World Cup 2022 Part 3 - Groups E-H

No One Wants to See Germans Crying 😂

 Group E – Germany, Japan, Spain, Costa Rica

23/11/22
It’s that team in White, starting their campaign against Japan and will surely be a comfortable enough win for the team that always turns up for tournaments. Wrong, massively. Germany should’ve been out of sight in the first half but all they had show for it was a Gundogan penalty, won courtesy of a hilarious challenge by the Japanese goalkeeper who just dived into the back of a player. The Germans seem pretty much in control until, like Argentina against the Saudis, they were undone by two quickfire goals, the second one being a brilliant bit of control of a long ball and smashing it high into the net from a narrow angle. Absolutely marvellous stuff to see the Germans get beat.

It was compounded later as Spain annihilated Costa Rica 7-0. Spain looked good but Costa Rica looked even worse than Iran so I would imagine they are going to take hammerings in their last two games as well. This makes that particular group really interesting because you’ve got to expect Japan to beat Costa Rica and then Germany will play Spain knowing that unless they win, they are going home, knocked out the tournament in two games.  That would be a real shame.

27/11/22
Japan had one job to do. Japan just had to beat the team that have been beaten 7-0 in their first game. If Japan can beat Costa Rica then Germany are absolutely fucked.  Anyway, Japan didn’t win an even worse, they actually contrived to lose to Costa Rica who had one shot all game which looped over the Japanese goalkeeper who basically jumped downwards. It was horrific, not just for Japan, but for everyone who wanted the Germans to go out with no fuss.

So, with three teams on three points and Germany on nothing, Spain took on Germany and what turned out to be a really entertaining game. Germany thought they’d scored just before half-time through Antonio Rüdiger but much of the amusement of everyone who isn’t German, it was disallowed for a tight offside.  It all got slightly surreal in the second half as Álvaro Morata came off the bench for the second game running and managed to score. Germany’s substitute replied though with about seven minutes ago as Fullkrug smashed in an unstoppable shot which means that Germany go into the last game against Costa Rica, knowing that win will in all likelihood, put them through. You had one job Japan… and you fucked it for everyone.

1/12/22
The final matches were absolutely amazing. To start with, Germany took the lead against Costa Rica and when Spain went to head against Japan, it must be assumed that Spain and Germany were going to qualify. However, 10 minutes after half time and Japan had scored twice and Costa Rica had equalised.

It got even more amazing when Costa Rica went in front so as it stood at that particular time, Japan and Costa Rica were going through and Spain and Germany were going out. It was too much to hope for and in typical Germany fashion, they hit back to win 4-2 but it really didn’t matter as long as the Japan and Spain score stayed the same.  Spain were guilty of what they are often guilty of – pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, no cutting edge.  I do wonder if it crossed the mind of any Spanish players that unless Germany had scored a further six goals, they were through even with a defeat but fair play to them, they kept playing and kept the Japanese honest.

About that Winning Japanese Goal

The main controversy of course was the second Japanese goal. The original cross that was hooked back in before it was bundled into the net, looked over the line on first viewing and that’s what the linesman thought because he flagged and the referee initially disallowed the goal. VAR had other ideas though and despite no view being shown which proved that the ball wasn’t over the line, the goal was given. This could be classed as ‘outrageous’ or dare I say it ‘corrupt’ but I go with ‘hilarious’ because it ultimately is what knocked the Germans out.

As I said when they played Costa Rica, Japan had one job to do and that was to put the Germans out.  They did it, in the most roundabout, difficult way possible but they did it and go on to face Croatia in the last 16. Spain is reward for squeaking through is it going against Morocco which won’t be easy for them.

Group F – Belgium, Croatia, Morocco, Canada

Lovren Hits the Net, Lukaku Doesn't

23/11/22
The opening game of group F was a piss boring draw between Morocco and Croatia. Croatia are a team that are creaking and don’t seem to have any forwards so struggled to break down a well organised Morocco defence.  Perisic is still their best attacker, Modric at 37 their best midfielder and in Dejan Lovren, they have a defender of sorts. 0-0 and instantly forgettable.

Belgium and Canada saw the Canadians absolutely run the game in the first half but somehow go in 1-0 down as Michy Batshuayi actually kicked the ball in the right direction for once following a long ball that the Canadian defence obligingly missed. Belgium looked about as far away from being prospective tournament winners as you could possibly be. They still have Vertonghen and Alderweireld in defence and also Leander Dendoncker, who doesn’t even play there for his club. Axel Witsel continues to be a mystifying player and you wonder what on earth he actually does and they just looked very old and average and it’s sad seeing Eden Hazard as he is now, wrecked by so many injuries. Alphonso Davies missed a penalty for Canada and they should’ve had another one at the end of the first half but didn’t get it, just before the goal. The second half was more even but Canada ran out of legs and don’t seem to have a player who can stick a ball in the net.  With Belgium looking like it’s one tournament too many and Croatia the same, this is definitely the ‘Group of Life’.

27/11/22
Belgium took on Morocco, clearly hoping that the luck that was with them like it was when they beat Canada… and it wasn’t.  They actually didn’t have anything to thank luck for but Morocco won 2-0 and totally deserved to do so as the fraud Roberto Martinez got found out again by team that had more legs, more organisation and wanted to win more than the Red Devil’s Golden Generation. Honestly, the average Belgian is going to look back at this era of their national team when they are in the international wilderness in a few years and be like we are with England’s Golden Generation.  How the fuck didn’t we win anything with those players? Belgium’s answer will be Roberto Martinez in the same way that ours is Sven the Charlatan. 

There is a theme developing in this World Cup that if you get in the faces of the alleged best teams and make it difficult for them, they can’t handle it. Morocco didn’t give Belgium a second and totally deserved the win.  Canada must have been hoping for the same against Croatia but there was no shock, despite Canada taking the lead after two minutes through a superb Alphonso Davies header. Croatia didn’t panic and eventually run out easy 4-1 winners with ex-Leicester City flop Andrej Kramaric bagging a couple of goals. Belgium basically have to get something out of their game against Croatia or they are going home and about eight of their over 30s are heading into international retirement, along with Roberto Martinez.

1/12/22
All of the interest in the last round of games centred around the battle of the teams who were too old and therefore playing one tournament together too many. Croatia against Belgium was going on whilst Morocco were easily disposing of Canada 2-1 in the other game.

The game between the European Hasbeens was diabolical in the first half before coming to life with the second half and being slightly less diabolical. Croatia had a better approach play but Belgium created all the chances with second-half substitute Romelu Lukaku being guilty of about four glaring misses. I ended up feeling a bit sorry for him at the end but not for Roberto Martinez who has always been a fraud and like I said before, Belgium are going to so regret trusting him with their best generation of players. 0-0 it finished, so Croatia went through in second place behind group winners Morocco.

Group G – Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon

Massive Arsehole Scores Ridiculously Good Goal

24/11/22
Switzerland.  What’s the point? I mean seriously. Always qualify, always dull. The opening game against Cameroon was his dull as you’d expect until late Embolo goal, won it for the Swiss. Cameroon are similar to the Swiss in that they always seem to qualify but then do very very little.  Both the Swiss and the Cameroonians will be competing in a mini-league with Serbia to see who qualifies behind Brazil, who will more than likely win every game.  

The Serbs were the first to face Brazil and gave it a good go in the first half before being beaten by two Richarlison goals in the second half. Richarlison is of course a massive arsehole but the quality of his second goal was superb as he flicked it up for himself before scissor kicking it into the net from the edge of the box.  That has to be applauded, even though he’s an arsehole. Did I mention that he’s an arsehole?  Another arsehole, Neymar did very little and got substituted and Brazil looked a better side without him. They have a ridiculous array of attacking talent when you consider that Rodrygo, Anthony and Gabriel Jesus were all on the bench.  A bit like England really but Brazil’s manager will use them.

28/11/22
Serbia and Cameroon played out a very entertaining 3-3 draw with Serbia racing into a 3-1 lead before Cameroon hit back. Cameroon’s second goal is an outrageous scooped lob by Aboubakar (like that famous one Karel Poborsky scored) whilst everyone stopped waiting for it to be called offside. It was a ridiculously brilliant goal but his celebration was muted until after VAR confirmed he was onside. So, a point each in the mini league to finish second behind Brazil.

What’s the point of Switzerland? They turned up against Brazil and they tried to keep it tight and manage to do so but it was somewhat inevitable that Brazil would eventually score and the only surprise is that it came from Casemiro, who found himself in the Switzerland penalty area and smashed in a brilliant goal with a first time lash.

Second place behind Brazil will go to whoever wins the Serbia against Switzerland game in the final games.  That will have a bit of politics in it as well because Serbia have been dickheads as usual having an ‘Kosovo is Serbian’ flag seen in their changing room and Switzerland have Shaqiri and Xhaka, two ethnic Albanians, so all sorts of fun predicted in the last game. At least there will be a point to Switzerland in this game and I would imagine they will take second place in the group as Brazil will surely dispatch Cameroon.

2/12/22
With the Brazil and Cameroon game not having much riding on it, all the tension was on the Serbia against Switzerland game which was probably going to kick off at some point for political reasons. Anyhow, whilst the Brazil game was 0-0, Switzerland took the lead through little fat Xherdan Shaqiri before Serbia hit back through a Mitrovic header and a good finish by Vlahovic and took the lead to put themselves in a qualifying position.   Back came the Swiss however through Embolo and Freuler to lead 3–2. I have pondered in this World Cup what the point of Switzerland is and the point of Switzerland is to piss off Serbia and it all got very fractious in the last few minutes with Granit Xhaka in the centre of it as usual. With Serbia needing two goals, the game was up really on the news that Cameroon had nicked a last minute winner against Brazil reserves didn’t really change anything much. Brazil will play South Korea in the next round whereas Switzerland will take on Portugal. I have a feeling that Switzerland are the sort of team that Portugal will not enjoy playing against.

Group H – Portugal, Uruguay, Ghana, South Korea

Ghana lost, but Somehow Won in a Way

24/11/22
Group H started with a very dull goalless draw between Uruguay and South Korea. Uruguay look good on paper with a good blend of experienced and younger players but it never really happened against South Korea who probably, if anyone, should’ve won it. Not a lot to say about either team on that showing to be honest

Portugal are the team to dislike above all others at the moment. So many petulant arseholes in one squad. Diving around all over the fucking place and just generally being whining bastards. Oh and they have Ronaldo and he’s 37 and he can’t do what he used to do so now he is restricted solely to diving and he dived to good effect to win a penalty as Mohammed Salisu stuck his foot in rather daftly and gave him the chance to go over. I really hoped that when VAR was introduced that it would sort out this kind of shit but because of the “is it a clear and obvious error“, there’s always enough leeway to mean that the diving bastard gets away with it. Of course, he fucking scored. Back came Ghana though with an equaliser from Andre Ayew and it looked like we are up for storming end to the game until Portugal scored twice in five minutes. Whilst we all thought the game was done at that point, Ghana got another one back and then came in amazing incident last minute with the Portuguese keeper didn’t check behind him and didn’t notice that Iñaki Williams was loitering.  He rolled the ball out before the Williams nicked it off him and then slipped as he went to shoot. What a shame that was. Would’ve been absolutely fucking hilarious but as it was, the diving cheating petulant bastards got three points.

28/11/22
Ghana were first in action in the second round of matches, in a game they really had to win against South Korea and it looked like plain sailing for the West Africans with the mighty Southampton centre back Mohammed Salisu, scoring a slightly controversial opener. It was controversial because the pass to him him was basically thrown to him by Andre Ayew but cheers, Son’s crying.  Anyway, there was nothing controversial about the second Ghanaian goal by Mohammed Kudus. As with the previous game against Portugal, just when you think Ghana have got control of things, it completely went to shit and two headed goals by Cho, brought South Korea level only for Ghana to virtually go straight back up the other end and score again through Kudus with the assist being provided by a fantastic air shot by Inaki Williams which basically took out about four defenders.

Portugal against Uruguay was always going to be a dirge and the only surprise was that it wasn’t the game with the most extra time added in the tournament, given the theatrical and petulant nature of both of these teams. It looks like No Club Ronaldo had opened the scoring as he wheeled away celebrating that he was the greatest thing since sliced bread - but a quick replay showed that he had not actually touched Bruno Fernandes in-swinging cross so the player still at Manchester United got given the goal.  Both No-Club Ronnie and Piers Morgan were furious.  Bruno followed it up after another absolutely shambles of a VAR decision for handball gifted them a penalty. With No-Club Ronnie off the pitch, no doubt still waving his arms around about not being able to claim the goalie didn’t touch, Fernandes scored a penalty to give Portugal two wins out of two.

This group is of course all about who come second behind Portugal and you have to say that in Ghana are the favourites right now.

2/12/22
Ghana took on Uruguay and Portugal played South Korea in the last round of games.  Portugal were already through and any of the other three could still have made it but at the start of the game you would’ve said that the winners of the Ghana v Uruguay match would be favourites.

Portugal took an early lead in their game and Ghana had a glorious opportunity to do the same in theirs when the impressive Mohammed Kudus was carted over by the Uruguay goalkeeper.  Up stepped Andre Ayew to try and banish the memories of Asamoah Gyan in 2010 and he completely fucked it with a piss weak penalty that was easily saved. 10 minutes later and Uruguay, ironically inspired by the arch shithouse Luis Suárez, went two goals in front with two goals scored by de Arrascaeta.  Just as half-time was approaching, No-club Ronnie provided an assist for South Korea in his own penalty area so now it was all looking very interesting but as it stood, Uruguay were going through.

The second half of the Ghana game was simmering along with Ghana needing a point to go through and Uruguay thinking that they had done enough, so much so that they took off Suarez, Nunez and de Arrascaeta , probably to save them for the next round.  Oh dear - they reckoned without South Korea taking the lead through Chan, which meant that South Korea were ahead of them on goals scored. Portugal didn’t really give a shit about losing and that game was finished whilst there was still seven minutes of the Ghana v Uruguay game to go with both teams going for it whilst Luis Suárez cried on the bench. With one minute left to go, Edinson Cavani basically threw himself in front of a Ghana player and initiated contact and then cried like a bitch when he didn’t get the penalty. At full time they have gone mental all around the referee and he was forced to run off the pitch. What a bunch of wankers. Go home.  Good riddance.

It was a shame for Ghana to go out but I’m sure they will have taken some consolation from the fact that they took some revenge for 2010 and played a big part in Uruguay getting knocked out and had Luis Suárez crying at what was no doubt the end of his World Cup career.

Euro 2020 - Part 5 (Is Anyone Beginning to Think That) It's Coming Home

How Big is My Big Fat Fucking Head?

Day 18 Friday 2^nd July – Spain 1 Switzerland 1 (3-1 on pens), Italy 2 Belgium 1

The first Quarter Final was Spain against Switzerland. Spain had started the tournament sluggishly and were actually in danger of going out of the tournament in the group stages until they clicked and hammered Slovakia 5-0 and some people somewhere one assumes, made some money at the bookies.  The Spanish scored five again against Croatia in the Round of 16 but somehow, the perception is that they are a team that can’t score goals. This image is of course because of the performances of Alvaro Morata. Nevertheless, he will no doubt be present again today as they take on the Swiss, surprise conquerors of France in the last round. The more I think about that, the more glorious it gets. Also though, I would find it surprising if they are able to go to the well one more time today.

Spain took the lead early on in somewhat fortuitous fashion as a ropey corner from the right was hammered back into the penalty area by Jordi Alba, flicked off a defender and gave Sommer absolutely no chance. The rest of the first half is nothing much to write home about but the Swiss start of the second-half well and started taking the game to Spain. Ekanji headed wider and Zuber had a close range effort blocked by Simon. They eventually got back in it when Laporte thought he was playing for France and combined with Pau Torres to completely fuck up a harmless looking ball forward. The ball broke to Froyler, who teed up Shaqiri and the little fat bloke knocked it into the net.   Having worked so hard to get back into the game, the Swiss then attempted to commit suicide with Froyler steaming into a challenge on Moreno and catches him with his trailing leg. It’s harsh as you like but off he goes.

The last 10 minutes of the game and the extra time period were basically an attack versus defence training exercise and as we know, the Spanish don’t have that clinical striker so couldn’t force to win so off we went to penalties.

Azpilicueta Celebrates After Goalkeeper Watches Penalty Go into Orbit

The Swiss must’ve been confident going into the penalty shoot-out because they won one a few days ago and the Spanish have 100% record in major tournaments of losing every single fucking one. Anyway, the form book was somewhat turned on its head as Switzerland, with four out of the five penalty takers who took one the other night available, contrived to miss three out of the first four with only Gavranovic finding the net whilst Ekanji, Schaer and Vargas all missed horribly.  Spain just about did enough with Oyarzabal knocking in the winner.   It was tough on the Swiss to go out that way, especially after fighting their way to the penalty shoot-out with 10 men but if you’d offered them a quarter-final place before the tournament started, they would’ve taken your hand off for it.  They can leave the tournament with their heads held high, knowing that they beat the World Cup holders and any team that knocks France out is a friend of mine. The Spanish didn’t look entirely convincing but they are the first team through to the semi-finals.

This My Son, is Defending

Italy and Belgium was the heavyweight clash of the quarter-finals. De Bruyne was fit for the Belgians and they brought in Doku to replace the injured Hazard the Better. The Italians made a couple of changes with Chiesa coming in for Berardi and Georgio Chiellini was fit again. At 38, he has of course been around for years but it’s amazing to see the man who is probably the last to old school Italian defender, Still playing international football at this age.

It was his defensive partner, the 34-year-old youngster Bonnuci who looked to put the Italians head after about 10 minutes when a free kick was delivered from the right hand side, di Lorenzo nudged it on and Bonucci eventually bundled it into the net with his stomach. Unfortunately, the touch on by di Lorenzo meant he weas offside and so one replay was all that was needed to show that it was going to be ruled out. The Italians responded to that setback by just playing in exactly the same way and Belgium had their first decent effort on goal as De Bruyne carried the ball forward before smashing it with his left foot from 25 yards and forcing a sprawling one-handed save from Donarumma, who according to Danny Murphy, is going to be quite a good goalkeeper one day. The Belgian defence was good one day… but it was a long time ago. They have a combined age of about 120 between three of them and they creaked alarmingly as Barela got free inside the box and smashed it across Courtois and in at the far post.  The most remarkable thing about this goal was the contribution of Ciro Immobile. He was basically lying on the ground feigning injury and this put off the very experienced Thomas Vermaelen who forgot about defending just to go and tell him to get up. As soon as the ball hit the net then Immobile was mobile again, funny that.

Having had a warning, the Belgian defence then allowed Insigne to do what he’s always trying to do, which is cutting from the left, onto his right foot and hitting it at the far corner. Neither Alderweireld or Vermaelen covered themselves in glory, static as they were but it was a brilliant strike and Courtois once again had absolutely no chance. The Italians looked to be going in with a very well deserved 2-0 halftime lead until Doku took on Di Lorenzo on the outside, DeLorenzo lent on him and Doku hit the deck. Penalty was given by the Slovenian referee and VAR wasn’t about to overturn it because there was contact. Not enough contact to shove him to the floor but there was contact. Let’s just say that Doku earned the penalty and put himself on the ground rather than the Italian putting him there. Up stepped Lukaku to halve the arrears.

Belgium should’ve been level just after half-time as the ridiculously quick Doku went down the right hand side and pulled the ball across, taking out three Italian defenders and the goalkeeper and it looked like a tap in at the back post for Lukaku but there is no such thing as a tap in for Lukaku when it’s on his right foot.  He managed to poke it goalwards but Spinazzola had got back to block the ball on the line. The miracle of this is that it was Spinazzola, nominally a left back but rarely back on his own and a half. Doku was the main man, weaving across the pitch from the r left hand side, beating three men before crashing over from the edge of the box. For the last 15 minutes, Italians were the Italians of old with some of the most incredible shithousery techniques you have ever seen to waste time. It was almost beautiful in its execution. The one bit of bad news for them was that the excellent Spinazzola collapsed to the ground and whilst Dr Vertonghen insisted he got back to his feet, it turned out afterwards that he had ruptured his achilles and so will be out for the rest of the tournament.

The Italians seem to have a lot of momentum and are going to be tough to stop.  The injury to Spinazzola is going to mean a change in style of play but they'll adapt.  Mancini is a good manager of course and their defenders, whilst as old as Belgium's, are still putting in top level performances.  Chiellini in particular, was brilliant today.

KDB: Doesn't matter what I do, look at those old clowns at the back

Chiellini: Yeah but they're all younger than me

The Belgians meanwhile, can console themselves with the meaningless title of being the Number One ranked team in the world which they have been for the last three years.  You don’t get a medal for that, which to my mind, shows what a load of old bollocks it is. They need to find a new defence before the World Cup in 18 months and I also have a feeling that when it comes to their business end of tournaments, when you are playing the really good sides, their manager isn’t up to it either.

Day 19 - Saturday 3^rd July (Denmark 2 Czech Republic 1, Ukraine 0 England 4)

Delaney Celebrates Having the Penalty Area to Himself

Denmark versus Czech Republic was the appetiser on Saturday and of interest to England because we would hopefully be playing whoever won this game. The Danes were favourites but I expected this to be a close game because the Czech’s looked decent against the Dutch.  However, if you leave players free at corners then you’re in for a long day and it was 1-0 to Denmark after only five minutes as Stryger Larsen’s corner was powerfully headed home by Delaney, who had the freedom of the penalty area to run into. The Czech’s tried to get back into it but in reality, Denmark looked really comfortable and made it 2-0 after 25 minutes when Vestergaard put Maehle away on the left and he curled in a ridiculous cross with the outside of his right foot and Dolberg come steaming in at the back post to double the lead. The Czech’s had to make a better game of it in the second half and Schick added a few more zeros to his price tag by guiding home a cross from the left wing with a smartly taken volley to make it 2-1.  They didn’t seem to have the energy however to make Denmark really work for the win and they held out relatively comfortably to make their fairytale continue.

One Goal appears to Have Cured all Kane's Movement Issues

England had had to travel for the first time in the tournament and were in Rome to play against Andrei Shevchenko’s Ukraine. As usual, the team leaked on the morning of the game and according to that, we were back to a four-man defence and despite therefore, us having an extra attacking player on the pitch and despite his involvement with two goals in the Germany game Jack Grealish was again left out with Mason Mount and Jaden Sancho coming in for Trippier and Saka. Coincidentally I’m sure, Sancho had that morning been revealed as a Manchester United player. So, the talk was that now he was free from distractions, he would be picked.  As it turns out, Bukayo Saka was carrying a knock and Sancho it’s probably the nearest like for like replacement in the squad. I still don’t get it really but after the Germany game, I have decided not to take issue with Gareth Southgate’s decisions. Let’s just go with it and trust that he knows what he’s doing.

We have barely been going three minutes and Raheem Sterling looks like he’s run up a dead end on the left hand side but when off-balance, manages to slide in a wonderful ball to Harry Kane who is clean through and he almost toe pokes it past the keeper into the net. What a fucking start – Harry is alive!  The rest of the first half was fairly controlled, limiting Ukraine to one half chance and having a couple of attempts ourselves with Rice smashing one straight down the keepers throat and then Sancho really should’ve done better when he took a marvellous touch and turn on the edge of the box before firing straight the keeper.

If we were worried that Ukraine were going to come out and have a serious go at it in the second half, such fears were dispelled within five minutes as England won a corner on the left.  Shaw’s delivery was on the money and there was Maguire to get that big fat fucking head of his on it and bullet it into the net. A couple of minutes later and Shaw again down the left, crosses for Kane to head powerfully through the keepers legs from 8 yards to put the game completely to bed. The rest of the game was an absolute cakewalk with England keeping control of the ball for long periods of time and Ukraine waiting for the plane back to Kyiv. Southgate even had the luxury of being able to substitute all the players who were on yellow cards, with Rice and Phillips being replaced with Henderson and Bellingham and it was a nice moment when the corner from the right by Mount was headed in by Henderson at the near post for his first international goal after 50 odd games. Easy.

With a semi-final place secured in such emphatic fashion, there is course the problem now of keeping a lid on expectations.  England have a semi-final against Denmark at Wembley and win that and the final is of course at Wembley as well.  However hyped the fans get, we can rest assured that Southgate will keep a lid on it in camp. He has undoubtedly created an atmosphere which has a lot more humility than previous England groups and the players all seem to be supporting eachother, no matter what.

Denmark will be the best team England have played so far, by a long way. The attacking talents of Dolberg and Damsgaard and the full backs Stryger Larsen and Maehle will need to be contained but if England can do that then, with the players we have in the front half of the pitch, we should have enough to get through, no matter how much Denmark are carried on a tide of Christian Eriksen emotion. They are a popular team so maybe the gammon headed element of our fan base won't boo the Danish national anthem this time. 

I’d just like to highlight by Quarter Final predictions, which picked 4 out of 4 winners, with one perfect score… they were:

Belgium 1 Italy 2, Czech Republic 1 Denmark 3, England 2 Ukraine 0, Spain 2 Switzerland 1

Anyhow, for the semi-finals I’m going with:
Spain 1 Italy 2
England 3 Denmark 2 (aet)

Euro 2020 Part 4 - (OK, I Accept That There's a Possibility That) It's Coming Home

 

Cheer Up Thomas!

Stop press, England want to offer Gareth Southgate a new contract to take him up to 2024. Do we never learn anything? Didn’t we do this with Fabio Capello and then we absolutely stunk in the World Cup in 2010 and then couldn’t get rid of him because it would’ve cost too much money? It’s absolutely ludicrous to even think about offering Southgate a new contract until this tournament is over. Fuck me, if we go out and play shit negative football and get beaten by the Germans on Tuesday, then this will have been a tournament played exclusively at Wembley and we will have sucked ass both in reality and in public perception. Just no. Don’t fucking do it.

Day 14 Saturday 26th June – Wales 0 Denmark 4, Italy 2 Austria 0

But Ref... We've Travelled Fucking Miles

Moving on - In the 1998 World Cup, there was a round after the first group stage which had 16 teams in it and it was called “The Second Round”. In that round, England lost to Argentina on penalties when David Beckham kicked Simeone up the arse.  The point of bringing this up is that it is no longer called the Second Round but the Round of 16 which as you know, is the number of teams that should’ve been in the tournament in the first place. We don’t call it the Round of Eight or the Round of Four, when we get to the quarter-finals and semi-finals and there’s never been a Round of 32 anywhere. I don’t know why but it just annoys me.

A bit like the coverage of the Welsh in this tournament. Every time we get a studio full of Welsh people - Gabby Logan, Ashley Williams, Hal Robson-Turmeric-Supplements-Kanu and ex-Saints legend Mark Hughes. On top of that, we get Robbie “The Prick’s Prick” Savage on co-commentary, with insightful comments like “wow” and “phew”. Ryan Giggs is nowhere to be seen. Surprise that! It’s like he doesn’t exist.

Savage had a little bit to get excited about in the first 20 minutes as Wales started the better and Bale put a long-range drive narrowly wide. Denmark sussed out the way Wales were playing and tweaked their formation and from that moment on, it was simply a case of how many Denmark would win by. It’s safe to say that they absolutely pissed it. Four goals to nil and Wales lost their shit at the end and started hacking into people. The ball started rolling at the end of the first half with Maehle and Damsgaard combining to release Dolberg who rifled a superb shot into the bottom corner from 25 yards. The second goal was game over and there is an element of controversy about it because it was probably a free-kick to Wales up the other end of the pitch but maybe instead of worrying about that, they could’ve actually done some defending and it might have been helpful when the cross came into the box, if Neco Williams hadn’t tried to use the left foot that he clearly hasn’t got and hadn’t spammed it back across his own goal for Dolberg to make it 2-0. The third goal from Maehle confirmed that he has been one of the best players in this tournament. As an aside, it’s interesting that he got linked with Southampton last year - I think he may be out of our £10 million price range by now.  

Harry Wilson, who is a horrible little shithouse, then decided that he would hack Maehle down in full flight with no interest whatsoever in the ball and then looked surprised when the referee sent him off. To be fair you don’t usually get sent off for this sort of tackle as it wasn’t dangerous as such but I have no problem with players getting sent off for challenges where they are about 10 yards from the ball and just deliberately taking a player out.  Denmark scored a fourth through Braithwaite in the last couple of minutes and this was particularly hilarious because there was a very long VAR check, so Wales had to wait around a good few minutes at the end of a game that they had already lost, just to find out if they’d lost it by more.

Back to the studio for some Taff-punditry, which of course focused on the potential foul in the build up to the second goal and the fact that in the build up for the same goal, it might have gone out of play.  They showed a replay of Braithwaite clearly keeping the ball in play and then went back to the pundits who said “well that looked out”.  No it fucking didn’t you twat. Then we had “no excuses but…“  and then all the excuses about having to travel more than the Denmark team were wheeled out.  Yeah, Denmark have had it far easier than Wales.. they had a player nearly die on the pitch… shut up!

Interim manager Rob Page gave an interview which he will probably regret later.  He seemed to be implying that it was totally unfair because they were the better side for the first 20 minutes until the Denmark manager changed his tactics. That’s how football works you fucking League Two idiot. Manager spots a problem and changes it so team is better. Surprising that no one is discussing one of the ready-made excuses, which is that the proper manager wasn’t there. Maybe the England team are filming a celebratory video of Wales going out… But somehow I doubt it because we might not be very good, but we are not a bunch of small time tinpot wankers.

Denmark are going to take some beating. They play as a team and are technically very, very good. After all they’ve been through, all I can say is good luck to them and I hope they go far. They play attacking football, have an astute manager and have had to delve deep into their squad and just seem to be getting better and better as the tournament goes on.

Italy against Austria should really have been a walk in the park for the Italians but there was a question mark over them because the best team they had faced in their group was Wales. However, tonight‘s opponents Austria, were pretty ropey in their group games as well and qualified due to finishing above Ukraine and North Macedonia so no big deal really. The first half was mainly all Italy but they didn’t look like scoring. Lots of good play in midfield and then usually getting into the final third and then losing the ball. The second-half carried on in much the same vein with Austria coming more into it and it look like a shock was on the cards and 75 minutes when Arnautovic headed in. It would’ve been the first goal Italy conceded since about 1938 but if we go to VAR and the goal is correctly ruled out. The decision is undoubtedly correct and it’s made all the more funny because it’s Arnautovic of course. Into extra time we went and Mancini brought on Chiesa for the misfiring Berardi and it was the sub who opened the scoring, producing a really smart finish from the right and side of the box, nodding the ball backwards to create himself an angle and they’re smashing it in first time with his left foot. Another sub Passina, made it 2-0 not long after that and so the Austrian challenge fizzled out. To be fair, they acquitted themselves pretty well but it’s the Italians who go on to play the winner of the very interesting looking Belgium versus Portugal game.

Day 15 - Sunday 27th June – Netherlands 0 Czech Republic 2, Belgium 1 Portugal 0

A Greater and Lesser Hazard

Like the Italians, the Dutch have got this far, winning three games out of three and not playing anyone any good. They also, like the Italians, have played all of their games at home and this was their first trip somewhere else in Europe, to Budapest to take on the Czech Republic who had of course qualified in third place in England’s group. I got the impression that the Dutch thought they were going to steam roller this but one thing that was apparent was that they weren’t playing as a team where is the Czech’s really were, defending as a unit and attacking with purpose. 0-0 at half time and then 10 minutes into the second-half, the defining moment as Malen got clean through and ran in on goal with just a goalkeeper to beat.  He tried to go round him instead of slotting it and Vaslik pulled off a good old fashion block at the forwards feet.  Straight from that the ball went up the other end and de Ligt should’ve dealt with it but he slipped over and with Schick about to run through on goal he shovelled it back with his hand. The referee initially just booked him, VAR got involved, correctly sent the ref to the monitor and he decided on second viewing that it denied a clear goalscoring opportunity, so off he went. Technology and referee working perfectly to quickly get the right decision.

That shouldn’t necessarily have meant that the Dutch caved in but manager Frank de Boer royally fucked up by keeping five at the back with a back three of De Vrij, Blind and van Aanholt. The Czech’s had already looked dangerous from free kicks with de Ligt on the pitch, so the Dutch could really have done without Stekelenburg needlessly juggling the ball out of play and then van Aanholt needlessly giving away a stupid fail from the corner. Over came the freekick, headed back and there was Holes to thump a header past the defender on the line. Stekelenburg should’ve been in goal but he made a half-arsed attempt to try and catch the initial freekick and was way out of position. The Dutch needed their big players to step up but the big players just did nothing. Frenkie De Jong got all petulant and Memphis Depay didn’t seem to find a single Dutch player with any of his passes. As it turned out the Czech’s broke again down the left, pulled the ball back and there was Schick to sweep a superb left footed finish first time in at the near post. Brilliant goal and a thoroughly deserved win.

Portugal against Belgium was of course, the first real heavyweight clash of the tournament and for the first half, it was fucking boring. Portugal’s default mode is to be really, really dull and defensive and Belgium didn’t have the wit to break them down. Just before half-time, Thorgan Hazard the Lesser, picked up the ball on the left hand side about 30 yards out and just lashed it. Rui Patricio took a step to his right which turned out to be fatal as the ball moved a mile in the air and sped past him on the other side. Bit of a goalkeeping error because the ball didn’t exactly go into the corner. From that moment on, Portugal were a team transformed and threw the sink at it, throwing on attacker after attacker to support the previously isolated Cristiano Ronaldo.

It probably didn’t feel like it at the time but Belgium saw it out relatively comfortably. The experience of Alderweireld, Vermaelen and Vertonghen, even though they have an average age of about 37, did the job they were required to do. Portugal hit the post through Guerreiro but other than that, Courtois was barely called upon. Belgium go through to what should be a fantastic game against Italy in the quarter-finals but will have to do it without Kevin De Bruyne who was cynically taken out by some snide little arsehole called Paulinho who Portugal had a midfield. They might also have to do without Eden Hazard the Greater, who twinged one of his little fat hamstrings again. As the game ended, Pepe went into “I’m 38 and I’m probably retiring and I don’t give a fuck“ mode and started wiping players out but anyone who had “Pepe red card” on their betting slip was ultimately disappointed.  Personally, I had “Ronaldo crying like a baby” on my accumulator and I lost, as the great man managed to keep it in, this time.

Day 16 - Monday 28th June – Croatia 3 Spain 5 (aet), France 3 Switzerland 3 (4-5 pens)

Not Funny At All

I had a feeling that Croatia in Spain was going to be a decent game but for the first half an hour, it didn’t really look like it. Croatia sat deep in Spain did that pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, Morata, miss thing. Our favourite profligate striker had a glorious chance with a free header from 5 yards out but chose sideways instead of forwards and so the chance went begging. Hilariously, Spanish wonderkid Pedri, then pinged a ball straight back to his own goalkeeper and Simon totally missed it to put Croatia 1-0 in front. 40 yard own goal by the 18-year-old. For fucks sake Simon!  Whilst the masochist in me was hoping that it would be the only goal of the game, it’s probably quite good for the mental well-being of the goalkeeper that Spain equalised when The Croat keeper could only parry out a shot from the left and there was Sarabia to ram it into the roof of the net.

The second-half started and it was all Spain with Ferran Torres on the left, picking out Azpilicueta, who had continued his run after starting the move, with a superb cross to make it 2-1. Spain suddenly turned into peak Xavi & Iniesta Spain and it was soon 3-1, with a bizarre goal as they pinged a big diagonal out to the right wing and Ferren Torres ran in front of the Croatian left back and just walked unopposed to the goal before passing it into the corner. Game over, or so we thought.

85 minutes gone and still nothing to see here until Modrić suddenly found himself running in on the goalkeeper and following a spot of pinball, Orsic managed to bundle it over the line. It wasn’t finished there then as we got to 92 minutes Orsic swung over a brilliant cross on the left-hand side and there was Pasalic, totally unmarked to bullet the header past Simon to send us to extra time.

Croatia had the first big chance of extra time as a ball pinged around in Spanish box and fell to Kramaric, once of Leicester City, about 6 yards out he managed to hit the goalkeeper when he had the whole goal to either side and above him to hit. Great save, shite finish. Talking of shite finishers, at the other end and across from the right wing by Olmo, was missed by the Croatian right back and Morata is possessed by the spirit of something or someone decent, brings it down and smashes it into the roof of the net for them to put the Spanish in front again.  That’s it - the Spanish score another goal as well which doesn’t matter because Croatia are now officially done – they clearly missed the suspended “one of the best defenders in the world”.

Having got my breath back from that game, it was time for France against Switzerland which on paper, didn’t promise anything much. France have been functional so far and Switzerland have been bang average. However, France started the game very sluggishly and Switzerland looked bang up for it and it was made much more interesting after 10 minutes when Zuber’s cross on the left was superbly headed in by Seferovic.  Deschamps is an interesting manager in that he chose today to totally change the formation that France have been playing and the back three off of Verane, Lenglet and Kimpembe, played like they had never met each other before. With Rabiot out of position on the left and Pavard not pushing forward, the midfield two of Kante and Pogba were getting overrun, with Granit Xhaka being the star of the show.

In the second half, we got to see the real France for 20 minutes but only after Switzerland are awarded and miss a penalty, awarded for a quite ridiculous challenge by Pavard on Zuber which the ref gave after a VAR check.  Rodriguez’ penalty though was one of those where if Lloris goes the right way then he saves it and sure enough, he did. 10 minutes later and France are 3-1 up. First Griezmann put Benzema through and he produced a ridiculous bit of  skill to get the ball in front of him before poking into the net. Next up, a shot by substitute Griezmann, was deflected up in the air and there was Benzema to nod in from virtually under the bar and then Pogba.  He’s an enigma and he’s not everyone’s cup of tea but fuck me, did he produce something quite ridiculously brilliant, bending a shot into the top corner from about 30 yards.  Like Pogba. France looked absolutely brilliant and it all went a bit showboat and everyone was talking about the quarter-final against Spain, which made what happened next even more funny.

3-2 with 10 minutes to go as a cross from the right wing was powerfully headed home again by Seferovic.  You would have thought that Varane and Kimpembe would have good enough memories to remember that half an hour ago, this guy scored when completely unmarked.  It still look like the Swiss we’re going to run out of time, then Pogba pissed around in midfield and lost the ball, one pass from Xhaka and substitute Gavranovic easily stepped round Kimpembe, who totally sold himself, and fired into the corner to send it to extra time but not before Coman went up the other end and hit the bar.  Not a lot happened in extra time, so penalties it was.

Now, bearing in mind Switzerland’s first choice penalty taker was absolutely shocking, I was expecting France to win this comfortably but Switzerland went first and the first nine kicks were all comfortably scored and then up steps Mbappe.  He’d been shite today with most of the French attacks breaking down on him, usually through him holding the ball too long and trying a shot which was inevitably blocked. Could he score a penalty with the eyes of the world on him? Nope, Jan Sommer guessed right and saved it and so the Swiss go through to play Spain in the quarter-finals after all.  It’s always nice when the favourites go out isn’t it – especially when they’ve pissed it away.

No, Definitely Not Funny

What a mental day of football that was.

Day 17 Tuesday 29th June - England 2 Germany 0, Ukraine 2 Sweden 1 (aet)

Sterling, Grealish, Shaw and a Pitch Invader

Rumours started to emerge that Gareth Southgate was going to go with a back five against Germany and his rumour proved to be correct with the only change from the Czech Republic game being Jack Grealish left out and Kieran Trippier brought in.  I have to admit to being disappointed but not remotely surprised. The last time England use this formation was in the Europa league when it ended up as a 7-0-3 and there was no connection between the midfield and the front players at all. If you play attacking football and lose, there is a bit of forgiveness because at least you are having a go. If you set up to be dour and defensive and don’t win then the sympathy will be in short supply because they will be absolutely nothing to fall back on. I guess you have to admire Southgate for having the courage of his convictions.

The first half was pretty uneventful with England failing to come up with any decent balls into the box and Germany not being much better. England had one effort from Sterling from distance which Neuer saved comfortably and the German Shane Long, Timo Werner had an effort which was well smothered by Pickford.  Right on half time a chance fell to Harry Kane but his attempt to take a touch and finish gave away his lack of form, as the ball ran away from him.  An on-form Kane would have shot first time.  The formation wasn’t really working with the full-backs not getting forward and Rice and Phillips therefore having to go and press on their own.

The second half saw an early attempt from Havertz, acrobatically tipped over by Pickford. Yes it was straight at him but he absolutely fucking hammered it so he did well to get it over the bar. 65 minutes and nothing much happening and the cautious one decided it was time to bring on the attacking players from the bench. In order to do this of course, he had to take off one of our attacking players because you can never have too many of them and Saka came off for Grealish. Then it happened. Sterling picked up the ball in midfield and ran directly towards the goal, fed Kane, back to Grealish and the perfectly weighted ball in front of Shaw to roll in from the left and Sterling it made in his way into the box to put it under Neuer. Get in.

Sterling had a go at going from hero to zero by coughing up possession in midfield and one pass from Havertz later, Thomas Müller of all people was clean through on goal but when faced with the mighty Pickford, he totally shat his pants in un-German fashion and dribbled it wide of the left-hand post. That miss would’ve brought on a really intense scratch and sniff session from his manager.

Harry Kane has basically been walking about upfront for the whole of the tournament so far and I don’t reckon there was an England fan out there who would’ve complained if he’d been substituted at some point but he was still here and he was in the right place as Shaw carried the ball forwards, got the ball out to Grealish on the left and he put over a perfect cross for Kane to stoop and head into the net. Game over. See you later Germany.

Efficient is often a word used in connection with Germans and German football but England were the efficient ones today. We did what we had to do to win the game and you can’t criticise that. Sure, we are not the most entertaining side but we are very well organised, very hard to beat and we have enough good players to create enough to score. Portugal won the tournament last time, playing the same way.  It’s a formula that will be hard for a lot of people to buy in to but whilst wins against the likes of Czech Republic and Croatia are nice, they don’t really convince anyone.  This is Germany however and this is a statement win, this was a 4-1 vs Holland in Euro 96 win. The mood has changed and even the more cynical are now getting cautiously optimistic – that’s me by the way.  Fuck it - give Gareth a new contract.  England will find out who they play after the next game in a few hours but it’s in Rome on Saturday and there is the potential for this to be the only away game that we play in the entire tournament. We are never going to have a better chance of reaching a major international final.

So, Sweden versus Ukraine. The game actually started in quite entertaining fashion with Ukraine taking the lead, well created by Yarmolenko and finish superbly by Zinchenko. Twenty minutes later Sweden were level when Forsberg took aim from the edge of the box and got a fortunate deflection which bounced the ball over the goalkeeper. Half-time came and went and if the first half had been surprisingly entertaining, the second half was shite. Both teams hit the post but in general terms it was piss poor. This led to the inevitable extra time when both teams just started kicking the fuck out of each other. Sweden’s Danielsson was sent off for a high follow-through after clearly winning the ball. Once it went to VAR and got slowed down, he was a dead man. Extra time trundled on with Ukraine kind of half looking to take advantage of having one more man and Sweden just being content to hold on for penalties. 121 minutes on the clock and ball finds its way out to Zinchenko on the left and he gets over a perfect cross and one of the many substitutes, Dovbyk (I swear Jonathan Pearce called him Dogdick) stoops to crash the header past Olsen to send Ukraine through to play England.

Quarter-final predictions:
Belgium 1 Italy 2
Czech Republic 1 Denmark 3
England 2 Ukraine 0
Spain 2 Switzerland 1

Caveat: My predictions for the Round of 16 were absolute shite… Three winners out of eight, those being Denmark, Italy and England

Euro 2020 Part 3 - (A Kind Draw but I Still Don't Think) It's Coming Home

Italy and Mancini - Cool as Fuck

Day 10 Monday 20th June

As the third and final round of group games kicks off, the main thought in my head about the tournament as a whole is what a load of bollocks this format is, with four third-place teams getting through to the next round. Basically, the Euros should be 16 teams with half the teams going out in each round until you get to the final and that’s all there is to it.  Having 36 group matches to eliminate 8 teams is absurd.

No doubt, the response to the general dislike of the 24 team format will mean 32 teams qualify because after all, it’s all about the money. One day will have so fucking many that the Faroe Islands will qualify by beating Gibraltar in a play-off or the Super League clubs will be able to enter their reserve teams. There’s an idea that that Pérez twat from Real Madrid hasn’t thought of yet.

With Italy already through after two games, it was no surprise to see them rest eight players against Wales. Wales were virtually through as well having four points so basically all they needed to do was avoid getting battered by too many. If that happened there was a slight chance that Switzerland would catch them. Mind you, the Swiss were playing against the dark horses of Turkey, or the dark turkeys of Horsey or something like that.

In the end it was all rather predictable. Italy Reserves outplayed Wales from start to finish but it wasn’t quite as joined up and fluid as in their previous performances and despite constant pressure they were only one up at half-time. Ethan Ampadu then managed to get himself sent off for one of those tackles which looks like a yellow at full speed, but once VAR slows it down and you add an over officious referee into he mix, ends up a red.  Most of the rest of the game was spent in Wales half but they held out relatively comfortably to only get beaten by 1-0. The other game was going to be decided by who could buck the trend. Switzerland have been dreadfully boring so far and Turkey have just been completely shite. As it turned out, Switzerland turned up and Turkey showed that they are nothing if not consistent and produced what they had in the previous two games. There were some great goals in this game, two of which from the enigma that is Xherdan Shaqiri and it was nice to see Turkey get a goal as a consolation for turning up. What we can learn from Turkey at this tournament is that if someone tries to predict a real outsider to win a tournament, you are free to laugh at them. Switzerland, despite being dreadfully boring for two matches are more than likely going to go through as one of the least shit third-place sides with 4 points and a -1 goal difference.

Day 11 Tuesday 21st June

Football With Fans is Everything

The Ultimate Group of Life involving the Netherlands and three shite teams was up next with the Netherlands predictably romping to a 3-0 win over North Macedonia. Gini Wijnaldum is a completely different player in Orange, then he has been in red for the last few seasons. Again, the Dutch showed exactly how England should be playing, with full backs bombing forward and runners joining in from midfield, one of whom of course was Wijnaldum, who helped himself to two goals. North Macedonia we’re ultimately not good enough but I have to admit that they added an element of fun to the tournament, mainly because they were so open. The number of times they lost the ball when they had half of the team in front of it, was quite remarkable.

Like Switzerland yesterday, Austria bucked the trend of being dreadful in the first two games and managed to squeak past Ukraine 1-0 with a goal by Baumgartner after about 15 minutes. They will be the team that everyone wants to face in the next round but that privilege will go to Italy. It will be interesting to see the odds on Austria in that game because it could be some of the longest odds you’ve seen in international tournament football in a two horse race. Ukraine, despite losing two matches, have a decent chance of getting through as well.  Three points gained by beating North Macedonia gets them through.

Belgium are already through of course, so they rested a load of players for their game against Finland. This was a bit rich because Denmark, everyone’s second favourite team, were relying on Belgium to win, in order to give them the best chance of getting through if they beat Russia. As it turned out there was no need to worry. At half time, Belgians had not found a way past the determined Finland defence as yet and Denmark were winning 1-0 in Copenhagen, courtesy of a nice goal by Damsgaard, who curled a shot into somewhere near the top corner from the edge of the box. Don’t really know what the young Russian goalkeeper was at that point.

The first goal in the second halves, was the Danes going 2-0 up when an absolutely shocking back pass presented Poulson with an open goal and then there was a massive cheer in Copenhagen as Lukaku scored for Belgium. The fact that it went to VAR was lost on everybody and a couple of minutes later, that goal got disallowed at exactly the same time that Vestergaard went near a Russian forward who fell over to win a penalty which was dispatched by Dzyuba. In the space of about 15 seconds it was threatening to go to shit for Denmark but they got back into their stride and punished a poor Russian side. The goalkeeper made a couple of decent saves in quick succession but the ball ran out to Andreas Christensen 35 yards out and he just lashed it first time into the net and it was finished off by one of those attacking fullbacks that Gareth Southgate thinks England don’t need, Joakim Maeler scored the fourth on the break.

You have to be a heart of stone to not to be delighted for Denmark because with Belgium eventually scoring a couple of goals, courtesy of an own goal and Lukaku, they managed to finish second with just the three points. Finland eventually finished third but with three points and a -2 goal difference, they are unlikely to be one of the less shit losers. The full house in Copenhagen was a sight to behold with fans crying and beer going everywhere. It was a reminder of how great football can be. Belgium will play one of the shit losers in the next round whereas Denmark are off to Amsterdam to play against the Welsh.

As a footnote, this result means that even if England get beaten by the Czech Republic tomorrow, they have qualified for the last 16. Well done Gareth. On the subject of England, two players I’ve had to self isolate because they came into contact with Billy Gilmour of Scotland who tested positive for COVID-19. His Chelsea team mates Mason Mount and Ben Chilwell won’t be playing for England for 10 days because they were in contact with Gilmour after the game. Mason Mount certainly wasn’t in contact with him during the game. This will give Gareth a decision to make with one of his favourites missing and my money is on Jordan Henderson being picked to replace him.

Billy Covid Forces Southgate to Change the Team

Day 12 Wednesday 22nd June

The "Draw at Wembley" Trophy Is Ours!!!

The culmination of England’s group which is really all about the Scotland against Croatia game. Whoever wins that will qualify for the last 16 and if it’s a draw then both will go out. There are lots of hopeful noises coming out of Scotland and calls to make history and all that sort of stuff. I have to admit that are part of me hopes they do it, mainly because of the two Southampton players in the team but there is a part of me I hope they fail horribly, maybe with a horrible controversial VAR incident in the 94th minute. England meanwhile are playing the Czech Republic at Wembley and it’s a case of win the game and stay at Wembley for the last 16 game, probably against one of Germany or France or not win the game, come second in the group and have a more winnable last 16 game against someone like Poland or Sweden but then run into France in the quarter-finals. Maybe it will make a difference to Gareth Southgate and the perception of how well the tournament has gone. Quarter-finals doesn’t sound too bad but losing in the last 16 is not a good look.

Anyhow, with Mount unavailable, Southgate had to change the team so it meant a start for Grealish and also surprisingly, a start for Saka, in place of Foden who was not in the match Day 23. England actually start the game really well, playing at a fast pace and looking to get on the front foot straight away. This is being led by Saka and Grealish.  Sterling lobs the keeper and hits the post before we open the scoring after an excellent break by Saka up the right. The ball ends up with Grealish on the left, who takes on the full back and stands up a lovely cross for Sterling to head in at the back post. The rest of the first half was decent. The Czech’s had a few openings but Pickford was not seriously tested and at half time, some of the gloom around England had been lifted. I have to say that the inclusion of Maguire meant that there was at least some progressive passing out of the defence.  In the course of the first half, they had been some cheering and laughter at Wembley and Scotland went behind two ago from Rebic but McGregor’s equaliser just before half-time meant that we still all to play for at Hampden in the second half.  Scotland have scored a goal.  This is not a drill.

Henderson came on at half-time to justify his selection for the original squad and for the first five minutes, started well. And then we reverted to normal. The last 40 minutes went back to being one of those performances where it feels like time stops, as England became turgid and crablike and uninspiring. Grealish and Saka were taken off, hopefully to be rested for the next game and Jaden Sancho got given eight minutes at the end of the game. This was eight minutes more than Dominic Calvert Lewin it was forced to spend another 90 minutes watching Kane lumber about with no success. Rashford came on as a sub as usual and once again showed nothing.  Job done, clean sheet, dull as you like.

The two biggest cheers of the second half we are courtesy of Luka Modrić and Ivan Perisic. Modrić slamming in an exquisite go on the outside of his right boot from the edge of the box and Perisic flicking in a near post header from a corner into the net to enable Croatia to comfortably see off Scotland and take second place in the group. Scotland can console themselves with the “Didn’t lose to England” trophy.

Over the course of England’s three group games, we have played well for about 20 minutes to get to Croatia in about 50 minutes today (if you are being charitable). The step up in the level of opposition in our next game is going to be absolutely huge and so far, we have not shown enough to remotely suggest that we will be able to compete. We will be hard to beat and it may well go to extra time and penalties but that shouldn’t be what this team is about. We have no discernible pattern of play and are just relying on individuals for individually brilliant moments. Grealish and Saka both deserve to keep their places, ahead of Foden and Mount (if he’s available) so let’s hope that they and that Sterling continues his knack of knowing where the ball is going to drop 3 yards out and that Kane actually wakes up. Sterling and Kane have both been poor across the three games but Sterling’s two goals have glossed over that in his case somewhat.  Am I going to go on about our set pieces again? Yes I am.

They were uniformly dreadful with it being like a tombola to see who had a go at putting in the next delivery. You wonder how many will be competent at taking a penalty. Different skill I know but it does make you wonder.

Day 13 Thursday 23rd June

Yeah, That's a Foul

The main interest in group E for the neutral, was wondering if Spain were going to go out having drawn their first two games. They were up against Slovakia, with Sweden playing Poland. In that game, Sweden were already through and Poland had to win. All you need to say about the Spanish game was that they went one up when Martin Dubravka turned to face his own goal and tried to punch the ball over the bar but instead just punched in the net for one of the worst goalkeeper own goals you could ever really wish to see.  In the 70s there was a goalkeeper called Gary Sprake, who threw the ball in his own net which was largely believed to be the worst keeper error of all time but this is pretty close to that. After that, Slovakia played like they’re really couldn’t be arsed and got pumped 5-0. If they had kept it to 1-0, then they would possibly have sneaked through as one of the slightly less shit 3^rd place teams, but no.  Sweden and Poland was a classic with Sweden taking the lead through Forsberg after two minutes. Poland virtually from that moment on, threw the sink at it and really should’ve equalised before half time when Lewandowski managed to hit the bar twice in the same move. The second-half saw Sweden and Forsberg score early again and now Poland really threw the sink at it. Lewandowski cut in from the left and curled the ball over Olsson to make it 2-1 and then found himself all alone in the middle of the penalty area to equalise.  Poland really deserved it to go their way but eventually, as we reached the 91st minute, they over-committed and Sweden worked it well for Claessen to make it 3-2 and send Poland home. Sweden, despite being a horribly dull team have won the group with Spain in second which shakes up the knockout round because Spain will now be in the other half of the draw and Sweden will be in with England.

The Group of Death at France against Portugal and Germany against Hungary. With Germany playing at home, they were expected to beat the Hungarians pretty comfortably but went 1-0 down through Sallai and for a while, the ‘As It Stands’ table was showing Germany finishing fourth and going out - surely this is too much to hope for. The France v Portugal game was turning into a bit of a classic with Portugal taking the lead with a Ronaldo penalty and then Benzema equalising, also from the spot when a ridiculous decision got given in favour of them Mbappe who has clearly been playing with Neymar too long as he threw himself to the ground.  It was 1-1 at half time and the Germans were still losing, meaning that at the moment, England are playing Hungary in the next round. France took the lead through Benzema and Ronaldo equalised with another penalty (this time for Lloris going for a punch and connecting with a Portuguese head) but it became clear that the other game was far more interesting.

The Germans eventually equalised when the Hungarian goalkeeper had an absolute fucking shocker and came rushing out for a cross he was never going to get. This ended with Hummels heading the ball towards goal and Havertz bundling it in from on the goal line. Straight from the kick-off though, a long ball forward and Hungary were back in front. 10 minutes stood between the Germans going out. It was going to be beautiful. It was going to be hilarious but ultimately, it didn’t fucking happen because Goretska fired one in from the edge of the box which deflected past the goalkeeper. There was to be no Hungarian miracle and so with both games ultimately ending to all, France won the group, Germany came second and Portugal went through fairly comfortably in third place.

Thus endeth the Group Stages.

The two halves of the draw are really lopsided now. In one half, you have Italy, Belgium, France and Portugal of the big hitters, whilst in the other half, you have the Netherlands, Germany and England – Netherlands haven’t played anyone good yet but at least looked good, Germany have had one good performance out of three and England haven’t played anyone any good but still looked very average.   From an England point of view, it’s hard not to look ahead - England have Germany at Wembley in the round of 16, followed by a Quarter-final against either Sweden or Ukraine and the other four teams England could meet in the semi-final are Netherlands, Denmark, Wales or the Czech Republic.

One game at a time though so, can we get past the Germans.  I’m expecting a back 5 and two holding midfielders from Southgate and I’m expecting a lot of arse fingering and ball juggling from Low…  If his team turn up like they did against Portugal then they’ll probably beat us.  If not then we may well see penalties or at best, a 1-0 England win.

Quarter Final predictions are:

Wales 1 Denmark 2
Italy 3 Austria 0
Netherlands 2 Czech Republic 0
Belgium 2 Portugal 2 (Portugal win on penalties)
Croatia 1 Spain 1 (Croatia win on penalties)
France 3 Switzerland 0
England 1 Germany 0 (aet)
Sweden 2 Ukraine 1