The Secret Diary of Nathan Jones aged 49 1/2 - Part 2

 

The Secret Diary of Nathan Jones aged 49 1/2 - Part 2

Wednesday:

Metrics meeting today with Rasmus, who tried to tell me that one of my key metrics was 'verticality' - something about going from back to front quickly and accurately.  Maybe it’s the Danish to Welsh language barrier but we are clearly talking at cross purposes and I had to remind him that where I come from, a Welsh mining village, vertical means straight up in the fucking air and with the greatest respect, I'm the best in Europe at that.

Did some media training that Rasmus said I had to go on after telling the truth at Brentford. The two main messages from the course were to "not make it all about me" and “less is more”. I am from a Welsh mining village where you have to work for everything you get and you don’t get anything if you don’t make it all about yourself. Thanks for the advice but I’ll do it my way, no compromise.

Press-day tomorrow.  Will be interested to see if any journos have the bollocks to bring up Neil Warnock’s criticism. With the greatest respect, I’m still not happy about that. Looking forward to the presser though as Chris Cohen & Alan Sheehan have offered to buy me dinner if I can say the word “potent”, ten times.

Thursday:

Presser just focused on when I told my truth at Brentford. Everyone seemed mildly irritated. Tried to explain that I was taking responsibility. I thought that was obvious at the time, but those press bastards reckon they have direct quotes and video evidence. Clearly heard the local Echo journo force a sneeze and say 'bullshit' at the same time.  The Athletic says my xBullshit rating is one of the highest ever seen on any wagon wheel bicycle wheel spoke chart thing.

Anyway, had a good go but I allegedly lost the potent challenge as they wouldn’t let me have “potency” which I used 5 times. Bloody ridiculous. It’s a technicality so I’m counting this as a win towards my win ratio.  

No one asked but I took the opportunity during an unrelated answer, to talk about my playing career, when I was the fittest human ever in history. Statistically, I was well fit. Tino Livramento could learn from me… and that Armel Caleta-Kotchcar. Let it slip that Welsh women aren’t all that and only suitable for blokes from Wales, if they have no ambition to get out.

Played the Champions League on FIFA on the PlayStation at Staplewood.  Won it of course playing as Luton on 3-5-2 Direct.  Will make it the main lesson of training tomorrow.

Semmens brought a leaving card round for me to sign because the media training officer has resigned.

Friday:

In training today, Tall Paul was shit at controlling balls pumped up the pitch from 70 yards away. He was trying to say he was only 6 foot 7 not 16 foot 7. Half a game in the Premier League and he’s telling me that. Would never have happened at Luton, not with Mick Harford to back me up. He’s proper hard, not like that Doug Croatia-Car who keeps making throat-slitting gestures at me in training for some reason.

That new 22 million quid winger told me that he doesn’t want to play at wingback, which is an absolute fucking liberty. No one seems to understand that it’s not the Southampton way any more.  It’s the Nathan Jones way or the fucking highway. No compromise. Statistically, in Europe, it’s the best way.

Spoke to a guy called Henrik today. I have no idea who the fuck he is. Told me that my department was not aligned to the other departments at the club. Don’t know what the fuck he was talking about to tell you the truth. Told him that it sounded like a ‘you’ problem and sent him on his way. I’m not compromising for anybody anymore. My xC is really low… everyone tells me it’s really high though. I don’t get it. xC is ‘expected compromise’ isn’t it?

Generously offered the Croatian lads a place in the B team for tonight. Didn't know what they said but typed it into Google Translate and it might have been “go fuck yourself, you twat”.

Saturday:

Rasmus told me that he wanted more atmosphere in the ground today. I told him that we want less atmosphere as it’s easier for us to get the ball up in the fucking clouds if there is no gravity. I’m always trying to find that edge. My xEdge metric was off the scale in Europe when I was at Luton.

No compromise today, so five at the back and I picked Janny B again. ROFL. From him right through to a 7 foot centre forward, I can now see myself in this team. Just to keep everyone on their toes I’ve picked seven attackers out of nine on the bench. No room for Doug Croatia-Car or Massive Ostrich again who with the greatest respect, should’ve taken me up on my offer to play for the B team yesterday.  Picked Theo Walcott again because like me, he was the fittest human being ever, back in 2006.

They lost 2–1 lolz. Wolves had 10 men for an hour which made it harder.  The “Janny Bree” wall of steel did well though.  They would have got a point today but Ward-Prowse passed a last minute free kick instead of shooting.  Said to me afterwards that he was thinking about the bigger picture.  Dunno what he meant.

Used the Match of the Day interview to highlight how much of a detriment to them it was to play against 10 men statistically, especially when they play the Best of Europe brand of football that I favour.  They wanted to keep the ball and make Wolves work harder but I refused because I don’t want to compromise for anyone.

There was a crowd of possibly Welsh women shouting “get out of our club” as I left. They seemed upset about something.

Sunday:

Got called into Rasmus office early doors. I assume HR are here cos this is to talk about the appointment of a new media training officer who is more in line with my vision for the role. Toby from Accounts looks like he's been crying and he has a cheque book with him.  Fuck knows why I have to be in here this early though. Surely it can wait.

Sacked. Smashed up the place. Chair through the window and all sorts.

Stunned. They won’t get anyone better than me, with my metrics.  HR want me to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Fuck knows why they needs that as I’m always very careful with what I say, I’ve got the “Keeping Secrets and Discretion” badge from the Welsh Mining Village Scouts..

Updated my LinkedIn profile with my win ratio. Included the game of FIFA I won at Staplewood playing as Luton, and the Wolves game yesterday doesn’t count because they only had 10 so it was more difficult.  The win ratio will be a vital metric for when I apply for Bournemouth job when it comes up next week, and the house I've just bought is down there.  

Deleting the Diary... if there's no evidence, it didn't happen.

With the Greatest Respect,
The End.