World Cup 2014 Part 8 - Brazil Shits Itself and Robben Dives into Quarter Finals

Rearrange the Letters in HULK and it spells SHIT (if you change a few)

28/6/14

2^nd Round – Brazil 1 Chile 1 (Brazil win 3-2 on penalties)

The knockout stages started with the host nation in a game which according to manager Scolari, they really didn’t want against Chile.  I love the way Chile approach things – they haven’t got many great individual players but they are so much more than the sum of their parts and they play as if their lives depend on it.  That said, they fell behind on 18 minutes when a cross was flicked on and was bindled into the net at the far post with David Luiz getting the credit.  There is a curious phenomena at this World Cup where the replay proves something quite different and the commentators refuse to alter their original belief.  It’s quite clearly an own goal by Jara who has stuck a leg out but no matter how many times this is shown, it’s still David Luiz’ goal and then FIFA announce that it’s Luiz’ goal.  It ultimately doesn’t matter a shit but Luiz hasn’t even got a touch there.  Against the script and therefore hugely funny was a Chile equalizer before half time. Marcelo took a throw in near his own corner flag and threw it to Hulk who had the first touch of a man wearing concrete wellies.  Aranguiz nicks in and passes infield to Sanchez who, being unmarked as he is, fires it past Cesar and into the far corner.  Great finish but shocking play from Brazil.  Much has been said about bent refereeing favouring the host nation but Howard Webb hasn’t read the script as a long cross picks out Hulk who controls around the shoulder area and mis-hits it into the net off his knee.  It looks perfectly ok and then gets disallowed for handball.  It’s marginal to say the least but fair play to Webb, he believes he’s right and disallows it and shows a yellow card to Hulk.  Scolari is going beserk and you just know that Webb is on his way home now.  Personally I think it’s a harsh decision and if Chile had had a goal disallowed like that then we’d all have been going nuts.  The problem with Brazil is that they have some right shit payers and they keep the quota the same by removing Fred and bringing on Jo who is slightly more mobile but still shite.  Hulk is their most likely forward to score but he mixes up great runs with throwing himself on the ground.  Extra time passes and Brazil collectively shites its pants and Panilla smacks the bar from 25 yards on 119 minutes and we have our first penalty shootout.

The penalty shootout is an average affair and it’s 3-2 to Brazil as Gonzalo Jara takes the fifth Chilean penalty and hits the inside of the post and Brazil are through – just.  Needless to say, Hulk missed.

2^nd Round – Colombia 2 Uruguay 0

Before this game we get word that Luis Suarez has made a statement and it’s that he slipped and kept his balance only by plunging his teeth into the shoulder of Chiellini.  This is about as hilarious as when an MP says that he slipped and fell into that rent boy.  By showing no remorse and no admission that anything was wrong, he should really be slapped with a longer ban whch of course, won’t happen.  To the game itself and Colombia are the better side throughout and a new global star is born as James Rodriguez controls a high ball on his chest with his back to goal, chests is sideways in the same movement and volleys it left footed in off the bar.  It’s a ridiculous goal and put the Colombians 1-0 u after half an hour.  It’s 2-0 straight after half time as the Uruguayans are carved open and Cuadrado cushioned a header back for Rodriguez to score again.  Cuadrado seems to be a very influential player and he’s got nifty dance move as all the Colombians do their thang corner flag.  Ospina made a couple of saves as Uruguay belatedly went for it but Uruguay and their fans with their Suarez masks are gone.  Colombia will be a major threat to Brazil in the quarter finals.

How to Make Sure the Ref Gives It

29/6/14

2^nd Round – Netherlands 2 Mexico 1

The first half of this was interesting without ever really catching fire, unlike anyone who was in the stadium as the temperatures were ridiculous – so much so that we had the first ‘cooling break’ of the tournament after half an hour which gives FIFA delegates a chance to do some spread betting.  Mexico looked the better side but in truth, neither really looked like scoring though the Dutch should have had a penalty when Robben was hacked over twice in one move but not given.  The Mexicans went 1-0 up straight after half time as the ‘useless at Spurs’ Giovani dos Santos lashed in a shot from 30 yards which gave the keeper no chance and sent his manager pogoing round the technical area in celebration.  Mexican keeper Ochoa came into his own at that point and made a series of saves, mainly good reaction stops to efforts fired straight at him.  The best of which was an instinctive block from a close range de Vrij volley which bounced off his hands, onto the post and away.  The second cooling break sw van Gall replace van Persie with Huntelaar which basically heralded a change of tactic to ‘long diagonal ball’.  It worked though with 2 minutes to go as Huntelaaar headed down a cross at the far post and Schnijder, despite being invisible all tournament, fired brilliantly into the bottom corner from 20 yards showing that the keeper is beatable if you stop shooting straight at him.  Extra-time here we come but a last Dutch attack saw them feed Robben who attacked the box, skipped past one lunge and then went down under a tired hack from Marquez.  Has he touched him? yes, is it a dive? yes, should it have been a penalty? In my opinion yes.  Up stepped Huntelaar, 2-1 and we get to hear Chiles calling him van Huntelaar in the post match shambles but the Netherlands march on and the Mexican manager Herrera throws a colossal wobbler but what a legend he has been.

2^nd Round – Costa Rica 1 Greece 1 (Costa Rica win 5-4 on penalties)

Let’s face it, the first half was shit as it always seems to be when Greece are playing and they should have taken the lead on half time as Salpingidis met a superb cross from the left on the full and Navas deflected it wide with his foot.  Five mintes after half time it was the Costa Ricans who took the lead as Fulham reject Bryan Ruiz sidefooted home beautifully from the edge of the box and everyone just watch it rll in.  The should have had a penalty as well for a clear handball a bit later but they handed Greece a lifeline when Duarte lunged in and was sent off for a second yellow. Greece are hardly known for their skills in chasing the game but they now have a chance which they took until the 91^st minute to take as Papasthatopoulos rammed home a rebound.  Extra time and the ten men were now clear 2^nd favourites and Greece had the best chances extra time but it was penalties again.  The Greek manager managed to get himself sent to the stands at this point and there were 7 successful spot kicks with neither keeper getting near any of them until, with Costa Rica leading 4-3, Navas superbly saved Gekas’ kick and Umana casually stroked home the winner.  Costa Rica in the last 8 and the only team they’ve played who they didn’t beat… bloody England.

Keeper Legend

30/6/14

2^nd Round – France 2 Nigeria 0

The biggest surprise of the World Cup is not Costa Rica making the last 8 – it’s been that France haven’t had to send a player home yet.  Nigeria on the face of it should cause them any problems but they do and have the ball in the net as Emunike slides it past Lloris only for a very tight (but correct) offside flag to deny the Africans.  France are playing some decent stuff though and it’s amusing that Paul Pogba is at the centre of it.  This is the guy that Man United had but never gave him a chance and so he left.  Now he’s one of the best central midfielders in Europe and United have Tom Cleverley.  Pogba drives forward and sets up Valbuena who picks him out with the cross but Pogba’s volley is spectacularly kept out by Enyeama.  The seond half sees Nigeria looking like the better side but France creating the chances.  Benzema plays a quick 1-2 to get free and his shot is half blocked by Enyeama and then hacked off the line by Moses then following a corner, the ball finds its way out to Cabaye on the egge of the box and his angled volley hits the bar on the far side with the keeper nowhere.  Enyeama had been having a great game for Nigeria but he handed the game to France on the 80^th minute when he came for a cross, got nowhere near catching it and just flapped it up in the air for Pogba to head into the empty net.  In the last minute, a Valbuena cross was deflected into his own net by Yobo to confirm French passage into the next round to play the winners of ze Germans and Algeria.  For me, the French are still a good bet to win it – they seem solid all over the pitch and don;t have any obvious weaknesses.

2^nd Round – Germany 2 Algeria 1 (after extra time)

Joachim Low seems to have a strange compulsion to play players out of position.  The have centre backs at full back on both sides and Philip Lahm who is one of the best  in the World in either full back position, playing in midfield.  Germany are basically very lethargic and not very good.  Most of their play goes through Mesut Ozil who then gives the ball away.  Algeria look dangerous on their forays forward with Neuer often having to race from his line to compensate for a ponderous back 4.  He’s out and making a superb sliding tackle on Slimani which could easily have resulted in a goal or a red card.  Slimani has the ball in the net as he slides in a Musa cross but he’s offside.  Ze Germans are having chances though and the excellent Rais MBohli pulls of an excellent double save from Mario Gotze.  The bloody keeper is at it again when he somehow blocks a point blank header from Thomas Muller and then is up to smother the rebound from Schurrle.  The reason I say ‘bloody’ keeper is because I have Germany to win in 90 minutes as part of an accumulator.  It goes against every fibre of my being to want ze Germans to win and typically, they are messing me about.  The keeper makes a wonderful finger tip save from Lahm and the 90 minutes are up, the bets are screwed and now I can support Algeria.  As soon as extra time starts they concede a goal as Muller gets down the left, crosses behind Schurrle who manages to drag a leg and flick it into the net past MBohli – could have done that a minute earlier you git.  It’s soon 2-0 as Ozil passes the ball in the right direction to Schurrle.  His shot is blocked by a defender and the rebound falls kindly for Ozil to smash it in the net.  Algeria give it a spirited response and pull one back with a minute to do as Fegouli (who has what looks like a maxi-pad taped to his head) crosses and Djabou rams it into the net on the volley.  Too little too late though and the very average Germans are through to play France.  Algeria go out with their head held high having given it a real go in almost exactly the same way as England didn’t.

I know who you learnt that shit celebration off of

1/7/14

2^nd Round – Argentina 1 Switzerland 0 (after extra time)

I’ve kind of been ignoring Argentina in this World Cup so far as they’ve progressed through a pretty easy group.  Excellent attack, good midfield, dodgy defence.  They surely would have too much for Switzerland but the Swiss have the best chances of the first half as Xhaka hits one from the edge of the box which requires a decent stop from Romero, who then saves the shot from the rebound for good measure.  The keeper gets lucky before half time as Shaquiri plays Drmic though and Romero comes, then stops, then goes back and Drmic made a right balls of it and his attempted chip landed in the keepers arms. Argentina wake up after half time with Higuain having a header tipped over by Benaglio and Messi teeing himself up for a volley from the edge of the box which narrowly clears the bar.  Messi is of course the main threat and some quality dribbling in the box sees him find a yard and fire for the bottom corner but again, Benaglio gets down well to save.  It’s all Argentina at the start of extra time and Benaglio is there again to superbly deny di Maria who is shooting on sight virtually every time he gets the ball.  Its 2 minutes to penalties when Messi picks it up on halfway, skips away from a tackle and slides it right to di Maria who passes it into the far corner of the net.  Great finish and Switzerland are done.... or are they.  Time is up as a cross is swung over, Dzemaili gets his hed to it and it thumps off the base of the post, rebounds back, hits Dzemaili on the knee and trickles wide.  Argentina through but not particularly convincing.

2^nd Round – Belgium 2 USA 1 (after extra time)

Belgium have had enough of Lukaku and dropped him with Devock Origi taking his place.  He has the first shot after 30 seconds and Tim Howard saves it – and so the pattern of this match is established.  The match sees better quality from the Belgians in the face of great spirit by the Diving German’s Yanks but Howard makes save after save after save from Origi, Mirallas and Kompany.  In nearly all cases though, it’s poor finishing and Howard would have been mortified if any of those had beaten him.  The Yanks have a great chance to win it as Dempsey heads down int he box and Waldalowski blazes wide from 5 yards.  It’’s a shocking miss but hte lino has flagged which is odd and he was about 3 yards onside.  0-0 at full time and so we’re on extra time patrol again and like the German game the other night, a goal is soon coming as Lukaku bulldozes down the right, cuts in and pulls it back to de Bruyne who takes a touch, turns and lashes past Howard.  It looks like it’s all over before the first half of extra time is up as another Belgian break ends up with de Bruyne on the left and his pass is perfect for Lukaku to sweep it into the net for 2-0.  From looking dead on the ir feet though, the Yanks rally in the last 15 minutes, get a goal back through a mis-hit volley from Green and then pen Belgium back.  Jones fired narrowly wide and the n a cleverly worked free kick saw the ball break to Dempsey but his te poke was smothered by the onrushing Courtois.  2-1 in the end but a massive effort from the USA who went down with all guns blazing.  How said it is that I’m thinking that England would have little chance against America.  Coach Jurgen is still a massive, massive helmet though.  Belgium through to play Argentina and fair play to them.

For me, the pick of the quarter finals is Brazil v Colombia.  If the referee is fair then I see Colombia winning it to be honest, probably after extra time as I can’t see Brazil dealing with Cuadrado and James Rodriguez. I’m going for France against Germany in what will probably be a dour affair, Netherlands against Costa Rica where the Costa Rica bubble will burst and Argentina against Belgium after extra time.  I never win my accumulators so ignore me.

World Cup 2014 Part 6 - Samaras Doesn't Dive For Once and Messi Walks on Water

Unbelievably, this isn't a dive.

24/6/14 (Continued)

Group C – Greece 2 Ivory Coast 1

Ivory Coast needed a draw and Greece had to win so it all got interesting when Tiote dawdled about in midfield and Greece nicked the ball and ran though and Samaris scored easily.  Spurred on by actually scoring a goal, Greece nearly scored again as a long ranger from Karagounis hit the bar.  It was all Ivory Coast in the second half and they equalized with 15 minutes to as Gervinho and his forehead set up Bony who couldn’t miss and didn’t. With Ivory Coast one minute from the second round, Samaras takes a tumble in the box under the challenge of Sio.  He’s a cheating diving bastard at the bets of times so I’m sceptical but for once it’s not a dive as the defender has caught his foot as he pulled it back to shoot.  Samaras himself takes the penalty and though Barry goes the right way, it’s over him and in and there’s barely time to kick off.  A national stereotype maybe but I guess there are some serious plates being smashed all over Greece.  It’s had to get away from the impression that they are complete shite though.  The Ivorians really should have finished second – they have far more ability in their ranks than Greece but they haven’t the discipline and seem to cough up ridiculous goals in every game.

Group C – Japan 1 Colombia 4

Colombia emerged from this match looking like one of the favourites to win the whole thing but make no mistake, Japan weren’t very good.  Needing a win to have any chance of going through, they shot themselves in the foot when having shepherded the striker away from goal, Konno dived in and hacked him down.  Penalty, Cuadrado, 1-0.  Japan are ok coming forward though and went close a couple of times before right on half time, Honda cut in from the right and crossed for Okazaki to athletically head past the keeper.  Game on…. But not for long as James Rodriguez (that’s “James” pronounced “Ham-mez”) put Jackson Martinez through to finish with ease.  The same combination put the game to bed in the 80^th minutes with Rodriguez again putting a superb ball through and Martinez turning a defender inside out before scoring with aplomb.  Just tot take the piss in the last minute Rodriguez danced through, turned Saints’ Maya Yoshida inside out and then chipped over the keeper to make it 4-1.  It has to be said that Colombia look bloody good and their game against a Suarez-less Uruguay should see them into the last 8.

You shouldn't put the little bloke on the end

25/6/14

Group F – Bosnia-Herzigovina 3 Iran 1

Iran actually had a shout of going through in the group but it looked to me like they never really believed it.  Bosnia looked to more dangerous from the outset and after having one shot tipped over the bar, Edin Dzeko gave them the lead, arrowing one intot he bottom corbner from 25 yards.  He’s an odd player, part genius, part donkey.  Iran were stung into life and hit the bar but in the second half it was back to Bosnian control and Dzeko slid Pjanic through to roll it under the keeper for 2-0.  With 10 minutes to go Iran got one back as following a bout of pinball from a corner, the man with Reza on his back tapped in following a low cross.  It woke the Bosnians up though and in the last minute they gave the scoreline a more realistic look when Vrsajevic got put away in the same way as Pjanic earlier but on the other side – same result though.  Bosnia are a bit unlucky as the shit decision they got when Dzeko’s perfectly good goal against Nigeria has cost them. They certainly looked good enough to go through from this group and another team, like Iran who play with a real pride in their shirt in exactly the same way that England don’t.

Group F – Nigeria 2 Argentina 3

Let’s face it, Messi is a genius.  He put Argentina ahead when di Maria’s shot came back off the post and could have bounced to anyone but it bounced to Messi about 15 yards out and his rising drive nearly ripped the net off.  For all his attacking genius though, Argentina are ropey as you like in defence and allowed Nigeria to score straight away as Musa picked up the ball on the left, cut inside and smashed a fabulous shot across Romero and intot he far corner.  The rest of the first half was about di Maria shooting from anywhere and Enyeama just about keeping him out but the keeper was rooted on 45 as messi’s 30 yard free kick was clipped over the wall and beautifully into the top corner.  Their lead lasted only a minute longer than last time (though there was half time in the middle) as Nigeria came straight out and played Musa through and again he was absolutely dead-eye to equalize.  The winnign goal owed more than a little bit to good forture as Lavezzi’s corner was flicked on, hot Rojo on the knee and bounced past Enyeama.  Di maria carried on his one man mission to score but couldn’t manage it and Nigeria knew by this time that they wre going through regardless.  I would be amazed if the Argies won the World cup with their defence.  Nigeria will give it a go against France but I can only see them having the one more game.

 Group E – Ecuador 0 France 0

An mainly tedious game between Ecuador who had to win but they weren’t good enough and France who didn’t need to win and didn’t look that bothered.  Squad rotation by the Franch saw Morgan Schneiderlin make a full debut and France were tidy in possession without really letting Ecuador have a sniff.  One Enner Valencia header from a Montero cross was all that Lloris had to deal with and that was easy enough.  The second half wasn’t much better, the main talking point being Antonio Valencia getting sent off for a two footer on Digne.  Phil Neville on commentary managed to watch the incident and say it wasn’t a red about 10 times without mentioning once that he had both feet off the ground and it was dangerous.   These United lads certainly stick together.  Anyway, Ecuador are out now so they can discuss it at their leisure.

Group E – Honduras 0 Switzerland 3

Honduras are a team that won’t be missed but they had one last chance to boost the amount of players in Brazil’s hospitals when they played Switzerland.  The Swiss are nothing remarkable either but they have an outstanding player in Shaquiri who took just 6 minutes to open the scoring, collecting a throw and cutting across the top of the box before lashing a 25 yarder into the far corner.  Brilliant goal.  It was 2-0 on the half hour as the Honduran defence went walkabout and Drmic put Shaquiri though again against the keeper and he was never going to miss.  Honduras had one kicked off the line and it should have been a penalty and a red card against Djourou but it wasn;t given and you knew what was coming next as Drmic got free on the left again, beat his man and laid it on a plate for Shaquiri’s hat-trick.  So the Swiss go through where they’re likely to play Argentina.  If they can defend properly (not pick Senderos) then they may have a squeak but I can’t see it somehow.

World Cup 2014 Part 4 - Iran are better than England.

Suarez points to where Gerrard flicked it on

19/6/14

Group C – Colombia 2 Ivory Coast 1

Colombia looked the better side all the way though this and took the lead in the second half as Rodriguez easily headed in a corner from virtually in front of the keeper.  Ivory Coast again left Drogba on the bench and went 2-0 down when they tried to play out of defence and got caught and Colombia chose the right option and Quintero scored.  Gervinho, with his forehead hidden by a scarf, scoored a bloody good goal to make it 2-1 as he danced through about 4 challenges as he cut in from the left and scored as the keeper didn’t cover himself in glory.  So, Colombia are virtually through but Ivory Coast should still make it as long as they don’t get beaten by Greece.

Group D – England 1 Uruguay 2

It was time to do or die for England and Mr Dynamic picked the same side that played against Italy other than putting Rooney and Sterling in the best positions.  I wanted to see Barkley, Lallana and Shaw from the start to give it a bit more energy but no – same old, same old with Danny Welbeck picked as an attacker, mainly for his defensive ability, in a game we really have to win.  Uruguay had Suarez starting and you have to wonder how fit he is bearing in mind that 4 days ago they didn’t bring him on when they were losing to Costa Rica.  Within 10 minutes you could tell that we were going to be shit.  None of the front 6 looked at the races with Sterling and Sturridge giving the ball away constantly.  Rooney was at least trying and trying to influence things but his touch was awful and he too was just giving it away.  Henderson and Gerrard weren’t providing any legs in the midfield at all and didn’t appear to be helping the attack or the defence.  Fucking rubbish.  We got a free kick on the edge of the box in absolute perfect position for a right footer as Godin picked up a booking for a deliberate handball.  Rooney was going to take it and whilst I’m sure a lot of the nation was on the edge of their seats expecting him to score, I was there with the feeling I used to get when Bradley Wright-Phillips got through on goal.  I knew he’d fucking miss and sure enough, Rooney put it over the bar.  There really is no excuse for not getting it on target you useless squirrel headed granny shagging bastard. Same with the header that he hit the bar with from 2 feet out.

Cavani was working a lot harder than in Uruguay’s last game as a result of partnering the clearly half-fit Suarez but he picked the ball up after Gerrard had given it away and clipped a great ball over Jagielka in exactly the same way that Italy had played one over Cahill and Suarez peeled away and looped a header across Hart and into the net.  Good goal, piss poor defending, bollocks.  New FIFA rules came into play after that as it’s clearly not against the rules to run away from the ball and forearm smash a player in the throat as Godin did to Sturridge.  Give a free kick for a forearm smash but it’s not worth a second yellow.  We fucked up the free kick and went in 1-0 down.

Surely the old fucker is going to get some energy on the pitch at the start of the second half but fucking not a bit of it.  Same XI the start the second half.  I’m sure Gerrard came onto the pitch in a fucking wheelchair with an oxygen mask on.  I’m sure Hodgson has put sedatives in the drinks at half time as we look even more half arsed after the break. Cavani got through and sitefooted a sitter wide of the far post.

Finally, someone on the England bench, probably Gary Neville, realises that we are going to achieve fuck all and makes a change with Sterling being the name pulled out of the hat to come off.  He’s been piss poor but equally, any of the front 6 could have come off.  Barkley is on and what do you know a bit more energy and dynamism and we immediately look a better team.  Rooney had another golden chance as he hammered in a shot from the edge of the box but having made the space he shouldn’t have given Muslera a chance but he pulled off a decent save.

With 15 minutes to go, the pressure paid off as Sturridge produced something for the first time and sent Johnson away who won a tackle and it bounced across the goal and Rooney this time, could not possibly miss and beat Muslera to make it 1-1.  So, a point isn’t bad at the end of the day and at least it gets us into the last game with a bit of a chance.  With 5 minutes to go, Muslera booms a ball forward, Gerrard takes his eye off it and flicks it on straight to Suarez who takes it on and smashes it past Hart to make it 2-1.  What was Gerrard doing?  Where was the centre half covering round? Fuck off.  In exactly the same way as against Germany 4 years ago, we’ve been done by a big boot forward that we’ve allowed to bounce.  I have no words for how shite it is to concede a goal in this way at a World Cup but we’ve done it, twice.  The last 5 minutes produce nothing of note.  Hodgson gives Rickie Lambert 4 minutes in place of Henderson who I had forgotten was playing.  What’s he supposed to do with 4 minutes Roy, you wanker? 

And so it came to pass that we lost. 2 out of 2 and then they start shitting on on TV about how we can still qualify if Italy win every game and then we beat Costa Rica and blah blah fucking blah.  No chance. For starters, we won’t beat Costa Rica.  If we get to that game and we’re not out yet then Hodgson will pick the same team again and wonder why we get the same inept tired bollocks and get beat again.  Let’s face it, it was always going to be difficult but a decent, brave manager would have realised that we needed legs out there.   I can’t believe I’m saying this as he’s such an inept footballer but James Milner would have added more than Gerrard out there today because at least he’d have got about the park. It’s all very well saying we had a young squad – yes we did but not enough of them were on the pitch.  You also had in-form players like Lallana who has had a great season, not being used and players who have been shite like Welbeck picked to start.  Then you have Rooney and our obsession with him and Roy falling into the same trap of every other England manager and picking him regardless and indulging him despite the fact he does nothing to warrant it.  It was actually one of his better games today –  and he was still very average.  Ross Barkley is going to end up like le Tissier – managers would never pick le Tiss and Gazza in the same side and Gazza was always going to be preferred.  The same is going to happen with Barkley and Rooney unless someone has the balls and you know that Roy Hodgson is not going to have the balls.  I’ll finish the England post-mortem after our inevitable exit next Tuesday.  I’m too pissed at the moment.

Group D – Japan 0 Greece 0

Boring.  Couldn’t be arsed to watch this after the England fiasco.  Like England, Two teams that won’t be missed.

The Italians console eachother as only they know how.

20/6/14

Group D – Italy 0 Costa Rica 1

There is something in you subconscious as a football fan that you will hope for any route possible for your team to get through to the next round.  However, relying as we are on an Italian win in this game, I’m really hoping that we are put out of our misery so I don’t have to listen to Chiles quoting mathematical equations on the probability of England going through.  Make no mistake, Italy were terrible but Costa Rica were decent with lots of energy and invention in their play – attributes that are in complete contrast with those of the England team.  They worked out that Pirlo was the best Italian player nd they didn’t give him time on the ball which is hardly a tactical masterstroke but it is one that was beyond Roy Hodgson.  Costa Rica really should have had a penalty just before half time as Chiellini clattered Campbell with the ball in a different post code but not given.  Unreal.... a minute later however they took the lead as Diaz put over a superb cross on the run from the left and Bryan Ruiz, who spent last season getting hounded out of Fulham, rose to head in off the underside of the bar.  Italy were marginally better int he second half without ever looking like scoring and so Costa Rica won and went though, Italy have a winner-take-all game vs Uruguay in which they need a draw... and England are shit and out and Balotelli loses his bet and doesn't get to kiss the Queen - he gets to stick his tongue in Camilla Parker-Bowles instead.

Group E – Switzerland 2 France 5

Laughably, Switzerland are ranked 6 in the world due to FIFA’s stupid system for working out rankings whereby you will rise by playing ropey sides in friendlies or by being Swiss like Sepp Blatter.  No payments have been accepted for this assertion.  Switzerland must have played a lot of ropey sies in friendlies to be ranked above France who tore them apart in the first half and were 3-0 up at half time.  They had this centre forward playing called Olivier Giroud who is no relation to the lump who ponces about up front for Arsenal.  Mind you he was helped by an enforced substitution for the Swiss which saw Phillippe Senderos, possibly the worst defender I’ve ever seen, come on to mark him.  Giroud just constantly bullied the hapless Senderos and rose unmarked to thump in a header from a corner for 1-0.  Within a minute it was two as Matuidi ran through the inside left channel without anyone going to challenge him and scored at Benaglio’s near post.  France managed to miss a penalty after that when Benzema’s poor effort was saved and Cabaye came up with a contender for miss of the  tournament by hitting the bar from the rebound from 5 yards with the keeper nowhere.  Not to be denied though, it was 3-0 just before half time as France broke and Giroud put a perfect pass in for Valbuena to score easily. 4-0 through Benzema and 5-0 when Sissoko took advantage of more shambolic defending.  The Swiss got a couple back as Dzemaili tried a free kick from 40 yards which Benzema stepped over in the wall to give his own keeper no chance and Xhaka scored easily as he beat the offside trap.  It has to be said that France look very very decent indeed but they’ll of course be playing better sides than Honduras and Switzerland.

Group E – Honduras 1 Ecuador 2

Ecuador were the attest team to have to man up against the Honduran kick-to-kill squad.  With both teams having lost their first game, the losers were all but gone.  Honduras took the lead with a goal straight out of the Allardyce coaching manual as a big hoof forward was allowed to bounce and Costly ran through and smashed it in for 1-0.  It was soon all square though as Paredes shanked a shot across the penalty area for the Valencia who’s not the shtty Manchester United one, diverted it in.  Honduras really should have gone back in front but Costly’s header pooled onto the post and Bengtson then tried to claim that he’d scored from the rebound, despite clearly punching the ball in with his forearm, the cheating little bastard.  Euador looked the team most likely in the second half and duly won it when Ayovi swung in a free kick and Enner Valencia once more was the man on the spot to score.  Chances are that both of these teams will be heading out but I’m sure France will rest a few versus Ecuador so you never know.

Safe to say, No Iran fans looked like this.

21/6/13

Group G - Germany 2 Ghana 2

The first half of this was pretty poor as Germany huffed and puffed but Ghana played the better football and so we arrived a half time at 0-0 and maybe Germany aren’t the all conquering super power that they are made out to be.  One thing that will never be in doubt though is that they are lucky bastards as 10 minutes in the second half, Thomas Muller crossed and Gotze scored as he ran in, bollocksed up his header but it hit his knee as it dropped off his face and flew into the net.  Ghana equalised straight away with a proper header from Andre Ayew and we were looking at a very amusing scoreline 10 minutes later as Lahm gave the ball away to Muntari who slipped it through for Gyan who smashed it past Neuer.  Ze Germans never just lie down and give up though and sent on Schweinsteiger and Klose and the latter scored with his first tough from 6 inches out to draw level with the proper Ronaldo in terms of World Cup Finals goals.  It seemed inevitable that ze Germans would go on and win but Ghana held out and got the point they deserved and fair play.  Anything that stalls ze Germans is good news.  Germany will of course go through but Ghana now have a shout if they can beat Portugal.

Group F - Argentina 1 Iran 0

Argentina must have looked at this game when the draw was made and thought it was going to be a slaughter.  Messi and Aguero and di Maria against…. Who exactly? Ashkan Dejagah from relegated Fulham.  The expected massacre didn’t materialize though – Garaty missed a sitter with a header and Aguero should have scored but Iran had their moments on the break suggesting that the Argentine defence is going to be their undoing again as it was 4 years ago under that fat little ‘hand of God’ tosser.  Irn have a player called Ghoochannejhad and on the back of his shirt it says ‘Reza’ so that’ll do from now on.  Anyway, he got in a great header in the second half and Romero had to claw it away as Iran played with a belief and a spirit that made England look embarrassing.  The Argies had their moments mostly through Messi but Iran could so easily have been in front.  There was a penalty should where Zabaleta scraped the top of the ball and his follow through cleaned out Dejagah.  There’s no way that the ref could have seen the brush on the ball so how has he not given that as a pen.  Regardless, Dejagah forced a top drawer save out of Romero again as he attempted a van Persie header over the keeper but he just got his claws to it.  Reza had another chance as he raced away with Romero saving well again but with 93 on the clock, Messi picked up the ball 25 yards out and curled a wonderful shot into the far corner of the net.  They were lucky and they celebrated like they’d just scored against England in a winner-takes-the-Falklands match.  I wish England could play like Iran though.

Group F - Nigeria 1 Bosnia-Herzigovina 0

Two of the more boring teams produced a game which was decent in parts.  Again there was a shocker from a lino as Dzeko was put through, miles onside, only to slot it home and it not be given.  Again it changed the game as Nigeria soon scored as a pull back from the right was slotted in by Odemwingie who was playing for his next transfer.  Bosnian midfielder Pjanic was on a one man mission to get Edin Dzeko a goal but he continued to miss for the rest of the match, capping it all in the last few minutes by scuffing a shot from 8 yards which hit the keepers foot and hit the post.  Nigeria held on and Bosnia are on their way home.

World Cup 2014 Part 1 - FIFA Buy the Referee and Hodgson Cocks It Up.

Dejan Lovren might not agree with the Ref

12/6/14

Group A – Brazil 3 Croatia 1

Day 1 and Brazil are up first against Croatia and away we go after watching J-Lo shake her thing about (very nice too) and kids releasing doves and all that stuff that makes it look like FIFA is a wonderful, pure, selfless organization.  There’s a brief feel-good element to things and then you see Adrian Chiles for the first time.  Since they won their World Cup winners medals in 1998 and 2006 respectively, Patrick Vieira and Fabio Cannavaro must have been waiting for the moment when they got to share a TV studio with a bumbling, clueless potato and Lee Dixon.

After two cracking national anthems and the players giving it loads with veins in the next bulging, the actual football started and the script went up in the air as Croatia scored as Jelavic scuffed a shot into the path of Marcelo who finished with aplomb straight into his own net.  Goal line technology was broadcast by ITV which said it had crossed the line which I think everyone realised when it hit the back of the net and stayed there.  Neymar then threw a silly arm-raised challenge at Modric and caught him in the face.  It was a bit of a wet slap so I think yellow was just about right but if you could pick one player in this tournament who will not get sent off in the first half then it would be Neymar.  He could murder someone basically.  Five minutes later he picks a ball up in midfield and runs before scuffing a shot into the corner, off the post to make it 1-1.  The ball passes through Lovren’s legs on its way in but it’s shocking from Pleitikosa in goal who just seems to collapse.  Half time and Brazil have had the possession but Croatia have looked dangerous on the break and the more incisive.

The second half starts with Brazil pressure and then it changes round and Croatia are in the ascendency and testing Cesar in the Brazil goal before the ghost of South Korea 2002 rears its ugly head as we can’t have the host nation struggling.  Fred backs into Lovren and slides his feet forwards so he falls over and the ref gives a penalty.  It’s a joke, hometown, bent decision.  You just have to look at the fact that he couldn’t wait to give it, gave it instantly and with great relish.  Neymar danced and stuttered his way up to the penalty and Pleitikosa went the right way, got 2 hands to it and still shoved it in the net.  Croatia had chances before the end and had a goal disallowed (rightly in my view) but got done on the break as Oscar poked in a shot from the edge of the box and Pleitikosa completed his hat-trick by doing the collapsing goalkeeper thing again.  Overall it was a decent game of decent attacking football but the hometown bent refereeing leaves a cloud.  I liked the cocaine-in-a-can thing for marking out where the wall should be and matches involving Colombia and Mexico should be great for this reason alone but I wasn’t impressed with the imaginary card waving from the Brazilians, particularly when Gene Hackman Scolari joined in.  Waving an imaginary card is basically dissent as you’re disagreeing with the ref so you should book players for it.

Brazil will of course win Group A as it’s in the contract.  The group also contains Mexico and Cameroon.  The hosts aren’t great at the back with David Luiz being a walking mistake and there’s space behind Marcelo and Dani Alves if you can get at them.  Up front, Fred was useless, completely hopeless but Neymar was different class altogether and Oscar played well on the right after a shaky start.  Croatia could still go through of course but without Mandzukic they are short up front.  Neither Olic nor Jelavic look the answer at all.  I did like their manager Niko Kovac who didn’t pull any punches in his post match interview, the gist of which was that we may as well all give up and go home if that’s a penalty.  He might not be far wrong.

That my Friends, is a header!

13/6/14

Group A – Mexico 1 Cameroon 0

What we needed after the farcical refereeing performance yesterday was a controversy free game and that’s exactly what we didn’t get as Mexico were the better side against a pretty dismal Cameroon and had two goals disallowed in the first half for offside.  The first one was level and no benefit of the doubt was given to the attacker and the second one was ridiculous.  A cross came in and the striker was miles onside but it flicked off a Cameroon defender which in the mind of the linesman, made him offside.  Absolute horse shit.  The linesman couldn’t tell the difference between a Mexican in a green shirt and a big black bloke in a yellow shirt.  Players dream of scoring even one goal in a World Cup but Giovanni dos Santos had two legitimate goals disallowed because the lino had been on the cocaine in a can before the game.  Luckily for Mexico iit wasn’t decisive as they scored the winner in the second half when Peralta followed in and scored then the ball bounced back to him.  Cameroon have some good players but were pretty ordinary and Mexico’s game with Croatia will decide who goes through behind Brazil.

Group B - Spain 1 Netherlands 5

Initial fears that we were going to get Friday the 13^th: Spain v Netherlands: The Sequel, looked well founded as Nigel de Jong went piling into players but without approaching neck level like he did 4 years ago.  Spain have a new striker in Diego Costa who they bought from Brazil.  The guy was born in Brazil and played for Brazil  in a couple of friendlies but now he’s Spanish.  OK, that’s a fucking stupid rule especially when you consider that Brazil haven’t played any competitive games for 4 years.  Having said that I’m not sure that the Confederations Cup counts.  So Spain now have a striker and he won a penalty when de Vrij went steaming in like a twat and Costa hurdled the challenge and trod on de Vrij as he slid by and fell over.  Penalty – really?  Anyway, up stepped Xabi Alonso to score and we all sat back waiting for a masterclass of possession.  The Dutch however had failed to read the script and equalised soon after as Daley Blind bombed over a huge cross from the left and van Persie scored with a fantastic diving header which he lobbed over Casillas.  Fabulous goal and half time.  

The 2nd half was a procession but not towards the Dutch goal.  Spain went pass, pass, pass, pass, pass and lost it, the Dutch went for the throat.  Blind played another great ball for Robben who danced around Ramos and Pique before smashing past Casillas and 3-1 then arrived as Casillas flapped at a cross and de Vrij bundled it in.  To be fair to the keeper, it was a foul on him by van Persie but he was nowhere near the cross.  Casillas then made sure that everyone knew that he had gone to shit and controlled a back pass straight to van Persie and the only thing that was going to make him miss was shock.  Needless to say, he didn’t miss and 4-1 became 5-1 as Robben got in a foot race with Ramos from half way and Casillas made it easy for him by flying out like a complete arse.  It could have been 6-1 but to be fair, Casillas made a superb double save from Wynaldum and then from Robben but bloody hell, Spain suddenly got old.  All that was left was for the hapless Torres to come on as a sub and dawdle over a tap in, allowing Blind to tackle him practically on the goal line.   The Spanish were very average but the Dutch had their moment like England did when we smashed Germany by the same score.  He question remains if the Dutch will build on it or under achieve like we did.

Group B – Chile 3 Australia 1

Australia are a bit like the United States in that I don’t like them at all.  They’re usually just a team of athletes who are organized but this time, the coach has ditched nearly all the experienced players and is going with the youth who are obviously not very good as they’ve been getting humped in their warm-up matches.  So, hopes are high that they’re going to get a pasting, especially when Chile scored twice in the first 15 minutes through Alexis  Sanchez and Valdavia.  The expected annihilation didn’t materialize though as Tim Cahill pulled on back with a trademark header from a right wing cross.  Australia had the odd situation which could have led to an equalizer but Chile put it to bed near the end as Jean Beausajour made it 3-1 with an arrowed finish from the edge of the box.  Off you go Australia.  Chile against Spain will be a bit tasty now.

"I can play shit in any of the forward positions"

14/6/14

Group C – Colombia 3 Greece 0

There was no way on God’s green earth that I was going to make a special effort to watch a game involving Greece unless I had to.  Their World Cup is going to be, turn up, play three games, have about 2 shots in 3 games, lose and go home in time for tea.  It took them all of 5 minutes to fall behind to the decent looking Colombians when Amero wandered up from the back and scuffed in a shot which was deflected past the keeper.  The rest of the first half was fairly even and the Greeks had a penalty shout at the start of the second as Samaras weaved into the box before having a dive instead of carrying on.  Serves you right you wanker.  2-0 through Gutierrez from a flick on from a corner and then Gekas hit the bar from 4 yards out when the preferred option would surely have been to nod into the gaping empty net.  He used to play for a dodgy Southern based Engish club in blue if I remember correctly.  Rodriguez sidefooted home for 3-0 and the game was all over, Greece had been more attacking than I expected but they’re shit, basically.  Colombia looked like a side who will reach the knockout stages and whoever plays them will fancy their chances.  They do however have mad goal celebrations.

Group D – Uruguay 1 Costa Rica 3

I was expecting a procession towards the Costa Rica goal for this game even with Uruguay being without Luis Suarez and so it proved for the first half.  A rugby tackle in the box brought a penalty to Uruguay which Cavani converted.  I dunno about you but I think Cavani is severely overrated but his goal was the difference at half time.  Ten minutes after half time and the beer kicked in and I went to the loo and when I’d got back, Costa Rica were 2-1 up.  Joel Campbell smashed in the first as a free kick broke to him inside the penalty area and then Duarte rose above everyone at the back stick and headed and headed across Muslera and in the other side of the goal.  Uruguay’s defending was carnage despite Godin and Lugano performing the same wrestling moves that had won them a penalty at the other end.  Uruguay had half an hour to find a goal and produced nothing with Cavani anonymous and 3 substitutions tellingly leaving Suarez on the bench and none of the incoming players providing any spark.  A Costa Rican sub fastened onto a through ball from the excellent Campbell and slid it first time under Muslera who came rushing out like an idiot.  Man of the Match Joel Campbell is one of the players that Arsenal have been stockpiling who hasn’t played a first team game for them and has just been out on loan everywhere.  Well that wasn't in the script for this group - Cat released, pigeons everywhere.

Group D – Italy 2 England 1

News came through whilst the Uruguay game was happening that Raheem Sterling was going to start and Adam Lallana had been dropped.  This on its own was a bit concerning as it meant that Welbeck was still in the side but then the whispers started that Sterling was in the 10 role and Rooney had been shunted left into a role where we have about 5 players who are more effective.  This ‘leak’ was confirmed before kick off so  I assume we can chalk this one down to Lallana being the easiest to drop.  England started well and Sterling had the whole country on it’s feet when he fired in a shot from 30 yards which sped past the keeper and hit the side netting.  For all the world it looked like a goal and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in being off my chair, shouting and generally making a tit of myself.  Italy were immediately tearing us a new one down the left where Darmiann and Candreva were up against Baines as Rooney totally failed to give him any cover. They opened the scoring from a corner as we switched off, Pirlo stepped over the corner and Marchisio took a touch before lashing it through the crowd and into the net with Rooney failing to get anything on it as it whistled past him.  Back came England straight away though and a good break and ball by Sterling allowed Rooney to curl a delightful cross to Sturridge who buried it on the half volley to make it 1-1.  We had a good go at going 2-1 down before half time as Hart went walkabout and then kind of half got back in his goal.  The Italian chipped him easily and Jagielka got back on the line to head over.  It was interesting that they didn’t show the goal line technology graphic when they’d previously been showing it when the ball hit the net and stayed there.  I guess that they couldn’t stand the thought of Phil Neville commentating on it in his monotone drawl.

Acknowledgement that the Rooney experiment hasn’t worked came when Hodgson switched Rooney and Welbeck over but it was still bad and within 10 minutes Italy were back in front as Baines was exposed again 2v1 and he then compounded it by not marking either player.  A cross from the right and Balotelli got in behind Cahill to give Hart no chance with a header.  Liability Johnson had followed his man into the centre forward position so either through lack of communication or just bad marking we were 2-1 down.  We had at least 4 players blowing out of their arses by the hour mark but Hodgson took off Welbeck who wasn’t one of them and brought on Barkley who immediately looked lively.  Henderson was next to be removed and Wilshere come on which made me thing that Hodgson was just doing it by numbers.  He knew Barkley should have started so he was first sub, Wilshere was in the team before injury so he’s on next and I predicted that Lallana would be on next as he was unlucky to be dropped.  Sure enough, when Sturridge copped a dead leg, Lallana came on when it really should have been Lambert.  We had the one glorious chance to equalize and it fell to Rooney who cut inside a defender and with the whole goal to aim at on his right foot, he shat it wide of the near post in abysmal Sunday League fashion.  Rooney finally got to play up front when Sturridge went off, and predictably did nothing.  Wilshere’s contribution involved running headlong into three players and wondering why he lost the ball and didn’t get a free kick.

The second half was poor and Hodgson was mainly to blame.  Rooney should have come off on the hour mark, closely followed by Gerrard who looked really old on that performance.  Contrast with Pirlo who is a year older and was outstanding for Italy as we didn’t get near him.  Welbeck was having a decent game until he was subbed to indulge Rooney some more.  Aside from the cross for the goal, Rooney was woeful both with and without the ball and does not deserve to start the next match.  He will be indulged though like he always is despite doing absolutely nothing to justify it.  Sturridge is better up front, Sterling, Barkley and Lallana are better in the hole, Sterling, Chamberlain and Lallana are better in the wing positions.  He simply does not deserve to start.... but he will.  Also, he’d be a very good impact sub to bring on with something to prove.   Hodgson has to sort himself out and pick his best team.  If you want a comparison then think 1966 and Alf Ramsey.  Everyone played with wingers at the time but Alf decided not to as we’d be a better team without them.  Jimmy Greaves was our best striker but Alf decided that we were a better team with a Geoff Hurst – Roger Hunt partnership up front. How did that one work out in the end?

My marks out of 10 are: Hart 6, Johnson 6, Baines 5, Jagielka 7, Cahill 6, Gerrard 5, Henderson 6, Welbeck 6, Sterling 7, Rooney 5, Sturridge 7

It has to be said though that we played pretty well and probably deserved a draw which we would have got against a team a little less streetwise than the Italians.  It annoys me that we allowed Pirlo to run the game in the same way as we did two years ago but going forward we were more inventive than of late.  We need to go the whole hog though and leave out the players who drag us back.

Uruguay on Thursday is now a must win.

Euro 2012 Part 8 - Shocks and Surprises My Arse

Rooney's lack of energy explained

21st June – Portugal v Czech Republic (Quarter Final)

Quarter final time and after a day off, It’s Portugal against the Czech Republic which is a game that’s really hard to get excited about unless you are Portuguese or Czech or unless you love Ronaldo, which is something that Ronaldo himself, definitely does.  It quickly becomes apparent that this is going to be a total bore as the Czech’s have no ambition at all and are playing for penalties from the first minute.  The first incident of note is some quality foot stamping petulance from the messiah himself when a pass fails to reach him.

When he calms down he gets on the end of a cross and tries a ridiculous overhead kick which goes wide but it leaves you in no doubt that he fancies it today.  A marvellous piece of skill sees him take down a long ball and spin his marker before shooting past Cech and onto the base of the post.  As we go into the second half, Portugal and in particular our greasy hero are getting mildly irked at the chances going begging as Almeida heads over a meat and drink chance and then Ronaldo clips in a superb free kick from miles out which again hits the post with Cech beaten.  Nani and Moutinho had long range efforts that Cech tipped over before Moutinho stood up a superb cross for Ronaldo to come in off the left wing and thump a header down and past Cech to give Portugal a totally deserved lead which they never looked like surrendering.

The Czech Republic performance was summed up in the 93rd minute when they won a corner.  With Cech up from in goal, the corner was hit over everyone and off for a throw in on the other side.  Yes, the Czech Republic were shite and they won Group A.  Aside from Moutinho, Portugal’s midfield is ropey as you like and if the main man doesn’t score, you do wonder who is going to.  I reckon they’d beat France but can’t se them doing the Spanish, no matter how well Ronaldo plays.  He’s horrible but he is some player.  Czech’s deserve to go out and all they achieved was proving how poor Group A was.

22nd June - Germany v Greece (Quarter Final)

The second quarter sees Germany play Greece and if ever there was a banker in football, this is it.  Germany will attack and Greece will defend, there will be lots of bail-out jokes on TV and in the newspapers and Germany will get what they want.  Oh yes… and the other predictable thing is that Germany will be arrogant and they do this by leaving out their three first choice strikers with Gomez, Muller and Podolski being replaced with Schurrle, Reus and Klose.  For this reason alone it would be nice if they get stuffed but I bet they won’t.

It was even more predictable than I thought because Greece were complete crap, relying on Germany missing chances which they duly did until Lahm cut on from the left and bent a shot into the far corner with the aid of a slight deflection.  1-0 at half time and all Germany with Greece having made Manuel Neuer appear on the TV screen just once with a scuffed shot that was blocked before it reached him.  What the Greeks do have is the ability to somehow score a goal and they manage it with just two players as Salpingidis breaks down the right and all of the rest of the team are back defending aside from Samaras who belied his ‘useless donkey’ reputation by neatly pulling away from Boateng to meet the cross and bundle it under Neuer for 1-1.  It’s completely ridiculous to be honest as the Greeks in the crowd go mental and smash imaginary plates whilst the suave and dapper Joachim Loew’s smacked arse face is only matched by Angela Merkel who doesn’t have the best of faces to start with.

The bastards only gave us about 5 minutes of thinking that Greece might somehow nick it before Reus’ cross was spectacularly volleyed in by Khedira from the edge of the box who has a very powerful shot off of his shinpad.  Within quarter of an hour it’s 4-1 as Klose rises unchallenged  (aside from some shit Superman effort by the Greek keeper) from 6 yards to head in a corner to notch the first goal by a Pole in Poland since Podolski scored in the last match for Germany.  Next up it’s Ozil running through and is well thwarted by the keeper but he rebound falls to Reus who smashed a volley in off the bar which was really unnecessary considering the keeper was lying on the ground.  Great finish though.  The Greeks have the last word though as Boateng handles a cross (sort of) and they get given a softish penalty which Salpingidis tucks away to make the final score 4-2 so now we know that if England manage to negotiate their way past Italy, we’ll be playing Ze Germans in ze zemi-finals, again.  They look good it has to be said…

23rd June – Spain v France (Quarter Final)

It’s Spain against France and Spain are wrestling with the one striker or no striker debate whilst France have lost their first match in 15 or so (v Sweden) so of course it’s time for civil war. They really are a bunch of egotistical twats aren’t they. Manager Laurent Blanc who somehow has a good reputation, picks two right backs to combat a perceived Spanish strength down the left hand side with Jordi Alba and Iniesta.  He’s right in that they are strong but the problem is that they are so strong they will probably rip you apart anyway and there are 8 other strong players on their team or 7 if Torres is playing, which he’s not.  The funny thing is that France have sacrificed Nasri in order to do this and I expect he took that well, team player that he is.

Fake centre forward Fabregas is the first to show and he should have had a penalty as he chased a through ball and was wrestled to the ground by Clichy but somehow, none of the referee, linesman or goal-line assistant managed to see it.  Not to worry though as Spain soon went in front when, you guessed it, Alba and Iniesta combined with Alba skinning right back number 1 (Debuchy) who fell on his face allowing Alba to skip round him and beautifully pick out Xabi Alonso who headed past Lloris back the way it had come and into the corner of the net.  Lovely goal and 1-0 and probably game over with 20 minutes gone.  All Spain would have to do is defy the famous French fighting spirit.  Luckily for Spain this only really occurs when fighting amongst themselves and so the Spanish kept the ball pretty much for the rest of the first half and went in 1-0 to the good.

The second half is dull if you want to see loads of chances and shots on goal but it was decent if you wanted to watch Spain pas it around and make the French look like 2nd rate twats so it worked for me.  France had a couple of efforts but didn’t get anything decent on target but it took until the last few minutes for Spain to seal it as Pedro Rodriguez burst into the box, dropped a shoulder to go past right back number 2 (Revelliere) who clumsily brought him down.  Xabi Alonso fought his natural instinct to pass the ball and smashed the penalty into the corner sending Lloris the wrong way and so it was done and the French could go home but not before Nasri had a fight with a journalist or two.  They will not be missed I suspect.

Spain go through to play Portugal so expect Ronaldo to get incredibly frustrated while 6 Spanish midfielders pass the ball round him.

So, three of the four quarter finals have been mismatches where the expected team has dominated and the underdog has been complete shite and not put up any kind of performance.  Knockout ties usually remove the fear but one team in all of these matches was shit scared of trying anything and they all deservedly lost.  England and Italy could easily see both teams concentrating on not losing the game and I’m sure that if it wasn’t for the tension, this game would be rubbish.  We’ll see….

24th June – England v Italy (Quarter Final)

So it came to pass that England played Italy and Hodgson picked the same team that beat Ukraine with Rooney and Welbeck up front with Young and Milner on the wings.  It’s nearly a disaster within five minutes as de Rossi attempts a ridiculous volley from 25 yards which swerves away from Hart and hits the inside of the post.  Remarkably and surprisingly, England then start to play with some lovely football breaking out down the right which ends with Johnson cutting in, getting the ball back from Milner via a bit of a lucky deflection and then scooping a shot goalbound which Buffon manages to claw away.  At the other end, our favourite nutbag is keeping the England defence busy as they’ve obviously targeted the space behind John Terry which is usually the flat of whoever’s wife he’s shagging.  Whatever you or I say about Terry’s personality, he’s having a superb game here.  No one’s talking about Rio now.

Welbeck worked a decent chance by playing a 1-2 with Rooney and fired over which must have been because of his surprise at getting a decent return pass from his strike partner but back came Italy with another block from Terry and Nugbagotelli getting annoyed with himself and kicking hell out of the post.  Just after the half hour, Italy begin to take over and it coincides with Rooney getting tired and not putting Pirlo under any pressure which was clearly part of his job.  When Pirlo plays then Italy play and he just pops passes about, short and long and England are pleased to get to half time having chased shadows for the last 10 minutes.

Roy’s half time team talk either wasn’t listened to or he said “let them have it, let Pirlo run the game and if we get it, give it back to them straight away”.   Rooney, Young and Milner in particular were listening to the last bit and It’s carnage but somehow we survive as Hart flaps out a de Rossi shot and then saves the next effort from Balotelli before looking on in relieved fashion as Montolivo manages to slam it over from about 6 yards.  A spot of penalty area pinball finds de Rossi all on his own a few yards out and thankfully he panics and slams it wide as well.

We create a half chance which Young puts wide with a shot of no conviction and Hodgson has realised that we need something different to get back into it and Walcott and Carroll are coming on.  Comfortably England’s two worse performers have been Rooney and Young so maybe Milner to the left and Walcott on the right but annoyingly, Milner (who has had his best game in this tournament – not saying much admittedly) is hooked, as is Welbeck.  Why not Rooney? – he’s stunk the place out for two matches and is completely unfit.  Leaving Young and Rooney on has basically left us playing with 9.

The last 20 minutes are painful as we bomb it forward to Carroll and then Italy pick it up and try and pick a way though us.  Time and again our defenders are getting the vital block in with Glenn Johnson pulling out the best effort to deny Nocerino when it seemed a goal was certain.  Somehow we got to the end.

Extra time starts and we’re immediately in more trouble as Jordan Henderson is warming up and coming on for Parker who has the demeanour of a soldier staggering across a battlefield with bullet holes all over him.  So now we’re playing with 8.  The rest of extra time is painful with Italy and particularly Pirlo just strolling about and us relying solely in Hart wellying it up to Carroll and hoping for the best.  To be fair, Carroll is doing ok bringing the ball down but he flicks on lots towards where Rooney should be but the fat knackered one doesn’t read any of them.  Diamanti hit the post with an attempted cross and it looked like we were put out of our misery with 10 minutes to go as Nocerino stole in to head home a cross from Diamanti on the right but the flag was correctly raised meaning Terry, Lescott, Cole, Johnson and Hart had a further 10 minutes to hold out.... and somehow we did.

Full time and penalties to come.  I can hear my daughters (aged 13 and 11) still wandering about upstairs so call them down to watch the penalties.  They’ll enjoy this wonderful sporting theatre whilst their Dad spits, shouts and swears at the TV.

It all starts relatively well with Balotelli beating Hart with ease and Gerrard thumping one in before Montolivo scuffs one wide and Rooney manages to kick the ball in the right direction and score.  Pirlo then proved that he has the biggest balls on the planet by dinking his pen into the middle of the goal before Ashley Young stepped up.  I can tell who is likely to miss these days (I picked out Montolivo who looked nervous) and if I could have been quick enough, I’d have phoned Ray Winstone and his ‘all about the in-play’ and bet on Young missing – he looks fucking terrified and like he’d rather be anywhere else.  Bang, crossbar.  “WANKER”, I said in very loud shouty fashion, thus bringing a new word into my kids vocabulary.
Nocerino scores and Ashley Cole steps up and goes for the same corner as he did in the Champions League shootout a couple of weeks back.  Obviously Buffon was watching and saved easily.  Up steps Diamanti to win it and comfortably beats Hart and so we’re out again, on penalties, again...1990, 1996, 1998, 2004, 2006 and 2012 are the penalty exits I’ve sat through.

Unlike the World Cup in 2010 – I wasn’t too upset by the manner of our exit.  Like 2010 against Germany, we totally deserved to lose but at least this time we died trying.  Hodgson did well given the limited time that he had with the squad thought his tactical rigidity is something that worries me slightly going forward.  For example, why not swap Rooney and Walcott for the extra time period, see if the Italians fancy Walcott’s pace in behind them and you never know, he may actually read one of Carroll’s flick-ons which Rooney just didn’t.... why not bring on someone like Phil Jones for a striker and tell him to man-to-man Pirlo and not let him move.  We stuck to 4-4-2 with like for like swaps.  I can’t moan too much about Roy because he had little time to prepare but the honeymoon period will soon be over if we continue to play in this rigid manner.

As for the players, some came out with reputations enhanced like Gerrard, Hart, Johnson, Cole, Lescott, Terry and Parker and some like Welbeck, Carroll, Walcott and Chamberlain showed a bit of promise for the future.  The biggest but most unsurprising let down was Rooney who whilst he wasn’t quite at his “can’t control the ball” form from 2010, was so poor as to actually detract from the team.  So many allowances are made for him and he just never justifies it.   He gets called ‘World Class’ over here which is a joke – there must be 50 players better than him in this tournament alone.  We played better without him and the bottom line is that his lack of fitness was totally unprofessional.  Was the team base near a red light district in Krakow?  If so, this would at least explain his lack of energy.  He’s missed two games but played like he was feeling his way back in from a year out injured.  I doubt it would have made any difference but today he should have been substituted instead of Welbeck.  When are we going to judge him on what he actually does in a given match rather than what he has done in the past for Man United?  Nice squirrel though.

On that subject (not rodents), we also have to get away from picking solely from the biggest clubs.  Milner for example, hardly plays for Man City so is he more prepared for a tournament than someone who plays every week for Swansea for example.  Anyway, moan, moan, moan.  Team spirit was good and most of the players in the main showed some pride about playing for the Three Lions.  Overall, I think we did pretty well in this tournament.  We have a decent defence and keeper which is the basis for a good side but the rest needs work and I'm sure Roy Hodgson, Ray Lewington and Gary Neville will know this.

Fair play to Italy who deserved to win and I hope they dick the Germans but I can’t see it.  The Germans have had two days extra rest, didn’t go to extra time, had easier quarter final opponents and rested players for that game as well.  Germany will win but Italy will make it tough for them.  Before that though we have Spain and Portugal which is a game Portugal can win if they play without fear... which they won’t so I predict 1-0 to Spain.

World Cup 2014 – 48 Years of hurt, fuck off Frank Skinner.

Euro 2012 Part 6 - Group B Teams make Semi-Finals

No Caption Necessary

16^th June 2012 – Group A

So now we reach the point in the tournament where teams start going home unless they’ve done an Ireland or Sweden and managed to get homeward bound a game early.  Today we have the conclusion of Group B with Greece playing Russia and the Czech Republic playing Poland.  Of course, both games kick off at the same time.

Greece have given themselves a chance by dropping Mr Bean and picking a goalkeeper.  Russia have the better of the first half with Kerzhakov firing wide by 6 inches as opposed to his usual 6 miles.  Other Russian chances come and go, mainly through Zhirkov who is playing so far forward that ‘left back’ seems a bit of a misnomer.  They still hadn’t worked Mr Bean’s replacement though and then, out of nowhere, Greece score as a throw down the line is obligingly headed to Karagounis by a Russian centre back.  As Karagounis advances, no one closes him down and he gets into the box before firing straight through Malafeev to put the Greeks 1-0 up.  The TV flashes up a ‘as it stands’ table and Greece are now top, above Russia with the Czechs in third – all with 4 points.  I can’t get my head around that at all for now as surely the Russians are above both as they won that game 4-1.  Half time.

In the Czech Republic v Poland game, Poland have to win to go through, otherwise their only victory will have been on the streets of Warsaw, giving some Russian fans a good kicking.  The first half is all Poland but nothing is on target with both Boenisch and Obraniak hitting the side netting and Lewandowski firing wide when he really should have scored.  Boenisch at least forced a save from Cech when he had a shot from about 40 yards which dipped in front of the keeper who actually remembered that he is supposed to be one of the worlds’ best and palmed it wide.

The second half saw the Czechs coming more into it as they knew that they had to score.  Poland appeared to have shot their bolt in the first half and were producing nothing and were grateful to Baros butchering a 3 on 2 break by shooting from miles out when both Jiracek and Gabre Selassie were available.  He didn’t make the same mistake a second time though when following Poland giving the ball away yet again, he advanced and fed Jiracek who skipped inside a desperate defender and rolled it past Tyton to take the Czech’s from third to top of the group as it stands with just 15 minutes left.

The second half of Greece against Russia is more even as Russia are going for it and leaving spaces at the back.  Karagounis dances through one of these and into the box and it hacked over.  Surely it’s a penalty, no it’s a booking for diving and if the Greeks go through, he misses the next match which is bollocks.  Greece hit the post from a free kick whilst the Russians huff and puff and do sod all really.  News of the Czech goal filters though and so the Russians now know they are 15 minutes from going out and still they produce fuck all.  One of the commentators (Andy Townsend I think) pondered after the first game if Russia had the mental toughness to win the tournament and today we say that Townsend was right and that they have no mental toughness at all.  When they needed it, the managed zero shots on target.  Last minute…

Poland were gone now but they could still have a say and Blaszcykowski shot and time stood still.  If it goes in then the Czech’s are out and Russia go through with Greece.  If it doesn’t then the Czech’s win the group and Russia are out.  It’s going in and then Kadlec gets back to head it off the line and I would imagine that the whole of Poland celebrates.

So, the Czech Republic win the group and unbelievably, because of the head-to-head record counting before goal difference, Greece finish 2^nd and Russia go out despite being the only side in the group with any quality – stupid rule isn’t it, or is it…

The reason I initially thought it was a stupid rule to have head-to-head records before goal difference is that I’m a traditionalist.  Since time began it’s been points, then goal difference, then goals scored.  In a group of 4 teams though, maybe it’s a good thing to have it the other way round as it means that there is less likelihood of their being meaningless games at the end of the group.  If the rules had been the traditional way then Greece would have had to have beaten Russia by 3 goals to finish above them which they would never have been able to do.  Poland in all truth should have qualified but making a balls of the first game against Greece was their undoing.  1-0 up and half an hour against 10 men…. You gotta win that.  Still, as they say in Poland… It’s my party and I’ll kick the fuck out of the Russians if I want to.

The end result is though, that two incredibly average teams have progressed from Group A and I would be amazed if it’s not whoever finishes first and second in Group B who makes the semi-finals. 

17^th June 2012 – Group B

The other reason I suddenly like the rules to separate teams on the same points is that it means there’s a chance that Germany could actually go out if they lost to Denmark and Portugal beat the Netherlands.  It was a dream scenario but I couldn’t really see it happening.  The Dutch could only go through if they beat Portugal by 2 goals and ze Germans beat Denmark.  Needing a favour off of ze Germans must stick in the throat of the Dutch as (as one Dutch man put to me) we haven’t trusted the Germans for 70 years.

It all started well for Bert van Marwijk the Dutch boss.  He’d left out the creaking Van Bommel and the ineffective Afellay to accommodate Huntelaar and van der Vaart and the latter put the Dutch ahead after 10 minutes, curling a brilliant left footed effort into the far corner.    It got even better for the men in Orange when word came through that Germany had taken the lead against Denmark when abysmal defending from a throw in allowed Muller (who had earlier missed an absolute sitter, passing to the keeper when he had a free shot from 6 yards) to squirt the ball across to give Podolski a free shot from 6 yards and he showed Muller how to do it on his 100^th appearance for the country he isn’t from.    The Dutch suddenly have a problem though – not only do Denmark equalise as Krohn-Delhi nods in after Bendtner heads a corner back into the mix but Christiano Ronaldo has decided to turn up today.  Firstly he served notice by racing away down the left before cutting in a sliding his shot just wide of the post before he fastened onto a Pereira pass and easily beat Stekelenberg to make it 1-1. 

So, half time and Germany and Portugal are going through, as most people expected.  My dream scenario (which I will now call my Evil Masterplan to ensure the elimination of Germany) is a Portugal goal and a Denmark goal away from coming to fruition.

I’m watching the Portugal v Netherlands match as it’s by far the more interesting of the two and it’s all about Ronaldo.  He’s not a team player at all and it’s all got to be about him but what a player.  A superb touch sees him skin Van der Wiel and set off down the left  He’s got two players screaming for a pass in the middle for a tap in but you can see his brain thinking “if I shoot and score then this will be a great goal” so he takes on Van der Wiel again and then slices it wide.  You can almost understand his thinking though as ten minutes later he’s away again down the left and this time he beautifully picks out Nani at the back post, all of 10 yards out with just the keeper to beat and guess what, he hits the keeper.  Ronaldo is playing to the cameras after Nani’s miss as if to say “you see what I have to work with here”.  He has a point but if I was a team mate, I’d think that I’m lucky to have such a brilliant player in my side but I’d also be thinking that he’s a right cunt.

Ronaldo probably forgave his lesser talented team mate though as following a quick break out of defence, Nani’s ball put Ronaldo in on goal and he easily sold the last defender a dummy before easily beating Stekelenberg to make it 2-1.  Game over for the Dutch but a step closer for the Masterplan.  Two minutes later and that’s all over though as Germany predictably take the lead again with a goal from the amusingly named Bender who has steamed up from right back and latched onto a pass that wasn’t meant for him and put it away easily.  The Danes have had their chances with one shot skimming a post and the ref missing Bendtner having his shirt pulled in the box by Badstuber as he went for a cross but ze Germans prevail yet again.

Meanwhile, van der Vaart crashed a right foot shot off of the post before Ronaldo’s attempt for a hat-trick also comes back off a post.  The games both end 2-1 and so the Germans advance to play Greece (insert your own Eurozone bail-out joke here) and Portugal will play the Czech Republic.  The Group of Death has seen the Germans advance as you would expect and the Dutch remind me of England in the 2010 World Cup as they seemed to be bereft of team spirit and the big players not performing.  Van Persie, Robben and Affelay were disasters and age has caught up with van Bommel who is now so slow that he can’t get close enough to opposition players in order to kick them.  At least he tries though which is more than can be said for some of the others.  Having said that he should start, Huntelaar was complete shit and looked like he was still sulking about being a sub in the first two games.  Only Wesley Sneijder escapes criticism really.

Shame to see the Dutch leaving

Over the next couple of days we find out which two out of Croatia, Italy and Spain will go through and the culmination of England’s group.  We only need a draw but no doubt we will put everyone through the ringer by going a goal down in 5 minutes or something like that.  With Ukraine being the tolerant society that it is, expect scenes like something out of Mississippi Burning if Danny Welbeck scores.  Wayne Rooney has been on interview duty from the England camp and is making all the right noises and he’s had that squirrel on his head trimmed.  What can possibly go wrong?