Euro 2012 Part 5 - England in 'Not Dull' Shocker

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14^th June 2012 – Group C

Croatia and Italy are first up today in what was sure to be a very entertaining game and it didn’t disappoint.  Italy created several chances in the first half hour which Balotelli got on the end of and missed, usually without forcing the keeper to do anything except take a goal kick.  Italy took the lead that their play deserved when the nutbag was fouled out on the left wing.  Andrea Pirlo’s free kick beat the wall and beat Pleitikosa as his near post.  It was still mainly Italy in the ascendancy until the last 15 minutes when they allowed Modric to fire over and then Chiellini missed a straight forward cross into the box allowing Mandzukic to take a touch and crash it into the net via a post.

Panning down the line at anthem time, the camera revealed a few things about the upcoming Spain and Ireland match.  It revealed that Spain had picked a striker this time as Torres was in for Fabregas and it also revealed  Ireland’s planned formation of 11 men standing in a line.  As in their game against Croatia, Ireland set out to be hard to beat and compact and solid and all those words that imply that it’ll be a close game.  4 minutes and 1-0 to Spain as Torres picked up a loose ball in the box, walked round the truly hopeless Ward as if he wasn’t there and smashed a shot straight over Shay Given.  The rest of the first half was played almost exclusively in Ireland’s half and Spain were infuriating in that they hardly tried any shots, always looking for one more pass.  Half time came and went and I guess Ireland still had a chance if they kept it…. Oh dear, 2-0 as following a spot of ping pong in the box, it fell to David Silva to managed to slot it past two defenders and Given who were all in various stages of falling over and pass it into the corner of the net.  Soon enough it was 3-0 as St Ledger fell over the midfield and Silva sent Torres through on goal and despite a stumble, he still managed to fire past Given and into the corner.  Trapattoni sent on James McClean and some bloke called Green who got released by Derby County at the end of last season and has no club. By comparison, The Marquis of Del Bosque (or whatever his full title is) sent on Cesc Fabregas and therein lies the problem.  It was 4-0 with one of the most embarrassing goals I’ve ever seen at a major championship as a short corner was fed into Fabregas who simply turned past Green and lashed a shot in off the far post.

So, Ireland became the first team to be eliminated from the tournament.  It was a very tough group for them to be in but I honestly don’t think Ireland could have beaten any team that has qualified this time.  Keano got a bit animated at the post-mortem and he obviously hates the ‘jolly Ireland turn up and drink a lot’ image and rightly slated the team for being substandard.  In my view, they simply haven’t got the players but they should have done better with what they have.  The full backs and central midfielders are very weak areas and Dunne and Given really looked their age.

Games like this one remind me that Euro 2016 has of course already been ruined by Platini’s decision to have 24 teams in it meaning that a) the group games will be boring as only 8 out of the 24 will get knocked out and b) a load of rubbish will qualify next time.  Eight more qualifiers for this tournament would this year have meant places for such heavyweights as Turkey, Estonia, Bosnia, Montenegro, Hungary, Armenia, Norway and Israel, none of whom (aside from maybe Turkey) would have added anything to the tournament, just clogged up the schedule with crap matches.  Still no Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland though…

There are so many permutations in this group but aside from Ireland being out, the only certainties are that if Italy don’t beat Ireland then they are out.  An Italy win and a draw between Croatia and Spain means three teams tied on 5 points and then it’s all down to head to head records and goal difference and all that.  I’d bet on Spain and Italy winning their final matches and going through.  I’d also bet on the Irish fans drinking lots and having a laugh.

15^th June 2012 – Group D

Time for England again and what will no doubt be the usual borefest against Sweden.  Well, nearly time for that as first we have Ukraine against France.  The first half took the best part of 2 hours to complete as it absolutely shat down with rain in Donetsk and the cameramen had a chance to film dramatic weather shots as forked lightning was the order of the day.  The referee not only had to consider the safety of the players as usual but during the stoppage he also had to consider the wished of the UEFA officials who were following him around everywhere who were doubtless worried about TV schedules and being late for their restaurant bookings.  Luckily the rain stopped and so disaster was averted and with the England game being put back a mere 15 minutes, no reservations had to be cancelled but the players (who were less important than dinner) had to get started straight away with no warm up.

When the game got going, France were obviously the better of the two sides with Menez missing decent chances.  Ukraine on the other hand are relying on a 47 year old and Shevchenko looks like their only striker who is any threat at all and he at least forced a save from Lloris.  Into the second half and France finally took the lead when Benzema put Menez in to finally beat Piliatov which put the French totally in control and Benzema this time teed up Cabaye to score and put the game to bed.  Ukraine gave up at this point and Cabaye smashing a shot against the post was the closest we got to another goal.

With that done we were straight into England v Sweden where the expected news of Andy Carroll’s inclusion in place of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain was confirmed but more worrying than that, James Milner was still in the side.  All the talk of Sweden was about Zlatan Ibrahimovic who is a bit like the United Nations of Germany’s Mario Gomez in that I’ve never seen him have a good game.

England started pretty well and the first decent chance came via the cultured right boot of Milner who got up the pitch and saw his whipped cross slide off the forehead of Welbeck and keep on going wide of the far post.  Welbeck then teed up Parker to crash in a shot which would have been a goal of the tournament contender if Isaksson hadn’t taken off and superbly tipped it past the post.  Another cross from the right had us all out of our seats about 10 minutes later as Gerrard did well to keep the ball in before firing over a perfect cross for Andy Carroll to rise and completely thump a header into the net past Isaksson.  This goal is like football porn to me (and not because it has a big bloke with a ponytail in it) as it’s one of the best headers I’ve ever seen. For once the super slo-mo they insist on showing is really worth it as he rises and bang… get the fuck in there.  Now, will all those of you who thought Big Andy was a waste of space please admit that maybe you were hasty in your judgement?  Come on… I admitted that I may have got it wrong about Mario Gomez…

Another question is, would I have to admit about being wrong about Zlatan Ibrahimovic?  On today’s evidence, yes I would.  The guy struts around, is 6 foot 5 and has a neck which looks like it’s been transplanted from a fucking rhino or something…. and he has this aura of being fucking hard and our players look terrified of him.  There is no way that even John Terry would consider shagging his wife.  Time and again he just stood there with the ball and was almost daring England players to take it off him.  He brushed off England players until the coup de grace when Lescott tried to out muscle him and Ibrahimovic almost picked him up and just tossed him out of the way.  Unreal.  It must be so hard for him playing in such an average team who arrive at half time, still only trailing England by 1-0, thanks to a horrible miss by Young who gets put through on the left by Cole only to take a shite touch and drag his shot wide of the near post.

The start the second half with a purpose but the first time we give the ball away, Sweden attack well and the move ends with Carroll connecting with his fourth attempt at fouling someone in about 30 seconds.  Ibrahimovic’s free kick is straight into the wall and rebounds back to him.  His volley skews off the side of his foot straight to Mellberg six yards out who controls and shoots, Hart half saves it but it hits Johnson who has played everyone onside and rebounds into the net, despite Johnson making a decent effort to keep it out.  A bit lucky as the through ball was a total mis-hit so bollocks.

The one thing we know about bollocks is that they usually come in twos and the second one arrived when Milner made his first contribution since the cross into Welbeck about 40 minutes of play ago, by hacking down Elm.  The free kick was curled in and England played statues as that beardy fucker Mellberg headed a simple goal from 6 yards.  Bollocks, plural.  The only good thing about the goal was that it saw Milner substituted and the appearance of Theo Walcott.

Five minutes later and we had one of those ‘goaaaaaaaaa-fuckhowdidhefuckingsavethatthebastard’ moments when Shagger met another pinpoint Gerrard cross at point blank range but someohow Isaksson got it up and over the bar.  Having made that unbelievable save, thirty seconds later Isaksson was looking like a clown as Young’s corner was headed away as far as Walcott who thumped a swerving, dipping, slightly-deflected volley, high into the centre of the goal as Isaksson sat on his arse. 2-2.

And then finally it happened – a passing move which started in our defence and ended with Walcott taking on the left back and centre back for pace and only one winner there before his cross was backheel flicked in by Welbeck to make it 3-2.  I admit that I thought he’d fluked it but no has suggested that afterwards to fair play, brilliant finish.  We invite a bit of pressure on ourselves by dropping deeper and send on Alex Chamberlain for the woeful Ashley Young and we nearly make it 4-2 with another attack starting with Walcott winning a header in our own half and ending with him springting clear and teeing up Gerrard to blast a shot against Isaksson’s chest and away.

And so we won, bloody marvellous and the usual England roller coaster.  A point in the last game against Ukraine will see us through but probably in 2^nd place to probably play bloody Spain in the quarters.  For that reason, I feel that we need to really go for the win in an attempt to finish top.  No one should be getting carried away after this win though as Sweden were pretty average and have joined Ireland on the way home and at least no one will be able to trot out those ‘never beat Sweden’ shit stats now.  It’ll be interesting to see Roy’s preferred choice for the Ukraine match – one of Carroll or Welbeck is getting dropped to make way for Rooney which neither deserves and brilliant though Wayne can be – we have to remember that he was complete shite in the last tournament.  The wings are our problem positions with both Milner and Young being poor today.  Will Walcott get a start or be nailed on as an impact Sub (probably) or will Milner be included to give Ukraine a fair share of possession.