Euro 2016 Part 6 - Shit.

£14 million for Being Useless, Not Too Shabby!

Somehow, despite being in what was generally held to be the more difficult side of the draw, England had landed themselves a last 16 match against Iceland. That's Iceland, the little country in between Scotland and Greenland. They have got through this far by drawing with Portugal which got the shiny twat Ronaldo slightly annoyed, drawing with Hungary and then beating Austria so all in all their progress through to the last 16 was better than ours. The assumption was that we would be better in this game though and show our class. I'd say that was a pretty dangerous assumption. Roy Hodgson gave no indication that he knew what he was doing yet again as the rumours emerged that Raheem Sterling was going to play and apart from that it was to be the team that failed so spectacularly to do anything in our first game and a half at the tournament aside from Sturridge for Lallana. Lallana, despite being thick as mince has actually been one of our better players so far, even with the gaping deficiency of not being able to finish anything. Sturridge, when he started against Slovakia, was absolute shite.

When interviewed before the game about why a woefully out of form shite player had been included, Hodgson said that we would need width today. So he's gonna play wide then is he? Good.

We started well and Sterling was put through and Halldorsson hesitated as he came out and took him out... Penalty, even though there was an element of Sterling falling into the goalkeeper. It wasn't a red card as Sterling was heading nowhere except out of play so a dumb decision by the keeper. Up steps Rooney and buries it for 1-0, get in.

The early goal was supposed to be ideal as it meant that Iceland wouldn't be able to park the bus and we'd be able to pick them off on the break etc. Anyhow, from the kick off, Rose put the ball out for a throw. Iceland have been dangerous from long throws but it's nothing we haven't seen before so no worries. Gunnarsson hurls it to the edge of the box, flicked on by the giant Arnason who is up against Rooney and Sigurdsson (not Gylfi) has got behind Walker who is asleep and bundles in to net. Fuck off! Why the fuck have we got Rooney marking the big guy and what a surprise with Walker - the first bit of defending he had to do all tournament and look what occurred. 6 minutes, 1-1.

Something has happened. Something has gone wrong. Suddenly, we are not closing down anywhere on the pitch and allowing Iceland to just pass the ball about. This is the team that do not pass the ball and do not have any possession but we are allowing them to pass it about at will. They work it up to the edge of the box, a quick layoff and Sigthorsson fires in a shot and Joe Hart dives over it like a complete cunt and it rolls under his wrist. 2-1 down. On top of the goal he threw in against Wales, that is a fucking scandal. It is not his fault that we allowed them to string 20 passes together without so much as a challenge before the shot but fuck me he's got to save that. Still, at least he hasn't got fucking dandruff.

We created little for the rest of the first half.  A Sturridge cross and a Kane volley that was straight at the keeper being the best of it.  I can just imagine that wanker Hodgson’s Churchillian speech at half time but what he did that was noticeable was remove Eric Dier (who had been shite to be fair) and bring on Jack Fucking Wilshere, last seen being taken off against Slovakia because he was shite and not fit.  Is that the cavalry?  Why not try Ross Barkley you useless old goat?

Nothing much happened, except Iceland nearly scored again when we didn’t defend a corner and a point blank overhead kick hit Hart on the chest and bounced out.  He should have controlled it and rolled it along the ground – then it would have gone in.  Our first effort was a free kick from miles out which Kane took and smashed miles wide.  7 players in the penalty area and he does that.  He’s shot to bits – take him off for fucks sake.  Kane does get on the end of a Wilshere cross but heads straight at the keeper.

Iceland nearly score again on the break but Hart pulls off a decent save from Gunnarsson.  Roy gives Vardy 30 minutes or so instead of the unless little fuck that is Sterling, pulling Kane back into midfield and then with 4 minutes to go, wiith us having done nothing at all, Rashford comes on for Rooney.  He has a few promising runs on the left wing but it’s too little too late.  One final cross into the box and an Icelandic head gets there before Vardy and that’s it.  Wankers.

Iceland deservedly go through to a quarter final in Paris against France and I wouldn't bet against them messing them up as well and fair play to them. Brilliant team spirit and work ethic which against ramshackle uninspired crap like England is all you need.

And so we reach the end of another international tournament for England. This one has brought the most humiliating exit I can remember in my entire lifetime. I thought we'd have to go something to eclipse 2014 and our two game, no guts exit but Roy fucking Hodgson and his gutless bunch of fucking useless clowns have managed it. No system, no plan, no chance. Out, beaten by Iceland who’ve got a talent pool of about 30 blokes to choose from.  When they chose their initial squad, number 40 was a fucking penguin because they didn’t have enough blokes. At least we used to get knocked out by traditional football nations but not anymore. We get beaten by teams who just have to be organised. They even gave us a goal start.

Hodgson quit even before the magnificent Icelandic fans and players had vacated the stands and the pitch. He turned up and read out his resignation letter which he had to have written before the game. Just let that sink in... When he should have been spending every waking moment earning his £3.5 million a year and masterminding a game plan to beat Iceland, he was spending time writing a resignation letter. Also, he shouldn't have even been remotely thinking about getting beat by Iceland. The prepared statement meant he didn't have to answer any questions but I guess they'll happen another day but maybe they won't unless he's obliged to. Crawl under your rock and retire you useless senile old goat. I really hope that no media channels on the radio or TV give him any airtime to top up his pension pot. You've gone Roy, you're a disgrace, you're an idiot and we all knew it. There is no way he should have survived 2014 but he did and then wasted 10 easy qualifying games and all the friendlies. No plan, no system, wrong players.

As Roy wasn't taking questions, here are some I'd like answered, mixed in with some commentary about what the hell we've just witnessed.

Why wasn't Joe Hart dropped after Wales? He was clearly shot to bits. Why not after Slovakia? Yes he kept a clean sheet but was as nervous as you like. Fraser Forster may not have international experience but you gotta start somewhere and I promise you he would not have let in that goal against Iceland. He would not have let in that goal against Wales and I don't remember a single save that Hart made that any other competent keeper would not have made. It's another example of our inability to drop a big name.

Was anyone surprised when the first bit of defending Kyle Walker had to do, ended up with a free shot from 6 yards and a goal? I wasn't surprised. Clyne is the better full back. Always was, always will be but everyone got blinded by Tottenham last season so if you played for Spurs then you were in, regardless of the competition. The 'back' bit in 'right back' is a bit of a clue as to what you are supposed to be good at in that position. Much will be made of Walker's rampaging performances against Wales and Russia but Clyne was equally as good in that regard against Slovakia.

Rooney played in midfield because Van Gaal used him there for United because he wasn't good enough to take the place of Marcus Rashford or Anthony Martial up front. This gave Hodgson a way to shoe horn him into the side. He played very well in the first two games against poor teams when under little pressure but he was useless today and crap when he came on in that Slovakia game. That usually happens when a player plays out of position, you get the odd good game and then one where he looks completely lost. Why are we conducting this midfield experiment in a major championship? Oh yes, because as you quoted Roy, "Wayne Wooney is Wayne Wooney". No he's not Roy and he hasn't been for years. Wayne Rooney retired about 8 years ago and since then, this fat bloke with a squirrel in his head has taken his place.

Mind you, if Rooney hadn't played in midfield, who would have? Injured Wilshere who was clearly not up to it (big fucking shock after being injured all season) or maybe Henderson who is simply not good enough or maybe Milner... Give me strength. Maybe the midfielder who won the Premier League might have been worth a place. Just a thought but he was on holiday.

Harry Kane .... Fucking hell. He fell over the line at the end of the season. He was crap for Spurs in the last few weeks and clearly knackered yet he started the first two games. He was shocking and given the additional responsibility of set pieces which he didn't need. Oh yes, he's not good at them either. He's shot to bits and it’s your fault Hodgson. I have never seen a player visibly crumble as Kane did in the last half an hour against Iceland but still he was left on the pitch whilst the fresh and totally fearless Marcus Rashford was left on the bench.  By the end, Kane was looking like a man who had never seen a football before as it was going under his foot or bobbling off his shin.

Oh yes, Rashford.  Only in the squad because Hodgson was scared of the media reaction to not taking him, he’s actually looked pretty good. We're going out of the tournament and Roy gives Rashford 4 minutes to save us. Why not half an hour? He did more in 4 minutes than most did in 90. Kane was shit and visibly disintegrating, Sturridge was useless, Alli was useless.

Sturridge – fucking hell. He has ability, as a striker. He's not a winger or a wide forward. Anyone can see this except the bloke paid £3.5 million a year to see it. He is simply too greedy and does not have the awareness to play anywhere other than as a central striker. He was great against Wales as a sub but shocking as a starter against Slovakia, probably because he’s spent the whole season injured so hasn’t got 90 minutes in him. Picked to start out wide against Iceland he was absolutely useless. Everyone saw it coming... Except Roy Hodgson.

Why on earth did we end up playing a formation that requires wide players when we only took one wide player in the squad and that was Raheem Sterling who was never that good anyway but now he is completely shot to bits. A £50 million winger who never gets a cross in, rarely beats a man and plays on the left when he has no left foot. He also doesn't know when to run and when to slow down. He sprints for five yards and then stops like it’s that training drill you do between lamp posts – jog three and then sprint one.  All his runs are from the wing to the centre of the pitch and so he offers no width at all which according to Hodgson, was the reason he was picked to start the Iceland game. Did Hodgson tell him to stay wide or not?  Andros Townsend, Theo Walcott, Michail Antonio....all watching on TV, all quick, all natural wide players, all playing better than Sterling at the end of the season.  Forget his transfer fee, forget what he did at Liverpool.  What did Raheem Sterling do this season and more specifically, in the second half of last season.  Answer: fuck all.

I could go on all fucking night about the nonsensical decisions that have been made by Roy Hodgson. Some of it is of course in the benefit of hindsight but so much of it was incredibly predictable. He was making it up as he went along, frightened to make any decision. £3.5 million a year.  He’s earned £7 million since the last World Cup.  Fucking hell. Can I have my money back you charlatan.  He crapped on about us needing to be an attacking side which is why he loaded the squad with strikers. At times we had four or five strikers on the pitch but only one was playing as a striker, the others were being shoehorned into wide midfield positions which simply didn't suit them. Not many English players are adaptable but he was incapable of making a decision. if you have five strikers but only one striker in the formation that you want to play then you can only pick one of them. Just decide which one. That's what you are paid £3.5 million pounds a year to do.

You could blame it all on the FA of course. They didn't sack the useless prick after 2014. The same FA are now in charge with finding a successor. The next yes-man off the rank is Gareth fucking Southgate who's appointment would guarantee a half full Wembley for the first World Cup qualifier. Glenn Hoddle's name has come up again but after listening to him as a co-commentator on ITV, I do wonder if he's spent too long out of the game as he now just seems to talk utter bollocks. Who do you call for when your team is complete shit and you need to get a job done? That's right, Sam Allardyce... We could certainly do a lot worse and we probably will.

The players need to take a long hard look at themselves as well.  You need leaders to take hold if it and say ‘this isn’t fucking working’ and shake a few people up.  Nothing.  Fucking useless.  No doubt we’ll be watching Sky in a month or so and they’ll be telling us how brilliant everyone is.  Wankers.  Rooney, just retire mate.

We have another ridiculously easy qualifying group for the next tournament, World Cup 2018 in Russia. Slovakia are the 2nd seeds and Scotland are in there as well. Unless they appoint Southgate, we will probably all tune in again for the qualifiers. Things can only get better especially now that fucking idiot Hodgson has gone. The England rugby team has recently been transformed from being a joke to being the All Blacks main challenge by just by appointing the right coach. A similar transformation has happened with the cricket side. I believe the players are out there but we need to identify the right players and give them the right guidance. For now though, the consolation from another completely dismal England tournament exit is: Thank fuck the Roy Hodgson Era is over.