Premier League Match 37 - Brighton 3 Southampton 1

 

Evan Ferguson versus Hologram doesn't end well.

It’s dead rubber time and a trip to Brighton. Apparently, we have never lost at The Amex in the Premier League. With Brighton still chasing a European place it will be something of a miracle if that is still the case after today.

Ruben Selles is in a slightly strange position today because he is in charge for the second to last game of his audition to get the job next year and he already knows that he isn’t getting the job because the name of Russell Martin has loomed large all week and it seems that he will be the new manager, tasked with unravelling the tangled web of shite that is our first team squad and overseeing the rebuild in the summer.  Ruben was of course questioned about this during the week and confirmed that he would not be reverting back to being a coach. Don’t let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

Talk has turned to the young players in the B team and whether they will get minutes on the pitch today. The ones being mentioned are Dominic Ballard, Kamari Doyle and Sam Amo-Ameyaw. All three are forward going players so there’s absolutely no danger in giving them a game because let’s face it, our forwards are shite and have been all season.

As far as I’m concerned, we should use today’s game productively for next season and give minutes to those who may well be around. Of course, we don’t want to get absolutely battered but this game literally doesn’t matter. We are not chasing any prize money because we can’t move out of 20th position and as far as we are concerned there is absolutely nothing riding on it at all.

Brighton have had an amazing season and currently sit sixth in the Premier League.  They handed Manchester City the title during the week by winning 3-0 at Arsenal and will want to make up for their last home game which was a 5-1 defeat by Everton in what was the freakiest of freak results.

Brighton have been playing out of a lot of games recently so there is a chance that they will be a bit leggy today but leggy or not, they will surely have enough to beat us. They are Southampton 2016 and the challenge will be to make sure they are not Southampton 2023 and they carry on getting their recruitment right and replacing the players that they undoubtably will continue to keep losing to the big boys.  They’ve had no problems replacing Bissouma and Trossard this season.  Next seasons challenge will be to probably replace Caicedo and Mac Allister.  They may even have to replace their manager as Roberto de Zerbi has done an amazing job since replacing Graham Potter when he took up the poisoned chalice at Chelsea and even lost twice to Southampton…. and they’re shit!

Even with the Championship program already finished and him apparently living in Brighton,  I doubt that Russell Martin is anywhere to be seen in the ground today. Even if he’s not I’m sure he will be making notes if he is indeed going to be the man. Martin has led Swansea to two mid-table finishes in the Championship in the last two seasons and whilst that’s not anything to write home about on the face of it, you have to consider the extenuating factors of Swansea’s very unpopular ownership and the small budget he has been working with. Martin’s teams try to play a good football with lots of possession, which is great as long as you are pragmatic and know when it’s time to not do that. We will see, of course, although I expect things to be confirmed fairly quickly.

Russell Celebrates not having Michael Obafemi any more

For now, we haven’t got Russell Martin, we have Ruben Selles and it’s 1 o’clock and time for the team news and once again, it has everybody punching themselves in the face.  Having been absolutely shit on his last start and having done absolutely nothing since then, Joe Aribo is starting and it looks like he’s up front with Charly Alcaraz.  Elyounoussi has been recalled in place of Stuart Armstrong because fuck knows why, and the only other change of note is James Bree starting instead of Maitland-Niles. The bench contains Ballard, Doyle Amo-Ameyaw and also Tino Livramento but what are the odds that we are out of the game before any of them get on because the starting line-up is fucking dismal?

The motivation for Brighton is absolutely clear because if they win this game then they have qualified for Europe for the first ever time. That motivation sees them make the better start and Bednarek’s header is picked up by Mitoma who jinks inside and has a clear shot on his right foot but passes it wide of the post. That really should’ve been 1-0.

Saints settle into things and Alcaraz picks up the ball in midfield and gets away from Caicedo before finding Walcott ahead of him. Walcott draws in Lewis Dunk before knocking it back to Alcaraz and with the whole go to aim at, he shanks it wide of the near post in pretty shit fashion.  He’s the one player who we would’ve wanted to have that chance ….

We are however, playing with a confidence that belies the fact that we are shite and bottom of the league and going down.  Twenty or so passes in our our back third and the crowd around me are all giving it the ‘Ole’ and it’s all quite funny in a “we are shit but we’re having a laugh“ kind of way and then McCarthy knocks a shit ball to Bednarek who slips over allowing Mitoma to nick in, chip the keeper and see the ball hit the post and bounce straight back to the prone McCarthy.  Hilarious, 20 passes to give the ball away 5 yards from our own goal.  Somewhere in the crowd, in a disguise, Russell Martin is cringing.

The hilarity doesn’t last long.  Caicedo picks up the ball in midfield and finds Mac Allister in the number 10 position and he knocks it to the right to Ferguson who doesn’t seem to have many options so he decides to hit it and it goes past Lyanco and straight through the hologram in goal - for fuck‘s sake, what a shit goal and after three goes at it, we’ve finally managed to go behind.

Saints create a half chance as Walcott attempts an audacious effort with the outside of his right foot which ended up as closer to the corner flag as it did to the goal. We then give the ball away when Alcaraz gives a loose pass to Lavia and Brighton break through Mitoma but Lavia has got it covered and is going to get to the ball first until Mitoma pulls him back and Lavia goes over.  Mitoma bursts up the left before anyone else can get to him and rolls it across and there is Evan Ferguson to knock it easily into the net again. Paul Tierney is not interested and nor is VAR and then they make the mistake of actually showing the replay in the stadium.

It is undoubtedly a piss week challenge by Lavia but that is absolutely a free-kick for everyone else. Mitoma does give him a little pull which would usually be given by a referee but not today and once he’s not given it, they are is not going to point it out as a howler so well played Paul Tierney. 2-0

We get to half-time just the two goals behind but in all truth it’s been absolutely wank and it is also no surprise at all that Selles sends the same team out there for the second half, probably because he’s been happy with our shape and the fact we are working towards getting some good results at some point with our performances.  Fucking idiot.  

Anyway, the team does come out with a bit more energy in the second half and Aribo actually runs and actually makes a contribution, flicking a ball to Walcott and his eventual cross is knocked behind by Veltman for a corner.

Elyounoussi Signs Off

In comes the inswinger from JWP, up got the heads and it flicks off of someone and ends up in the net - fucking hell we’ve scored. Unexpected bonus. No one knows who scored and I assume it’s an own goal but as play restarts, a little ball appears next to the goalscorer‘s name on the scoreboard at the far end and it’s Elyounoussi of all people in what will hopefully be his farewell gift.

A few minutes pass and a Brighton attack is broken up when Ferguson goes for his hat-trick and smashes it against a defender and via Alcaraz and Lavia, we get the ball to JWP in midfield and he plays a lovely ball behind the left back Estupinan and Walcott is away and he cuts across Estupinan, draws Steele out and flips it over him and into the net. Fucking mental and absolute pandemonium in our end and fuck me we’ve scored again.  Or have we…. Off to VAR

“Paul, Paul, it’s Stockley Park”
“What’s up lads”
“Look at those twats celebrating up the Southampton end like they’ve forgotten VAR exists”
“I know, wankers the lot of them though to be fair, they don’t score often”
“And they were throwing that inflatable turd about earlier on”
“I know, I took that personally mate”
“Anyway Paul, I’ve drawn the lines with the help of Jon Moss and guess what?”
“He’s eating his second dinner?”
“Yes he is mate but more importantly, it’s offside by one millimetre”
“Is it that accurate now mate?”
“No, but if I draw the line from a random point on Walcott’s shoulder then it is what I say it is”
“I thought level was onside?”
“No mate, no such thing as level now, especially today”
“Why’s that?”
“Cos Brighton should have had 4 penalties at Spurs a few weeks back and we gave none”
“Oh yeah… Super League 6”
“You got it… and it has to even up over the season”
“…. And it doesn’t matter about Southampton because they’re shit and going down anyway?”
“Exactly”

Oh VAR can just get fucked off into the bin.  JWP clearly agrees and he’s saying things that Paul Tierney doesn’t like because he gets a yellow card.

James Bree has been having a decent game at right back but he gets caught out by the pace of Mitoma and launches him up in the air which gives Brighton a free kick on the left-hand side and it comes from Gross and the powerful downward header from Veltman is superbly saved down low by McCarthy and Bednarek knocks it off for a corner. The corner is headed out as far as Gross on the far corner of the penalty area and he cuts inside some decidedly half-arsed pressing by Aribo and then scuffs it left footed all the way along the ground and it beats the Hologram of McCarthy at his near post

With the game now dead it’s time for an episode of Selles Subs, with Alcaraz, Elyounoussi and Aribo being replaced with Stuart Armstrong, Sulemana and Dominic Ballard. A few minutes later we get James Bree being replaced with Tino Livramento to try and exercise the ghost of the Amex, where he first did his knee.

Tino gets involved straight away, piling into a tackle on Mitoma and he gets up with no problem and is then involved again, heading a cross out to the edge of the box where Mac Allister smashes it on the volley about a foot over the bar.

Lavia comes off and is replaced by Kamari Doyle for his debut but the rest of the game is a bit of a procession with Brighton just knocking the ball around until time runs out and so we slipped to yet another defeat in this fucking dismal season.

Today was a story we’ve heard many times before this season – we played well for a random 15 minutes in the middle of the game when we actually got on the front foot and attacked, but of course it’s never enough to win a Premier League game just playing for 15 minutes.

We created the chance in the first half at 0-0 that fell to Alcaraz, the player who we would want it to be fall to and he unfortunately missed and straight after that we were 2-0 down thanks to Ferguson blasting a shot through the McHologram and then Paul Tierney deciding not to give us a free kick for Mitoma pulling back Lavia.  I know that Lavia should’ve been stronger and it would’ve been soft as fuck, but that gets given as a foul in virtually every Premier League game I’ve seen this season.

Though I was absolutely steaming at the time that our soon to be departing manager didn’t make any changes at half-time, we came out with some more intent, scored via Elyounoussi’s flick header from JWP’s corner and we had Brighton rattled and then the moment of most significance in the game when JWP put Theo Walcott through and he brilliantly finished to send the away end mental, only for VAR to disallow it for really, fuck all.  It’s millimetres, so much so that you couldn’t tell even with the fucking lines drawn across. I know it’s us but that should be a goal, for anyone.  I have always loosely been in favour of VAR and thought that in time it would sort yourself out but it’s not going to.  It’s about 2 1/2 years since we had a goal disallowed against Aston Villa because a randomly selected part of Danny Ings armpit was offside and here we are today still getting an absolutely fucking shit application of VAR. I know people are gonna say that it’s a binary yes/no decision but fuck off, I’m done with it, get rid of it, bring the excitement back into the game.  I’d rather put up with a few wrong decisions than the absolute fucking shambles of what happens now. Scoring a goal with such a big outpouring of emotion (which is what football is all about) and then three minutes later, some wanker at Stockley Park with a fucking Etch-a-Sketch, decides he’s gonna shit over everyone’s enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong, we still would’ve lost because no doubt Brighton would’ve gone straight up our end and scored again but that’s not the point and I am honestly looking forward to next season and not having fucking VAR.  If it hits the net and the linesman hasn’t flagged, it’s a fucking goal and happy days and let’s get on with it.

VAR Can Get In The Fucking Bin

The disallowed goal knocked all the stuffing out of us because it doesn’t take much as you know and then Brighton scored again courtesy of some unsurprisingly bad closing down by Aribo and more hologram by McCarthy allowing a scuffed effort from 20 yards to creep in at his near post. Fuck me we need a new goalkeeper for next season.

Where do we start with Selles this week? With a fucking abysmal team selection for starters. Aribo got given that not today apparently because he looked good in training that’s as we found out a couple of weeks ago when he picked Adam Armstrong.  Shit players will always resort to type in an actual game, regardless of a good training session at half pace with nothing riding on it.

Aribo was lazy, didn’t press, didn’t make runs, wasn’t strong in holding off players and generally was a shit as we all knew he was going to be. Selles is absolutely deluded. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if he thought he’s actually done a good job since he became the manager. What is it now, no win in 14 games. Any manager in the Premier League will be lucky to not get sacked after a run like that so he can demand respect and communication as much as he wants because at the end of the day, he’s been fucking useless.  I agree that there should be communication of course but he’s been shocking and a lot of his decisions just don’t make any fucking sense at all and how can he be surprised – he’s not being sacked, his contract is ending and we’ve getting in someone else.

Though I completely disagreed with Tino Livramento playing this season, he did put in a very good 10 minutes when he came home and looked like he’d never been away. I don’t see what we really have to gain by putting him on the pitch this season but it worked out okay. The other headline news today was of course the full debuts in the Premier League of Dominic Ballard and Kamari Doyle who both looked as you’d expect, slightly lightweight and with a lot to learn. Hopefully they get more minutes next week.

Our away support was magnificent throughout. I stayed long enough at the end to applaud the players off. They had put in a good shift but just weren’t good enough at the end of the day. I particularly liked the fact that Dominic Ballard, Kamari Doyle and Sam Amo-Ameyaw got very close to the crowd and were clearly taking in what it’s like to have a packed crowd of supporters in front of you. It was a good moment and sums up why you should give minutes in games like this to youngsters and not waste them on shit players are definitely not going to be here next season

Brighton’s win of course meant they qualified for Europe and fair play to them. It will be a massive adventure for them next season and one that they should embrace because as we know as a club of similar size, it doesn’t come around too often and you have to make the most of it. Good luck to them and they should are now a model that we should attempt to follow.

One more fucking game to go and it’s a proper dead rubber against Liverpool who are going to have absolutely nothing to play for either. I am certain however that their “getting ready for the beach” level is going to be considerably higher than ours. Bring it on.