Euro 2012 Part 3 - Torres earns a Draw

A 'Cheese Before Bedtime' Nightmare

10^th June 2012 – Group C

Spain and Italy is first up today and the hilarious team news is that Spain would rather play with 6 midfielders instead of giving Fernando Torres a start.  Can’t say I blame them really when the most advanced of the midfielders are Fabregas, Iniesta and David Silva… not bad is it?  The Italians of course are known for being negative and maybe this is because all their results are worked out in advance.  However, Prandelli the gaffer hasn’t read the script and has gone with two out and out strikers who are both slightly (?!?) unhinged.  Antonio Cassano is one and of course, everyone’s favourite nutbag, Mario Balotelli is the other.  I’ve had a soft spot for the Italians since 2006 when they completed the ‘English Dream Double’ of knocking out ze Germans in the semi final and France in the final of the World Cup.  Do I like that?  They play like a proper team with some quick first time passing and also that element of thug with players like Chiellini who lets just say, doesn’t fuck about.  Spain playing without any strikers just means he has six players to kick instead of one.

Spain of course can play too and some of the one touch close range stuff is mesmerising and makes me contemplate the hilarity of how England will play by comparison.  Spain do most of the passing in the first half but Italy have more threat and nearly take the lead on half time with a flying near post header from Motta which is expertly kept out by Casillas.  Balotelli has picked up his customary booking for fouling someone and then punching the ground repeatedly like the supermarket tantrum child that every parent has nightmares about.  The second half sees more Italian chances, none more so when our favourite nutbag robs Sergio Ramos and bears down on goal.  He has about 5 minutes to shoot or preferably, roll it across to his partner in Nutjob who has an open goal but he does nothing and eventually Ramos gets back and gets a foot in.  ‘Coming off… Mario Balotelli’ says the stadium announcer and he’s just about got Di Natale’s name out when he latches onto a superb Pirlo pass and slots it past Casillas for 1-0.

Spain predictably came on strong now and Buffon made a decent save from Iniesta before Fabregas got on the end of a lovely reverse ball by David Silva and made it 1-1.  Spain decided to play for a draw and brought Torres on and he achieved this by managing to get tackled by Buffon when clean through and then by chipping over a gaping goal as Buffon recklessly charged out.  Italy nearly wrecked the Torres-play-for-a-draw masterplan at the last as di Natale volleyed wide but a highly enjoyable, technical game ended 1-1, thanks to Torres who has given del Bosque another weapon if he wants to guarantee getting a draw from a drawing position.  These two teams are England most likely opponents if we manage to scrape though our group.  A somewhat scary prospect.

After the technical beautiful game, we now have Ireland.  Against Croatia, their game plan will be the same as it is against anyone in that they will keep it tight and try and score from a set piece (a bit like England’s current gameplan).  There’s been a lot of talk at the Euro’s about teams coming into the tournament with long unbeaten runs and the like.  The fact that Ireland are 14 games unbeaten shows you that at international level, there must be a lot of poor teams to play against.  The part of the Irish game plan which involves keeping it tight went to shit on 3 minutes when Mandzukic was allowed the freedom of the penalty area to head past the unsighted Given from quite a way out.  Ireland responded well and got back into it on 17 minutes in the usual way with a free kick from the wing, powerfully headed in by St.Ledger who beat Corluka in the air who clearly didn’t fancy it.  The rest of the first half was about Croatia possession, illuminated by Modric who was class.  Ireland were getting a foot in but progressively getting deeper and deeper.  As half time approached, it looked like Ireland would hold out but a horrible scramble in the penalty area resulted in the hapless Ward slicing the ball straight to Jelavic about 6 yards out and he wasn’t going to miss.  I’m sure that Trapattoni told them to keep it tight at the start of the second half but the definition of madness is to do the same thing and expect a different result and Mandzukic got his head on another cross and scored via the post and the unlucky Shay Given’s head.  As the second half went on, Ireland got increasingly annoyed with the more theatrical falls of the Croats and started playing on rather than kicking the ball out.  This rebounded on them when Robbie Keane was hoofed up in the air in the penalty area for a clear spot kick but as it was at the end of a move when Ireland didn’t put the ball out, the ref bottled it and didn’t give it.  Ireland created a few openings as the game wound down with Andrews mainly firing them all wide – decent efforts but not on target. 

Ireland have Spain next so I can see them being the first team being knocked out which is a shame as having worked in Dublin for three years, I want them to do well.  It’s amusing on one hand though as I remember watching the Wally with the Brolly game in a Dublin pub when England got beaten 3-2 and every Croatian goal was cheered by about 50 Irish-Croats.  Bet you’re not supporting Croatia now lads.  Ireland got a bit unlucky with some of the refereeing but the bottom line is that they gave bad goals away at bad times and have a lack of quality.  James McClean may make a difference but I can’t see Trapattoni doing anything other than naming the same side for the next game.  Croatia meanwhile were decent going forward but like Russia, you wonder about their defence against the decent sides.... what’s that coming up next…. Spain and Italy.

ITV have Roy Keane as a pundit.  I never like Keane much but you have to feel for him having to watch every match in the company of Adrian Chiles who is a complete arsehole.  Adrian signs off the coverage with a wanky joke about him having the hardest job tonight in trying to cheer up Roy.  Hopefully he’ll have a hard job in stopping Keane beating the shit out of him as soon as the studio lights dim.

11^th June 2012 – Group D

You can enjoy a tournament as a neutral as I did with Euro 2008 when England weren’t in it.  Enjoying it was done for now though as it was England’s turn with a match against the French whose manager Laurent Blanc warmed up by giving an antagonistic press conference about England playing negatively.  Keep talking you wanker.  I like the way England have been quiet and gone about thing in a civilized manner, no doubt repairing the PR damage done in the recent past.  There’s no danger of Roy saying something controversial about the Garlic munching cheating Thierry Henry hand of Frog string of onions retreating and surrendering French.  Not a chance.

Roy sprang a surprise and a good one by not picking Stewart Downing and deciding to go for a player who may actually contribute something and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain got the nod.  As a Saints and England fan, this makes me happy.  The rest of the line-up was as widely predicted with Lescott partnering Terry and Welbeck up front.  I had a plan of getting home to Southampton without finding out the score and watching it then but that all went to shit when the trains were delayed due flooding and so I was forced to watch it in a pub in Brighton.  It was tough I can tell you.

I was miles from the screen and couldn’t hear the commentary too well but I could see Chambo make a few decent darts forward and I could definitely see Young put Milner clean through.  He rounded the keeper but didn’t get any sort of angle on his shot and missed comfortably.

On the half hour it’s one of those beer flying group hug moments as England score.  It’s bizarre as England get a free kick on the right and Gerrard swings it over the top of everyone and rubbish but has to re-take it.  The bloke next to me in the pub says “Stick it on Captain Klingon’s head” (harsh but amusing in a "bloke int he opub" kind of way) as Gerrard’s second effort is powered home by Lescott.  1-0 to Star Trek and Jean-Luc Picard with his French name (this will be amusing to anyone who knows me with my French name) can fuck off.  England come under pressure and need to get to half time but sadly don’t make it as the ball is worked to that odious little shit Nasri who beats Hart at his near post through a crowd of players to make it 1-1.  Bastard.

The second half is cagey with Benzema looking decent but all his efforts are from long range.  The referee is obviously a Platini appointment as he’s having a shocker.  There are two identical incidents in the second half when a player is accidentally caught in the face.  Firstly Parker gets one in the mouth from Cabaye who has already committed about 4 fouls without getting booked.  The ref stops the game and then gives France the ball back from the drop ball.  Then, ugly fucker Ribery cops one from Johnson that no one really sees and France get a free kick.  The ref is stopping any of the rare attacks England do have as usually Chambo or Gerrard are hacked over and he just waves play on.  Wanker.  One incident sees the camera pan to Rooney in the crowd as he jumps up and nearly dislodges the squirrel growing on his head.

Defoe came on for Chambo and there was the collective suffering of an entire nation as Jordan Henderson came on for a knackered Parker who had run his nuts off and blocked the ball countless times.  Both teams had chances with Cabaye’s volley being deflected wide by Welbeck and the same player being denied by Mexes as he slid in on a decent cross when Milner decided that for once, he wouldn’t give the ball away. A good point gained I feel as the final whistle blew.  Happy with that and a decent start.  In the immediate aftermath of the game, it’s noticeable that other countries representative are queuing up to have a pop at England’s style of play – Michael Ballack being the latest.  Fuck off Michael… obviously a bit worried about the resolve this England team appears to have.  If it was down to me which mercifully it isn’t, I’d bring in Defoe for Milner for the next game, playing Young on the left and Chambo on the right and I’d send Milner to visit a Unkranian orphanage where all the kids will be grateful for him giving footballs away.

In the evening we have Ukraine against Sweden in the first match of the championships that I didn’t watch.  It’s billed as a battle between the veteran Shevchenko and the allegedly brilliant player who I’ve never seen have a decent game in Ibrahimovic.  They both miss sitters in the first half as Ibra (as lazy typists call him) hits the outside of the post with the sort of header a 7 year old could score and Sheva (as lazy typists call him) screwing a relatively simple effort across the goal.  Sweden take the lead when the main man pokes in a cross from close range but all this does is wake up the other protagonist as Sheva bullies Mellberg in the air and bullets a header past the keeper.  He made need a zimmer frame but the Ukranian is still quality and he gets his head to a corner to make it 2-1 with 20 minutes to go.  We have a Saints moment as Anders Svensson comes on as a sub for Sweden at age 47.  Back come Sweden with Ibra setting up Elmander with a clear shot on goal which he lashes horribly over the bar and so the Ukranians get off to a winning start and fair play to them.

I think the Ukraine win is a decent result for England as we have Sweden next who will have to attack us and go for the win, unless for some reason they fancy beating France in their last game.  England really shouldn’t fear either of their remaining group opponents, especially if we defend with the discipline we showed in the France game but in the Sweden game, we’re going to have to show a bit more going forward…. and I know we’re going to be hearing about how we haven’t beaten Sweden in a competitive game since 1968 but a) that’s irrelevant and b) they really are pretty shite.  Famous last words and bring it on.