ HASSEN (UNKNOWN)

Came on loan because Claude obviously didn’t fancy the back up options to Fraser and he knew Mouez from his time at Nice.  Played a few games for the Under 23s and looked decent enough but I can’t see us signing him next year.  Put it this way – if Claude’s not here then there’s no way he will be. Good on social media though and clearly has a good attitude.

A Goalkeeper and Stuart Taylor

STUART TAYLOR (OUT OF CONTRACT – BYE)

Quite possibly the strangest, most pointless waste of money ever.  Just why did we need a 35 year old 4^th choice goalkeeper?  You can tell he’s shite just from watching the warm ups.  His basic function seems to be clapping the other keepers and waving the ball goodbye as it whistles past him as he stands there.  He occasionally drops to one knee as it goes by.  He only saves shots when Shane Long is warming up and not lashing it over the bar.  Has made a very nice living being a professional 3^rd choice keeper but not at my club thanks.  Season highlight aside from clapping was to tell Fraser which way to go for Milner’s penalty.

PAOLO GAZZANIGA (SELL)

To be honest I’ve not been keeping tabs on him in his year at Rayo Vallecano other than one horrendous clanger than went viral when he basically did what Fraser did at Palace and took a big swipe at fresh air.  He has been first choice though and got a full season of games behind him.  They obviously like him and I can see him moving there for a nominal fee.  Never quite destined to make the grade here.

DEFENDERS

CEDRIC SOARES 8/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE - MIGHT MOVE ON)

Obviously a very talented player but struggled at times in his first season.  This time around he’s not looked the defensive liability he was at time in season 1 and has become a very consistent performer.  Because he’s getting better and now used to the Premier League and because he won the Euro’s with Portugal, he will doubtless be linked away.  There have been rumours that Barcelona are interested.  If that’s true then he’s gone but it would be a shame to lose him to another club this summer as he’s going to be even better next season.  To think that Ronald Koeman sometimes preferred to leave Cedric on the bench in favour of….

CUCO MARTINA 2/10 (OUT OF CONTRACT – BYE) – UPDATE: GONE!!
Thank Christ that’s over.  He’s crap and would have been on his way at the start of the season if Jeremy Pied hadn’t got injured.  As it was he stayed and played a lot of Europa League games which contributed to us not getting out of the group.  There was one game (Sparta away) when I wanted him to be substituted even though we’d already used all our subs, the logic being that the extra 30 seconds we’d have got would have been more useful than having him on the pitch.  Had a couple of decent performances in his first season but no – just no.  Will make a great replacement for Seamus Coleman at Everton.  Out of contract, free transfer, nice lad and all that but goodbye.  Highlight – his contract being up. Low – every time he stepped on the pitch.

JEREMY PIED 5/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

Every new manager we have has to bring in a new reserve right back.  Maybe it’s in the contract.  Claude’s choice was Jeremy Pied and to be fair, he didn’t look too bad in his one appearance before he knackered himself and was out for about 6 months.  With just the one year left on his contract, I assume he’ll be here next year but he’s a Claude Puel pick so any potential new manager might not fancy him. Highlight – Getting fit again.  Low – Being very short.

RYAN BERTRAND 8/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE - WILL PROBABLY MOVE ON)

A superb player for us over the last 3 years but we could well be writing the obituaries on his Saints career soon.  Obviously doesn’t get on with the manager and in the last few games has looked like he just wants out.  Right on cue the rumours in the papers started and it’s no wonder as he’s currently England’s first choice left back.  Chelsea (who are his club) need competition in that area and he just may feel that it’s time to give a big club another crack.  I could live with it if it’s Chelsea – not fucking Liverpool though.  Highlight – Bournemouth away goal & winding up Redmond.

MATT TARGETT 5/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

Through injury, has been usurped by Sam McQueen as left back backup this season.  If by chance Bertrand is not here next season, most people would have McQueen as first choice between the pair.  Again, a very long term injury had put paid to the season for a player who was developing nicely the season before.  Back to square one again next season.

SAM MCQUEEN 7/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

A revelation and justifying Claude’s reputation for developing young players.  At the start of the season he was a winger who wasn’t going anywhere in particular but conversion to left back has been the making of him.  Struggles defensively a bit when the ball is banged forward and he has to compete physically but has all the attributes of a modern full back in charging forward and getting the ball over.  Seems to have a great attitude and in some games has been our best player when other more experienced players looked like they really couldn’t be bothered.  The debut in the San Siro will love long in the memory and it’ll be interesting to see him develop next season.  He was however, subject of the ‘Most Ridiculous Link to Liverpool’ award after something like three games.  Highlight – San Siro debut, Norwich at home in FA Cup – only player who gave a shit.  Low – being linked to Liverpool.

The Man.... and The Old Man

VIRGIL VAN DIJK 8/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE – CAPTAIN, LEADER, LEGEND - WILL PROABLY MOVE ON)

The man is a colossus and a fantastic player.  Our best defender by a mile and until Gabbiadini arrived I’d have said that he was our best striker as well.  Captain, Leader, legend material but…. That rat faced prick Jamie Vardy ended his season with a shit rake of the achilles and that was that.  So, we were deprived of our best player for half a season and for every mention of him picking up his rehab, there are 100 about the desperate bastard clubs who want to sign him.  I can live with Chelsea, City or a club abroad but not Fucking Liverpool.  Figures of £50 million are being quoted which to me, is not enough especially if these clubs are genuinely interested.  Shall we start the bidding at £80 million and see who’s serious?  I’m serious when I say that I would want to add a £10 million Fucking Liverpool premium as I’m seriously fed up with strengthening their team.  It occurs to me that if he goes then we’ll have only had about 15 active months of him as a Saints player and even if his value multiplies by 5 or 6 in that time, it will be very hard to take if he goes.  As a player he’s the main piece of the defence, the first knock defender who wins everything in the air and is quick, making any partner he has look good.  Any of Yoshida, Stephens, Fonte, Gardos or Caceres would be putting in good performances alongside Virgil.  Take Virgil out though and it’s a different story with any other combination.  I’m hoping for a miracle and he’s ours next season but I can’t believe he will be.  Highlight – every time he played.  Low – Jamie Vardy Rat Faced Prick.

JOSE FONTE 4/10 (GONE ALREADY)

Obviously had his head turned by winning Euro ’16, thought he was up for a move to United and he eventually got it – West Ham United…. Not what he envisaged.  He was average on the pitch for us this season and like others, obviously had an issue with the manager.  Bombed out in January and we did well to get £8m for a player who isn’t going to get any better and he’s been pretty dodgy for a struggling West Ham side and their unforgiving fan base are voting him one of their worst signings ever.  All the interviews he gave after leaving where he basically was trying damage limitation, just made him look like an arse who was trying to justify himself and had something to hide.  So – when he said he was a total professional – he probably wasn’t.  Players generally put their own personal agendas over the club’s need but we really needed Jose this season and he really couldn’t wait to get away.  He didn’t go ‘Full Lallana’ but not far off.  Highlight – Not joining Everton.  Low point – All appearances for West Ham.

MAYA YOSHIDA 7/10 (KEEP - SQUAD)

You gotta love Maya.  He’s had more opportunity this season than ever before and he’s taken it and proved to be a very good defender.  Obviously hugely popular with the rest of the squad, he deserves all the plaudits that come his way.  His concentration has improved this year as well and the only weakness remains is against physical opponents when he occasionally just gets battered.  I would have never have said this before but I would be happy if we had a Virgil-Maya combination at centre back next season.  A partnership with Maya and any of the other centre halves just doesn’t work for me so if Virgil goes, we need to sign a physically imposing centre back to compliment Maya or one of the other centre backs. Highlight – proving his worth.  Low – physical centre forwards.

JACK STEPHENS 7/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

Thrown in because we literally had no choice, he has in the main taken his chance pretty well.  Very good on the ground to the degree that I wonder if his best position might be in the centre of midfield.  Same as Maya in that the obvious flaw is a lack of physicality and no matter what anyone says, I will never me convinced that those two in partnership are a long term solution unless Jack beefs up and develops a nasty streak.  Hopefully now he’s been given a taste, he’ll kick on rather than just meandering through which is what he appeared to be doing in four years of age group games and failed season long loans.  In our desperation to find some positives at the end of the season, his performances have undoubtedly been over hyped.  In the main he’s done pretty well but there is always a lack of concentration in there somewhere in virtually every game which he needs to sort out.  Highlight – breakthrough season.  Low – Shiteing his pants when faced with Andy Carroll.

FLORIN GARDOS 3/10 (SELL)

Time to go.  I like the guy and think that there’s a player in there but the best part of 2 years out injured have done for him as a Premier League player.  The fact that we got Caceres in who had not played for a year when Gardos had got fit again says it all.  However, you do wonder how he would have done if given the opportunity that Stephens had.

MARTIN CACERES (UNKNOWN – PEDIGREE SAYS KEEP) – Update – GONE!!

I have no fucking idea what is going on here.  Admittedly he wasn’t match fit having not played for a year when we signed him but you don’t sign a Uruguayan international defender with 68 caps and 5 Serie A winners medals, pay him a fortune, get him fit and then let him watch the defence playing shit week after week.  I say you don’t do that but guess what – we have.   Maybe the season wouldn’t have gone to shit if he’d been in the side for the last 10 games.  Just a thought.  I wonder what a partnership of Virgil and Caceres would be like.  Height, pace, a bit of nasty, ability on the ball.  To me it sounds really good.  Claude risked him in one game – Middlesbrough away – coincidentally about as far away from St.Mary’s as you can get.  He played really well too – what a massive surprise.  In a squad of quiet players, obviously a bit of a character as well. Highlight – Debut.  Low point – sitting on his arse for so long.

JASON MCCARTHY (KEEP – SQUAD)

A season in League 2 – Player of the season.  A season in league 1 – Player of the season.  Bearing in mind that jack Stephens couldn’t get a game when out on loan and McCarthy is two years younger, logic says he should be in and around the first team squad next season.  Definitely has a presence about him and a personality and we need some of that around the squad.  No one knows this lads potential at the moment and he really could be one of those who really kicks on if given a chance.

MIDFIELDERS

ORIOL ROMEU 9/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE)

He’s been a tank.  As the only player we have who can tackle, he has to do a lot of it and he’s done it very well. An underrated player with the ball at his feet as well.  I think he’s left footed but he’s happy on either.  Deservedly scooped all the Player of the Year awards for doing the work of two men in midfield.  I think we’d have got even more out of him if we’d had a physically strong player alongside him as well as it would have given him a bit more licence to get forward and play.  He will get linked with moves away but having slipped from view when at Chelsea and at Barcelona, he’ll be reluctant for now to move back to a big club so he should be here next season and it’s vital that he is.  Highlight – Player of the Year and binning Ander Herrera.

Oriol Sorts Out Little Shit Problem

JAMES WARD-PROWSE 7/10  (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE)

Infuriatingly inconsistent but this has been his best season in a Saints shirt.  You’re now surprised when he gets left out and he has managed to kick on a bit.  There have been a few more goals and a few more chances created.  The set piece delivery is excellent whenever he’s trying to whip a ball into an area for others to attack but the shooting from free kicks on the edge of the box has been abysmal.  If he aims at the left post then it starts in line and curls wide, if he aims for the right post then he starts it too wide and it’s coming in and everyone goes ‘ooooooh’ but there’s no point as it never comes in enough.  Should be our main penalty taker but seems to get shouted down by others who then miss.  Overall though, a good improvement on previous years and of course, he won his first England cap.  High – England debut.  Low – every shot from a free kick.

PIERRE-EMILE HOJBJERG 6/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE)

Has the ability and showed it at times in the first half of the season.  Fell foul of Claude’s reluctance to change a losing team in the second half of the season and spent the majority of it sat on the bench.  Looks like the kind of player that needs a run of games and he should really have got that once we were safe from the minimal threat of relegation.  I like the fact that he has a big of swagger about him when playing well and a bit of physical presence which we badly need.  If it was down to me, I’d have had him playing next to Romeu as a defensive midfielder.  More to come next season.  Needs to develop into a Morgan Schneiderlin type of player and has the potential to do so – remember that it took a while for Morgan to get up to speed and Pierre is still very young.

JORDY CLASIE 5/10 (SELL)

Just when I had completely given up on him doing anything in English football, he gets given a couple of games at the end of the season and plays well in both, scores, assists and plays well.  In return for being decent in the only two games we won at the end of the season, he got dropped again.  Badly treated by the manager and he deserved more games.  If I was him I’d be looking to get away and I’m sure that he will be looking to do that if Claude is the manager next season.  A likeable and popular player by the look of it but if he is around next year, he absolutely has to perform.  Higlight – Goals at Arsenal and West Brom.  Low – Playing well and getting dropped.

STEVEN DAVIS 7/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

He’s good at what he does and has had a solid season but I do wonder if we’re limiting ourselves by having him playing at times.  He needs the right balance of players around him to be truly effective or else he becomes a jack of all trades, master of none type of midfielder.  Not really a defensive midfielder as he’s not fond of a tackle, tends to let runners go and doesn’t have much physical presence and not really an attacking midfielder as his shooting is woeful.  He keeps things moving but that has suffered this season with our chronically bad off the ball running which has often left him in possession and being forced to turn back and pass backwards.  At 32/33 he might fancy a move back to Scotland but I expect he’ll be here next season though if he stays, I would expect him to play a bit less.  Highlight – Consistency, Low – Every single shot.

HARRISON REED 5/10 (SELL)

I think he’s 23 and is no closer to being a regular than he was when he was 18.  It’s not going to happen and he needs to move.  In a couple of games this season he looked ok and I thought he could do at least as good a job as Clasie but in other games he was absolutely dreadful.  Needs a move to a Championship club on loan for a season to see if there’s anything there.

ATTACKING MIDFIELDERS

DUSAN TADIC 5/10 (KEEP – MIGHT MOVE ON)

Has had a massive opportunity this season to come off the wing and play as a Number 10 and in the main, has blown it.  Two goals and a few assists is not enough for a player who has loads of ability and that includes and ability to disappear and an ability to slow down any attack.  At times he’s brilliant and other times the most utterly frustrating player we have, mainly because he’s capable of so much more.  Has hugely missed the presence of Graziano Pellé up front who always seemed to be on the same wavelength.  He’s a clever bloke as he worked out that the manager was piss-weak so if he moaned to the press about being substituted, even though it was usually deserved, he wouldn’t get subbed any more.  Job done.  Highlight – contribution to JWP goal at home to Palace.  Low – Losing wrestling match with Austin.

NATHAN REDMOND 7/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE)

He’s not the new Thierry Henry but he is decent and he’s only going to get better.  Once the ridiculous experiment of playing him as a striker was abandoned and he was put in the position for which we’d presumably scouted him for, he was generally decent and scored more goals in the season than he’d ever done before.  Got mucked about by the manager at the end of the season when having won an England cap and playing with confidence, it really would have been better to leave him in the team.  Can be absolutely devastating when up against retreating defenders but can also be a right moaning fucker.  The first rule in learning from mistakes is to admit you’ve made them and not look for the nearest person to blame.  Works really well with Ryan Bertrand on the left even though the two of them are always moaning at eachother.  I get the feeling that Ryan is winding him up.  Highlight – Watford away, England call-up.  Low – moaning bastard.

SOFIANE BOUFAL 6/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE)

Amazing ability and we’ll see more of it next year after a pre-season etc.  If he doesn’t do it next year though we’ll be into another Gaston Ramirez situation where we’ll be saying he’s got ability but it’s never really going to happen.  Needs a manager who is going to let him play his natural game near the opposition goal and Claude is not that manager.  Sofiane is a fucking nightmare if he’s back near the half way line in terms of giving the ball away and trying his tricks in the wrong area of the field.  Mind you, Sadio Mané was the same in that regard.  There will hopefully be a lot of fun to be had watching him next season.  There were many examples of him making defenders look ridiculous but there was also the goal of the season against Sunderland in the EFL Cup.  The talent is there.  Highlight – goal of the season.  Low – niggling injuries x 10.

JOSH SIMS 6/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

Famously started against Everton and immediately made Koeman regret his comment that none of our young players were good enough – well he would have regretted it if he wasn’y such an arrogant twat.  Also had another great moment setting up Shane Long for the winner in the cup semi final at Anfield.  Can expect a few more opportunities next season and it’ll be interesting to watch his progression.  He’s another one that Portsmouth released so it’d be good to see him do well.  Highlight – Anfield run in the semi final to set up winner.

LLOYD ISGROVE 1/10 (OUT OF CONTRACT – BYE) – UPDATE: GONE!!

For Fucks sake.  League 1 at best.  Highlight – None, Low – Potentially signing for Pompey.

STRIKERS

When Shane Gets It Right

SHANE LONG 5/10 (KEEP – MIGHT MOVE ON)

The season before the one just finished was the best of Shane Long’s career.  This season has either been piss poor by comparison or it’s just been a return to normal service.  A bit of both I think.  There is no doubt though that whilst the effort has been there, the composure and confidence has not been.  At all.  Not even close.  Actually, he’s been shite.  Proper shite.  It’s a Catch 22 – he’s not going to get his confidence back playing 15 minutes as a sub each week but then why would anyone pick him to start when he’s absolutely awful.  He almost looks like he’s trying too hard this season and as a result, gets into a downward spiral as the misses get worse, the control of the ball gets worse, the timing of the runs – fuck me – the fastest player on the pitch has been caught offside again.  Has it in him to be a great asset but this season has been a disaster… aside from semi final night at Anfield.  There you have it, in a shocking personal season, he’s been responsible for what was probably the highlight. His season was summed up in his last appearance at Middlesbrough – run at pace, wins penalty, takes penalty, smashes it over.  Highlight – Anfield, Low – Any time composure is needed and the double substitution.

JAY RODRIGUEZ 5/10 (SELL)

Rusty Rodriguez has had a bang average campaign.  Finally back from his injury, bulked up and slower and less effective.  There comes a point when the “he’s a bit rusty” excuses don’t carry any weight any more.  There has been the odd spark like at Bournemouth and Middlesbrough but has in the main looked completely lacklustre and I think most fans have given up on the notion that he could be back to how he was in his golden season under Pochettino.  A very likeable player who at his best would fit right in.  Sadly though, those days appear to be gone and he probably needs to move somewhere else to give him a chance to get it back.  Needs a run of games but of course, there has to be a return in there.  Highlight – Bournemouth goal away.  Low – Performances when he’s looked like he’s got a hangover.

CHARLIE AUSTIN 7/10 (KEEP – SQUAD)

If it hadn’t been for his run of goals at the start of the season then we would have been fighting a relegation battle.  I always felt that Claude never really wanted to play him but given the dearth of other options, he had no choice and Charlie did what he does and kept sticking the ball in the net.  He also did what he does and got injured and disappeared for 5 months.  The early season diamond formation didn’t get the best out of him and the sight of Charlie tracking back on the left wing whilst Nathan Redmond struggled down the middle was one of the first things that made me wonder if Claude was up to it.  He’s not really a sole striker so it would be interesting to see him partnered with Gabbiadini up front.  One thing is certain, you won’t see that with Claude in charge.  Every team needs a goalscorer and he’ll be here next season.

Moment of the Season

MANOLO GABBIADINI 7/10 (KEEP – 1ST CHOICE)

It looked liked we’d signed Maradona when he first started with 6 goals in 4 games and the way he played generally.  The movement and finishing were first class and he gave us genuine hope that we could win the EFL Cup final.  His little burst of goals in February, like Austin’s at the start of the season were ultimately what kept us away from a relegation battle.  His purple patch coincided with us changing formation to 4-2-3-1 and getting players around him.  When he came back from a little injury, we had reverted to 4-3-3 and he had no support and struggled, not scoring for the last 6 or 7 games.  Like Boufal, has huge amounts of ability and potential and we need a manager to get the most out of him.  Highlight – Wembley 2^nd goal.  Low – Wembley disallowed goal.

SAM GALLAGHER (KEEP – SQUAD)

On loan in the Championship at Blackburn who have got relegated but he contributed 12 goals which is not a bad return.  There are lots of press stories about him moving to other Championship clubs next season but in my opinion, we should have him back in the squad next season.  We have desperately missed having a target man striker this season and whilst there is more to his game than that, he’s the closest we have.