Euro 2020 Part 1 - (I'd be very surprised if) It's Coming Home

 

Kjaer: Player of the Tournament

Euro 2020, in 2021. Here we go.

Maybe it’s the elongated Premier League season or maybe it’s a bit of disenchantment with the England team but I have to say that I’m not looking forward to the Euros very much. Gareth Southgate killed my mood a little bit with the squad announcement and the media seem to be giving him a free pass at the moment, saying that his job should be safe regardless of how well England do. For me, with it being virtually a home tournament and all the players that we have that are with Champions League clubs or are incredibly highly rated, I see anything less than a semi-final place as an abject failure. There should be no excuses. What am I expecting from England? Same as always – knocked out by the first decent team we play.

It was only when I looked at the fixture planner on the Thursday before the tournament that I remembered that there were 24 teams and not 16 or 32, which means four third-place teams in every group will get through, meaning basically, you only have to win one game to make the last 16, which was what Northern Ireland did last time around. This is arse. Usually when you see a “group of death”, there are three good teams in it and you know that one of them is going out but the group containing France, Germany and Portugal is not necessarily going to produce a big casualty. 16 teams (like 2012) means a higher quality tournament and you having to perform well in a couple of group games to go through.  The Euros should be 16 teams, the World Cup should be 32.

The tournament is being shown on BBC and ITV which will make a nice change from Sky and BT. Some of the pundits are the same of course but It’s amusing to cancel your Sky subscription and then see that they have got the likes of Olly Murs doing punditry on football. Hilarious.  That’d be like paying £35 a month to read this.

With three home nations qualified, it’s been interesting to see the usual narrative of Scotland and Wales hating the English but the English are supposed to want Scotland and Wales to do well. Fuck that. Because of the Southampton representation I’m not as anti-Scots as I have been in the past but the Welsh can fucking do one. Never forget the celebration video when England got knocked out by Iceland in 2016. Possibly the most disrespectful tinpot thing I’ve ever seen from an international team. Oh yes, no one seems to mention their manager much these days, seeing that he’s up on charges of physically assaulting two women and coercive behaviour.  I wonder if dear old Giggsy will get a mention during their games.

Day 1 - Friday 11th June

The Closest Turkey Got to the Ball All Game

Time for the Euros to start and a decent opening game with Italy playing Turkey. Italy are traditionally of course, one of the big European nations but having not qualified for the last World Cup, this is the dawn of the new Italy, they hope. Turkey are many peoples tips to be a dark horse for the tournament. Can’t see it myself but you never know. In the event, Roberto Mancini’s Italy battered them from first to last but had to wait to the second half before they scored and once they did the second and third came pretty soon after and it has to go down as a very easy win. The main memory from this game won’t be the own goal or the goals from Immobile and Insigne but the arrival of the ball at the centre circle courtesy of a little remote-controlled fucking car. Dear oh Lord.


Day 2 - Saturday 12th June

Robbie Savage Has Always Been Popular

Wales and Switzerland is one of those games that you know is going to be pretty dull but you watch it anyway because you just want to get into the tournament. First half was true to form and 0-0 with Switzerland having all the possession but Wales having a couple of decent chances, mainly instigated through Dan James on the wing. Switzerland took the lead at start the second half with a header through the former wonder-boy Embolo but then inexplicably sat back and allowed Wales to grow into the game and they eventually equalised after a cross and a header by the lighthouse that is Keiffer Moore. He is 6 foot 5 of averageness but it was a very good header. There was a relatively tight VAR call on a second Swiss goal which was correctly ruled out but the main feature of the game was the co-commentary and I use the term lightly, of Robbie Savage who has cemented his title as “The Pricks Prick” straight away. He’s like that clueless fan who sits behind you at football matches talking absolute bollocks and you spend the whole game wondering whether you can ignore it for 90 minutes or are you in fact going to turn round and tell him to shut the fuck up. The last 20 minutes of the game was a definite advert for the fact that the 24 team format with four third-place teams going through, promotes ccnservative, boring, settling-for-a-draw football. If just the top two went through from this group then both teams would’ve been going for it in the last 20 instead of just boring the shite out of us. More does not necessarily mean better. More jeopardy however, does mean better.

Denmark against Finland from Copenhagen is up next and we get served with a reminder the football doesn’t really matter as Christian Eriksen collapsed to the ground with no one near him. A medical emergency was called and within five minutes the game was suspended and then abandoned (or so we thought). The TV footage which was allowed to keep running with horrendous close ups of his face and obvious images of CPR being performed. We saw visibly upset Denmark players trying to keep the cameras off and the players wife come down on the pitch. It was absolutely horrendous and whoever was directing the live TV pictures needs to have a long hard look at themselves.

I assumed that the game has been abandoned but no and an hour and a half later the teams are back out to play the last five minutes of the first half before a quick half-time and then the second half. I took that as meaning the Eriksen was making good progress because there is no way they would’ve restarted the game if he had been in really serious trouble. Anyway, in a somewhat subdued atmosphere the game went on, Denmark had to substitute some players as they weren't in a fit state to play and Finland won with their only effort on target as Kasper Schmeichel made a bit of a bollocks of a header that was straight at him.  Denmark were awarded a soft penalty to have a chance to equalise but Hojbjerg passed it straight to the keeper. I doubt either Pierre or Kasper will care too much.  After the game it transpired that Denmark had been told to finish the game either today or tomorrow. That shouldn’t surprise anyone that UEFA publicly said all the right things but it turns out that behind the scenes, it was just about sticking to the schedule primarily.  The real heroes were Danish skipper Simon Kjaer, referee Anthony Taylor and of course, the paramedics.


Meanwhile, in Russia in St Petersburg, Belgium took on Russia and absolutely battered them. Romelu Lukaku scored twice and Thomas Meunier once as the Belgians cantered to a 3-0 win. Russia didn’t seem to have as much juice in them as they did in the 2018 World Cup when they were the hardest running team in the tournament. I imagine that someone somewhere will be asking questions because that’s really odd.  Someone really needs to put their finger on why that’s happened.

Day 3 - Sunday 13th June

Kalvin Phillips Out On His Own

England started their campaign at Wembley against Croatia and I’m still not feeling it. Every TV channel is trying to big it up before the game but I’m struggling with it. I can’t get too enthusiastic about England these days and an hour before the kick-off, Gareth Southgate left us all wondering what the fuck was going on. The 26 man squad included a left back who won the Champions League and a left back who was in the Premier League team of the season and yet Southgate picks a right back at left back in Kieran Trippier. The rest of the team was predictable and it wasn’t what most people were looking for. Raheem Sterling got picked ahead of Jack Grealish and Kalvin Phillips partnered Declan Rice in midfield or so we thought. Despite being an absolute liability in the two warm-up games, Tyrone Mings was chosen to partner John Stones in the absence of the nowhere near fit Harry Maguire. Into three years since the World Cup, Croatia have a look of a team that has gone over the top. Modrić is now 35 and two of their main big players, Mandzukic and Rakitić have both retired from international football. I’m not sure if Dejan Lovren has retired from international football but he’s not in the side but I think the reason for that, is that he is shit.

England were really electric in the first 20 minutes and Foden went close, curling a shot onto the post but the last 25 minutes of the first half was dreadful as England just went sideways and didn’t string enough passes together to get Harry Kane in the game and he of course, dropped deeper and deeper, meaning that we had no one to pass the ball out to. Trippier was doing okay at left back, apart from the time he turned down the first time cross into the box because it was on his wrong foot. To be honest we could’ve done with Trippier over the other side because Kyle Walker was doing an impression of someone who had never played football before, randomly passing the ball straight out of play.

The BBC pundits have obviously been told to be sunny and positive because at half time, everyone was talking about how well we were playing at conveniently missing out the last 25 minutes. The second half started with England showing slightly more, in particular Kalvin Phillips who was by far our best player and he found time to drive forward from midfield and play a lovely ball into the path of Sterling, which he dispatched into the net first time to give us a lead that we never ever looked like surrendering as Croatia had very, very little in terms of goal threat.

A good start a tournament for England and a win against allegedly the strongest opponent in the group. Personally, I’d be surprised if Scotland’s didn’t put up a better display than Croatia did. It definitely looks like one tournament too far for this golden generation of Croatia players. The unexpected bonuses for England were the performances of Kalvin Phillips and Tyrone Mings, ironically, the two fit players chosen to replace the injured managers pets Henderson and Maguire. I’m reading everywhere that Sterling had a great game. No he didn’t. He took the goal well because he had to take it first time and didn’t have time to think. The problem with Sterling always comes when he has a bit of time and he has a decision to make. I would say cautious optimism going forward from that England display but it seems like everyone is going to go overboard straight away.

Austria and North Macedonia was up next which was a game that didn’t promise much but in the end it was quite entertaining. Austria took the lead with a brilliant cross and volley before a hilarious calamity in the Austrian defence involving two defenders and the goalkeeper pissing around, running into each other and crawling around the ground, enabled Georgi Pandev, who is nearing his forties to score what will probably turn out to be the highlight of the North Macedonians tournament. They were hanging onto the point until deep into the second half when their vulnerability toa crossed ball was exposed again before Arnautovic made it 3-1 in the last minute. He has this angry attitude about him. He’s a bit like a pound shop Zlatan but as far as I know, Zlatan has never allegedly let go a racist tirade against Albanians when he has scored a goal. Arnautovic will no doubt be investigated. Innocent until proven guilty of course but as it’s him, you wouldn’t exactly be surprised, would you? Can multiple previous offences of being an arsehole, be taken into consideration?

In the evening we were off to Amsterdam to watch the Dutch take on Ukraine. The Dutch dominated the game in the first half but it took until the second half Wijnaldum goal to give them the lead. After that, 6 foot 6 unit Weghorst put them 2-0 up and that look like that was going to be that until Ukraine did a madness for three minutes and scored two really good goals. First up, the Dutch defence allowed Yarmolenko to cut in from the right on his left foot and that always ends well as he bent into the top corner and two minutes later, a powerful header from a set piece had Frank de Boer pondering his life choices on the side line. In the end, the Dutch were bailed out as Nathan Ake swang a cross into the back post and Denzel Dumfries, took time off from missing ridiculously easy chances to power a header in at the back post. He was helped by the fact that the keeper had an absolute shocker and that Manchester City’s Zinchenko, didn’t jump with him.

A very entertaining game where no one really seemed to bother about midfield and it was just wave after wave of attacks from both teams. You’re not gonna win the tournament playing like that but you’ll be very entertaining on the way.



Day 4 - Monday 14th June

Scottish Goalkeepers Meme Launching Society

Oh flower of Scotland, 23 years in the making, in a must win game, still fucking shite. Absolute pish, as they say north of the border. In truth, the Scotland team is a bit more likeable than usual but fucking hell they were terrible. A comfortable 2-0 defeat to the Czech Republic who only needed two on-target efforts on goal to win the game. In truth, it was two excellent goals by their forward Schick, guiding in a superb header at the end of the first half and then scoring a ridiculous goal from just inside the Scotland half just after half-time. Scotland goalkeeper David Marshall was the hero not so long ago when he saved a penalty in the play-offs to get them to this tournament… but what on earth he was doing 5 yards from the halfway line when Scotland gave the ball away is absolutely anyone’s guess. One thing I’ve noticed with the pundits on the UK teams is that none of them call shite what it is. That was a monumentally is shite bit of goalkeeping but no one called it at the time.

Che Adams was left out in favour of Lyndon Dykes who plays for QPR and doesn’t score any goals in the Championship. Surprise surprise, he didn’t score any goals today and Adams looked miles better when he came on. Stuart Armstrong had a decent game in midfield which was largely bypassed by Scotland launching it forward. Armstrong was sacrificed with 20 minutes to go because Steve Clarke thought Ryan Fraser might actually add something to the Scottish attacking effort. Surprise surprise, the wee shite who refused to play for his club once upon a time, couldn’t have produced less if he refused to go on as a substitute. I’m sure that the Scots will play a lot better on Friday against England but if we can’t beat them, then it’s a really really bad day.

Next game up was Poland against Slovakia. Poland are always horrifically shite when they get to the final stages of a tournament, rivalled only by Scotland I would imagine. Predictably, though favourites, the Poles slipped to a 2-1 defeat, helped by Grzegorz Krychowiak getting himself sent off with 40 minutes still to go. Jan Bednarek was in the Poland defence but it’s already looking very unlikely he will make it to the second phase given that Spain and Sweden are the other two teams in the group.

What can you say about Sweden. They qualify for every single tournament and in every tournament they bring a blaze of colour to the proceedings and absolutely fuck all else. 10 men behind the ball for the entire game, relying on they’re one creative player, Isak, to do something magical which he did on a couple of occasions but unfortunately he passed the ball to his strike partner Berg, who produced one of the worst misses that you could possibly imagine, scooping an open goal over the bar from 5 yards. Spain huffed and puffed and passed it around endlessly but they still have Morata as their main striker and he is unsurprisingly, still shite. Unless Moreno or Morata can score a few goals, they’ll be getting out of the group but not much else.

Day 5 – Tuesday 15th June

The Game Lasts 90 Minutes, and at the end, The Germans.... 

The Group of Death started today which I’ve only just realised is made more interesting by the fact that Hungary are playing two games at home including this one. Not only that, they are playing with the stadiums at full capacity so I would imagine that’s going to be fairly mental for an away team. Hang on, are we still calling at the Group of Death, given what went on in the Denmark game? Oh yes, the mainstream media are still calling it the Group of Death presumably because Christian Eriksen is going to be ok. Fine. Carry on. Portugal of course are still led by bright shiny Ronaldo who even at 36 still takes everything and berates his teammates like naughty school children if they do anything remotely not to his liking. Consequently, it was quite funny when he put a sitter over the bar having been given a goal on a plate in the first half and as the game wore on, it looked like it might prove costly. With 15 to go Hungary then had a goal disallowed for offside which to be fair, was fucking miles offside and there is no reason why the linesman could’ve stuck his flag up earlier but regardless, it seemed to spark Portugal into life and they eventually ran away with a game with three goals in the last 10 minutes. The first was a deflected shot from Gurrero, then came the obligatory penalty which Ronaldo dispatched and then a brilliant flowing move which ended with, yep you guessed it, Ronaldo scoring the third. A little bit of Bruno Fernandes must die every time Ronaldo scores a goal, especially a penalty.

The final match of the first round of games in the Group of Death, featured Germany at home to France and it was a strange game in truth. France always look the more likely to win and took the lead through a hilarious own goal by Mats Hummels, before being content to sit and play on the break which is an okay thing to do when you’ve got Kante winning the ball in midfield, Pogba picking out forward runners and Mbappe, Benzema and Griezmann upfront. They were only denied two goals by tight offside calls but still won comfortably. Germany have got no strikers at all. Gnabry was shite and they replaced him with Timo Werner, the German Shane Long who ran around, kicked the ball aimlessly out of play and produced a number of dreadful touches. Havertz did nothing, Leroy Sane did nothing. The only thing that was consistent was Joachim Loew doing that scratch and sniff thing that he does so well. I gather that the Covid regulations mean you have to wash your hands after you play with your balls these days. Talking of hygiene, I can’t imagine anyone is going to take too kindly to the pictures which pretty clearly showed Toni Rudiger biting Paul Pogba‘s shoulder. Rudiger has some strange ideas about defending. It was only just over a week or so ago that he nearly put Kevin De Bruyne out of the tournament with a shoulder charge into his cheek.

So, the end of the first round of matches and if you had to pick a favourite for the tournament you’d have to go with France, closely followed by Italy. Let’s not get too excited about England yet because if they win the group, which they surely should given the strength of the opposition we are facing, we will be playing in all probability, one of France or Portugal in the last 16.  That’ll be the first decent team we play….