Ze Englanders ist scheisse !MONDAY 14th JUNE
I picked out Holland v Denmark as my game to watch for the day. It was the 12.30 kick off and I was looking forward to seeing the Dutch who pissed through qualifying and when they get it right, are unstoppable, despite the presence of Dirk Kuyt who,despite being one of the most untalented footballers I’ve ever seen, manages to play effectively for Liverpool and for the Dutch national side. Holland also feature Mark Van Bommel who is one of the nastiest, dirtiest, most horrible players around. The game kicked off and for the first 10 minutes, it was World Cup 2010 boredom….. and then I woke up with the commentators shouting ‘own goal’. Somehow I’d slept through the first half and the half time interview, coming to as the replay of the gangly Danish left back heading a clearance onto Dan Agger and past Thomas Sorensen for an own goal. He compounded the error by grinning which is not the sort of reaction you want to see. Danish centre back Kjaer was being hyped as a possible signing for a Premiership club but he looked pretty average and was badly ball watching as a shot came back off the post and was followed in by my mate Dirk. 2-0 to the Dutch and pretty easy but not particularly impressive.
It was more impessive than Japan v Cameroon which was a trulty dreadful game which ended 1-0 to Japan with a goal from Honda, from a through ball from Mitsubishi, following a one-two with Suzuki. People of my age watch Cameroon and expect the 1990 side who were wonderfully entertaining and slightly unhinged in a brutal sort of way. See one of my favourite bits of World Cup action ever…
This incarnation played their best player (Samuel Eto’o) out on the right wing and he hardly got a kick. There was no mention of him signing for Portsmouth soon on the commentaries. That just left Italy v Paraguay which was heading for a 1-0 to Paraguay until the Paraguay keeper did a Superman impression with his eyes shut and gifted De Rossi and equalizer. Italy – the defending champions – look a desperately poor side but then they always do in the group games. I bet they make the last 4.
TUESDAY 15th JUNE
I was out all day so mercifully, I didn’t watch New Zealand v Slovakia or Portugal v Ivory Coast. 1-1 and 0-0 respectively. The New Zealand game was poor like it was always going to be with a bit of excitement occurring when NZ equalized in the 94th minute. Fair play to them on their first World Cup point. I’m sure all the sheep will be nervious tonight.
Sven Goran Ericsson is a man I hold in complete contempt for being a complete fucking charlatan but here is again, no doubt being paid a fortune to manage Ivory Coast in this World Cup with someone else having done the hard work and getting them to the Finals. He has a very talented group of players at his disposal, led of course by Didier Drogba who was playing despite breaking his arm last week – a remarkable show of toughness from a man who falls over and cries like a fucking baby virtually every week in the Premiership. Sven managed though to bore the shite out of everyone though by not allowing anyone to get forward from midfield and Portugal, including that slimy little bastard Ronaldo, were totally devoid of ideas to break them down aside from one bit of greaseball magic which saw Ronaldo hit the post.
The evening match was Brazil against 11 blokes we’d never heard of from North Korea. The magic of Brazil- would they turn on the style of old ? not a chance. It’s depressing to see that they have some severely average players this time around as well, despite one of these (Elano) netting the 2nd goal. Maicon had previously given Brazil the lead with a blast from a narrow angle which may or may not have been a fluke but the highlight of the match was the 89th minute goal by (insert Korean name here) which was as deserved as it was unexpected.
The English media today was dominated by the comments of Franz Beckenbauer who basically said that we were shit. OK, he didn’t use that work but I put what he did say through a German to English translator and ‘shit’ was the outcome. Smug tosser – yes Germany played well and England didn’t but in mitigation…. We played at altitude, you played at sea level, we played a better side, we played against 11 men all match and our keeper has dropped his one bollock for the tournament and will be brilliant from here on in.
Spain tomorrow…. Entertainment please…
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