Premier League Match 12 - Southampton 1 Everton 2

I Told Ralph Where the Secret Drinks Cabinet Was

You can argue all day whether this game against Everton is a must win game or not. Whether it is or whether it isn’t, it would certainly help if we won it. There are a number of tactical things that Ralph must ponder before picking his team for today. The defence played well last week but we were very very compact and you can’t always be that in home games when you’re trying to score a goal at the other end as usually the defence pushes up towards the halfway line. Can we afford to do that with the oil tanker that is Vestergaard in the side? Will Vestergaard even play? If not, will Danso play in the back three or will it even be a back three, maybe it will be a back four and if so, which two centre backs will play when you have to bear in mind that none out of Stephens, Hojbjerg or Valery seem very comfortable in a flat back four. My guess is that we will pick the same 11, in the same formation as we had up at City. Maybe the fit again Cedric will come in for Valery but maybe not as he announced he was leaving this week. I can’t see Djenepo starting ahead of Armstrong as I think the man from Mali will be left to be used as an impact sub in the last 25 minutes or so.

We have to be looking to win this game as Everton are shit away from home and they have been pretty much just a shit as we have been this season. They only sit a couple of places above us in the league table which for a team of their expectancy is pretty appalling. Most recently they had a home 1-1 draw with Spurs which was one of the worst games I have ever sat through. The game itself will only be remembered for the horrific injury suffered by Andre Gomes and we can only hope that he makes a full recovery. The injury to Gomes will no doubt bring Gylfi Sigurdsson into the Everton line-up which is a shame because as we all know, the bastard always scores against us.

This game is going to either force a jolt of major optimism through the Saints fan base or it is going to serve as a collective kick in the bollocks and suck all the life out of everyone. I think most accept now that we are in a relegation battle already and that we need to start picking up points in the battle... and that starts today.

The main news of this week has been Radhi Jaidi leaving the football club, temporarily it appears, to take over as the manager of the Houston Oil Tankers or whoever in the second division of the MLS in America. On the face of it this seems very odd. On the one hand we could be seeing great potential in the guy and want to loan him out to give him experience. This appears to be fraught with danger because if he loses his first 10 games they are not going to want to keep him and he’ll come back to us having proved only that he was a failure.  If he does well and stays for a full year, then what? Does he come back to Southampton and take over the under 23’s again? What if whoever takes over the under 23’s does well?  I find it slightly odd that with all the times we’ve changed managers over the last few years, Jaidi has never been mentioned as a serious candidate for either the permanent position or even as a caretaker manager. When Ralph was about to join, the club saw fit to put Kelvin bloody Davis in charge, a man with zero management experience at any level at all.

If you’re being uncharitable about it then you could say that Saints are merely treading the well worn path of for some reason, not being able to get rid of someone, so we loan him out like we have done all the shit players.

Right up there with Lemina in the "Fucking Deluded Dickhead" Stakes

There was also a remarkable newspaper piece about Cedric which his representatives must have written themselves. It basically stated that he was brilliant (when he’s bang average at best) and that Saints couldn’t afford to let him and Virgil Van Dijk go at the same time (as if he was in any way relevant in that) and that he had an amazingly successful loan spell at Inter (4 games in 4 months and they didn’t want him) and that he’s a great crosser if the ball (if you forget about the 9 out of 10 crosses that go to fucking no one or straight to a defender). Also apparently, he is leaving at the end of the season no matter what. Good fucking riddance you Harry Styles wannabe boy band tight shirted dick head. Fuck off. How on earth have the club allowed him to give this interview and basically talk absolute fucking bollocks about himself in an attempt to put himself in the shop window.? Me, me, me, me, me. Fuck off.

After a traffic nightmare around Mount Pleasant train gates, I get to the ground two minutes before kick-off and take ownership of my free scarf, I assume given as some sort of consolation prize for watching us lose 9-0 the other week. The sight of this shit actually puts me in a bad mood before the game kicks off. Ralph has clearly been at Whiskey George’s stash again and playing with his tombola again as the 11 names don’t form any discernible team no matter how hard you try. Fucking Cedric has been picked, despite being a fucking wanker. My best guess is .... It looks like Djenepo is playing at left-wing back because Hojbjerg is not even in the 18, presumably injured. The players line up and what the fuck? Armstrong is at right-wing back (where he has presumably never played in his life) with Harry fucking Styles on the left. JWP is captain for the day and he’s in the middle with Oriol and upfront we have Ings, supported by Redmond and Djenepo. Bits of this line-up look promising but other bits look tragic.

Free Scarf - Fuck Off!

So, with a fast start needed, four minutes, 1-0 down. Everton win a corner and when it comes from our left, a flick on and there is Tom Davies all on his own at the back post to nod it past McCarthy for the simplest fucking goal you could ever score in your life.

Having had all the confidence knocked out of us after four minutes, we then proceed to play walking football for the next 41 with a ball being passed about amongst our defenders, allowing Everton to get 11 players behind the ball and eventually either Stephens or Vestergaard had to attempt a ridiculous pass to a static player who invariably lost the ball. I don’t blame the defenders at all for this as both of them were clearly gesticulating to the players further up the pitch to actually fucking move. Djenepo showed the odd flash by drifting past a player but he was restricted by having that complete wanker Cedric playing behind him who was offering absolutely nothing either going forward or defensively. On the other side, Stuart Armstrong was trying his best and making a fairly good fist of playing at right back but there was no one to pass to further forward so it just became a case of when we would lose the ball.

Everton didn’t really do much for the rest of the half but they didn’t have to. Tosun put a relatively simple header over the bar and Davies tried to cross from the right wing which nearly caught McCarthy out, forcing him to backpedal and shove it over the bar. They look totally comfortable defensively and if they had needed to score a second they probably could’ve gone out through the gears and done so relatively easily. Theo Walcott displayed his entire career in a couple of seconds by bursting through two players with a superb turn of pace and then shanking the ball into row Z when he was trying to cross it. The only thing that would’ve summed him up better would’ve been if he’d collapsed in a heap on the ground after the said shank and had to go off injured.

Half-time and the fans let the players know what they thought of that horrible pile of shit that I have just witnessed. Something had to change and it did with the absolutely fucking horrendous Cedric being hauled off and Boufal coming on. This meant another spin of the left back tombola with Djenepo getting the job. The effect of having Boufal on the pitch was instant though.

First off we won a free-kick on the left hand side of the penalty area, JWP rolled it to Boufal on the edge of the box and he had a shot, on target and Pickford had to save it. It was simple enough and straight at him but it was a shot and it was on target and it sparked the fans into life with chants of “we’ve had a shot“.  Suddenly on the pitch, we have a player who wants the ball.

The next time we attack, it is Djenepo’s turn to take on Schneiderlin in the right back position and win a corner. JWP’s corner is clear now as far as Boufal on our right hand side and he is faced with Schneiderlin again. Boufal absolutely pisses past him at least as if he wasn’t there, knocks across the goal and there is Danny Ings to bundle it into the net from very close range.

So we’ve just equalised and we’re on the front foot but then some horrific defending by Bednarek presents Everton with another chance and Sigurdsson, who has not yet scored his traditional goal against us, forces McCarthy to turn his rising drive over the bar.  There was a hilarious bit of defending by Armstrong when he allowed a long throw from the left hand side to bounce in front of him and over his head and Holgate, who couldn’t have been expecting it, flicked his header over the bar.

We should have a penalty after that as Mina diverted his run to totally take out Djenepo whilst he was pretending to shield the ball. Anywhere else on the pitch then that’s a free-kick but not in the penalty area of course. Djenepo won another free-kick on the left hand side this time as Sidibe just takes him out and JWP whips it in the near top corner as usual but Pickford is alive to it and save is it relatively comfortably.

So on 75 minutes we are looking like we might nick it but then the most predictable thing ever as Iwobi put Sidibe away on the right hand side, behind Djenepo who has lost his positioning and his cross to the back post fines Richarlison in acres of space, not tracked by anybody and he just volleys it first time into the net. Bednarek is looking at Armstrong and Armstrong is looking around with the “I don’t know how the fuck to play at right wingback“ look on his face.

The final few minutes tick by with fuck all happening at the end of the pitch where it needs to happen and the final whistle goes and Everton have deservedly won. They weren’t much better than us but better than us they certainly were. More organised and more positive and more in control and sure of what they were supposed to be doing.

The first half was absolute wank.  Everton must have been expecting us to come flying out but conceding after three minutes with our usual set piece zonal marking bollocks, set the tone and from an attacking point of view (you know, actually trying to get the goal that we fucking needed), the rest of the first half was a joke. I would call it walking football but I’ve seen walking football played at a faster pace then we played at. There were many times when Stephens or Vestergaard had the ball and there was absolutely nothing moving in front of them. Everyone marked, everyone just walking about, no one looking to lose a marker or break into space. What the fuck have these guys been coached during the week? No one is even playing on the half turn, all just facing the guy with the ball. Eventually the central defenders have to try and pass the ball forward to a guy who immediately gets dispossessed because he’s got a player up his arse, sometimes two players up his arse and no one is moving off him so the first time layoff is out of the question. It is absolutely bollocks.

To be honest, the second half wasn’t much better. All we had was the individual brilliance of Boufal, who for 10 minutes looked like the best player on the planet and that is how we got our goal. All we’ve got to rely an is individual brilliance and therefore, we need to flood our side with as much potential for individual brilliance as we possibly can, especially on home games, so Boufal, Ings, Djenepo and Redmond (even though he was absolutely fucking shit today) need to start every game. We have no idea whatsoever how to attack teams when they are in their defensive formation and all a team has to do to really limit the danger is to not fuck about with the ball at the back which takes out the one thing that we are occasionally good at which is pressing from the front and winning the ball higher up. This lack of idea has to come down to Ralph and those two fucking ex-goalkeeper clowns that we have masquerading as first-team coaches. What do you do to earn your money during the week Kelvin and Dave?

Ralph threw us all another complete curveball today with Stuart Armstrong at right wing-back and Cedric on the left. In a week where Cedric has basically announced that he is leaving the club, why the fuck was he selected? Cedric gave a perfect example of not giving a fuck and doing as little as possible whilst trying not to look like he wasn’t doing as little as possible. Half arsed pressing in the Everton half getting nowhere near the player or the ball and then when it was inevitably played round him, he jogged back behind the play and just didn’t get involved at all. Useless fucking wanker. Had a bit of a renaissance and scored a goal at Fratton Park against a shit Pompey side so probably thinks he’s done enough now to catch the eye of some super club or another. Hopefully he fucks off out on loan again in January for another one of those ‘successful’ spells where the fans of the club he joins think he’s an absolute waste of fucking space. If you say you are leaving but that you’re going to give your all for the rest of the season then if you actually do that, most fans will say that’s fair enough as after all, it’s your career and you can do what you like with it. However, if the very next game you turn up and play like you really don’t give a shit and then any positivity towards you is going to be in very short supply.

Djenepo wasn’t great as cover for Cedric at left wing back (and why would he be because he’s a fucking winger after all), but he wasn’t as bad as our European champion And at least he fucking tried. Armstrong put in a decent shift over on the right hand side and proved to be better at it than JWP has ever proved to be even though he did get completely caught out, losing Richarlison for the second goal. Defensively, I thought Stephens and Vestergaard at least tried to do the right things and both tried to be positive within their own limitations. Bednarek had a complete shithouse of a game with every header disappearing off his head and going backwards. The midfield pairing of Romeu and JWP was as fucking grim as you’d expect it to be to be and up front, Redmond had probably his most anonymous game in the Saints shirt but Danny Ings again showed what a class act he is and deservedly picked up another goal. He is one of the few that I will miss when we inevitably find ourselves in the Championship next season.

Maybe I Should Just keep It Simple

It has reached the stage now where Ralph has to go back to basics and accept that the majority of these players are not capable of playing out of position and they are not capable of switching things around during a game. Pick a best 11 and stick to it as much as possible. It will probably not be good enough but at least the players will know exactly what they should be doing. Me personally, after what I have witnessed this season, I would go with Bertrand and Valery as the fullbacks, Stephens and either Danso or Bednarek at centre back. Hojbjerg and either Romeu or JWP in midfield, with Djenepo, Boufal and Redmond playing behind Ings. A lot of these players have major flaws in their game but they are what we have got.

I’m a big advocate of doing something different when things are going wrong but Ralph tries to do something different and odd every single game and I’m sure the players are sat in the changing room now, wondering what batshit mental approach he’s going to come up with next. He will be losing the players. When he read the team out for today, I guarantee that some of the others would have been shooting glances at Armstrong when he found out he was gonna be playing at right back and laughing to themselves. Just keep it simple. Full-back is a specialist position and you cannot think that just anyone can play there, be they a winger or an attacking midfield player. This is certainly the case with us with our centre backs being not the best.  Look at the second goal – Djenepo caught out by Iwobi’s pass to Sidibe and Armstrong losing his man on the other side.  Ralph is beginning to lose the fans now as well because up till now, most have been prepared to blame the shit players but with every mental team selection that goes by, more and more will be pointing the finger at the manager and you can’t really blame them.

Ralph will be hoping that the club find some money to buy some players in January but the way things are going, Ralph won’t be here in January and we will be so far behind anyway, that the club will be preparing financially for the Championship.

Everton aren’t even that good but they were fucking miles better than us. It’s amazing how good a team can look when they’re playing against a team who decides to play walking football for 45 minutes. They looked more like a team and they totally deserved their win. They won’t be going down but we will. As it stands, it will be us and Norwich fighting out the last place and one other who will go down. Mr Gao will soon enough realise that if you buy something and then don’t actually invest, The thing that you have bought will eventually grind to a halt or start going backwards and eventually, be worth a hell of a lot less money than you paid for it.,

As I write I’ve just watched Leicester dismantle Arsenal by 2-0. It was a really enjoyable game, watching the alleged big club getting battered by the smaller one. Leicester are the perfect example of a club of similar size to us, who at the moment are working with a perfect balance. They have balance on the pitch and off the pitch they are perfectly set up with a manager who is decent, knows his best team and players strengths and who has the full backing of the board who are not afraid to put their hands in their pockets. We on the other hand, are completely fucked from top to bottom.

Next up – international break – thank fuck.

Season Review 2018/2019 - The Shite Part

Give Me Time and I'll Be Just as Shite as You Were

AUGUST 2018

Southampton 0 Burnley 0

I’ve had enough, Hughes has had enough, fuck this.

And so the game ended in a draw. If I had been offered a 0-0 draw at the start the game then I wouldn’t have been particularly impressed with it but as it happens, it was actually quite good and a quite enjoyable game – well an enjoyable 2nd half anyway.

Charlie Austin was fucking terrible and barely moved. I would say that Hughes got the selection of Austin wrong because with both Cedric and Austin in the starting 11, that is two of your substitutions predetermined as neither were going to last 90 minutes.

SEPTEMBER 2018

Everton 2 Southampton 1

So – it looks like 4-4-2 with Stephens and Hoedt as the centre backs.  Oh sweet fucking Lord.

… another ‘soft as fuck’ goal at the other end.  Build up down our left, Coleman reverses the ball to Walcott who has not been tracked and he’s got all the time in the world to cross it and returning from last season we have the Stephens/Cedric Corridor of Uncertainty.  The cross sails over Stephens and Richarlison gets above Cedric and heads in easily.

Stephens and Hoedt proved last season that they are not good enough as a pair and you need a third centre back or else you’re going to be shit

Eventually, my money is on Hoedt and Stephens being back ups to Yoshida and Vestergaard and on Austin being the striker that we bring in when we need a goal with 20 to go. I also see the more reliable Hojbjerg coming into the team ahead of Lemina who once again was as flaky as you like.

Southampton 1 Leicester 2

Well fuck it. Another kick in the bollocks. It seems that any event, good or bad in the game just sees us go to shit. We score a goal, we panic and go to shit. We concede a goal, we then panic some more and go to shit some more. Someone gets sent off, we completely go to shit

Having played reasonably well in the first half, we finally took the lead the great strike from Ryan Bertrand then pissed it away within three minutes thanks to a horrific bit of defending by Cedric

Following Pierre’s red card for being a fucking dick (no more really needs to be said on that), we of course let in the tunnelball 94th minute winner.

Nathan Redmond had another very good game on the wing and seems to have rediscovered his love of running at players.

Crystal Palace 0 Southampton 2

Shane who misses it but the ball is misjudged by Kelly and Ings is in, toe poke, goal.  Get in.

Cedric down the wing and a deflected cross which Austin scuffs goalwards and Wan-Bissaka strangely sticks a hand out to stop a shot that was barely going to reach the goal.  Penalty.  Austin of course grabs the ball and dribbles a horrific piece of shit down the middle of the goal and Hennessey, despite diving, easily kicks it away.  Fucks sake.

I’ve no fucking idea what Hennessey was doing out there and Pierre rolled it past him from the edge of the box.  Get the fuck in!  We’re actually going to win.

Southampton 2 Brighton 2

It’s headed out to Hojbjerg who takes a touch and smashes it.  Remarkably, it absolutely arrows into the bottom corner with a little bit of late swing on it.  Brilliant strike.  

We can certainly have grievance with the referee and the more I see of Duffy’s fall in the box, the worse it gets – he’s a fucking cheat basically and Montoya’s fall for the free kick for the first goal is soft as well.

Ref aside, Saints only have themselves to blame yet again for not closing out the lead against a very average team. Yet again we proved that we can’t handle game changing incidents. After Ings scored his penalty, All we need to do was 10 minutes of controlled football but what do we do? Leave a 6 foot 5 centre half with a free header from 5 yards about 30 seconds after the restart.

Liverpool 3 Southampton 0

Well that was shit.  Exactly the same as last season where the game was over after 5 minutes and the rest of the game was damage limitation and a waste of everyone’s time and money.  Most Saints fans are realistic and know that we’re not going to go toe to toe with Liverpool at Anfield but we did nothing, turned up, lost, fucked off home.

I think Hughes got more or less everything wrong today.  The initial formation was wrong, the Targett on the wing thing was wrong, leaving Lemina on was wrong.  Having chosen to play 4 at the back, one of Hoedt or Vestergaard should have been left out for Bednarek or Yoshida.

Liverpool?  They’re a really good side and as long as van Dijk and their first choice strikers stay fit, the will run City very close this season.  They certainly won’t have an easier three points then they had today.

OCTOBER 2018

Wolves 2 Southampton 0

Lemina has had a good game and then he goes ‘Full Waster’.  He gets tackled and his boot comes off.  His boot is pink which is an issue but not the main issue here – it takes about 10 minutes for him to put the fucker back on.  Even an 8 year old can change a boot quicker than that.

1-0.  Fucking hell.  That’d be the 6^th preventable goal in a row that we’ve let in.

Our big finish to try and get a point involves standing off and letting Wolves pass the ball about.  It’s fucking criminal.

We actually won the midfield battle with Hojbjerg and Lemina (when he wasn’t doing up his fucking boots) having the better of Moutinho and Neves. How can you win the battle of the all-important midfield and still lose the fucking game 2-0?  

Charlie Austin wrote “fuck off” on his Facebook page

Southampton 0 Chelsea 3

At risk of sounding like Mike Bassett… fucking get into them.

Well the only surprise there is that Giroud didn’t score.

Comprehensively outplayed-check,

Goal from Hazard-check,

Gifted them at least 1 goal-check

Didn’t lay a glove on them in midfield-check,

Basically just turned up and lost-check,

Let in a goal in the last five minutes-check.

Totally predictable and so fucking boring.

I really want to know what the thinking was behind bringing on a striker who has two goals in 60 games when we need two goals with 20 minutes to go

Bournemouth 0 Southampton 0

Eddie Howe has settled for a draw and brings on Gosling in midfield and takes a striker off but then the key moment.  Redmond on the the right hand side pulls out one of the best crosses you could ever wish to see.  Over it comes, taking out the keeper who misses it and straight onto the head of Gabbiadini behind him.  All he has to do is cushion it into the empty net….  Onto the roof of the net.  Fuck.  

Southampton 0 Newcastle 0

Lemina wins the ball and feeds Gabbi who produces a superb turn and finds Cedric overlapping – a good pull back along the top of the box … Shane with a free shot from 15 yards, 25,000 people including other Saints players with head in hands.

It takes a turn for the farcical as Gabbiadini, with three options to pass to, tries a shot from Bitterne Park which flies into orbit.  Another 0-0.  Fuck sake.

A lot of Saints fans seem to have it in for JWP. If you can’t see that we looked much more likely to score in the 15 minutes that he was on that every other 75 then you really don’t know much about football and I question both your eyesight and your sanity. We have to find a place for him in the starting 11

There is no way that the board will be wanting to fire another manager and admitting that they have fucked up for the third time in a row - not yet anyway.  There is an apathy and disinterest in the fan base. Personally, I’m kind of in the ‘shrug your shoulders’ camp. I watch the games and they are in the main fucking boring with nothing to get you excited and I look at the clock sometimes and it says 35 minutes of gone and I can’t remember anything of note that happened in the previous 25 minutes. It’s like I’ve been asleep

NOVEMBER 2018

Manchester City 6 Southampton 1

Aguero picks it up, feeds David Silva who slots Sane in and his cross is smashed into the net by Wesley Hoedt and all the people who had Hoedt as ‘First Own Goal Scorer’ at odds of 1-50, celebrated wildly.  A bit unfortunate for him as he had to do something with Sterling right behind him but smashing it into the roof of your own net isn’t a great option.

And so much for that bollocks from the last two games about our improved defence. Two clean sheet against two teams that didn’t muster a single attack between them is not quite the same as Manchester City going in dry. Jack Hindenburg-Stephens not even getting off the ground and getting beaten in the air by Sane which lead directly to David Silva’s goal. There was some classic schoolboy from Cedric getting tackled whilst trying to shield the ball out of play. Not that we would’ve got anything out of the game but we had just scored and 3-1 down going into half time when he fucked that up

Earth Calling Planet Gao

“Where do we go from here? We probably won’t go down this year because there are 5 other teams who are as terrible as we are but it'll be this year or the next if nothing changes from the top.  As it stands, everything is screwed and the Southampton Way is dead.  Les and Ross need to go – that much is obvious.  We no longer attract the best untapped talent from abroad. We no longer promote youth players and give them a chance to prove that they can be a genuine Premier league performer.  There is no pathway.  We no longer are ahead of the game in any area and we no longer have an owner who gives a toss.”

https://leagueoneminus10.blogspot.com/2018/11/earth-calling-planet-gao-your-club-is.html

What!... that door over there?

No More No Les

“He had to go, he really did. It doesn’t matter how well anyone does in their first 5 1/2 years in any particular job - if you are underperforming/very poor for 2 1/2 successive years then you are really up against it. You could argue that it’s the players or its the managers or it’s any number of circumstances that have conspired but the fact of the matter is that Les Reed was the senior board member responsible for the football side of the club which is the core business. It is failing so he is failing and we have reached the point where under his stewardship, it was clearly not going to turn around.”

https://leagueoneminus10.blogspot.com/2018/11/no-more-no-les.html

Southampton 1 Watford 1

To make up for his incompetence, Hooper delivers an evening-up coup de grace as Redmond brilliantly bursts in between two Watford players on the right and picks out Austin with his low cross and the Fat Beered-Up Kebab Munching Pub Player somehow mis-hits it and sends it bobbling over Foster for 2-0… or so we thought.  Celebrations have happened, time has stood still, civilizations and empires have risen and fallen… and then it gets disallowed for an imagined offside.  Fuck off.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  Two wrongs make a shit referee

It breaks to left back Holebas who hits it and Cedric is being a wet-lettuce wanker, closing him down sort of, with his back turned and it flicks off him and past Macca for 1-1.

It was nice to see Charlie Austin and his interview on Match of the Day where he was basically having a bit of a rant about how we should have VAR to help the officials. I totally agree with everything he says and he has gone up a bit in my estimation but still not enough to make up for the fact that he still looks completely unfit. Whoever said the interview to the tune of Parklife deserves a medal as well.

Fulham 3 Southampton 2

They work it out left to the full back and Cedric is ballwatching from the middle and Le Marchon’s stands up a cross and there’s Mitrovic, stading in a circle of 5 Southampton defenders, like some sort of training drill.  He jabs his head at the ball and the Southampton 5, who are all 4 defenders and Lemina, admire it as the ball goes past McCarthy.  Fucking useless sacks of shite

Wesley will surely just smash this up the park… nope.  Wesley will surely smash it off Schurrle and win a throw… nope.  Wesley will surely not fuck about and give the ball away…. Yes he fucking will.  Fulham work it into a crossing position, over it comes, Dwarf Sessegnon beats Yoshida in the air and flicks it on to Mitrovic, unmarked, goal. F.U.C.K.!!!

Time for a substitution and time to play with 11 and off goes Charlie the Hologram

So, we’ve just lost to one of the worst teams in the Premier League so what the hell does that make us?  Today is the day where the tide turned for me. Hughes, like Puel and Pellegrino seem absolutely incapable of getting a tune of these players and that’s his job.

DECEMBER 2018

Southampton 2 Manchester United 2

Ok, we’ve tossed away a lead again but we’ve actually played quite well.  For once we have some proper positives to talk about. In the main the performance was very very good, just that five minutes spell where we appeared terrified to out a challenge in at the back. The formation worked, the midfield three were absolutely excellent, Redmond behind the striker but very very dangerous and much more effective than when he plays out wide.  He just need a goal and the boy will be flying.

The highlight of Valery’s performance for me was when Paul Pogba, who, lest we forget, is a World Cup winner for Yan’s native country France, a £90 million superstar player that’s at one of the biggest clubs in the world, tried to intimidate him. Yan took no shit whatsoever when Pogba tried to hold him at a throw-in and Yan basically just threw him away. What’s “get out of my fucking face” in French? Brilliant stuff.

Spark Out

“So farewell to Mark Hughes. His managerial career was somewhat similar to his playing career at Saints. He joined late in his career and there was the odd moment where it looked like it was going to work out but ultimately it will be regarded as a bit of a failure with him leaving with the lowest win percentage of any manager we’ve ever had”

“So who’s next. As revealed by club pet national journalist Jeremy Wilson, the name in the frame is Ralph Hasenhüttl who was manager of RB Leipzig last season.   In his last two seasons he has taken them to 2nd and 6th in the Bundesliga.  He has the reputation in the media of being the “Austrian Klopp” (cringe) and whilst we all admire the Klopp style of football, if Hasenhüttl joins us, we can only hope that he is not a monumental bell-end like the Liverpool manager.”

https://leagueoneminus10.blogspot.com/2018/12/spark-out-follow-me-lads.html

Premier League Match 38 - Southampton 1 Huddersfield 1

 

Take the Gunn, Shoot Yourself in the Foot

And so the season comes to an end with The visit of Huddersfield town to St Mary‘s. Congratulations to Huddersfield who have managed to avoid being the worst team in Premier League history but with just the three wins all season... only just. It should be a bit of a party today and it would be good to send the fans home feeling good about everything with a nice win to round off the season.

I don’t think this game has anything riding on it at all, not even position related prize-money. We are two points behind Burnley and they are at home to Arsenal who have just qualified for the Europa league final. I would be amazed if Burnley don’t win that game. Brighton are two points behind us and they are not getting three points at home to Manchester City as long as I have a hole in my arse. That’ll be the first result I look for after our game has finished to ensure that Manchester City and not the Red Scouse bastards have won the Premier League.

People have desperately been trying to make the Champions League semi-finals in some way connected with Southampton as a number of our former players were playing. They are fucking dead to me once they leave and I really don’t care about how well they do with their current clubs. That said, the only thing I have against Tottenham from a Saints perspective is that they sing “oh when the Spurs go marching in“. Other than that, the last shit house thing between us and them was the Toby Alderweireld transfer which was four years ago now. The list of things I don’t like about Liverpool is huge and I have been very vocal about that on a number of occasions so I will be a Spurs fan come Champions League final night.

There was some sad news on Saturday in that John Gittins has passed away at the age of 55. He was twice a Southampton player and was capable of very good performances at top league level. He was never really a first-team regular in either spell with the club but he had a good career and 55 is far too young. Rest in peace big man and thoughts with his family.

Ralph is not really giving much away regarding what sort of team we are going to put out but Charlie Austin has been somewhat cryptic on social media suggesting that out of adversity comes great opportunity. I’m sure that someone had to spell those long words out for him. Maybe he’s playing against Huddersfield who he has some sort of grudge against which I believe stems from his Burnley days or maybe he has found a new club to play for next season. Maybe both are true.

The team is pretty much the usual with the 4222 formation being present again. Long and Ings upfront with Redders and JWP wide. With the Under 23s having a play-off final on Monday, there is no room on the bench for any youngsters apart from Alfie Jones who I’m not sure is even eligible for the under 23’s anymore. After his performance last week, Elyounoussi hasn’t even made the bench which kind of tells you all you need to know I think.

Saints have the first kind of half chance as Ings lobs a ball forward and debutant keeper Coleman comes out of the edge of the box and makes a fuck-up of it. Shane has to turn and chip towards the empty goal but it’s never going in and drops a long way wide.

Saints have another chance to practice defending when we lose the ball on the edge of the opposition penalty area but even Huddersfield manage to play all the way through us up the left wing, back across to the right and Aaron Moot, their best player, cuts in and with his left foot, curls it narrowly over the bar. Gunn wasn’t getting anywhere near that if it been on target.

Ings is working hard to win the ball back in the Huddersfield half but when he gets sight of goal it all looks a little rushed and he drags one wide of the far post from 25 yards. His partner upfront has reverted to being the usual Shane Long instead of the impostor who has been playing the last few weeks and I can do nothing but laugh when he tries to control the ball on the left wing and it simply bounces off his shin and out of play.

Ralph is pacing about not looking remotely happy with what he sees on the pitch but he cheered up a minute later as Ings picked up the ball in midfield and drove forward before feeding it to Redmond out on the left. The newly crowned double player of the season cuts inside one man, cuts inside another and with no third Huddersfield defender coming to close him down, he smashes it over Coleman and ripping into the top of the net. Fucking brilliant goal. Not only is he our player of the season but he has been the best player today by an absolute mile.

Half time and Ralph has obviously had enough of the old Shane Long and he is replaced with Matty Targett who has been pushed up onto the left wing with Redmond going central. Targett is involved straightaway, finding Ings who tees up JWP and from 25 yards he pings in another superb effort which Coleman gets fingertips to and it rattles off the bar. Get another goal and this lot are toast.

And then we added another chapter to the “Goals that we managed to throw the opposition when under no pressure whatsoever“ file. Gunn takes a goal-kick to Bertrand who plays it back to him and Gunn seems to be totally unaware of Pritchard closing him down, takes a horrific touch, Pritchard nicks it off him and passes it into the net. For fuck‘s sake.

There is still half an hour to go but you know that the game is going to completely change now. There is a brief flicker as Targett megs a defender and puts over a dangerous cross which is cleared and there is another chance for Ings as Valery over hits a ball down the right wing, Redmond somehow gets over a superb cross on the volley and Ings header hits a defender and squirts wide. He is having no luck at all.

With Ings unable to buy a goal, it’s time for what will hopefully be Charlie Austin‘s farewell appearance. He has had his hair dyed blonde. Well we all know that Charlie does love a trip to the hairdressers. We have a go at letting in another goal from a corner as our half zonal half man marking shambles leaves Schindler with a free header at the back post which he bounces down and over the bar.

We are then treated to the worlds slowest pitch invasion by one fat bastard who looked a bit like an overweight extra from Shaun of the Dead, such was his waddling presence. None of the stewards were going to make a tit of themselves by trying to catch him so they kind of walked alongside him until he walked into the goal, at which point the fat fuck didn’t really know what to do. What the situation needed was some big meathead Steward to absolutely poleaxed the guy with a rugby tackle.

Sims comes on for Romeu as Ralph at least tries to win the game and the final chance to do so falls to Austin after more good work from Redmond but the blonde haired fat lazy lager boy kebab boy curls a shot narrowly wide of the far post.

It was quite nice that aside from the aforementioned fat pillock, no one ran on the pitch at the end of the game including Charlie Austin who hadn’t ran on the pitch in the 20 minutes he was on. The lap of appreciation was done with baby McCarthy being the star of the show And the players and staff disappeared off down the tunnel to begin their well-deserved summer breaks.

Today’s game was mainly dreadful. It only really came to life whenever Nathan Redmond got the ball and he thoroughly deserved the brilliant goal that he scored. The second half started reasonably well and we looks like we were going to canter to a 1-0 or 2-0 win. Not long after JWP hit the bar and we looked in control, then Angus Gunn did that. It’s another example of this Southampton side being able to virtually throw a goal in our own net at any point from any position on the pitch. It brings back into focus our goalkeeping situation. Personally, I think Alex McCarthy is the most reliable of the three and didn’t do very much wrong before he got dropped. Gunn, putting today’s aberration aside for a second, doesn’t quite have the presence yet and Fraser Forster’s form has gone off a cliff of course in the past two years.

Letting in shit goals like that when you have been under no pressure at all, tends to kill momentum, A bit like all the air leaving your body in one go. The last half hour was just played out at walking pace which made it ideal for Charlie Austin to come on as a substitute but even that pace was too much for him.

Elsewhere, we had the return of the normal Shane Long it was dreadful for 45 minutes before being substituted and it really look like to me for the rest of the players were desperately trying to get a goal for Danny Ings and whilst I thought things had a good game today, he never looked confident in front of goal and always seem to take an extra touch and lose the ball when the chance presented itself.

I know that 4-2-2-2 is Ralph’s preferred formation but it doesn’t work with the players that we have got at the moment. It certainly doesn’t suit JWP and what seems to happen is that the midfield two get over run which in turn means there is very little protection for the two central defenders, one of whom is of course Jack Stephens at the moment.

Anyway. The good news is that I am sure the opening game of next season will see quite a few changes in personnel. Bring it on.

Elsewhere in the country, the good news is that Liverpool didn’t win the fucking league. They have been dubbed the greatest runners-up of all time and... get in the fucking sea. They are not the greatest anything as they have come second which the last time I checked, does not make you the greatest. Virgil, Sadio, Adam and Dejan have still won just as many trophies as they would have won if they had stayed at Southampton. All we need is a really good performance from Spurs in a couple of weeks and that can continue.

In the race for 15th, we came 16th which is slightly annoying because Burnley did in fact lose to Arsenal and we would have won the race for 15th if we had beaten Huddersfield today. Personally, I wasn’t remotely surprised by the lacklustre performance and we just have to be grateful that we are starting next season in the Premier League and not in the Championship with Huddersfield.

The fact that we are not in the championship is down to Ralph Hasenhuttl and the improved form of the players that he has brought about. I can’t wait to see the current and new players after a full pre-season with the big man in charge. We have every reason to be positive. If we get it right over the summer and it should be a good season next year and I for one can’t wait to see how Ralph develops this team. Until next season…

PS... on Monday night I went along to St Mary‘s to watch the Under 23s in their play-off final against Newcastle, which ended in a hard earned 2-1 win. Over the 95 minutes we did deserve it but you could see the influence of the first team in the last 20 minutes as we did our very best to give away the two-nil lead that we had established. To be honest, not many of the players looked ready for regular first-team action. Alfie Jones stood out in defence, Callum Slattery and Tom O’Connor in midfield and Dan N’Lundulu looked a handful upfront but he was blowing out of his arse after 45 minutes. It was all about winning now and win they did so they are now in division one of the under 23 section next year which is good for the club and good for the individual players who will now be tested against better players of course.

The future is bright....

Premier League Match 37 - West Ham 3 Southampton 0

You Can't Really Be 'On the Beach' in Southampton

Hasn’t it been nice with the pressure off this week? Today we are off to West Ham to play at their Virtually Free Gift by the Taxpayer and Boris Johnson Athletics Stadium. I’m glad we don’t need anything from this game as it is now a tough place to go. West Ham are a very good side on their day and they certainly were when they stuffed us at St Mary‘s earlier on in the season and more recently,  when they became the first team to win at Tottenham‘s new ground which Tottenham have paid for. Yes it still annoys me that such sporting advantage can be given to a team based purely on geography.

The protests from the West Ham fans about the loss of Upton Park don’t seem to be so loud this season. Maybe that’s because another year has passed or maybe it’s because they are starting to see the benefits of the move with some investment in some very good players. Felipe Anderson tore us a new one at St Mary‘s earlier on in the season. They have good manager in Manuel Pellegrini who is moulding the squad into one but should have a very good season next year when you assume, they will invest more. They have some twats in their squad like Robert Snodgrarse and Jack Wilshere and I think I still have Andy fucking Carroll even though he is out of contract at the end of the season so don’t be surprised next year when he turns up at another club (probably Burnley because he’s tall enough) and scores against Southampton every time he plays against us.

From Ralph’s press conference this week it became apparent that today we are going to see some fringe players with Fraser Forster expected to play. I’m expecting to see the likes of Mario Lemina and maybe even Charlie Austin will get a game against the team whose owners once lied about him having no ligaments in his knee is as excuse for not signing him.

The other focus this week has been on Francis Benali as he attempted a quite frankly mind blowing seven iron man’s in seven days for Cancer Research. As I write, he has just been pulled from the sixth day during the swimming section and been told to stop for health reasons. Whilst this is a shame, there is absolutely no shame from doing four ironmans in four days and I reckon he’ll do 5 in 7 by the end of the week.  Even if he never runs another step in the name of charity, he is still done a ridiculous amount and everybody, not just those with a Southampton affiliation, can be proud of what he has achieved and paraphrase Bob Geldof, if you haven’t done so already, put some money in the fucking tin on www.ironfran.co.uk

To today and team news and that deflating feeling.  Forster in goal, same back 4 as last week which was a disaster, Elyounoussi in the team, Redmond and JWP rested.  This will be interesting.

We actually start quite well and fashion a decent opening on the break but Elyounoussi has a go at butchering it with a pass to Ings with not enough pace on it. Ings manages to recycle and play it out to Armstrong and Armstrong, in true ‘Southampton Final Ball Decision Making Standard’ kind of aimlessly lashes it over the bar instead of trying to pick someone out.

It’s all going ok and under control until Valery gets forced across the pitch and pisses around and gives the ball away Noble.  Noble just plays it to Arnautovic who isn’t marked and he scores really easily giving Forster no chance at all. It’s fucking garbage of the highest order and once again our scrambled defending is appalling with one centre back playing offside, one running like a headless chicken and no one marking the one player they need to mark.

The rest of the first half is absolute crap with Saints basically allowing West Ham to have the ball and not create anything. Elyounoussi does have a shot when he chips the ball over defender and tries a speculative volley but there is no conviction behind it and it flies wide comfortably.  Mark Noble is playing the game in a fucking deckchair as Hojbjerg looks knackered and Lemina is nowhere.

Second-half and Redmond on for Ings and the change is instant. We start well win a corner, Bertrand whips it in and Stephens shows that his mastery of heading covers both ends of the pitch and completely misses the header.  However, Redmond gets a shot in which is blocked wide for another corner. It’s as close as we’ve got. Redmond has another shot blocked for a corner and from it, the ball is flicked on and Redmond actually gets a shot on target which Fabianski tips over the bar.

There is a glorious chance to equalise as Long bus into the penalty area and you’d Think that the Feckin’ Goal Machine with four goals in five would just hit it but for some reason he takes an extra touch, Fredericks comes in and Long attempts a pretty crappy dive to win a penalty. I’m really not sure what to make of this. Either he played for a penalty which is fucking ridiculous considering he had the opportunity to shoot or the old Shane has returned, the one who has absolutely no footballing ability at all and he almost accidentally took an extra touch and the touch was incredibly heavy.

JWP is on for Armstrong but West Ham step it up. Masuako goes down the left wing and fizzes it across, Fraser can’t hold it and the ball bobbles up in the air off of Arnautovic and the Austrian nods it into an empty net.  It might of hit him on the arm but he didn’t know anything about it so fair enough.  Game over probably.

Two minutes later and Jack Stephens is doing his impression of an Ice-skating giraffe with his balance all in the wrong place trying to get a tackle in and he totally fails to get a touch on the ball and Ryan Fredericks shoots past Forster to make it 3-0. Embarrassing defending which unavoidably reminds me of Wesley Hoedt at his worst.  Hoedt must have been a complete dick for us get him out of the door, meaning Stephens gets a chance of being in the first team.

We are now looking like we’re going to get dicked about 5-0 now so Ralph decides to bring on another proper player to shore things up to make sure we don’t get fucking battered, with Romeu replacing Lemina who I haven’t mentioned so far and there’s a good reason for that.

Romeu immediately gets booked basically for being Romeu when he wins a tackle as clearly as you could possibly win it but we have Stuart Atwell refereeing, last seen given the most blatant biased one eyed performance in our game away at Old Trafford and he decides that this perfectly hard but fair tackle warrants a yellow card.

Arnautovic has a glorious chance for a hat-trick when he is totally unhindered by any defenders and he curls one just one of the far post.  All over and thank God for that.

Well that was pretty shit and almost as pointless as the Tottenham away game when Ralph had just been appointed after Hughes had been sacked. It was always going to be a difficult day and about and you can’t underestimate just how off the pace we were compared to what we have been recently. Part that was down to personnel but most of it was down to mindset. In the first half in particular, without the ball we were fucking dreadful, allowing West Ham stick to just stroll around and pick passes where they wanted. Mark Noble it’s getting on a bit now and he’s always been a good player but we made him look like peak Steven Gerrard with the amount of space that we gave him. The second half was better with the introduction of Nathan Redmond, until we coughed up the second goal and from that moment on it was all over.

Ralph billed this as a match where if you had something to prove, you would have an opportunity to do so and it was interesting from that point of you. I would’ve suspected before the game that Elyounoussi and Forster will be playing for some sort of future at Southampton, whereas Lemina will be playing in order to get away. Oddly enough, out of the three of them, I thought Fraser probably put up the best display. Bearing in mind that he hasn’t played for nearly a year and a half, he didn’t look too bad and on a couple of occasions, going well off his line to collect a high ball which was always a weakness. He did however make a bit of a bollocks of the second goal even though it was fizzed across, taking his eye off the low cross and pushing it out rather than holding it. Elyouboussi just proved what I suspected already, that we have purchased a £16 million turd. Mitigating factors are of course that he hasn’t played very much recently but he once again showed absolutely nothing whatsoever. I’ve unearthed a transcript of the meeting from when Les Reed went to Switzerland to buy him.

(Les enters the room)
Les: How much do you want for him?
Basel: We value the player at between six and eight million
Les: We’ll give you 16 million and not a penny more
Basel: Done. Pleasure doing business with you.
(Les leaves the room)
(Basel representatives piss themselves laughing and have a night on the town with copious amounts of drink, drugs and prostitutes)

My money is on him ending up back at Basel next season on loan and us continuing to pay a sizeable chunk of the ridiculous wages we are now paying him.

Mario Lemina. What can be said that has been said already about our Rock Star Instagram model. He did look very sharp in his suit before the game but when the game started, so did the problems. Let’s just say that Mark Noble ran the game and he was in direct competition with Mario. There was the odd flash of brilliance when he got into one-on-one situation with another player and it gave him the chance to show off his strength and close control but the overall contribution was negligible.  For me, it was really telling them when Ralph wanted to tighten things up and make sure that we didn’t get absolutely battered after it had gone to 3-0, he took Leminna off, rather than Hojbjerg who is in much more need of a rest. Because of the fact that we were safe, it was always going to be a game where attitude was very very important and therefore it was absolutely no surprise to me anyway so Mario just drifted through the game, looking like it couldn’t have mattered less if he tried. If he was as good as he thinks he is, he would have been running that game from the centre midfield but instead, he let Mark Noble do it.  List our players in order of ability and Mario would be in the top 3 – list them in order of effectiveness and he’d be near the bottom.

The back four was the calamity that it was against Bournemouth last week which was absolutely no surprise. Maybe it was the last chance saloon for Jack Stephens and there were absolutely no surprises there either. The first goal was a horrendous give away from Yan Valery, similar to Stuart Armstrong’s one last week and similarities didn’t in there. As the opposition broke our defence was shambolic with Bednarek trying to play Arnautovic offside but Stephens steaming past him making that ploy absolutely useless and not one marked the one player which made the goal really really easy to score. The second goal had an element of misfortune about it but at the end of the day Fraser should’ve held the cross and the third goal was more ridiculous marking of space without getting close to any of the players, Stephens again being the worst culprit.

It was a tough day for Ralph. On the one hand he has a duty to the travelling supporters but on the other hand he has a duty to think about the long-term. For what it’s worth, I agreed with his broad idea of playing a few of the fringe players today but it didn’t work out. As I said at the start, partly down to personal and partly down to the players selected. He made a point afterwards it was a huge effort to get us safe and there was a bit of a come down from finally being over the line. Personally, I don’t think it’s so surprising.

Next week however, we have Huddersfield at home and they are fucking shit so there is absolutely no excuse, no matter who is picked, for us not to go out and put on a bit of a show and send everybody off into the summer with a spring in the step before the incomings and outgoings start.

It's Speculation Time

20 Goal-a-Season Striker Found

It’s started already and the season hasn’t even ended… the media are making stuff up… the agents are getting busy and everyone is ignoring facts or not doing any research into the facts.  So this is a look at the make up of Saints squad and my opinion on who might or might not be here next season.  First up – the facts.

Fact 1 is that Ralph has said he likes to work with a smaller rather than larger group of players so that basically rules out signing an additional five or six, especially in view of …

Fact 2, which is that we already have too many senior pros, a result of questionable recruitment and questionable contract extensions handed out.  

Fact 3 is that Ralph has also indicated that he would rather sign younger players so anyone who is over the age of about 27/28 is unlikely going to be considered.  

Fact 4 is that with his style of play, Ralph has indicated a preference for players with pace so I can’t see us signing any players who are not quick, regardless of their position on the pitch.

Fact 5 is that he will also want to players who are in the main very fit, which they will have to be to fit into the style of play that Ralph wants to impose on the team so that rules out your injury prone players.

Fact 6 is that we will only spend what we bring in.  I kind of hope it’s not a fact and the board were just managing expectations but I kind of suspect it is a fact.

Fact 7 is realism.  You cannot just bin players who are not good enough who have 4 years left on their contract for example.  It will cost money to either pay up contracts or you end up paying wages for the duration of the contract remaining.

If the media did any homework they could narrow it down to three simple categories before they publish their ‘Southampton show interest in…’ bullshit.  These three categories are Age, Pace and Fitness.  The first name the media will therefore come up with is Theo Walcott who can run like the wind (Tick the quick box) for about 10 seconds before being injured for four months (cross in the fitness box) as he approaches his 31st birthday (cross in the age box). He is a former Southampton player from 15 years ago though so of course in the eyes of the media, that trumps any sort of commonsense criteria that we may have.

So, the likes of Walcott can be ruled out on the grounds of age and fitness, Scott Arfield can be ruled out on grounds of age and probably pace and players that we have been linked to in the past like Gary Cahill are complete nonstarter.  This is before we even start talking about wages for Top 6 club cast-offs if that is in fact where the player is.  We haven’t been linked with Adam Lallana, but if we were – no pace, no fitness, too old.

Some of the players we currently have like Danny Ings would fail on one of the categories but we of course can’t apply the categories to all of the players we already have as we’d probably have none left.  This is about recruitment though and in my opinion, what we need is actually two or three quality players and not the spray recruitment and changing of five or six.  Evolution not revolution.  So this is my best guess as to how the summer will go.

We have the problem of the dead wood to sort out and getting clubs to take players that we have under contract who are all getting paid too much. I can imagine that Ralph will be fairly blunt with these players and tell them that they are not going to play like he did with Wesley Hoedt. This bluntness will help but we will undoubtedly be left with one or two who are quite happy to sit on their fat contracts and do nothing. To my mind we will probably look to clear out the following list of players for differing reasons and if we do, hopefully get the indicated amount of money for them....

Alex McCarthy - £10m
Cedric Soares - £5m
Wesley Hoedt - £6m
Jack Stephens - £4m
Harrison Reed - £2m
Sam McQueen - £1m
Mario Lemina - £15m
Guido Carrillo - £8m
Mohammed Elyounoussi - £8m (maybe we have a receipt and he’s still in guarantee)
Sam Gallagher - £6m
Jordy Clasie - £2m

Charlie Austin - £500k loan fee (minus golden handshake of an 8 pack of lager and a Doner Kebab)

The goalkeeper situation is quite interesting. One thing for certain is that Angus Gunn will be the number one goalkeeper going forward next season. Current number two is Alex McCarthy who is clearly too good to be a number two goalkeeper. Also, he is worth a few quid and there will be a team that will take him. Bournemouth for example are going to be in the market for a first choice keeper. The reason we’d sell Alex is because of the elephant in the room that is Fraser Forster, one of our highest earning players and currently third choice. I can see a situation where we sell McCarthy and use Forster as our second choice (which would be fine) which at least means we are getting some return for the huge outlay every month. In a perfect world, a team would come in for Forster but with his wages I just cannot see it. 

At right back, Yan Valery is first choice and in all likelihood will continue to be so next season. When at Leipzig, Ralph liked to rotate the full-backs though so wouldn’t surprise me if another one he’s brought in as Kayne Ramsay doesn’t really look ready to challenge for a regular first team sport as yet. We do of course have Cedric who I think will be punted out the door to whoever it prepared to give us any more than £5 million quid for him. Hopefully they’ll read the label that says Euro 2016 winner.  Left back will be Ryan Bertrand and we have Matt Targett as a back up. Nothing to see here unless Targett decides that he wants to move to get some regular first-team football.  Sam McQueen I think will be gone, unless the serious injury he has means he is given another season.

At centre back we have the three regulars who are Jan Bednarek, Jannik Vestergaard and Maya Yoshida and I feel that all three of these will be around next season. I’m really not sure about Calamity Jack Stephens as one of our priority recruiting areas has to be at centre back and I can’t see Ralph wanting to have five first-team centre backs in the squad especially if he wants to move more towards playing a 4-2-2-2 formation. We will of course get Wesley Hoedt back because having seen him play, Celta Vigo won’t want him. He does look the sort of player that would fit into that free-flowing Ajax side, ha ha ha! Even if we take a huge loss and can get £5 million for him, then we have to take it to get him off the books.  When he goes, we must all ‘like’ it on every social media platform.

I can’t see a strengthening in midfield with the first choice three of Oriol Romeu, Pierre Hojbjerg and James Ward Prowse will very much be around next season. I would not be remotely surprised if Mario Lemina goes and not because he isn’t good enough. Let’s face it, he doesn’t want to be here and he never really has and as soon as it gets difficult he’s always just disappeared. A brief renaissance at the start of the season just gone under Mark Hughes but it was really weird how a relatively minor sounding injury turned into six months without playing. The money will come in handy as well.  Lemina may want a season under Ralph to try and realise his potential in the English game and if he does then great.  I just wouldn’t be surprised if he has his eyes on the exit door.  I believe we have finally reached the final year of the contract of the lightweight nonentity Jordy Clasie so he’ll be off, cut price to Feyenoord no doubt and it is time for Harrison Reed to move on - a decent player but not good enough for where we are hoping to get to.

On the wings we will of course have Nathan Redmond, Stuart Armstrong and Josh Sims in the squad next year. I’m sure we will be getting rid of one of Mohammad Elyounoussi or Sofiane Boufal.  Boufal would fetch more money but he’s the one who has shown the most out of the two.  Personally, I hope it’s Elyounoussi who goes because he has not shown anything that suggests that he is going to be a decent player in this league. No pace, trickery, shooting, work rate, fitness. None of it. At least with Boufal you know he’s got it in the locker. The decision making is not the best at times but at least there is something to work with and maybe he’s another Ralph can get more out of. At risk of sounding like Claude Puel, I’m not expecting much but I am quite intrigued by the possibilities.

The strikers is next year will be Danny Ings with back up provided by Shane Long and Michael Obafemi if he can stay fit for longer than 5 minutes. A few months ago, the last thing I would have ever wanted was for Shane Long to still be here next season but he will be because of his pace and aggressive running.  He’s never going to be the best but he fits the profile of the striker the Ralph wants in his teams. Charlie Austin does not of course and he will want to pick up the last years money on his contract so I can see him either hanging around and being an unused substitute or going on loan to a Championship club and trying to earn himself a contract for the following season.  I can’t see us getting rid of both Long and Austin as that would mean needing to sign two replacements and we won’t have the money to do that.

Sam Gallagher has made a few appearances this season but I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes, probably to a Championship club where he has proved his worth before. He strikes me as a player that takes just a little bit too long to do whatever it is he’s trying to do and I can’t see him getting a huge run of games in the team in order to improve. There were rumours that someone offered a £7 million for him last year and I think if we can get anywhere near that, then it’s a deal worth making.  Good for the club and the player.  

Ralph may think that Guido Carrillo is the 20 goal striker we need - stranger things have happened….  I can’t think of any off the top of my head so I would imagine we will be looking to recoup about half the money that we paid for him and flogging to someone in Spain or France. We’ll be paying half his wages at least, wherever he goes.  Striker is of course a position where we need to recruit a quality player which won’t be easy because every team in the country wants a striker who can score 20 goals a season.

So, my shopping list is a first choice centre back and a first choice striker, followed by a right back if Cedric goes and a winger if Boufal goes.  Hopefully, the hierarchy restructure won’t get in the way at all and we for once, can do the business early.  Being safe two weeks early certainly helps and you just know that Ralph will be pushing to get things done.  It promises to be an exciting time.

Premier League Match 36 - Southampton 3 Bournemouth 3

Watch Us Go Next Year Gary

At the start of the season when the fixtures were announced, I can guarantee that no one searched out the date that we were going to be playing Bournemouth at home and put a big red cross on the calendar. Also, no one at the FA or the police decreed that this game is going to have to be played at 11am on a Sunday to cut down on rival firms drinking time before the game. No one at Sky Sports looked and said “we have to put this blood curdling grudge match in our schedules”. That’s all you need to know really, Southampton versus Bournemouth at 3pm on a Saturday.

There might be a bit more on it if both teams had something to play for. Saints have still to make mathematically certain staying up for next season but Bournemouth are there already and in truth, have been there for quite a while. This amounts to another good season for Bournemouth who have comfortably managed to stay in the Premier League whilst other clubs of similar size have fallen away and been relegated. Once again I find myself impressed by the work that Eddie Howe has done but because they haven’t really improved from last season, his stock seems to be a little bit lower than it was this time last year when there was talk about him being a potential new manager for one of the really big clubs. They have in truth been pretty dreadful since Christmas as this season has followed the same pattern as last and that they were virtually safe by Christmas and then it looked for a while like they might make a late bid for relegation but they managed to win again to keep their heads above water.

Their seasonis summed up in their last two results where they thumped Brighton 5-0 away from home before the following week, losing at home to an abysmal Fulham side who have been mathematically relegated for about a month. I’m beginning to wonder if a manager can just go stale club if he’s there for too long, especially when he has taken them as far as he possibly can. The question for the Bournemouth hierarchy is could they get anyone better equipped to deal with the circumstances at The Vitality and the question for Eddie is whether or not he’s going to be happy just trying to achieve the same thing season and season with no real prospect of improvement.

On the pitch, they do undoubtably have some very good players with Nathan Ake, Ryan Fraser, Callum Wilson, David Brooks and Josh King being the best of them.  Wilson has made the last few England squads which will undoubtedly mean that other clubs come sniffing in the summer (trust us, we know how this one works) and Ryan Fraser has already been making noises about moving on. So, it’s a big summer for The Cherries but for now, summer doesn’t matter but hopefully after today, Saints can concentrate on the summer and the joy of relatively stress-free last few games.

Team news and oh shit, Maya Yoshida is missing and Vestergaard is not back so Ralph is kind of forced into playing a flat back four which includes Jack Stephens. This kind of has disaster written all over it but hopefully we can do enough going forward. High scoring game in prospect I feel. I think this is the first time that Danny Ings and Shane long have both started.

The Bournemouth line-up sees the return of Artur Boruc and Nathanial Clyne, To players who I have very fond memories of from their Southampton days.  Clyne joined Liverpool of course but without any of the shit or dick-headedness of Lovren, van Dijk and Lallana and was a very good player from us when we first landed back in the Premier League – not to be sniffed at allegedly.  Boruc was the first Premier League standard goalkeeper that we had and was largely excellent for the period that he was first choice. He was somewhat unfortunate to get bombed out when Fraser Forster signed. I’m sure there will be some twats giving them a hard time today but neither of them deserve it.

How are we go and straight onto the front foot and camping in the Bournemouth half.  The first real chance comes after a 15th minute corner which Bertrand swings in and Bednarek swings a leg at it and it is hacked away from just in front of the line by King. They haven’t got out of their half yet and we very nearly create another chance as Ings slightly over hits a clever through ball and Redmond can’t get there in time to lift it over Boruc. The Holy Goalie definitely seems to be carrying a bit more timber and he did back when he played for us but he was smartly off his line there.

Hojbjerg then floats a lovely ball over the defence to Redmond and he knocks it inside and there is the Feckin’ Goal Machine who drills it goalwards, watches it deflect off some half arsed attempt to block by Ake and nestle in the corner of the net. 1-0 and about time and the Shane has done it again.

Still all Saints straight after the goal and we lose the ball on the edge of their box, Bournemouth break, pass, pass, pass and Gosling scores, drilling it past Gunn from just inside the box. Fuck off. That is literally the first time they have got anywhere near our goal and I don’t think Angus gone has even touched the ball yet. Defensively we were all over the place. And to be fair to Bournemouth, they took the chance really well.  Gosling cups his ear to the Saints fans at the Chapel End.  Twat.

Howe knows he has completely got out of jail and hooks one of the centre backs and brings on Ryan Fraser, switching to their usual 4-4-2.  Regardless, we get back on the front foot and Shane finds another opening on the left and shoots, it’s half stopped by Boruc and then Shane manages to hit the near post with a shot into an open goal from 5 yards. Absolutely fucking ridiculous.

The tactical change that Howe has made has certainly made a huge difference and out of it, Bournemouth are now dominating the game with us struggling to get any sort of momentum. With our midfield not able to get anywhere near the ball. Oriol doesn’t get anywhere near the ball and launches Fraser up in the air. Fraser is on the ground for so long I actually think he might be dead for a second but he gets back up and is perfectly OK.  The healing properties of lying on the ground for a couple of minutes are quite remarkable, as is the fact that Oriol has been booked again.

With Saints on the ropes a bit, you need the players to go back to doing the basics, especially in defence. By this, I mean win headers and tackles and clear the ball properly so what does Jack Stephens do?  Firstly he allows hopeful punt forward to bounce and it kicked right up in the air allowing Willson to challenge him and win the ball and in the next phase of play he scuffed a clearance a whole 10 yards and Bournemouth eventually win the corner from which Brooks shoots from the edge of the box and it flies through a pack of bodies, Gunn saves but can’t hold it and Wilson taps into the net from 3 yards.  More goading of the ultras in the Chapel.  Twat.

Bournemouth spend the rest of the first half lying on the ground after any sort of challenge, be it a foul or not. Three minutes of added time at the end of the first half tells its own story but we can’t get on the front foot again and half time arrives.  

Ralph makes his own tactical change at half-time with Matty Targett coming on and Ryan Bertrand going to the left side of a defensive three. The man sacrificed is the walking yellow card that is Oriol Romeu.

David Brooks is a player who has had a very good season and he’s obviously a very good player but he is pathetic. He goes down after a nothing challenge on the halfway line. He is not injured and it’s not a foul but in time honoured Bournemouth tradition, he decides to lie on the ground and by the time he’s decided to get up again, with absolutely nothing wrong with him, the following is happened.

Saints pick it up and work it to JWP who is about 40 yards out.  A Purposeful run forward and he works it onto his left foot and drills it low and it’s wrong-footed the Pole in Goal and nestled in the corner.  Another one for the watching England manager and 2-2.  Get in.  There’s a little token protest from Bournemouth about Brooks being down whilst this was going on but not too much.  They know he was being pathetic.

Ings has a chance as JWP picks him out in the box, floating a superb ball over the defence but he tries a first time flick and Boruc saves.  Next time, in it comes from JWP and Ings chests down and battles two Bournemouth defenders and comes up with the ball.  Back to JWP and into the path of Valery who take son Ake for pace and brilliantly gets the cross in and there is Matt Targett of all people, at the back stick to head the ball powerfully across Boruc and into the far side of the goal.

Somewhat surprisingly, Ralph decides to put on Armstrong instead of Lemina to replace Ings and Armstrong’s first contribution is the dribble across the pitch and lose the ball to Lerma. The ball goes on to King and Armstrong tries to take him out but on goes King, finds Fraser on the left and his low cross is converted by Wilson from close range. For fucks sake, we can give a goal away from absolutely anywhere.

It’s the 88th minute and we really should be keeping things tight from here on in but Jack Stephens just got the ball. He walks into the centre circle and passes it straight to Bournemouth player. One pass later and Wilson is clean through on goal but luckily, he is not is deadly from further out than 5 yards and Gunn manages to block.

Austin comes on for Long and immediately seems to be on a one man mission to waste as much time as possible with the ball in the corner. I didn’t even consider that this must be something to do with Cardiff and their game. Someone behind me pipes up that Cardiff are losing so I guess that explains it. I’ll admit that I find it a little frustrating that we are playing like we were desperately hanging on for a point against Bournemouth at home but it doesn’t really matter a toss. I’m sure the Bournemouth ultras will be giving us loads about that but it is not really about you guys, it is about ensuring we got the point that we needed.

The final whistle goes and it is confirmed that Cardiff have lost the point that we got today means that we are mathematically certain to be staying in the Premier League for another season and Ralph Hasenhuttl has done the first part of the job he was brought in to do. Fair play to the man and what a difference he has made. We would have got relegated if we had persisted with Hughes or if we got the appointment wrong. The man has been brilliant not only for what is done on the pitch but for the unifying effect he has had amongst the fan base.

What a ridiculous game that was. Brilliant spells of play from us mixed in with utter garbage with horrific misses and appalling defending. We also had an opposition who only produced good play in flashes but every time they did, they scored. I would say that we were the better team for the first 20 minutes and the whole of the second half and they were the better team for the last 25 minutes of the first half yet we’ve ended up drawing. I would be absolutely spewing about two dropped points in normal circumstances but we have to see this game in the bigger context.

Let’s be honest, it was gonna be a bit of a shambles from the moment the team was announced. Jack Stephens once again proved that he’s just not good enough for Premier League level with the 20 minutes before half time being particularly diabolical clearances that went 10 yards, letting the ball bounce and generally defending like a 10-year-old in a game where everyone else is an adult. The second half was better with Bertrand moved to the left of the defensive three and the more solidity that gave and Targett’s introduction meant we were a lot better in the second half.  We should have won of course, especially after Targett put us 3-2 ahead but if you think that, you reckon without our ability to throw in a goal from virtually any situation and Armstrong was the fall guy, dribbling across the pitch, losing the ball and then failing to bring down the guy when he tried to make up for his error.

Going forward we were pretty good in the main though the ‘un-clinical-ness’ remains. Shane scored for the fourth time in five games and he also managed to come up with the miss of the century when he hit the post from 5 yards with an open goal. Redmond was unplayable at times but slightly wasteful but other times And it was good to see Danny Ings not only play reasonably well but last until nearly the 80th minute.

Ralph have a very good interview on match of the day in the evening we basically spoke about the job that needs doing over the summer. He said that the planning for next season can start tomorrow and from that, he clearly believes that he is going to be allowed to do this. We all know that there needs to be a clear out and we all know that that is going to cost money in itself in some cases. We clearly also need to back the man and get in the two or three quality players that we need to turn this side into a genuine top half team again.

That’s for another day though. For now, we have two relatively stress-free games to go, starting with West Ham away at the Virtually Free Athletics Stadium next week and ending with what should be a bit of a party at home to Huddersfield and I am particularly looking forward to that one.

It might feel strange to some to celebrate staying in the Premier League but this time, we got ourselves into such a hole that has become a remarkable achievement to be safe with two games to go. The main reason for this is that we can look forward to next season with some genuine excitement knowing that the form we have showed since Ralph came in would have us one place behind Manchester United if it was replicated over a whole season. Now, we can celebrate the fact that we will get to see whether Ralph and the squad can achieve this next season. Where’s my beer.