The League One Minus 10 Player Review of the Season 2015/16.

Juanmi Divides the Judges Opinions

Spoiler Alert: Fans of Juanmi may be better off elsewhere.

Fraser Forster 8 - Came back from 10 months of injury problems and kept six clean sheets in a row. His return coincided with our upsurge in form and he's been as good as he ever was.  His presence makes the whole back four play better. He is still prone to making the odd mistake regarding when to come off his line (Bournemouth away, Spurs away) but overall, his comeback couldn't really have gone any better.  Him signing a new contract to take him up to 2021 is a huge deal for the club as well and it tells the sniffing Chelsea to go look somewhere else.  It all starts with the goalkeeper (as Brian Clough used to say) and we’re lucky to have an excellent one.  As Koeman said, “Maarten did well but Fraser Forster is Fraser Forster”.

Maarten Stekelenburg 6.5 – I was really pleased when we managed to sign this guy at the start of the season. After all, he is played in a World Cup Final. He was competent enough, not letting in any crappy goals and his kicking and distribution was first class. However, he never seemed to make any game changing saves at all. If the shot was straight at him then he save it but if it was a decent shot then it went in. There was never a moment when I’d given up as the opposition shot as a goal and he appeared out of nowhere and to filling up an arm and tip it over the bar.  In fact, he pulled off more good saves in Kelvin’s testimonial than he did in the half a season he played.  I can't imagine he'd want to stick around next year and be second choice but he gave us a better alternative than we would've had without him at the start of the season and I imagine he could find a decent club to be first choice at.

Kevin Davis. As everyone knows, he's a great guy and a great presence and influence around the first team squad. He thoroughly deserved his testimonial and I hope he had a great night because he deserved that. From a ’playing for the first team’ point of view - thank fuck that's over as it has been about 4 years overdue. Leicester only lost three matches all season but it should have been four and then who knows what would have happened if they'd got the early loss they should've got at St. Mary's. We are to one up in the 95th minute and Kelvin has the ball in his hands. All he has to do is whack it miles and we’ve won but instead, he scuffed one out into midfield, headed forward and Vardy was clean through, goal, final whistle. However, it's not a time to think about what he isn't good at that, it's a time to remember his contribution in the two promotions seasons and the JPT final and of course, the away game at Leeds when for 90 minutes, he was the best goalkeeper on the planet.

Paolo Gazzaniga.  Finally it looks like he's improving into a goalkeeper who may possibly, one day, whisper it softly, be competent enough to be second choice. His performance in the one league game he started this year at Crystal Palace was actually very very good and kept us in the game even though we were completely shit and deserved to lose by many more than the one goal that we did lose by. With Gazza being basically fourth choice this season, I feel we missed a trick in not loaning him out to get a full season of football so we would be in a better position to judge whether he's ever going to be good enough.

Cedric Soares 6 - Has played at just over half of the Premier League games and in most of them has acquitted himself pretty well. It's a bit of a mystery why he's not been in the team the last month or so but I would expect him to better next season. In an ideal world, he would have been the back up to a more experienced right back this season. Good going forward with a decent cross on him. Defensively he could look a bit ropey at times but in the main did a decent job.  Needs to convince the manager that he’s going to improve significantly otherwise it’s one area of the team we need to strengthen.

Cuco Martina 6 - There are two Martina’s, pre-Arsenal wonder goal and post-Arsenal wonder goal.  Before the said goal, he would've been struggling to score more than one as he looked completely hopeless and he couldn’t have been more out of his depth if he was nailed to the bottom of the Channel.  Post-goal and much to my surprise, he has improved and now seems to be confident that he can play at this level and has not been bad at all. His crossing need to work as more often than not there’s not enough pace on the delivery and it just floats over and sometimes he just doesn't seem to react to danger when defending but for a player who was bought in solely to be cover, he's done okay.

Ryan Bertrand 9 - Mr Consistency which is what you want from a fallback. He is probably the best argument ever for leaving a big club where you are struggling to get a game and playing for a decent Premier League side. He's gone from nowhere to having a place in the Euro 2016 England squad and this is thoroughly deserved. He is the best English left back when you look at a combination of defence and attack. He's got it all and if Danny Rose gets picked ahead of him to start for England then it’s a fucking travesty. Also did well as a centre back when we switched to 3 at the back.

Matt Targett 6 - Looked a bit like a fish up a tree when he played at the start of the season when Bertrand was injured. Disappeared for a while but came back when we switched to 3 at the back and we needed a left wing back. Much to my surprise, he did very well in that position (I didn’t think he had the pace to play there) so overall and I think he will be pleased with his contribution this season.

José Fonte 8 – José has had another solid season. Struggled against pace a couple of times this season, particularly in the Leicester away game. Mind you, that was against Vardy who gave everyone nightmares. Even at 32 he is still a hugely influential player for us and I think he's got at least three years left in him at this level. A solid season for the captain and I hope he gets some game time for Portugal in the Euros.

Virgil van Dijk 9.5 - Apparently, some of the big boys didn't sign him because they thought he had flaws in his game. Let's see: he is virtually unbeatable in the air, very quick across the ground, isn't afraid of going in for a tackle, passes a ball 70 yards with either foot and is a big goal threat in the oppositions penalty area. Even better news is that we signed him and he's signed a six year contract with us. Player of the season by a mile and deservedly so.

Maya Yoshida 5 - A poor season to be honest. I'm not saying that because it seems like it's fashionable to have a go at Maya. I'm saying it because he's been worse this season than last, seemingly coughing up a goal per game whenever he's got on the pitch. An indication of how poor he's been is that Bertrand was used as a centre back instead of him when Fonte was suspended. His form this season means that we need better cover in the central defence. It has been a relief that he hasn't had to play too much.

Steven Caulker 2 – Came in before we signed Virgil and after the Alderweireld shambles and on the face of it, it looked a solid loan signing but he quickly showed everyone why he’d been relegated two years running.  Rumour has it that he had the largest turning circle ever seen in Southampton until that massive cruise ship was in town last week.  A decent half against Man City was followed but being ripped apart by Liverpool who then signed him on loan as we were more than happy to tear up our option.  Rumours of off the pitch issues as well and what should have been a great opportunity for him just died and his career will do the same.

Florin Gardos. Injured all season and only made it back to the under 21s about two weeks before the season finished. Next year he needs to prove that he is worth a place in the squad. Last year I thought that there was potential there but he needs to prove it all again and get ahead of your Yoshida in the pecking order.

Victor Wanyama 7 - How do you grade big Vic’s season? When he's at it he is one of the best players in the league but too often this season, especially in the first half of the season, he couldn't be bothered and missed loads of games through suspension due to some particularly brainless red cards. Had his head turned by Underhand Hotspur at the start of the season which directly affected our Europa League campaign (such as it was). With just the one year left on his contract, I assume he'll be gone but you never know, with other players signing long term deals he may just change his mind. It would be a very good thing for us if he did. Come on Big Vic, you know you want to.

Oriol Romeu 7 - One of the very few criticisms I have of the manager this season is that Romeu didn't play as much as he should have. Seemed to get dropped after putting in a really good performance a couple of times but it doesn't seem to affect him too much. Always at 100% and offers a lots more going forward than most people seem to realise. A very good player and soon to be a cult hero.

Jordy Clasie 6.5 - Does a lot of good work in the closing down and harrying and hassling the opposition. When he gets the ball, he invariably uses it well. Occasionally though it seems that half an hour goes by without him touching the ball. Has struggled to adapt to the pace of the English game and needs to get fitter. Hopefully, with next year being his second season, he'll be able to sort this out. Picking up a injury which kept him out for two months when he first arrived didn't help either.

Steve Davis 8 - Three goals in the last two games have a somewhat masked the problem with Davis. He is too good a footballer to leave out of the team but his contribution in terms of goals and assists for the advanced position and that he plays in usually, is a bit of a problem. Still, he scored two goals at White Hart Lane so all forgive him every other shanked effort that ended up in the crowd. I really hope he has a brilliant Euro 2016 tournament with Northern Ireland as he really deserves it. A massively important player for us who links everything together.

James Ward-Prowse 6.5 - Has not been playing as often as he would like in the last half of the season but there are signs that he is improving on some of his weaknesses. Highlight of the season was the way he smashed Martin Skrtel out of the way against Liverpool in the build up to the winning goal. The more physical approach has made him a more effective player and the free kicks and corners are all present and correct. It’s easy to forget how young he is and another who has committed to the club on a six year contract.

Harrison Reed. I think he's played 10 minutes all season which is not enough for a player of his age. He really needs to go out on loan for a season or move on permanently as I can't see this lack of game time changing any time soon.  The signing of Clasie has done for him really as there’s no way that two midgets are going to be picked in midfield.

Dusan Tadic 7 - Didn't starting the season too well and seemed to give the ball away 90% of the time when he had it. Fell out of the team mid-season and almost disappeared for a month or two on his mid-season break. For the past three months of the season he's been brilliant, racking up goals and assists with great regularity. When he is on his game there are few better creative players in the league.  Tadic is our Riyad Mahrez and if he’s been on top form the whole season then who knows where that would have taken us.  However, he was responsible for one of the moments of the season when he had an open goal at Stoke and decided to beat two more players.

Sadio Mané 7 - Another, like Tadic, who had a mid-season break for the second year running.  He has absolutely been on fire at the business end of the season. Unsettled by Manchester United transfer rumours at the start of the season, his form in the middle of the season was so bad that I suggested the only available move to Manchester might be if Salford were looking for players. Now he looks like the player that attracted all the attention in the first place and so yet another summer of rumours is on the cards. With two years left on his contract there is no need to sell but if we do, Raheem Sterling went for £50 million and Mané is a better player.

Jay Rodriguez 6 - After the knee injury came a few games and then the foot injury which ruled Jay out until March. When he returned he understandably looked off the pace but he appears to have bulked up. A full pre-season will help him and next year will tell us whether he's going to reach the level he was at before.  Potentially a great asset to the team.

Charlie Austin 6 - It was a surprise when we signed him in January as he would have been out of contract in the summer but Manchester United goal aside we've basically signed him for next season anyway. £4 million quid to secure the signature was definitely a bargain though and he is showing flashes of his undoubted ability. Again, next season will be the time to judge.  I initially saw him as the long term replacement for Pellè but he’s not really a ‘back to goal’ striker so we’ll have to see.

Shane Long 9 - If you asked any Saints fan to list the strikers in order of preference at the start of the season, then Shane would have been fifth or sixth on most people's list. Ask them now and he'd be first which tells you all you need to know. He's always been a nuisance to defenders but he's taken at up to a whole new level this season. I've never seen a player sprint around the pitch as much as showing does and he absolutely never leaves anything out on the pitch at the end of the game when he often looks like he needs to be carried off.  Has scored and created enough goals to put to bed the criticism that there is not enough and product and in any other season would have won the player of the year award.  Could be one of the stars of Euro 2016 if Ireland can use him correctly and not just launch it up to him from a different post code.

Juanmi 0.5 - Useless little twat. A complete waste of space since the minute we signed him.  Looked good against Vitesse who were League 1 standard at best but the key is that they were a typical European slow-tempo side.  Obviously not suited to English football and is never seemed to make any effort to change that.  An absolute liability when ever he was on the pitch and nearly got me thrown out of The Emirates for swearing at him in front of a steward. Even if he goes back to Spain, does well and gets back into the international side, I won't regret getting rid of him for one second. Even worse than Mayuka and I didn’t think that was possible.

Graziano Pellè 7 - A player that divides opinion and I warn you now, I'm a big fan so if you are in the other camp then I suggest you stop reading now.  Playing up front as a target man with two defenders trying to kick lumps out of it is not easy and he's been excellent at it for Saints. A criticism would be that he is another who needs a mid-season break and he takes one without meaning to but he has immense value to the side. We are less reliant on him now as not all our play goes through him but if he does leave to head back to Italy or anywhere else this summer then he should go with our thanks ringing in his ears.  A player who adapted to the English game because he was willing to adapt and has in the main, been superb.  I really hope he stays and gets another two years added to his contract.  My mum thinks the same as she’s in love.

Premier League Match 38 - Southampton 4 Crystal Palace 1

Right Lads! Are Your Passport's Up to Date?

One week before the FA cup final which they are participating in, we welcome Crystal Palace to St Mary's for the final league game of the season. If we win it then we finish above Liverpool and if we win and West Ham doesn’t match our result away at Stoke, we finish above them as well. West Ham have had an eventful week with the last game at Upton Park and it seemed that the media wanted to make it a full week of celebration but stopped just short of demanding a national holiday for it. Why ‘club moves ground’ was such an incredibly big story is beyond me.  /the story is in the fact they’re being virtually gifted a stadium.  I guess it shows how London centric the sports media is. West Ham fans celebrated the only way they know how by smashing the shit out of a coach which contained the Manchester United players. All the shoppers at the very nice Westfield Centre in Stratford are really going to look forward to match days next season. I am sure though that the happy taxpayer will foot the bill for any damage and not West Ham because they don't pay for anything.

Anyway a lot of focus this week has been on which players Palace would rest for the game against us. Alan Pardew has been making the right noises of course but we all know that getting through the game without losing any players is going to be his prime concern.

This week, Saints have had to deal with media shite. As expected, Roberto Martinez lost his job at Everton and an article appeared in the Liverpool Echo with the headline of that Koeman was interested in the Everton job. The rest of the article had nothing to do with Koeman and was all about Frank DeBoer, who has a brother called Ronald so that might explain it. Anyway, this tenuous reporting meant that every single sports media outlet covered the Koeman to Everton story for the next couple of days and Ronald himself was forced to just laugh at the question when it was posed as a question one in his weekly press conference.   After the Virgil deal, further great news was forthcoming in that Fraser Forster has signed a contract to take him up to 2021 and James Ward- Prowse has signed one until 2022. More senior players signing on the dotted line can only be a good thing and demonstrates the clubs determination to hang on to its better players. Come on Big Vic, you know you want to..

Saints had Jordy Clasie missing, so Oriol Romeu took his place in an otherwise unchanged side.  Harrison Reed made it onto the bench and J-Rod failed to make the cut, with Austin preferred.

We start pretty tamely with Palace having the first chance.  Adebayor teed up Gayle who hit it first time but straight at the wall who reacted well.  Following that we do start confidently popping it about.  Palace are defending deep and we’re passing it around the edge of the area until Big Vic gets bored and tries to curl one into the top corner from 25 yards with his left foot, like he’s got Messi’s left foot on the end of his left leg… but it’s high, wide and shit.  The next decent effort is on 20 minutes when Virgil pings a crossfield ball to Mané and via Martina and Romeu, the ball ends up with Tadic on the right who turns Souare inside out before whipping in a left footed effort which eludes everyone and flashes about a foot wide of the far post.  Tadic is playing well again and he slides Mané through and he gets to it first but pokes the chance wide as Speroni comes out.  Another chance goes begging as Bertrand lines up the ex-Skate Ward and beats him with ease and curls over a superb cross which Long meets and he should do better than see it slide off his head and wide.  We do eventually make Speroni do something as good play from Davis tees up Romeu but his daisy cutter from 20 yards is never gong to beat any keeper.

The Skate is having a tough time with Tadic and wrestles him down about 30 yards out and Virgil fancies it.  It’s a decent effort which beats the wall and flicks the top of the net as it goes over.

Despite these chances, it’s not been a particularly good first half and we haven’t played particularly well but just as I was settling for 0-0 at half time, we get a break out of nowhere as Tadic gets a yard on the Skate and hoists in a cross and Delaney heads it straight up in the air.  It’s coming down on the penalty spot so the last thing the keeper should be doing is trying to get over a pile of bodies to punch it but that’s what Speroni does, crashing into Delaney and managing to slap the ball about 5 yards to Mané who simply lifts it over the ruck of players and into the empty net.  Speroni is their Kelvin Davis – great servant and been there years but really not good enough any more.

Fitting in nicely with our display so far, we can’t get to half time without a scare and Puncheon is heavily involved as a chance is fashioned once more for Gayle who again tries to smash it through the wall and that isn’t happening.

Half time and time to check up on the other scores that are relevant to us.  As it stands with us winning, Liverpool are irrelevant and so it’s all about West Ham and they’re winning 1-0 at Stoke.  Balls.  Ronald has clearly enjoyed the first half about the same amount as me and Graziano is on at the start of the second half to replace the unlucky Romeu in a tactical switch.  We certainly need to be holding the ball up better up front as Shane is not having a great game in that regard today.  Palace have brought on the wonderfully named Sunny KaiKai who my Palace supporting mate at work assures me is decent.  He’s replaced Jordon Mutch who is anything but.

Virgil heads over from a very good Davis free kick delivery before Palace are causing trouble again, building down the left before Gayle’s cross is met by Kaikai who hits it into the ground but it’s heading in until Fraser takes off and turns it wide.

With us basically having sacrificed a midfielder, it’s very open now and Palace look at least as likely to score as we do.  Having obviously heard me slagging him off at half time for not being able to cross a ball, Davis slides a ball inside Souare and Martina finds himself in the corner with a bit of time and floats in a great cross for Pellè to attack and the big man does, thumping a header back across and over Speroni to make it 2-0.  It was only on the TV replay afterwards that you could see that he’s given Mariappa an almighty shove in the back before he headed it so it really should have been disallowed but we’ll take it, thanks very much.  There’s a nice touch and Graziano goes and fetches Superkelv out of the crowd the celebrate the goal.

Rather than piss and moan about it, Palace go straight up our end and win a corner.  The delivery is good and Fraser gets a punch on it but it doesn’t clear the box and goes to Puncheon who turns inside a half arsed Long challenge before smashing it left footed like a rocket into the far top corner.  That’s Townsend, Iheanacho and Punch who have all smashed a ball into that top corner in the last three home games.

Tadic if off to take pity on the Skate and JWP is on and you sense the game is put to bed a few minutes later as Pellè puts Mané away, running at Mariappa.  Souare gets back to help and Sadio attempts to go in between them and goes over, bumped to the ground by Mariappa.  The ref consults the lino who says it was inside, or more likely says he didn’t have a clue and the ref gives the penalty.  JWP has the ball and everyone assumes he’s going to take it but Pellè’s having a word and then José has a word and the ball is given to Ryan Bertrand who off a short run, top left, 3-1, get in.

Palace have had enough now and are in FA Cup Final preservation mode.  Pardew takes off the two players who’ve been booked (McArthur and Skate Ward who has probably played himself out of the Final team) and the others are not really busting a gut to get back when we break forward.

Good play again by Davis and Martina tees up Mané on the edge of the box and he curls inches wide before a minute later, pinching the ball off the lumbering Jedinak and showing extreme greed by lashing over the bar when the ball should have gone to the big beautiful moaning Italian bloke.

With five minutes to go, Martina again proves me wrong and knocks in a cross which Pellè expertly chests down and even Davo can’t miss as he smashes it past the unprotected Speroni from about 8 yards out.  Before the players are back to the middle to kick off, there are whispers going round.  I can hear ‘Stoke’, ‘West Ham’, ‘goal’ etc and then finally, ‘Stoke are winning 2-1’.  Brilliant.  European Tour?  You’d think in these days of smartphones it would be easy to keep up with the scores but the St Mary’s phone reception on a match day is shite.

Long (who has not had his best game) is off and Austin is on for a cameo and we have a few more opportunities to score before the end but the move usually ends with a butchered final ball and it peters out with neither team really trying that hard and 4-1 it finishes.  Not a great performance but good enough.

When you win 4-1, it's never anything but a good day but a good day got even better with the news that Stoke, a team who have been on the beach for the past two months, found it within themselves to overturn a 1-0 halftime deficit and beat West Ham 2-1. This is the same West Ham who the media have been cracking one off over since the season began. We've finished above them.

There was also disturbing news of a controlled explosion being carried out at Old Trafford meaning that the other relevant game between United and Bournemouth was called off.   It really didn't sound very good. I was hoping it was Artur Boruc having a party with some vodka and cigarette lighter but clearly not.  That was a joke (just about) but not as big a joke as the real reason. Turns out there was a security test during the week and someone left a fake bomb behind.  Absolute farce as surely all it would have taken is one phone call for someone to confirm that a security test took place and before long it could have been all sorted.  Absolute joke from United who with their habit of turning up late to away games, have really been taking the piss recently.  They should be punished but of course they won’t be.  Anyway, as it stands we're above them.

Today's win made Liverpool irrelevant and they could only draw anyway so suck on that..... You know who you are. Let me say it again, Liverpool are irrelevant.

The great news is that now we are confirmed in the Europa league, we don't have to give too much of a shit about the finals of the FA Cup and the Europa league. If Palace beat United in the group stages, then the worst case scenario is that we have to do the Europa Qualifiers again. It would be fantastic if Bournemouth beat United in the week which would put us straight in the Group Stages, so we don't have to support United in the FA Cup Final, feel dirty and have to have a bath afterwards. Indisputably, we can hope Sevilla smash Liverpool in the Europa League Final because as we discussed earlier, Liverpool are irrelevant.  A Bournemouth win, a Palace win and a Sevilla win would mean that both West Ham and Liverpool will miss out on Europe altogether which would be something else to celebrate.

In truth, we were bloody dreadful in the first half today and Palace were probably the better side despite having the cup final next week. It was only really once we got to the last 20 minutes and the penalty went in that Palace decided that they’d had enough for the day with Pardew sensibly substituting Macarthur and Ward who had both been booked.  Pardew had a bit of a moan about the penalty being outside the box (unclear) and Pelle's header being a blatant push (Pardew 100% correct) but thought we deserved to win.

I would have thought that there was no way at all that we would have bettered last seasons finishing position and points total as we were pretty average up until Christmas but since then, you have to say we have been outstanding and deserve to be where we are. With the three players signing long term deals, there is obviously an ambition to keep pushing on and this is obviously essential for Ronald Koeman and personally and the chances of him signing a new contract himself. Both Ronald and Jose front made it clear in the post match interview is that investment is needed in the squad with us being in the Europa league group stages and we of course need to give it a better go then we gave it this year. I'd say that the signs are pretty good and they have to be as sure as shit, every other Premier League club will be throwing money around. We need to throw money around too but as usual, we need to be smarter than them and given the recent recruitment records at the big clubs, that really shouldn't be too difficult.

It's fucking great being a Saints fan at the moment. All we need to make this an absolutely hundred percent perfect day is for the Skates to lose the play-off semi-final in the last minute.... Oh look.... that happened as well.

The lap of appreciation was a relatively sedate affair. Qualifying for Europe is not in the same league as getting promoted so it doesn't require a full pitch invasion. It has been a brilliant season overall and the players deserve every bit of adulation that comes their way.

Next up is Super Kelvin Davis testimonial on Tuesday night which should now be even more of a celebratory affair. I can't imagine any of our Euros bound players will be playing but it should be a brilliant day anyway. The United Bournemouth game is now being played on the same night so we will find out if we've finished fifth or as expected six. All we need now to make the week even better is an announcement that Ronald, Graziano, Vic and Sadio have signed new contracts. Make it happen Les... it's not too much to ask.

Premier League Match 37 - Tottenham 1 Southampton 2

Ronald Pisses Himself as Pochettino Tells Him His Plan B

Spurs. No one likes Spurs do they? The list of reasons why is absolutely huge so I'm not going to do all of it, I'll just do the bits that apply to me personally. Currently, the two main ones are Alderweireld and Pochettino. In fact, it's mainly Pochettino. He strung us along after Cortese had left, making everyone think that he'd honour his contract and probably sign the new one that was on the table. Of course he didn't sign the new contract and fucked off to Spurs but not before a concerted attempt to destabilise the club that was paying him and wanting him to stay, advising all the players to leave and find other clubs (allegedly). The only reason for this is probably his love of Cortese and willingness to do the hatchet job that was required when Cortese had been kicked out. So, an undisputedly talented manager but also a complete wanker.

This is why it's stuck in my throat a bit to see Les Reed giving an interview to the London Evening Standard where he basically blew smoke up Pochettino’s arse.  He was probably trying to point out how clever Saints were to have scouted him as a relative unknown in the first place but the interview read like he was just cracking one off over the ex-manager when we have a current manager who needs a new contract sorting out and who at the end of the day has done a lot better.  Talking of contracts, Pochettino has a new 5 years one ‘on the table’ at Spurs, which he’s verbally agreed to sign but hasn’t actually signed yet.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

The perception seems to be that Spurs will be even better next year and they might be but this year, they don't seem to have had many injuries and their backup players (the like of Wimmer, Mason and N’Jie) don't look that great to me.   He has some decent reserve full backs in Davies and Trippier but in true Pochettino fashion, there’s only a Plan A so the others barely get to play.  We will be seeing some of those squad players today with Alli and Dembele suspended. We should be seeing a few more as both Dier and Lamela should have been sent off in their ‘fucking up the league’ match at Stamford Bridge last Monday but that's Twattenburg for you.

Saints had had a very quiet week until Saturday when out of nothing came the news that Virgil van Dijk had signed a six year contract. This is two years younger than his current deal but I assume he's doubled his money as a result. Whatever way you look at it, it's incredibly good news and with six years left on his contract, in all likelihood, even if you were incredibly cynical, he is here for the next four years. It's a big ‘hands off’ to any vultures who may be circling and you never know, a player as good as him committing may just see other players, not to mention the manager commit as well.  Maybe I'm being too hopeful but I can't imagine he would have signed for six more years if the current manager was only going to be here for another one.

On Saturday we had some more good news.  Last week, Swansea had beaten Liverpool and on Saturday they travelled to West Ham and stuffed them 4-1, meaning that West Ham are very much in reach if we could win today.  Also, Sunderland beat Chelsea which meant Chelsea could no longer finish above us and it guaranteed us a minimum of eighth place which means three consecutive years of top eight finishes. Not bad at all.

We named the same starting XI that stuffed Manchester City last week with Graziano returning to the bench after I assume, putting a bit of effort been in training during the week. Spurs replaced the suspended pair of Dembele and Alli with England international Ryan Mason and £22 million signing Son Hueng Min, so not exactly the weak line up that any Spurs fan you spoke to, said they were going to put out this week.  By the way, I'm using the term ‘England International’ to describe Ryan Mason because that's what he is due to Roy Hodgson who picks anyone who is English in a Spurs shirt, no matter how bang average they are.

The start of the game is horrible as Spurs are all over us and we’re barely hanging in there.  Martina is looking particularly shaky at right back and Alderweireld pings a great diagonal ball from right to left and Rose chests it past Martina who has sold himself like a cheap whore.  Rose fires it across and it’s met by Eriksen on the stretch and Fraser gets down well to claw away the point blank effort.

From our first attack we really should take the lead as Mané carries it forward, gets it back off Bertrand before sending Tadic in behind the non-defending Walker at full back.  If he gets his head up then Davo has a tap in, unmarked in the middle of the goal but he brainlessly fizzes it across and wide of the far post whilst we all shout ‘oooh’ or ‘fuck’ or some other expletive.

That's nothing compared to later though as Spurs play it out from the back and it ends up with Lamela in midfield and his pass is for Kane who is clearly offside but he cleverly leaves it and Son races after it from an onside position.  There is hesitation from Fraser as he comes out and Son is in and he walks it round the keeper and round two desperate sliding tackles from Virgil and José and walks it into the net.  Bollocks.

Chalk that one up to the offside rule.  The pass was aimed at Kane and he was offside and he did take a step towards it before stopping and Son ran through.  As a defender though, you instinctively think ‘offside’ for a second and that’s all it takes to concede a goal.  You’re in the lap of the gods as to whether a ref blows or a linesman flags and we didn’t get lucky. 1-0 down, shit and ‘oh when the Spurs’ is ringing out from the fucking retards who don’t know the words.

Saints react to the setback well and are soon putting Spurs under pressure in their own box.  Rose initially looks to have sorted it out but he dicks around and Mané gets a foot in and there’s a big scramble with Vertonghen falling on Mané’s leg and bringing him down.  To be brutally honest, we’d have stood more chance of getting it without the swandive.

I’m quite encouraged that Spurs seem over anxious in attack.  We have settled defensively and are closing them down well and Kane seems to be wanting to get his shots away very quickly and drags one well wide from 25 yards.  Straight after that, Bertrand wins an aerial challenge with Walker and he’s left on the ground.  Spurs fans seem to want us to put the ball out but fuck that.  We attack down the other side and Martina lofts a great ball over Rose and Tadic latches onto it, a great first touch and a first time right footed cross and Davo arrives to poke it goalwards and under the dive of Lloris who gets something on it which makes it sweeter as it trickles into the net.  Spurs fans in the ground are having a right old bleat about the injured player but he’s fine to carry on a few minutes later and his absence had absolutely no bearing on the goal.

The rest of the first half is comfortable for us and then we press the big red button marked ‘entirely preventable fucking calamity’.  Another Rose ball forward catches Martina out and Fonte arrives in plenty of time to see off the threat of Kane.  Every Saints fan in the world was thinking, ‘48 minutes gone in the first half, Row Z’ but the captain tried to let it run out and Kane bundled past him and bore down on goal.  I think Kane’s a great player but I’m delighted that he’s greedy and he tries to smash a ball through Fraser, which is never going to happen and we eventually scramble it away for a corner.  Half time.

I think we’re good for a point as long as we cut out the big fuck ups.  Martina needs to be a bit more solid but other than that we look pretty sound.  Kane hasn’t done much for them and of their other attacking players, Eriksen has been peripheral and Son has done nothing since his goal… and then there’s Lamela.  He’s a prick, always throwing himself about and appealing to the referee and he seems to have a very over inflated opinion of how good he is, strutting around like he’s Maradona instead of accepting what he actually is, a player who cost £30 million, about three times what his actually contribution is worth.  No wonder Dani Osvaldo twatted him one in Italy.  Ah Dani – funny how Pochettino didn’t want to take him to Spurs after saddling us with the bell end pirate rock n’ roll twat.

We start the second half well, sitting deep and attempting to hit Spurs on the break and Mané streaks away but his attempted crossfield chip to Tadic is headed away by Alderwanker but Bertrand receives it and feeds Tadic who is in the big space where Walker should be.  The Serb bends in a perfect cross and Long gets up between Vertonghen and Rose and it looks for all the world like a goal but it slides off his head and wide.  Fuck – glorious chance missed.

Clasie, who has done much harrying of the opposition but not much with the ball is off to be replaced with Romeu and we have a scare as Vertonghen meets a Lamela corner and heads goalwards, only for Virgil to head it over his own bar.  More subs as Pellè comes on for Mané who has had the shit kicked out of him all game and N’Jie comes on for Son who I forgot was playing. Ronald has changed it to a 4-4-2 with the Big Beautiful Italian going up front with Shane whereas Plan A Pochettino has gone for a straight swap.

There are 20 minutes to go and Romeu is getting stuck right in and decides to run like a bastard to chase down a lost cause and hurry Vertonghen up and he plays it to Lloris who slices it out of play for a throw to us.  In it comes to Pellè who holds it up well and it ends up with Davis on the left and he cuts in, plays a 1-2 with Tadic and from the edge of the area, digs out a shot which goes through a sea of legs and past Lloris’ dive and nestles in the corner.  Bedlam and 2-1 to us.

Spurs have another weapon up their sleeve and that’s playing with 12 as John Moss dons a white shirt and starts giving everything to them.  Mind you, I can’t argue with the booking Romeu picks up for trashing Eriksen when he was about to break away on our left.  Lamela has a run through the middle and collapses like the sack of shit that he is - ok, it was probably a foul.  It looks the ideal range for Eriksen but I’m guessing that Lamela decided he was taking it as he’d been fouled and he shat it over the wall and comfortably over the bar.

Moss decides that Danny Rose twatting Romeu with his elbow is fine but the Saints man is away and feeds Long who beats Alderwanker who gets lucky as it bounces off of Shane and runs through to the keeper.  Chadli is on for Mason as a last throw of the dice for Plan A Pochettino and a bit of Spurs pressure results in two goal kicks given instead of two corners by a lino who is clearly balancing up the referee.  It’s funny to see them not happy.

As we approach the 90, the board goes up and it's 5 minutes with a couple of those being for the drinks break we had so Pochettino could try and come up with a Plan B.  JWP comes on for Tadic as we try and see it out and we look like the more likely to score as Pellè is winning everything and one flick on finds Long who lashes it over the bar as it drops.  The tireless Long is at it again next as he breaks and this time squares it to JWP who smashes it high, wide and into the crowd.

There is time for one more attempt by Moss to even it up as Fonte breathes on Kane who collapses for a free kick about 40 yards out on the left in the 95^th minute.  In it comes from Eriksen and it bounces down for Chadli who is 6 yards out with the goal at his mercy but he’s reckoned without the fucking massive goalkeeper who builds the wall and deflects it away.  We don’t clear the resulting corner decisively and it ends up with Kane on his left foot and from the edge of the box he has a wild ridiculous swing and well wide.  Goal kick, bang… final whistle.

You never quite know what your first words are going to be at the final whistle but today, mine were ‘fucking have it you cunts’.  Absolutely fucking brilliant and a deserved win against that bunch of twats who we have been trying and failing to beat for the last four seasons. The only way it could have been sweeter is if Spurs still had a chance of winning the league before today.  As it is, what we've done is given Arsenal chance to finish above them which would stick in the throat of every Spurs supporter as that's where they always finish. Explain that one away in your interview, Mauricio.  It's a shame no journalist will have the balls to ask him what it's like to lose to the club that you tried to fuck over, who are doing quite well without you.   It's nice to have a manager with more than just a Plan A but I’m sure Pochettino is pondering how he got ‘out managed’ on his lap of appreciation.

Ronald got it spot on today, starting with Clasie to hassle everybody and then bringing on Romeu when we needed to mix it a bit more in the second half to stop Spurs getting back into it.  I never really felt like they were going to score in the second half until the last seconds which I was convinced was going to be a goal.  As the players tired in the heat, it was also a good call to bring Graziano on, not least because the substituted Mané was getting the shit kicked out of him with no protection from the referee John Moss who really should fuck off back to being the drummer in Culture Club.

Today it was the combination of Tadic and Davis that was dominant throughout, not only on the two goals but also the great chance in the first half when Tadic should have squared it for Davo to tap in. It's amusing that Davo scored twice when his finishing is usually shocking and even today, he's managed to score from two scuffers.  He won't care and no do we.  Once again, Shane was a complete fucking nightmare for Alderweireld and Vertonghen, neither of whom really fancied running back towards their own goal into the space behind them.  At the back, Cuco Martina still takes years off my life every time he plays but the other three were all superb aside from that horrible moment when Fonte tried to shield the ball out of play with Harry Kane right up his arse. The six-year contract man was just a massive presence all game and Big Vic, Clasie and Romeu totally plugged any gaps are in front of the centre backs.  Finally, there was the big man in goal. Sure, he fucked up on the Spurs goal but the save from Chadli in the last minute certainly made up for it.

This win, coupled with West Ham's defeat has moved us up to 6th in the league.  We are three points behind Manchester United, a point ahead of West Ham and two points ahead of Liverpool but all these teams have a game in hand.  However, West Ham and United are playing each other during the week so there's going to be points dropped somewhere and Liverpool are going to have one eye on the Europa league final which if they win of course, qualifies them for next season's Champions League so all their eggs are going to be firmly in that basket. If we finish where we are now however, then we will be in the Europa League again next year but we have to beat a Crystal Palace side next week, who have already beaten us twice this season. Hopefully, the fact that they have an FA Cup Final at a week later will mean that they won't give a shit.

Anyway, that’s next week.  For now I’m going to enjoy being a smug bastard at work and I intend to be a bit of a bell end.  Brighton, where I work, tends to have a lot of London club fans living there and there are a few I need to have a word with tomorrow.

Premier League Match 36 - Southampton 4 Manchester City 2

The Best 3 Strikers Manchester City will face This Week (Top)

Manchester City had rather a big game in midweek which was a Champions League Semi-Final against Real Madrid which was on the whole, very very boring which is somewhat remarkable given the cost of the attacking talents on display.  Cristiano Roanldo was missing for Real but Aguero, de Bruyne, Bale and Benzema couldn’t come up with a goal between them and nor could Wilfried Bony.  I’m reluctant to take the piss out of any City fringe players because the 2^nd leg is in three days time so they’ll no doubt be Fringe City today.  Have no fear though as whatever side they put out will have cost millions.

It appears that Yaya is injured, probably sulking about something so we won’t have to worry about him.  If they rest Aguero, de Bruyne, Silva and Kompany then I’m happy.  They’ve had a pretty average season to be honest, brilliant in patches but not great in others.  Overshadowing it all was the announcement that Pep Guardiola is to be their manager next season so it’d be pretty amusing is Pellegrini does manage to win the Champions League next season.  Guardiola is a great manager but he’s managed Barcelona in the Spanish League and Bayern in the German League which in both cases is a bit like turning up for an arse kicking contest and being the only contestant with two legs.  He’ll of course have more resources than anyone next season and City have the best squad in the league anyway but he’s never managed in a league where a Leicester City can win it.  Watch City win it by 30 points next year.

This year though, some ‘big’ players that they signed haven’t really done it – that’s you Raheem and in the frequent absence of Kompany at the back, they’ve relied on Otamendi (not bad), Mangala (shite) and di Michelis (past it).  They did beat us pretty easily up at Eastlands, in a game that was remarkable for Stephen Caulker having a decent 45 minutes.   I expect that Pellegrini will pick some kids against us so expect Iheanacho to feature.  He’s looked like the real deal whenever he’s played.

Manager Pellegrini has been kicking off about the kick off times because Real Madrid have had an extra day off before the second leg.  I’m not really into the politics of TV times but this game I’m about to watch started off as Saturday at 3, went to Sunday at 4.15, then got put on hold for the Champions League Draw, then got moved to 4.30 on the Sunday.  It’s a complete farce.  Mind you, if you are still in any doubt who the game is being run for – the fans or the money men, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention.  Do I have any sympathy for Pellegrini, who wanted this game played on the Saturday?  Nope.

It’s been a quiet week off the pitch as far as the Saints squad is concerned with no real news that didn’t originate from 40 years ago.  1976 and our day in the sun at Wembley – McCalliog, to Stokes, who’s onside, one nil.  I like it that the club put this on and took time to mark the anniversary of the FA Cup win.  It was nice to see the bus with the boys on board and bring back vague memories from when I was a 7 year old who didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about.  I’ll admit to having a tear in my eye when the names were being read out on the pitch before the game.  It also made me think about the times when we lost the final in 2003 and also, some of the times when we’ve blown it in an earlier round when the players could have been heroes, like Channon, Osgood, Stokes etc and the manager could have been revered like Lawrie Mac.  More on Pochettino later.

Back to today and Ronald has changed it up again with Martina coming back in for Cédric, Mané for J-Rod and Clasie for Romeu.  There is no Graziano on the pitch or the bench which is apparently due to him not putting it in, in training this week.  No slacking off with Ronald chasing the Europa League places it seems.  All the focus was of course on the City line up and how ‘weak’ it would be.  Hart, Zabaleta, Kolorov, Mangala, Otamendi…. Well that’s a first choice isn’t it aside from Kompany missing.  Midfield of Delph, Nasri, Sterling and Fernandinho.  OK, well Delph cost millions, Sterling and Fernandinho are first choice and Nasri probably would be if he wasn’t just back from injury.  Up front is Iheanacho and Bony… ok, that’s not great, especially Bony and Mr Aguero can stay on the bench, thanks very much.  With Yaya and Silva having knocks, the only other one they’ve left out is de Bruyne but he’s rubbish... not really, he’s a superb player so I’m pleased he’s missing.

We tear into them from the start with Virgil striding ouf of defence with the ball and eventually feeding Tadic who combines with Bertrand to rip Zabaleta a new arsehole in the first few second before seeing his cross cleared.  The move eventually ends with Clasie putting Long away and he tries a first time shot on the run and hits the side netting.  It’s fair to say that we look up for it.

You know that City are going to have their moments whatever they’ve got out on the pitch and they have one when Virgil initially does well to win the ball off of Iheanacho but then gets burgled and the young Nigerian makes his way intot he box before feeding Sterling and the £50 million man has a free shot on his good foot from 8 yards.  He of course should not be missing but he tamely hits it goalwards and Fraser makes a good reaction stop.  Everyone is saying ‘great save’ but it really was quite easy once the man who runs like a penguin tickled it at the goal.

Sterling can’t have been very happy a few minutes later as Martina was allowed to chip a ball over Kolarov on the right and Tadic reacted quickest to chase it and hook it back into the middle first time.  Otamendi is in front of Long but there’s only one player who wants it the most and Long sticks out a foot and pokes it past Hart for 1-0.  Brilliant from tadic and great desire shown by the goalscorer and none of those qualities shown by the City defenders.

Within three minutes it’s 2-0 as Sterling crosses from the City left and it’s headed clear by Virgil.  It falls to Big Vic who clips a ball which really should have been intercepted by Kolarov but like Janmaat for Newcastle a few weeks ago, he does nothing and lets it go by to Tadic out on the right.  One sliderule pass behind Mangala later and the sprinting Mané arrives in front of the jogging Kolarov to fire first time past Hart.  Get the fuck in.  Is Aguero warming up yet?

We are playing some great football and a bout of that sees Davo teed up on the edge of the box but his shot is hilarious as from dead centre about 18 yards out, it’s nearer the corner flag than the goal.  Truly woeful.

We are the better side and we look to have more urgency and like the Villa game last week, we need to get to half time at 2-0 and like the Villa games last week, we fuck it up as City have a bit of possession and it eventually finds its way out to little shit Nasri on the right and his low cross flicks off of Fonte and hits Martina who can only spoon it up in the air and Iheanacho has a free header from 6 yards which he is never going to miss.  He doesn’t and it’s 2-1.  Shit.

Half time and out of the tunnel stride Matt le Tiss and Sir Rickie to talk about Superkelv’s testimonial and the fact that the two of them will be having a penalty shoot out at half time.  Kelvin is going in goal for it so this could really go on all night and someone might have to put an extra coin in the meter for the floodlights.  I feel very privileged to have watched the entire Saints careers of these two and never felt like either was going to miss from the penalty spot.  I remember ‘the miss’ from Matt.  Utter disbelief as it was saved and he smashed the rebound into the Archers Road End at The Dell.  The only other player who came close to being in the same company as far as penalties was James Beattie and with a few more seasons he could have really been up there.  Then of course there was David McGoldrick… he was shocking and the ball barely reached.

The second half starts with some City pressure and it looks for all the world like we’re going to conceded again.  Iheanacho gets a shot away after a 1-2 with Bony but it’s barely got any power in it.  The kid is by far and away City’s main threat.  What the fiuck has happened to Wilfried Bony.  Far from being the next Didier Drogba, he’s looked like the new Michael Ricketts.  £30 million they paid for that.

We eventually relieve the pressure and build up on the left, winning a corner.  Davo’s corners so far have been uniformly shite but he gets this one right and Virgil muscles Mangala out of the way and flicks a header goalwards which Hart tips onto the bar.  It bounces down and fonte misses it before Mané reacts and slams it into the net from practically one yard out.  Against the run of play but who gives a shit… 3-1.

It’s reached Clasie o’clock so he’s off to be replaced by Oriol Romeu and the new man makes an immediate impression, charging forward and putting ain a good cross towards Mané which is headed behind.  Davo delivers again and it gets headed up in the air but Virgil adjusts and flicks in an overhead kick which Hart tips over the bar.  It’s remarkable how dangerous we can be from corner when it clears the first man, doesn’t go to the keeper and doesn’t loop miles into the air.

A Joe Hart bomb forward is bouncing around and Iheanacho picks it up, gets closed down by Davo and then binned by Virgil as the ball runs away from him.  Away we go again and Tadic picks it up and slides another wonderfully weighted pass behind Kolarov and Mané arrives again and slides it past the sprawling Hart and just inside the post for 4-1.  This is mental.  We are completely steamrollering them.

JWP is on for Davis and the game remains pretty much unchanged and then we doze off from a throw in and allow Iheanacho to make his way infield from out left and curl a shot past Fraser and into the far corner, in similar fashion to the way we allowed Andros Townshend to do the same for Newcastle a couple of weeks back.  With just a few minutes to go, J-Rod comes on for Tadic and looks every inch, a player who hasn’t played for 2 years.  He’ll get there.

Get in. Marvellous performance, especially from the strikers.  Long, Mané and Tadic are going to be in the nightmares of the City back 4 when they sleep.  It’ll be interesting to see if Ronaldo, Bale and Benzema cause them as much trouble as our three.  I’ll start with Tadic who was brilliant.  I’ve dug him out plenty of times for being all fart and no shit but today he delivered and was unplayable.  Strength on the ball and vision and today, his touch was wonderful and the weight of pass was spot on.  Three assists in one game is great stuff and even gets you in Garth Crooks’ Team of the Week... oh no it doesn’t because Garth is a fuckwit.  Of course to get all those assists, you need others to hit the target and Mané and Long did that, aided it has to be said, by some slack defending.  It’s not as if City couldn’t deal with the two of them, it was almost like they didn’t want to.  The City back 4 weren’t helped in the slightest by the midfield… did you ever see Nasri or Sterling helping out in the wide areas?  Having said that, the defenders just couldn’t be arsed to defend.  Long had one of those games where it appeared that he covered about 10 miles further than anyone else.

Elsewhere, Big Vic was awesome again and everyone else put in a shift.  Of course, it increases the likelihood that we’ll lose Big Vic and Mané in the summer but all we can do for now is enjoy today.  Ronald called the first half the best we’ve played in his two years here – so if you can’t enjoy today for what it is, a complete dicking of one of the big boys, then there’s no hope for you.

Our quest for more Days in Europa as helped by Klopp putting out a 2^nd string side at Swansea and Liverpool getting beaten 3-1 by a Swans side playing in beach towels and flip flops.  Jack Cork scored a really good goal which tells you how surreal the day was.  Man United had Leicester at home and they too dropped points and van Gaal won the ‘Post Match Comment of the Year’ award when referring to ‘Sex Masochism’ when talking about Huth pulling Fellaini’s hair.  The man clearly doesn’t give a fuck.

So, Leicester got a draw which meant that our friends Spurs had to beat Chelsea away in order to keep their dream alive.  2-0 and they fucked it up as Chelsea roared back and got a draw thanks to one of the best goals you’ll ever see from Eden Hazard.  Spurs lost the plot and had 9 booked and our mate Twattenburg has been universally praised for keeping 11 on the pitch which is not his job.  His job is to give the right decision and failing to send of Eric Dier for two horrific lunge tackles and Dembele for gouging Costa’s eye, is poor refereeing.  It would be funny however if the FA review the Dembele gouge and let him off because it was against Diego the Bastard.  If they’re doing their job properly however, the FA disciplinary committee will see us playing against Spurs reserves next Saturday.  Pochettino should also have been red carded for running on the pitch and laying hands on a Chelsea player.  It’s nice that he lost the plot and probably incited his players to do the same.  Don’t get me wrong – I think Toby Alderweireld is a wonderful footballer but I had to smile when he made a mistake when he got rolled by Costa in the build up for Hazard’s goal.

All this means that Leicester have won the League.  A team with no big money players, who play 4-4-2, who work hard as a team, with a likeable manager – have won the league.  It’s brilliant that in the age of Sky with all their focus on big money and individuals, it’s a reminder that it’s a team game after all.  Fantastic achievement by Leicester which is better than any Man United treble or any Chelsea or Man City petro-cash title.  This is Leicester City who like us, have been in the shit and down to League 1 and back, nearly getting relegated last year and this year, having the perfect season.  They haven’t imploded like everyone said they would and have only lost three games all season.  They give us all hope and I hope that they can keep their players and give the Champions League a right good go next year.

Next for us is a trip to White Hart Lane where we will be attempting to keep the Europa League charge on track and also to help Spurs finish in their natural place below Arsenal.

Premier League Match 35 - Aston Villa 2 Southampton 4

Dusan Congratulates Champions League Bacuna on his Assist.

Aston Villa are shit.

There really is no dancing around this subject.  They have had the season from hell and this has been coming for about the last 5 years.  It must be bloody awful to be a Villa fan right now.  Ever since Martin O’Neill left in 2010, their roll call of managers reads like a horror story.  What could possibly go wrong with Gerard Houllier, Alex McLeish, Paul Lambert, Tim Sherwood and Remi Garde.  That’s an absolutely horrible list whatever way you look at it.  Villa have been an imploding club for a while but always had a couple of players that raised them above the level of the clubs that ended up getting relegated.  Last year they had Benteke and Delph who just about dragged the team safe and somehow got them to an FA Cup Final.  Having flogged off both of those in the summer and replaced them with Gestede from the Championship and a whole load of disinterested mercenary shit in midfield, they’ve died on their arse since about match 2 of the current season.  Tim Sherwood was in charge then and was a massive bell end but at least he looked like he cared.  His replacement Remi Garde clearly had zero fucks to give about anything.

 

The players have been a disgrace too though with Joleon Lescott being complete shit and then responding to twitter abuse for one shit performance by tweeting a picture of his flash car as if to say, “I drive this so I must be great”.  No you’re not Joleon, you were passable about 8 years ago but now you’re shite.  One player they signed this year was the once good Micah Richards who was a right back and a very good one but wanted to be a centre back and now he is – a shit centre back.  He’s too small to be a centre back and it’s obvious.  Then there’s Agbonlahor.  He’d put on so much weight even his head looked fat and he couldn’t run which was 90% of what he could do when he was fit.  He’s been pictured in the papers, out on the piss and toking on shisha pipes and basically looking like a fat, pissed up stereotypical Club 18-30 Englishman abroad.  You’re supposed to be an athlete you fucking idiot.  Banned twice by his club, once for the shisha incident and once for being a fat twat.  Then there’s Jack Grealish who has hardly played this year.  Hyped to the heavens last year for reasons unknown, pissed up and passed out on the pavements in Ibiza or somewhere and declared he wanted to play for England rather that Ireland.  That’s a bit like me declaring that I want to play for England instead of France (my great great (times seven) grandfather was French).  I’m 47 and 16 stone but if both countries come knocking, it’s England for me or no one.  Another player (Okore) is refusing to play, another (Traore) has slagged the club off in public and funniest of all, Leandro Bacuna has played shite all year and has said he wants to play Champions League football next season.  Better check out if Andorra have got a club in it you twat.

We laugh at them but only because they don’t play for us but as Saints fans, we’ve been there in the not too distant past.  These players are a complete disgrace and they’re not alone as the management of Villa from top to bottom has been a complete shambles for a number of years.  It's almost as if they've been trying to get relegated for a while and have finally succeeded.  I can empathise with the Villa fans though.  The players clearly don’t give a shit about playing for a huge club with a proud tradition and I just hope that these joke players end up with a massive wage cut and no route back to the Premier league unless they earn it through performances for Villa in the Championship, rather than moving to a desperate newly promoted club based on their decent reputation from days gone by.

Ronald has decided to ring the changes for this game with J-Rod starting which is really good news.  He’s in along with Cédric, Romeu and Davis and out go Pellè, Mané, Clasie and Martina.  It looks a strong starting line up to take on a Villa side which looks pretty desperate aside from Jordan Ayew up front who has actually managed to look half decent this season amongst the car crash.

Away we go and we quickly set about proving how bad they are as long ball forward is missed by J-Rod and Richards and suddenly Long is past Lescott with just Guzan to beat.  It’s an easy chance but he lobs the keeper and sees it bounce down off the bar and away.  Bollocks – that’s a sitter. Should be 1-0 but isn’t.

They are truly terrible though and it’s not long before another chance comes along.  Bertrand takes a throw in and it’s a simple nod back from Tadic and one touch later, Bertrand has whipped in a cross around Hutton who can’t be arsed to get in the way and there’s Shane all on his own to head past Guzan to make it 1-0.  Lescott was marking him but his mind was elsewhere, probably wondering who was going to key his car.

Villa do mount a couple of attacks and Champions League Bacuna is involved, first firing a free kick from a very good position straight into the wall and then getting his head on a Hutton cross and nodding it well wide.  We look purposeful in attack but ragged in defence and the next chance falls to us as Bertrand crossed following a short corner, Big Vic saw his shot blocked and then Virgil took his time before thumping it against the base of the near post.

Villa are attempting to pop it about in midfield and then it goes to Champions League Bacuna who tries to just knock it back to where it came from and he ends up ballooning a ball over his own defence to give Shane a chase for the loose ball with Lescott.  Perhaps instead of tweeting a picture of a sports car, Lescott should have tweeted a picture of a caravan as he was clearly carrying one as he got burnt up completely.  Long tried to skip round Guzan but the keeper got a hand to it but Shane had the presence of mind to turn and roll a pass to Dusan Tadic to knock into the empty net to make it 2-0.  I expect that Bacuna and Lescott will be checking their pay packets this week to see if they got their bonus for an assist.

There’s just a few minutes to half time and a professional performance would see us playing the half out and making sure that we go in 2-0 to the good but we fuck that right up as Ayew gets down the left and is allowed to get a cross in which everybody misses, including two Villa strikers who run into eachother and it breaks somewhat fortuitously to Westwood who scores easily.  Bloody hell that was crap defending from both full backs.  Cédric getting done by Ayew and Bertrand turning his back on it.

Half time and the Villa fans contented themselves with lobbing cardboard aeroplanes on the pitch whilst Ronal Koeman no doubt was going mental at the players for allowing such a shite side to get a goal and give themselves hope, just before the half time whistle.  When the teams re-emerged, Ronald had replaced Big Vic with Clasie and Villa had decided that Micah Richards is that bad that an 18 year old debut centre back is a better bet.

We set out to pass them to death at the start of the second half and we quickly reassert our authority.  J-Rod is denied a certain goal as his acrobatic volley hits Lescott and goes wide following good work by Cédric and Virgil to set him up.  Villa are being managed by Eric Black for today and he makes himself popular by at 2-1 down, making a like for like swap up front but the player coming off is the decent Ayew and the man coming on is Donkey Gestede.  “You Don’t Know What You’re Doing” rings out.

Another great opening goes to shit as Tadic pushes a lovely ball through to Long but his attempted poked finish is smothered by Guzan who is again equal to a Davis free kick from the left hand edge of the penalty area and once more as J-Rod takes aim from 20 yards and smashes it straight at him.  It’s so easy to create all these chances and we’re finding it easy to miss them all.

Mané is on for J-Rod for us and horrible little Ibiza Party Boy Grealish is on for them and we put some deserved daylight betweent he team again as Long breaks forward and rather than burn past Lescott, he gets his head up and rolls it in for Tadic who via a slight deflection, rattles it first time into the net. The confidence in Tadic as opposed to the ‘half an hour to shoot’ version of a few weeks ago is massive.

Shane misses another gilt-edged chance as Guzan droops a routine cross at his feet and he pokes it over and then Hutton picked up a deserved injury in a clash of heads with Mané.  I say deserved because Hutton is a non-footballer who belongs in League 1 and all he tries to do is foul people.  How the fuck has he stolen a career?  He’s not the most unpopular Villa player in the ground through with the loudest boos being reserved for every touch by Lescott and Champions League Bacuna.

As we approach the end, Hutton gets forward and has a lash at the near post which Fraser juggles over the bar in completely unconvincing fashion.  The corner comes over and like the first Villa goal, everyone misses it including two Villa players who have a swing and Westwood arrives to steer it into the net.

How the fuck are we only winning by one goal against this lot?  A brilliant combination of wasteful finishing, lack of care over the final ball and sloppy defending have left us potentially hanging on against the worst premier league team I’ve ever seen.  I was limbering up for a good old vein popping sweary rant of epic proportions, especially after Shane hit the side netting with another glorious chance which should have gone across the keeper.  Then Guzan threw it straight to Davis who again teed up Shane who took too long to get the shot away.   Swearing stopped when some neat interplay between Davis, Tadic and Cédric whilst Grealish stood and watched (whilst drinking an alcopop) gave the full back space to chip in a cross and Sadio Mané got away from Lescott and powered a header down past Guzan and into the corner to make it 4-2.

Well that was a very odd game.  Villa were so shite that we should have at least matched the 6 goals we put past them at this stage last season.  We butchered so many chances with sloppy passes or wasteful finishes and I don’t think our players could really get up for it because it was so easy.  Go on lads – we’ll even throw you a couple of goals with shit defending to make it slightly interesting.  Shane Long had scored one and set up two but he was doing my head in.  He was the reason we were in front and also the reason we weren’t out of sight with some horrible finishing.  Quite rightly though, he should be applauded for the positive things he did achieve in this game and the fact that he made Lescott look the complete mug that he is.  It was of course, a positive that J-Rod managed to play nearly 70 minutes.  He certainly seems to have bulked up and hopefully this will help him stay injury free in the future.  It was a perfect game for him to play in and the right decision by the manager who I’m sure knew that Villa’s defence would be appalling.  Man of the match for me was Oriol Romeu who was everywhere.  This guy needs to play more often and next year of course he will as Big Vic will almost certainly not be with us.  A final word for Dusan Tadic who is always going to be the kind of player to drift in and out of games but today he was pretty much on it for 90 minutes and the goals and chances he created will only boost the confidence of a player who has a massive difference between him at his best and him at his worst.

As it stands, 6^th place is the lowest to get a Europa League spot and in order to get that, we have to finish ahead of one of Liverpool, West Ham or Manchester United.  In order for the qualification to go any lower than 6^th, we want Manchester United to win the FA Cup and we want Liverpool to win the Europa League.  Cheering for those two sides is not going to be easy.  Can you imagine watching the Europa League Final and it’s a penalty shootout and up steps Lallana or Lovren and we need them to score.

There was some good news today as Liverpool tossed a 2-0 lead at home to Newcastle and drew 2-2.  We can’t really worry about others though and have to concentrate on winning our remaining games which are at home to Manchester City, away to Spurs and home to Palace.  The City game is sandwiched in between the two legs of their Champions League Semi-Final with Real Madrid so that gives us a chance and for Palace, it will be their last game before the FA Cup Final so that helps as well.  With any luck, Leicester will have won the league by the time we play Spurs so they’ll have nothing to play for either, though it would be delicious beyond belief to screw them up.  I always had a problem with Spurs and Pochettino, Alderweireld and Mitchell have made it worse…. So it was with great delight that I watched them fuck up against West Brom on Monday night and leave Leicester only needing three more points from three games to win the league.  The two snakes looked close to tears at the end.  Good.

Next up is Manchester City at home.  If we found it hard to play with intensity today because of the appalling opposition, then we should have no such problem next Sunday (unless they move the fucking day and time for the 4^th time before then).

Premier League Match 34 - Everton 1 Southampton 1

How the Fuck Did We Not Win This?

So – we haven’t won here since 1997 apparently.  That’s not very good is it.... especially as Everton have had periods of not being terribly good since then though they evidently coincided with us being worse.  That’s not the case now though with Saints being one of the form teams in the entire country and Everton being ... a team managed by Roberto Martinez.  It took him a while but he’s done what I predicted – gradually dismantled the resolute Moyes-era Everton and now play nice football but lose regularly because they can’t defend for shit.  With every passing week he’s turning into Brendan Rodgers – great reputation from not many results and post-match interviews which have become a joke.  He’s always crapping on about their fantastic world-class players which kind of makes you as manager look rather silly when you’re lower in the league than West Brom.  Everton are though, a ‘proper’ football club with sound foundations and their fans are decent and they seem to have seen through Roberto’s bullshit and aren’t happy – even with an FA Cup Semi-Final against Man United coming up next week.

News from the Saints camp is that Steve Davis is fit but Charlie Austin is not.  We have 5 games left and with Spurs and Man City being in the other four, we need to win today to give us a shout at finishing 6^th and getting into the Europa League again.  Ronald and the players have been talking a good game anyway so we shall see.

Hold the back page, we’ve got an unchanged team which means that Steve Davis hasn’t come straight back in and the Cédric is stil behind Martina in the pecking order.  Everton on the other hand are decimated by suspensions and injuries and their manager having one eye on a Merseyside Derby in midweek and an FA Cup Semi Final next Saturday.  Lukaku and Barkley are on the bench and ‘world class’ Gareth Barry is nowhere to be seen.  They have some good players like Stones, Coleman & Mirallas but we really should be beating these today.  I’d be surprised if any of those 5 decent players (not Barry) I’ve just mentioned will fancy being around next year, especially if Martinez is still the manager.

It doesn’t take long for a pattern to be established and we are clearly the more confident side as you’d expect.  Martina hits over a shite of a cross which I nowhere near anyone but it’s dropping right under the bar so Robles has to shovel it over the bar.  The next opportunity is Big Vic trying an optimistic daisy cutter which is easily saved.  Everton are managing the odd break with Mirallas seeing a shot blocked by Fonte and then the first big chance as Martina’s cross is headed down by Long at the back stick and Tadic volleys first time over the bar.  We’ve been slaughtering Tadic for taking too much time but ironically, he could have taken a touch here.

It’s all Saints and the Everton fans are getting annoyed already and we’ve only played about 20 minutes.  They are there for the taking if we can get in front and Long latches onto a ball over the top and tried to Vardy it and hit it first time as it drops but he fucks it right up and smashes it into the crowd.  When Everton get back up our end, the game is stopped as José is wandering around not knowing what day it is.  O have no idea why the Everton fans think he’s putting this on and eventually he has to go off to be replaced by Maya Yoshida which means we’re probably going to have to score two to win now.  If I was Martinez I’d put Lukaku on straight away as he’s exactly the kind of striker that Maya can’t deal with.

Everton are trying to play out from the back but they neither have the movement or ability to do this.  Funes Mori loses it to Big Vic after an awful touch and we work it to Long who is away until Gibson cynically takes him out with a slide tackle that was so late it evoked memories of Paul Wotton.  For me there’s a case for a red card here.  There are covering defenders and if he’s just tripped him or pulled him back then yellow and fair enough but he’s absolutely deliberately binned him and Shane’s in a heap on the ground.  It’s deliberate and dangerous.

Unfortunately we can’t take full advantage as Bertrand’s free kick is near the top corner but Robles reads it and saves well.  Ryan then makes a balls of the short corner and instead of crossing it, stabs

Bertrand short corner, rubbish, stabs it into our half and Deulofeu is away until Big Vic executes a perfect slide tackle which would have seen him sent off had he missed it.

We win another corner as Tadic gets in a good cross from the right and Stones beats Pellè to it to knock it behind.  Bertrand’s corner is delivered first time this time and Long gets up and his flicked header hits the inside of the far post and is cleared.  Bollocks.  More corners won, more corners delivered and more scrambled clearances from Everton until one lands with Virgil on the edge of the box and he takes a touch before putting it over the bar.  Half time and we’re going to regret not scoring aren’t we?  The atmosphere is so flat and the Everton team so poor that us going in front would be match-winning.

The second half starts with more of the same with Long having a shot blocked and then, after some good possession football around the edge of the box, Tadic cuts in and onto his left foot before shooting and seeing it flick off of Gibson’s head and smack against the bar and out.  Balls.  Everton are really only getting in our half when we fuck something up when we’re attacking and one such break ends with Pellè clumsily fouling Osman about 25 yards out.  We’re waiting for Mirallas’ free kick to fly straight into the top corner but in the end he lamely chips it over the wall and straight to Fraser.  It’s crap to be honest.

Graziano is not having a great game but he does get on the end of a low Martina cross and puts it wide but Ronald rolls the dice and removes our main, in form striker and replaces him with Steven Davis.  That’s a strange one… I could have understood a like for like swap with J-Rod…. We’ve got control in midfield anyway.  Everton are forced into a sub straight after as Coleman tries to keep pace with Irish team mate Long and does a hamstring to be replaced by a kid called Connolly who looks about 13.  The new lad adds a bit of energy to Everton and gets down the right to win a corner.

Over it comes from Mirallas and Funes Mori gets a free header which is blocked back out to him and he smashes the rebound through a ruck of bodies and into the net via a deflection.  Oh fuck off.  This is fucking ridiculous.  Two effort from the same player suggests that no one was marking him… guess who was supposed to be… yep. Maya Yoshida.

As if by magic we’re now straight back on the attack again and Mané teaches Connolly about the other side of being a right back and totally skins him before hanging up a cross for Graziano who….. watches on from the bench.  Tadic is having a field day on the right against Oviedo and beats him every single time and makes room for a cross before doing something shite with it.

J-Rod come son for Big Vic who copped a knee in the back in the first half and Jay immediately takes on Oviedo, burns past him and then runs out of pitch.  Just when you think it’s not going to come, it does as again we keep possession around the Everton box and eventually Tadic bursts infield and the ball squirts though via a deflection to Mané who puts it away to make it 1-1 with 12 minutes to go.  Letting in the goal sparks a pitch invasion by one bloke who has a chat with Leon Osman before getting all arsey in the direction of the Everton manager.  I bet he looked behind him at one point to see all his mates and none had followed.  Enjoy your banning order you twat.

Can we do it?  The last ten minutes is all Saints.  Long gets played through on the right but can’t get a shot away so he tries to lay it back to Jay who has it taken off his toe before he can shoot.  J-Rod then gets a chance and stings the palms of Robles with a blast from a narrow angle and then Mané skins Osman on the right but again, Everton manage to get away with it.

And shit!!! Whilst a point at Goodison is never to be sniffed at – today it’s a shite result both because we needed a win and because Everton were desperately bad.  We were the better team by a mile and really should have won comfortably but we blew it with an inability to find a final ball or get the shot on target.  Dusan Tadic was at his most frustrating today - I just know that he’ll be picked out as Man of the Match by lots of people because of the way he continually beat Oviedo but what’s the point if every ball you put into the box picks out an Everton defender?  to be fair though, a majority of our chances were created by him but it still does my head in.  Usually I ‘get’ the reason why people were subbed at the time but when Graziano got subbed, I gave that decision the benefit of the doubt to start with but the desired effect just didn’t happen so we wasted about 20 minutes until Big Vic had to go off and we threw J-Rod on.  Then we looked more of a threat but couldn’t fashion a decent chance in the last ten despite being camped in their half for most of it.  I guess that having to take José off cut down on the flexibility that Ronald had with the subs in the second half. The good news is that Clasie was forced to play 90 minutes.

Afterwards, Ronald made no bones about the fact that our lack of goals away from home is damaging our Europa chances and he’s right of course.  The flip side is that we are very solid away from home in that we don’t let many.  What can we do…. Both Tadic and Mané create opportunities but too often the final ball lets them down (as mention earlier and about 80 times this season) and they don’t score enough.  Another problem is that our midfielders don’t score enough – I think of the regulars, it’s Vic 1, Jordy 0, Davo 2 this season.  Maybe we need to get JWP in the side ahead of Clasie in away games.  We will lose a bit defensively but gain on the free kick delivery etc.  In the context of our team, Steve Davis has to contribute more goals as well.  I know he was a sub today but playing where he does, he has to contribute more than 0 to 2 goals per season.

With United and Liverpool winning and West Ham drawing at Leicester – we haven’t done our chances of finishing above any of these teams much good today.  There’s a few midweek games this week so we may have a clearer picture after those because of teams catching up their games in hand.  So – we want a Watford win at West Ham, an Everton win at Liverpool and a Palace win at United.  No chance.

Next up we have a trip to the walking disaster that is Aston Villa who got officially relegated on Saturday, having been relegated in spirit since about October.  Ronald is bemoaning our lack of away goals but if we can’t get a few against Villa then we really are struggling.  We’ve already dropped two points in the home game against them and I can’t imagine many teams have failed to beat them at least once this season.   Maybe J-Rod to start?  Bring it on.