World Cup 2022 Part 3 - Groups E-H

No One Wants to See Germans Crying 😂

 Group E – Germany, Japan, Spain, Costa Rica

23/11/22
It’s that team in White, starting their campaign against Japan and will surely be a comfortable enough win for the team that always turns up for tournaments. Wrong, massively. Germany should’ve been out of sight in the first half but all they had show for it was a Gundogan penalty, won courtesy of a hilarious challenge by the Japanese goalkeeper who just dived into the back of a player. The Germans seem pretty much in control until, like Argentina against the Saudis, they were undone by two quickfire goals, the second one being a brilliant bit of control of a long ball and smashing it high into the net from a narrow angle. Absolutely marvellous stuff to see the Germans get beat.

It was compounded later as Spain annihilated Costa Rica 7-0. Spain looked good but Costa Rica looked even worse than Iran so I would imagine they are going to take hammerings in their last two games as well. This makes that particular group really interesting because you’ve got to expect Japan to beat Costa Rica and then Germany will play Spain knowing that unless they win, they are going home, knocked out the tournament in two games.  That would be a real shame.

27/11/22
Japan had one job to do. Japan just had to beat the team that have been beaten 7-0 in their first game. If Japan can beat Costa Rica then Germany are absolutely fucked.  Anyway, Japan didn’t win an even worse, they actually contrived to lose to Costa Rica who had one shot all game which looped over the Japanese goalkeeper who basically jumped downwards. It was horrific, not just for Japan, but for everyone who wanted the Germans to go out with no fuss.

So, with three teams on three points and Germany on nothing, Spain took on Germany and what turned out to be a really entertaining game. Germany thought they’d scored just before half-time through Antonio Rüdiger but much of the amusement of everyone who isn’t German, it was disallowed for a tight offside.  It all got slightly surreal in the second half as Álvaro Morata came off the bench for the second game running and managed to score. Germany’s substitute replied though with about seven minutes ago as Fullkrug smashed in an unstoppable shot which means that Germany go into the last game against Costa Rica, knowing that win will in all likelihood, put them through. You had one job Japan… and you fucked it for everyone.

1/12/22
The final matches were absolutely amazing. To start with, Germany took the lead against Costa Rica and when Spain went to head against Japan, it must be assumed that Spain and Germany were going to qualify. However, 10 minutes after half time and Japan had scored twice and Costa Rica had equalised.

It got even more amazing when Costa Rica went in front so as it stood at that particular time, Japan and Costa Rica were going through and Spain and Germany were going out. It was too much to hope for and in typical Germany fashion, they hit back to win 4-2 but it really didn’t matter as long as the Japan and Spain score stayed the same.  Spain were guilty of what they are often guilty of – pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, no cutting edge.  I do wonder if it crossed the mind of any Spanish players that unless Germany had scored a further six goals, they were through even with a defeat but fair play to them, they kept playing and kept the Japanese honest.

About that Winning Japanese Goal

The main controversy of course was the second Japanese goal. The original cross that was hooked back in before it was bundled into the net, looked over the line on first viewing and that’s what the linesman thought because he flagged and the referee initially disallowed the goal. VAR had other ideas though and despite no view being shown which proved that the ball wasn’t over the line, the goal was given. This could be classed as ‘outrageous’ or dare I say it ‘corrupt’ but I go with ‘hilarious’ because it ultimately is what knocked the Germans out.

As I said when they played Costa Rica, Japan had one job to do and that was to put the Germans out.  They did it, in the most roundabout, difficult way possible but they did it and go on to face Croatia in the last 16. Spain is reward for squeaking through is it going against Morocco which won’t be easy for them.

Group F – Belgium, Croatia, Morocco, Canada

Lovren Hits the Net, Lukaku Doesn't

23/11/22
The opening game of group F was a piss boring draw between Morocco and Croatia. Croatia are a team that are creaking and don’t seem to have any forwards so struggled to break down a well organised Morocco defence.  Perisic is still their best attacker, Modric at 37 their best midfielder and in Dejan Lovren, they have a defender of sorts. 0-0 and instantly forgettable.

Belgium and Canada saw the Canadians absolutely run the game in the first half but somehow go in 1-0 down as Michy Batshuayi actually kicked the ball in the right direction for once following a long ball that the Canadian defence obligingly missed. Belgium looked about as far away from being prospective tournament winners as you could possibly be. They still have Vertonghen and Alderweireld in defence and also Leander Dendoncker, who doesn’t even play there for his club. Axel Witsel continues to be a mystifying player and you wonder what on earth he actually does and they just looked very old and average and it’s sad seeing Eden Hazard as he is now, wrecked by so many injuries. Alphonso Davies missed a penalty for Canada and they should’ve had another one at the end of the first half but didn’t get it, just before the goal. The second half was more even but Canada ran out of legs and don’t seem to have a player who can stick a ball in the net.  With Belgium looking like it’s one tournament too many and Croatia the same, this is definitely the ‘Group of Life’.

27/11/22
Belgium took on Morocco, clearly hoping that the luck that was with them like it was when they beat Canada… and it wasn’t.  They actually didn’t have anything to thank luck for but Morocco won 2-0 and totally deserved to do so as the fraud Roberto Martinez got found out again by team that had more legs, more organisation and wanted to win more than the Red Devil’s Golden Generation. Honestly, the average Belgian is going to look back at this era of their national team when they are in the international wilderness in a few years and be like we are with England’s Golden Generation.  How the fuck didn’t we win anything with those players? Belgium’s answer will be Roberto Martinez in the same way that ours is Sven the Charlatan. 

There is a theme developing in this World Cup that if you get in the faces of the alleged best teams and make it difficult for them, they can’t handle it. Morocco didn’t give Belgium a second and totally deserved the win.  Canada must have been hoping for the same against Croatia but there was no shock, despite Canada taking the lead after two minutes through a superb Alphonso Davies header. Croatia didn’t panic and eventually run out easy 4-1 winners with ex-Leicester City flop Andrej Kramaric bagging a couple of goals. Belgium basically have to get something out of their game against Croatia or they are going home and about eight of their over 30s are heading into international retirement, along with Roberto Martinez.

1/12/22
All of the interest in the last round of games centred around the battle of the teams who were too old and therefore playing one tournament together too many. Croatia against Belgium was going on whilst Morocco were easily disposing of Canada 2-1 in the other game.

The game between the European Hasbeens was diabolical in the first half before coming to life with the second half and being slightly less diabolical. Croatia had a better approach play but Belgium created all the chances with second-half substitute Romelu Lukaku being guilty of about four glaring misses. I ended up feeling a bit sorry for him at the end but not for Roberto Martinez who has always been a fraud and like I said before, Belgium are going to so regret trusting him with their best generation of players. 0-0 it finished, so Croatia went through in second place behind group winners Morocco.

Group G – Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon

Massive Arsehole Scores Ridiculously Good Goal

24/11/22
Switzerland.  What’s the point? I mean seriously. Always qualify, always dull. The opening game against Cameroon was his dull as you’d expect until late Embolo goal, won it for the Swiss. Cameroon are similar to the Swiss in that they always seem to qualify but then do very very little.  Both the Swiss and the Cameroonians will be competing in a mini-league with Serbia to see who qualifies behind Brazil, who will more than likely win every game.  

The Serbs were the first to face Brazil and gave it a good go in the first half before being beaten by two Richarlison goals in the second half. Richarlison is of course a massive arsehole but the quality of his second goal was superb as he flicked it up for himself before scissor kicking it into the net from the edge of the box.  That has to be applauded, even though he’s an arsehole. Did I mention that he’s an arsehole?  Another arsehole, Neymar did very little and got substituted and Brazil looked a better side without him. They have a ridiculous array of attacking talent when you consider that Rodrygo, Anthony and Gabriel Jesus were all on the bench.  A bit like England really but Brazil’s manager will use them.

28/11/22
Serbia and Cameroon played out a very entertaining 3-3 draw with Serbia racing into a 3-1 lead before Cameroon hit back. Cameroon’s second goal is an outrageous scooped lob by Aboubakar (like that famous one Karel Poborsky scored) whilst everyone stopped waiting for it to be called offside. It was a ridiculously brilliant goal but his celebration was muted until after VAR confirmed he was onside. So, a point each in the mini league to finish second behind Brazil.

What’s the point of Switzerland? They turned up against Brazil and they tried to keep it tight and manage to do so but it was somewhat inevitable that Brazil would eventually score and the only surprise is that it came from Casemiro, who found himself in the Switzerland penalty area and smashed in a brilliant goal with a first time lash.

Second place behind Brazil will go to whoever wins the Serbia against Switzerland game in the final games.  That will have a bit of politics in it as well because Serbia have been dickheads as usual having an ‘Kosovo is Serbian’ flag seen in their changing room and Switzerland have Shaqiri and Xhaka, two ethnic Albanians, so all sorts of fun predicted in the last game. At least there will be a point to Switzerland in this game and I would imagine they will take second place in the group as Brazil will surely dispatch Cameroon.

2/12/22
With the Brazil and Cameroon game not having much riding on it, all the tension was on the Serbia against Switzerland game which was probably going to kick off at some point for political reasons. Anyhow, whilst the Brazil game was 0-0, Switzerland took the lead through little fat Xherdan Shaqiri before Serbia hit back through a Mitrovic header and a good finish by Vlahovic and took the lead to put themselves in a qualifying position.   Back came the Swiss however through Embolo and Freuler to lead 3–2. I have pondered in this World Cup what the point of Switzerland is and the point of Switzerland is to piss off Serbia and it all got very fractious in the last few minutes with Granit Xhaka in the centre of it as usual. With Serbia needing two goals, the game was up really on the news that Cameroon had nicked a last minute winner against Brazil reserves didn’t really change anything much. Brazil will play South Korea in the next round whereas Switzerland will take on Portugal. I have a feeling that Switzerland are the sort of team that Portugal will not enjoy playing against.

Group H – Portugal, Uruguay, Ghana, South Korea

Ghana lost, but Somehow Won in a Way

24/11/22
Group H started with a very dull goalless draw between Uruguay and South Korea. Uruguay look good on paper with a good blend of experienced and younger players but it never really happened against South Korea who probably, if anyone, should’ve won it. Not a lot to say about either team on that showing to be honest

Portugal are the team to dislike above all others at the moment. So many petulant arseholes in one squad. Diving around all over the fucking place and just generally being whining bastards. Oh and they have Ronaldo and he’s 37 and he can’t do what he used to do so now he is restricted solely to diving and he dived to good effect to win a penalty as Mohammed Salisu stuck his foot in rather daftly and gave him the chance to go over. I really hoped that when VAR was introduced that it would sort out this kind of shit but because of the “is it a clear and obvious error“, there’s always enough leeway to mean that the diving bastard gets away with it. Of course, he fucking scored. Back came Ghana though with an equaliser from Andre Ayew and it looked like we are up for storming end to the game until Portugal scored twice in five minutes. Whilst we all thought the game was done at that point, Ghana got another one back and then came in amazing incident last minute with the Portuguese keeper didn’t check behind him and didn’t notice that Iñaki Williams was loitering.  He rolled the ball out before the Williams nicked it off him and then slipped as he went to shoot. What a shame that was. Would’ve been absolutely fucking hilarious but as it was, the diving cheating petulant bastards got three points.

28/11/22
Ghana were first in action in the second round of matches, in a game they really had to win against South Korea and it looked like plain sailing for the West Africans with the mighty Southampton centre back Mohammed Salisu, scoring a slightly controversial opener. It was controversial because the pass to him him was basically thrown to him by Andre Ayew but cheers, Son’s crying.  Anyway, there was nothing controversial about the second Ghanaian goal by Mohammed Kudus. As with the previous game against Portugal, just when you think Ghana have got control of things, it completely went to shit and two headed goals by Cho, brought South Korea level only for Ghana to virtually go straight back up the other end and score again through Kudus with the assist being provided by a fantastic air shot by Inaki Williams which basically took out about four defenders.

Portugal against Uruguay was always going to be a dirge and the only surprise was that it wasn’t the game with the most extra time added in the tournament, given the theatrical and petulant nature of both of these teams. It looks like No Club Ronaldo had opened the scoring as he wheeled away celebrating that he was the greatest thing since sliced bread - but a quick replay showed that he had not actually touched Bruno Fernandes in-swinging cross so the player still at Manchester United got given the goal.  Both No-Club Ronnie and Piers Morgan were furious.  Bruno followed it up after another absolutely shambles of a VAR decision for handball gifted them a penalty. With No-Club Ronnie off the pitch, no doubt still waving his arms around about not being able to claim the goalie didn’t touch, Fernandes scored a penalty to give Portugal two wins out of two.

This group is of course all about who come second behind Portugal and you have to say that in Ghana are the favourites right now.

2/12/22
Ghana took on Uruguay and Portugal played South Korea in the last round of games.  Portugal were already through and any of the other three could still have made it but at the start of the game you would’ve said that the winners of the Ghana v Uruguay match would be favourites.

Portugal took an early lead in their game and Ghana had a glorious opportunity to do the same in theirs when the impressive Mohammed Kudus was carted over by the Uruguay goalkeeper.  Up stepped Andre Ayew to try and banish the memories of Asamoah Gyan in 2010 and he completely fucked it with a piss weak penalty that was easily saved. 10 minutes later and Uruguay, ironically inspired by the arch shithouse Luis Suárez, went two goals in front with two goals scored by de Arrascaeta.  Just as half-time was approaching, No-club Ronnie provided an assist for South Korea in his own penalty area so now it was all looking very interesting but as it stood, Uruguay were going through.

The second half of the Ghana game was simmering along with Ghana needing a point to go through and Uruguay thinking that they had done enough, so much so that they took off Suarez, Nunez and de Arrascaeta , probably to save them for the next round.  Oh dear - they reckoned without South Korea taking the lead through Chan, which meant that South Korea were ahead of them on goals scored. Portugal didn’t really give a shit about losing and that game was finished whilst there was still seven minutes of the Ghana v Uruguay game to go with both teams going for it whilst Luis Suárez cried on the bench. With one minute left to go, Edinson Cavani basically threw himself in front of a Ghana player and initiated contact and then cried like a bitch when he didn’t get the penalty. At full time they have gone mental all around the referee and he was forced to run off the pitch. What a bunch of wankers. Go home.  Good riddance.

It was a shame for Ghana to go out but I’m sure they will have taken some consolation from the fact that they took some revenge for 2010 and played a big part in Uruguay getting knocked out and had Luis Suárez crying at what was no doubt the end of his World Cup career.

World Cup 2014 Part 5 - Fred in Movement Shocker and Suarez Has Another Nibble

Fabio's World Cup Record is not improving

22/6/14

With England gone I have gone into a bit of a malaise about the World Cup.  I’ve never ereally been the sort to watch 90 minutes on TV of  match where I’m not supporting wither team and the clusterf**k of commentators they have on BBC and ITV in particular are enough to make anyone switch off.  So here’s a catch up of the post-England elimination.

Group H – Belgium 1 Russia 0

In recent tournaments, Russia have always started well and looked like a very skilful attacking side and then blown it.  They brought in Fabio Capello to manage them and now they are boring (pragmatic is the buzzword) and will blow it anyway.  A draw with South Korea was followed by a quite tedious game against Belgium.  There was one chance in the first half when Kokorin headed wide from 5 yards.  It’s the sort of chance that a 10 year old would score if he shut his eyes and just let the ball hit his face.  The highly fancied (not by me) Belgians woke up in the 85^th minute as Mirallas hit a post and they scored in the 88^th minute as Origi, who intriguingly, doesn’t play in England, was on hand to put away a pull back from Hazard.  Capello’s charges can still go through if they beat Algeria but I wouldn’t bet on it.

Group H - South Korea 2 Algeria 4

A really good attacking game which was made all the more entertaining but he fact that South Korea can’t defend for shit.  The first goal was straight out of the England manual as a massive welly forward was missed by everyone and Slimani held of a couple of half-arsed challenges to dink it over the keeper.  The keeper Fah Keung-Crahp was certainly at fault with the second as he came for a corner but before it got to him, Halliche got u and powered it into the net.  2-0 became 3-0 when another long ball found Slimani who easily brought it down and fed Djabou to wrap up the game.  A ridiculous goal got the Koreans back into it when another hoof forward was controlled by Son Heung-Min between his shoulder blades but it worked for him as he turned and smashed it through the keeper.  They had a chance to make it 3-2 but it soon went the other way as Algeria tiptoed through the defence and a nice passing move ended with Brahimi slotting home.  There was still 20 minutes to go when Lukk Ki-Git scored off his knee after another long ball caused carnage but Korea achieved distinction by being the first team I’ve seen so far who are probably worse than England.  As long as they avoid defeat against Russia, then Algeria will be going through.

Group G – USA 2 Portugal 2

Portugal were so bad in their first game that they had to be better here and it took all of 5 minutes to take the lead against the USA as a cross from the left found its way through so abysmal defending by Geoff Cameron for Nani to score as the keeper Howard, sat on his arse.  He made amends after a fashion right on half time when after making a right hash of a Nani shot and allowing it to come back off the post, he changed direction superbly to palm the rebound away.  The second half saw Portugal and Ronaldo do nothing much and the US nearly equalised when a Bradley shot was cleared off the line with the keeper nowhere.  They did eventually tie the soccerball scores in the 19^th minute of the second period when Jermaine Jones picked up a cleared corner and easily cut inside his marker but fairly lashed it into the far corner from 20 yards for 1-1.  With 10 to go the Yanks took the lead as Portugal defended abysmally as Dempsey managed to turn a cross into the net with his stomach.  It’s really strange watching a game where you want both teams to lose but I was looking forward to the tears when Ronaldo got knocked out but that pleasure will have to wait a few days as with 90 minutes up, Ronaldo put in a wonderful cross from the right and Varela dived in to power a header past Tourette Tim Fucking Shit Bollocks Howard to make it 2-2 and leave the Americans in pole position to qualify behind ze Germans.

Fred celebrates moving 5 yards

23/6/14

Group B – Netherlands 2 Chile 0

Away we go with the group deciders and both Netherlands and Chile had one eye on the next round as they were both already through.  It’s nice to get your job done with a game to spare – just ask England.  Both teams rested a few players but it was still a decent enough game.  Chile had first half chances from set pieces and Arjen Robben was at it again for the Dutch, causing mayhem whenever he ran with the ball.  Both he and Depuy tested Bravo with long range efforts before they finally took the lead as a free kick was swung in by Robber and substitute Fer scored with virtually his first touch as he powered in a header.  Chile tried to chase the game and had a half shout for a penalty but committing men forwards is suicide against the Dutch as Robben got away down the left and got his head up to pick up Depuy who steamed in and got the touch for 2-0.  

Group B – Spain 3 Australia 0

Usually, a dead rubber is a dead rubber for one team but this match had the distinction of being dead for both participants.  I’m taking the piss but I wish I’d been smart enough to have some money on that at the start of the tournament.  Spain had a Villa-Torres partnership up front and looked dangerous every time they went forward with Iniesta in brilliant form in central midfield in what will surely be his post-World Cup position.  They took the lead as Villa backheeled a Juanfran cross past Ryan.  Juanfran had been released by a slide-rule Iniesta pass and he was at it again as they went 2-0 up in the second half as he put Torres clean through and even he couldn’t miss.  Mata made it 3-0 after Fabregas picked him out and he took all the time he needed to control it and pass it through the keepers legs.  Australia were pretty decent to be fair until they ran out of steam and though they’ve finished bottom with zero points, they are showing signs of getting better which is annoying.  Spain are out of course but have enough players who will still be around in 2016 to be a serious threat for the next Euro’s.  You have been warned.

Group A – Brazil 4 Cameroon 1

On paper this looks like it should be a slaughter and it’s all going according to plan as Neymar opens the scoring and everyone is happy.  Cameroon however summoned up a bit of the spirit of 1990 and equalised when Matip was on hand to stab in a cross from the left wing.  The calculators briefly come out as there is a slight chance that Brazil might go out which would be hilarious but Neymar is having none of it and turns a player inside out as he runs at the penalty area before smashing it low past a wrong-footed keeper.  In 1982 when Brazil were magnificent, they had Zico, Socrates, Eder, Falcao etc but they had a big lump of a centre forward who was useless called Serginho.  The 2014 Brazil have Fred who is really really bad and as immobile as they come but even he can;t miss when presented with an open goal from 5 yards to make it 3-1.  All over bar the shouting but Fernandinho bundles through to roll in the 4^th and Brazil have won the group and will paly against Chile in the 2^nd Round.  I’m sure that the referee will be chosen carefully for that one. 

Group A – Mexico 3 Croatia 1

The first half of this was pretty average.  Croatia had to win but didn;t really look like a side who believed that they could.  They are almost England-esque in the way they shoehorn players into the wrong positions with Rakitic and Modric both deployed deep in midfield when neither can tackle or neither have much defensive awareness.  Mexico came closest to scoring when Herrera smacked the bar from 30 yards but otherwise the first half was lame.

The second half started in much the same way and with about 20 minutes to go it was like a bomb went off and Croatia just collapsed.  Marquez headed them in front from a corner and within 10 minutes it was 3-0 with Guardado finishing off a brilliant move by driving past the hapless Pleitikosa and Javier Hernandez nodding in from his usual distance of two feet. The best bit was the spectacle of the Mexican manager going absolutely but celebrating his sides goals, pulling ridiculous faces and being wrestled to the floor by players and support staff.  Compare and contrast to Roy Hodgson – the most uninspiring manager ever.  Croatia got a consolation goal through Perisic but no one cared and Mexico go through to play the Netherlands in what should be a fantastic game.

Animal.

24/6/14

Group D – England 0 Costa Rica 0

Hodgson decided that this was a game he could use to give the rest of the squad a game and so we got to witness the future of English football in Frank Lampard, James Milner, Chris Smalling and Ben Foster.  In the next breath he’ll be moaning that we don’t have enough friendlies to hone our team.  Surely better to mix and match as if it was the first game of the next qualifying tournament but no matter really – we’re out after all and he’s keeping his job.  To be brutally honest, I didn’t even watch this as I couldn’t be bothered, this was despite the presence of two Saints players in the team in Lallana and Shaw.  A month ago I’d have been gagging to watch this game for this reason alone but more of that later.  Costa Rica didn;t need to win as they’d already qualified and England didn’t know how to win.  Sturridge missed chances again and though he should have had a penalty in the first half – that was about it.  Boring game, boring performance, boring manager but Uncle Roy said we played well – really?  Costa Rica win the group and fair play to them.

Group D -  Uruguay 1 Italy 0

Before it became apparent how crap England were, I thought the Italians looked decent but the defeat to Costa Rica showed up their limitations which were all on display again here.  Pirlo had a free kick which caused some panic for Muslera but other than that they produced very little.  Marchisio managed to get sent off for a ridiculous stamp tackle in the 2^nd half and Uruguay were the better side and forced Buffon into a number of decent saves.  They eventually did win as Gaston Ramirez swung in a corner and Godin, who should of course have been sent off against England and not playing here, headed the winner and put Uruguay through and Italy out.  The game will of course only be remembered for Hannibal Suarez going for it again and biting Chiellini on the shoulder.  He then compunded it by diving on the ground and pretending his teeth hurt.  I expect they did as shoulders can be quite tough if you bite them.  He obviously has serious mental issues, as do the Uruguayan representatives who defend him as if it’s an everyday thing.  Sorry – none of your other players do it.  I’m sure there have been other players who have bitten someone but I can't think of one off hand and 3 times in a few years?  The guy is a fucking animal and if he’d done that 3 times on the street then he’d be in prison, or a zoo.  

**Update: Suarez banned for 4 months from all football.... good news for Rickie Lambert I guess.  Personally, I think it should have been 6 months with a suspended life ban if he does it again. 

World Cup 2014 Part 3 - Changing of the Guard

Did someone say ...Siberia?

17/6/14

Group H - Belgium 2 Algeria 1

The highly rated Belgians faced Algeria as the final group got under way.  They’re highly rated in this country because a majority of them play in the Premier League but then, so do all of the England players and we’re world beaters after all.  As if to prove my point, Belgium went 1-0 down as Vertonghen got caught ball watching and did what Vertonghen does and grabber to forwards arm and pulled him down. Penalty and to my mind it should have been a red card but no matter as up stepped Feghouli and set Courtois the wrong way with one of those shit penalties that was the easiest save imaginable if he went the other way.  Belgium huffed and puffed until the 70^th minute and it was a premier League player who finally equalized for them and the shock was that it was a player who has been shite this season as Fellani got his wig on a cross and powered home a header in exactly the sort of way he used to do for Everton before he fucked himself up by joining Man United.  With 20 minutes left there was only going to be one outcome and sure enough Belgium scored again when Hazard played a ball to Mertens who had acres and he smashed it past the excellent Algerian keeper MBohli and into the roof of the net.

Group A - Brazil 0 Mexico 0

Mexico were not here to roll over and die but they knew that if you have a shot and Julio Cesar turns it over the bar, then it’s a goal kick.  Ochoa, the keeper at the other end saved well from a Neymar header and a close range blast from the same player as Brazil made chances without ever really looking like a top class team. Marcelo got in after a fantastic crossfile ball from Luiz but decided to have a dive like a complete wanker and to my amazement, the referee didn’t give it so that will probably be his last game officiating at this World Cup.  Ochoa made another fantastic reflex save from Thiago Silva’s point bank header and Mexico kept Brazil thinking at the other end.  Brazil are not going to win it with this team.  They’d have a chance if they had a striker but Fred is an absolute liability.  In two games he’s hardly touched the ball because he doesn’t move. 

Group H - Russia 1 South Korea 1

It’s a bit odd that Brazil and Mexico have played their 2^nd game before these two have started but here we are in the presence of Fabio Capello and his Russians.  This game was obviously played with a big round bar of soap instead of a ball – either that or both goalkeepers were shit, especially Akinfeev for Russia who spilled everything but got away with it until Lee Keun-ho shot from 25 yards and the keeper got his hands to it and virtually threw it over his shoulder and into the net.  Capello made a sub and put on Kerzhakov and within two minutes he’s equalized as a clearance smacked into a Russian player and dropped for him to turn it past the keeper.

"To be fair Fernando, you are shite"

18/6/14

Group B - Netherlands 3 Australia 2

It would be great if Australia got annihilated and it looks like it might happen as Arjen Robben started running from the halfway line and didn’t stop until he’d beaten the entire Aussie defence and smashed it across the keeper and into the net.  Happy days but fair play to the Aussies as Tim Cahill smashed in one of the best goals you’ll ever see, fastening on to a ball chipped across from the right and crashing it into the net with a left footed volley which I cannot possibly do justice to.  The the ref go involved and gave the Aussies a penalty for handball which was ridiculous as the defender as not even looking and Jedinak put the Aussies 2-1 up but the hope didn’t last long as van Persie levelled which he will do if you give him a free shot from 10 yards.  The winner was amusing as substitute Depay tried a pot shot from miles out and the keeper went down in instalments and away it swerved and into the net.  Bye Australia.

Group B - Spain 0 Chile 2

With the Dutch having won earlier in the day, Spain went into this game knowing that if they lost then they would be out.  Del Bosque realised that he had to do something and so he dropped Xavi which though he was poor against the Dutch, looked like a ludicrous decision when the equally anonymous David Silva and Diego Costa were retained with David Villa and Fabregas on the bench, not to mention Cazorla and Mata.  Even after a goalless half an hour you could see that Spain were stuggling.  They got hustled out of their stride by the high pressing game of the Chileans and kept giving the ball away.  Xabi Alonso was having mare and it was he who coughed up the ball to Alexis Sanchez who drew the defender and slipped the ball inside to Aranguiz to moved it on to Vargas who scored expertly.  Another player who had survived the Dutch game was Iker Casillas and he again showed why he should have by flapping a long range free kick back into the middle and Aranguiz brilliantly put away the rebound.  Half time 2-0 and Spain have had it.  To be fair they tried in the second half but theor best chances fell to two players who were never going to score as long as they had a hole in their arses as Busquets put an open goal wide and Diego Costa gave us hope that Chelsea have signed another duff Spanish striker.  Talking of which, del Bosque replaced Costa with Torres with 20 to go whilst Davis Villa sat and watched on.  Carzorla made things better when he came on and forced a couple of saves out of the excellent Brava but Chile easily held on and totally deserved to win.  As for Spain – well they got old and the manager failed to use younger fitter squad players and stuck with the tried and tested and old in conditions that didn’t suit them.  Mata, Fabregas and Cazorla should all have played more and Casillas is shot to bits having not played any football this season.  It will be a new broom for Spain as the manager will doubtless go and we’ve probably seen the last of Xavi, David Villa, Xabi Alonso, Torres and Casillas.  They’ve been brilliant in their time but it looks like their time has gone.  It wasn’t even a surprise that they lost today – the only surprise is that Sergio Ramos didn’t wipe someone out and get sent off after a 21 man brawl.  I wonder if they can flog Costa back to Brazil?

Group A - Croatia 4 Cameroon 0

Croatia, probably fuelled by the shite referiing they got against Brazil, tore into Cameroon at the start and took ten minutes to go 1-0 up as Mandzukic squared and Olic tapped in at the far post.  Cameroon then showed their amazing discipline as Alex Song produced a kind of martial arts flying elbow down a players back as he was running away from him.  Quite bizarre and a great spot from the officials to send the twat off.  It was still 1-0 at half time but there was no way this was going to end in any other way than a hammering.  Perisic got away down the left and cut in with no challenge to slip it past the keeper who dived the wrong way.  Mandzukic then scored with a header from a corner as no one challenged him and the same player rounded off the scoring as Eduardo’s tame effort was present to him by a chocolate wristed goalkeeper.  The game ended with Assou-Ekotto pushing his head into the face of another one of his players.  They’re a shambles and Croatia have a do or die match against Mexico.

Tomorrow it's time for England... oh joy.

World Cup 2014 Part 1 - FIFA Buy the Referee and Hodgson Cocks It Up.

Dejan Lovren might not agree with the Ref

12/6/14

Group A – Brazil 3 Croatia 1

Day 1 and Brazil are up first against Croatia and away we go after watching J-Lo shake her thing about (very nice too) and kids releasing doves and all that stuff that makes it look like FIFA is a wonderful, pure, selfless organization.  There’s a brief feel-good element to things and then you see Adrian Chiles for the first time.  Since they won their World Cup winners medals in 1998 and 2006 respectively, Patrick Vieira and Fabio Cannavaro must have been waiting for the moment when they got to share a TV studio with a bumbling, clueless potato and Lee Dixon.

After two cracking national anthems and the players giving it loads with veins in the next bulging, the actual football started and the script went up in the air as Croatia scored as Jelavic scuffed a shot into the path of Marcelo who finished with aplomb straight into his own net.  Goal line technology was broadcast by ITV which said it had crossed the line which I think everyone realised when it hit the back of the net and stayed there.  Neymar then threw a silly arm-raised challenge at Modric and caught him in the face.  It was a bit of a wet slap so I think yellow was just about right but if you could pick one player in this tournament who will not get sent off in the first half then it would be Neymar.  He could murder someone basically.  Five minutes later he picks a ball up in midfield and runs before scuffing a shot into the corner, off the post to make it 1-1.  The ball passes through Lovren’s legs on its way in but it’s shocking from Pleitikosa in goal who just seems to collapse.  Half time and Brazil have had the possession but Croatia have looked dangerous on the break and the more incisive.

The second half starts with Brazil pressure and then it changes round and Croatia are in the ascendency and testing Cesar in the Brazil goal before the ghost of South Korea 2002 rears its ugly head as we can’t have the host nation struggling.  Fred backs into Lovren and slides his feet forwards so he falls over and the ref gives a penalty.  It’s a joke, hometown, bent decision.  You just have to look at the fact that he couldn’t wait to give it, gave it instantly and with great relish.  Neymar danced and stuttered his way up to the penalty and Pleitikosa went the right way, got 2 hands to it and still shoved it in the net.  Croatia had chances before the end and had a goal disallowed (rightly in my view) but got done on the break as Oscar poked in a shot from the edge of the box and Pleitikosa completed his hat-trick by doing the collapsing goalkeeper thing again.  Overall it was a decent game of decent attacking football but the hometown bent refereeing leaves a cloud.  I liked the cocaine-in-a-can thing for marking out where the wall should be and matches involving Colombia and Mexico should be great for this reason alone but I wasn’t impressed with the imaginary card waving from the Brazilians, particularly when Gene Hackman Scolari joined in.  Waving an imaginary card is basically dissent as you’re disagreeing with the ref so you should book players for it.

Brazil will of course win Group A as it’s in the contract.  The group also contains Mexico and Cameroon.  The hosts aren’t great at the back with David Luiz being a walking mistake and there’s space behind Marcelo and Dani Alves if you can get at them.  Up front, Fred was useless, completely hopeless but Neymar was different class altogether and Oscar played well on the right after a shaky start.  Croatia could still go through of course but without Mandzukic they are short up front.  Neither Olic nor Jelavic look the answer at all.  I did like their manager Niko Kovac who didn’t pull any punches in his post match interview, the gist of which was that we may as well all give up and go home if that’s a penalty.  He might not be far wrong.

That my Friends, is a header!

13/6/14

Group A – Mexico 1 Cameroon 0

What we needed after the farcical refereeing performance yesterday was a controversy free game and that’s exactly what we didn’t get as Mexico were the better side against a pretty dismal Cameroon and had two goals disallowed in the first half for offside.  The first one was level and no benefit of the doubt was given to the attacker and the second one was ridiculous.  A cross came in and the striker was miles onside but it flicked off a Cameroon defender which in the mind of the linesman, made him offside.  Absolute horse shit.  The linesman couldn’t tell the difference between a Mexican in a green shirt and a big black bloke in a yellow shirt.  Players dream of scoring even one goal in a World Cup but Giovanni dos Santos had two legitimate goals disallowed because the lino had been on the cocaine in a can before the game.  Luckily for Mexico iit wasn’t decisive as they scored the winner in the second half when Peralta followed in and scored then the ball bounced back to him.  Cameroon have some good players but were pretty ordinary and Mexico’s game with Croatia will decide who goes through behind Brazil.

Group B - Spain 1 Netherlands 5

Initial fears that we were going to get Friday the 13^th: Spain v Netherlands: The Sequel, looked well founded as Nigel de Jong went piling into players but without approaching neck level like he did 4 years ago.  Spain have a new striker in Diego Costa who they bought from Brazil.  The guy was born in Brazil and played for Brazil  in a couple of friendlies but now he’s Spanish.  OK, that’s a fucking stupid rule especially when you consider that Brazil haven’t played any competitive games for 4 years.  Having said that I’m not sure that the Confederations Cup counts.  So Spain now have a striker and he won a penalty when de Vrij went steaming in like a twat and Costa hurdled the challenge and trod on de Vrij as he slid by and fell over.  Penalty – really?  Anyway, up stepped Xabi Alonso to score and we all sat back waiting for a masterclass of possession.  The Dutch however had failed to read the script and equalised soon after as Daley Blind bombed over a huge cross from the left and van Persie scored with a fantastic diving header which he lobbed over Casillas.  Fabulous goal and half time.  

The 2nd half was a procession but not towards the Dutch goal.  Spain went pass, pass, pass, pass, pass and lost it, the Dutch went for the throat.  Blind played another great ball for Robben who danced around Ramos and Pique before smashing past Casillas and 3-1 then arrived as Casillas flapped at a cross and de Vrij bundled it in.  To be fair to the keeper, it was a foul on him by van Persie but he was nowhere near the cross.  Casillas then made sure that everyone knew that he had gone to shit and controlled a back pass straight to van Persie and the only thing that was going to make him miss was shock.  Needless to say, he didn’t miss and 4-1 became 5-1 as Robben got in a foot race with Ramos from half way and Casillas made it easy for him by flying out like a complete arse.  It could have been 6-1 but to be fair, Casillas made a superb double save from Wynaldum and then from Robben but bloody hell, Spain suddenly got old.  All that was left was for the hapless Torres to come on as a sub and dawdle over a tap in, allowing Blind to tackle him practically on the goal line.   The Spanish were very average but the Dutch had their moment like England did when we smashed Germany by the same score.  He question remains if the Dutch will build on it or under achieve like we did.

Group B – Chile 3 Australia 1

Australia are a bit like the United States in that I don’t like them at all.  They’re usually just a team of athletes who are organized but this time, the coach has ditched nearly all the experienced players and is going with the youth who are obviously not very good as they’ve been getting humped in their warm-up matches.  So, hopes are high that they’re going to get a pasting, especially when Chile scored twice in the first 15 minutes through Alexis  Sanchez and Valdavia.  The expected annihilation didn’t materialize though as Tim Cahill pulled on back with a trademark header from a right wing cross.  Australia had the odd situation which could have led to an equalizer but Chile put it to bed near the end as Jean Beausajour made it 3-1 with an arrowed finish from the edge of the box.  Off you go Australia.  Chile against Spain will be a bit tasty now.

"I can play shit in any of the forward positions"

14/6/14

Group C – Colombia 3 Greece 0

There was no way on God’s green earth that I was going to make a special effort to watch a game involving Greece unless I had to.  Their World Cup is going to be, turn up, play three games, have about 2 shots in 3 games, lose and go home in time for tea.  It took them all of 5 minutes to fall behind to the decent looking Colombians when Amero wandered up from the back and scuffed in a shot which was deflected past the keeper.  The rest of the first half was fairly even and the Greeks had a penalty shout at the start of the second as Samaras weaved into the box before having a dive instead of carrying on.  Serves you right you wanker.  2-0 through Gutierrez from a flick on from a corner and then Gekas hit the bar from 4 yards out when the preferred option would surely have been to nod into the gaping empty net.  He used to play for a dodgy Southern based Engish club in blue if I remember correctly.  Rodriguez sidefooted home for 3-0 and the game was all over, Greece had been more attacking than I expected but they’re shit, basically.  Colombia looked like a side who will reach the knockout stages and whoever plays them will fancy their chances.  They do however have mad goal celebrations.

Group D – Uruguay 1 Costa Rica 3

I was expecting a procession towards the Costa Rica goal for this game even with Uruguay being without Luis Suarez and so it proved for the first half.  A rugby tackle in the box brought a penalty to Uruguay which Cavani converted.  I dunno about you but I think Cavani is severely overrated but his goal was the difference at half time.  Ten minutes after half time and the beer kicked in and I went to the loo and when I’d got back, Costa Rica were 2-1 up.  Joel Campbell smashed in the first as a free kick broke to him inside the penalty area and then Duarte rose above everyone at the back stick and headed and headed across Muslera and in the other side of the goal.  Uruguay’s defending was carnage despite Godin and Lugano performing the same wrestling moves that had won them a penalty at the other end.  Uruguay had half an hour to find a goal and produced nothing with Cavani anonymous and 3 substitutions tellingly leaving Suarez on the bench and none of the incoming players providing any spark.  A Costa Rican sub fastened onto a through ball from the excellent Campbell and slid it first time under Muslera who came rushing out like an idiot.  Man of the Match Joel Campbell is one of the players that Arsenal have been stockpiling who hasn’t played a first team game for them and has just been out on loan everywhere.  Well that wasn't in the script for this group - Cat released, pigeons everywhere.

Group D – Italy 2 England 1

News came through whilst the Uruguay game was happening that Raheem Sterling was going to start and Adam Lallana had been dropped.  This on its own was a bit concerning as it meant that Welbeck was still in the side but then the whispers started that Sterling was in the 10 role and Rooney had been shunted left into a role where we have about 5 players who are more effective.  This ‘leak’ was confirmed before kick off so  I assume we can chalk this one down to Lallana being the easiest to drop.  England started well and Sterling had the whole country on it’s feet when he fired in a shot from 30 yards which sped past the keeper and hit the side netting.  For all the world it looked like a goal and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in being off my chair, shouting and generally making a tit of myself.  Italy were immediately tearing us a new one down the left where Darmiann and Candreva were up against Baines as Rooney totally failed to give him any cover. They opened the scoring from a corner as we switched off, Pirlo stepped over the corner and Marchisio took a touch before lashing it through the crowd and into the net with Rooney failing to get anything on it as it whistled past him.  Back came England straight away though and a good break and ball by Sterling allowed Rooney to curl a delightful cross to Sturridge who buried it on the half volley to make it 1-1.  We had a good go at going 2-1 down before half time as Hart went walkabout and then kind of half got back in his goal.  The Italian chipped him easily and Jagielka got back on the line to head over.  It was interesting that they didn’t show the goal line technology graphic when they’d previously been showing it when the ball hit the net and stayed there.  I guess that they couldn’t stand the thought of Phil Neville commentating on it in his monotone drawl.

Acknowledgement that the Rooney experiment hasn’t worked came when Hodgson switched Rooney and Welbeck over but it was still bad and within 10 minutes Italy were back in front as Baines was exposed again 2v1 and he then compounded it by not marking either player.  A cross from the right and Balotelli got in behind Cahill to give Hart no chance with a header.  Liability Johnson had followed his man into the centre forward position so either through lack of communication or just bad marking we were 2-1 down.  We had at least 4 players blowing out of their arses by the hour mark but Hodgson took off Welbeck who wasn’t one of them and brought on Barkley who immediately looked lively.  Henderson was next to be removed and Wilshere come on which made me thing that Hodgson was just doing it by numbers.  He knew Barkley should have started so he was first sub, Wilshere was in the team before injury so he’s on next and I predicted that Lallana would be on next as he was unlucky to be dropped.  Sure enough, when Sturridge copped a dead leg, Lallana came on when it really should have been Lambert.  We had the one glorious chance to equalize and it fell to Rooney who cut inside a defender and with the whole goal to aim at on his right foot, he shat it wide of the near post in abysmal Sunday League fashion.  Rooney finally got to play up front when Sturridge went off, and predictably did nothing.  Wilshere’s contribution involved running headlong into three players and wondering why he lost the ball and didn’t get a free kick.

The second half was poor and Hodgson was mainly to blame.  Rooney should have come off on the hour mark, closely followed by Gerrard who looked really old on that performance.  Contrast with Pirlo who is a year older and was outstanding for Italy as we didn’t get near him.  Welbeck was having a decent game until he was subbed to indulge Rooney some more.  Aside from the cross for the goal, Rooney was woeful both with and without the ball and does not deserve to start the next match.  He will be indulged though like he always is despite doing absolutely nothing to justify it.  Sturridge is better up front, Sterling, Barkley and Lallana are better in the hole, Sterling, Chamberlain and Lallana are better in the wing positions.  He simply does not deserve to start.... but he will.  Also, he’d be a very good impact sub to bring on with something to prove.   Hodgson has to sort himself out and pick his best team.  If you want a comparison then think 1966 and Alf Ramsey.  Everyone played with wingers at the time but Alf decided not to as we’d be a better team without them.  Jimmy Greaves was our best striker but Alf decided that we were a better team with a Geoff Hurst – Roger Hunt partnership up front. How did that one work out in the end?

My marks out of 10 are: Hart 6, Johnson 6, Baines 5, Jagielka 7, Cahill 6, Gerrard 5, Henderson 6, Welbeck 6, Sterling 7, Rooney 5, Sturridge 7

It has to be said though that we played pretty well and probably deserved a draw which we would have got against a team a little less streetwise than the Italians.  It annoys me that we allowed Pirlo to run the game in the same way as we did two years ago but going forward we were more inventive than of late.  We need to go the whole hog though and leave out the players who drag us back.

Uruguay on Thursday is now a must win.

World Cup Part 9 - Heroes to Zeroes

What do you mean, "Save it" ?

THURSDAY 24th JUNE

Group F’s final two games were Italy v Slovakia and New Zealand v Paraguay. Italy were in an identical position to England the night before, in that they had to win or go home. Both the Italians and the Slovakians are not the most exciting of teams so I was expecting a dour 1-0 to Italy but the cat went amongst the proverbial pigeons when a dreadful square pass across the back 4 by de Rossi was intercepted, one pass, goal for Vittek. It got worse for the Italians just after half time as Vittek nipped in front of the dozing Chiellini and scored at the near post. Italy, as they do, got a bit of urgency with the introduction of Pirlo and Quagliarella which sound like a fancy ice-cream flavour. It all went nuts in the last 10 minutes with first di Natale pulling one back to put the Italians within one goal of qualifying. A minute later it was in the net again via the Ice Cream boy but the dodgy English linesman had his flag up for offside. Quagliarella’s leg was in front of the last defender when the ball was crossed which is offside if (and this is a big if) that rule that was introduced about ‘daylight’ doesn’t still apply. A few years ago, when they kept pissing about with the offside rule, I’m sure that it was modified to give the benefit to the attacker and say that there had to be daylight between attacker and defender to be given offside.

Fresh from the heartbreak of having a goal disallowed, the Italians defended a throw in like a school team and allowed a midfielder to burst onto the throw and chip the keeper for 3-1. Italy usually have the excellent and imposing Buffon in goal but he’s injured and the replacement Marchetti looks like a performing dwarf from a circus. Basically, he’s crap and I don’t think he’s actually saved an on target shot in the two and a half games he’s played. Ice cream boy pulled one back but it was by now the 93rd minute so out they went 3-2.

Whenever Italy go out there is always a case of what might have been. They were superb for the last 20 minutes going forward but it had taken them two games and 70 minutes to show any attacking momentum. Many of their squad will be retiring now so a word for Fabio Cannavaro who in the 2006 World Cup, was the best defender I’ve ever seen, bar none. He’s 36 now and this was one tournament too many for him but in his prime, what a player.

The other game finished 0-0 so New Zealand go out despite not losing a game. I wonder what the odds were on that happening. Paraguay go through as group winners though they will be concerned at their lack of a clinical finisher. They had all the play today but came up with a blank. Slovakia finish 2nd s that’s a nice 2nd Round game for Holland and Italy…. finish last… unlike with the French though, it doesn’t give me much pleasure to say that.

Denmark and Japan were both on three points going into the game against eachother, Holland were already through and were playing Cameroon who were already out. One of the features of the World Cup has been the much maligned Jubulani ball and the fact that no one can take a free kick with it without ballooning it out of the park. Enter the inscrutable Japananese and specifically, Honda who smashed one dead straight from 35 yards which Thomas Sorensen obligingly left a big gap for. On the half hour it was 2-0 as this time, Tommy boy lined up his wall in the wrong place, allowing Endo to nonchalantly curl one in from a similar distance. The Danes who needed to win to go through, tried to respond but had n idea aside from the hoof upto Bendtner, who was getting no change out of the Japanese central defence. Sorensen did his best to throw another one in at the start of the second half, fumbling a tame lob into the box, onto his own crossbar. The Danes had a great chance to pull one back when Tomasson had a free shot from 8 yards but trying an airshot and connecting only with your standing leg is not the way to go about it. He did manage a goal five minutes later but even then, he ballsed a penalty first and then bobbled the rebound apologetically into the net. It was if then, that Japan woke up and Honda tricked his way into the box and laid it on a plate for Okazaki to make it 3-1 and confirm Japan going through to face Paraguay.

In the meaningless match, Holland beat Cameroon 2-1 and the only thing of note really, was the appearance of the perma-injured Arjen Robben who came on as a sub and smashed a great shot against the post which rebounded to Huntelaar to steer in from a difficult angle for the winner. The win confirmed Holland in top spot, going through to play Slovakia. It would be rude not to mention Cameroon’s Rigobert Song who came on as a sub to play in his 4th World Cup, looking like a Rasta Father Christmas with blonde hair and beard…. Very odd.

The knockout draw is shaping up and one half of the draw, England’s half is looking not too clever. All we need now is Portugal to beat Brazil tomorrow and the Brazilians are in our half as well….. watch this space.

Unbelievably, Franz Beckenbauer has seen fit to open his trap again, apparently we're 'stupid' not to have won the group. It's not as if we did it on purpose mate... I think he's bricking it myself.

...

Now give it back and go home...

World Cup Part 4 - Taxi for Heskey & Podolski

Laugh....? Oh yes...

FRIDAY 18th JUNE

Germany against Serbia was supposed to provide evidence that Germany were the new football master race and Franz Beckenbauer certainly expected this to be the case. The opening 20 minutes of the game wasn’t pretty and it was never going to be as the referee booked anyone who made any sort of challenge for the ball. Klose, the main German –Polish striker made the mistake of trying to tackle someone on two separate occasions and was sent off on the half hour mark. Whilst they were still re-organizing, they want 1-0 down as the right winger skinned the useless lump of a German left back (Batstuber), crossed and it was converted by Jovanovic. I always find it amusing when Germany concede but especially when they’ve just had a man sent off because it implies a lack of organization and efficiency, doesn’t it Franz. The game meandered on and the pivotal moment came when Vidic pointlessly, stupidly and ridiculously, dived to head a ball in his own penalty area and handled it, under pressure from no one. Up stepped the German-Polish striker Podolski to ruthless despatch the penalty with typical German efficiency…. Only he missed it, Ha ha fucking ha, must have been his Polish heritage coming to the fore. And then they gave up and did nothing for the remaining 20 minutes and their young team looked a bit like little boys lost. Great stuff and well done Serbia.

USA and Slovenia in england’s group was up next and to my delight, Slovenia raced into a 2-0 lead which lasted until half time and the Yanks looked doomed. Tourette Tim Howard said “shit, fuck, bugger, fuck, wank, Heskey”. Sadly, the US came out and scored through Landon Donovan straight after half time and from then on, looked the more likely winners. The managers’ nipper equalized with ten minutes and two minutes later they had the ball in the net again and it was disallowed. The cross came over and the whistle went for the foul – then someone stuck it in the net. It’s not a if anyone at any point thought it was a goal so stop bloody going on about it. The game ended 2-2 which was a pretty decent result for England.

The evening kick off of course bought England round again, this time against Algeria who are thought to be generally crap and England should win comfortably and with style and stick Franz’s words right up his arse. After the Green fiasco in the last match and the media explosion that followed, the 100% correct decision was taken by Capello to put David James in goal. More debateable however were the decisions to bring in Gareth Barry and move England’s best outfield player and captain to the left wing and keep Emily Heskey in the team. You can’t call Heskey a striker because he doesn’t ever ‘strike’. Replace the work ‘strike’ with ‘wank’ and you’re getting there.

England again look disjointed and there is nothing happening up front with Rooney not getting the ball which if you remember, is the only reason that Heskey is in the team for. Gareth Barry is doing ok in his first game for 6 weeks and Gerrard is flitting in and out with some sort of intent. Algeria begin to look a bit threatening and soon the ball comes down from the sky on top of James and he flaps it away in none to convincing fashion and it’s like Rob Green is still here. From and Algerian corner, taken by Belhadj, James makes a superb catch under pressure and suddenly, Rob Green is history. Note that James is an England player and Belhadj (and Yebda for that matter) are Skate Bastards.

It’s all a big load of nothing for the rest of the first half and in we go at 0-0 but most worrying is that we’ve hardly had a shot aside from a Lampard effort which was clawed away by the keeper. The second half begins and Carragher gets booked, ruling him out of the Slovenia match. Following this, Capello has obviously despaired at the fact that Lennon has not managed a single decent run or pass all game and replaces him with Joe Cole… oh no he doesn’t, he replaces him with Shaun Wright-Phillips. Heskey gets the ball out on the right wing and surges upfield with what looks like real intent until he is confronted by the left back, at which point he stumbles over the ball before regaining his balance and hoofing it behind the goal – fucking clown. He is eventually put out of his misery and replaced with Defoe who immediately snapped a shot just over the bar. Crouchie gets his token 8 minutes at the end but never really gets on the ball as he’s such a difficult guy to give the ball to, being 8 foot 3 and all that.

And so it ended, 0-0, absolute shit.

James 8 – one flap aside, proved what everyone already knew which is that he should have played the USA match. I reckon that if he had we would have beaten USA and would have therefore also beaten Algeria.
Johnson 5 – Some poor defending and not a lot going forward.
A.Cole 7 – Totally committed and gave us some decent width on the left.
Terry 7 – Solid, didn’t have much to do, managed to keep his dick in his pants
Lennon 3 – Shite to be honest – again proving that Walcott should be out there
Barry 6 – Tired but at least you could always see what he was trying to do
Lampard 3 – Barry’s inclusion was supposed to allow him to drive forward and dominate the game – he didn’t.
Gerrard 6 – Flitted about, looked willing but it’s so obvious he hates playing out on the left… also, the passed it when he had a sight of goal which he NEVER does for Liverpool, causing me to swear out loud which in turn caused my 11 year old daughter to leave the room in disgust
Heskey 0 – not his fault he gets picked but he’s shite and enough is enough. You cannot expect to win a World Cup with a centre forward who is not a goal threat and if a striker is not confident then he’s never going to be any use. Not a striker, a wanker.
Rooney 2 – Alarmingly bad. If he wasn’t who he is then he would have been substituted. Brett Ormerod would have done better to be honest. No fight, no enthusiasm, no strength, no ball control – absolutely nothing… and then an ill thought out swipe at the England fans for booing. Get a grip boy…
Wright-Phillips 1 – Garbage – should never have been in the 30, let alone the 23, let alone on the pitch, one trick pony of the worst kind, just pace and nothing else.
Defoe 6 – At least looked lively
Crouch ? – Not enough time again.

I’ve been a big fan of Fabio Capello up to now but he’s worrying me. The ignoring of Joe Cole, the inclusion of Heskey and Wright-Phillips, Gerrard on the left, shit players in the squad (Carrick, Upson, Wright-Phillips), better ones at home (Parker, Adam Johnson, Jagielka, Walcott), dodgy substitutions, picking Green for the USA game… and I’m worried he’s going to bring in Upson for the suspended Carragher on Wednesday and Upson is another player who should not be out there as he’s had a crap season….. also, in order for England to do anything, our big players have to perform and these are Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney. Lampard and Rooney have been shocking so far and unless they sort it out, we’re going home early. I can see us scraping the win to get us though to the last 16 but if we line up against Slovenia with Heskey in the side then we’re coming home on Wednesday. My side would be James; Johnson, Dawson, Terry, A.Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Barry, J.Cole; Gerrard; Rooney. If he wants to play two out and out strikers though, there has to be a case for leaving out Lampard and of course, Heskey must not play...ever... again

SATURDAY 19th JUNE

Didn’t watch much today as I was on the beer. The odd snippet of Holland and Japan was viewed though my glass as Holland won 1-0 with a Jubulani goal as Wesley Schneijder hit a shot that the keeper dived right for, only to see it disappear over his left shoulder and into the net. Holland closed it out and are the first team through to the next round.

Following their pasting by Germany, Australia took the lead v Ghana before Harry Kewell was sent off for handball and Ghana made it 1-1 from the resulting penalty. In case you’re reading Harry, you handle it on the line when the ball was going in, you get a red card, you get off the fucking pitch, you don’t hang around arguing for 10 minutes while the rest of us look at replays which clearly show you handling the ball on the goal line, making you look even more like the bell end I suspect that you are. I have never like Harry Kewell, a classic ‘wage packet’ player who has loads of ability but a shit attitude.

A shocking pass across their own penalty by a Dane, gave the ball to Samuel Eto’o who said thanks very much and smashed it in the net. Denmark equalized when the walking wig that is Nicklas Bendtner slid in a Rommedahl cross. Chances apleanty for both side but Rommedahl won it for Denmark when a Cameroon defender waved him past and he curled a nice shot into the far corner which made Cameroon the first team to go out.

World Cup Part 2 - Franz Beckenbollocks

Ze Englanders ist scheisse !

MONDAY 14th JUNE

I picked out Holland v Denmark as my game to watch for the day. It was the 12.30 kick off and I was looking forward to seeing the Dutch who pissed through qualifying and when they get it right, are unstoppable, despite the presence of Dirk Kuyt who,despite being one of the most untalented footballers I’ve ever seen, manages to play effectively for Liverpool and for the Dutch national side. Holland also feature Mark Van Bommel who is one of the nastiest, dirtiest, most horrible players around. The game kicked off and for the first 10 minutes, it was World Cup 2010 boredom….. and then I woke up with the commentators shouting ‘own goal’. Somehow I’d slept through the first half and the half time interview, coming to as the replay of the gangly Danish left back heading a clearance onto Dan Agger and past Thomas Sorensen for an own goal. He compounded the error by grinning which is not the sort of reaction you want to see. Danish centre back Kjaer was being hyped as a possible signing for a Premiership club but he looked pretty average and was badly ball watching as a shot came back off the post and was followed in by my mate Dirk. 2-0 to the Dutch and pretty easy but not particularly impressive.

It was more impessive than Japan v Cameroon which was a trulty dreadful game which ended 1-0 to Japan with a goal from Honda, from a through ball from Mitsubishi, following a one-two with Suzuki. People of my age watch Cameroon and expect the 1990 side who were wonderfully entertaining and slightly unhinged in a brutal sort of way. See one of my favourite bits of World Cup action ever…




This incarnation played their best player (Samuel Eto’o) out on the right wing and he hardly got a kick. There was no mention of him signing for Portsmouth soon on the commentaries. That just left Italy v Paraguay which was heading for a 1-0 to Paraguay until the Paraguay keeper did a Superman impression with his eyes shut and gifted De Rossi and equalizer. Italy – the defending champions – look a desperately poor side but then they always do in the group games. I bet they make the last 4.


TUESDAY 15th JUNE

I was out all day so mercifully, I didn’t watch New Zealand v Slovakia or Portugal v Ivory Coast. 1-1 and 0-0 respectively. The New Zealand game was poor like it was always going to be with a bit of excitement occurring when NZ equalized in the 94th minute. Fair play to them on their first World Cup point. I’m sure all the sheep will be nervious tonight.

Sven Goran Ericsson is a man I hold in complete contempt for being a complete fucking charlatan but here is again, no doubt being paid a fortune to manage Ivory Coast in this World Cup with someone else having done the hard work and getting them to the Finals. He has a very talented group of players at his disposal, led of course by Didier Drogba who was playing despite breaking his arm last week – a remarkable show of toughness from a man who falls over and cries like a fucking baby virtually every week in the Premiership. Sven managed though to bore the shite out of everyone though by not allowing anyone to get forward from midfield and Portugal, including that slimy little bastard Ronaldo, were totally devoid of ideas to break them down aside from one bit of greaseball magic which saw Ronaldo hit the post.

The evening match was Brazil against 11 blokes we’d never heard of from North Korea. The magic of Brazil- would they turn on the style of old ? not a chance. It’s depressing to see that they have some severely average players this time around as well, despite one of these (Elano) netting the 2nd goal. Maicon had previously given Brazil the lead with a blast from a narrow angle which may or may not have been a fluke but the highlight of the match was the 89th minute goal by (insert Korean name here) which was as deserved as it was unexpected.

The English media today was dominated by the comments of Franz Beckenbauer who basically said that we were shit. OK, he didn’t use that work but I put what he did say through a German to English translator and ‘shit’ was the outcome. Smug tosser – yes Germany played well and England didn’t but in mitigation…. We played at altitude, you played at sea level, we played a better side, we played against 11 men all match and our keeper has dropped his one bollock for the tournament and will be brilliant from here on in.

Spain tomorrow…. Entertainment please…