Euro 2020 Part 4 - (OK, I Accept That There's a Possibility That) It's Coming Home

 

Cheer Up Thomas!

Stop press, England want to offer Gareth Southgate a new contract to take him up to 2024. Do we never learn anything? Didn’t we do this with Fabio Capello and then we absolutely stunk in the World Cup in 2010 and then couldn’t get rid of him because it would’ve cost too much money? It’s absolutely ludicrous to even think about offering Southgate a new contract until this tournament is over. Fuck me, if we go out and play shit negative football and get beaten by the Germans on Tuesday, then this will have been a tournament played exclusively at Wembley and we will have sucked ass both in reality and in public perception. Just no. Don’t fucking do it.

Day 14 Saturday 26th June – Wales 0 Denmark 4, Italy 2 Austria 0

But Ref... We've Travelled Fucking Miles

Moving on - In the 1998 World Cup, there was a round after the first group stage which had 16 teams in it and it was called “The Second Round”. In that round, England lost to Argentina on penalties when David Beckham kicked Simeone up the arse.  The point of bringing this up is that it is no longer called the Second Round but the Round of 16 which as you know, is the number of teams that should’ve been in the tournament in the first place. We don’t call it the Round of Eight or the Round of Four, when we get to the quarter-finals and semi-finals and there’s never been a Round of 32 anywhere. I don’t know why but it just annoys me.

A bit like the coverage of the Welsh in this tournament. Every time we get a studio full of Welsh people - Gabby Logan, Ashley Williams, Hal Robson-Turmeric-Supplements-Kanu and ex-Saints legend Mark Hughes. On top of that, we get Robbie “The Prick’s Prick” Savage on co-commentary, with insightful comments like “wow” and “phew”. Ryan Giggs is nowhere to be seen. Surprise that! It’s like he doesn’t exist.

Savage had a little bit to get excited about in the first 20 minutes as Wales started the better and Bale put a long-range drive narrowly wide. Denmark sussed out the way Wales were playing and tweaked their formation and from that moment on, it was simply a case of how many Denmark would win by. It’s safe to say that they absolutely pissed it. Four goals to nil and Wales lost their shit at the end and started hacking into people. The ball started rolling at the end of the first half with Maehle and Damsgaard combining to release Dolberg who rifled a superb shot into the bottom corner from 25 yards. The second goal was game over and there is an element of controversy about it because it was probably a free-kick to Wales up the other end of the pitch but maybe instead of worrying about that, they could’ve actually done some defending and it might have been helpful when the cross came into the box, if Neco Williams hadn’t tried to use the left foot that he clearly hasn’t got and hadn’t spammed it back across his own goal for Dolberg to make it 2-0. The third goal from Maehle confirmed that he has been one of the best players in this tournament. As an aside, it’s interesting that he got linked with Southampton last year - I think he may be out of our £10 million price range by now.  

Harry Wilson, who is a horrible little shithouse, then decided that he would hack Maehle down in full flight with no interest whatsoever in the ball and then looked surprised when the referee sent him off. To be fair you don’t usually get sent off for this sort of tackle as it wasn’t dangerous as such but I have no problem with players getting sent off for challenges where they are about 10 yards from the ball and just deliberately taking a player out.  Denmark scored a fourth through Braithwaite in the last couple of minutes and this was particularly hilarious because there was a very long VAR check, so Wales had to wait around a good few minutes at the end of a game that they had already lost, just to find out if they’d lost it by more.

Back to the studio for some Taff-punditry, which of course focused on the potential foul in the build up to the second goal and the fact that in the build up for the same goal, it might have gone out of play.  They showed a replay of Braithwaite clearly keeping the ball in play and then went back to the pundits who said “well that looked out”.  No it fucking didn’t you twat. Then we had “no excuses but…“  and then all the excuses about having to travel more than the Denmark team were wheeled out.  Yeah, Denmark have had it far easier than Wales.. they had a player nearly die on the pitch… shut up!

Interim manager Rob Page gave an interview which he will probably regret later.  He seemed to be implying that it was totally unfair because they were the better side for the first 20 minutes until the Denmark manager changed his tactics. That’s how football works you fucking League Two idiot. Manager spots a problem and changes it so team is better. Surprising that no one is discussing one of the ready-made excuses, which is that the proper manager wasn’t there. Maybe the England team are filming a celebratory video of Wales going out… But somehow I doubt it because we might not be very good, but we are not a bunch of small time tinpot wankers.

Denmark are going to take some beating. They play as a team and are technically very, very good. After all they’ve been through, all I can say is good luck to them and I hope they go far. They play attacking football, have an astute manager and have had to delve deep into their squad and just seem to be getting better and better as the tournament goes on.

Italy against Austria should really have been a walk in the park for the Italians but there was a question mark over them because the best team they had faced in their group was Wales. However, tonight‘s opponents Austria, were pretty ropey in their group games as well and qualified due to finishing above Ukraine and North Macedonia so no big deal really. The first half was mainly all Italy but they didn’t look like scoring. Lots of good play in midfield and then usually getting into the final third and then losing the ball. The second-half carried on in much the same vein with Austria coming more into it and it look like a shock was on the cards and 75 minutes when Arnautovic headed in. It would’ve been the first goal Italy conceded since about 1938 but if we go to VAR and the goal is correctly ruled out. The decision is undoubtedly correct and it’s made all the more funny because it’s Arnautovic of course. Into extra time we went and Mancini brought on Chiesa for the misfiring Berardi and it was the sub who opened the scoring, producing a really smart finish from the right and side of the box, nodding the ball backwards to create himself an angle and they’re smashing it in first time with his left foot. Another sub Passina, made it 2-0 not long after that and so the Austrian challenge fizzled out. To be fair, they acquitted themselves pretty well but it’s the Italians who go on to play the winner of the very interesting looking Belgium versus Portugal game.

Day 15 - Sunday 27th June – Netherlands 0 Czech Republic 2, Belgium 1 Portugal 0

A Greater and Lesser Hazard

Like the Italians, the Dutch have got this far, winning three games out of three and not playing anyone any good. They also, like the Italians, have played all of their games at home and this was their first trip somewhere else in Europe, to Budapest to take on the Czech Republic who had of course qualified in third place in England’s group. I got the impression that the Dutch thought they were going to steam roller this but one thing that was apparent was that they weren’t playing as a team where is the Czech’s really were, defending as a unit and attacking with purpose. 0-0 at half time and then 10 minutes into the second-half, the defining moment as Malen got clean through and ran in on goal with just a goalkeeper to beat.  He tried to go round him instead of slotting it and Vaslik pulled off a good old fashion block at the forwards feet.  Straight from that the ball went up the other end and de Ligt should’ve dealt with it but he slipped over and with Schick about to run through on goal he shovelled it back with his hand. The referee initially just booked him, VAR got involved, correctly sent the ref to the monitor and he decided on second viewing that it denied a clear goalscoring opportunity, so off he went. Technology and referee working perfectly to quickly get the right decision.

That shouldn’t necessarily have meant that the Dutch caved in but manager Frank de Boer royally fucked up by keeping five at the back with a back three of De Vrij, Blind and van Aanholt. The Czech’s had already looked dangerous from free kicks with de Ligt on the pitch, so the Dutch could really have done without Stekelenburg needlessly juggling the ball out of play and then van Aanholt needlessly giving away a stupid fail from the corner. Over came the freekick, headed back and there was Holes to thump a header past the defender on the line. Stekelenburg should’ve been in goal but he made a half-arsed attempt to try and catch the initial freekick and was way out of position. The Dutch needed their big players to step up but the big players just did nothing. Frenkie De Jong got all petulant and Memphis Depay didn’t seem to find a single Dutch player with any of his passes. As it turned out the Czech’s broke again down the left, pulled the ball back and there was Schick to sweep a superb left footed finish first time in at the near post. Brilliant goal and a thoroughly deserved win.

Portugal against Belgium was of course, the first real heavyweight clash of the tournament and for the first half, it was fucking boring. Portugal’s default mode is to be really, really dull and defensive and Belgium didn’t have the wit to break them down. Just before half-time, Thorgan Hazard the Lesser, picked up the ball on the left hand side about 30 yards out and just lashed it. Rui Patricio took a step to his right which turned out to be fatal as the ball moved a mile in the air and sped past him on the other side. Bit of a goalkeeping error because the ball didn’t exactly go into the corner. From that moment on, Portugal were a team transformed and threw the sink at it, throwing on attacker after attacker to support the previously isolated Cristiano Ronaldo.

It probably didn’t feel like it at the time but Belgium saw it out relatively comfortably. The experience of Alderweireld, Vermaelen and Vertonghen, even though they have an average age of about 37, did the job they were required to do. Portugal hit the post through Guerreiro but other than that, Courtois was barely called upon. Belgium go through to what should be a fantastic game against Italy in the quarter-finals but will have to do it without Kevin De Bruyne who was cynically taken out by some snide little arsehole called Paulinho who Portugal had a midfield. They might also have to do without Eden Hazard the Greater, who twinged one of his little fat hamstrings again. As the game ended, Pepe went into “I’m 38 and I’m probably retiring and I don’t give a fuck“ mode and started wiping players out but anyone who had “Pepe red card” on their betting slip was ultimately disappointed.  Personally, I had “Ronaldo crying like a baby” on my accumulator and I lost, as the great man managed to keep it in, this time.

Day 16 - Monday 28th June – Croatia 3 Spain 5 (aet), France 3 Switzerland 3 (4-5 pens)

Not Funny At All

I had a feeling that Croatia in Spain was going to be a decent game but for the first half an hour, it didn’t really look like it. Croatia sat deep in Spain did that pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, Morata, miss thing. Our favourite profligate striker had a glorious chance with a free header from 5 yards out but chose sideways instead of forwards and so the chance went begging. Hilariously, Spanish wonderkid Pedri, then pinged a ball straight back to his own goalkeeper and Simon totally missed it to put Croatia 1-0 in front. 40 yard own goal by the 18-year-old. For fucks sake Simon!  Whilst the masochist in me was hoping that it would be the only goal of the game, it’s probably quite good for the mental well-being of the goalkeeper that Spain equalised when The Croat keeper could only parry out a shot from the left and there was Sarabia to ram it into the roof of the net.

The second-half started and it was all Spain with Ferran Torres on the left, picking out Azpilicueta, who had continued his run after starting the move, with a superb cross to make it 2-1. Spain suddenly turned into peak Xavi & Iniesta Spain and it was soon 3-1, with a bizarre goal as they pinged a big diagonal out to the right wing and Ferren Torres ran in front of the Croatian left back and just walked unopposed to the goal before passing it into the corner. Game over, or so we thought.

85 minutes gone and still nothing to see here until Modrić suddenly found himself running in on the goalkeeper and following a spot of pinball, Orsic managed to bundle it over the line. It wasn’t finished there then as we got to 92 minutes Orsic swung over a brilliant cross on the left-hand side and there was Pasalic, totally unmarked to bullet the header past Simon to send us to extra time.

Croatia had the first big chance of extra time as a ball pinged around in Spanish box and fell to Kramaric, once of Leicester City, about 6 yards out he managed to hit the goalkeeper when he had the whole goal to either side and above him to hit. Great save, shite finish. Talking of shite finishers, at the other end and across from the right wing by Olmo, was missed by the Croatian right back and Morata is possessed by the spirit of something or someone decent, brings it down and smashes it into the roof of the net for them to put the Spanish in front again.  That’s it - the Spanish score another goal as well which doesn’t matter because Croatia are now officially done – they clearly missed the suspended “one of the best defenders in the world”.

Having got my breath back from that game, it was time for France against Switzerland which on paper, didn’t promise anything much. France have been functional so far and Switzerland have been bang average. However, France started the game very sluggishly and Switzerland looked bang up for it and it was made much more interesting after 10 minutes when Zuber’s cross on the left was superbly headed in by Seferovic.  Deschamps is an interesting manager in that he chose today to totally change the formation that France have been playing and the back three off of Verane, Lenglet and Kimpembe, played like they had never met each other before. With Rabiot out of position on the left and Pavard not pushing forward, the midfield two of Kante and Pogba were getting overrun, with Granit Xhaka being the star of the show.

In the second half, we got to see the real France for 20 minutes but only after Switzerland are awarded and miss a penalty, awarded for a quite ridiculous challenge by Pavard on Zuber which the ref gave after a VAR check.  Rodriguez’ penalty though was one of those where if Lloris goes the right way then he saves it and sure enough, he did. 10 minutes later and France are 3-1 up. First Griezmann put Benzema through and he produced a ridiculous bit of  skill to get the ball in front of him before poking into the net. Next up, a shot by substitute Griezmann, was deflected up in the air and there was Benzema to nod in from virtually under the bar and then Pogba.  He’s an enigma and he’s not everyone’s cup of tea but fuck me, did he produce something quite ridiculously brilliant, bending a shot into the top corner from about 30 yards.  Like Pogba. France looked absolutely brilliant and it all went a bit showboat and everyone was talking about the quarter-final against Spain, which made what happened next even more funny.

3-2 with 10 minutes to go as a cross from the right wing was powerfully headed home again by Seferovic.  You would have thought that Varane and Kimpembe would have good enough memories to remember that half an hour ago, this guy scored when completely unmarked.  It still look like the Swiss we’re going to run out of time, then Pogba pissed around in midfield and lost the ball, one pass from Xhaka and substitute Gavranovic easily stepped round Kimpembe, who totally sold himself, and fired into the corner to send it to extra time but not before Coman went up the other end and hit the bar.  Not a lot happened in extra time, so penalties it was.

Now, bearing in mind Switzerland’s first choice penalty taker was absolutely shocking, I was expecting France to win this comfortably but Switzerland went first and the first nine kicks were all comfortably scored and then up steps Mbappe.  He’d been shite today with most of the French attacks breaking down on him, usually through him holding the ball too long and trying a shot which was inevitably blocked. Could he score a penalty with the eyes of the world on him? Nope, Jan Sommer guessed right and saved it and so the Swiss go through to play Spain in the quarter-finals after all.  It’s always nice when the favourites go out isn’t it – especially when they’ve pissed it away.

No, Definitely Not Funny

What a mental day of football that was.

Day 17 Tuesday 29th June - England 2 Germany 0, Ukraine 2 Sweden 1 (aet)

Sterling, Grealish, Shaw and a Pitch Invader

Rumours started to emerge that Gareth Southgate was going to go with a back five against Germany and his rumour proved to be correct with the only change from the Czech Republic game being Jack Grealish left out and Kieran Trippier brought in.  I have to admit to being disappointed but not remotely surprised. The last time England use this formation was in the Europa league when it ended up as a 7-0-3 and there was no connection between the midfield and the front players at all. If you play attacking football and lose, there is a bit of forgiveness because at least you are having a go. If you set up to be dour and defensive and don’t win then the sympathy will be in short supply because they will be absolutely nothing to fall back on. I guess you have to admire Southgate for having the courage of his convictions.

The first half was pretty uneventful with England failing to come up with any decent balls into the box and Germany not being much better. England had one effort from Sterling from distance which Neuer saved comfortably and the German Shane Long, Timo Werner had an effort which was well smothered by Pickford.  Right on half time a chance fell to Harry Kane but his attempt to take a touch and finish gave away his lack of form, as the ball ran away from him.  An on-form Kane would have shot first time.  The formation wasn’t really working with the full-backs not getting forward and Rice and Phillips therefore having to go and press on their own.

The second half saw an early attempt from Havertz, acrobatically tipped over by Pickford. Yes it was straight at him but he absolutely fucking hammered it so he did well to get it over the bar. 65 minutes and nothing much happening and the cautious one decided it was time to bring on the attacking players from the bench. In order to do this of course, he had to take off one of our attacking players because you can never have too many of them and Saka came off for Grealish. Then it happened. Sterling picked up the ball in midfield and ran directly towards the goal, fed Kane, back to Grealish and the perfectly weighted ball in front of Shaw to roll in from the left and Sterling it made in his way into the box to put it under Neuer. Get in.

Sterling had a go at going from hero to zero by coughing up possession in midfield and one pass from Havertz later, Thomas Müller of all people was clean through on goal but when faced with the mighty Pickford, he totally shat his pants in un-German fashion and dribbled it wide of the left-hand post. That miss would’ve brought on a really intense scratch and sniff session from his manager.

Harry Kane has basically been walking about upfront for the whole of the tournament so far and I don’t reckon there was an England fan out there who would’ve complained if he’d been substituted at some point but he was still here and he was in the right place as Shaw carried the ball forwards, got the ball out to Grealish on the left and he put over a perfect cross for Kane to stoop and head into the net. Game over. See you later Germany.

Efficient is often a word used in connection with Germans and German football but England were the efficient ones today. We did what we had to do to win the game and you can’t criticise that. Sure, we are not the most entertaining side but we are very well organised, very hard to beat and we have enough good players to create enough to score. Portugal won the tournament last time, playing the same way.  It’s a formula that will be hard for a lot of people to buy in to but whilst wins against the likes of Czech Republic and Croatia are nice, they don’t really convince anyone.  This is Germany however and this is a statement win, this was a 4-1 vs Holland in Euro 96 win. The mood has changed and even the more cynical are now getting cautiously optimistic – that’s me by the way.  Fuck it - give Gareth a new contract.  England will find out who they play after the next game in a few hours but it’s in Rome on Saturday and there is the potential for this to be the only away game that we play in the entire tournament. We are never going to have a better chance of reaching a major international final.

So, Sweden versus Ukraine. The game actually started in quite entertaining fashion with Ukraine taking the lead, well created by Yarmolenko and finish superbly by Zinchenko. Twenty minutes later Sweden were level when Forsberg took aim from the edge of the box and got a fortunate deflection which bounced the ball over the goalkeeper. Half-time came and went and if the first half had been surprisingly entertaining, the second half was shite. Both teams hit the post but in general terms it was piss poor. This led to the inevitable extra time when both teams just started kicking the fuck out of each other. Sweden’s Danielsson was sent off for a high follow-through after clearly winning the ball. Once it went to VAR and got slowed down, he was a dead man. Extra time trundled on with Ukraine kind of half looking to take advantage of having one more man and Sweden just being content to hold on for penalties. 121 minutes on the clock and ball finds its way out to Zinchenko on the left and he gets over a perfect cross and one of the many substitutes, Dovbyk (I swear Jonathan Pearce called him Dogdick) stoops to crash the header past Olsen to send Ukraine through to play England.

Quarter-final predictions:
Belgium 1 Italy 2
Czech Republic 1 Denmark 3
England 2 Ukraine 0
Spain 2 Switzerland 1

Caveat: My predictions for the Round of 16 were absolute shite… Three winners out of eight, those being Denmark, Italy and England

Euro 2020 Part 3 - (A Kind Draw but I Still Don't Think) It's Coming Home

Italy and Mancini - Cool as Fuck

Day 10 Monday 20th June

As the third and final round of group games kicks off, the main thought in my head about the tournament as a whole is what a load of bollocks this format is, with four third-place teams getting through to the next round. Basically, the Euros should be 16 teams with half the teams going out in each round until you get to the final and that’s all there is to it.  Having 36 group matches to eliminate 8 teams is absurd.

No doubt, the response to the general dislike of the 24 team format will mean 32 teams qualify because after all, it’s all about the money. One day will have so fucking many that the Faroe Islands will qualify by beating Gibraltar in a play-off or the Super League clubs will be able to enter their reserve teams. There’s an idea that that Pérez twat from Real Madrid hasn’t thought of yet.

With Italy already through after two games, it was no surprise to see them rest eight players against Wales. Wales were virtually through as well having four points so basically all they needed to do was avoid getting battered by too many. If that happened there was a slight chance that Switzerland would catch them. Mind you, the Swiss were playing against the dark horses of Turkey, or the dark turkeys of Horsey or something like that.

In the end it was all rather predictable. Italy Reserves outplayed Wales from start to finish but it wasn’t quite as joined up and fluid as in their previous performances and despite constant pressure they were only one up at half-time. Ethan Ampadu then managed to get himself sent off for one of those tackles which looks like a yellow at full speed, but once VAR slows it down and you add an over officious referee into he mix, ends up a red.  Most of the rest of the game was spent in Wales half but they held out relatively comfortably to only get beaten by 1-0. The other game was going to be decided by who could buck the trend. Switzerland have been dreadfully boring so far and Turkey have just been completely shite. As it turned out, Switzerland turned up and Turkey showed that they are nothing if not consistent and produced what they had in the previous two games. There were some great goals in this game, two of which from the enigma that is Xherdan Shaqiri and it was nice to see Turkey get a goal as a consolation for turning up. What we can learn from Turkey at this tournament is that if someone tries to predict a real outsider to win a tournament, you are free to laugh at them. Switzerland, despite being dreadfully boring for two matches are more than likely going to go through as one of the least shit third-place sides with 4 points and a -1 goal difference.

Day 11 Tuesday 21st June

Football With Fans is Everything

The Ultimate Group of Life involving the Netherlands and three shite teams was up next with the Netherlands predictably romping to a 3-0 win over North Macedonia. Gini Wijnaldum is a completely different player in Orange, then he has been in red for the last few seasons. Again, the Dutch showed exactly how England should be playing, with full backs bombing forward and runners joining in from midfield, one of whom of course was Wijnaldum, who helped himself to two goals. North Macedonia we’re ultimately not good enough but I have to admit that they added an element of fun to the tournament, mainly because they were so open. The number of times they lost the ball when they had half of the team in front of it, was quite remarkable.

Like Switzerland yesterday, Austria bucked the trend of being dreadful in the first two games and managed to squeak past Ukraine 1-0 with a goal by Baumgartner after about 15 minutes. They will be the team that everyone wants to face in the next round but that privilege will go to Italy. It will be interesting to see the odds on Austria in that game because it could be some of the longest odds you’ve seen in international tournament football in a two horse race. Ukraine, despite losing two matches, have a decent chance of getting through as well.  Three points gained by beating North Macedonia gets them through.

Belgium are already through of course, so they rested a load of players for their game against Finland. This was a bit rich because Denmark, everyone’s second favourite team, were relying on Belgium to win, in order to give them the best chance of getting through if they beat Russia. As it turned out there was no need to worry. At half time, Belgians had not found a way past the determined Finland defence as yet and Denmark were winning 1-0 in Copenhagen, courtesy of a nice goal by Damsgaard, who curled a shot into somewhere near the top corner from the edge of the box. Don’t really know what the young Russian goalkeeper was at that point.

The first goal in the second halves, was the Danes going 2-0 up when an absolutely shocking back pass presented Poulson with an open goal and then there was a massive cheer in Copenhagen as Lukaku scored for Belgium. The fact that it went to VAR was lost on everybody and a couple of minutes later, that goal got disallowed at exactly the same time that Vestergaard went near a Russian forward who fell over to win a penalty which was dispatched by Dzyuba. In the space of about 15 seconds it was threatening to go to shit for Denmark but they got back into their stride and punished a poor Russian side. The goalkeeper made a couple of decent saves in quick succession but the ball ran out to Andreas Christensen 35 yards out and he just lashed it first time into the net and it was finished off by one of those attacking fullbacks that Gareth Southgate thinks England don’t need, Joakim Maeler scored the fourth on the break.

You have to be a heart of stone to not to be delighted for Denmark because with Belgium eventually scoring a couple of goals, courtesy of an own goal and Lukaku, they managed to finish second with just the three points. Finland eventually finished third but with three points and a -2 goal difference, they are unlikely to be one of the less shit losers. The full house in Copenhagen was a sight to behold with fans crying and beer going everywhere. It was a reminder of how great football can be. Belgium will play one of the shit losers in the next round whereas Denmark are off to Amsterdam to play against the Welsh.

As a footnote, this result means that even if England get beaten by the Czech Republic tomorrow, they have qualified for the last 16. Well done Gareth. On the subject of England, two players I’ve had to self isolate because they came into contact with Billy Gilmour of Scotland who tested positive for COVID-19. His Chelsea team mates Mason Mount and Ben Chilwell won’t be playing for England for 10 days because they were in contact with Gilmour after the game. Mason Mount certainly wasn’t in contact with him during the game. This will give Gareth a decision to make with one of his favourites missing and my money is on Jordan Henderson being picked to replace him.

Billy Covid Forces Southgate to Change the Team

Day 12 Wednesday 22nd June

The "Draw at Wembley" Trophy Is Ours!!!

The culmination of England’s group which is really all about the Scotland against Croatia game. Whoever wins that will qualify for the last 16 and if it’s a draw then both will go out. There are lots of hopeful noises coming out of Scotland and calls to make history and all that sort of stuff. I have to admit that are part of me hopes they do it, mainly because of the two Southampton players in the team but there is a part of me I hope they fail horribly, maybe with a horrible controversial VAR incident in the 94th minute. England meanwhile are playing the Czech Republic at Wembley and it’s a case of win the game and stay at Wembley for the last 16 game, probably against one of Germany or France or not win the game, come second in the group and have a more winnable last 16 game against someone like Poland or Sweden but then run into France in the quarter-finals. Maybe it will make a difference to Gareth Southgate and the perception of how well the tournament has gone. Quarter-finals doesn’t sound too bad but losing in the last 16 is not a good look.

Anyhow, with Mount unavailable, Southgate had to change the team so it meant a start for Grealish and also surprisingly, a start for Saka, in place of Foden who was not in the match Day 23. England actually start the game really well, playing at a fast pace and looking to get on the front foot straight away. This is being led by Saka and Grealish.  Sterling lobs the keeper and hits the post before we open the scoring after an excellent break by Saka up the right. The ball ends up with Grealish on the left, who takes on the full back and stands up a lovely cross for Sterling to head in at the back post. The rest of the first half was decent. The Czech’s had a few openings but Pickford was not seriously tested and at half time, some of the gloom around England had been lifted. I have to say that the inclusion of Maguire meant that there was at least some progressive passing out of the defence.  In the course of the first half, they had been some cheering and laughter at Wembley and Scotland went behind two ago from Rebic but McGregor’s equaliser just before half-time meant that we still all to play for at Hampden in the second half.  Scotland have scored a goal.  This is not a drill.

Henderson came on at half-time to justify his selection for the original squad and for the first five minutes, started well. And then we reverted to normal. The last 40 minutes went back to being one of those performances where it feels like time stops, as England became turgid and crablike and uninspiring. Grealish and Saka were taken off, hopefully to be rested for the next game and Jaden Sancho got given eight minutes at the end of the game. This was eight minutes more than Dominic Calvert Lewin it was forced to spend another 90 minutes watching Kane lumber about with no success. Rashford came on as a sub as usual and once again showed nothing.  Job done, clean sheet, dull as you like.

The two biggest cheers of the second half we are courtesy of Luka Modrić and Ivan Perisic. Modrić slamming in an exquisite go on the outside of his right boot from the edge of the box and Perisic flicking in a near post header from a corner into the net to enable Croatia to comfortably see off Scotland and take second place in the group. Scotland can console themselves with the “Didn’t lose to England” trophy.

Over the course of England’s three group games, we have played well for about 20 minutes to get to Croatia in about 50 minutes today (if you are being charitable). The step up in the level of opposition in our next game is going to be absolutely huge and so far, we have not shown enough to remotely suggest that we will be able to compete. We will be hard to beat and it may well go to extra time and penalties but that shouldn’t be what this team is about. We have no discernible pattern of play and are just relying on individuals for individually brilliant moments. Grealish and Saka both deserve to keep their places, ahead of Foden and Mount (if he’s available) so let’s hope that they and that Sterling continues his knack of knowing where the ball is going to drop 3 yards out and that Kane actually wakes up. Sterling and Kane have both been poor across the three games but Sterling’s two goals have glossed over that in his case somewhat.  Am I going to go on about our set pieces again? Yes I am.

They were uniformly dreadful with it being like a tombola to see who had a go at putting in the next delivery. You wonder how many will be competent at taking a penalty. Different skill I know but it does make you wonder.

Day 13 Thursday 23rd June

Yeah, That's a Foul

The main interest in group E for the neutral, was wondering if Spain were going to go out having drawn their first two games. They were up against Slovakia, with Sweden playing Poland. In that game, Sweden were already through and Poland had to win. All you need to say about the Spanish game was that they went one up when Martin Dubravka turned to face his own goal and tried to punch the ball over the bar but instead just punched in the net for one of the worst goalkeeper own goals you could ever really wish to see.  In the 70s there was a goalkeeper called Gary Sprake, who threw the ball in his own net which was largely believed to be the worst keeper error of all time but this is pretty close to that. After that, Slovakia played like they’re really couldn’t be arsed and got pumped 5-0. If they had kept it to 1-0, then they would possibly have sneaked through as one of the slightly less shit 3^rd place teams, but no.  Sweden and Poland was a classic with Sweden taking the lead through Forsberg after two minutes. Poland virtually from that moment on, threw the sink at it and really should’ve equalised before half time when Lewandowski managed to hit the bar twice in the same move. The second-half saw Sweden and Forsberg score early again and now Poland really threw the sink at it. Lewandowski cut in from the left and curled the ball over Olsson to make it 2-1 and then found himself all alone in the middle of the penalty area to equalise.  Poland really deserved it to go their way but eventually, as we reached the 91st minute, they over-committed and Sweden worked it well for Claessen to make it 3-2 and send Poland home. Sweden, despite being a horribly dull team have won the group with Spain in second which shakes up the knockout round because Spain will now be in the other half of the draw and Sweden will be in with England.

The Group of Death at France against Portugal and Germany against Hungary. With Germany playing at home, they were expected to beat the Hungarians pretty comfortably but went 1-0 down through Sallai and for a while, the ‘As It Stands’ table was showing Germany finishing fourth and going out - surely this is too much to hope for. The France v Portugal game was turning into a bit of a classic with Portugal taking the lead with a Ronaldo penalty and then Benzema equalising, also from the spot when a ridiculous decision got given in favour of them Mbappe who has clearly been playing with Neymar too long as he threw himself to the ground.  It was 1-1 at half time and the Germans were still losing, meaning that at the moment, England are playing Hungary in the next round. France took the lead through Benzema and Ronaldo equalised with another penalty (this time for Lloris going for a punch and connecting with a Portuguese head) but it became clear that the other game was far more interesting.

The Germans eventually equalised when the Hungarian goalkeeper had an absolute fucking shocker and came rushing out for a cross he was never going to get. This ended with Hummels heading the ball towards goal and Havertz bundling it in from on the goal line. Straight from the kick-off though, a long ball forward and Hungary were back in front. 10 minutes stood between the Germans going out. It was going to be beautiful. It was going to be hilarious but ultimately, it didn’t fucking happen because Goretska fired one in from the edge of the box which deflected past the goalkeeper. There was to be no Hungarian miracle and so with both games ultimately ending to all, France won the group, Germany came second and Portugal went through fairly comfortably in third place.

Thus endeth the Group Stages.

The two halves of the draw are really lopsided now. In one half, you have Italy, Belgium, France and Portugal of the big hitters, whilst in the other half, you have the Netherlands, Germany and England – Netherlands haven’t played anyone good yet but at least looked good, Germany have had one good performance out of three and England haven’t played anyone any good but still looked very average.   From an England point of view, it’s hard not to look ahead - England have Germany at Wembley in the round of 16, followed by a Quarter-final against either Sweden or Ukraine and the other four teams England could meet in the semi-final are Netherlands, Denmark, Wales or the Czech Republic.

One game at a time though so, can we get past the Germans.  I’m expecting a back 5 and two holding midfielders from Southgate and I’m expecting a lot of arse fingering and ball juggling from Low…  If his team turn up like they did against Portugal then they’ll probably beat us.  If not then we may well see penalties or at best, a 1-0 England win.

Quarter Final predictions are:

Wales 1 Denmark 2
Italy 3 Austria 0
Netherlands 2 Czech Republic 0
Belgium 2 Portugal 2 (Portugal win on penalties)
Croatia 1 Spain 1 (Croatia win on penalties)
France 3 Switzerland 0
England 1 Germany 0 (aet)
Sweden 2 Ukraine 1

Euro 2020 Part 2 - (It'll be a fucking miracle if) It's Coming Home

 

First Penalty On the Moon

Day 6 – Wednesday 16th June

The second round of matches started with one of those games that no one really wants to watch with Finland taking on Russia in St Petersburg. Russia had clearly got their timing right for this game because they had a lot more energy than they had in their limp defeat against Belgium. Very odd. Finland thought they taken the lead when the guy with the unpronounceable name, who scored against Denmark, got on the end of a cross but he was ever so marginally offside. It’s a correct call but you know, it’s so close as to be ridiculous and no one from Russia was appealing for offside. Just before half-time, Miranchuk put Russia in front after playing a nice 1-2 in the box and curling it into the top corner. Brilliant goal. The expected Finnish recovery in the second-half didn’t really happen and Russia wasted a lot of chances to improve their goal difference, which I guess may be important after their 3-0 defeat by Belgium. Anyhow, I’m sure that Comrade Putin will be happy with them getting three points.

Off to Azerbaijan for Wales against Turkey and what was virtually an away game for the Welsh. Here we have two teams competing to finish second behind Italy. Turkey were dark horses for the tournament for from their first game and I couldn’t see why and after this game, they are more donkeys than horses and they are not winning any race. They were absolutely shite and Wales won a lot more comfortably than scoring the clinching goal in the 94th minute, actually suggests. Both Aaron Ramsey and Gareth Bale missed sitters with Bale hitting a somewhat fortuitously awarded penalty at the Baku moon but Ramsey’s goal before half time gave them a deserve lead and though they came a bit under pressure in the second half, Wales survived easily enough.  One chance blazed over from Yilmaz and one half decent save by Ward.  In the 93rd minute, Bale hilariously managed to work the same short corner routine twice in a row which allowed him to run along the goal line towards the goal. The first time Turkey got away with it but the second time he managed to tee-up Connor Roberts who made it virtually certain that Wales will be qualifying for the next round in either second or third place.  Well played the Welsh though I cannot stress enough how shite Turkey were but you can only be what’s in front of you and Wales thoroughly deserved to win. Robbie Savage was co-commentator again and gave less professional insight than any pissed-up boyo sitting in a pub in any town in Wales would’ve done. In fact, a pissed-up Welsh speaking boyo in a pub in any town in Wales would’ve offered more insight and made more sense to me, than Robbie Savage. The title of “The Pricks Prick” is completely safe.

You know how I said that Sweden were one of those teams that get through and add absolutely fuck all to the tournament - Switzerland are the same.  They were very average against Wales and today against Italy, they were merely on the pitch at the same time. They did absolutely fuck all in a game which also illustrated how good the Italians are. Not only are they brilliant in attack creating chance after chance, they are superb defensively and here’s the hot take – they play as a team. On the rare occasions that Switzerland got anywhere near their goal I’ve got about eight players closing the ball down or throwing themselves at it. As well as that they’ve got Donnarumma in goal, who looks ridiculously imposing.  They had Gianluigi Bouffon for years and now they’ve got this guy. If England are talking about being major players for the tournament then the Italians are a frightening yardstick. Locatelli in midfield scored two wonderful goals and Immobile finally scored with his 248th effort at the goal. 3-0, absolutely easy And the Italians are the first team through.

Vestergaard Inpects the Number on the Back of Lukaku's Shirt, Again

Day 7 - Thursday 17th June

The graveyard shift saw Ukraine play North Macedonia in one of the Groups of Life, so-called because the Dutch are decent but every other team is shite. With a game of little quality expected Ukraine looks set to win at a canter going 2-0 up half-time with goals from Yarmolenko and Yaremchuk but they sat back allowing North Macedonia some hope and they were eventually awarded a penalty which Alioski, recently at Leeds, missed but managed to stuff the rebound into the net. In truth, Ukraine held out relatively comfortably to get a result which will probably get them through to the next round.  They even missed a penalty of their own at the end.

The main dish of the day was Denmark against Belgium it was sure to be an emotional game after the Christian Eriksen incident from Denmark‘s first game. Denmark were absolutely on fire at the start of the game and tore into Belgium we didn’t seem to know what hit them and a horrific mistake by Jason Deneyer gifted the ball to Hojbjerg, who picked out Christian Paulson to drill it across Courtois and into the far corner to give the Danes a 1-0 lead after about two minutes. It was all Denmark for pretty much the rest of the first half, without really testing Courtois further. There was no way the Belgians were going to be as bad in the second half and they got back into the game by simply bringing on some better players from the bench. The first three subs they brought on were De Bruyne, Eden Hazard and Axel Witsel. It was a mistake by Vestergaard which allowed Lukaku to bully his way down the right hand side before finding De Bruyne in the box and he passed up the opportunity of shooting to absolutely lay on a plate for Thorgen Hazard The Lesser, to make it 1-1. De Bruyne had a fantastic game and capped it off with what turned out to be the winning goal as Lukaku picked him out on the left hand side and he didn’t break stride and just absolutely smashed it past Schmeichel at his near post. Very little blame attached to the keeper though as it was just a brilliant strike. More 24 team nonsense today because Denmark have lost both games but can still go through if they beat Russia in their final game – in their case though, it’s good that they’re still in with a shout.

Netherlands against Austria was exactly as I expected it to be. The Dutch bossed it from the start and Austria basically turned up and watched them do it. It was just a case of how long it would take for the Dutch to score and in the end it was about 10 minutes when the rampaging Dumfries got chopped down on the edge of the penalty area and Depay dispatched the penalty. They should’ve scored about three more before half-time but Depay put an absolute sitter over the bar after Weghorst set him up but there was no danger of Austria making them pay for missing chances in about 20 minutes into the second-half the Dutch broke through the dreadful Austrian high line and Malen drew the last offender before teeing up Dumfries to make it 2-0. End of story, the Dutch go through and you can add Austria to the teams that have added absolutely nothing to this tournament and it’s another nail in the 24 team format.

Day 8 - Friday 18th June

Kane Doesn't move Very Fast These Days

We’ve got the best game possible for the graveyard shift. Sweden versus Slovakia. You must be out of your tiny little mind if you think I’m going to watch that. I’ll stick to the condensed highlights which will be lucky to reach 30 seconds. Okay, I’ll admit I did watch a bit more than that but it was absolute flat-pack IKEA boring shit. In the first half, I thought Sweden still thought they were playing against Spain as they just sat in two lines of four on the edge of their own penalty area and basically did nothing. Isak up front, has got the weight of the whole country on his shoulders because no one does anything remotely resembling anything creative. Slovakia won their first game of course so they were basically out for a draw today and they would’ve got it but for Isak having one of his moments where Dubravka carelessly carted him over. Robbie Savage lookalike Forsberg, dispatched the penalty and that was it. Sweden, despite being absolutely shite, are going to make it through to the last 16. At least Zlatan made them slightly interesting when he was playing and you can see why he’d make them a better team now at the age of 39.

The other two teams in England’s group were next to the Czech Republic taking on Croatia at Hampden Park. I didn’t see anything in this game that made me change my mind about anything I previously thought. Both of these teams are pretty average. The Czech Republic have a striker who is decent and Croatia are over the hill. They had Lovren in the team today and he gave a penalty away by basically jumping and heading the ball. His elbow did make contact with Schick’s head but there is no way he meant it and no way he was even aware that the player was there. Complete joke of a decision. Schick scored the penalty and it look like Croatia were heading for the second defeat but Perisic cut in from the left wing and smashed a shot past the goalkeeper, who made the decision to try and save it with a clenched fist rather than making his hands as big as possible by stretching his fingers out. He would probably have saved it then.

England against Scotland at Wembley and the build-up was one that got you genuinely excited about it all.  Clips of Gazza in 96, goalposts breaking, Kevin Keegan and all that. In the ground, both sets of supporters were giving it large and the anthems being sung at full pelt really built things up nicely and I was really looking forward to it. And then the game started. Scotland the first a show with Adams having a shot blocked when he was left unmarked about 10 yards out and England hit the post relatively early on when Stones rose unchallenged to head Mount’s corner onto the post – has to score there. Scotland continued to carry a threat and Stephen O’Donnell brought a very good save out of Pickford. Like in the first game, for the last 25 minutes of the first half, England were shocking with stodgy possession sideways and backwards and not linking the midfield and attack at all. Phillips was playing a lot deeper than he did against the Croatia, so he and Rice were basically just stood in front of the back four. With the fullbacks not getting forward it was the 6–0-4 formation – a variation on Southgate’s often employed 7-0-3 formation.

Changes were needed at half time – the Rice, Phillips, Mount midfield wasn’t working at all and the full backs weren’t getting forward.  Kane had hardly had a touch and Sterling had looked bright for about 15 minutes but then disappeared. No changes in personnel or style as the second half got going in much the same pattern.  Foden was the best one out of our front six so of course, when it was time to make a sub, he got substituted to be replaced by Grealish because we have course can only have one exciting player on the pitch at any one time. Grealish had a couple of moments but couldn’t do it on his own and he wasn’t getting much help from Sterling or the Bermuda Triangle in midfield.  It was bollocks - Kane was substituted again after 80 minutes of lethargic lumbering about and we were left with hoping for a set piece or a bit of Grealish magic.  The trouble with the set pieces today was that Mount clearly thinks that the ideal height to put in a corner or a free-kick is 4 foot off the ground.  For the last ten minutes,  Rice and Phillips stayed stationed just in front of the back four – just in case Scotland turned into 1982-era Brazil – and that’s now two games for Rice with next to zero passes forwards. The full-backs still didn’t get forward much at all and the game petered out with Scotland gaining a very deserved point. It would’ve been an absolute fucking travesty if we had nicked it.  If anything, Scotland were the better side – a team comfortable in the system they have.

As far as qualification for the next round is concerned, there is no damage done because we could lose to the Czech Republic and still go through but talking up this England side as potential winners, is about as far-fetched as it can get. Southgate is the main problem of course. He settled for a draw at half-time today and to be that risk averse against a team like Scotland it’s just ridiculous – a midfield that doesn’t pass the ball forwards, full backs who don’t get forward. It sounds like I’m being disparaging to Scotland and I really don’t mean to be, they were really very good, outplaying us in midfield and always looking the more dangerous. They had a game plan which was better than England’s and it goes to show that a good team is A lot more than the sum of its parts. More questions than answers for England and I really don’t trust Gareth Southgate to come up with the answers – questions have to be asked over his favourites like Kane, Sterling and Mount after today.  With the likes of Grealish, Bellingham and Sancho, to name but three, sitting on the bench, there is no need to persevere with underperforming players.  I anticipate Henderson and Maguire coming back.

Southampton Fan Bit: A lot was said about James Ward-Prowse when he was left out of the squad (twice).  A lot of the arguments made against his inclusion were from fans of other clubs who don’t watch football outside of goal highlights.  If he’d come on for last half an hour today, of course our set piece delivery would have been better but also, the tempo of passing from midfield would have been much higher and our play from open play would have been much better.  Southgate decided against it though.  JWP in a midfield three with Mount and one of Rice/Phillips would have been a massive upgrade.

Day 9 – Saturday 19^th June

Moment that Preceded Unfortunate Events

France turned up in Hungary for what I expected to be a bit of a procession and a comfortable victory but it ended up being anything but. France proved that if you don’t take your chances then things can go wrong with Griezmann, Mbappe and Benzema, all missing chances you would expect them to score before Hungary got in their half once and Fiana ran through the right-hand side of the French team and slotted in at the near post to give the Magyars the lead. It was never going to last though and after Deschamps put Dembélé on, France immediately looked more dangerous and Griezmann eventually scored with 25 minutes to go. More chances came and went but Hungary held out for a very deserved point in front of 60,000 not socially distanced, very loud Hungarian fans in Budapest.

Reports of Germany’s demise have been greatly exaggerated it seems. They started the better against Portugal and thought they’d taken the lead after about 10 minutes but it was narrowly offside. The Germans must been feeling like it was just going to be one of those tournaments for them, as five minutes after that, Ronaldo won a header on the edge of his own box, Bernardo Silva carried the ball forward before crossing a superb diagonal ball to Jota, to take on his chest, draw Neuer out and touch sideways and there was Ronaldo to run it into the empty goal. Brilliant counter attacking goal.

Germany had this novel tactic that Gareth Southgate could learn from in that they actually attacked with pace and the full-backs got forward and this brought them level as Gosens fired in the cross which Ruben Dias smashed into his own net because he tried to use the wrong foot. Five minutes later and another Gosens cross was missed by everybody and eventually Kimmich fired it back across and it was another Portuguese defender, Gurreiro this time, who supplied the finishing touch. Two more German goals followed after the break with Havertz converting another cross from the left wing by Gosens and then Gosens himself headed in at the back stick with Kimmich put over a perfect cross. Absolutely brilliant from the Germans but I don’t know how Nelson Semedo is considered to even be a footballer, let alone an international defender. At 4-1 down, Portugal went out of counter-attacking mode and pulled one back when Ronaldo teed up Jota to score from virtually under the crossbar. He probably thought about diving though. Renato Sanches nearly gave us an interesting last 10 minutes but he crashed a long-range shot against the post as Manuel Neuer just watched. Bruno Fernandes started again for Portugal and I haven’t mentioned him yet because he was absolutely shite.

The game between Spain and Poland surprised me a bit because I expected Spain to win quite comfortably but I reckoned without their complete inability to put the ball in the net. Morata did put them ahead with a goal that was initially disallowed for offside but VAR gave the goal. Poland stuck at it and should’ve equalised through Lewandowski but he smashed it straight in the keeper. Poland kept at it though and equalised with a superb Lewandowski header before the referee attempted to gift Spain the winner by awarding them a penalty for basically fuck all. Up stepped Moreno and hit the post and the rebound went straight back to the one player you wouldn’t want to go back to, Morata, who spooned it high and wide. Poland then set up to defend the living shit out of it and managed to get the point that keeps them in the competition and gives them a chance of progressing. Spain are in trouble. Fail to beat Slovakia in the third game and they may well go out.

Thus endeth the second round of games.  Germany showed exactly how England should be playing with midfield players looking to go forward and full-backs providing the width. Four goals against Portugal, all created by the full-backs and one of them finished off by the full-back as well. Reece James and Luke Shaw would’ve been back on the halfway line. We may get to see that match-up pretty soon because if England win their group and Germany come second, the old enemies play each other in the last 16. They will be the first decent team that we’ve played…..

Euro 2020 Part 1 - (I'd be very surprised if) It's Coming Home

 

Kjaer: Player of the Tournament

Euro 2020, in 2021. Here we go.

Maybe it’s the elongated Premier League season or maybe it’s a bit of disenchantment with the England team but I have to say that I’m not looking forward to the Euros very much. Gareth Southgate killed my mood a little bit with the squad announcement and the media seem to be giving him a free pass at the moment, saying that his job should be safe regardless of how well England do. For me, with it being virtually a home tournament and all the players that we have that are with Champions League clubs or are incredibly highly rated, I see anything less than a semi-final place as an abject failure. There should be no excuses. What am I expecting from England? Same as always – knocked out by the first decent team we play.

It was only when I looked at the fixture planner on the Thursday before the tournament that I remembered that there were 24 teams and not 16 or 32, which means four third-place teams in every group will get through, meaning basically, you only have to win one game to make the last 16, which was what Northern Ireland did last time around. This is arse. Usually when you see a “group of death”, there are three good teams in it and you know that one of them is going out but the group containing France, Germany and Portugal is not necessarily going to produce a big casualty. 16 teams (like 2012) means a higher quality tournament and you having to perform well in a couple of group games to go through.  The Euros should be 16 teams, the World Cup should be 32.

The tournament is being shown on BBC and ITV which will make a nice change from Sky and BT. Some of the pundits are the same of course but It’s amusing to cancel your Sky subscription and then see that they have got the likes of Olly Murs doing punditry on football. Hilarious.  That’d be like paying £35 a month to read this.

With three home nations qualified, it’s been interesting to see the usual narrative of Scotland and Wales hating the English but the English are supposed to want Scotland and Wales to do well. Fuck that. Because of the Southampton representation I’m not as anti-Scots as I have been in the past but the Welsh can fucking do one. Never forget the celebration video when England got knocked out by Iceland in 2016. Possibly the most disrespectful tinpot thing I’ve ever seen from an international team. Oh yes, no one seems to mention their manager much these days, seeing that he’s up on charges of physically assaulting two women and coercive behaviour.  I wonder if dear old Giggsy will get a mention during their games.

Day 1 - Friday 11th June

The Closest Turkey Got to the Ball All Game

Time for the Euros to start and a decent opening game with Italy playing Turkey. Italy are traditionally of course, one of the big European nations but having not qualified for the last World Cup, this is the dawn of the new Italy, they hope. Turkey are many peoples tips to be a dark horse for the tournament. Can’t see it myself but you never know. In the event, Roberto Mancini’s Italy battered them from first to last but had to wait to the second half before they scored and once they did the second and third came pretty soon after and it has to go down as a very easy win. The main memory from this game won’t be the own goal or the goals from Immobile and Insigne but the arrival of the ball at the centre circle courtesy of a little remote-controlled fucking car. Dear oh Lord.


Day 2 - Saturday 12th June

Robbie Savage Has Always Been Popular

Wales and Switzerland is one of those games that you know is going to be pretty dull but you watch it anyway because you just want to get into the tournament. First half was true to form and 0-0 with Switzerland having all the possession but Wales having a couple of decent chances, mainly instigated through Dan James on the wing. Switzerland took the lead at start the second half with a header through the former wonder-boy Embolo but then inexplicably sat back and allowed Wales to grow into the game and they eventually equalised after a cross and a header by the lighthouse that is Keiffer Moore. He is 6 foot 5 of averageness but it was a very good header. There was a relatively tight VAR call on a second Swiss goal which was correctly ruled out but the main feature of the game was the co-commentary and I use the term lightly, of Robbie Savage who has cemented his title as “The Pricks Prick” straight away. He’s like that clueless fan who sits behind you at football matches talking absolute bollocks and you spend the whole game wondering whether you can ignore it for 90 minutes or are you in fact going to turn round and tell him to shut the fuck up. The last 20 minutes of the game was a definite advert for the fact that the 24 team format with four third-place teams going through, promotes ccnservative, boring, settling-for-a-draw football. If just the top two went through from this group then both teams would’ve been going for it in the last 20 instead of just boring the shite out of us. More does not necessarily mean better. More jeopardy however, does mean better.

Denmark against Finland from Copenhagen is up next and we get served with a reminder the football doesn’t really matter as Christian Eriksen collapsed to the ground with no one near him. A medical emergency was called and within five minutes the game was suspended and then abandoned (or so we thought). The TV footage which was allowed to keep running with horrendous close ups of his face and obvious images of CPR being performed. We saw visibly upset Denmark players trying to keep the cameras off and the players wife come down on the pitch. It was absolutely horrendous and whoever was directing the live TV pictures needs to have a long hard look at themselves.

I assumed that the game has been abandoned but no and an hour and a half later the teams are back out to play the last five minutes of the first half before a quick half-time and then the second half. I took that as meaning the Eriksen was making good progress because there is no way they would’ve restarted the game if he had been in really serious trouble. Anyway, in a somewhat subdued atmosphere the game went on, Denmark had to substitute some players as they weren't in a fit state to play and Finland won with their only effort on target as Kasper Schmeichel made a bit of a bollocks of a header that was straight at him.  Denmark were awarded a soft penalty to have a chance to equalise but Hojbjerg passed it straight to the keeper. I doubt either Pierre or Kasper will care too much.  After the game it transpired that Denmark had been told to finish the game either today or tomorrow. That shouldn’t surprise anyone that UEFA publicly said all the right things but it turns out that behind the scenes, it was just about sticking to the schedule primarily.  The real heroes were Danish skipper Simon Kjaer, referee Anthony Taylor and of course, the paramedics.


Meanwhile, in Russia in St Petersburg, Belgium took on Russia and absolutely battered them. Romelu Lukaku scored twice and Thomas Meunier once as the Belgians cantered to a 3-0 win. Russia didn’t seem to have as much juice in them as they did in the 2018 World Cup when they were the hardest running team in the tournament. I imagine that someone somewhere will be asking questions because that’s really odd.  Someone really needs to put their finger on why that’s happened.

Day 3 - Sunday 13th June

Kalvin Phillips Out On His Own

England started their campaign at Wembley against Croatia and I’m still not feeling it. Every TV channel is trying to big it up before the game but I’m struggling with it. I can’t get too enthusiastic about England these days and an hour before the kick-off, Gareth Southgate left us all wondering what the fuck was going on. The 26 man squad included a left back who won the Champions League and a left back who was in the Premier League team of the season and yet Southgate picks a right back at left back in Kieran Trippier. The rest of the team was predictable and it wasn’t what most people were looking for. Raheem Sterling got picked ahead of Jack Grealish and Kalvin Phillips partnered Declan Rice in midfield or so we thought. Despite being an absolute liability in the two warm-up games, Tyrone Mings was chosen to partner John Stones in the absence of the nowhere near fit Harry Maguire. Into three years since the World Cup, Croatia have a look of a team that has gone over the top. Modrić is now 35 and two of their main big players, Mandzukic and Rakitić have both retired from international football. I’m not sure if Dejan Lovren has retired from international football but he’s not in the side but I think the reason for that, is that he is shit.

England were really electric in the first 20 minutes and Foden went close, curling a shot onto the post but the last 25 minutes of the first half was dreadful as England just went sideways and didn’t string enough passes together to get Harry Kane in the game and he of course, dropped deeper and deeper, meaning that we had no one to pass the ball out to. Trippier was doing okay at left back, apart from the time he turned down the first time cross into the box because it was on his wrong foot. To be honest we could’ve done with Trippier over the other side because Kyle Walker was doing an impression of someone who had never played football before, randomly passing the ball straight out of play.

The BBC pundits have obviously been told to be sunny and positive because at half time, everyone was talking about how well we were playing at conveniently missing out the last 25 minutes. The second half started with England showing slightly more, in particular Kalvin Phillips who was by far our best player and he found time to drive forward from midfield and play a lovely ball into the path of Sterling, which he dispatched into the net first time to give us a lead that we never ever looked like surrendering as Croatia had very, very little in terms of goal threat.

A good start a tournament for England and a win against allegedly the strongest opponent in the group. Personally, I’d be surprised if Scotland’s didn’t put up a better display than Croatia did. It definitely looks like one tournament too far for this golden generation of Croatia players. The unexpected bonuses for England were the performances of Kalvin Phillips and Tyrone Mings, ironically, the two fit players chosen to replace the injured managers pets Henderson and Maguire. I’m reading everywhere that Sterling had a great game. No he didn’t. He took the goal well because he had to take it first time and didn’t have time to think. The problem with Sterling always comes when he has a bit of time and he has a decision to make. I would say cautious optimism going forward from that England display but it seems like everyone is going to go overboard straight away.

Austria and North Macedonia was up next which was a game that didn’t promise much but in the end it was quite entertaining. Austria took the lead with a brilliant cross and volley before a hilarious calamity in the Austrian defence involving two defenders and the goalkeeper pissing around, running into each other and crawling around the ground, enabled Georgi Pandev, who is nearing his forties to score what will probably turn out to be the highlight of the North Macedonians tournament. They were hanging onto the point until deep into the second half when their vulnerability toa crossed ball was exposed again before Arnautovic made it 3-1 in the last minute. He has this angry attitude about him. He’s a bit like a pound shop Zlatan but as far as I know, Zlatan has never allegedly let go a racist tirade against Albanians when he has scored a goal. Arnautovic will no doubt be investigated. Innocent until proven guilty of course but as it’s him, you wouldn’t exactly be surprised, would you? Can multiple previous offences of being an arsehole, be taken into consideration?

In the evening we were off to Amsterdam to watch the Dutch take on Ukraine. The Dutch dominated the game in the first half but it took until the second half Wijnaldum goal to give them the lead. After that, 6 foot 6 unit Weghorst put them 2-0 up and that look like that was going to be that until Ukraine did a madness for three minutes and scored two really good goals. First up, the Dutch defence allowed Yarmolenko to cut in from the right on his left foot and that always ends well as he bent into the top corner and two minutes later, a powerful header from a set piece had Frank de Boer pondering his life choices on the side line. In the end, the Dutch were bailed out as Nathan Ake swang a cross into the back post and Denzel Dumfries, took time off from missing ridiculously easy chances to power a header in at the back post. He was helped by the fact that the keeper had an absolute shocker and that Manchester City’s Zinchenko, didn’t jump with him.

A very entertaining game where no one really seemed to bother about midfield and it was just wave after wave of attacks from both teams. You’re not gonna win the tournament playing like that but you’ll be very entertaining on the way.



Day 4 - Monday 14th June

Scottish Goalkeepers Meme Launching Society

Oh flower of Scotland, 23 years in the making, in a must win game, still fucking shite. Absolute pish, as they say north of the border. In truth, the Scotland team is a bit more likeable than usual but fucking hell they were terrible. A comfortable 2-0 defeat to the Czech Republic who only needed two on-target efforts on goal to win the game. In truth, it was two excellent goals by their forward Schick, guiding in a superb header at the end of the first half and then scoring a ridiculous goal from just inside the Scotland half just after half-time. Scotland goalkeeper David Marshall was the hero not so long ago when he saved a penalty in the play-offs to get them to this tournament… but what on earth he was doing 5 yards from the halfway line when Scotland gave the ball away is absolutely anyone’s guess. One thing I’ve noticed with the pundits on the UK teams is that none of them call shite what it is. That was a monumentally is shite bit of goalkeeping but no one called it at the time.

Che Adams was left out in favour of Lyndon Dykes who plays for QPR and doesn’t score any goals in the Championship. Surprise surprise, he didn’t score any goals today and Adams looked miles better when he came on. Stuart Armstrong had a decent game in midfield which was largely bypassed by Scotland launching it forward. Armstrong was sacrificed with 20 minutes to go because Steve Clarke thought Ryan Fraser might actually add something to the Scottish attacking effort. Surprise surprise, the wee shite who refused to play for his club once upon a time, couldn’t have produced less if he refused to go on as a substitute. I’m sure that the Scots will play a lot better on Friday against England but if we can’t beat them, then it’s a really really bad day.

Next game up was Poland against Slovakia. Poland are always horrifically shite when they get to the final stages of a tournament, rivalled only by Scotland I would imagine. Predictably, though favourites, the Poles slipped to a 2-1 defeat, helped by Grzegorz Krychowiak getting himself sent off with 40 minutes still to go. Jan Bednarek was in the Poland defence but it’s already looking very unlikely he will make it to the second phase given that Spain and Sweden are the other two teams in the group.

What can you say about Sweden. They qualify for every single tournament and in every tournament they bring a blaze of colour to the proceedings and absolutely fuck all else. 10 men behind the ball for the entire game, relying on they’re one creative player, Isak, to do something magical which he did on a couple of occasions but unfortunately he passed the ball to his strike partner Berg, who produced one of the worst misses that you could possibly imagine, scooping an open goal over the bar from 5 yards. Spain huffed and puffed and passed it around endlessly but they still have Morata as their main striker and he is unsurprisingly, still shite. Unless Moreno or Morata can score a few goals, they’ll be getting out of the group but not much else.

Day 5 – Tuesday 15th June

The Game Lasts 90 Minutes, and at the end, The Germans.... 

The Group of Death started today which I’ve only just realised is made more interesting by the fact that Hungary are playing two games at home including this one. Not only that, they are playing with the stadiums at full capacity so I would imagine that’s going to be fairly mental for an away team. Hang on, are we still calling at the Group of Death, given what went on in the Denmark game? Oh yes, the mainstream media are still calling it the Group of Death presumably because Christian Eriksen is going to be ok. Fine. Carry on. Portugal of course are still led by bright shiny Ronaldo who even at 36 still takes everything and berates his teammates like naughty school children if they do anything remotely not to his liking. Consequently, it was quite funny when he put a sitter over the bar having been given a goal on a plate in the first half and as the game wore on, it looked like it might prove costly. With 15 to go Hungary then had a goal disallowed for offside which to be fair, was fucking miles offside and there is no reason why the linesman could’ve stuck his flag up earlier but regardless, it seemed to spark Portugal into life and they eventually ran away with a game with three goals in the last 10 minutes. The first was a deflected shot from Gurrero, then came the obligatory penalty which Ronaldo dispatched and then a brilliant flowing move which ended with, yep you guessed it, Ronaldo scoring the third. A little bit of Bruno Fernandes must die every time Ronaldo scores a goal, especially a penalty.

The final match of the first round of games in the Group of Death, featured Germany at home to France and it was a strange game in truth. France always look the more likely to win and took the lead through a hilarious own goal by Mats Hummels, before being content to sit and play on the break which is an okay thing to do when you’ve got Kante winning the ball in midfield, Pogba picking out forward runners and Mbappe, Benzema and Griezmann upfront. They were only denied two goals by tight offside calls but still won comfortably. Germany have got no strikers at all. Gnabry was shite and they replaced him with Timo Werner, the German Shane Long who ran around, kicked the ball aimlessly out of play and produced a number of dreadful touches. Havertz did nothing, Leroy Sane did nothing. The only thing that was consistent was Joachim Loew doing that scratch and sniff thing that he does so well. I gather that the Covid regulations mean you have to wash your hands after you play with your balls these days. Talking of hygiene, I can’t imagine anyone is going to take too kindly to the pictures which pretty clearly showed Toni Rudiger biting Paul Pogba‘s shoulder. Rudiger has some strange ideas about defending. It was only just over a week or so ago that he nearly put Kevin De Bruyne out of the tournament with a shoulder charge into his cheek.

So, the end of the first round of matches and if you had to pick a favourite for the tournament you’d have to go with France, closely followed by Italy. Let’s not get too excited about England yet because if they win the group, which they surely should given the strength of the opposition we are facing, we will be playing in all probability, one of France or Portugal in the last 16.  That’ll be the first decent team we play….