Laugh....? Oh yes...FRIDAY 18th JUNE
Germany against Serbia was supposed to provide evidence that Germany were the new football master race and Franz Beckenbauer certainly expected this to be the case. The opening 20 minutes of the game wasn’t pretty and it was never going to be as the referee booked anyone who made any sort of challenge for the ball. Klose, the main German –Polish striker made the mistake of trying to tackle someone on two separate occasions and was sent off on the half hour mark. Whilst they were still re-organizing, they want 1-0 down as the right winger skinned the useless lump of a German left back (Batstuber), crossed and it was converted by Jovanovic. I always find it amusing when Germany concede but especially when they’ve just had a man sent off because it implies a lack of organization and efficiency, doesn’t it Franz. The game meandered on and the pivotal moment came when Vidic pointlessly, stupidly and ridiculously, dived to head a ball in his own penalty area and handled it, under pressure from no one. Up stepped the German-Polish striker Podolski to ruthless despatch the penalty with typical German efficiency…. Only he missed it, Ha ha fucking ha, must have been his Polish heritage coming to the fore. And then they gave up and did nothing for the remaining 20 minutes and their young team looked a bit like little boys lost. Great stuff and well done Serbia.
USA and Slovenia in england’s group was up next and to my delight, Slovenia raced into a 2-0 lead which lasted until half time and the Yanks looked doomed. Tourette Tim Howard said “shit, fuck, bugger, fuck, wank, Heskey”. Sadly, the US came out and scored through Landon Donovan straight after half time and from then on, looked the more likely winners. The managers’ nipper equalized with ten minutes and two minutes later they had the ball in the net again and it was disallowed. The cross came over and the whistle went for the foul – then someone stuck it in the net. It’s not a if anyone at any point thought it was a goal so stop bloody going on about it. The game ended 2-2 which was a pretty decent result for England.
The evening kick off of course bought England round again, this time against Algeria who are thought to be generally crap and England should win comfortably and with style and stick Franz’s words right up his arse. After the Green fiasco in the last match and the media explosion that followed, the 100% correct decision was taken by Capello to put David James in goal. More debateable however were the decisions to bring in Gareth Barry and move England’s best outfield player and captain to the left wing and keep Emily Heskey in the team. You can’t call Heskey a striker because he doesn’t ever ‘strike’. Replace the work ‘strike’ with ‘wank’ and you’re getting there.
England again look disjointed and there is nothing happening up front with Rooney not getting the ball which if you remember, is the only reason that Heskey is in the team for. Gareth Barry is doing ok in his first game for 6 weeks and Gerrard is flitting in and out with some sort of intent. Algeria begin to look a bit threatening and soon the ball comes down from the sky on top of James and he flaps it away in none to convincing fashion and it’s like Rob Green is still here. From and Algerian corner, taken by Belhadj, James makes a superb catch under pressure and suddenly, Rob Green is history. Note that James is an England player and Belhadj (and Yebda for that matter) are Skate Bastards.
It’s all a big load of nothing for the rest of the first half and in we go at 0-0 but most worrying is that we’ve hardly had a shot aside from a Lampard effort which was clawed away by the keeper. The second half begins and Carragher gets booked, ruling him out of the Slovenia match. Following this, Capello has obviously despaired at the fact that Lennon has not managed a single decent run or pass all game and replaces him with Joe Cole… oh no he doesn’t, he replaces him with Shaun Wright-Phillips. Heskey gets the ball out on the right wing and surges upfield with what looks like real intent until he is confronted by the left back, at which point he stumbles over the ball before regaining his balance and hoofing it behind the goal – fucking clown. He is eventually put out of his misery and replaced with Defoe who immediately snapped a shot just over the bar. Crouchie gets his token 8 minutes at the end but never really gets on the ball as he’s such a difficult guy to give the ball to, being 8 foot 3 and all that.
And so it ended, 0-0, absolute shit.
James 8 – one flap aside, proved what everyone already knew which is that he should have played the USA match. I reckon that if he had we would have beaten USA and would have therefore also beaten Algeria.
Johnson 5 – Some poor defending and not a lot going forward.
A.Cole 7 – Totally committed and gave us some decent width on the left.
Terry 7 – Solid, didn’t have much to do, managed to keep his dick in his pants
Lennon 3 – Shite to be honest – again proving that Walcott should be out there
Barry 6 – Tired but at least you could always see what he was trying to do
Lampard 3 – Barry’s inclusion was supposed to allow him to drive forward and dominate the game – he didn’t.
Gerrard 6 – Flitted about, looked willing but it’s so obvious he hates playing out on the left… also, the passed it when he had a sight of goal which he NEVER does for Liverpool, causing me to swear out loud which in turn caused my 11 year old daughter to leave the room in disgust
Heskey 0 – not his fault he gets picked but he’s shite and enough is enough. You cannot expect to win a World Cup with a centre forward who is not a goal threat and if a striker is not confident then he’s never going to be any use. Not a striker, a wanker.
Rooney 2 – Alarmingly bad. If he wasn’t who he is then he would have been substituted. Brett Ormerod would have done better to be honest. No fight, no enthusiasm, no strength, no ball control – absolutely nothing… and then an ill thought out swipe at the England fans for booing. Get a grip boy…
Wright-Phillips 1 – Garbage – should never have been in the 30, let alone the 23, let alone on the pitch, one trick pony of the worst kind, just pace and nothing else.
Defoe 6 – At least looked lively
Crouch ? – Not enough time again.
I’ve been a big fan of Fabio Capello up to now but he’s worrying me. The ignoring of Joe Cole, the inclusion of Heskey and Wright-Phillips, Gerrard on the left, shit players in the squad (Carrick, Upson, Wright-Phillips), better ones at home (Parker, Adam Johnson, Jagielka, Walcott), dodgy substitutions, picking Green for the USA game… and I’m worried he’s going to bring in Upson for the suspended Carragher on Wednesday and Upson is another player who should not be out there as he’s had a crap season….. also, in order for England to do anything, our big players have to perform and these are Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney. Lampard and Rooney have been shocking so far and unless they sort it out, we’re going home early. I can see us scraping the win to get us though to the last 16 but if we line up against Slovenia with Heskey in the side then we’re coming home on Wednesday. My side would be James; Johnson, Dawson, Terry, A.Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Barry, J.Cole; Gerrard; Rooney. If he wants to play two out and out strikers though, there has to be a case for leaving out Lampard and of course, Heskey must not play...ever... again
Germany against Serbia was supposed to provide evidence that Germany were the new football master race and Franz Beckenbauer certainly expected this to be the case. The opening 20 minutes of the game wasn’t pretty and it was never going to be as the referee booked anyone who made any sort of challenge for the ball. Klose, the main German –Polish striker made the mistake of trying to tackle someone on two separate occasions and was sent off on the half hour mark. Whilst they were still re-organizing, they want 1-0 down as the right winger skinned the useless lump of a German left back (Batstuber), crossed and it was converted by Jovanovic. I always find it amusing when Germany concede but especially when they’ve just had a man sent off because it implies a lack of organization and efficiency, doesn’t it Franz. The game meandered on and the pivotal moment came when Vidic pointlessly, stupidly and ridiculously, dived to head a ball in his own penalty area and handled it, under pressure from no one. Up stepped the German-Polish striker Podolski to ruthless despatch the penalty with typical German efficiency…. Only he missed it, Ha ha fucking ha, must have been his Polish heritage coming to the fore. And then they gave up and did nothing for the remaining 20 minutes and their young team looked a bit like little boys lost. Great stuff and well done Serbia.
USA and Slovenia in england’s group was up next and to my delight, Slovenia raced into a 2-0 lead which lasted until half time and the Yanks looked doomed. Tourette Tim Howard said “shit, fuck, bugger, fuck, wank, Heskey”. Sadly, the US came out and scored through Landon Donovan straight after half time and from then on, looked the more likely winners. The managers’ nipper equalized with ten minutes and two minutes later they had the ball in the net again and it was disallowed. The cross came over and the whistle went for the foul – then someone stuck it in the net. It’s not a if anyone at any point thought it was a goal so stop bloody going on about it. The game ended 2-2 which was a pretty decent result for England.
The evening kick off of course bought England round again, this time against Algeria who are thought to be generally crap and England should win comfortably and with style and stick Franz’s words right up his arse. After the Green fiasco in the last match and the media explosion that followed, the 100% correct decision was taken by Capello to put David James in goal. More debateable however were the decisions to bring in Gareth Barry and move England’s best outfield player and captain to the left wing and keep Emily Heskey in the team. You can’t call Heskey a striker because he doesn’t ever ‘strike’. Replace the work ‘strike’ with ‘wank’ and you’re getting there.
England again look disjointed and there is nothing happening up front with Rooney not getting the ball which if you remember, is the only reason that Heskey is in the team for. Gareth Barry is doing ok in his first game for 6 weeks and Gerrard is flitting in and out with some sort of intent. Algeria begin to look a bit threatening and soon the ball comes down from the sky on top of James and he flaps it away in none to convincing fashion and it’s like Rob Green is still here. From and Algerian corner, taken by Belhadj, James makes a superb catch under pressure and suddenly, Rob Green is history. Note that James is an England player and Belhadj (and Yebda for that matter) are Skate Bastards.
It’s all a big load of nothing for the rest of the first half and in we go at 0-0 but most worrying is that we’ve hardly had a shot aside from a Lampard effort which was clawed away by the keeper. The second half begins and Carragher gets booked, ruling him out of the Slovenia match. Following this, Capello has obviously despaired at the fact that Lennon has not managed a single decent run or pass all game and replaces him with Joe Cole… oh no he doesn’t, he replaces him with Shaun Wright-Phillips. Heskey gets the ball out on the right wing and surges upfield with what looks like real intent until he is confronted by the left back, at which point he stumbles over the ball before regaining his balance and hoofing it behind the goal – fucking clown. He is eventually put out of his misery and replaced with Defoe who immediately snapped a shot just over the bar. Crouchie gets his token 8 minutes at the end but never really gets on the ball as he’s such a difficult guy to give the ball to, being 8 foot 3 and all that.
And so it ended, 0-0, absolute shit.
James 8 – one flap aside, proved what everyone already knew which is that he should have played the USA match. I reckon that if he had we would have beaten USA and would have therefore also beaten Algeria.
Johnson 5 – Some poor defending and not a lot going forward.
A.Cole 7 – Totally committed and gave us some decent width on the left.
Terry 7 – Solid, didn’t have much to do, managed to keep his dick in his pants
Lennon 3 – Shite to be honest – again proving that Walcott should be out there
Barry 6 – Tired but at least you could always see what he was trying to do
Lampard 3 – Barry’s inclusion was supposed to allow him to drive forward and dominate the game – he didn’t.
Gerrard 6 – Flitted about, looked willing but it’s so obvious he hates playing out on the left… also, the passed it when he had a sight of goal which he NEVER does for Liverpool, causing me to swear out loud which in turn caused my 11 year old daughter to leave the room in disgust
Heskey 0 – not his fault he gets picked but he’s shite and enough is enough. You cannot expect to win a World Cup with a centre forward who is not a goal threat and if a striker is not confident then he’s never going to be any use. Not a striker, a wanker.
Rooney 2 – Alarmingly bad. If he wasn’t who he is then he would have been substituted. Brett Ormerod would have done better to be honest. No fight, no enthusiasm, no strength, no ball control – absolutely nothing… and then an ill thought out swipe at the England fans for booing. Get a grip boy…
Wright-Phillips 1 – Garbage – should never have been in the 30, let alone the 23, let alone on the pitch, one trick pony of the worst kind, just pace and nothing else.
Defoe 6 – At least looked lively
Crouch ? – Not enough time again.
I’ve been a big fan of Fabio Capello up to now but he’s worrying me. The ignoring of Joe Cole, the inclusion of Heskey and Wright-Phillips, Gerrard on the left, shit players in the squad (Carrick, Upson, Wright-Phillips), better ones at home (Parker, Adam Johnson, Jagielka, Walcott), dodgy substitutions, picking Green for the USA game… and I’m worried he’s going to bring in Upson for the suspended Carragher on Wednesday and Upson is another player who should not be out there as he’s had a crap season….. also, in order for England to do anything, our big players have to perform and these are Terry, Lampard, Gerrard and Rooney. Lampard and Rooney have been shocking so far and unless they sort it out, we’re going home early. I can see us scraping the win to get us though to the last 16 but if we line up against Slovenia with Heskey in the side then we’re coming home on Wednesday. My side would be James; Johnson, Dawson, Terry, A.Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Barry, J.Cole; Gerrard; Rooney. If he wants to play two out and out strikers though, there has to be a case for leaving out Lampard and of course, Heskey must not play...ever... again
SATURDAY 19th JUNE
Didn’t watch much today as I was on the beer. The odd snippet of Holland and Japan was viewed though my glass as Holland won 1-0 with a Jubulani goal as Wesley Schneijder hit a shot that the keeper dived right for, only to see it disappear over his left shoulder and into the net. Holland closed it out and are the first team through to the next round.
Following their pasting by Germany, Australia took the lead v Ghana before Harry Kewell was sent off for handball and Ghana made it 1-1 from the resulting penalty. In case you’re reading Harry, you handle it on the line when the ball was going in, you get a red card, you get off the fucking pitch, you don’t hang around arguing for 10 minutes while the rest of us look at replays which clearly show you handling the ball on the goal line, making you look even more like the bell end I suspect that you are. I have never like Harry Kewell, a classic ‘wage packet’ player who has loads of ability but a shit attitude.
A shocking pass across their own penalty by a Dane, gave the ball to Samuel Eto’o who said thanks very much and smashed it in the net. Denmark equalized when the walking wig that is Nicklas Bendtner slid in a Rommedahl cross. Chances apleanty for both side but Rommedahl won it for Denmark when a Cameroon defender waved him past and he curled a nice shot into the far corner which made Cameroon the first team to go out.
Denmark's game has been labelled best game of the tournament so far (not much competition there sadly :-( ), but it certainly wasn't the best if you are into organised football. Dramatic end-to-end stuff, a brilliant game by our headless chicken, Rommedahl, and a victory that keeps us alive.
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