Capital One Cup 4th Round - Southampton 2 Aston Villa 1

Two Miracles.  Maya Scores and Gaston on the Pitch

It’s bizarre being on the cusp of a quarter final having played just one round but here we are playing Aston Villa at home with the last 8 the prize for winning.  Of course, we got to the last 8 last year and the draw opened up with a game against a League 1 side and we blew it horribly but this year a few of the big sides have already gone out (Arsenal, Chelsea) and so have Spurs.  Villa at home is maybe more difficult that it could have been as Captain Bellend Tim Sherwood has been sacked afdter Saturday’s 7th defeat in 8 games and has yet to be replaced.  Bottom line is that this Villa squad looks very weak so Kevin MacDonald, in charge for tonight, shouldn’t make too much of a difference.

As always there is the not knowing how seriously we are going to take this competition, even though the club has declared it’s going to take the cups extremely seriously this season having spend almost the entire Liebherr era doing the opposite.  We have a stronger squad this season but it’s still a bit of a moment when Ronald throws 7 changes at us.  Mercifully, Stekelenburg is one of the four, along with Virgil, Graziano and Big Vic who completes his rehabilitation from the transfer window dummy spitting episode by being named captain for the night.  There are starting places for Maya at right back, Caulker and Targett in defence, JWP and Romeu in midfield and Juanmi and The Great Gaston up front.  On paper is looks like a decent side but why 7 changes?  Villa have rested a few as well but as they’re near the bottom of the league you wonder if it matters.  On paper again it looks ok. Agbonlahor and Gestede up front looks alright with pace and aerial ability between them.  Regular centre backs Richards and Lescott are missing though so that might be good for us and I’ve never rated either full back Hutton and Richardson.  Guzan is a decent keeper as well when he’s not doing a Boruc and passing balls straight to attackers.

Away we go an immediately we’re a shambles at the back as Targett appears to have an aversion to getting the ball clear which we eventually manage when Virgil takes charge.  Villa are set up in a 4-4-2 with the obvious intention to get crosses in to Gestede.  The equally giant Caulker should be able to deal with anything that comes in and for now the delivery isn’t good enough.

The first real action is an attempt is from Villa as Bacuna worked his way in from the right, beating Targett twice before firing at Stekelenburg at a comfortable height for him to push away.  Everyone in the stadium then had 25 minutes which they’re never going to get back as the level of excitement varied between none and zero.  We had a brief flicker of excitement when we won a free kick 30 yards out on the right but Gaston’s effort was always going over the bar.

As first halves go, it was really, really boring and now it’s over.  Hopefully Ronald will be able to breathe some sort of life into the team otherwise we’ll be looking at a long night of extra time.

Someone’s obviously had a word with Maya at half time about full backs needing to get forward and he’s off, breaking at speed with the ball.  He plays a 1-2 with Gaston and from the edge of the penalty area, drills it with his left foot and sees it beat the last defender and Guzan and just inside the post.  Great finish and off he goes to celebrate with enthusiasm that is never matched by strikers when they score.  So, 1-0 and what have Villa got?  Not a lot.

We get a bit of pressure down the right but Saints are working hard to keep the lead and not give Villa a sniff.  No one is working harder than Juanmi.  He may not have done much in an attacking sense but hammering back and executing one of the best sliding recovery tackles I’ve ever seen, at least shows a massive commitment to the cause.

Agbonlahor turned up for the first time and attempts a right footed curler which Stekelenburg walked across to and pushed away for a corner when he really should have caiught it.  Villa’s soon-to-be-departing assistant manager obviously sees this as a sign that Agbonlahor is in good form and substitutes Gestede who has actually looked like he might have a goal in him.  On comes Scott Sinclair who retired when he joined Man City a few years back and has never really got back on the horse since.

The subs are on for us with Davis and Tadic on for Ramirez and Juanmi.  Davis going into the centre with JWP pushed to the right hand side.  The introduction of the two subs instantly raises the level of performance of the team with Davis in particular adding some purpose.  One cross from Tadic is headed over by Pellè and the next is controlled by the big man with his back to goal and he turns the defender and curls an effort over the bar.

The second goal soon arrives as Davis won the ball in midfield and quickly fed Tadic on the left.  He delayed his cross for just long enough for Graziano to peel off the back of Clark and then chipped a perfectly weighted cross which the Big Beautiful Italian crashed into the net on the volley.  Brilliant goal.

The game was dead and buried now and job done.  Alcopop Grealish was on by this stage and caused a few moments by running at Maya but the Villa attacks were sporadic and in the main unthreatening until the 94^th minute when Jordan Ayew – the shit Ayew brother, went down under a challenge for Virgil to concede a penalty.  Bloody hell – that looked very soft as he appeared to get the ball.  Mind you, there was no need to make the tackle as he was facing the wrong way.  Anyhow, up stepped Sinclair to send the keeper the wrong way and make it 2-1.  There was just enough time for us to kick off and lose the ball and that was that.

I guess that the end justifies the means as we are safely through to the quarter-finals despite making seven changes.  We were able to do this, not by playing particularly brilliantly ourselves but courtesy of the fact that Villa were dreadful.  It might look close with a final score at 2-1 but it really wasn’t.  They just seemed content to pass the ball about without going anywhere. Every time they try to play any sort of progressive football they just gave the ball away. The odd pot shot and comfortable save for Stekelenburg and that was it. That cocky little shit with the tampons for shin pads, Grealish looked decent when he came on but other than that they were very poor. What the hell has happened to Agbonlahor? He has terrorised us before with his pace, tenacity and movement but he looks like he's been smashing down pies and pints as he barely moved. I don't even think he's 30 yet but he played like he was about 42.

Once the first goal went in, any self belief that Villa had totally disappeared and it was very comfortable from that point on.  It doesn’t matter who they get in as manager as they have a very average selection of players which they cant change until January so it’ll be case of staying in touch until then and hoping that two or three new players turns them around.   It has to be said that they were beaten by two superb goals that we scored with excellent finishes and lovely assists, especially the one from Tadic.

Most of the post match interviews centred around Maya Yoshida and his goal. When Steve Davis scored at Chelsea, we kind of knew we were going to win and win your makeshift right back plays a 1-2 and smashes a shot into the corner from 25 yards with his left foot, you kind of know it's going to be your day.  The decent performers today were Virgil, Romeu and Tadic was excellent when he came on.  Gaston did ok with some really good touches and running with the ball and if it’s a shoot out between him and Juanmi then I’d take the Uruguayan any time.  Juanmi worked hard and the tackle on Hutton was brilliant but I still don’t really see it.  As a small striker he needs to either be lightning quick, very strong or very skilful and he hasn’t proved any of those yet.  It was his best appearance for us by far however.  Not having his best appearance was JWP with even his delivery from corners being well off the mark.

The draw.... Liverpool at home in the quarter final. This will be interesting because

a) The Klopp bandwagon will be hurtling at 500mph by then even if he still hasn’t won a league game

b) They put out a very inexperienced team against Bournemouth tonight – will they do the same against us?

c) Clyne, Lovren and Niveatwat.

Home draw and avoiding Man City... You gotta be happy with that.

That's not till December though. We have the visit of Bournemouth to St Mary's.  I’ll let tophers decide whether it’s a derby or a rivalry or whatever.  For me, it’s a home game against a team that is struggling down near the bottom who have been tanked 5-1 in their past two league games and we should be winning this one.  Their management will be trying to stress the importance to the morale of their fans and their fans will be giving it the large one in the build up like they always do and our job is to send them back home with the same result as they usually get.

Premier League Match 10 - Liverpool 1 Southampton 1

Klopp - Not the Messiah!

In the absence of Portsmouth from our lives at the moment, something is missing, even with Bournemouth being in the Premier League now. I can't find much to dislike about them but I can find plenty to dislike about Spurs and Liverpool. I feel that my dislike of Liverpool stems mainly from Brendan Rodgers, so I guess it may subside in a few weeks now that he's been sacked but as a kid who grew up in the 80s, I had Liverpool and their fans rammed down my throat all the time. Their fans were a pain in the arse then and they still are now, only with added delusion.

Jurgen Klopp has arrived and the delusion that has gone into overdrive. He's had two boring draws so far but the perception seems to be that he will turn Liverpool from a ragtag bag of shit into a team of world beaters in approximately five minutes. The hype around his appointment has been absolutely ridiculous and no doubt with today's match being on Sky, that will continue. Expect a panel laden with ex-Liverpool players as you seem to get wherever football is played in whatever country of the world on that whatever TV channel.

Our team news is that Jordy Clasie starts the game in place of JWP and there is a place on the bench for some Uruguayan bloke I've never heard of called Gaston Ramirez.  Mercifully, Kevin Davis is back in the rest home… Sorry, I mean on the bench as Maarten Stekelenburg is back in goal. You have no idea how happy that makes me. Cedric has recovered from his cut head last week and looks a bit like the elephant man with bits of tape all over the top of his eye. It will be interesting to see how he fares in comparison to Nathaniel Clyne who will of course be playing for Liverpool. There is also a place in the Liverpool starting line up for Niveatwat himself, Adam Lallana. One thing is certain in this match and that is that Niveatwat will be off before the 70 minute mark and covering himself in cream.

The game is about to start and the cameras pan to various Liverpool fans with Klopp banners and they've even got him all over the electronic advertising boards. How fucking embarrassing is that? I expect you can get some really good deals on eBay for the in Brendan we trust banners they all had at their last home game. Complete Muppets.

Come on Saints, we can beat this shit.

The pattern of the game is set very early on as Liverpool keep the ball and do nothing with it in terms of having a shot on goal or anything like that.  Coutinho gets free and has a shot blocked by Cédric who let’s remember, is our replacement for Clyne who can’t defend.  Liverpool do manage the first shot on target on 10 minutes and it’s Niveatwat who finds some space on the edge of the box before dribbling an effort which Maarten falls on easily.

Set pieces are looking like our best route forward if the referee actually gives us any free kicks.  Pellé is getting battered by Skrtel every time he goes for the ball but mountaineering does not constitute a free kick today.  The ref can’t not give us corners though and from our first one of these, Tadic puts it onto the head of Captain José who heads over.

We do create a great chance as Bertrand gets down the left and his cross is not dealt with at all by Sakho and it falls to Steve Davis about 6 yards out but he’s obviously had his week of goals for this decade and his shot was awful and Mignolet didn’t have to move.

It gives me nightmares when Coutinho gets the ball and cuts in from the left which is a direct hangover from the Kevin Friend match last season at St.Mary’s.  Instead of finding the top corner this time though, he has one blocked and sees one end up in row Z.  Milner does have a decent chance though after some neat play between Moreno and Niveatwat but Milner is just as dogshit in a Liverpool shirt as he is in an England one and drills it wide.

Lucas Leiva, a player most Liverpool fans derided as shite about 5 years ago is still in the team and doing what he does which is continually foul people without getting booked.  Yet another foul on Mane gives us a free kick 40 yards out which Davis curls in.  Virgil has beaten the attempt at offside and is all on his own but doesn’t get enough on the header and it bounces down, enabling Mignolet to paw it away.  The big man really should have scored there.  He again though is showing what a handful he is when he’s in the opposition box.

Liverpool are pressing well it has to be said and stifling our play but not doing much themselves.  Origi up front is a disaster and Moreno shows how to have no composure at all when a nice ball is played behind Cedric for him to run on to but he smashes it at the moon.  We do get the obligatory shot of Klopp jumping about though and pulling a face as the ball flies into the Scousers behind the goal.

We are at the end of what has been a non-event kind of first half.  We’re content to let them have it as they’re doing nothing but we really need to force the pace a bit more than we are.  Maybe we’re waiting for the last 20 minutes which Ronald pinpointed as an opportunity for us today as Liverpool had a Europa League game on Thursday whereas we did not.  It was all part of the plan, obviously.

There would be more threat from Liverpool in the second half as the hopeless Origi is off and Benteke is on.  Good player Benteke but will he fit in or be another Andy Carroll.   Right now however, he’s making Liverpool play better as he’s winning the ball and laying it off.  Moreno is at it again when he gets himself free on their left and when composure was needed, he just lashed it across the face and out with the nearest player, Niveatwat, being nowhere near it.

We are playing well in midfield with Clasie digging in strongly alongside Big Vic and a break sees Mané put away on the half way line.  It’s a straight race between him and Moreno which Sadio looks like he’s winning but Moreno pulls out a superb recovery tackle.  It’s interesting though that when it was slowed down, Moreno was off the ground with both feet at one point.  It’s a great tackle but if Sadio had jagged left at that point it could have been really nasty.

Tadic has contributed the square root of sod all since the opening 10 minutes and he’s off to be replaced with JWP.  The formation now seems to be slightly screwed with Sadio wide left, Davis on the right and JWP behind Graziano.  Very predictably, Niveatwat has lasted 65 minutes so he has to come off and that Brazilian bloke they paid £30 million for is on.  Off you go Niveatwat, you complete thick idiot.

It not a surprise that Clasie has to come off but it’s a surprise that it’s Juanmi who comes on with JWP moving back.  Having taken off a player who was doing really well, we then concede a goal.  A crossfield ball finds Clyne who has managed to get upfield after spending most of the second half not being arsed.  He gets it back to Milner who is not closed down and he swings over a cross and Benteke gets in front of Fonte to bullet a header into the top corner giving Stekelenburg no chance.  For. Fuck’s. Sake.  I can’t believe the spawny fuckers are going to do us again and bastard useless Milner has an assist.  The next three minutes are spent watching slow motion close up replays of Klopp jumping around on the touchline and Daniel Sturridge in the crowd who didn’t look in the least bit interested.

Bloody hell it’s Gaston Ramirez, a player who has been literally to Hull and back.  Well’s now’s your chance boy as he replaces Steve Davis.  We are immediately better and create a chance as Mané runs in behind and lashes over when he had to shoot as he was running out of room.  Our attitude has changed and we’re forcing them back and Milner decides that the way to deal with it is to cart Bertrand over with a tackle so clumsy that it even brings a yellow card from the Scouse referee.  In it comes from JWP, flicked on by José on the edge of the box and Ramirez gets up at the far post, above Benteke and loops a header over Mignolet and it’s dropping in but Sadio bundles into make sure and make it 1-1.  Get the fuck in.  Now let’s go and win this.  They’re shit.

You know we’re going to get on chance and it’s Ramirez again who sets off on a great run from his own half and eventually slides a ball alongside Pellè and the big man takes a swing with his left foot and completely misses it.  He’s great at that sort of shot on the right but this is shite and Mignolet just picks it up.   Another break sees Juanmi in possession but he takes an age and gets dispossessed, forcing Mané to cart a Liverpool player and get booked.  This is no big deal until he does exactly the same a minute later on Moreno and gets a second yellow. Arse.  It shows the class of Koeman though as when most managers would be encouraging their sent off player to take as long as he could to get off the pitch, Ronald is trying to give him the hurry up.  Game over, 1-1.

Whilst I'm pleased to have got a draw having been behind with only five minutes to go, I can't help but feel that we've missed out here. We really should have won this and with a bit more self belief we would have done. Let's face it, Liverpool are absolutely shit. Brendan Rodgers legacy is a team that is absolutely fucking useless. They had nothing until Benteke came on and all he brought to the party was an aerial presence so they could smash balls up to him. It was a really good centre forwards header for their goal but it was poor from us as Milner, of all people, was given enough space to sling a cross in and Fonte won't be happy that Benteke got in front of him.  Mr Reliable Milner could have done what he normally does and shank it behind the goal.  We waited until we were 1-0 before we played with any attacking urgency and it only took us 5 minutes to score when we went for it.  If we’d gone for it before we went behind then we would have won this as they were there for the taking, in much the same way that Chelsea were in our last away game.

The Sky coverage of this game was absolutely scandalous. What was with the continual shots of Daniel Sturridge in the crowd?  He's injured and therefore is irrelevant to the game in front of us. What cutting edge coverage of a bloke in a baseball cap.  What’s the point?  Did they show a picture of Fraser Forster or Florin Gardos? No, of course they fucking didn't despite them being similarly injured and irrelevant.  Might as well put a picture of Luis Suarez and Raheem Sterling up on the screen as they weren’t playing either.  Jamie Carragher and Graeme Souness were the two expert summarisers in the studio. They didn't even mention that Souness used to be the Saints manager. Klopp this and Klopp that and fuck off. How fucking desperate are Liverpool and how sad it is for a club of their tradition and standing to have slogans like "cream of the Klopp" on the electronic advertising hoardings round the side of the pitch. That's the sort of small time shit I expect from Reading or Brighton.

Despite looking a bit Phantom of the Opera, Cedric had a decent game down the right hand side. Virgil again stood out at centre back though he really should have scored in the first half. In midfield, I have to say that I was impressed with Clasie, who got stuck in to every tackle which was a relief after his powderpuff performance against Leicester. Upfront we were way off the pace today which is the reason we didn't win. Graziano had a complete shocker, culminating in the air shot when he had a great chance to win it. Tadic was absolutely dreadful from first to last apart from maybe two crosses that were worthy of the name. Also dreadful was Juanmi. In every appearance he's made I've been looking for the thing that he is good at and I still haven't spotted it though I suspect it might be completely avoiding the ball. On the one occasion I remember him touching the ball he dawdled so long that he totally butchered a decent break we had at the end of the game. On the other end of the scale was Gaston Ramirez who was brilliant when he came on. He worked hard up and down the flank, never gave the ball away once and was always looking to be positive. In addition to that he got an assist with a really good header back across which was going in before Sadio made sure. Sadio's red card really doesn't matter as much as it could do in the scheme of things as he just misses the capital one cup game against Villa on Wednesday.

Talking of the Villa on Wednesday, I guess that one might be more difficult now as like today's opponents, they've just sacked their manager with Tim Sherwood being shown the door before he had a nervous breakdown. It is our stated intention to do well in the cups this year and a win on Wednesday puts us in the quarter-finals which is where we got to last year before making a colossal bollocks of it against Sheffield United.it is time for a trip to Wembley, it really is.

Premier League Match 9 - Southampton 2 Leicester 2

Kelvin Springs Out of his Rest Home

Two weeks have gone by since the amazing win at Chelsea and shedloads of players have been away playing internationals with mixed results.  Steve Davis had a dream week and scored two as Northern Ireland beat Greece to qualify.  Considering that before the Chelsea game he couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo, this is pretty amazing, as is the fact that Northern Ireland qualified.  Fair play to them.  Shane Long cracked a great goal for Ireland against Germany as the Boys in Green won 1-0 but then got crocked in their final game in Poland so will be out for 4 weeks-ish.  Ireland at least have a playoff to look forward to, unlike Virgil van Dijk with Holland who managed to come 4^th in the group behind Turkey, Iceland and the Czech Republic.  This exit predictably saw the ‘Koeman for Holland’ speculation start again.  Anyone with a memory which goes back further than about a month will remember the answers he gave last time when asked about the speculation.  Unsurprisingly, nothing has changed aside from the Dutch FA saying that they are backing the current manager who after all, has only just taken over.  It doesn’t stop them asking though..zzz!

Ryan Bertrand played for England in the home game against Estonia which we won 2-0.  He had a solid, rather than spectacular game which was pretty much the same for everyone except for Raheem Sterling and Harry Kane who were both dreadful.  Ryan was on the bench for the Lithuania away game which England won 3-0 at a canter.  Cantering is all you can do on the stupid plastic pitch which there is no excuse for having at international level and it should be banned.  Kane was great in this game, as was Ross Barkley but it doesn’t matter as Rooney will still play ahead of both of them despite Kane being a better No.9 and Barkley being a better No.10.  We won all 10 games in qualifying but anyone who goes on about that as some sort of major achievement is deluded.  Switzerland are the standard of a relegation candidate Premier League side and no one else in the group was above League 1 standard.  Still, I’m totally confident that Hodgson will make the most of the resources at his disposal and we’ll be great in the tournament when all our big players like Rooney, Carrick, Henderson and Milner are crammed into the side.  Milner taking free kicks is always good as well.  Someone said that it was a positive that 19 players from the last World Cup squad were still involved... remind me how we did in that tournament?  Ah yes, we were the first team knocked out.  Only Lampard and Gerrard have gone and they’d still be in Hodgson’s squad if they hadn’t retired.  I bet he still rings them as asks if they’re available as well.

On the eve of the game came the news that José Fonte has signed a new contract to take him up to 2018 and the age of 35.  I don’t think anyone could begrudge him that as he’s been superb for pretty much all of our Premier League years after being so good to take the piss right throughout the Championship and League 1 years.  Congratulations Captain.  It’s makes me laugh that his predecessor as captain was the shitbag Nivea Twat.

Leicester at home is a game that at the start of the season, you pencil in for 3 points but they’ve started well, basically hounding and harrying teams into submission from the first whistle to the last.  They are higher in the league than us though so it’s a tough one.  Jamie Vardy has been their main source for goals which is odd as he scored about 5 last season in total.  Other dangers include Jeffrey Schlupp who looks a good player down the left hand side and Riyad Mahrez who has been left out a bit recently but he started the season with 4 goals in the first few matches.  Claudio Ranieri is their manager and he used the build up to mention that he was interviewed for the Saints job when the shitbag Pochettino left.  I expect the lack of enthusiasm that would have greeted him here was the same as the lack of enthusiasm at Leicester.  I wonder if any of their fans are moaning now.  They have a couple of ex-Saints in their ranks but Dean Hammond doesn’t even make the bench and Bag Thief Nathan Dyer is on loan from Swansea.

Our team news is that it’s the team that played the second half against Chelsea apart from … oh shit!  Stekelenburg has picked up a back injury and Kelvin Davis is in goal.  Fuck no.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve slated Gazzaniga in the past (the most recently being Leicester away at the end of last season) but in pre-season he actually looked quite decent.  Looking past that though, it actually puts me in a bad mood again that the club have this glaring issue in the squad.  Jordy Clasie is back on the bench which is missing Shane Long.

Leicester start the better of the two sides and pin us back.  Fuchs gets over a good cross from the left wing and Davis hesitates like a pensioner about to cross a motorway, then dives out at it and misses it completely in a move that is not going to fill anyone with confidence.  The first shot of the day is from Vardy who puts an Albrighton cross well over and then another cross and another almighty carnage inducing flap from the keeper which ends with Virgil heading it out from near the goal line and Davis catching it by the penalty spot.  Fucking shambles.  The defence is playing deeper and not knocking anything back to the keeper.  It’s not great.

We finally start playing after 10 minutes and it’s Virgil who starts playing from the back.  We win a corner as Cedric’s cross is headed over and JWP’s delivery is met well by Virgil but hacked off the line.  I reckon Virgil is good for 6-8 goals this season.  On 20 minutes we win a series of corners with JWP swinging them in from the left and Tadic from the right.  It’s Tadic who gets the assist though as Fonte rises unchallenged at the near post and flicks a header down and across and inside the far post which didn’t have a Leicester presence on it.  Considering their two centre backs are Huth and Morgan – two monster sized players, it’s surprising we’re getting as much joy on corners.

Talking of joy, Cedric and Schlupp aren;lt having anyway as they clash heads and collapse and there’s blood everywhere.  Schlupp obviously has the harder head as he manages to resume without the turban bandage and a change of shirt.  Cédric can’t be too bad as he’s up the wing feeding Mané who turns and curls a left footed effort towards the far post which Schmeichel gets down well to claw away.  He’s a decent keeper to be fair – not as good as his dad but a lot less punchable as well.

Another corner and another goal as JWP changes the angle with a quick 1-2 and curls in a cross which is met by Pellè.  Graziano again demonstrates this startling accuracy he has at being able to hit the post from absolutely anywhere but it bounces out to Virgil, bobbles off his shin and back onto the post before he knocks it in amisdst howls of protest for offside.  I’m not sure what the rules are these days but as Pellè headed it, Virgil was offside.  I can’t imagine the post changes the phase of play or whatever so it should have been disallowed… but who cares.

The ref then hands the yellow card to  Big Vic that he’s been looking to give him since about the 10^th minute.  He tried to indicate that it was for persistent fouling by doing the pointing thing to lots of areas of the pitch but as he’d only committed one foul previously, he ref looked a bit of a twat.  Leicester are known this season for coming back into games and rescuing things and they are going for it before half time.  Firstly, Drinkwater hits a shot from the edge of the box which Davis does well to push over the bar.  The following corner falls to Huth and he makes space from himself before applying a carthorse finish and slicing it wide of the near post.  We have made it to half time with a 2-0 lead and more remarkable, without letting in a goal.  I have no idea how.

Ranieris decides to go for it at half time, bringing on Mahrez and Dyer on for Schlupp and Okazaki.  Schlupp has his head injury and Okazaki has done absolutely nothing aside from throw himself about looking for free kicks.  The start of the second half is fairly even with both sides looking to get on top but we’re confortable and it should be 3-0 as Big Vic puts Sadio away through the middle and he nips it round Schmeichel as he comes out to meet him about 30 yards out but he can’t get the shot away and a Leicester defender gets a foot in.  Balls.  From that moment on it was all Leicester as they started finding spaces and our midfield appeared to stop playing.  JWP and Davis weren’t getting on the ball at all and Big Vic seemed to be hampered by some sort of injury and the yellow card that he got earlier.  Clasie came on for Steve Davis and Maya for Cédric who by this time was wearing a very fetching red and white turban.  I kind of understood the first sub but would rather that Romeu came on and unless there was an injury I don’t know about, I’d have left Davis on… so I guess I didn’t agree with it.  Maya for Cédric…. Just no.

We have another chance as Mané cleverly teed up Pellè who lashed over but the general flow of the game has not changed since the subs came on and the inevitable happened on 66 minutes.  Virgil tried to bring the ball out down the left and played a ball to Tadic who was as powder puff as could be in trying to retain possession and away went Dyer.  Virgil was drawn out of the middle and couldn’t prevent the cross which was met by Vardy at the near post to thump in a header for 2-1.  We had 3 marking 2 in the box but Vardy ran inbetween Fonte and Clasie and was completely unmarked.

The next 20 minutes are all Leicester.  The only real question seems to be if they’d score before running out of time.  Vardy smashed a chance just over the bar after a neat move when they just pulled our defence all over the place.  The midfield still wasn’t playing, JWP and Clasie were the definition of powder puff and J-Rod (on for Tadic) and Mané might as well not have been there.  Mahrez was proving that his manager was an idiot for not starting him and Dyer was proving that Swansea were stupid to let the bag thieving little twat go out on loan.

In a rare bit of respite, we break forward and Mané has a chance to run deep into their end of the pitch but he instead tries a chip from 50 yards and it’s close-ish but ultimately it just hands Leicester the ball back again.  Leicester’s next attack is defended well and ends up in the hands of Davis as the clock hits 90 minutes.  Davis looks long, one assumes towards Graziano but the kick is a horrible flat load of shite which is knocked behind our midfield.  There’s a lightweight challenge from Clasie and Mahrez has it, one pass and Vardy is through.  He ain’t gonna miss is he and bang, he doesn’t. Fuck off. Fucking goalkeeper can’t kick a football.  All he had to do was send it sailing into their half for Graziano to compete for but no.  Bollocks.  Davis has the ball in his hands and within 5 seconds it’s in our net. Fucking useless.  Clasie was extremely powder puff with his challenge as well.  On 90 minutes, at 2-1, you whack him and take the booking, not get muscled off the fucking ball. 

The remaining couple of minutes of injury time passes relatively quickly which is good news for us and that’s that.  Balls. You have to hand it to Ranieri. I guess at two nil down he had to try something but he rolled the dice and it worked perfectly for them. In the second half we had absolutely no answer to them and if the game was five minutes longer, we would've lost.  They called him the Tinkerman because he used to change a winning side and then lose but he got it right today, eventually.  He’s still odd though - Why the hell Mahrez in particular is not in the side ahead of Okazaki from the start is beyond comprehension.

The substitutions we made today didn't really do the job. From Ronald’s post-match comments you can tell that he thought we were beginning to lose a grip on the game and needed to manage it better, hence why he bought Clasie on to try and get us passing the ball again. For me, the problem was that the wrong player was substituted. Steven Davis was having a good game where as Tadic and Mané were both completely anonymous. Clasie is also playing his first game in English football and has been injured so it was wildly optimistic to expect him to be able to be immediately comfortable with the pace of the game. As we saw, he spent the vast majority of his time on the pitch just chasing shadows and being lightweight. In hindsight, Romeu out should've come on and he certainly should have come on instead of Rodriguez who eventually replaced Tadic.

If you look at the game as I whole, there is no way that we can say we deserved to win it. It was like the Man United home game in some ways in that we only played for about half of the match and the other half we just let happen. You are not going to win many games if you do this. Having said that, we nearly did win it and we would have if we had a goalkeeper instead of a crumbling pensioner between the sticks. We were to one up with a minute to go and our goalkeeper had the ball in his hands. After a 20 year career, you would think as a goalkeeper he'd have the technique to launch it into the oppositions half but instead of that we got a low trajectory shite kick which barely reaches the half way line, was immediately knocked past our midfield which put us right in the shit and they scored from it. Also, I know Vardy blasted the shit out of the ball but was Davis making himself big? Really? Maybe this is harsh but it almost looks to me like he's trying to get out of the way. Even forgetting the equalizing goal, his performance was nothing short of shambolic. From the moment he missed the cross in the first minute to right through to Vardy's second goal. Our defenders obviously didn't want to knock the ball back to him because they didn't trust him to clear it or play a simple pass which would enable us to build again. Instead, the fullbacks just turned round and usually wafted it off the pitch for a throw-in which meant in the second half in particular, we could never release the pressure. The one time it was knocked back to him in the second half , Vardy gave him a 9 yard start in a 10 yard race and still managed to block the kick. 

I appreciate what Kelvin Davis has done for the club but he is 39 and might pop a hip out every time he moves  In a couple of years he'll be wondering why the world smells of piss and Werthers Originals. Throughout his career both with Saints and with other clubs, he has proved he is not good enough to play in the Premier League and now it is chronic. Gazzaniga has his faults, there is no doubt about that… and he has driven me absolutely nuts in the past, however, he is now miles better than Davis and it should certainly be the second choice keeper. If Stekelenburg had played today we would have won. If Gazzaniga had played today, we probably would've won. Not-so-Super Kelv is not the only factor of course but it is the single biggest factor as to why we didn't win on Saturday. He simply has to have played his last game for Saints now. I assumed that the game we gave him at Manchester City at the end of last season to bring him to 300 games for the club was as far as it would go. That was a sentimental decision but at least I could understand it a bit. There wasn't much riding on that game so why not reward a club stalwart?  There is loads riding on every game at this stage of the season and Kevin Davis should not be playing. He must never play again or else we are just giving points away.  It’s not his fault he’s been selected but the loyalty the club shows to him is damaging.  There will be better keepers playing regularly in League 1 and 2.  I dunno who the Skates have got in goal at the moment but he’ll be better than Davis.  The club has built a squad in which every player is replaceable aside from the goalkeeper.  Stekelenburg is a good No.1 but we have no other goalkeeper on the books who is anywhere near good enough and this is the 4^th season in a row where this has been the case.  We’ve had this problem ever since Boruc was our No.1

Elsewhere, as previously mentioned, Tadic and Mané were terrible and in addition Ryan Bertrand and Big Vic seemed way off the pace. Shall I mention the referee? Let's just say he wasn't doing us any favours in the last 20 minutes where near identical challenges were being committed by both teams but they only seemed to be given one way.

Bollocks, two points dropped. Moving on, we now have a game I am really looking forward to. In my twisted mind, we were going to go to Anfield, win and

a) Brendan smug twat Rogers was going to get sacked,

b) Adam Lallana was going to get substituted after 55 minutes,

c) Tadic was going to tear Clyne a new arsehole,

d) Graziano was going to score a hat-trick whilst Lovren floundered on the ground next to him on all three goals and

e) Lallana was going to come over to the Saints fans at the end of the game to try and apologise for being a fucking thick twat, only to be pelted with Nivea products.

Not all of this can happen now as of course Brendan Rodgers has already been sacked, Lovren is injured and it's very easy to imagine that Lallana won't get much game time under Jurgen Klopp.  I'll just settle for winning the game and putting the first dent in the regime of Anfield's latest Messiah. It is not going to be easy but we have a habit of bouncing back from disappointments so you never know. Keep the faith, in exactly the same way that all the twats that streamed out of St Mary's on 80 minutes didn't do today. I hope the traffic was really really bad anyway and you were late for your dinner.

Premier League Match 8 - Chelsea 1 Southampton 3

Is it a Bird, Is it a Plane... No, It's a Twat.

Chelsea have had a stuttering start to the season to say the last and Jose Mourinho has been at his fractious worst.  He can be entertaining and he can be charming but he can also be a complete helmet and you’d never ever tire of punching him in the face.  Chelsea’s indifferent form on the pitch has sent him into a bit of a tailspin and it reminds me very much of the time when he left Chelsea before when Abramovich just got fed up with him… well that was the impression anyway but we can only guess as Abramovich never says anything. 

Off the pitch, unless you’ve been living on Mars or something, the main news has been the Eva Carneiro issue which unless I’ve missed something was... Hazard feigns injury to waste time so the referee calls on medical assistance.  The medics go on (as they have to do) and Jose kicks off because he was trying to waste time and they have to now take Hazard off to the side of the pitch and defend with 9 men as the medics have gone on (as they have to do).  They didn’t let in a goal so no damage done but Chelsea demoted the medics anyway, forcing Carneiro to leave the club.  If there is a clearer case for constructive dismissal ever then I’ve not heard of it.  If Carneiro had been a middle aged bloke like the other medic then it probably wouldn’t have made the news but she of course is not so it became a huge issue in the media who as a sideshow, dug her ex-boyfriend out of the woodwork for some dirt.  Overall, it gave more ammunition to everyone who is looking for reasons to hate Chelsea.  It’s not a hard thing to do as they are pretty unlikeable from the outside. 

It’s certainly a good time to be playing Chelsea.  Aside from a referee assisted win against Arsenal they really haven’t been that good.  That was funny as well.  Arsenal’s Gabriel gets sent off for some petty retaliation in a fight that was totally instigated by Diego Costa, Chelsea win the game as a result and then the FA retrospectively let Gabriel off and ban Costa for three games, starting today.  Mourinho of course bleated that ‘retaliation is now obviously allowed’ forgetting that they appealed a red card and ban against Matic last year when he reacted to an admittedly bad tackle on him by getting up and flattening the perpetrator.  They got the ban reduced by a game as a result and Mourinho was wanting the ban to get cancelled altogether, therefore allowing retaliation in his eyes.  The game Matic ‘got back’ meant he played against us last season so with Costa missing today, that’s kind of evened out.  Some say that the FA are setting a dangerous precedent with the way they handled the Costa affair but I think they’re just saying ‘Costa is a twat, Chelsea are twats, shut the fuck up and we’re not going to take it any more’.

Closer to home and on a more positive front, Ryan Bertrand has got straight back in the forthcoming England squad which is good news and deserved.  He must have a good chance of starting as well with Shaw injured and the only other left back being Keiren Gibbs who never plays for Arsenal.  It was thought that JWP might make the squad but he’s still in the under 21s.  Dele Alli got in on the back of 3 appearances for Spurs meaning that in the eyes of the senile old goat, 3 games for Spurs is better than 100 games for Saints,

Anyway, for today anyway, Romeu is in for JWP in a bit of an indication that we are being more defensively minded today.  Depends how we set up I guess.  The big news is on the other side and Captain, leader, legend, shagger, pikey, maggot John Terry is back in defence.  Two weeks ago he was shot at this level but now he’s back to cure all ills.  I like the fact that Matic is missing and that it looks like Fabregas is to be deployed as a defensive midfielder where he’s always been shite.  Falcao is in for Costa so they’re replacing a player who always wants a fight with one who won’t battle for anything.

The start of the game showed we were basically playing a 4-4-2 with Davis on the right and Mané up front against Cahill and Terry.  We’d made quite a positive start and things were looking decent and then Hazard got the ball and charged down the left until Romeu made an attempt to close him down and stop whilst accidentally on purpose bringing him down.  Mission accomplished as Hazard hit the deck but a free kick and Romeu in the book after 10 minutes.  Aside from the yellow card, it looks like a good tactical free kick to give away but William steps up and from left, curls it over all the defenders and over Stekelenburg, it hits the post about an inch below the cross bar and flies into the net.  Bloody hell.  Initial reaction is to think that Maarten messed up but even though he took a step forward, no one would be stopping that.  It’s absolutely perfect and you just have to hold your hands up to it. Willian does it too often for it just to be a ball into an area where the free kick taker got lucky.

Saints get their heads down and worked meaning Chelsea don’t scent blood and walk all over us and we have a humongous shout for a penalty on 25 minutes when Davis swings the ball in and Virgil hits the deck.  One day, the ref is going to blow his whistle and the offending player is actually going to have ripped the opposition shirt from the players back.  Ivanovic has grabbed his shirt and just stopped which means Virgil can’t actually run anywhere.  Madley is looking but gives nothing – wanker.  Ivanovic is a wanker as well – no wonder Suarez bit him.

On the half hour it’s even worse as Mané twists into the box and Ramires sticks out a leg and brings him down.  Penalty all day long and the ref puts his whistle to his lips and then bottles it.  What the fuck?  Maybe Sadio made it look worse than it was but it’s a clear bottle job.  Play goes on and 30 seconds later, Sadio gets taken out by Ivanovic, outside the box this time but the ref decides to book him for diving.  It’s complete bollocks as he’s been taken out again.  Remember the name, Robbie Madley – shit referee.

Sadio shrugs it off and plays a great ball inbetween Cahill and Ivanovic to Bertrand but he lets it run across him a bit which gives Begovic time to spread himself and save it.  Another move sees Davis put away to the right of the penalty area but as Terry throws himself in front of the ball, Davis does a standard Davis finish and slices it off target and high, wide and shite.

Unperturbed, we go forward again and José Fonte puts in a diagonal ball from deep towards Pellè who easily muscles Cahill out of the way and chests is down to Steve Davis.  I had time to see that it was Davis so I had no expectation of anything so when he smashed it past Begovic to make it 1-1 I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  He gets it on target and he scores – whatever next.  It’s his first goal since Tony Blair was in power.  If Davis scores then we’re going to win and he’s probably going to get another goal.  Come on!!!

As the first half ends, the ref finally gets one right and Ramires’ 45 minutes of fouling people finally earns him a booking.  Half time and very promising – we’ve been the better side and their defence looks scared to death of Mané.  Hazard has been quiet and Fabregas hasn’t put in a decent ball all game so far.  We certainly have a chance if only we get a decent shake from the ref who has been absolutely woeful so far.

As we restart, the teams have replaced booked players with Mourinho sending on Matic for Ramires and Koeman replacing Romeu with JWP.

We start the second half remarkably well, defending resolutely and springing forward when we can... and we can with Bertand finding Graziano in the centre circle and he sent Tadic away on the left who puts Mané clean through.  He looks offside but shoots and the keeper saves well.  Ivanovic, who is playing like a Sunday afternoon player who has had about 8 pints at lunchtime, is clearly disorientated and though facing towards the wing manages to hook the clearance back towards the goal and straight back to Sadio whose shot is blocked out to Matic who does similar and treads on the ball allowing Tadic to pinch it and line up Serbian team mate Ivanovic one on one.  He toys with the drunk bloke and sends him back to the pub for another pint and a packet of peanuts before heading towards goal and finding Mané on the penalty spot... shoots, blocked... JWP... wide.... aaaargh! Shit! Shit! Shit!  Images of an imaginary betslip with Davis and JWP to score the first two goals at 7,000,000-1 are briefly in my mind but it’s still 1-1.  The turn by Tadic was brilliant, as was seeing Ivanovic crawling after him on all fours. Come on – we can beat this shit. 

Then a major surprise as Falcao actually shows some fight.  Fabregas threads a ball through between José and Cédric and Falcao is onto it.  Fonte gets back and tries to block him to allow the ball to run through to Stekelenburg but Falcao barges past, knocks the ball wide of the keeper and then goes down.  It looks for all the world like a penalty and the whistle goes... and a yellow card comes out for a dive.  Oh... well played referee – I always thought you were a good ref Robbie.  The ref has called it perfectly... Falcao has knocked it and then dived, dragging his feet into the keeper and initiating the contact himself.  Cheating fuck.  Mourinho is pulling all sorts of histrionics on the bench.  He looks like a spoilt brat who has dropped his ice cream and his mum won’t buy him another one.  Pathetic – we can beat this shit.

And we can.... a few minutes later, England international Gary Cahill has a routine clearance to make but he decides to try and play it out and presents the ball to Tadic.  The next tackle curiously comes from Pellè who takes the ball off him and feeds it into Sadio.  John Terry has dived in like he did when Wayne Bridge went out for a pint of milk but Sadio is round him and gone and slotting it under Begovic to make it 2-1.  Terry’s face afterwards is a thing of beauty.   His face has not been a thing of beauty since he slipped on his arse taking a penalty in the Champions League final.

Mourinho sends Pedro on for Willian in response which is curious as he’s been better than all of Falcao, Hazard, Fabregas and in particular Oscar but before he has chance to justify why they nicked him off Man United, Hazard gives the ball away to Pellè, who sends Mané galloping forward and the big beautiful Italian raced forward, took Sadio’s return pass and drilled it across Begovic and into the far corner.  What a fucking goal... believe!!!!

Mourinho pulls another classic substitution and Matic, who only came on 25 minutes ago, is hauled off and Loic Remy has come on.  I’d forgotten about Remy. On what planet is Remy worse than Falcao?  Back to the game and Davis puts a ball over the top towards Sadio. It’s an 80-20 ball in Cahill’s favour but Sadio wants the ball and Cahill doesn’t.  Mané knocks the much bigger Cahill off the ball and then leaves him for dead and pulls the ball back to Tadic on the edge of the box.  A short pass inside to Davis and it’s 4-1 but he pulls it back onto his left foot and shoots, allowing Terry to block it for a corner.  Balls.  It’s his last contribution as J-Rod is on in his place.

There are still 15 minutes to go and the biggest indictment of Chelsea is that it’s easy and hardly stressful aside from one free kick from Falcao which hits the wall and over.  Sure we sit back a bit but they haven’t got anything.  Oscar lobs in hopeless cross after hopeless cross and the Remy-Falcao combination hardly gets a touch of the ball.  If a ball in is heading into the danger area then up goes Virgil or José to head it away.  There’s still the temptation to say ‘1 minute to go and 2 goals up – we might get a draw’ but that comes with the territory of being a Saints fan.  Final whistle – brilliant.

Well that was absolutely fucking glorious. Not only did we beat them, we thrashed them, we made them look second rate, Jose Mourinho had a complete meltdown and John Terry fucked up for one of the goals. Perfect. We also overcame one of the worst refereeing displays I've ever seen in the first half though in truth, he refereed the second-half really well. In Mourinho's post match interview he started off sounding like he was going to be quite contrite and give us credit but then he just went into one about the referee and the penalty he feels they should've had for Falcao's dive. He can't have seen the reply so why on earth are you stating something as a fact when you can't possibly know. It just makes you look like a twat and boy, did Jose look like a twat. As I said at the start, I actually quite like Jose Mourinho but when he is in this mood he's just a petulant spoilt little twat.  He seems to think that the deflection tactics of ranting about referees and not letting the reporter ask any questions is going to mask the fact that his team was shite yet again and was out played in this case and deserved to lose. Anyone with half a brain doesn't fall for that shit.  He didn't want to comment about the two penalties we should've had in the first half and the unfair booking that Mané got.  True to form and as with the retaliation issue mentioned at the start, he only sees it one way and expects everyone to believe his one eyed version of events. Fuck off Jose.  I find it amusing in the extreme that Ryan Bertrand and Oriol Romeu are playing for us at Stamford Bridge and winning.  Both would have made Chelsea better today instead of Fabregas and Ivanovic but then, neither would have been picked.

But enough of Mourinho and Chelsea. The media will go to town on it so much over the next few days that you'll actually wonder who it was they were playing. Saints were absolutely brilliant today, almost from (almost) the first whistle to the last. Once we got into our stride and recovered from the early free kick, we were absolutely superb all over the pitch. At the back, Jose Fonte and Virgil van Dijk look like a partnership made in heaven. Every ball that Chelsea hopefully tossed into the box in the last 20 minutes, up went Virgil or José to head it away.  Ryan Bertrand makes a huge difference to the side and Cedric was strong again defensively.   Behind them, Maarten Stekelenburg looked completely untroubled.

Tadic had some frustrating moments, not least when he should have passed the ball to Davis to make it 4-1 but I’ll forgive him anything for the bit of play that left Ivanovic crawling. Steven Davis marked his recent improvement and it's remarkable that if you occasionally get a shot on target you will actually occasionally score. It was a goal from an unexpected source but today was that kind of day. Big Vic must also smile at the fact that Ramíres had to go off and then Matic only lasted 25 minutes before he was replaced as well.  In addition to that, Fabregas did nothing so if that's not a victory for the big man then I don't know what is. JWP made a difference when he came on, passing the ball well and contributing to the momentum that we had in the opening half an hour of the second half. Romeu did a good job but had to come off after his early booking as at the time, the referee looked like he was looking for any excuse to book Saints players. The jewels in the crown today though were the forwards with Sadio Mané, after not touching the ball for the first 20 minutes, being absolutely unplayable and making Gary Cahill and John Terry look incredibly ponderous and slow and let's face it, shit.  Last but not least there was Graziano with two assists and a fantastic finish.  If Mané had Cahill on toast with his pace then Graziano just smashed him all over the place with his physical presence and desire to win the ball, hold it up and keep us moving. When he is on this form, he is an absolutely wonderful footballer.

What a great day for Ronald Koeman and from a tactical point of view. Switching to 4-4-2 worked like a dream. I wonder if he changed to that formation when he discovered before kick-off that the slower Terry was playing instead of Kurt Zouma, thus allowing Sadio to play through the middle as opposed to on the right wing.  I think today will be the death of Terry and Cahill as a partnership – no wonder they wanted to sign John Stones.  Ronald used his post match press conference to knock Mourinho’s assertions about referees out of the park, saying that if he wants to talk about penalties then maybe the score is 5-2 to us.

Onward into the international break before we return with a home game against Leicester and an away game at Liverpool and another chance to record an overdue win against that smug disrespectful tosser Brendan Rodgers... oh wait... he’s been fired.  I guess that quarter of a billion spent and the team being no better than when he started was always going to catch up with him in the end.  Bye Brendan – you deserve all you get.  I was really hoping that we’d win at Anfield and he’d get sacked straight afterwards but this will do, even though we’ll be playing against a new manager and they’ll be better because of that.  This may seem petty but Rodgers sacking made an amazing weekend even better.  I feel sorry for whatever team ends up with him next.

So in summary, Saints win at Chelsea, Terry fucks up, Mourinho has a meltdown, & Rodgers gets sacked.  Not many weekends will be as good as this one. Enjoy!