World Cup Part 14 - Nowt so Queiroz Folk

Oi Ronaldo, get back in defence like the other ten !!!

TUESDAY 29th JUNE

The last day of 2nd round matches saw Japan play Paraguay and an Iberian Derby game between Spain and Portugal. As a rule, the knockout matches had been more open than then group games but Paraguay v Japan was not. If it was a Subbuteo match (look it up if you’re under 30) then both teams would have been lined up in their own half, the ball put on the centre spot and then no one was allowed to flick a player at the ball for 90 minutes. Talk about bloody boring. Paraguay to be fair were trying to play the football but Japan looked the more dangerous when they broke out and Matsui crashed a great shot against the bar before Honda shanked a left footed shot wide when he rally should have passed it. The Subbuteo didn’t improve in the 2nd half and if ever a game was destined for penalties, this was it. Fast forward to the end of extra time and at 3-2 to Paraguay, the Japanese left back Komono, hit the bar before Cardozo slotted in the winning pen. Even the penalty shoot-out was boring with no keeper getting anywhere near making a save. It was a shame for Japan who played some great stuff against Denmark but instead of being liberated by the knockout phase, they just got unadventurous and it kind of served them right a bit.

Spain were on fire at the start v Portugal with Torres and Villa twice going close, only to be denied by Eduardo in the Portuguese goal. Master tactician Carlos Queiroz had gone with his tried and tested 6-3-(thirty yards)-Ronaldo formation and the pattern of the game was set. Spain would have all the possession and try to play their way through a massed defence and when they failed, Portugal would break and try to get Ronaldo on the ball and hope he’d do something spectacular. The referee was brilliant in the first half as any time a player went down in any way theatrically, he didn’t give it. It was really funny seeing Ronaldo getting booted everywhere and not being given any free-kicks. It was all Spain but Villa was playing wide left and not seeing much of the ball and Torres was having a shocker – clearly not fit and not confident in his own ability to go past people, much like Wayne Rooney. Portugal’s breaks brought a couple of chances as Casillas looked dodgy when he spooned a long shot up into the air and just about recovered before the lump Almeida headed in. Casillas had another brown trousers moment a few minutes later when Ronaldo’s free kick moved seven different ways before bouncing off his chest and falling to safety. Half time 0-0.

You knew that the second half was going to continue along the same pattern unless someone did something and it really came down to the managers. On the hour mark, Del Bosque took off the ineffective Torres and replaced him with Llorente and Quieroz, in a show of tactical wizardry, took off Almeida, the only player giving Ronaldo any support. Within seconds, Llorente had a free header when he connected with a Ramos cross but again, Eduardo saved and the Villa fired narrowly wide after linking up with the new arrival. The bustling substitute had upset the Portuguese defence in exactly the same way as Emile Heskey doesn’t and then another flowing passing move – Iniesta into Xavi, little back heel to Villa, shoots, saved by Eduardo, back to Villa, chips the rebound in off the bar. Brilliant finish.

Of course, then Portugal had to play and they created absolutely sod all for the rest of the match and all that happened was that as they committed men forwards, Spain had more space and were always the more likely to score with Sergio Ramos going to closest, forcing another brilliant save out of Eduardo. Portugal had some decent performers with the keeper and Contrao, the left back standing out but creatively, they were bankrupt. They managed to get a man sent off in the last minute for a flailing arm at Capdevila (who is a big girls blouse) and that was it for Portugal and good riddance. It reminded me of England’s 2002 exit when we had half an hour against Brazil, 2-1 down against 10 men and didn’t manage a shot. We didn’t even have a go and nor did Portugal today. They were playing for penalties from the first minute and had no game plan for when they conceded. I hope Queiroz (like Capello) has a decent watertight contract because when you have talented players and totally fail to get the best out of them and you are in charge of a major football nation, then it usually only ends one way.

Well, let’s revisit my Round 2 predictions in true ‘Lawro on the BBC’ fashion. My predictions in brackets.

Uruguay 2 South Korea 1 (Uruguay 2-0 – pretty close)
Ghana 2 USA 1 aet (Ghana on pens after a 1-1 – pretty close again)
Holland 2 Slovakia 1 (Holland by 2 or more – last minute pen did for me)
Brazil 3 Chile 1 (Brazil just – OK, it was comfortable)
Argentina 3 Mexico 1 (Argentina 3-0, bloody consolation goal!)
Germany 4 England 1 (2-1 to England – patriotic stupidity exposed!!!)
Paraguay 0 Japan 0, 5-3 on pens (Japan 1-0, wrong…)
Spain 1 Portugal 0 (Spot on!!!, I said Portugal would be really cagey… and lose)

Now to the Quarters:-

Uruguay to beat Ghana 2-1 as Ghana have a couple of suspensions at the back and I back Suarez and Forlan to be just too much for Ghana. Could well go to extra time and deep down, I hope I’m wrong here and Ghana go through.
Brazil to beat Holland 2-0 as I just can’t see Holland defending well enough to stay in the game. Mr Stekelenberg could be in for a busy game as the Brazilians look very good when they have their full side out, which of course, they will have in this game.
Argentina to beat Germany 2-0. Like with Holland v Brazil, I can’t see the European side defending well enough to stop the South Americans scoring. The German defence looks dodgy when got at and you can be sure that Tevez, Messi and Higuain will get to it. You can also be sure that Argentina won’t defend like England did.
Spain to beat Paraguay 1-0 in a similar game to Spain v Portugal, right down to David Villa scoring the winner.

So, my predicted semi finals are Uruguay v Brazil and Argentina v Spain.

Oh yeah, England in the news again and Sepp Blatter has said sorry to us for Frank’s disallowed goal. Bit late for that you snivelling fuck though I suppose we may now get awarded 2018 out of sympathy.

It was further over than that, you wanker !!!

And finally, Some England perspective from Ireland, oddly enough. Have a look at this from Roy Keane, especially the bit near the end when he goes through the list of England players and tells you how many of them had a good season in the Premiership last year.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2010/8773716.stm

Here's a very good atricle from the Irish Times, especially the bit about Thomas Mueller

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/sport/2010/0629/1224273557820.html

World Cup Part 13 - The Day after the Shite Before

She's happy, so am I.

MONDAY 28th JUNE

Holland v Slovakia in the afternoon game, a game for which I and everyone everywhere in any part of the world that was not Slovakia, predicted a Dutch win. Arjen Robben made his first start so many of the spread betting companies would have been running their Robben specials:- Minute of first injury, minute of first blatant dive and maybe even minute of first goal. The Dutch had been steady and not spectacular in their games so far but they’d won the lot so at the end of the day, I doubt they care much. This was likely to be more of the same and so it proved as the Slovak defence allowed Robben to cut onto the only foot he can kick with and true to form, he lashed the Dutch in front on 18 minutes. The rest of the first half was pretty tame but the second half opened out with the Slovaks having good chances through Stoch which was well tipped over by Stekelenberg in the Dutch goal and through Vittek who never looked like he believed he could score. All the Slovakia attacks were coming via the managers son Weiss, who despite looking about 14, looked a very decent player. Game over with ten minutes to go as the Slovak keeper came rushing out with no plan or idea and Dirk Kuyt beat him to the ball before squaring to Schneijder to fire into an empty net. Slovakia probably deserved a goal and duly got one though a last minute penalty by Vittek to give him four goals for the tournament.

He’s one of my hate figures but I have to say, in the interest of fairness, that Dirk Kuyt had a brilliant game. Ok, he’s taken over from Ruud Van Nistelrooy as the ugliest Dutch player but he was excellent today nonetheless. Talking of ugly players and again with a Liverpool connection – Martin Skrtel, bloody hell. He shouldn’t be allowed to play in any match that kicks off before 9pm in case there are kids watching.

To the evening and Brazil v Chile. Brazil, near as dammit, had their first XI on the pitch and what a difference to the last match. Juan, the centre half who should have been suspended, opened the scoring on the half hour with a thumping header from a Maicon corner and though you could argue that Chile were having most of the possession and looking good, Brazil never looked like conceding (which reminded me of England not) and always carried a threat themselves. This was illustrated five minutes later when Robinho broke away at pace on the left, fed the ball into Kaka who weighted a brilliant pass into Luis Fabiano who went round the keeper and slotted for 2-0. Brilliant goal. Half time came and went but we were all done on the hour when Ramires ran through three half headrted challenges before the ball broke to Robinho to curl it first time into the corner. Another brilliant finish and game over. Chile kept going in the quest to get the goal they deserved but not to be and Brazil through to play Holland in the Quarters. Interestingly, most observers seem to think that Howard Webb had a decent match refereeing this so maybe England do have a chance of getting to the final after all. With all due respect Howard, it’s just not the same…

Meanwhile in Rustenberg, Fabio Capello is facing the media and offering up player tiredness as an excuse and admitting that he spoke to his boss at the FA and said he wants to stay on. The FA are taking two weeks to decide which means they are looking to see if they can afford to sack him having removed the ‘fuck off with no compensation’ clause just before the tournament started. If memory serves, didn’t they do that with Sven Goran Eriksson before Euro 2004 where we were similarly shite. Joking aside, I expect they’re weighing up where they could get anyone who could do better. Certainly, no one could be better qualified than Capello but as I said yesterday, he lost the plot when it mattered most. Interesting to think back to Eriksson who also, always did well in qualification before being as useful as an ash tray on a motorbike in the tournaments… makes you think that it must be the players who either can’t handle the pressure, are too knackered or who just aren’t good enough to play against the really good sides. Certainly though, I feel that there are managers out there who could have got more out of our players and though I hate to endorse him, Harry Redknapp is the one who springs to mind. If Capello is gone in a couple of weeks though, expect the tax evasion case against ‘Arry to miraculously fall apart….

Our fans have been praised though for being well behaved which is nice though I bet there was at least one incident last night of a German fan being hospitalised with a Vuvuzela sticking out of his arse.

A circus midget sucking on two golf tees.

World Cup Part 12 - Ok Franz, you were right.

When is a goal, not a goal... ?

SATURDAY 27TH JUNE

Due to England making a balls of the group and finishing second, here we are playing a team we didn’t really want to be playing this early in the competition, Germany in the 2nd round. The mood in the camp seemed to be confident because England were improving and the Germans weren’t as good as they’d looked in beating a desperately poor Australia side 4-0. Also, the German team was very young and our players were at their peak and we had every reason to be optimistic.

Capello had picked the same team as he did for the Slovenia match so Upson was preferred to the fit again King and free from suspension Carragher and Steve Gerrard was again out left with Jermain Defoe up front with Rooney. This was the game when Rooney would fire and actually do something….

For the first twenty minutes, England looked OK-ish and had some decent possession without ever looking like scoring. It was all a bit pedestrian though midfield and the balls upto Defoe and Rooney were not sticking, allowing the Germans to clear without too many problems. Worryingly, on their one foray forward, Klose had got through and James had had to pull off a sharp stop. So, 20 minutes gone and the ball with with Neuer in the German goal and about 5 seconds later it was in our net as his big punt forward sailed over Terry who was in totally the wrong place and bounced ahead of Upson who was not covering behind him. Klose got in, easily holding off Upson to slide the ball past James. An absolutely disgraceful goal to concede. Rule Number 1 of central defending – don’t let the fucking ball bounce, Rule Number 2 – one goes up for the header, one covers behind.

Ten minutes later and it’s even worse as Ozil breaks down the German right where Ashley Cole is nowhere to be seen. Firstly, Upson comes charging out of the middle and overcommits, the ball is slipped to Klose and Terry overcommits as well. So, 3 England defenders out of the game and Johnson has to come across and he gets cut out as Klose slips it to Podolski who has enough time to have a shite first touch before rifling the ball under James and in off the far post. 2-0 and more shit defending.

We needed to score before half time and duly did when Milner’s short corner was crossed by Gerrard for Upson to head home. 55 seconds later were were in dreamland as Defoe fought for a loose ball on the edge of the German box and it popped up for Lampard to cushion a volley over Neuer and in off the bar. Everyone in the ground be they German or English knew it was over the line as did everyone watching on TV around the World. Everyone knew on the first viewing that it was over – except the fucker from Uruguay with the whistle and the fucker from Uruguay with the flag. Meanwhile, the Germans are up our end having a shot in a situation eerily similar to Argentina in 98 when Sol Campbell scored, England had 5 off the pitch celebrating and the Argentines were up our end going for goal. The TV replays confirmed what we all know… it was a good two foot behind the line, miles over, not even close. Half time 2-1 down but still in it and hopefully to be spurred on by the injustice of it all.

England started the second half well and piled on the pressure with the German defence featuring Crouch-a-like Mertersacker creaking under the strain. We got a free kick on the edge of the box when Defoe was fouled on 52 minutes and Lampard for once got it somewhere near the goal, only for it to ping off the bar with Neuer beaten. It’s not going to happen is it… Fifteen minutes later we have nother free kick and this time Lamps fires it into the wall – and ten seconds later it’s in our fucking net again. The ball rebounds off the wall to Barry who instead of hitting it or controlling it, fucks it up and gives it away. Mueller races away and feed Schweinsteiger who carries it forward and returns it to Mueller who smashes it in. There will be some criticism of David James for the goal as it seemed to go through him but hang on a minute, the guy had a free shot from about 10 yards. This goal was totally 100% down to Gareth Barry who is our defensive midfielder, our insurance, our protector of the back 4. Firstly he gave the ball away in a position far too far forward from where he should have been and as Mueller scores, you notice that the midfielder flying in to try and stop him is Frank Lampard and Barry isn’t even in the fucking shot.

Five minutes later it’s all over as another lightning break down our right become critical as Ozil gives Barry a 10 yard start in a 12 yard race a beats him before carrying it forward and squaring for Mueller to score again. Four fucking one and we’re done, game over. Gerrard manages to force a decent save out of Neuer in the closing minutes of the game but we were all done. Capello then made a couple of abysmal substitutions to finish us off. You need to score 3 goals in 15 minutes so what you need is to bring on a striker who never scores, and on plods Heskey. Of course, to feed the striker who never scores you need a winger who can’t beat anyone and can’t cross the ball – so on comes Shaun Wright-Phillips.

David James 8 – Kept us in it in the first half and our best player by a mile despite letting in four goals. Felt sorry for him because of the carnage going on in front of him.
Glen Johnson 3 – Can’t defend for shit, not good enough against decent opposition.
Ashley Cole 4 – best of a bad bunch defensively
John Terry 3 – Had a hand in the first three German goals with bad positioning. Needs a quick, right footed partner to play with.
Matthew Upson 2 – Never an international footballer in a million years.
James Milner 3 – One good cross, deservedly subbed, too slow all game.
Gareth Barry 1 – Garbage. He is not a defensive midfielder. Could maybe do a job as one of two holding midfielders but totally bypassed by the much quicker Germans.
Frank Lampard 6 – thought he did Ok today, scored a perfectly good goal and hit the bar. At least looked like he cared.
Steven Gerrard 5 – not too bad but some dreadful shooting in the second half when there were others better palced. Has not mastered the Jubulani and doesn’t seem to be shoot with it.
Wayne Rooney 1 – Crap, complete crap. Lets not kid ourselves we’d have been any better with Rooney up front on his own – he would still have been shit and there wouldn’t have been anyone near him to pick up all the balls that bobbled off him. He cannot have had four games in a row that bad in his life and we would have done better with Crouch and Defoe up front in all four matches. Biggest let down of the tournament. You’re only as good as your strikers and that means we were shit.
Jermain Defoe 4 – never got a sniff but at least tried hard.
Joe Cole 2 – Came on, gave the ball away, bugger all else.
Emile Heskey 0 – don’t think he touched the ball. There are 50 centre forwards playing up and down the country who are better than this crock of shit.
Shaun Wright-Phillips ? - didn’t play long enough but hif he had, he would have got no more than a 2 because that’s his level.

Fabio Capello – where do you go from here ? I’ve been a big Fabio fan since he came into the job but he’s lost the plot since we qualified. Some truly baffling decisions culminating with todays substitutions. To me, the make up of the squad was poor and the balance of the team was all wrong. We only take 4 strikers and one of them is Heskey who never scores and another is Crouch who is not going to get much game time even though he scores loads of goals. We then leave Walcott at home who can also play as a striker and take Lennon and SWP who are one trick ponies on he right wing. We play our best midfielder out on the left which is fine against crap sides but exposed against decent sides, we have no natural left winger in the squad, we have no decent defensive midfield platform, we have no pace in the centre of defence and even a fit Rio wouldn’t have sorted that one out. The list is endless and a lot of it has to be down to the manager. Build a fucking team, not a collection of individuals. We got away with all this shit and looked good in qualifying because the teams we played were, on the whole, poor. Germany are not poor, they aren’t fantastic either but they are a damn sight better than us.

Germany will play Argentina in the Quarter Final after they predictably blitzed Mexico 3-1. They had a scare early on when Salcido smashed one against the bar but once Tevez gave them the lead the result was never in doubt. The Tevez goal was another farce as he was about five yards offside when he scored. No real issue until they replayed it on the big screen at the ground and everyone saw that it was offside including the ref and lino but they couldn’t change their mind and the goal had to stand. Mexico then imploded as Assorio made a complete balls of a pass across the top of his own box and Higuain nipped in, rounded the keeper and scored. Ten minutes after half time and Tevez showed everyone how the smash the Jubulani and rocketed a shot into the top corner from 25 yards for what for me, is the goal of the tournament so far. Hernandez scored a consolation for Mexico but they were never coming back from that.

When I wrote about the Thierry Henry handball in the France v Ireland playoff game I hoped that technology would now be used instead of continually finding shit reasons why not. Sepp Blatter refused because he is a complete arse. He authorises a new ball that is a fucking nightmare but today we hd a goal that was not given despite being miles over the line and one that was given even though it was proved to be wrong. Both England and Mexico would in all honesty, probably gone out anyway but had the correct decision been reached both times, Mexico would have been 0-0 v Argentina and England would have been 2-2 v Germany – and as we know, goals change games.

Of course, Franz Beckenbauer got to give another interview. Was he modest in victory or did he stick the boot in again like a smug tosser ? Yep. Mick Jagger supported his second losing team in two nights and runour has it that The National Lottery ar paying him to go support Germany in the next round...

World Cup Part 11 - Do the Desailly

A night on the piss with Mick Jagger or home to the wife ?

SATURDAY 26th JUNE

Straight into the ‘Round of the Last 16’ as all the TV commentators somewhat pompously call it. We’ve dispensed with the 12.30 kick offs and so we now have 3pm and 7.30pm which when I started watching football, were the only kick off times. None of this 5.45 bollocks back then. Uruguay and South Korea were first up and I’m still having trouble looking at the draw and realising that one semi finalist is going to be out of these two teams, Ghana and the USA. No point in fretting now but of course, England should be where the USA are but like I said… no point in fretting through gritted teeth or otherwise.

Uruguay started the stronger and looked the more likely and soon took the lead as Forlan crossed low from the left and the keeper kind of went for it and then didn’t and then fell over and almost left it – all of which gave Luis Suarez a tap in on the back post. Either sie of half time, the Koreans were the better side and deservedly equalised when Lee Chung Yong beat Muslera (the Uruguay goalkeeper) and headed home for the first goal Uruguay have conceded. Twenty minutes to go and all to play for but it was Uruguay who won with a quite brilliant goal from Suarez who created space for himself on the edge of the box and curled a right footed shot, in off the far post. His celebration was good too, running off behind the goal and leaping over the photographers. I thought he looked crap in the first couple of games as well and he’s now equal tournament top scorer with 3.

The evening game saw the final African representatives, Ghana, playing England…. Sorry, the USA. I’ve managed to steer clear of local English League stuff mostly in the World Cup blogs but….. after five minutes, Kevin-Prince-Skate-Bastard ran through from the half way line and placed a shot inside the near post of the badly position Tourette Tim who said ‘bugger, fuck, near post, shit, wank, bad positioning, twat, bollocks’. Having pointed out the ‘DAVID VILLA’ thing yesterday, why the fuck does the soon-to-be-ex-Skate have ‘PRINCE’ on the back of his shirt. The rest of the first half was a bit nip and tuck but in the second, following a couple of substitutions, the Americans were much better and it seemed a matter of time before they equalised which they duly did as Dempsey was hacked down in the box and Donovan converted the spot kick via the inside of the post. A word on Dempsey… he’s a big old unit, good in the air and strong but he’s a big fucking girl. The super slo-mo high def replays highlight this as you can see he’s pulling a ridiculous ‘pain face’ before the Ghanian has even touched him. He always follows this up by lying on the ground for a few minutes. Be a man you tosser. Other replays show Bill Clinton giving it large. He’s in a private box but we don’t know who she is. Also celebrating like a mad man is well known American, Mick Jagger from the American state of Kent.

90 minutes and extra time starts and the Americans look the stronger but their Achilles hell (crap defence) comes to the party when a big punt forward brings a challenge between Gyan and Bocanegra. Bocanegra tries to barge him over and actually nuts him but Gyan stands up and lashes a left footer over Tourette Tim for 2-1. Brilliant strike and one which Dempsey would never have made because he’d have been lying on the ground with his pain face on. The Americans are a bit of a busted flush now and have a couple of half chances but the Ghana keeper, Richard Kingson and the whole defence and midfield play superbly for the remainder of extra time and they hang on. Brilliant and Africa goes nuts… none more so than Marcel Desailly who is dancing around and not making too much sense in his excitement as befits a man who won 116 International Caps. Think how excited he would have been if he’d won them for Ghana instead of France after deciding to play for them instead of his country of birth. To be fair – he was only 4 when he moved to France and learned all his football there.

Anyhow, I predicted both the winners so hopefully that will continue tomorrow….

Bring it on…. and now over the Franz Beckenbauer for the England team talk.

World Cup Part 10 - The Brazilian Way

She's bored... but who cares

FRIDAY 25th JUNE

Brazil v Portugal was supposed to be the match of the tournament – well it certainly was the most attractive looking fixture in the groups. Trouble is that neither team needed to win and neither team seemed too bothered about winning. In short – it was shit and like a training game. Brazil nearly fluked it in the last minute when a hopelessly off target shot was nearly deflected over the keeper but this would have been an accident. Talking point of the game was when Brazil’s Juan blatantly handled, denying Ronaldo a run on goal. There’s only one decision available to the ref at this point and it’s a red card… but he bottled it and went for yellow so I hope it’s his last game. A sending off at that point may have made it interesting but as it was…. Boredom and apathy. Brazil had rested a couple and the players who came in looked very very ordinary… Julio Baptista… he was average years ago when he played for Arsenal. On the sideline, Dunga was doing his nut and Carlos Queiroz was standing there, smug personified. I don't like him and this comes from the year he spent doing Sir Alex's post match interviews for him.

There were some losers as a result of the bore draw, other than the fans who’d paid to watch. They were the Ivory Coast who needed a Brazil win and a goal avalanche against North Korea to get them thorough. They won 3-0 but it didn’t matter, though there was a fantastic piece and control and shot from Drogba which led directly to the 2nd goal.

The last group to be finished saw Spain v Chile and Switzerland v Honduras. Despite havnig won their opening two games, Chile were vulnerable as if they lost, Switzerland only needed to beat Honduras by two goals. Spain had to win to make sure of progressing and they got a decent start on 25 minutes when the keeper came out and tackled Torres on the edge of the box and the clearance fell straight to David Villa who thumped it back first time into the empty net from 40 yards. Pardon my ignorance but why does David Villa have 'DAVID VILLA' on the back of his shirt and not just 'VILLA' ? Anyhow, 2-0 quarter of an hour later as Inesta passed in a lovely shot rom the edge of the box. In the build up to this goal, Torres had been tripped off the ball by a Chilean defender who had already been booked so 2-0 and 10 men. Chile got one back after half time when Millar's shot was deflected by Pique but around the hour mark, with the other game still being 0-0, everyone seemed to settle for a 2-1 win for Spain and it all went to shit and keep ball broke out. Spain are pretty good at keeping the ball anyway but they're especially good at keeping it in their half when all the Chileans are in their own half. Pretty bloody poor really.

So, Spain won 2-1 and the bloody boring Swiss couldn't manage a goal against honduras and drew 0-0 meaning Spain and Chile deservedly go through and now we know the last 16. My predictions are as follows...

1. Uruguay to beat South Korea 2-0 - with Forlan and Suarez up front, Uruguay have the firepower to dispose of South Korea who both score and let in quite a few. Don't think much of the Koreans who were lucky they had the truly dreadful Greeks and Nigerians in their group.
2. Ghana to beat USA on penalties after a 1-1 draw - maybe I'm being a bit optimistic here because Ghana have only scored two goals and both of them were penalties. I think I just don't want the USA getting into the last 8 and it would be cool if an African team kept going.
3. Holland to beat Slovakia by more than two- as close to a 'gimme' as you're going to get. The Dutch haven't been tested defensively as yet and they won't here either.
4. Brazil to beat Chile - but only just. Brazil won't be as bad as today but the Chileans have a lot of talent and are a little unhinged so I predict a riot. The return of man city reject, Robinho and Elano should make Brazil function better, as will the return of that Kaka bloke.
5. Argentina to beat Mexico 3-0- the Argies are just too strong. Mexico are a tidy side but I can see them getting blown away here. Messi hasn't scored yet, bet he does here....
6. England to beat Germany 2-1 - they're not great and I'm sure we won't go in with an inferiority complex. The same staring XI as the Slovenia game should see us nick this one. Like Messi, Rooney is waiting to go. Hopefully, stupid, burnt out England will kick and rush their way into the quarter finals. This last sentence brough to you by Franz Beckenbauer (who is now in 'damage limitation' mode).
7. Japan to beat Paraguay 1-0 - though Paraguay play some decent stuff, I see Japan winning as they have more of a cutting edge up front with Honda and Endo and Paraguay need 15 chances to score a goal.
8. Spain to beat Portugal 1-0 and that Ronaldo ponce to be blubbing like a baby at the end. Portugal have not shown that they can attack against anyone other than North Korea and I expect them to be rally cagey... and lose.

So - my predicted quarter finals are... Uruguay v Ghana, Holland v Brazil, Argentina v England and Japan v Spain

World Cup Part 9 - Heroes to Zeroes

What do you mean, "Save it" ?

THURSDAY 24th JUNE

Group F’s final two games were Italy v Slovakia and New Zealand v Paraguay. Italy were in an identical position to England the night before, in that they had to win or go home. Both the Italians and the Slovakians are not the most exciting of teams so I was expecting a dour 1-0 to Italy but the cat went amongst the proverbial pigeons when a dreadful square pass across the back 4 by de Rossi was intercepted, one pass, goal for Vittek. It got worse for the Italians just after half time as Vittek nipped in front of the dozing Chiellini and scored at the near post. Italy, as they do, got a bit of urgency with the introduction of Pirlo and Quagliarella which sound like a fancy ice-cream flavour. It all went nuts in the last 10 minutes with first di Natale pulling one back to put the Italians within one goal of qualifying. A minute later it was in the net again via the Ice Cream boy but the dodgy English linesman had his flag up for offside. Quagliarella’s leg was in front of the last defender when the ball was crossed which is offside if (and this is a big if) that rule that was introduced about ‘daylight’ doesn’t still apply. A few years ago, when they kept pissing about with the offside rule, I’m sure that it was modified to give the benefit to the attacker and say that there had to be daylight between attacker and defender to be given offside.

Fresh from the heartbreak of having a goal disallowed, the Italians defended a throw in like a school team and allowed a midfielder to burst onto the throw and chip the keeper for 3-1. Italy usually have the excellent and imposing Buffon in goal but he’s injured and the replacement Marchetti looks like a performing dwarf from a circus. Basically, he’s crap and I don’t think he’s actually saved an on target shot in the two and a half games he’s played. Ice cream boy pulled one back but it was by now the 93rd minute so out they went 3-2.

Whenever Italy go out there is always a case of what might have been. They were superb for the last 20 minutes going forward but it had taken them two games and 70 minutes to show any attacking momentum. Many of their squad will be retiring now so a word for Fabio Cannavaro who in the 2006 World Cup, was the best defender I’ve ever seen, bar none. He’s 36 now and this was one tournament too many for him but in his prime, what a player.

The other game finished 0-0 so New Zealand go out despite not losing a game. I wonder what the odds were on that happening. Paraguay go through as group winners though they will be concerned at their lack of a clinical finisher. They had all the play today but came up with a blank. Slovakia finish 2nd s that’s a nice 2nd Round game for Holland and Italy…. finish last… unlike with the French though, it doesn’t give me much pleasure to say that.

Denmark and Japan were both on three points going into the game against eachother, Holland were already through and were playing Cameroon who were already out. One of the features of the World Cup has been the much maligned Jubulani ball and the fact that no one can take a free kick with it without ballooning it out of the park. Enter the inscrutable Japananese and specifically, Honda who smashed one dead straight from 35 yards which Thomas Sorensen obligingly left a big gap for. On the half hour it was 2-0 as this time, Tommy boy lined up his wall in the wrong place, allowing Endo to nonchalantly curl one in from a similar distance. The Danes who needed to win to go through, tried to respond but had n idea aside from the hoof upto Bendtner, who was getting no change out of the Japanese central defence. Sorensen did his best to throw another one in at the start of the second half, fumbling a tame lob into the box, onto his own crossbar. The Danes had a great chance to pull one back when Tomasson had a free shot from 8 yards but trying an airshot and connecting only with your standing leg is not the way to go about it. He did manage a goal five minutes later but even then, he ballsed a penalty first and then bobbled the rebound apologetically into the net. It was if then, that Japan woke up and Honda tricked his way into the box and laid it on a plate for Okazaki to make it 3-1 and confirm Japan going through to face Paraguay.

In the meaningless match, Holland beat Cameroon 2-1 and the only thing of note really, was the appearance of the perma-injured Arjen Robben who came on as a sub and smashed a great shot against the post which rebounded to Huntelaar to steer in from a difficult angle for the winner. The win confirmed Holland in top spot, going through to play Slovakia. It would be rude not to mention Cameroon’s Rigobert Song who came on as a sub to play in his 4th World Cup, looking like a Rasta Father Christmas with blonde hair and beard…. Very odd.

The knockout draw is shaping up and one half of the draw, England’s half is looking not too clever. All we need now is Portugal to beat Brazil tomorrow and the Brazilians are in our half as well….. watch this space.

Unbelievably, Franz Beckenbauer has seen fit to open his trap again, apparently we're 'stupid' not to have won the group. It's not as if we did it on purpose mate... I think he's bricking it myself.

...

Now give it back and go home...

World Cup Part 8 - Anyone for Penalties ?

Remember this Franz ?

WEDNESDAY 23rd JUNE

Today it was all about England, who, lest we forget, have been abysmal so far. All the permutations had been analysed but let’s cut to the chase here, win and we’re through, anything else and we’re out. Yes we could technically go though with a draw but it’d have to be 3-3 or something so unlikely. After all the shite since the Algeria game, England replaced the suspended Carragher with Upson, replaced Blind Alley Lennon with James Milner and replaced Sack-of-Shit Heskey with Jermain Defoe. Steven Gerrard was still stuck out on the left so I was expecting another disjointed performance.

The first 10 minutes were dreadful and a continuation of the Algeria match. Slovenia didn’t look upto much but neither did England. England should have felt like they were at home with vociferous backing from the crowd and a cabbage patch to play on, just like Wembley. Milner was having a shocker for England for the first 20 minutes with every single touch resulting in the ball being given away. The next time he got it though he fired in a peach of a cross where the onrushing Defoe nipped in front of his marker and smashed it over the keeper for 1-0.

For the rest of the first half it was all England with the Slovenian keeper being an irritating bastard and saving everything. The save he made from Gerrard’s side footer was particularly annoying as I’d had one of those moment when you stand up and yell ‘goal’ before sheepishly sitting down and getting something to mop up the drink you’ve just spilt.

Half time and 1-0 to England and the Yanks are 0-0 with Algeria meaning as it stands, England are going through as top of the group. There have been chances for both sides in this match but the US have had a goal disallowed that looked onside and Altidore has put a volley on the moon when he was only 4 yards out.

England came flying out again in the second half and should have made it 2-0 straight away when another Milner cross was punched as far as Barry who returned it to Defoe who flapped at it rather and scuffed it wide. As the half wore on, more chances came and went as the bloody keeper saved again from a JT header and managed to tip a Rooney shot from 6 yards onto the post. In truth, that was a dreadful miss – OK a good save but he shouldn’t have even seen the ball, let alone managed to get anywhere near it.

Rooney was soon subbed and replaced with Joe Cole before the moment we’d all been waiting for, the introduction of Heskey in place of the goalscorer Defoe. Slovenia in truth didn’t get near the goal but all the back 4 at one time or another made important blocks at vital times. It was nervy, solely because it was only 1-0 but the final whistle went and we were through and were top of the group…. and then the bloody Americans scored to win 1-0 and top the group, meaning we were now finishing 2nd and in the toughest half of the draw. In the post match analysis, Gary Lineker pointed out that due to Landon Donovan’s last minute goal, we’d now be in the half of the draw that would contain Argentina, Germany and Spain.. Who do I blame… Landon Donovan… nope, he was doing his job… Robert Green… we have a winner!!! To be honest, I don’t give a toss – we’re through and that’s all that matters. Spare a thought for Slovenia who were qualifying until the last minute goal for the US which was watched by Bill Clinton who will probably not be having sexual relations with any woman tonight. He’ll probably be having it with 3 or 4.

England marks….

David James 8 - Faultless, didn’t have much to do but did everything well. It’s a funny day when you realise that James is a calming presence on the back 4 . he may be nearly 40 but he’s still the best we have by a mile.
Glen Johnson 6 – not too clever at times and picked up a booking
John Terry 8 – the perfect game for him against two big lumpy centre forwards, a couple of great last ditch blocks as well. Didn’t shag anybody.
Matthew Upson 7 – I was dreading him playing but he did ok. Would have got a 6 but for an excellent tackle right at the death.
Ashley Cole 7 – Constant threat going forward and sound defensively. Divorce proceedings obviously not bothering him.
James Milner 8 – some of his play was poor but the delivery into the box was everything that Lennon and Wright-Phillips can only dream of.
Frank Lampard 7 – Dug in well and made some forward breaks without ever getting the ball at the right time.
Gareth Barry 7 – Steady Eddie was steady.
Steven Gerrard 7 – Stuck to his wing more than usual and some good interchanges with the forwards. unlucky not to score.
Wayne Rooney 6 – Obviously still bothered by something and should have scored. Ankle knock forced him off with 20 to go.
Jermain Defoe 7 – didn’t do much other than score – we’ll let him off.
Joe Cole 6 – Some nice pissing about by the corner flag to waste the last few minutes.
Emile Heskey ? Not enough time to be truly dreadful.

Oh yeah, Fabio’s interview – brilliant. He really cares.

Now to the evening where Ghana played Germany and Serbia played Australia. There were many permutations that could have happened but the only ones I was interested in were ‘Germany lose…’ and ‘Germany draw and Serbia win’ which both of course meant that Germany and Franz were gone.

Both matches were 0-0 at half time and dream of a German exit were dashed on the hour mark when Mesut Oezil smashed Germany in front from the edge of the box. Australia then threatened to make it interesting by scoring two goals in a couple of minutes through Cahill and Holman before Serbia immediately pulled one back when Mark Schwarzer coughed up a Jubulani shot and Pantelic poked in the rebound and that was the end of the scoring meaning that Germany won the group with Ghana going through in 2nd to at least give Africa a team in the 2nd Round. The Aussies and Serbia went out and will be missed by not many people I expect.

And the kicker…. Germany v England in the 2nd Round on Sunday. I wonder if Franz regrets having a pop at England now. Anybody for penalties.... do you fancy it Franz?

World Cup Part 7 - We'll miss you France

Raymond Domenech with all his friends.

TUESDAY 22nd JUNE

The real business starts now with no more second chances. First up are France and South Africa who are both virtually dead already, playing at the same time as Uruguay and Mexico who both need a draw to go through, the only problem with a draw for either side being that whoever came 2nd in the group would face Argentina in the last 16… and you don’t want that if you can avoid it.

The French... oh the French. First it was revealed that ‘four players who are past their best’ had orchestrated the whole strike threat and from the team selection, you could tell that Evra and Abidal were two of them. The only surprise to me was that Gallas wasn’t as well. When in the last chance saloon, France duly did sod all except let in a goal when the usually sound keeper Lloris flew, punched and missed for a big south African centre back to head in, having climbed all over a defender. Put it this way – I’ve seen them disallowed. Straight after that, Gourcuff showed he is the new Zidane after all by getting sent off. At the time, everyone was raving about it being a poor decision but what replays are you watching guys ? He jumps into the player with his elbow raised and catches him in the face. I’m ready to believe a ‘South African / FIFA’ conspiracy is in place but no way, he deserved to go. Just before half time and 2-0 to Bafana Bafana (what does that mean by the way ?) and Uruguay are beating Mexico 1-0 with a headed goal by Suarez. As it stands at half time, South Africa need a two goal swing to go through. Sadly, there was only one goal in the second half of both games and that went to the French through Florent Malouda and so Group A finished with Uruguay top, Mexico 2nd, South Africa and France, 3rd, 4th and out.

I really wanted those two to go out but I must admit to feeling a bit sorry for South Africa in the end. They certainly added something to the tournament and I liked the togetherness of their team and all the singing and dancing as they came onto the pitch etc. Compare and contrast to the French who are just arseholes. They added nothing to the tournament at all and good bloody riddance. If I was French I’d be pretty unhappy anyway but especially at the moment – talk about disrespecting your fans. To cap it all, Raymond Domenech refused to shake hands with the South African manager, Carlos Alberto Parreira who was Brazil’s manager when they won it in 1994. Nice bit of respect there you total muppet. Also, remember how the French qualified at Ireland’s expense...

(http://leagueoneminus10.blogspot.com/2009/11/hand-of-frog.html)

...and then think of what the Irish would have added to the tournament. OK the football may not have been the best but they’d have been better than bloody France and their support would have been magnificent.

Group B’s climax saw El Nutjob bring half his reserve team to play Greece. As two off those reserves were Champions League winning Diego Milito and $50million’s worth of Sergio Aguero, I don’t think we can accuse them of fielding a weakened team. Argentina of course, were already through but Greece could still make it with a better result than South Korea managed against Nigeria. The Greeks brand of football is a cure for insomnia with one striker, one goalkeeper, five defenders and four holding midfielders. Argentina were always going to score and finally did in about the 70th minute through DiMicheilis before 57 year old sub Martin Palermo scored in the last minute to earn himself a Maradona hug and arse groping. Nigeria went 1-0 to South Korea so they were going through but the Koreans fought back to go 2-1 up before Yakubu produced the miss of the century by rolling wide from 4 yards with no goalkeeper or defenders anywhere near. It’s a staggering miss but it didn’t stop him netting a penalty to make it 2-2. Needing one goal to go through and one to knock South Korea out, they created a golious chance which Obafemi Martins dinked over the keeper…. and wide. So, another African team gone, that’s Cameroon, South Africa and Nigeria all gone….

Bye bye France, don’t let the door hit your ass, enjoy the reception and the fall out when you get home…

World Cup Part 6 - Fabio takes no Shit

...and the winner by TKO is...

...the Italian Stallion..... Fabio Capello

MONDAY 21st JUNE

The return of the winker that is Christiano Ronaldo as Portugal took on the inscrutable North Koreans. The first half was a contest with Portugal going in 1-0 up through a goal from Mereiles. In the second half, North Korea made the mistake of trying to get back into it and soon found themselves 4-0 down before falling apart completely and ending up getting dicked 7-0. Pretty boy managed a goal as he tackled the keeper, got lucky as the ball came down on the back of his neck before he nonchalantly volleyed it in. The bloke is a genius but he has a face you would never tire of punching. North Korea out and have fun explaining that one to your leader, chaps.

Chile were up next against Switzerland who made things hard for themselves by going down to 10 men on the half hour when West Ham’s Bahrami, swung a couple of stiff arms in quick succession which was all the referee needed to send him on his way. Switzerland, because they are the most unambitious and defensive team in earth, managed to hold out with 10 men for ages before Mark Gonzalez (another of Rafa’s buys that didn’t quite work out) headed in the winner. Chile continued peppering the goal but couldn’t put it to bed and the Swiss had a glorious chance to snactch a draw I the last minute but their centre forward missed an open goal from about 8 yards. Dreadful, dreadful miss. Chile for their part look like Paraguay did last night, great going forward but wasteful.

Spain were up next against Honduras and this was a run of the mill 2-0 victory with both goals from David Villa who really should have been sent off for a bit of a gay slap as at defender. It is was in an English league game, he’d get a retrospective red card as the ref didn’t see it so it will be interesting to see if he gets banned here. The Honduran defender went down a good 8 seconds after the contact which was hilarious and pathetic in equal measure. Villa also managed to miss a penalty as well but it didn’t matter as Spain knew they had done enough. If they beat Chile in the final game then they will go through as they will be above the Chileans on 6 points. However, Switzerland will no doubt beat Honduras so it’ll probably be three teams on 6 points and I’d say that Chile will be the vulnerable ones despite having won their two games so far. What is ironic is that Chile or Switzerland could go out with 6 points whereas England, USA and Italy could go through with 3. I think Chile v Spain will be a brilliant game and if Chile get a point then Spain are going home…

Oh yeah, the soap operas of France and England… word is coming out of the French camp that some players may refuse to play against South Africa…. For me, if that happens then France should be thrown out of the 2014 World Cup. More importantly and less surprisingly, Fabio Capello has firmly dismissed the hysteria brought up by John Terry’s press conference yesterday. He confirmed that it was just John Terry and none of the other players, basically shooting his mouth off and it’s a ‘big mistake’ to do this in public. Oh to be a fly on the wall when he speaks to JT….. Personally I think Terry will have done the camp some good with his outburst – at the end of the day he wants to win and I don’t really know why but it has made me more confident than I was, that victory will be achieved on Wednesday and we’ll squeak through….but I feel that Capello has won this particular battle and reasserted his authority completely. The media will be in meltdown until Wednesday though and tomorrow’s papers will be worth avoiding. The Daily Mail today used the word ‘Mutiny’, thus keeping up their 100% record when it comes to being completely fucking wrong.

World Cup Part 5 - Revolution !!!

JT's Room, Rustenberg, Monday

SUNDAY 20th JUNE

Firstly, news from the French camp where Nicolas Anelka has been sent home by the manager and the players have all refused to train in protest at the French Federations handling of the situation. Bizarrely, the players get the manager who Anelka had the bust up with, to read out their militant letter explaining that they are refusing to train. Domenech has the air of a man who knows he only has to put up with this shit for another couple of days. He reads the statement and he looks like he doesn’t give a toss any more. Meanwhile, Patrice Evra has had a barney with the fitness coach who is caught on video dramatically hurling his accreditation badge thing to the floor. In addition, some French Federation bigwig has quit in disgust. Fantastic. Wonder what Michel Platini makes of it all.

To the football and Paraguay continue their impressive form with a comfortable 2-0 win against Slovakia who in truth, offer nothing at all. Like all the south American sides, the Paraguayans are brilliant in possession but do tend to squander chances, taking until the 82nd minute to make the game safe with a second goal.

Italy – or ‘England in Blue’ as they should be known, take on group minnows New Zealand so it’s Current World Champions versus team that doesn’t even have a professional league. NZ go 1-0 up through ex-Halifax superstar Shane Smeltz and Italy get back in it with an arbitrary penalty decision when the ref just decides that a bit of shirt pulling means a penalty. De Rossi’s shirt is pulled one way and he falls the other. Anyway, penalty and Iaquinta scores. NZ go into full defensive mode and are quite brilliant at keeping the Italians out and in fact came closest to winning it when Wood fired wide in the last minute. Anyway, best result in NZ football history, complete with topless women in the crowd which is something that never happens enough and certainly did it for Robbie Savage on the radio commentary. They really are like England in that they have decent players who play for decent clubs but struggle like mad. Also, the top clubs in the Italian league are full of foreigners… I mean, Inter Milan won the Treble with a team made up of South Americans with European passports – not an Italian amongst them.

Refereeing reached a new low in the Brazil v Ivory Coast match in the evening when Brazil were 1-0 up through Luis Fabiano (great shot that was) and the same player played keep-uppy with his arm twice, before scoring the decisive second goal. Courtesy of BBC HD, we got a replay of the ref running back with a big smile on his face, miming the ball hitting his arm and presumably asking Fabiano if he handled it. ’Not me Sir’ said Fabiano and so the goal stood. You can imagine Emile Heskey running after the ref to tell him that he did handle it and getting the goal disallowed. Silly me… that implies the big bollocks had scored I the first place. 3-0 soon after when Elano tapped in a Kaka cross and then Sven substitution masterclass with three like for like substitutions - charlatan. Brazil slacked off and Drogba pull one back with a neat header. What everyone will remember from this game though was an Ivory Coast defender running into the back of Kaka and going down holding his face, even though the contact, if there was any was at lower rib level. The referee who wasn’t even looking decided it was a 2nd yellow and off he went. An absolute joke.

In the evening, the England camp decided to go a bit French and John Terry decided that a few weeks without shagging anyone was not on so he decided to shag himself by publicly going to war with Capello over tactics and especially, Joe Cole’s omission. Bigging up a player who is not in the starting XI only going to be seen one way by any manager – as a direct challenge to his authority. It was very entertaining though and in one respect, you have to pat him on the back for speaking his mind but talk about being up yourself. For what it’s worth, I agree with Terry but I wouldn’t be surprised if JT awakes with a severed horses head in his bed on Monday morning and we’re lining up with Upson and Dawson at centre backs on Wednesday.

World Cup Part 4 - Taxi for Heskey & Podolski

Laugh....? Oh yes...

FRIDAY 18th JUNE

Germany against Serbia was supposed to provide evidence that Germany were the new football master race and Franz Beckenbauer certainly expected this to be the case. The opening 20 minutes of the game wasn’t pretty and it was never going to be as the referee booked anyone who made any sort of challenge for the ball. Klose, the main German –Polish striker made the mistake of trying to tackle someone on two separate occasions and was sent off on the half hour mark. Whilst they were still re-organizing, they want 1-0 down as the right winger skinned the useless lump of a German left back (Batstuber), crossed and it was converted by Jovanovic. I always find it amusing when Germany concede but especially when they’ve just had a man sent off because it implies a lack of organization and efficiency, doesn’t it Franz. The game meandered on and the pivotal moment came when Vidic pointlessly, stupidly and ridiculously, dived to head a ball in his own penalty area and handled it, under pressure from no one. Up stepped the German-Polish striker Podolski to ruthless despatch the penalty with typical German efficiency…. Only he missed it, Ha ha fucking ha, must have been his Polish heritage coming to the fore. And then they gave up and did nothing for the remaining 20 minutes and their young team looked a bit like little boys lost. Great stuff and well done Serbia.

USA and Slovenia in england’s group was up next and to my delight, Slovenia raced into a 2-0 lead which lasted until half time and the Yanks looked doomed. Tourette Tim Howard said “shit, fuck, bugger, fuck, wank, Heskey”. Sadly, the US came out and scored through Landon Donovan straight after half time and from then on, looked the more likely winners. The managers’ nipper equalized with ten minutes and two minutes later they had the ball in the net again and it was disallowed. The cross came over and the whistle went for the foul – then someone stuck it in the net. It’s not a if anyone at any point thought it was a goal so stop bloody going on about it. The game ended 2-2 which was a pretty decent result for England.

The evening kick off of course bought England round again, this time against Algeria who are thought to be generally crap and England should win comfortably and with style and stick Franz’s words right up his arse. After the Green fiasco in the last match and the media explosion that followed, the 100% correct decision was taken by Capello to put David James in goal. More debateable however were the decisions to bring in Gareth Barry and move England’s best outfield player and captain to the left wing and keep Emily Heskey in the team. You can’t call Heskey a striker because he doesn’t ever ‘strike’. Replace the work ‘strike’ with ‘wank’ and you’re getting there.

England again look disjointed and there is nothing happening up front with Rooney not getting the ball which if you remember, is the only reason that Heskey is in the team for. Gareth Barry is doing ok in his first game for 6 weeks and Gerrard is flitting in and out with some sort of intent. Algeria begin to look a bit threatening and soon the ball comes down from the sky on top of James and he flaps it away in none to convincing fashion and it’s like Rob Green is still here. From and Algerian corner, taken by Belhadj, James makes a superb catch under pressure and suddenly, Rob Green is history. Note that James is an England player and Belhadj (and Yebda for that matter) are Skate Bastards.

It’s all a big load of nothing for the rest of the first half and in we go at 0-0 but most worrying is that we’ve hardly had a shot aside from a Lampard effort which was clawed away by the keeper. The second half begins and Carragher gets booked, ruling him out of the Slovenia match. Following this, Capello has obviously despaired at the fact that Lennon has not managed a single decent run or pass all game and replaces him with Joe Cole… oh no he doesn’t, he replaces him with Shaun Wright-Phillips. Heskey gets the ball out on the right wing and surges upfield with what looks like real intent until he is confronted by the left back, at which point he stumbles over the ball before regaining his balance and hoofing it behind the goal – fucking clown. He is eventually put out of his misery and replaced with Defoe who immediately snapped a shot just over the bar. Crouchie gets his token 8 minutes at the end but never really gets on the ball as he’s such a difficult guy to give the ball to, being 8 foot 3 and all that.

And so it ended, 0-0, absolute shit.

James 8 – one flap aside, proved what everyone already knew which is that he should have played the USA match. I reckon that if he had we would have beaten USA and would have therefore also beaten Algeria.
Johnson 5 – Some poor defending and not a lot going forward.
A.Cole 7 – Totally committed and gave us some decent width on the left.
Terry 7 – Solid, didn’t have much to do, managed to keep his dick in his pants
Lennon 3 – Shite to be honest – again proving that Walcott should be out there
Barry 6 – Tired but at least you could always see what he was trying to do
Lampard 3 – Barry’s inclusion was supposed to allow him to drive forward and dominate the game – he didn’t.
Gerrard 6 – Flitted about, looked willing but it’s so obvious he hates playing out on the left… also, the passed it when he had a sight of goal which he NEVER does for Liverpool, causing me to swear out loud which in turn caused my 11 year old daughter to leave the room in disgust
Heskey 0 – not his fault he gets picked but he’s shite and enough is enough. You cannot expect to win a World Cup with a centre forward who is not a goal threat and if a striker is not confident then he’s never going to be any use. Not a striker, a wanker.
Rooney 2 – Alarmingly bad. If he wasn’t who he is then he would have been substituted. Brett Ormerod would have done better to be honest. No fight, no enthusiasm, no strength, no ball control – absolutely nothing… and then an ill thought out swipe at the England fans for booing. Get a grip boy…
Wright-Phillips 1 – Garbage – should never have been in the 30, let alone the 23, let alone on the pitch, one trick pony of the worst kind, just pace and nothing else.
Defoe 6 – At least looked lively
Crouch ? – Not enough time again.

I’ve been a big fan of Fabio Capello up to now but he’s worrying me. The ignoring of Joe Cole, the inclusion of Heskey and Wright-Phillips, Gerrard on the left, shit players in the squad (Carrick, Upson, Wright-Phillips), better ones at home (Parker, Adam Johnson, Jagielka, Walcott), dodgy substitutions, picking Green for the USA game… and I’m worried he’s going to bring in Upson for the suspended Carragher on Wednesday and Upson is another player who should not be out there as he’s had a crap season….. also, in order for England to do anything, our big players have to perform and these are Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney. Lampard and Rooney have been shocking so far and unless they sort it out, we’re going home early. I can see us scraping the win to get us though to the last 16 but if we line up against Slovenia with Heskey in the side then we’re coming home on Wednesday. My side would be James; Johnson, Dawson, Terry, A.Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Barry, J.Cole; Gerrard; Rooney. If he wants to play two out and out strikers though, there has to be a case for leaving out Lampard and of course, Heskey must not play...ever... again

SATURDAY 19th JUNE

Didn’t watch much today as I was on the beer. The odd snippet of Holland and Japan was viewed though my glass as Holland won 1-0 with a Jubulani goal as Wesley Schneijder hit a shot that the keeper dived right for, only to see it disappear over his left shoulder and into the net. Holland closed it out and are the first team through to the next round.

Following their pasting by Germany, Australia took the lead v Ghana before Harry Kewell was sent off for handball and Ghana made it 1-1 from the resulting penalty. In case you’re reading Harry, you handle it on the line when the ball was going in, you get a red card, you get off the fucking pitch, you don’t hang around arguing for 10 minutes while the rest of us look at replays which clearly show you handling the ball on the goal line, making you look even more like the bell end I suspect that you are. I have never like Harry Kewell, a classic ‘wage packet’ player who has loads of ability but a shit attitude.

A shocking pass across their own penalty by a Dane, gave the ball to Samuel Eto’o who said thanks very much and smashed it in the net. Denmark equalized when the walking wig that is Nicklas Bendtner slid in a Rommedahl cross. Chances apleanty for both side but Rommedahl won it for Denmark when a Cameroon defender waved him past and he curled a nice shot into the far corner which made Cameroon the first team to go out.

World Cup Part 3 - Allez les Bleus

Hey Shorty, France are shit !!!

WEDNESDAY 16th JUNE

The final games of the first round of matches take place today with Honduras facing Chile, two teams who I knew nothing about. Chile have been tipped by many to be a surprise package and they certainly played some good stuff, battering Honduras for pretty much the whole match but only winning 1-0. They play an almost Spanish style of football so it should be good to watch when the two teams meet in their group. Today though, Spain were playing Switzerland and set about them in their usual way of pass, pass, pass and you’re not having it. I’m sure the possession stats at one point showed Spain with 104% but despite all this, all they didn’t test the keeper in the first half. Alan Shearer, Lee Dixon and Clarence Seedorf were all confidently predicting a Spain win, ‘matter of time’ and all that so they must have been amused to see the Swiss take the lead after 52 minutes with a goal that involved a cartwheel, a kick in the head, bodies everywhere and a toe poke finish from 3 yards. Spain continued to play some beautiful football but the closest they got was Xavi Alonso smashing a shot onto the bar. It was a strange effort for this World Cup in that it was from outside the box and he managed to hit it properly and not send it into orbit or bobble it along the ground. It must be the ball that’s causing this but maybe players are getting the hang of it. Anyhow – the Swiss held on for 1-0 to prove what you can achieve with hard work. Spain should still be ok as they’ll beat Honduras and should beat Chile but I reckon the Chileans will give them a scare. Spain will do well to win the group now so if they go through as second place, are likely to play Brazil in the 2nd Round.

South Africa played Uruguay in the first of the 2nd round of matches and got hammered. As I said earlier, I’m wanting them to go out and this has virtually done for them. 1-0 down to a deflected Forlan effort and being outplayed, their keeper hacked down Suarez, the Uruguay forward who looks about 12. Penalty, red card, five minute delay whilst new keeper puts his boots and gloves on, Forlan, 2-0, Good night South Africa and the fucking horns fell silent for a minute if blissful silence. Salt was rubbed in the wound in the 94th minute with a 3rd goal was bundled in. Diego Forlan looks a great player, the complete opposite of what he looked in his years at Man Utd. All Saints fans remember his first goal for them which was of course, against us when he ripped his shirt off and won the ball back whilst trying to put his shirt back on.

So, Uruguay now have 4 points, South Africa, France and Mexico 1. What we need is Mexico to beat France tomorrow and then Uruguay and Mexico can hold hands for 90 minutes and draw 0-0 which would eliminate both France and South Africa. As cunning plans go, it’s pretty cunning.

So, everyone’s played once and the best so far…. Germany, the worst….. France.

THURSDAY 17th JUNE

Today is the day that the World Cup actually got intertesting as decent football broke out, especially in the Argentina v South Korea match, though it has to be said that a lot of this was down to abysmal defending. Gonzalo Higuain scored a hat-trick from a combined distance of 4 yards in addition to a comedy own goal and Korea’s goal was down to an Argie giving them the ball ten yards out and asking them to have a shot. All cameras again were on Diego Cocaine on the sidelines and much though I dislike the little bastard, his press conferences are amusing. He followed up his assertion that his players could have sex as long as the women did all the work by telling the world that his girlfriend was 31, blonde and beautiful.

Greece and Nigeria were producing one of those games that is mind buggeringly dreadful until one of the Nigerians, in a dispute over a throw in, decided the best way to sort it out was to boot the Greek player in the thigh, right in front of the referee. Off you go and even a plea of temporary insanity won’t save you pal. Nigeria were 1-0 up at the time but Greece soon equalized with a big defletion before winning it in the second half with a Jubulani goal. A shot was thumped in from the edge of the box and was heading to the keepers left until is suddenly diverted and hit his hand just in front of his right knee. The rebound was not kind and so Greece won 2-1 and now have a very decent chance of going through, unlike Nigeria who need a miracle.
Also needing a miracle are plucky France who despite being overwhelming underdogs against Mexico, managed to keep the score down to 2-0 is a display of passion, spirit and determination. The determination and steel of Evra and Gallas, the world class ability of Abidal,Gignac and Govou. To be honest, France were completely consistent with their first match – absolutely dreadful with no team spirit, hence at the end, all the remaining players warming up miles away from the bench so Raymond Domenech Football Genius couldn’t have put them on, even if he’d wanted to. Mexico on the other hand were pretty handy with a goal from Hernandez and a penalty from Blanco who looks the same age and weight as me (41 and 15 stone). The penalty was hilarious – Barrera ran at the defence, Evra gave up and just let him run into the box where he waited until Abidal dived in like a twat and fell over him.

Goodbye France… my cunning plan from yesterday is taking shape … France and South Africa out… couldn’t have scripted that one better myself.

World Cup Part 2 - Franz Beckenbollocks

Ze Englanders ist scheisse !

MONDAY 14th JUNE

I picked out Holland v Denmark as my game to watch for the day. It was the 12.30 kick off and I was looking forward to seeing the Dutch who pissed through qualifying and when they get it right, are unstoppable, despite the presence of Dirk Kuyt who,despite being one of the most untalented footballers I’ve ever seen, manages to play effectively for Liverpool and for the Dutch national side. Holland also feature Mark Van Bommel who is one of the nastiest, dirtiest, most horrible players around. The game kicked off and for the first 10 minutes, it was World Cup 2010 boredom….. and then I woke up with the commentators shouting ‘own goal’. Somehow I’d slept through the first half and the half time interview, coming to as the replay of the gangly Danish left back heading a clearance onto Dan Agger and past Thomas Sorensen for an own goal. He compounded the error by grinning which is not the sort of reaction you want to see. Danish centre back Kjaer was being hyped as a possible signing for a Premiership club but he looked pretty average and was badly ball watching as a shot came back off the post and was followed in by my mate Dirk. 2-0 to the Dutch and pretty easy but not particularly impressive.

It was more impessive than Japan v Cameroon which was a trulty dreadful game which ended 1-0 to Japan with a goal from Honda, from a through ball from Mitsubishi, following a one-two with Suzuki. People of my age watch Cameroon and expect the 1990 side who were wonderfully entertaining and slightly unhinged in a brutal sort of way. See one of my favourite bits of World Cup action ever…




This incarnation played their best player (Samuel Eto’o) out on the right wing and he hardly got a kick. There was no mention of him signing for Portsmouth soon on the commentaries. That just left Italy v Paraguay which was heading for a 1-0 to Paraguay until the Paraguay keeper did a Superman impression with his eyes shut and gifted De Rossi and equalizer. Italy – the defending champions – look a desperately poor side but then they always do in the group games. I bet they make the last 4.


TUESDAY 15th JUNE

I was out all day so mercifully, I didn’t watch New Zealand v Slovakia or Portugal v Ivory Coast. 1-1 and 0-0 respectively. The New Zealand game was poor like it was always going to be with a bit of excitement occurring when NZ equalized in the 94th minute. Fair play to them on their first World Cup point. I’m sure all the sheep will be nervious tonight.

Sven Goran Ericsson is a man I hold in complete contempt for being a complete fucking charlatan but here is again, no doubt being paid a fortune to manage Ivory Coast in this World Cup with someone else having done the hard work and getting them to the Finals. He has a very talented group of players at his disposal, led of course by Didier Drogba who was playing despite breaking his arm last week – a remarkable show of toughness from a man who falls over and cries like a fucking baby virtually every week in the Premiership. Sven managed though to bore the shite out of everyone though by not allowing anyone to get forward from midfield and Portugal, including that slimy little bastard Ronaldo, were totally devoid of ideas to break them down aside from one bit of greaseball magic which saw Ronaldo hit the post.

The evening match was Brazil against 11 blokes we’d never heard of from North Korea. The magic of Brazil- would they turn on the style of old ? not a chance. It’s depressing to see that they have some severely average players this time around as well, despite one of these (Elano) netting the 2nd goal. Maicon had previously given Brazil the lead with a blast from a narrow angle which may or may not have been a fluke but the highlight of the match was the 89th minute goal by (insert Korean name here) which was as deserved as it was unexpected.

The English media today was dominated by the comments of Franz Beckenbauer who basically said that we were shit. OK, he didn’t use that work but I put what he did say through a German to English translator and ‘shit’ was the outcome. Smug tosser – yes Germany played well and England didn’t but in mitigation…. We played at altitude, you played at sea level, we played a better side, we played against 11 men all match and our keeper has dropped his one bollock for the tournament and will be brilliant from here on in.

Spain tomorrow…. Entertainment please…

World Cup Part 1 - Robert Green

Behind You, You Fucking Idiot

FRIDAY 11th JUNE

France v Uruguay was my pick for Day 1, mainly because I was out for South Africa v Mexico. That particular game ended 1-1 which was a shame as I want South Africa out as soon as possible. I am still scarred by the 2002 World Cup in South Korea when fair play went out the window and some incredibly odd refereeing decisions helped Korea to the Semi finals. So – as we have another minnow hosting the thing, I want them out in the group phase before it becomes important. I listened to a bit of it on the radio or rather, I listened to the Vuvuzela noise of a thousand wasps and a commentator trying to shout over the top of it – I will not refer to the Vuvuzela again and it shall be referred to as ‘Those Fucking Horns’. I tuned into France v Uruguay hoping to see two strong teams who would ensure South Africa get knocked out. However, Uruguay qualified through a playoff and we all know how France got there with the Hand of Henry.

A lot of the names in the French team are familiar though the Champions League and you always expect them to be a decent side but lets cut quickly to the chase here – they are shite and when you look at the players they have and the manager they have, it’s not surprising. Lloris in goal is OK and the back 4 is alright with Gallas, Sagna and Evra in there, along with Abidal who is a shocking player who happens to play for Barcelona, one of the biggest clubs in the world. It’s an interesting phenomenon where you have a shite player playing for a great club. Think Djimi Traore at Liverpool and you’re getting there with Abidal – big donkey. Replacing ZZ in midfield they have Yoann Gourcuff who is just bollocks. Gets it, gives it away, crosses it over everyone. Then you have Franck Ribery who (if you believe the media) was attracting bids of 60 million Euro last summer. Average at best and a graduate from the Iain Dowie / Brett Ormerod School of Beauty. Thierry Henry’s legs have gone so no more Va-va-voom and that leaves Anelka who never really got the ball unless he dropped back to the half way line. Worst of the lot was Sidney Govou who was picked ahead of Florent Malouda who has had a brilliant season. Govou was a complete embarrassment until he was eventually substituted by the genius that is Raymond Domenech, manager of the Century. The best thing about France is that I have them in the sweepstake, along with Japan, who I feel will get me more points.

The game…? Oh yeah, it was dreadful and 0-0 and they should have refunded all the admission money to the paying customers who bought a ticket thinking they were going to see a football match.

SATURDAY 12th JUNE

Day 2 saw South Korea beat Greece 2-0 and Argentina hammer Nigeria 1-0. with Argentina, all the focus is on the fat, cocaine snorting, cheating bastard and not on the players they have on the pitch which is a shame because any team that has Messi, Tevez and Higuain in it is worth watching, for more so than that little shit. Of course, Day 2 saw England play the USA.

Due to unbelievable timing, my missus needed picking up from Southampton Airport at 7.10 with the game kicking off at 7.30 so I missed the first five minutes. I was listening to Those Fucking Horns on the radio when Gerrard scored and nearly crashed the car but luckily I was the only car on the motorway. Home and in front of the TV, sorted, Robert Green, oh my god. Usually I would let rip big style but I’m sharing a sofa with my kids, aged 5, 9 and 11 so I managed to restrict it to ‘idiot’ as I threw myself back into the chair. ‘Dad… why did he do that ?’. ‘Yes son, I know you would have stopped it and you’re only 5 and yes, Grandma would have stopped it and she’s been dead 5 years’.

After half time, Lennon puts Heskey through with just the keeper to beat. I was transported back a couple of years to Bradley Wright-Phillips playing for Saints. He’s clean through and I’m not on the edge of my seat, I know he’s not going to score so what’s the point in getting excited. Blam, straight at the keeper. I just shut my eyes and sighed. Talking of Wright-Phillips, Shaun gets the ball laid to him on a plate by Rooney and he too has just the keeper to beat and instead of smashing it, he tamely chips into Tourette Tim Howard’s hands. I sigh again and then the camera shows SWP clearly laughing. I ask him ‘WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT YOU DICKHEAD ?’ to the mild amusement of my 9 year old but the 11 year old is a bit of a sensitive type and goes to find her mum. Apparently she said that ‘Daddy’s not been too bad but he’s just said a naughty word…. But it’s ok, as it’s one I’m familiar with’.

Moving on and Altidore skins Carragher and bobbles a shot at the near post which Green again makes a complete ricket of and it bounces off his hand onto the post and out. Imagine if he’d added a near post bobbler to the one he let in earlier. He should have got a good hand to it and pushed it round the post but thank Christ he got lucky this time. England have the better of the play and create chances with Lampard and Rooney going close but nothing’s really happening and it ends 1-1, not a disaster, not a great start.

My England Marks out of 10 are:
Green 0 – just abysmal goalkeeping, no excuses, just crap, off you go, never play for England again, you’re not good enough, you’ve been crap all year for West Ham as well.
Johnson 8 – storming game, some great runs forward and solid enough at the back
A.Cole 7 – not too bad though didn’t offer much going forward but good to see that his divorce isn’t playing on his mind too much.
Terry 7 – Solid, kept his concentration and didn’t shag anyone
King 5 – Slow and injured at half time, not a surprise on either count.
Lennon 6 – Very quick, very erratic, better than Walcott?
Lampard 6 – Not seen much but was playing anchor role in midfield which he did well at even though it’s foreign to him.
Gerrard 8 – Great goal and some good tackling. A real Bryan Robson performance – very impressed
Milner 4 – Ran about for half and hour, got booked, did nothing. Wasn’t fit, shouldn’t have played.
Rooney 6 – Looked dangerous when he got the ball which wasn’t often. Would do better up there on his own.
Heskey 6 – Same old same old, set up the goal but when we needed him to score, bollocksed the best chance of the match and the sad thing is – everyone (including himself and Capello) knew that he would.
Wright-Phillips 4 – Rubbish, not good enough to play in his best position and certainly not good enough to play on the other side.
Carragher 6 – He did ok aside from the aforementioned skinning. I expect him to play the next game from the start.
Crouch ? Not enough time for our big centre forward who can actually score goals.

Disappointed but following England has never been easy. Today was mainly worrying because the first cracks appeared in Fabio Capello’s selection with his main decisions being Green in goal, King at centre back and Milner on the wing. These all went wrong but of course it all comes down to the goalkeeper. If he’d saved that and we won 1-0, then no one would be talking about the things that weren’t quite right. I trust him to get the right team on the pitch for the Algeria match, one that includes David James, Joe Cole and Gareth Barry.

SUNDAY 13th JUNE

Germany against Australia was up on the next day and I expected this to be similar to England v USA. The ‘big’ team should win but the opposition are decent enough to make a very good game of it. I watched it with the hope of an Australian win. 4-0 to the sodding Germans and not only that, they looked really, really good which is never nice to see. Three up front who all look dangerous (and all scored) and three in midfield who all worked hard and could all pass the ball with Khedira and Ozil looking class players. If we come 2nd in our group then we’ll play the Germans and then we can all go home. The only chink of light is that Australia were truly dreadful and played the last half hour with 10 men after Tim Cahill’s deserved (I don’t give a shit what anyone else says) red card.

There were also two real stinker matches today, one of which, Algeria v Slovenia was in England’s group as Slovenia won 1-0 with a goalkeeping error almost as bad as Robert Green’s. Another abysmal match saw Ghana beat Serbia 1-0. Serbia were well hyped before the tournament by the English media, mainly because they have a Man Utd player in their team. Aside from Vidic though, they are pretty average and my tip to be the first team eliminated when they take on Germany in their next game.

So, best team so far – Germany, worst – France. Germany aside, the standard has been poor and those fucking horns are really annoying.

L1-10 Midfielders and Attackers Review

If our strongest line up had been on the pitch then the right side of midfield would be taken by Jason Puncheon who is, as is the trend these days, very left footed. A mercurial player who was given the very heavy Matt le Tiss comparison when he signed in January from the MK Fake Dons. Le Tiss and heavy in the same sentence, who’d have thought? Undaunted, Punch scored a couple of early goals for us by cutting in on his good foot and curling it in the far corner which bought him a bit of time as a new player. Very skilful and a good dribbler but it comes with the territory that he’ll have some games where nothing at all works and it’s painful to watch. The stats show though that he’s worth persevering with as he does make things happen and he does create goals. I read a fans report on the Hartlepool home game and it said that Punch was awful and kept giving the ball away. When I saw the highlights on the telly, I noted that all three goals had been set up by the man who was apparently awful. For those who can’t remember, Le Tiss used to give the ball away a lot and would often look a bit silly because he’d tried something outrageous and it hadn’t quite worked. Punch isn’t in his class but he’s a decent player and a very astute signing. A loanee from Reading by the name of Michail Antonio was the other main player on the right wing and played a fair few games there in the first half of the season. After Christmas, he got used as a striker occasionally but was back on the wing whenever Punch was moved elsewhere. He is blessed with a lot of pace and a slightly odd running style which looks like his head is about to fall off. He’s another that can be poor but he makes things happen as he’s very direct and when on song, is unplayable at this level and towards the end of the season, started adding goals to the armoury which already included the pace and a Delapesque long throw. Reading were apparently keen to move him on at the start of the season and his contract was up but he’s done so well for us that they extended his contract by a year to make us pay a fee. It’ll be interesting to see if we go back for him. I think we should as he‘s an exciting player who will only get better. There were a few bit-part players used on the right wing: Papa Waigo N’Diaye would fire over some decent crosses on the rare occasions that he wasn’t offside and he finished a fair few games out there as he got thrown on as a sub at the end when we needed a goal. Right wing was Lloyd James’ 2nd most inept positioning in that his defending wasn’t such an issue but his appalling crossing was highlighted more. Also used very occasionally was Jake Thomson who is following Lloyd out the door and rightly so. He weighs about 7 stone and plays like he should still be in age-group football. He was loaned out to Torquay for most of the season but sadly, he played for us in a home game against Brentford where we ended up with James at right back and Thomson at right midfield and they both stood and watched as the left back ran past them and crossed for a goal. The next time we’ll see Thomson will probably be in the World Cup 2014 as he’s declared allegiance to Trinidad and Tobago.

Central midfield was a strange area this season and one that I don’t feel we ever really got right. The defensive midfielder was usually Morgan Schneiderlin and therein (in my opinion) lies the problem. When on song he’s a great ball player and can drop a ball on someone’s foot from miles away. The trouble for me is that he does it from too deep. On the rare occasion he has got towards the oppositions box this season he has made things happen and he has the ability to get goals and assists on a regular basis. He is much improved on last season and added some steel to his game, flying into tackles and managing to be the only Saints player sent off all season, a feat he managed twice. The red card at MK Dons was harsh but he gave the ref the opportunity by grabbing the bloke round the throat. The one at Yeovil was just petulant and stupid. If he improves again next year and plays further forward then we’ll have some player on our hands. Dean Hammond was the other central midfielder and skipper of the side and man charged with being a box to box player and getting some goals. He managed this to a reasonable degree and had a solid season. Again with him I feel he could do more and maybe being charged with being the holding player rather than the attacking one would be the way to go. He’s physically imposing, likes sliding around and kicking people, works bloody hard and has a good engine, whilst creativity is not really his thing. I would like to see him control games a bit more which he should be able to do at this level. At the end of the season, following Morgan’s latest red card, Jason Puncheon was playing in the middle but he’s better suited out wide where it’s less congested and he can work his magic and it doesn’t matter as much if he coughs up possession. The main reserve player for central midfield was Paul Wotton Football Genius. If I could go for a pint with any player, it would be him – honest as the day is long. He’s a very limited player but he knows it and has squeezed out a decent career at Plymouth and Saints with good attitude and hard work as his selling points. He knows he’s not ever going to be a regular, is happy with that and is used mainly as a sub to kill the game. When introduced, usually with us one goal up, he either got to the pace of things straight away and did everything right or alternatively, he was five minutes behind the play and never got a touch, only hoofing the odd player into orbit if they got in his way. He has another year on his contract and it was nice to see him start the JPT Final at Wembley. Central midfield was Lloyd James best position by far which isn’t saying much and he did have a few games in there which were decent when partnered with Hammond. When he stuck to winning the ball and passing it five yards then he was ok but anything more than that, forget it. Also, if he messed up a pass, he kept on doing as if trying to prove that he could, rather than just cutting his losses and keeping it simple. Talking of simple – Jacob Mellis – fucking hell. Signed on loan from Chelsea, the next big thing, England under 19 captain and all that …. Shite. Not fit for purpose. Maybe he didn’t want to be here cos that what it looked like whenever he played. Some nice touches on occasion but basically rubbish and not up to rough and tough League 1. He went back to Chelsea in January – officially they wanted him back for their FA Cup run (which of course he never played in) but I reckon Pards was on the phone to Carlo Ancelotti saying whatever ‘take him back he’s shit’ is, in Italian. A mention too for Simon Gillett who is also moving on. At 24 it was now of never for Simon and ‘never’ was the winner. On loan to Doncaster in the Championship for most of the season and apparently he did ok but was never going to get a game here. He had to be something special to make up for only being 5 foot 2 (5 foot 7 officially – my arse!!!) and despite him having some decent games under the Dutch Clowns, I was never convinced by him and don’t feel that this one will come back to bite us. So, Gillett at 5 for 2 and Oscar Gobern at 7 ft 2 and about 8 stone of Carlton Palmer lookalike central midfielder. Bambi doesn’t look ready yet and is one to watch for next season where I personally don’t see him making much of an impression unless he seriously beefs up and the same applies to Callum McNish who made on appearance this season.

The left of midfield was owned by Adam Lallana which sorted out the question of where he was going to play this season. Adam had an excellent campaign that yielded 20 goals and some excellent performances due to him being more direct and more willing to take on the full back. If he managed to get himself one on one with the right back then usually good things happened and he was a pleasure to watch this season. Personally, I love the way he kills a ball which may have come down with snow on it – fantastic touch. He worked a lot harder this season than before as well and benefitted from a long run in the team and a regular full back behind him. He could and should have scored more with some of his finishing being particularly wasteful as he tried to pass the ball into the net when the whole crowd was of the opinion that he should ‘just fucking hit it’. Personally I’d like to hit Lee Holmes, not because I advocate violence but because he’s a soft bastard who would just sit on the floor crying and wouldn’t hit me back. Usually I’ll back a player with ability but what’s the point with this guy? His effectiveness is questionable as he hasn’t got the pace to beat a full back and you can’t rely on a nice touch to do everything for you. Surprisingly recalled to the team around Christmas from out of nowhere and then discarded again just as quickly. No word for a while and then shock of shocks, injured again and there’s no such thing as a one week layoff with this guy, on no, it’s six months or nothing. A strange lad and I remember one game when he was absolutely knackered after 10 minutes which was really odd given that he’s allegedly very fit. I was hoping his contract would be up in the summer but apparently he has another year. I’d like odds on him playing more than 10 games next season. Joseph Mills had the odd game on the left wing as well which only served to confirm that he’s a full back and Papa Waigo N’Diaye started a couple of games on the left so he could be offside from a different perspective. Some can be a right footed player on the left and then there’s Papa. I'm not sure which position Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain favours but he's one youngster that I'm genuinely excited about. He has a rare confidence about him for a 16 year old and is not afraid to take on big lumpy defenders who are going to try and kick big lumps out of him. His dad played for England so the pedigree's there - mind you, Bradley Wright-Phillips dad also played for England.

Up front, Pards favoured the big guy-little guy combination and we’ll start with the little guy. Marek Saganowski started the season in the team, mainly because we hadn’t managed to sell him and we had no one else. He didn’t want to play in League 1 and it showed as a player who had played in Euro 2008, managed to do nothing against League 1’s finest. Undoubtedly a good player but undoubtedly couldn’t be bothered at the end and his one decent moment of the season was diving to win a penalty against Yeovil. We finally managed to flog him to some team from some country where you’d never want to go. David Connolly was finally signed on a one year deal after proving to Pards that two years of injuries and not playing were behind him. To start with all was good and a fine player scored some great goals and quite a few of them and then the inevitable happened and he did a Pahars and disappeared for 4 months. It was a real shame as he has a cleverness of movement, speed of thought and a deadly finish that is not evident in many other forwards in this League. Sometimes he can be a bit Ormerod with his first touch and lack of shielding of the ball but I always feel that he’s just feeling his way into games and almost waiting to get injured, like he doesn’t trust his body to hold up. Connolly’s injury problems meant that we muddled by with one striker over Christmas until the January transfer window came round and we signed Lee Barnard from Southend. Looking back, I think this was a bit of a Championship Manager signing in that we bought a player who had scored a lot of goals for Southend and was cheap as he was coming to the end of his contract. At the start it certainly looked like he couldn’t play well with Rickie Lambert due to them both not being the quickest but as time went on, Barnard started playing deeper and the two worked well. He doesn’t seem to have convinced the manager completely though as you know that he’ll be the first man subbed even when he’s played well. The other thing that is guaranteed is that he will start arguing with the ref, usually with justification but he goes all red in the face and looks like he’s about to throw all his toys out of the pram and stamp on them. I have a 5 year old son who I send to his room when he acts like that. That said, I think he’s a big player for us next season and having settled in now and he’ll be banging them in for fun as like Connolly, he has an intelligence about his movement that will always create opportunities, even if he’s not the quickest. Talking of quick, Papa Waigo N’Diaye often found himself up front and he’s another that makes things happen as he has that air of unpredictability about him, the opposition don’t know what he’s about to do and Papa, sure as shit doesn’t know either. He scores and creates goals and as has already been mentioned, is always offside, I mean always. It’s not just a foot or two because he just got caught, it’s usually by about 10 yards, it’s not because a defender moved up behind him and he didn’t see him, it’s usually when he’s on the wing and can see everything. A great character though with dancing feet and it was one of my moments of the season when he scored and milked the celebration at the JPT final. I don’t think he’ll be back next year but I hope he is.

Our big, rough, tough, centre forward at the start of the season should have been Grzegorz Rasiak who was neither rough or tough and who wanted away asap so he only played a cuople of games before being sold to Reading. So, the job went to Matt Paterson and he scored in the opening game and looked promising. He disappeared off into the reserves for a bit and didn't do much. When Barnard was signed from Southend, they needed a player in return and so Paterson was off. I got the impression at the time that it was a necessary sale and that we didn’t really want him to go but when Southend came to SMS on the last day of the season he missed two absolute sitters and reminded me that he had no composure in front of goal which is a bit of a problem when you’re a centre forward. Matt’s replacement was of course, Sir Rickie Lambert who was signed for a million quid from Bristol Rovers. He arrived with a reputation for scoring goals a being a bit of a fat boy so of course, he got the No 7 shirt. He scored after 20 minutes of his first Saints game and never looked back, finally ending the season on 37. Right foot, left foot, headers, long range, incredibly long range, scruffy tap ins, penalties, free kicks, you name it, he can do it all. In addition to all this, he developed into a very good target man and held the play up brilliantly to bring others into play. He’d be playing in the Prem if he was quick and luckily for us, he’s not. Also, he managed to lose weight throughout the season and maintain the strength to play virtually every minute of every match. I did think he looked completely knackered from about Christmas to March but he still managed to keep scoring. Player of the season by a mile and we should be looking to keep him here for the rest of his career. Long live Sir Rickie….

It obviously remains to be seen whether Michail Antonio and/or Papa Waigo return next year and if they don’t, we need to add some pace to the side or at least, to the bench. We also need a player in central midfield to pressurise Schneiderlin and Hammond and Pards has intimated as much already. Up front, Sir Rickie will score goals by the bucketful again next year and both Connolly and Barnard will get their share with hopefully, Connolly staying fitter and available for more games (assuming he re-signs). The thing that could blow a real hole in our promotion prospects is an injury to Lambert and we have to sign a similar type of player to guard against this, ideally someone who can play up with Rickie or instead of him, good for 15 games a season. It would also be nice to allow Rickie to sit on the bench occasionally. Lambert, Lallana and Schneiderlin are all going to be linked with other clubs and we have to hope that we can hang on to all three. If we can and add to the squad, we’ll be flying…

Bring it on….