Lambert and England Parts 2 and 3

Even Rooney Could Have Scored That!

When I started writing this blog in 2009, International week wasn’t really anything I needed to write about, certainly from a Saints perspective.  I didn’t spend loads of time wondering if Papa Waigo was going to get called up for Senegal or if Paul Wotton was going to discover that one of his great-grandparents were Scottish and therefore transport him straight into their first team.  Marek Saganowski was a full Polish international but he couldn’t get into our team whereas Matt Paterson could.  Yes, International breaks didn’t mean much.

Fast forward four and a bit years and it’s a bit different.  We now have players who are full internationals with Poland, Japan, Croatia, Uruguay, Italy, Northern Ireland and Kenya, in addition to England Under 21 and Under 19 players.  Despite all of the aforementioned, nothing means as much as seeing one of our players step out for England as Sir Rickie did against Moldova at Wembley.  Even after scoring with his first touch on his international debut, there was still no guarantee he’d get picked again and no guarantee he wouldn’t join the likes of David Nugent as a one cap, one goal wonder (but without being a Skate bastard).

To the game against Moldova and he’s starting it, probably due to injuries to others.  Rooney had cut his head open after he headbutted an etch-a-sketch in anger after Colleen got bored with trying to teach him how to use it.  Andy Carroll was still lame after the summer season walking up and down the beach in Blackpool and Daniel Sturridge only appears to be fit in between international fixtures, which will probably continue until Luis Suarez is available again.    On paper the line-up looks good with Walcott and Welbeck joining in with our man from the wings and a first choice midfield 3 of Lampard, Gerrard and Wilshere.  Cleverley and Milner are only on the bench so all looks good and so it proved to be.

Sir Rickie had a chance after 5 minutes which he lashed just wide and then settled into a routine of holding the ball up and feeding it to others.  He wasn’t involved in Gerrard’s 20th minute opener but was Johnny on the spot on the half hour when after a spell of penalty area pinball, Walcott hammered in a shot from the right with the useless keeper flapped across to give Sir Rickie a free header into an empty net from 2 yards... lovely!

It got even lovelier on half time with his fabulous ball over the top which allowed Welbeck to round the keeper and score and lovelier still in the second half when another perfectly weighted pass, this time along the ground, enabled Welbeck to score again.  Things took a kind of surreal turn on 65 minutes when he was substituted to protect him for the Ukraine game as the stupidly harsh booking Welbeck had received for shooting about 0.1 of a second after the whistle had blown, had ruled out yet another striker.  The player who came on for him was James Milner so I stopped concentrating for a bit, waking up only to see Milner half volley an extremely difficult chance over the bar from 3 yards with an open goal and no one marking him.  Still, he’s good when we haven’t got the ball which is why he continually gives it to the opposition.

The media after the game has been on the whole very positive about Sir RIckie but there’s always this undercurrent of ‘he’s not really good enough and it’s only because of injuries to others’.   There’s also a bit of ‘he’ll get found out against decent opposition’ which is a theory that anyone who has a quick look at who he scored against in the Premier League last year will quickly dismiss.   The real issue is that he’s played in the lower leagues and hasn’t had it all on a plate and that he plays for Southampton.  None of this undercurrent of negativity would be present if he’d spent his career as a squad player at a massive club playing about 10 games a season.  

So, for the uninitiated I’ll repeat what I said after the Scotland game – in my biased opinion he’s the best striker we have, end of story.  Others are younger and have more potential (Sturridge and Welbeck) but we are talking about the next year here, not three years time.  Virtually all the candidates are quicker than him but none are as good at all the things that a forward actually needs to be good at.... even media darling Rooney.  In my opinion, Sir Rickie is his equal as a goalscorer, equal on pace, has better touch, has better appreciation of others, better in the air, fitter, less likely to get sent off, more intelligent, less likely to shag a prostitute and less likely to give his kids a stupid name.... not that shagging a prostitute makes you a bad striker on it’s own.  In short, he’s more reliable and better.  Also, it can’t be denied that he’s made a lot of fans like the England team again in two matches because of his personality, unlike Rooney who is one of those who just makes people hate it.  I hope that Roy Hodgson thinks the same and you know what, I actually thought for a second that he was beginning to.  However, we’re still a long way away from an England manager being faced with a choice of a fit Rooney and a fit Sir Rickie for one place in the team and the manager picking the Saints man.  Can you imagine the media with Hodgson if he picked Lambert and then we lost?

Rare Footage of an England Midfielder near Sir Rickie.

So, off to Ukraine for the defining moment of England’s qualifying campaign – Rooney is still injured, Welbeck is suspended and Sturridge is being saved for Liverpool’s game at the weekend (which he should be prevented from playing in, in my opinion).  Sir Rickie will be up front on his own and this time he’ll be really on his own as Welbeck’s replacement is anti-footballer James Milner.

The game as you’ll know was a tedious 0-0 Hodgson England special.  Sir Rickie did well in the first half with his hold up play considering he was up against two massive centre backs on his own.  In the second half, England didn’t get any players around him at all so he was mainly trying to control throat high balls hit from miles away and feed them to players who were thirty yards behind him.  Needless to say, he didn’t shine and nor did anyone else but he did get a flick on a throw in to present Lampard with a chance to nod England a 91st minute winner but he headed wide.

I’ve given Roy Hodgson a bit of breathing space since he brought the Saints man into the squad, purely because it showed an ability to think beyond the usual tried and failed players.  However, in other areas his choices are severely lacking.  We ended the game with Milner, Cleverley and Young on the pitch and all three of those are next to useless.   Milner was being defended by many in the media as being underrated or unappreciated – look, he’s slated because people are realising that he’s just crap.  If he actually played football occasionally instead of hardly making the bench at City, then more people would realise.  In addition, having a severe off day in this match were Walcott, Wilshere and Lampard with Walcott having left his brain in England, Wilshere looking like a player who really doesn’t merit the hype he gets and Lampard looking very off the pace as I guess you’re going to do occasionally when you’re 35.  There has to be an opportunity for Nathaniel Clyne to make the World Cup after witnessing the dreadful Kyle Walker play at right back yesterday in place of the woeful-but-not-quite-as-woeful Glenn Johnson.  Much is made of the lack of English players in the Premier League but there are enough good players to replace some of these clowns and I can’t get round the thinking that Hodgson, like countless England managers before him, just doesn’t make the best of what he has.

Hodgson is so negative it’s untrue.  Yes we got a point and our destiny is in our hands so I guess it’s job done but are we improving?  Are we keeping possession more?  Are we building up play and getting players in and around the striker(s)?  No.  Are we playing the default England Away 4-5-fifty yards-1 formation?  Yes we are.  If we qualify, will anything different happen in the tournament – unlikely I’d say.  His comments after the game pissed me off as well.  I know he was defending a pretty woeful performance so he had to say something but basically he said that we were missing strikers and if we weren’t then we’d have scored, which says that he didn’t think his forwards were good enough.  So Rooney or Sturridge or Welbeck would have done better as the only England player in the Ukraine half would they?  I don’t think so.  Ukraine were average at best and I dare say that if a 37 year old Shevchenko had played instead of that Zozulya bloke up front who was one of the worst forwards I’ve ever seen, then we’d have lost.

What we need is Don Nicola Cortese to do Greg Dyke’s job.   The Don would allow Hodgson to get us to the promised land of the World Cup and then sack him and get in a suitable manager for the tournament.  As for Sir Rickie – well he has to come back to Saints and score some goals.  It sounds like Andy Carroll is injured yet again which should keep him in the England squad for the final qualifiers at home to Montenegro and Poland but he has a great chance of going to Brazil if we get there and no one would be more deserving.  

England - Bloody Hell.

We'll be there, We'll be Crap

In the build up to the Poland v England game, after the postponement for the roof not being closed and the start of the actual game, I took to Twitter in frustration and tweeted the following

“Forget Roofgate.  The real scandal is this starting line-up”

“No pace, no width, no skill”

As far as I could tell before the game started, the midfield would like up as follows;  on the right, James Milner, offering nothing going forward, giving the ball away repeatedly which allows him to show his best trait – running around after people who can actually play football.  In the centre, Michael Carrick who though he’s been picked to keep the ball, will continually give it away as it’s not like playing for Man United when you’ve always got time as you spend 90% of the game on the front foot.  Also in the centre will be Steven Gerrard who will try and dictate the game but will be let down by the failings of those around him who are not in his level which means he will start trying to play Hollywood 60 yard passes as there will be no one else willing to do anything positive.  On the left, Tom Cleverley who will not be on the left as he’ll be loafing about in the middle, passing sideways for the sake of it and having no influence whatsoever aside from making the team unbalanced and not helping out the left back at all.  Roy Hodgson is a nice guy but I’m sorry, he’s an idiot if he thinks that a line-up like this was going to be anything other than woeful.

International football is of course, all about 2 year cycles as that’s when the tournaments are.  England must be the only country in the world who go to a tournament and do very averagely (like we did in Euro 2012) and then come back, look forward to the next tournament and think “I know just what we need to freshen things up and get us ready for 2 years time.... it’s a midfielder who is 32 who has never been a regular under a succession of England managers and refused to be a standby player in the last tournament”.  Step forward Michael Carrick.  It’s not Carrick’s fault he’s been chosen of course, it’s down to Hodgson.  Hodgson has picked a player who is totally one paced and has a track record of playing poorly when he’s put under pressure.  Consequently, Carrick has never been good enough to play international football and guess what, at 32, he’s never going to be.  He’s had his chance and is a proven failure.  Time to move on.

Stan Collymore was on Twitter last week talking about our attacking midfield players, the exciting game-changing type of player who causes problems for defenders by running at them and makes them make decisions.  We have a few of them in Theo Walcott, Alex Chamberlain, Aaron Lennon, Adam Johnson and further down the list (for now) we have Adam Lallana and Raheem Sterling.  We have lots of these players who could make the national team exciting and you never know, maybe make it entertaining and successful.  However, if we have a game against anyone who is better than San Marino and Roy Hodgson has a choice to make as to who plays on the right wing.... guess who he’s going to pick?  I’ll give you a clue, it won’t be any of the players on the list I’ve just written, it’ll be James Bloody Milner.   That’s right, James Bloody Milner is going to get the nod, every single time.  Why? Because Roy is negative and sets out to not lose before he sets out to win.  You cannot be positively trying to win a game if you pick Milner.  The argument against Walcott for example is that he gives the ball away too much which he does because he tries to make things happen and will maybe take on one man too many and lose it which is of course a crime, compared to Milner who will just give the ball back to the opposition when trying to execute a 10 yard pass.  Of course though, Milner is a better defender which is exactly what you need if you’re dour and negative and never want England to achieve anything.  Again though, it’s not Milner’s fault he gets picked, which brings us onto Tom Cleverley.

When it came down to the Poland game, Roy Hodgson had to choose a player to play on the left, having decided that Carrick and Gerrard were his central midfielders.  He had the choice of Alex Chamberlain, Adam Johnson qwho are naturals or he also could have picked Leighton Baines or even Jonjo Shelvey who are left footed and could easily play there.  Roy went with Cleverley which is just plain daft a he’s never played there in his life so what the bloody hell makes him the best player to play there for England.   It’s not a negative move particularly, as Cleverley is not a particularly negative player but I feel with this one that he’s been picked out as the new Messiah (or the new Fabregas by Roy Hodgson) and so he has to play somewhere.   Roy has backed himself into a corner here by praising him to the skies but I’m sorry Roy, he really isn’t that good – he’s average at best.  I saw him play for Man United at St.Mary’s and he got totally eclipsed by Adam Lallana and James Ward-Prowse (both English) and Saints were winning 2-1 when the turning point came and Sir Alex took him off.  They won 3-2 with a young sub called Paul Scholes totally changing the game.  That’s just one game I grant you but performances in 5-0 wins against pub sides from Moldova and San Marino really don’t count for much.  I can see us turning round one day and Cleverley has 40 caps like Stewart “no goals, no assists” Downing and then people start questioning how when he doesn’t actually do anything much – again, it’s not his fault he gets picked and he tries really hard but is completely out of his depth.  If he played for a mid table side he wouldn’t be anywhere near the England set up and this is another issue.  When it comes to England selection, it’s better to be an average player at a top club than the star player at an average club.  And, now the biggest talking point... Wayne Rooney.

Rooney is our best player as we are repeatedly told by Roy Hodgson.  This is almost as big a load of rubbish as saying that Tom Cleverley is the new Cesc Fabregas.  If I was manager of a team and a particular player had not played well for it in 8 or so years, I wouldn’t pick him and I definitely wouldn’t stand up say that he’s my best player which basically says “he will play whenever he’s available and is undroppable”.  The most interesting England match of recent times was the 3-2 win over Sweden in the Euro’s when out best player was suspended and Carroll and Welbeck were up front.  They both scored and England won and as an attacking side, were decent.  The next game was against Ukraine and Rooney came back in, Carroll was dropped for no other reason but to accommodate Rooney and England and particularly Rooney, were terrible, even though we fluked a 1-0 win with Rooney scoring from 4 inches after the keeper had a mare.  Then of course, the game that mattered against Italy and a clearly unfit Rooney was knackered after half an hour and should have come off but he was left to wheeze around for another 90 minutes, to the detriment of the rest of the team.  Hodgson then denied there was an issue with his fitness when the whole world could see that there was. 

Fast forward a bit and he got made captain for the game against the pub team of the San Marino Arms, scored a couple of goals and suddenly he’s saying he’s a reformed character and wants to be full time captain etc.  He shouldn’t even be in the team if it was picked on form and as we are only 6 months on from when he pointlessly kicked a Macedonian up the arse and got sent off, I think it’s a bit early to say he’s reformed.  Also, I’ve just had to explain to my 8 year old son what racism is all about courtesy of him asking “What did John Terry do?”.  As I was trying to explain it and fielding questions like “what did he say?”, I was thinking “Thanks John you great role model”.  The prospect of Rooney and his prostitute bothering and red mist which really wasn’t that long ago, is not something I want to have to entertain explaining to my kids if he’s England captain.   Anyhow, back to the football and his 2 goals against the pub team put him in the top 5 English international goalscorers of all time list.  Let’s scratch the surface a bit.

31 international goals and for the sake of analysis, I’ve grouped the countries he’s scored against into one of 4 groups.  Group 1 is your traditional football powers who have a chance of winning tournaments (where England aspire to be), Group 2 is your countries who are dangerous on their day (England’s level), Group 3 is the average sides who occasionally qualify for tournaments but aren’t much good and Group 4 is the pub teams who are basically League 2 standard and should have to pre-qualify for qualifying groups.

Rooney v Group 1 – 2 goals in friendlies v Argentina (2005) and Holland (2006)

Rooney v Group 2 – 5 goals v Croatia (4) and Russia (1)

Rooney v Group 3 – 11 goals v Macedonia, Denmark(2), Switzerland (2), Slovakia(2), Bulgaria(2), Ukraine, Poland

Rooney v Group 4 – 13 goals v San Marino(2), Andorra(2), Belarus(2), Kazakhstan(3), Iceland(2), Liecetenstein and Estonia.

So, he hardly ever scores against decent sides and he hasn’t done it in a tournament when the pressure is on, since 2004.  Somehow, this makes him undroppable.  Though I’ve used stats here to illustrate a point, they of course can be used to illustrate just about any point you like.  Trust me though that he’s played against Italy, Portugal and other countries who you’d put in Group 1 and done nothing.  If we’re going to play 2 up front for England then Carroll and Defoe would be a better partnership than Rooney and anyone else.  Pick the best team, even if it means leaving out who you think is your best player.  It also might give him the jolt he clearly needs to get him back to his best as he’s a million miles from that now.  He’s so mollycoddled it’s untrue – we change winning sides to accommodate him, we pick him for tournament squads when he’s suspended and countless England managers pin their colours to his mast and he never does a thing to justify the faith put in him.  The answer might be to stop putting faith in him for a bit and make him work at impressing people again.  We’ll qualify for the World Cup if Rooney plays or if he doesn’t.  Lets try the latter option for a bit and see if there’s a long term benefit.  He can be a good player but right now, for England he just isn’t.

With Roy Hodgson, we are following the same road as always – qualify because the opposition are poor and fail in the tournament because we are poor when the opposition are a bit better.  I was slightly encouraged by Euro 2012 as my blogs illustrated but It’s been a really really disappointing start to the qualifying group for Rio 2014 in terms of progress in our way of playing and it needs to improve or else you begin to wonder what the point is.  In my opinion, if performances don’t improve and the negative thinking is not abandoned, Roy Hodgson needs to go.  I know a point in Poland is not the worst result ever but we aren’t improving and this has to change.   Can we ever trust the FA to get something right though?  To be honest,  I wouldn’t trust the FA to sit the right way round on a toilet so I don’t expect them to get this right either.  We’ll limp on, we’ll qualify and then we’ll be crap and come home.

World Cup Part 18 - Pub Team Loses FInal

The Nice Face of Dutch Football

SATURDAY 10th JULY

The game that is not even on your wall planner, the 3rd place playoff or as it is now pomposly known, 'The Bronze Medal Match' or the 'We Don't Want to Fucking be Here, We Want to Be at Home' Playoff. As befitting its importance, I can't be arsed with it - Germany beat Uruguay 3-2 with Khedira heading the winner with 8 minutes to go, the Uruguayan goalkeeper was shit and threw in the first two goals, whilst Forlan scored another decent one for the losers. So, Germany third, whoop-de-do.

SUNDAY 11th JULY

Sapin v Netherlands.... The World Cup Final. The selection issues were resolved in a fairly boring manner – the Spanish kept Pedro in the team and left Torres on the bench whilst the Dutch brought back De Jong and Van Der Wiel who were suspended from the semi final.

Spain started brightly and it only took 5 minutes for Sergio Ramos to force the first save from Stekelenburg with a decent header and the Spanish full back causes havoc again when he fires in a cross that Heitinga slices over his own bar, not having a clue where it had gone.

Howard Webb, the referee, then took over for a couple of minutes, showing yellow cards, first for Van Persie and then for Puyol who gets booked for bringing down Arjen Robben. If I had my way, you get a medal for kicking that diving little shit. The double booking comes again a few minutes later as predictably, Van Bommel kicks Iniesta up in the air because he hadn’t touched the ball so far. Sergio Ramos then gets booked for pointlessly fouling Dirk Kuyt, who was having one of those games where if you don’t tackle him, he’ll tackle himself.

Webby (as his mates call him) has a shocker on the half hour when Xabi Alonso wins a header about three seconds before de Jong karate kicks him across the throat. Think Gazza in the Cup Final in 1991 and then go a bit higher. It’s a red card on the park, in the lower leagues, in the Premiership, in the group games of the World Cup…. But it’s yellow in the final. His foot is nearly six foot off the ground and Alonso was lucky he didn’t need dentistry.

There’s a bizarre incident a few minutes later when the Dutch return to ball to Casillas who must have shat himself as it bounced over his head. He pushed it round for a corner and the Dutch took time off from kicking the shit out of everything and returned the corner to the keeper which was a nice touch from Van Persie, though I bet Van Bommel kicked him in the bollocks for that at half-time.

Netherlands have a decent chance a few minutes later as a short corner is worked to Mathijsen who showed exactly why he’s a centre back by hitting an embarrassing airshot. There is only one more incident of note in the first half which is unsurprisingly a bad foul by a Dutch player which Busquets being taken out high and late by Sneijder, for having a silly name. Half time, 0-0 and a crap game.

The game needs a goal and Spain fashion a chance at the start of the second half but it falls to Capdevila who does a Mathijsen and misses the ball. I feel that it’s going to be a long night. We have managed a few minutes without anyone getting booked but the Van Bronckhorst and Heitinga manage it in quick succession. It’s noticeable that Van Bommel and de Jong have obviously been told not to be silly in the 2nd half as neither of them are putting their foot in which must be a killer when all you want to do is kick the fuck out of people.

Golden chance for the Dutch as Robben finds himself clean through with just Casillas to beat. He took his time well and waited for Casillas to commit before scuffing a shot that Casillas toed behind with a trailing boot. Maybe it was the keeper that put him off, or the enormity of the occasion – or maybe it was me shouting ‘WANKER!!!’ at my television as he shaped to shoot. Either way, it was a great chance gone and you kind of knew that they wouldn’t get too many others.

Spain have brought on Jesus Navas who a tricky little quick bastard who plays on the wing. He is immediately flying past van Bronckhorst and setting up David Villa whose goalbound shot is deflected wide by Heitinga. Having praised him for being an effective player in this tournament, time runs of for Dirk Kuyt who is stinking the place out and is substituted with Elia coming on in his place. Today, Dirk looked like Iain Dowie, which he always does to be fair - the trouble is that today he played like him. There’s a phrase about trapping a bag of cement.

There are just over ten minutes to go and Spain re-enact their semi final goal as Sergio Ramos leaps Puyol-like to connect with a header – only there the similarity ends as he powers it over the bar. Free header from six yards… over, in a World Cup Final, nightmare. I’d love to know what names he was calling himself. It’s going to extra time but there is one more incident of note and involves my mate Robben who again gets through and Puyol is having a pull at his shirt but in most strange behaviour, he stays on his feet and runs into the keeper who claims the ball. I have never seen Robben stay on his feet ever and consequently, he doesn’t get a penalty, Puyol doesn’t get sent off and Robben does get booked for bitching about it afterwards. I find this quite amusing and a definite case of past diving about coming back to haunt you. Webby must have thought... he didn't go down and he always goes down, so it can't be a foul.

Extra time and Fabregas is on for Alonso (actually this happened just before the 90 minutes were up) and my thoughts drifted to England – if Torres and Fabregas were English – would they be on the bench? Fabregas is clean though on 95 minutes but can't lift it over Stekelenburg who makes a great save. The keeper has a heart-in-mouth moment five minutes later as Jesus shoots, the keeper dives and Van Bronckhorst deflects it the other way onto the outside of the post. Fabregas manages a run on shot which goes wide and that’s half time.

…and we’re off for the last fifteen minutes of football in South Africa 2010, Torres is on for Villa and it takes five minutes for the inevitable to occur as Iniesta gets hauled down, it’s a yellow card and it’s just a case of if the Dutchman in question has already been booked. He has and Heitinga has to walk. Webby gets Van Bommel in his face and it’s all kicking off but can we have a goal now please? In my opinion, Webby has refereed pretty well considering the occasion and the Dutch tactics. Yes, he probably should have sent de Jong off but he definitely should have seen the foul on Elia who was sandwiched between Ramos and Pique. From the lack of free kick, Spain broke and Torres crossed from the left, Mathijsen messed up the clearace and Fabregas fed Iniesta who took a touch, smashed it home and promptly went nuts along with anyone Spanish round the world.

The Dutch have got nothing to offer and so The Spanish easily hold on and win the World Cup for the very first time and thank Christ for that. If the Dutch had managed to win on penalties it would have been a travesty for the game. Anti-football at its worst, bloody pub team tactics, Total Football... Total Thuggery. They knew that it would take something bad to get sent off in the World Cup Final and they played on this and kicked the shite out of Spain from the first minute. The sad thing is is that the Dutch didn’t really need to do this as they have good players and Dirk Kuyt. A victory for football.

A while later and Iker Casillas received to cup from Sepp Arse Blatter and Jacob Zuma and millions of TVs across England switched off. Will it ever be us? Not a chance. Another remix of the Skinner and Baddiel song with 4 more years added on to the lyrics.

The End.

Thankfully - the best team won

World Cup Part 17 - Van Bommanimal

"I will personally rip your head off"

TUESDAY 6th JULY

The first semi-final was between Holland and Uruguay which is a match you would not have predicted before the tournament began. Of course, to one eyed fans in England, when we filled out our wallcharts with our predictions, this was going to be England v Brazil, a game that we didn’t think we’d win but we might because we had Rooney and Gerrard and Lampard and all the other …. Wankers. Mind you, I expect that people in Brazil thought the same thing about their side and and now think they're a bunch of whatever the Portuguese word is for ‘wankers’. Maybe the word is ‘Ronaldo’. One of the more bizarre bits of news is that Ronaldo has become a father by paying a surrogate mother. Strange, you’d think that with his looks and money he could have got laid.

Anyway, to the football and Uruguay were missing their second goalkeeper in Suarez and the Dutch were without the suspended de Jong and Van Der Wiel. De Jong missing meant that Mark Van Bommel was missing his partner in midfield thuggery so Van Bommel, possibly the dirtiest player I’ve ever seen, would have to up his crime rate.

The first half started off a bit tentatively with not much football being played. The Dutch switched the ball to the left and this was achieved by Van Bommel stepping over a pass, bound for Van Bronckhorst. The way he stepped over the pass was by lifting his foot and stamping down the shin of the nearest Uruguayan but never mind. Van Bronckhorst picked it up, one pace forward and bang, left footed from 40 yards into the opposite top corner for an absolutely stunning goal. As you know by now, my pet hate is the fucking ball but it flew straight and true this time which is great but I bet if he hit the same shot 10 times you’d get 10 different results. The Dutch then started to play and looked like they might win easily. Uruguay were hanging in there but were clearly missing the running of Suarez up front. Shorn of his strike partner, Forlan decided to sort things out on his own as he picked the ball up in the inside right channel and cut onto his weaker left foot where, hampered by no Dutch defenders closing him down, he hit it and Stekelenburg made himself as small as possible in the Dutch goal as he waved it past. A hint of Jubulani about the goal, a good strike but he really should have saved it… 1-1 at half time.

Again, the start of the second half was kind of nondescript with the Dutch lacking ideas and Uruguay lacking ambition. Three minutes decided the match though when on 70 minutes, Sneijder (who I have spelt incorrectly on every other blog entry) hit a shot from the edge of the box which got deflected into the far corner, through the legs of Van Persie who may or may not have been offside. Replays showed that one of his feet was fractionally in front of the defender but in my opinion, they were level and fair enough, the benefit should go to the attacker. Also, he didn’t actually touch it and once it took the original deflection, the keeper was toast anyhow. From their next attack, Holland worked it out to my mate Dirk on the right wing who chipped in a beautiful cross for Arjen Robben to leap, and plant a superb header into the bottom corner of the net. Game over, or was it….

Faced with elimination, Uruguay decided to attack a bit but it took until the 91st minute for them to pull one back as a neatly worked free kick move culminated in Maxi Pareira curling a left footer past Stekelenburg. Hilariously, Van Bommel then got booked for dissent after committing his 25th foul of the match and his “who, me?” face was brilliant. Sadly for Uruguay, there was no time for a frantic finale but they really can be proud of their efforts in getting this far. They have some good players in Forlan, Suarez, Arevalo and Pareira but mainly, they have a great work ethic and team spirit, a bit like France and England. The Dutch go on to their third World Cup Final and they deserve it. They have a few deficiencies in their team but they get the job done, their defence looks a bit dodgy and Van Persie, their main striker, hasn’t scored yet but Sneijder, Robben and Kuyt have been incredibly effective and Van Bommel, despite the fact he should be in prison or in a zoo, does a fantastic job anchoring the midfield and kicking people in general.

WEDNESDAY 7th JULY

Now for the match I was really looking forward to. In this World Cup I had come to accept the fact that previous hate figures had somehow become likeable. Diego Maradona had managed it through his barking mad approach and the Germans were to be admired for the way they were playing. Pundits and fans from many other countries have been queueing up to praise them for they way they have turned things around and developed a new way of playing etc. Germany being Germany though, ruin this by continually telling us how fabulous they are, firstly through Jurgen Klinsmann telling us how he and Joachim Loew changed the world and then our old mate Franz Beckenbauer telling us how Germany were efficient and always scored whereas Spain keep it for 90 minutes and don’t score. When it comes down to it, Franz and Jurgen had reaffirmed something that I had carried with me since I started watching football – I don’t like the Germans.

Spain finally gave up with Torres and benched him in favour of Pedro and the Germans replaced the suspended Muller with Trochowski who hails from North-East Germany, otherwise known as Poland – at least he speaks the same language as Podolski and Klose..

The game starts and Germany do what they did against England and Argentina in that they let the opposition have the ball. The trouble is that England and the Argies gave it back but the Spanish don’t. A lovely through ball from Pedro gives David Villa a chance but Neuer is out quickly to block. The Germans are struggling to keep the ball and the pressing of the Spanish when they do lose it is enough to make the Germans boot it long or give it away. Quarter of an hour gone and Xavi and Iniesta work a corner beautifully and Iniesta fires over a cross and Puyol tries to break the net with his header but it flies over the bar. Soon after, Germany manage to launch a counter attack which is of course, the one tactic they have but it’s ruined by a sloppy Podolski pass behind Ozil but in general, it’s still all Spain with Ramos and Xabi Alonso firing wide when well placed.

On the half hour, Germany manage their first shot with Trochowski forcing a save from Casillas and not a lot happens until Ozil falls in a heap on the edge of the box and nothing is given despite frantic penalty appeals. To be fair, it was a foul by Ramos but outside the box. Half time and 0-0 with Spain having all the possession and nothing to show for it. The Germans have been disappointing with very little being seen of Schweinsteiger and Ozil, their two players who make things happen.

The second half started with two decent but wide efforts from Alonso before Loew made a strange substitution, removing Boateng and replacing him with Jansen, who has looked like a shocking player whenever I’ve seen him, OK going forward but terrible defensively and he’s gone to left back.. More Spanish pressure with Pedro and Iniesta to the fore and David Villa looking the man most likely but it’s still not happening.

All the pretty football and all the possession and how to Spain take the lead ? Xavi fires a croner straight into the mixer and Puyol gets a run on it and smashes it in with his head – which defender lost him ? – Marcell Jansen. The ball hits the back of the net and bounces out back to Neuer – can’t pretend that one wasn’t in pal… I bet it crossed his mind though.

Loew and behold, Germany start showing ambition and are forcing Spain back now in much the same way Uruguay did to Holland once they went behind. I really hope they bloody lose now. Torres comes on for Spain and all Germany have got left is Mario Gomez who won the "Golden Turd Award for the Worst Striker at Euro 2008". He had a clear run at this award as England, and therefore Emile Heskey, didn't qualify. Spain should have wrapped it up as a Xavi pass sets Pedro free. It’s a 2 vs 1 break with Torres screaming for a pass but Pedro pisses about with it and lets the one defender get a tackle in – greedy bastard.

And so the game fizzles out as the Germans really don’t have too much to offer in terms of chasing the game. Spain just keep the ball and the time gets eaten up without much of a threat on their goal. It ends and the best team won and they really were the best team, by a mile. They could have won 4-0 and it wouldn’t have flattered them. As for Germany - well they were brilliant ad clinical against teams who had no defensive discipline (England, Argentina, Australia) but they didn't have a plan to play against teams who don't over commit (Serbia, Spain). Needless to say, they bloody will have sussed it out by the time Euro 2012 comes around but for now, lets rejoice in the fact that they are not the finished article, yet. I know they're light years ahead of England but lets be thankful for small mercies. Bye Franz and enjoy the most pointless match in World football - the 3rd Place Playoff.

So the final is between Holland and Spain and I only really see one winner. The Dutch destruction duo of De Jong and Van Bommanimal have to get the better of Xavi and Iniesta in order to get Sneijder and Robben on the ball but I can’t honestly see anyone getting the better of the Spanish pair. If Robben in particular, gets on the ball and gets to run at Capdevila then the Dutch may have some joy but they have to make the most of any possession they have to get at the Spanish defence, in which Pique is dodgy and Casillas has looked unsure. As for the Dutch defence – well I can’t see them coping with Villa but will Spain play two up or will they play one of Pedro or Fabregas, just behind Villa. As usual, you can’t see Spain scoring too many as they piss about up front too much but I’m sure they’ll get one and it’ll be the one that wins them the World Cup. Spain 1 Holland 0 is the prediction.

It's horrible when Germany lose.

World Cup Part 16 - Vorsprung Durch Technik

Diego drowns his sorrows

SATURDAY 3 JULY

Argentina v Germany in the first Quarter Final of the day was eagerly anticipated in that we’d finally see both sides get their defences tested. It hard to watch though when you watch both teams to lose – who do I hate more, The Germans or the Argies – tough one. I found myself wanting the Germans to win because they didn’t have a hate figure on view. Argentina of course had Maradona but Germany didn’t have a Klinsmann, a Matthaus, a Schumacher or a Beckenbauer. It didn’t take long for the first goal to arrive and the Germans got it when Schweinsteiger swung over a free kick and Tomas Mueller (again!!) ran in front of static defender and diverted it past Romero who barely moved. Klose fired over when it was easier to score from a Mueller pull back before Argentina had the ball in the net as Tevez square for Rodriguez to tap home. Unfortunately, when Tevez received the ball, he was one of four players who had been caught in a Vorsprung Durch Technik German offside trap.

The second half started with more Argentine pressure with de Maria hitting a cross shot that was on target until the Jubulani decided to turn left and miss the far post. Then came the incident that showed that it wasn’t going to be Argentina’s day when Tevez connected sweetly with an on-target volley from 12 yards which hit Mertersacker straight in the face and bounced off for a corner. Up the other end and Schweinsteiger put Podolski through who waited, drew the keeper and slipped it to a suspiciously offside looking Klose for a tap in and 2-0. Five minutes later it was all over and Schweinsteiger set off on a mazy which took him past four defenders and to the by-line, from where he rolled it back into the path of Freidrich to slot home. Brilliant run and my new favourite goal of the tournament. The Argies gave up at this point, leaving just one more opportunity for the Germans to show how the counter attack works and Podolski broke, passed to Ozil who crossed beautifully for Klose to despatch on the volley for 4-0.

Goodbye El Nutjob, I have enjoyed your press conferences and your enthusiasm but it’s still fun watching your team crash out. I guess the big compensation for Maradona is that I like him more than I used to, which will be really important to him, I know. It could be arguesd that the 4-0 scoreline to the Germans puts England's performance in a new light - it doesn't really as England were still terrible and today, Argentina were just as bad.

The 7.30 game was Spain v Paraguay. A shit first half can be summarised by saying that Paraguay worked incredibly hard, closing Spain down high up the pitch and Spain couldn’t string three passes together. Passing the ball to Fernando Torres was the footballing equivalent of pissing in the wind – nothing happens and you end up feeling unhappy. Paraguay in fact had the better chances without ever looking like scoring. The opening 10 minutes of the second half was all Spain until Paraguay got a free kick and tossed the ball into the mixer, where Pique grabbed Cardozo on the arm and threw him on the ground like a wrestling throw. Absolutely ridiculous and a definite penalty given away by a player who, no matter how many medals he wins for Barcelona and Spain, will always be a bit dodgy. Cardozo picked himself up and as he was waiting to take the pen, you could see fear in his face and it was no surprise to me that he missed, though it was a pretty smart stop from Casillas. Spain went straight up the other end which sparked one of the worst sequences of refereeing I think I have ever seen.

1. David Villa breaks through, gets into the penalty area and dives – the ref gives a penalty
2. Having given a penalty, it has to be a red card – the ref gives a yellow
3. Alonso takes the penalty and scores – the ref orders a re-take, there is maybe one Spain player a foot inside the box. Technically a correct decision but daft.
4. Alonso retakes and Villar saves it, Fabregas gets to the rebound first and Villar carts him up in the air for a clear penalty - ref gives a corner.

Spain were the only team who seemed intent on winning it and there was an air of inevitability about the goal which arrived on 82 minutes. Following a lovely bit of triangles between Iniesta, Fabregas and Xavi, Iniesta rolled in Pedro who hit the post with the rebound falling to Villa who curled it onto the inside of the opposite post, along the line, onto the other post and in. Paraguay had one chance when Casillas spilled a tame long effort into the path of Santa Cruz who really should have buried the rebound but his shot hit the keepers foot and Paraguay were out.

A look back at my Quarter Final predictions reveals the following:

I said – “Uruguay to beat Ghana 2-1. Could well go to extra time and deep down, I hope I’m wrong here and Ghana go through.” – Pretty close really though they won on penalties instead of with the extra time goal. There had been the predictable bellyaching about Suarez being a cheat and all that which is true but a bollocks thing to complaining about. I have to admit though, I found his parading about the pitch on the shoulders of his team mates a bit distasteful.

I said – “Brazil to beat Holland 2-0 as the Brazilians look very good when they have their full side out, which of course, they will have in this game” – Totally fucking wrong, FAILED.

I said – “Argentina to beat Germany 2-0. Like with Holland v Brazil, I can’t see the European side defending well enough to stop the South Americans scoring. The German defence looks dodgy when got at and you can be sure that Tevez, Messi and Higuain will get to it. You can also be sure that Argentina won’t defend like England did.” – Ho, ho, ho…Argentina completely defended like England did and I hang my prediction head in shame.

I said – “Spain to beat Paraguay 1-0 in a similar game to Spain v Portugal, right down to David Villa scoring the winner.” – Well I couldn’t have got his more right if I tried.

So, we have Semi Finals of Uruguay v Holland and Spain v Germany. Prediction time.

Holland to beat Uruguay 2-1. The Dutch should have enough to beat the Uruguayans but both teams are steady rather than spectacular. Both have good forward players and both are a bit dodgy at the back but I feel that Uruguay will miss Suarez up front, especially if they replace him with Abreu, who is a big immobile lump.

Germany to beat Spain on penalties. The Germans have proved that they are the best counter attacking team in the World Cup and make no mistake, Spain will have a lot of the ball and be doing most of the pressing. I anticipate Spain playing Fabregas instead of the dreadfully dreadful Torres and thus having more midfielders to counter this particular German threat. Busquets will be very important, trying to keep a lid on Ozil and Schweinsteiger and I wonder if he’s good enough to do that. Again, both defences are not all that great so it could be a case of who cracks first. Too close to call really and if it goes to penalties, you know who is going to win….

World Cup Part 15 - Look Wot You Dung!!!

Picture of Dunga often used in Brazilan Press.

FRIDAY 2nd JULY

Quarter Final Day 1 and first up was Holland v Brazil in a match that could be a classic and it could be an attack v defence training game bore. The game got what it needed in the 10th minute when Robinho latched onto a through ball and the nearest Dutch defender may as well have been in Amsterdam as he stroked it first time past Stekelenberg The rest of the first half was a case of Brazil hammering on the door and the Dutch just about keeping them out which was surprising, given that their two centre backs are ‘average’ Premier League players in Heitinga and Ooijer. Mind you, England had several ‘good’ premier League players and look where that got us. Kaka’s curled effort brought a brilliant save from Stekelenberg and right on half time, Dani Alves rolled the ball into the path of Maicon who had visions of Carlos Alberto 1970 in his eyes as he fired wide.

Having not created much at all in the first half, it was a major surprise when Holland equalised. Robben stayed on his feet and laid back to Schneijder who crossed into the box. In truth he overhit it and it was keepers ball all day long but with Julio Cesar didn’t call or Felipe Melo ignored him and the latter flicked it into the net as the keeper missed his punch. It goes down as an own goal but for me it’s a big keeper error as he gets nowhere near it. Back came Brazil and Kaka had all the time in the world to measure a sidefoot volley which drifted wide which he regretted soon after as a Robben corner was flicked on by Kuyt for Schneijder , all five foot two of him, to head home.

Remember when you were a kid and you played a team that never lost and when you beat them, they just lost their rag because they weren’t used to it? Well, Brazil found themselves behind which they hardly ever do and so Felipe Melo decided to make things even more difficult by pointlessly stamping on Robben. I know he’s annoying and he’s been diving about all game but doing that is one of the more fuckwitted things you will see at this or any World Cup. Off you go. The remaining 20 minutes were interesting in that Holland had chances to score more but ballsed up the final pass and aside from one corner which Stekelenberg missed when it sailed across the goal about three yards out, Brazil didn’t do much and so, big shock, Brazil out and Holland through. Fair play to the Dutch for a gutsy win and spare a thought for Dunga who was never the most popular with the Brazilian press anyhow. Imagine the English tabloids if he was England manager with a name like Dunga…

Uruguay versus everyone’s new favourite team in the evening match and I personally was expecting a Uruguay win as I couldn’t see Ghana putting in two performances in a row. The first half was pretty dull before springing to life in injury time, due to a 35 yarder from a player who the manager wanted to send home earlier in the tournament. Sulley Muntari picked it up just over halfway, lumbered forward a bit and let fly from miles out. Keeper Muslera took two steps to his right before watching the ball veer the other way and end up beating him to the left. This reopens the Jubulani debate again as did the Uruguay equalizer when Forlan’s free kick was heading to the near post before turning right and flying in at the far post which goalkeeper Kingson disappearing up his own arse, trying to change direction in mid air. It looked great but it’s a joke really – there is no way Forlan know the ball was going to do that and there was no chance of Kingson stopping it. In short, it was a fluke as it could have gone anywhere so we have a World Cup Quarter Final being decided on who gets lucky. A couple of chances for Suarez of Uruguay before 90 minutes was up, one into the side netting after a brilliant cross from Forlan and one tipped over by Kingson who showed good reactions to palm over.

Extra time and everyone (including Marcel Desailly) seemed to think that Ghana would tire but they were the better side throughout the extra half and hour and were pressing as we entered the 120th minute. A cross into the box, Muslera comes and flaps and the ball falls to Appiah who smashes it goalwards which Suarez somehow clears it as far as Adiya who heads goalwards where two Uruguayans try to handball it and Suarez succeeds and is duly sent off. The referee signals that it will be the last kick like something out of Ry of the Rovers and Asamoah Gyan, who has already score two penalties in the tournament, steps up and hits the bar and over. You oculd have heard a termite fart for a second before the ref blew to signal the penalty shootout.

I knew that Ghana were now going to lose and so it came to pass that despite Gyan making up for his miss, Uruguay win the shootout 4-2 with Abreu, who looks like he’s homeless, chipping the winning penalty into the middle of the net like a complete arrogant bastard. Ghana’s two misses in the shootout were bloody terrible as Mensah, the brute of a centre half, took a one pace run up and took a penalty that a five year old girl could have hit harder. Adiya’s miss was not as bad but again, he didn’t hit it hard enough to make the keeper have to do anything special – if he went the right way, he saved it. Perez missed one for Uruguay – I think he was trying to kick it back to Montevideo.

So, Holland v Uruguay in the World Cup Semi Final – you wouldn’t have bet on that. Ghana have been brilliant and England could learn a lot from them about playing as a team and having pride in the shirt. Sadly, all Ghana have picked up from the English game is how to lose penalty shootouts but they really should have gone through with the pen in the 120th minute. They must be gutted – not even England have managed to go out in that fashion. Uruguay's Suarez will get some flak for punching the ball off the line but show me a fan who'd condemn a player who did that for their own team in that situation and I'll show you a big far wobbly dangly liar.

World Cup Part 14 - Nowt so Queiroz Folk

Oi Ronaldo, get back in defence like the other ten !!!

TUESDAY 29th JUNE

The last day of 2nd round matches saw Japan play Paraguay and an Iberian Derby game between Spain and Portugal. As a rule, the knockout matches had been more open than then group games but Paraguay v Japan was not. If it was a Subbuteo match (look it up if you’re under 30) then both teams would have been lined up in their own half, the ball put on the centre spot and then no one was allowed to flick a player at the ball for 90 minutes. Talk about bloody boring. Paraguay to be fair were trying to play the football but Japan looked the more dangerous when they broke out and Matsui crashed a great shot against the bar before Honda shanked a left footed shot wide when he rally should have passed it. The Subbuteo didn’t improve in the 2nd half and if ever a game was destined for penalties, this was it. Fast forward to the end of extra time and at 3-2 to Paraguay, the Japanese left back Komono, hit the bar before Cardozo slotted in the winning pen. Even the penalty shoot-out was boring with no keeper getting anywhere near making a save. It was a shame for Japan who played some great stuff against Denmark but instead of being liberated by the knockout phase, they just got unadventurous and it kind of served them right a bit.

Spain were on fire at the start v Portugal with Torres and Villa twice going close, only to be denied by Eduardo in the Portuguese goal. Master tactician Carlos Queiroz had gone with his tried and tested 6-3-(thirty yards)-Ronaldo formation and the pattern of the game was set. Spain would have all the possession and try to play their way through a massed defence and when they failed, Portugal would break and try to get Ronaldo on the ball and hope he’d do something spectacular. The referee was brilliant in the first half as any time a player went down in any way theatrically, he didn’t give it. It was really funny seeing Ronaldo getting booted everywhere and not being given any free-kicks. It was all Spain but Villa was playing wide left and not seeing much of the ball and Torres was having a shocker – clearly not fit and not confident in his own ability to go past people, much like Wayne Rooney. Portugal’s breaks brought a couple of chances as Casillas looked dodgy when he spooned a long shot up into the air and just about recovered before the lump Almeida headed in. Casillas had another brown trousers moment a few minutes later when Ronaldo’s free kick moved seven different ways before bouncing off his chest and falling to safety. Half time 0-0.

You knew that the second half was going to continue along the same pattern unless someone did something and it really came down to the managers. On the hour mark, Del Bosque took off the ineffective Torres and replaced him with Llorente and Quieroz, in a show of tactical wizardry, took off Almeida, the only player giving Ronaldo any support. Within seconds, Llorente had a free header when he connected with a Ramos cross but again, Eduardo saved and the Villa fired narrowly wide after linking up with the new arrival. The bustling substitute had upset the Portuguese defence in exactly the same way as Emile Heskey doesn’t and then another flowing passing move – Iniesta into Xavi, little back heel to Villa, shoots, saved by Eduardo, back to Villa, chips the rebound in off the bar. Brilliant finish.

Of course, then Portugal had to play and they created absolutely sod all for the rest of the match and all that happened was that as they committed men forwards, Spain had more space and were always the more likely to score with Sergio Ramos going to closest, forcing another brilliant save out of Eduardo. Portugal had some decent performers with the keeper and Contrao, the left back standing out but creatively, they were bankrupt. They managed to get a man sent off in the last minute for a flailing arm at Capdevila (who is a big girls blouse) and that was it for Portugal and good riddance. It reminded me of England’s 2002 exit when we had half an hour against Brazil, 2-1 down against 10 men and didn’t manage a shot. We didn’t even have a go and nor did Portugal today. They were playing for penalties from the first minute and had no game plan for when they conceded. I hope Queiroz (like Capello) has a decent watertight contract because when you have talented players and totally fail to get the best out of them and you are in charge of a major football nation, then it usually only ends one way.

Well, let’s revisit my Round 2 predictions in true ‘Lawro on the BBC’ fashion. My predictions in brackets.

Uruguay 2 South Korea 1 (Uruguay 2-0 – pretty close)
Ghana 2 USA 1 aet (Ghana on pens after a 1-1 – pretty close again)
Holland 2 Slovakia 1 (Holland by 2 or more – last minute pen did for me)
Brazil 3 Chile 1 (Brazil just – OK, it was comfortable)
Argentina 3 Mexico 1 (Argentina 3-0, bloody consolation goal!)
Germany 4 England 1 (2-1 to England – patriotic stupidity exposed!!!)
Paraguay 0 Japan 0, 5-3 on pens (Japan 1-0, wrong…)
Spain 1 Portugal 0 (Spot on!!!, I said Portugal would be really cagey… and lose)

Now to the Quarters:-

Uruguay to beat Ghana 2-1 as Ghana have a couple of suspensions at the back and I back Suarez and Forlan to be just too much for Ghana. Could well go to extra time and deep down, I hope I’m wrong here and Ghana go through.
Brazil to beat Holland 2-0 as I just can’t see Holland defending well enough to stay in the game. Mr Stekelenberg could be in for a busy game as the Brazilians look very good when they have their full side out, which of course, they will have in this game.
Argentina to beat Germany 2-0. Like with Holland v Brazil, I can’t see the European side defending well enough to stop the South Americans scoring. The German defence looks dodgy when got at and you can be sure that Tevez, Messi and Higuain will get to it. You can also be sure that Argentina won’t defend like England did.
Spain to beat Paraguay 1-0 in a similar game to Spain v Portugal, right down to David Villa scoring the winner.

So, my predicted semi finals are Uruguay v Brazil and Argentina v Spain.

Oh yeah, England in the news again and Sepp Blatter has said sorry to us for Frank’s disallowed goal. Bit late for that you snivelling fuck though I suppose we may now get awarded 2018 out of sympathy.

It was further over than that, you wanker !!!

And finally, Some England perspective from Ireland, oddly enough. Have a look at this from Roy Keane, especially the bit near the end when he goes through the list of England players and tells you how many of them had a good season in the Premiership last year.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2010/8773716.stm

Here's a very good atricle from the Irish Times, especially the bit about Thomas Mueller

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/sport/2010/0629/1224273557820.html

World Cup Part 13 - The Day after the Shite Before

She's happy, so am I.

MONDAY 28th JUNE

Holland v Slovakia in the afternoon game, a game for which I and everyone everywhere in any part of the world that was not Slovakia, predicted a Dutch win. Arjen Robben made his first start so many of the spread betting companies would have been running their Robben specials:- Minute of first injury, minute of first blatant dive and maybe even minute of first goal. The Dutch had been steady and not spectacular in their games so far but they’d won the lot so at the end of the day, I doubt they care much. This was likely to be more of the same and so it proved as the Slovak defence allowed Robben to cut onto the only foot he can kick with and true to form, he lashed the Dutch in front on 18 minutes. The rest of the first half was pretty tame but the second half opened out with the Slovaks having good chances through Stoch which was well tipped over by Stekelenberg in the Dutch goal and through Vittek who never looked like he believed he could score. All the Slovakia attacks were coming via the managers son Weiss, who despite looking about 14, looked a very decent player. Game over with ten minutes to go as the Slovak keeper came rushing out with no plan or idea and Dirk Kuyt beat him to the ball before squaring to Schneijder to fire into an empty net. Slovakia probably deserved a goal and duly got one though a last minute penalty by Vittek to give him four goals for the tournament.

He’s one of my hate figures but I have to say, in the interest of fairness, that Dirk Kuyt had a brilliant game. Ok, he’s taken over from Ruud Van Nistelrooy as the ugliest Dutch player but he was excellent today nonetheless. Talking of ugly players and again with a Liverpool connection – Martin Skrtel, bloody hell. He shouldn’t be allowed to play in any match that kicks off before 9pm in case there are kids watching.

To the evening and Brazil v Chile. Brazil, near as dammit, had their first XI on the pitch and what a difference to the last match. Juan, the centre half who should have been suspended, opened the scoring on the half hour with a thumping header from a Maicon corner and though you could argue that Chile were having most of the possession and looking good, Brazil never looked like conceding (which reminded me of England not) and always carried a threat themselves. This was illustrated five minutes later when Robinho broke away at pace on the left, fed the ball into Kaka who weighted a brilliant pass into Luis Fabiano who went round the keeper and slotted for 2-0. Brilliant goal. Half time came and went but we were all done on the hour when Ramires ran through three half headrted challenges before the ball broke to Robinho to curl it first time into the corner. Another brilliant finish and game over. Chile kept going in the quest to get the goal they deserved but not to be and Brazil through to play Holland in the Quarters. Interestingly, most observers seem to think that Howard Webb had a decent match refereeing this so maybe England do have a chance of getting to the final after all. With all due respect Howard, it’s just not the same…

Meanwhile in Rustenberg, Fabio Capello is facing the media and offering up player tiredness as an excuse and admitting that he spoke to his boss at the FA and said he wants to stay on. The FA are taking two weeks to decide which means they are looking to see if they can afford to sack him having removed the ‘fuck off with no compensation’ clause just before the tournament started. If memory serves, didn’t they do that with Sven Goran Eriksson before Euro 2004 where we were similarly shite. Joking aside, I expect they’re weighing up where they could get anyone who could do better. Certainly, no one could be better qualified than Capello but as I said yesterday, he lost the plot when it mattered most. Interesting to think back to Eriksson who also, always did well in qualification before being as useful as an ash tray on a motorbike in the tournaments… makes you think that it must be the players who either can’t handle the pressure, are too knackered or who just aren’t good enough to play against the really good sides. Certainly though, I feel that there are managers out there who could have got more out of our players and though I hate to endorse him, Harry Redknapp is the one who springs to mind. If Capello is gone in a couple of weeks though, expect the tax evasion case against ‘Arry to miraculously fall apart….

Our fans have been praised though for being well behaved which is nice though I bet there was at least one incident last night of a German fan being hospitalised with a Vuvuzela sticking out of his arse.

A circus midget sucking on two golf tees.

World Cup Part 12 - Ok Franz, you were right.

When is a goal, not a goal... ?

SATURDAY 27TH JUNE

Due to England making a balls of the group and finishing second, here we are playing a team we didn’t really want to be playing this early in the competition, Germany in the 2nd round. The mood in the camp seemed to be confident because England were improving and the Germans weren’t as good as they’d looked in beating a desperately poor Australia side 4-0. Also, the German team was very young and our players were at their peak and we had every reason to be optimistic.

Capello had picked the same team as he did for the Slovenia match so Upson was preferred to the fit again King and free from suspension Carragher and Steve Gerrard was again out left with Jermain Defoe up front with Rooney. This was the game when Rooney would fire and actually do something….

For the first twenty minutes, England looked OK-ish and had some decent possession without ever looking like scoring. It was all a bit pedestrian though midfield and the balls upto Defoe and Rooney were not sticking, allowing the Germans to clear without too many problems. Worryingly, on their one foray forward, Klose had got through and James had had to pull off a sharp stop. So, 20 minutes gone and the ball with with Neuer in the German goal and about 5 seconds later it was in our net as his big punt forward sailed over Terry who was in totally the wrong place and bounced ahead of Upson who was not covering behind him. Klose got in, easily holding off Upson to slide the ball past James. An absolutely disgraceful goal to concede. Rule Number 1 of central defending – don’t let the fucking ball bounce, Rule Number 2 – one goes up for the header, one covers behind.

Ten minutes later and it’s even worse as Ozil breaks down the German right where Ashley Cole is nowhere to be seen. Firstly, Upson comes charging out of the middle and overcommits, the ball is slipped to Klose and Terry overcommits as well. So, 3 England defenders out of the game and Johnson has to come across and he gets cut out as Klose slips it to Podolski who has enough time to have a shite first touch before rifling the ball under James and in off the far post. 2-0 and more shit defending.

We needed to score before half time and duly did when Milner’s short corner was crossed by Gerrard for Upson to head home. 55 seconds later were were in dreamland as Defoe fought for a loose ball on the edge of the German box and it popped up for Lampard to cushion a volley over Neuer and in off the bar. Everyone in the ground be they German or English knew it was over the line as did everyone watching on TV around the World. Everyone knew on the first viewing that it was over – except the fucker from Uruguay with the whistle and the fucker from Uruguay with the flag. Meanwhile, the Germans are up our end having a shot in a situation eerily similar to Argentina in 98 when Sol Campbell scored, England had 5 off the pitch celebrating and the Argentines were up our end going for goal. The TV replays confirmed what we all know… it was a good two foot behind the line, miles over, not even close. Half time 2-1 down but still in it and hopefully to be spurred on by the injustice of it all.

England started the second half well and piled on the pressure with the German defence featuring Crouch-a-like Mertersacker creaking under the strain. We got a free kick on the edge of the box when Defoe was fouled on 52 minutes and Lampard for once got it somewhere near the goal, only for it to ping off the bar with Neuer beaten. It’s not going to happen is it… Fifteen minutes later we have nother free kick and this time Lamps fires it into the wall – and ten seconds later it’s in our fucking net again. The ball rebounds off the wall to Barry who instead of hitting it or controlling it, fucks it up and gives it away. Mueller races away and feed Schweinsteiger who carries it forward and returns it to Mueller who smashes it in. There will be some criticism of David James for the goal as it seemed to go through him but hang on a minute, the guy had a free shot from about 10 yards. This goal was totally 100% down to Gareth Barry who is our defensive midfielder, our insurance, our protector of the back 4. Firstly he gave the ball away in a position far too far forward from where he should have been and as Mueller scores, you notice that the midfielder flying in to try and stop him is Frank Lampard and Barry isn’t even in the fucking shot.

Five minutes later it’s all over as another lightning break down our right become critical as Ozil gives Barry a 10 yard start in a 12 yard race a beats him before carrying it forward and squaring for Mueller to score again. Four fucking one and we’re done, game over. Gerrard manages to force a decent save out of Neuer in the closing minutes of the game but we were all done. Capello then made a couple of abysmal substitutions to finish us off. You need to score 3 goals in 15 minutes so what you need is to bring on a striker who never scores, and on plods Heskey. Of course, to feed the striker who never scores you need a winger who can’t beat anyone and can’t cross the ball – so on comes Shaun Wright-Phillips.

David James 8 – Kept us in it in the first half and our best player by a mile despite letting in four goals. Felt sorry for him because of the carnage going on in front of him.
Glen Johnson 3 – Can’t defend for shit, not good enough against decent opposition.
Ashley Cole 4 – best of a bad bunch defensively
John Terry 3 – Had a hand in the first three German goals with bad positioning. Needs a quick, right footed partner to play with.
Matthew Upson 2 – Never an international footballer in a million years.
James Milner 3 – One good cross, deservedly subbed, too slow all game.
Gareth Barry 1 – Garbage. He is not a defensive midfielder. Could maybe do a job as one of two holding midfielders but totally bypassed by the much quicker Germans.
Frank Lampard 6 – thought he did Ok today, scored a perfectly good goal and hit the bar. At least looked like he cared.
Steven Gerrard 5 – not too bad but some dreadful shooting in the second half when there were others better palced. Has not mastered the Jubulani and doesn’t seem to be shoot with it.
Wayne Rooney 1 – Crap, complete crap. Lets not kid ourselves we’d have been any better with Rooney up front on his own – he would still have been shit and there wouldn’t have been anyone near him to pick up all the balls that bobbled off him. He cannot have had four games in a row that bad in his life and we would have done better with Crouch and Defoe up front in all four matches. Biggest let down of the tournament. You’re only as good as your strikers and that means we were shit.
Jermain Defoe 4 – never got a sniff but at least tried hard.
Joe Cole 2 – Came on, gave the ball away, bugger all else.
Emile Heskey 0 – don’t think he touched the ball. There are 50 centre forwards playing up and down the country who are better than this crock of shit.
Shaun Wright-Phillips ? - didn’t play long enough but hif he had, he would have got no more than a 2 because that’s his level.

Fabio Capello – where do you go from here ? I’ve been a big Fabio fan since he came into the job but he’s lost the plot since we qualified. Some truly baffling decisions culminating with todays substitutions. To me, the make up of the squad was poor and the balance of the team was all wrong. We only take 4 strikers and one of them is Heskey who never scores and another is Crouch who is not going to get much game time even though he scores loads of goals. We then leave Walcott at home who can also play as a striker and take Lennon and SWP who are one trick ponies on he right wing. We play our best midfielder out on the left which is fine against crap sides but exposed against decent sides, we have no natural left winger in the squad, we have no decent defensive midfield platform, we have no pace in the centre of defence and even a fit Rio wouldn’t have sorted that one out. The list is endless and a lot of it has to be down to the manager. Build a fucking team, not a collection of individuals. We got away with all this shit and looked good in qualifying because the teams we played were, on the whole, poor. Germany are not poor, they aren’t fantastic either but they are a damn sight better than us.

Germany will play Argentina in the Quarter Final after they predictably blitzed Mexico 3-1. They had a scare early on when Salcido smashed one against the bar but once Tevez gave them the lead the result was never in doubt. The Tevez goal was another farce as he was about five yards offside when he scored. No real issue until they replayed it on the big screen at the ground and everyone saw that it was offside including the ref and lino but they couldn’t change their mind and the goal had to stand. Mexico then imploded as Assorio made a complete balls of a pass across the top of his own box and Higuain nipped in, rounded the keeper and scored. Ten minutes after half time and Tevez showed everyone how the smash the Jubulani and rocketed a shot into the top corner from 25 yards for what for me, is the goal of the tournament so far. Hernandez scored a consolation for Mexico but they were never coming back from that.

When I wrote about the Thierry Henry handball in the France v Ireland playoff game I hoped that technology would now be used instead of continually finding shit reasons why not. Sepp Blatter refused because he is a complete arse. He authorises a new ball that is a fucking nightmare but today we hd a goal that was not given despite being miles over the line and one that was given even though it was proved to be wrong. Both England and Mexico would in all honesty, probably gone out anyway but had the correct decision been reached both times, Mexico would have been 0-0 v Argentina and England would have been 2-2 v Germany – and as we know, goals change games.

Of course, Franz Beckenbauer got to give another interview. Was he modest in victory or did he stick the boot in again like a smug tosser ? Yep. Mick Jagger supported his second losing team in two nights and runour has it that The National Lottery ar paying him to go support Germany in the next round...

World Cup Part 11 - Do the Desailly

A night on the piss with Mick Jagger or home to the wife ?

SATURDAY 26th JUNE

Straight into the ‘Round of the Last 16’ as all the TV commentators somewhat pompously call it. We’ve dispensed with the 12.30 kick offs and so we now have 3pm and 7.30pm which when I started watching football, were the only kick off times. None of this 5.45 bollocks back then. Uruguay and South Korea were first up and I’m still having trouble looking at the draw and realising that one semi finalist is going to be out of these two teams, Ghana and the USA. No point in fretting now but of course, England should be where the USA are but like I said… no point in fretting through gritted teeth or otherwise.

Uruguay started the stronger and looked the more likely and soon took the lead as Forlan crossed low from the left and the keeper kind of went for it and then didn’t and then fell over and almost left it – all of which gave Luis Suarez a tap in on the back post. Either sie of half time, the Koreans were the better side and deservedly equalised when Lee Chung Yong beat Muslera (the Uruguay goalkeeper) and headed home for the first goal Uruguay have conceded. Twenty minutes to go and all to play for but it was Uruguay who won with a quite brilliant goal from Suarez who created space for himself on the edge of the box and curled a right footed shot, in off the far post. His celebration was good too, running off behind the goal and leaping over the photographers. I thought he looked crap in the first couple of games as well and he’s now equal tournament top scorer with 3.

The evening game saw the final African representatives, Ghana, playing England…. Sorry, the USA. I’ve managed to steer clear of local English League stuff mostly in the World Cup blogs but….. after five minutes, Kevin-Prince-Skate-Bastard ran through from the half way line and placed a shot inside the near post of the badly position Tourette Tim who said ‘bugger, fuck, near post, shit, wank, bad positioning, twat, bollocks’. Having pointed out the ‘DAVID VILLA’ thing yesterday, why the fuck does the soon-to-be-ex-Skate have ‘PRINCE’ on the back of his shirt. The rest of the first half was a bit nip and tuck but in the second, following a couple of substitutions, the Americans were much better and it seemed a matter of time before they equalised which they duly did as Dempsey was hacked down in the box and Donovan converted the spot kick via the inside of the post. A word on Dempsey… he’s a big old unit, good in the air and strong but he’s a big fucking girl. The super slo-mo high def replays highlight this as you can see he’s pulling a ridiculous ‘pain face’ before the Ghanian has even touched him. He always follows this up by lying on the ground for a few minutes. Be a man you tosser. Other replays show Bill Clinton giving it large. He’s in a private box but we don’t know who she is. Also celebrating like a mad man is well known American, Mick Jagger from the American state of Kent.

90 minutes and extra time starts and the Americans look the stronger but their Achilles hell (crap defence) comes to the party when a big punt forward brings a challenge between Gyan and Bocanegra. Bocanegra tries to barge him over and actually nuts him but Gyan stands up and lashes a left footer over Tourette Tim for 2-1. Brilliant strike and one which Dempsey would never have made because he’d have been lying on the ground with his pain face on. The Americans are a bit of a busted flush now and have a couple of half chances but the Ghana keeper, Richard Kingson and the whole defence and midfield play superbly for the remainder of extra time and they hang on. Brilliant and Africa goes nuts… none more so than Marcel Desailly who is dancing around and not making too much sense in his excitement as befits a man who won 116 International Caps. Think how excited he would have been if he’d won them for Ghana instead of France after deciding to play for them instead of his country of birth. To be fair – he was only 4 when he moved to France and learned all his football there.

Anyhow, I predicted both the winners so hopefully that will continue tomorrow….

Bring it on…. and now over the Franz Beckenbauer for the England team talk.

World Cup Part 10 - The Brazilian Way

She's bored... but who cares

FRIDAY 25th JUNE

Brazil v Portugal was supposed to be the match of the tournament – well it certainly was the most attractive looking fixture in the groups. Trouble is that neither team needed to win and neither team seemed too bothered about winning. In short – it was shit and like a training game. Brazil nearly fluked it in the last minute when a hopelessly off target shot was nearly deflected over the keeper but this would have been an accident. Talking point of the game was when Brazil’s Juan blatantly handled, denying Ronaldo a run on goal. There’s only one decision available to the ref at this point and it’s a red card… but he bottled it and went for yellow so I hope it’s his last game. A sending off at that point may have made it interesting but as it was…. Boredom and apathy. Brazil had rested a couple and the players who came in looked very very ordinary… Julio Baptista… he was average years ago when he played for Arsenal. On the sideline, Dunga was doing his nut and Carlos Queiroz was standing there, smug personified. I don't like him and this comes from the year he spent doing Sir Alex's post match interviews for him.

There were some losers as a result of the bore draw, other than the fans who’d paid to watch. They were the Ivory Coast who needed a Brazil win and a goal avalanche against North Korea to get them thorough. They won 3-0 but it didn’t matter, though there was a fantastic piece and control and shot from Drogba which led directly to the 2nd goal.

The last group to be finished saw Spain v Chile and Switzerland v Honduras. Despite havnig won their opening two games, Chile were vulnerable as if they lost, Switzerland only needed to beat Honduras by two goals. Spain had to win to make sure of progressing and they got a decent start on 25 minutes when the keeper came out and tackled Torres on the edge of the box and the clearance fell straight to David Villa who thumped it back first time into the empty net from 40 yards. Pardon my ignorance but why does David Villa have 'DAVID VILLA' on the back of his shirt and not just 'VILLA' ? Anyhow, 2-0 quarter of an hour later as Inesta passed in a lovely shot rom the edge of the box. In the build up to this goal, Torres had been tripped off the ball by a Chilean defender who had already been booked so 2-0 and 10 men. Chile got one back after half time when Millar's shot was deflected by Pique but around the hour mark, with the other game still being 0-0, everyone seemed to settle for a 2-1 win for Spain and it all went to shit and keep ball broke out. Spain are pretty good at keeping the ball anyway but they're especially good at keeping it in their half when all the Chileans are in their own half. Pretty bloody poor really.

So, Spain won 2-1 and the bloody boring Swiss couldn't manage a goal against honduras and drew 0-0 meaning Spain and Chile deservedly go through and now we know the last 16. My predictions are as follows...

1. Uruguay to beat South Korea 2-0 - with Forlan and Suarez up front, Uruguay have the firepower to dispose of South Korea who both score and let in quite a few. Don't think much of the Koreans who were lucky they had the truly dreadful Greeks and Nigerians in their group.
2. Ghana to beat USA on penalties after a 1-1 draw - maybe I'm being a bit optimistic here because Ghana have only scored two goals and both of them were penalties. I think I just don't want the USA getting into the last 8 and it would be cool if an African team kept going.
3. Holland to beat Slovakia by more than two- as close to a 'gimme' as you're going to get. The Dutch haven't been tested defensively as yet and they won't here either.
4. Brazil to beat Chile - but only just. Brazil won't be as bad as today but the Chileans have a lot of talent and are a little unhinged so I predict a riot. The return of man city reject, Robinho and Elano should make Brazil function better, as will the return of that Kaka bloke.
5. Argentina to beat Mexico 3-0- the Argies are just too strong. Mexico are a tidy side but I can see them getting blown away here. Messi hasn't scored yet, bet he does here....
6. England to beat Germany 2-1 - they're not great and I'm sure we won't go in with an inferiority complex. The same staring XI as the Slovenia game should see us nick this one. Like Messi, Rooney is waiting to go. Hopefully, stupid, burnt out England will kick and rush their way into the quarter finals. This last sentence brough to you by Franz Beckenbauer (who is now in 'damage limitation' mode).
7. Japan to beat Paraguay 1-0 - though Paraguay play some decent stuff, I see Japan winning as they have more of a cutting edge up front with Honda and Endo and Paraguay need 15 chances to score a goal.
8. Spain to beat Portugal 1-0 and that Ronaldo ponce to be blubbing like a baby at the end. Portugal have not shown that they can attack against anyone other than North Korea and I expect them to be rally cagey... and lose.

So - my predicted quarter finals are... Uruguay v Ghana, Holland v Brazil, Argentina v England and Japan v Spain

World Cup Part 9 - Heroes to Zeroes

What do you mean, "Save it" ?

THURSDAY 24th JUNE

Group F’s final two games were Italy v Slovakia and New Zealand v Paraguay. Italy were in an identical position to England the night before, in that they had to win or go home. Both the Italians and the Slovakians are not the most exciting of teams so I was expecting a dour 1-0 to Italy but the cat went amongst the proverbial pigeons when a dreadful square pass across the back 4 by de Rossi was intercepted, one pass, goal for Vittek. It got worse for the Italians just after half time as Vittek nipped in front of the dozing Chiellini and scored at the near post. Italy, as they do, got a bit of urgency with the introduction of Pirlo and Quagliarella which sound like a fancy ice-cream flavour. It all went nuts in the last 10 minutes with first di Natale pulling one back to put the Italians within one goal of qualifying. A minute later it was in the net again via the Ice Cream boy but the dodgy English linesman had his flag up for offside. Quagliarella’s leg was in front of the last defender when the ball was crossed which is offside if (and this is a big if) that rule that was introduced about ‘daylight’ doesn’t still apply. A few years ago, when they kept pissing about with the offside rule, I’m sure that it was modified to give the benefit to the attacker and say that there had to be daylight between attacker and defender to be given offside.

Fresh from the heartbreak of having a goal disallowed, the Italians defended a throw in like a school team and allowed a midfielder to burst onto the throw and chip the keeper for 3-1. Italy usually have the excellent and imposing Buffon in goal but he’s injured and the replacement Marchetti looks like a performing dwarf from a circus. Basically, he’s crap and I don’t think he’s actually saved an on target shot in the two and a half games he’s played. Ice cream boy pulled one back but it was by now the 93rd minute so out they went 3-2.

Whenever Italy go out there is always a case of what might have been. They were superb for the last 20 minutes going forward but it had taken them two games and 70 minutes to show any attacking momentum. Many of their squad will be retiring now so a word for Fabio Cannavaro who in the 2006 World Cup, was the best defender I’ve ever seen, bar none. He’s 36 now and this was one tournament too many for him but in his prime, what a player.

The other game finished 0-0 so New Zealand go out despite not losing a game. I wonder what the odds were on that happening. Paraguay go through as group winners though they will be concerned at their lack of a clinical finisher. They had all the play today but came up with a blank. Slovakia finish 2nd s that’s a nice 2nd Round game for Holland and Italy…. finish last… unlike with the French though, it doesn’t give me much pleasure to say that.

Denmark and Japan were both on three points going into the game against eachother, Holland were already through and were playing Cameroon who were already out. One of the features of the World Cup has been the much maligned Jubulani ball and the fact that no one can take a free kick with it without ballooning it out of the park. Enter the inscrutable Japananese and specifically, Honda who smashed one dead straight from 35 yards which Thomas Sorensen obligingly left a big gap for. On the half hour it was 2-0 as this time, Tommy boy lined up his wall in the wrong place, allowing Endo to nonchalantly curl one in from a similar distance. The Danes who needed to win to go through, tried to respond but had n idea aside from the hoof upto Bendtner, who was getting no change out of the Japanese central defence. Sorensen did his best to throw another one in at the start of the second half, fumbling a tame lob into the box, onto his own crossbar. The Danes had a great chance to pull one back when Tomasson had a free shot from 8 yards but trying an airshot and connecting only with your standing leg is not the way to go about it. He did manage a goal five minutes later but even then, he ballsed a penalty first and then bobbled the rebound apologetically into the net. It was if then, that Japan woke up and Honda tricked his way into the box and laid it on a plate for Okazaki to make it 3-1 and confirm Japan going through to face Paraguay.

In the meaningless match, Holland beat Cameroon 2-1 and the only thing of note really, was the appearance of the perma-injured Arjen Robben who came on as a sub and smashed a great shot against the post which rebounded to Huntelaar to steer in from a difficult angle for the winner. The win confirmed Holland in top spot, going through to play Slovakia. It would be rude not to mention Cameroon’s Rigobert Song who came on as a sub to play in his 4th World Cup, looking like a Rasta Father Christmas with blonde hair and beard…. Very odd.

The knockout draw is shaping up and one half of the draw, England’s half is looking not too clever. All we need now is Portugal to beat Brazil tomorrow and the Brazilians are in our half as well….. watch this space.

Unbelievably, Franz Beckenbauer has seen fit to open his trap again, apparently we're 'stupid' not to have won the group. It's not as if we did it on purpose mate... I think he's bricking it myself.

...

Now give it back and go home...