Euro 2012 Part 7 - Blatter's Head on a Platter

Same picture as 2 years ago Sepp.... it was further over the line than this.

18^th June 2012 – Group C

A tale of three of the best teams in the tournament and Ireland.  Italy play the Irish today and Spain face Croatia and all outcomes are possible aside from Ireland finishing anywhere other than 4^th.  The aforementioned head-to-head before goal difference method of working out placings in the group had a potential further complication today in that we could end up with three teams with 5 points.  In that scenario, results against Ireland would be discounted and a mini-league of results between the three teams would be used to determine places… and this mini league would be decided on goal difference and goals scored.  Maybe this is a bit complicated after all.

No such worries for Ireland and their manager Giovanni Trapattoni who was facing his homeland and the worry that he would play a weakened side to help out his homeland was confirmed when he named his usual side.  Fair play to Damien Duff though who reached 100 caps.

Ireland managed to get into this game without implementing ‘Operation Feck It’ in the first few minutes though throughout they did live dangerously with di Natale seeing an effort blocked by St.Ledger’s shoulder and the same player skipping round Given and his zimmer frame on the right edge of the penalty area and it must have been annoying for him to get a shot on target from a ridiculous angle and see a defender back on the line to clear it.  Given then got very lucky with a long range blast from Marchisio which was straight at him but he made a bollocks of it and it bounced off his zimmer frame for a corner.  The goal was coming for Italy and duly arrived when Pirlo’s corner was met by Cassano whose superb flick header hit Given and the underside of the bar and bounced behind the line before Duff hacked it clear.  Rumour has it that this is the first time that the officials behind the goal had actually done anything but fair play to them for getting it right.

Meanwhile in the other game…..nothing much happening aside from a Torres blast at near post from narrow angle and Mandzukic being cleaned out in time honoured Sergio Ramos style.  He fucks up then tries to make up for it by trashing into whoever he’s lost the ball to and though he did get a bit of the ball, he was lucky to get away with it.

Half time arrived with Italy winning 1-0 and the quite frankly, boring game between Croatia and Spain being goalless.  As it stands, Italy would win the group with Spain coming second.  However you worked it out, Ireland were still last.

The Italy and Ireland game was by far the more interesting of the two with Cassano missing a sitter when he tried to pass ball past 3 defenders instead of just lashing the shite out of it.  Fair play to Ireland and they had a go but following a decent move from the back, Andrews decided to shoot from 35 yards instead of passing it and Buffon comfortably saved.  The same player stepped up when Ireland won a free kick 25 yards out and this time he really caught it, bringing a decent save from the World’s most expensive goalkeeper.

Italy’s lead meant that Croatia were now third ‘as it stands’ and heading home so they decided to attack which increased the likelihood of a goal at both ends.  A goal for Croatia at this point would put Spain out and they were giving it a right go.  A break down the right by Modric ended with him putting in a ridiculous cross with the outside of his right foot right onto the head to Rakitic who headed it in just about the only place where he couldn’t score which was straight at Casillas.  I’ve always thought that Spain’s defenders weren’t particularly great of you can get at them, which usually of course, you can’t because you need the ball to do that.

Croatia brought on a couple of strikers including Jelavic but even though Spain withdrew Torres and Silva and went for the ‘on strikers’ formation, they introduced arguably a bigger threat in Fabregas and that skinny little winger Navas who looks about 11.  Fabregas and Perisic tested the keepers at each end but still the stalemate continued with Bilic getting progressively more psycho on the line.  The Marquis of del Bosque does not favour such animated antics, favouring instead to just sit there and play with his moustache.

Ireland’s chances of getting a morale lifting point (and sending the Italians home) went down the shitter when Andrews, their only player whose had a shot in the tournament, managed to pick a second yellow for not very much and was sent off.  As if the tournament hasn’t been poor enough for the Irish, he then embarrasses himself by acting like a knob before eventually going and wellying a stray football into the crowd.  His defence will be that he wasn’t wellying it but demonstrating his first touch but I would think he’ll get an additional ban.

There were five minutes to go when it all changed as Fabregas lifted a ball over the defence to the clearly onside Iniesta who laid it square past Pleitikosa, straight into the path of Navas who dribbled upto the goal line before smashing it into the net.  I admit that I don’t know what the rules are now but I thought Navas must be offside as Iniesta had passed it forwards and there were not two defenders between Navas and the goal, just the keeper.  Is there some strange part of the offside rule that says something like ‘if the passing only has one opposition player in front of him then the receiving player cannot be offside’ or alternatively ‘if it’s Spain then it’s not offside as them going out would be bad for the tournament’.  Still it made for some entertaining shots of Slaven Bilic as he waved his arms about and went a kind of purple colour.

As the game restarted, Ireland managed to let in another goal from a corner as Mario Nutbagotelli pulled out an overhead kick and smashed it into the net.  It’s a brilliant goal but in true Balotelli style, he’s less concerned with that and more worried about having a pop at someone over something.  Bonucci, the Italian defender does well to pull him away and even covered his mouth so no lip readers could see him mouthing ‘I am a complete fucking idiot with a bag full of chips on each shoulder’.

Games over and Spain win the group, with Italy second and a somewhat unfortunate Croatia going home.  Amazingly, after all the final day to-ing and fro-ing, Ireland finished 4^th and will reflect on a tournament where they have been completely outclassed.  They haven’t helped themselves though by conceding numerous poor goals from set pieces and often from just plain bad marking.  Most of the Ireland stories in the papers have been concerned with Roy Keane who in my opinion, didn’t say anything bad.  It’s been twisted of course to make it look like he slagged off the fans which he didn’t.  He slagged the players for praising the fans as a method of deflecting attention away from the fact that they were shite.

19^th June 2012 – Group D

So it was time for France v Sweden and Ukraine v England.  Which one to watch….?  Roy brought back Rooney for Carroll and the rest of the side was unchanged despite Walcott being fit and the buzz being that he would get the nod ahead of Milner.  Sadly the buzz was incorrect.  Shevchenko wasn’t fit for Ukraine but still they started the better of the two sides with England struggling to get hold of the ball and when they did, either went for giving it away or sending it forward long to Carroll who… oh yeah, we dropped him.

Question of the day is....  why do the Ukraine players spell their names with an ‘I’ on their shirts but it’s a ‘Y’ when it’s in the written media?  Anyhow...the Ukrainians serve notice of their intent to lash in as many long range shots as possible when Young misjudges the bounce of the ball like a 10 year old which allows Gusiev to cut in and fire over the bar.  Two more Ukraine efforts fly into the stand behind Hart’s goal and to be honest, they can keep doing that all night.  The stats come up after 25 minutes and England have had no shots at all but then we make the best chance of the night as Gerrard picks out Young with a raking pass and Young’s cross is straight onto the head of Rooney who doesn’t get off the ground and the ball slides off the squirrel on his head and out for a goal kick. It’s such a poor effort from the squirrel.

The France and Sweden game has been pretty dull but the Swedes have had the best chance with Toivanen first outmuscling the painfully bad and overrated Mexes before skipping past Lloris before rolling his shot onto the outside of the post instead of into the big white thing with a net on it.  Half time and double 0-0 which means as it stands, England are going through to play Spain.  Help.

Under Roy Hodgson England seem to have a happy knack of getting something when they most need to and it happens again straight after half time as Gerrard’s initial free kick is cleared back to him and he takes on Iarmolenko and gets a yard of space to whip in a cross which takes a couple of nicks off of Ukraine players which totally deceives Piatov in goal who makes a total bollocks of it and the ball pops onto the head of Wayne Rooney lurking at the back post and the squirrel manages to head it into the empty net.   England are 1-0 up and top of the group which is a position which gets even stronger a few minutes later as a cross from Wilhelmsson drops to Ibrahimovic who fires it past Lloris with a spectacular scissor-volley.

Ukraine have a renewed sense of urgency as they have to win this game and they have a great chance as England doze off.  We’ve heard all the talk about two banks of four and zonal defending and all that which is all well and good but if one of your eight defenders doesn’t attack the ball then you get situations like this one where Milevskiy heads an absolute sitter over the bar from 6 yards as 8 England players looked on from close proximity.

We get even luckier a few minutes later as Terry has a mare and gets horribly under a long ball which Milevskiy (who is clearly offside) slips through to Devic who is in on Hart.  Hart half blocks the effort but it’s still going in and fair play to Shagger, he gets back and hooks it away from a place somewhere in the proximity of the goal line.  At first viewing it looks like it’s in and subsequent replays prove that it’s in but the assistant extra ref is five yards away and looking along the line and he hasn’t given it.  Isn’t it great to be on the right side of one of these?  Devic is standing there with joy followed by disbelief on his face and Ukraine manager Oleg Blokhin is rampaging around the technical area trying to find an official with a UEFA jacket on so he can kill someone.  In this case, two wrongs have made a right as it should have been a free kick to England on the half way line.... I bet it won’t be seen like that.

England test out flapper in the Ukraine goal when Milner takes time out from giving the ball away to send over a cross which Piatov flaps to Ashley Cole who gets in a decent goalbound effort which to be fair to Piatov, he does well to keep out.  Back come Ukraine and it’s back to the long range pot shots but this one is different as it’s on target.  Konoplianka’s effort looks like it’s straight down Hart’s throat but it swerves in the air as it gets close and Hart has to pull out an excellent one handed stop and it grateful to the alert Lescott to smash the rebound out of harm’s way.

You get a feeling sometimes that the opposition aren’t going to score and you can relax a bit.  That time is now and England begin to play better on the break with both Parker and Rooney breaking through at separate times with Parker being thumped to the ground by Timoschuk and Rooney taking too long and being crowded out.  Shevchenko is on for Ukraine but all he can manage is a crude foul on Young and England’s subs have a chance to create a ‘Made in Southampton’ goal but Chambo butchers the pass to Theo who would have been clean through.  Must be the Arsenal influence.

It’s still 1-0 to Sweden and they are looking the more likely to score in their game against France with Lloris being by far the busier keeper, saving a close range blast from Wilhelmsson and a Mellberg header.  France have a great chance to equalize as Arsenal-bound Giroud heads a simple chance over the bar from 8 yards.

As the England game finishes, word comes through that Sweden have scored again as the ball comes back off the bar and falls to Seb Larsson who smashes it into the roof of the net.  France still manage to scrape through in second place but England have won the group and will now play Italy.  Following that is a potential semi-final against ze Germans and the tournament just got interesting.  The only bad news from today was that Gerrard and Carroll got booked and all cards don’t get wiped until after the quarter finals.  Another booking for the skipper would be somewhat catastrophic as he’s been our best player by a mile but that’s a worry for another day.  We didn’t play great again but we’re through as group winners and it couldn’t be better really.

Our defence is settled and has looked solid enough for me and our central midfield has been immense with Gerrard and Parker really putting shifts in, in each game.  Gerrard has also provided quality going forward and has set up a goal in every game so far.  An injury or suspension in there would really put a hole in our prospects as we have a choice of Milner, Henderson or Jones to fill in which is just nasty.  Aside from Walcott in the Sweden game, no one has really shone in the wide areas but I really think we need one of Walcott or Chamberlain playing against Italy.  This is my coded way of saying that Milner does my head in.  He can’t beat a man either by pace or skill as he has neither and more often than not, will just pass it to the nearest opposition player.  Up front we will persevere with Rooney even though he was abysmal today in truth and we have to find the best partner for him.  Welbeck has the club familiarity going for him, Carroll is more suited to playing up on his own which inevitably happens when Rooney drops deep and Defoe has more intelligence about his movement.  If it was down to me, I’d go for Carroll against Italy, simply because the Italians are hard as nails at the back and against better sides, England will tend to hit the front man for farther away.  By that, I mean that we’ll hoof it like usual but at least we’ll have someone to aim at.

All the talk after the game has of course been about the goal line technology debate.  It’s hard not to feel that everyone is against England when it comes to people like Platini and Blatter.  Blatter has just repeated what he said 2 years ago after the Lampard v Germany incident and it’s just made him look even more like a pillock as nothing much has happened in the meantime aside from him categorically proving that FIFA isn't corrupt and the vote to award to World Cup to Qatar wasn't rigged.  Predictably, no one is interested in the fact that there was a clear offside in the Ukraine v England incident which is the part that makes the debate really interesting.  We might one day be able to rewind a few seconds to prove a ball crossed the line but can we rewind 30 seconds to prove a player was offside or not?  We already have the technology to prove that we have complete twats at the head of FIFA and UEFA in Blatter and Michel '24 Teams' Platini.

The Quarter Final line up meanwhile, is now complete with Portugal v Czech Republic, Spain v France,  Germany v Greece, and of course, England v Italy.  My predictions for the semi finals are Portugal v Spain and Germany v the winners of the other game.   Low expectations has served us well so far so I see no reason to predicts an England win now.

Merde! bâtards anglais