Premier League Match 32 - Southampton 4 Newcastle 0

I know it's a cliche, but....

Some games you look forward to more than others and the visit of Newcastle is one of those for a number of reasons.  I don’t necessarily agree with the concept of having a second team but they are certainly one of the teams I look out for due to my Grandfather being from that neck of the woods.  It’s also a decent game more often than not and of course, usually we win at home and get humped away.  Since their promotion back to the Premier League, Newcastle have been a bit of a circus to the casual observer with a cast of characters who all seem to bring something negative to the party, led by Mike Ashley, who has made his millions from the health and leisure industry and then spends a fair chunk of it on pies and beer.  Nothing wrong with that in itself I hear you cry.  They have done something right and binned Joe Kinnear whose “world class” skills and contacts had brought Newcastle two loan signings.  Call me old fashioned or call me Little Englander or whatever but I find it amazing that a community with such a strong identity like the Geordies, is represented almost exclusively by Frenchmen .  Fair play to the Toon Army in managing to maintain their passion for the black and white shirt with that on the pitch and the farce off of it.

Considering the never ending soap opera off the pitch, Newcastle have done quite well on it and are in the cringingly titled ‘Race for 8^th’ with our good selves.  What bollocks!  Newcastle have struggled of late though as they sold their best player (Cabaye) in January and their main goalscorer (Remy) hasn’t been on the pitch but on the plus side, he's not a rapist.  His goals have been vital for them so I’m sure Kinnear will have that on his CV as he was one of Kinnear’s two loan signings.  The manager of course is our old gaffer Alan Pardew who hilariously dropped his nut on a Hull player a few weeks back for which he got a 7 game touchline ban and 3 game ban from the ground.  Today is his first game back in the stand.  Personally I have no axe to grind with Pards who did the job he was brought in to do in the 2 years he was here and of course, we won the JPT which was 4 years ago this week.

This week was a quiet one for Saints with the only real news being Andy Robinson moving to Bolton in a try before you buy deal as he’ll be out of contract at the end of the season and he won’t be getting another one here.  There was of course lots of other “news” but it was of course all bollocks of the ‘Shaw signing for 4 different clubs’ variety.   I mentioned last week on how well we’d done considering that out of our big 3 signings, only Dejan Lovren has really delivered due to Big Vic’s injury problems and Osvaldo being a cock.  It was proof that Mauricio Pochettino reads this blog because he said the same thing in his pre-match press conference.  He didn’t call Osvaldo a cock but that was only because he didn’t want me to sue him for copyright infringement.

To today and despite rumours of 7 players being injured, Mauricio named a side with just the only change in it with Chambers coming in for the injured Clyne.  J-Rod and Steve Davis were both fit and Morgan returned to the bench.  We still had the ‘soft’ centre of Corky and JWP from last week’s debacle at Spurs and that would probably be interesting against Cheik Tiote who is not a shrinking violet when it comes to getting stuck in.  Newcastle had a team of Frenchmen, about 8 of them.  There’s a little chap called Anita who might be from Holland but for the sake of argument, he’s French and all.  Santon is Italian but he has a very French sounding name and is on the bench.  Their two token Englishmen are Rob Elliot in goal (in for the injured Tim Krul) and Mike Williamson who has managed to forge a decent career despite being rejected by ourselves a few years back and runnign like he's towing a caravan.

To cut a very long traffic nightmare short, instead of parking the other side of the Itchen Bridge as usual, we’d ended up parking near the Royal South Hants Hospital so the walk to the ground involved walking down Derby Road.  Didn’t see any ladies touting for business which I was pleased about so I didn’t have to explain anything to my 9 year old.    Arriving in the ground just the two minutes after kick off, we pissed everyone off making them stand up to let us in.  No sooner had we taken our seats then Dejan pinged a ball over the top of the lumbering Yanga-Mbiwa at right back and J-Rod took it expertly but when confronted with Elliot rushing out, went for power with the outside of his right foot and hit the side netting.  Side netting was the order of the day a few minutes later as well as Chambers got down the right, totally unhindered by the bloke with the brush on his head at left back and crossed for J-Rod to climb and hit virtually the same spot as last time.

I was already sensing Newcastle weren’t up for this at all.  The midfield wasn’t closing down and making it difficult for us and the defence wasn’t picking players up.  They seemed to be playing a high line but the full backs were taking it in turns to have a kip about 10 yards behind the other three defenders.  Lallana easily found space in midfield and sent Sir Rickie away on the right and his cross was once again met by J-Rod but Elliot got across to make a decent save.

JWP managed to find enough space to casually wander forward and arrow in a shot which once again hit the side netting yet again before Steve Davis expertly slid Sir Rickie through and Elliot pulled off a top drawer reaction save as the big man attempted to chip it over him.  The thing to remember here is that there are only 15 minutes gone and we should already be out of sight and we are not even in front.

There is some great football being played though but we still find ways not to score.  Firstly Sir Rickie chips over the defenders to Chambers who heads across and Lallana dives in front of Coloccini and heads just wide.  Two minutes later we get a corner and JWP’s delivery is met by Lovren who has got himself free but he can’t keep it down.  Twenty minutes gone, 400 efforts on goal, 0-0.

What of our opponents as an attacking threat I hear you cry.  Well, nothing.  They basically bang it up to Cisse who is not strong enough to hold it up, has no support even if he does and if the punt goes over him, he hasn’t got the pace to do any damage.  Their most talented player is of course Ben Arfa who is tethered to the right wing with a clear detail to protect the hopeless Yanga-Mbiwank at right back.  This is the equivalent of telling Adam Lallana to play in defensive midfield and not cross the half way line and in short, it’s a massive waste but who am I to argue with it.  If it was my team though I'd be going fucking nuts.

It looked like we were going to get to half time without scoring and even more so when a cross came in, Sir Rickie rose majestically to head down to J-Rod and from right in front of Eliot, he connected but it was too close to the keeper and once again, Elliot got across to keep it out.  He’s turning into a bit of a bastard and no mistake.

I don’t know how it happened but King Artur has the ball in his hands.  This kind of suggest Newcastle has at attack but I don’t remember it.  Anyway, a bowl out and Steve Davis is away  and chips over defensive line to Sir Rickie on the right.  I call it a defensive line but it’s a dog leg.  Brush-head, Williamson and Coloccini are in a line and Yanga-Mbiwank is about 10 yards further back.  It looks like Sir Rickie is about to try and break the net but instead, rolls it across to J-Rod who is also onside and he can’t miss. 1-0, at last.

Half time and everyone in our end of the ground is happy.  It should be many more but we’ll take 1-0.  The woman who sits behind me with the radio permanently in her ear, talks for 10 minutes about Bournemouth’s game while my dad rolls his eyes into the top of his head and decides whether he should throttle her.

Half time saw the tea lady so into the Newcastle changing room and Pardew ask if she was married before head-butting her.  In amongst all that he decided to take off their most creative player and replace him with a striker who was signed by Joe Kinnear in Luuk de Jong who at least is Dutch and not French.  Davide Santon has a French name but is apparently Italian.  He also has a right foot and no left foot but is a left back who Pardew today plays on the right in place of Yanga-Mbiwank who has been our best player.

The new full back proves a capable replacement for the previous one after five minutes when he wanders forward as Sir Rickie wanders in behind him, take a touch to control Lallana’s chip across and buries it into the roof of the net to make it 2-0.

It is becoming traditional that we at this time, 2-0 up and cruising, take our foot off the gas and try and give the opposition a way back into it.  There is a flicker from Newcastle with a couple of crosses being hammered over more in hope than expectation and a corner that amounts to nothing. Then comes the single moment that sums the game up.  Corky jigs past Anita in midfield and over-runs it slightly.  It’s a 70-30 ball in favour of hard-man Tiote but he just doesn’t fancy it.  Corky steams in and wins it - It’s a bit man-and-ball and Tiote is hopping around like it was a foul.  Corky also put his hand up as if to apologise.  Whilst all this is going on, not one Newcastle player reacts to the fact that no free-kick has been given and Lallana picks it up, goes forward unopposed and from 25 yards, spanks it left footed into the top corner. 3-0, game over and 3-0 to the Ing-ger-land.

We have a go at letting in a goal and Cisse gets through on the left only to see the flying Polish Starjump Goalkeeper do his thing and concede a corner.  Mauricio is obviously keen to make entirely sure of the win after las weeks fiasco and when the ever-excellent Steven Davis is removed, it’s Morgan Schneiderlin who comes on, rather than give Harrison Reed 20 minutes which is what you might normally expect at 3-0 up.

With JWP pushed further forward, he nearly gets his first league goal and it takes another fantastic stop to deny him.  Sir Rickie crosses from the right, J-Rod climbs and hits the post and JWP completely leathers the rebound goalwards from about 5 yards but yet again, bloody Elliot is there again to somehow keep it out.

Sissoko is limping off for Newcastle which is the most effort he’s put in all game and Dummett is on and Gaston is on for his obligatory 10 minutes in place of Sir Rickie who gets the standing ovation he deserves for a performance which at least guarantees a weekend of him not being criticized by a section of the Idiot Division of the SFC Keyboard Warriors.  Jose Fonte then pulls out his weekly 'have a goal' backpass which presents Cisse with a run on goal but given a 9 yard head start, Shaw still catches him in 10.

Gaston is looking much more purposeful these days and he find space in midfield, look up and pings a ball behind Santon for J-Rod to run on to.  He keeps it in, cuts back inside the half-arsed full back and smashes it though the unfortunate Elliot’s legs for 4-0 to the Ing-ger-land.  Unfortunate for the excellent keeper to let in one through his legs ut it was from very close range and Santon could not have done less to prevent it if he tried.

We reach the 90^th minutes so it must be time for Big Sam to come on and it’s standing ovation time again as Lallana is replaced.  There is no time for us to throw away the clean sheet in the usual fashion and so The Race for 8^th takes a turn in our favour.  On today’s show it’s unbelievable that there are only one place and 2 points between these two sides.

Well that was easy.  I didn’t think it would be possible to find a team who were as bad as Norwich but Newcastle managed it and then some.  At least Norwich managed to score when Jose Fonte gave them the ball but Newcastle couldn’t even do that.  They will say that they have nothing to play for but nor do we – “The Race for 8^th” – No.  We were very good but make no mistake; they were incredibly bad with no one giving a shit and no organization anywhere in the team.  It’s the sort of performance that gets a manager the sack so Pards should be a bit concerned.  I wonder if anyone did background checks into all the French players characters before they signed them.  Somehow I doubt it as they couldn’t have cared less if they tried (and they wouldn't have tried).  Elliot in goal was brilliant and but for him, we would have won by 10 and that would have been deserved and J-Rod would have caught up the 5 goals he is behind Sturridge in the race to be the top English goalscorer.  The irony is that Elliot will get dropped next week if Krul is fit.  Maybe they should play him on the pitch as he’s put more in than the other buggers.

I can’t do justice to the ineptitude of Newcastle but if you have 10 minutes and are not at work or sitting with your kids, have a watch of this.  I don’t often link to other stuff but this is brilliant.  Not just for the humour but for the passion for his side and the anger at the gutless display.  Perhaps he should translate it into French so the Newcastle players can understand it. 

Not so long ago, I used to think J-Rod was a real outside bet for an England place but I’m beginning to wonder now how Hodgson could possibly take Welbeck and not take Jay.  I know that Welbeck has had some good games for England in the past but that’s the past and England have failed in every tournament when we’ve picked on reputation.  Wilshere and Townsend are two that have done well for England in the past but they both done nothing this season so why pick them.  Pick players who have had good seasons and give it a go.  If he does that then we’ll have 4 players on the plane and they all will deserve it.  Sir Rickie was magnificent today, unselfishly laying another on a plate for Jay as well as scoring himself and as for Adam Lallana... well, unplayable.  He has to start for England and there can be no argument.  Another week has gone by where Luke Shaw has played well and Ashley Cole has not played at all.

Mauricio was obviously quite chuffed with the display, dedicating it to the fans which is always nice.  He might not speak English to the press but he always remembered which side his bread is buttered on and that’s fine by me (Sunderland in the FA Cup aside).  Homeward bound via Derby Road - no one got laid but Newcastle got fucked.

Next up we are involved in the title race as we take on Manchester City at the Etihad.  No doubt there will be those of a Chelsea and those of a Liverpool persuasion wishing us well as well as wishing to sign all our players.  I can’t see us getting much myself but stranger things have happened.  Mauricio is undefeated in games against them in the two outings we’ve had so you never know. 

Anyway, let’s not worry about Manchester City and Newcastle United.  We were fucking brilliant today.