Behind You, You Fucking Idiot FRIDAY 11th JUNE
France v Uruguay was my pick for Day 1, mainly because I was out for South Africa v Mexico. That particular game ended 1-1 which was a shame as I want South Africa out as soon as possible. I am still scarred by the 2002 World Cup in South Korea when fair play went out the window and some incredibly odd refereeing decisions helped Korea to the Semi finals. So – as we have another minnow hosting the thing, I want them out in the group phase before it becomes important. I listened to a bit of it on the radio or rather, I listened to the Vuvuzela noise of a thousand wasps and a commentator trying to shout over the top of it – I will not refer to the Vuvuzela again and it shall be referred to as ‘Those Fucking Horns’. I tuned into France v Uruguay hoping to see two strong teams who would ensure South Africa get knocked out. However, Uruguay qualified through a playoff and we all know how France got there with the Hand of Henry.
A lot of the names in the French team are familiar though the Champions League and you always expect them to be a decent side but lets cut quickly to the chase here – they are shite and when you look at the players they have and the manager they have, it’s not surprising. Lloris in goal is OK and the back 4 is alright with Gallas, Sagna and Evra in there, along with Abidal who is a shocking player who happens to play for Barcelona, one of the biggest clubs in the world. It’s an interesting phenomenon where you have a shite player playing for a great club. Think Djimi Traore at Liverpool and you’re getting there with Abidal – big donkey. Replacing ZZ in midfield they have Yoann Gourcuff who is just bollocks. Gets it, gives it away, crosses it over everyone. Then you have Franck Ribery who (if you believe the media) was attracting bids of 60 million Euro last summer. Average at best and a graduate from the Iain Dowie / Brett Ormerod School of Beauty. Thierry Henry’s legs have gone so no more Va-va-voom and that leaves Anelka who never really got the ball unless he dropped back to the half way line. Worst of the lot was Sidney Govou who was picked ahead of Florent Malouda who has had a brilliant season. Govou was a complete embarrassment until he was eventually substituted by the genius that is Raymond Domenech, manager of the Century. The best thing about France is that I have them in the sweepstake, along with Japan, who I feel will get me more points.
The game…? Oh yeah, it was dreadful and 0-0 and they should have refunded all the admission money to the paying customers who bought a ticket thinking they were going to see a football match.
SATURDAY 12th JUNE
Day 2 saw South Korea beat Greece 2-0 and Argentina hammer Nigeria 1-0. with Argentina, all the focus is on the fat, cocaine snorting, cheating bastard and not on the players they have on the pitch which is a shame because any team that has Messi, Tevez and Higuain in it is worth watching, for more so than that little shit. Of course, Day 2 saw England play the USA.
Due to unbelievable timing, my missus needed picking up from Southampton Airport at 7.10 with the game kicking off at 7.30 so I missed the first five minutes. I was listening to Those Fucking Horns on the radio when Gerrard scored and nearly crashed the car but luckily I was the only car on the motorway. Home and in front of the TV, sorted, Robert Green, oh my god. Usually I would let rip big style but I’m sharing a sofa with my kids, aged 5, 9 and 11 so I managed to restrict it to ‘idiot’ as I threw myself back into the chair. ‘Dad… why did he do that ?’. ‘Yes son, I know you would have stopped it and you’re only 5 and yes, Grandma would have stopped it and she’s been dead 5 years’.
After half time, Lennon puts Heskey through with just the keeper to beat. I was transported back a couple of years to Bradley Wright-Phillips playing for Saints. He’s clean through and I’m not on the edge of my seat, I know he’s not going to score so what’s the point in getting excited. Blam, straight at the keeper. I just shut my eyes and sighed. Talking of Wright-Phillips, Shaun gets the ball laid to him on a plate by Rooney and he too has just the keeper to beat and instead of smashing it, he tamely chips into Tourette Tim Howard’s hands. I sigh again and then the camera shows SWP clearly laughing. I ask him ‘WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT YOU DICKHEAD ?’ to the mild amusement of my 9 year old but the 11 year old is a bit of a sensitive type and goes to find her mum. Apparently she said that ‘Daddy’s not been too bad but he’s just said a naughty word…. But it’s ok, as it’s one I’m familiar with’.
Moving on and Altidore skins Carragher and bobbles a shot at the near post which Green again makes a complete ricket of and it bounces off his hand onto the post and out. Imagine if he’d added a near post bobbler to the one he let in earlier. He should have got a good hand to it and pushed it round the post but thank Christ he got lucky this time. England have the better of the play and create chances with Lampard and Rooney going close but nothing’s really happening and it ends 1-1, not a disaster, not a great start.
My England Marks out of 10 are:
Green 0 – just abysmal goalkeeping, no excuses, just crap, off you go, never play for England again, you’re not good enough, you’ve been crap all year for West Ham as well.
Johnson 8 – storming game, some great runs forward and solid enough at the back
A.Cole 7 – not too bad though didn’t offer much going forward but good to see that his divorce isn’t playing on his mind too much.
Terry 7 – Solid, kept his concentration and didn’t shag anyone
King 5 – Slow and injured at half time, not a surprise on either count.
Lennon 6 – Very quick, very erratic, better than Walcott?
Lampard 6 – Not seen much but was playing anchor role in midfield which he did well at even though it’s foreign to him.
Gerrard 8 – Great goal and some good tackling. A real Bryan Robson performance – very impressed
Milner 4 – Ran about for half and hour, got booked, did nothing. Wasn’t fit, shouldn’t have played.
Rooney 6 – Looked dangerous when he got the ball which wasn’t often. Would do better up there on his own.
Heskey 6 – Same old same old, set up the goal but when we needed him to score, bollocksed the best chance of the match and the sad thing is – everyone (including himself and Capello) knew that he would.
Wright-Phillips 4 – Rubbish, not good enough to play in his best position and certainly not good enough to play on the other side.
Carragher 6 – He did ok aside from the aforementioned skinning. I expect him to play the next game from the start.
Crouch ? Not enough time for our big centre forward who can actually score goals.
Disappointed but following England has never been easy. Today was mainly worrying because the first cracks appeared in Fabio Capello’s selection with his main decisions being Green in goal, King at centre back and Milner on the wing. These all went wrong but of course it all comes down to the goalkeeper. If he’d saved that and we won 1-0, then no one would be talking about the things that weren’t quite right. I trust him to get the right team on the pitch for the Algeria match, one that includes David James, Joe Cole and Gareth Barry.
SUNDAY 13th JUNE
Germany against Australia was up on the next day and I expected this to be similar to England v USA. The ‘big’ team should win but the opposition are decent enough to make a very good game of it. I watched it with the hope of an Australian win. 4-0 to the sodding Germans and not only that, they looked really, really good which is never nice to see. Three up front who all look dangerous (and all scored) and three in midfield who all worked hard and could all pass the ball with Khedira and Ozil looking class players. If we come 2nd in our group then we’ll play the Germans and then we can all go home. The only chink of light is that Australia were truly dreadful and played the last half hour with 10 men after Tim Cahill’s deserved (I don’t give a shit what anyone else says) red card.
There were also two real stinker matches today, one of which, Algeria v Slovenia was in England’s group as Slovenia won 1-0 with a goalkeeping error almost as bad as Robert Green’s. Another abysmal match saw Ghana beat Serbia 1-0. Serbia were well hyped before the tournament by the English media, mainly because they have a Man Utd player in their team. Aside from Vidic though, they are pretty average and my tip to be the first team eliminated when they take on Germany in their next game.
So, best team so far – Germany, worst – France. Germany aside, the standard has been poor and those fucking horns are really annoying.
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