"I'm the biggest twat... no I'm the biggest twat"Dagenham and Redbridge. Yep. Tonight we are playing Dagenham and Redbridge.... in the League. A sobering reminder of how far we’ve fallen but I prefer to look at it the other way round and admire the team that have come from non-league with no money and are now in the 3rd tier of English football. Fair play to you and well done and I hope we absolutely muller you out of sight.
The Notts County match was one indifferent performance too many from Schneiderlin and Puncheon and they were replaced with Alex Chamberlain and Richard Chaplow. The rest of the team was unchanged with Frazer Richardson making his SMS debut at right back.
I had had a nightmare getting to the game from work in Brighton, having been delayed half an hour in Chichester by a van that had crashed on one of the 40 roundabouts on the A27. As I made it into the ground at 7.45 exactly and didn’t miss anything, I could now smile at the fact that the offending van had an ‘I’m following Pompey’ sticker in the back window. My lateness meant I missed the warm-up injury suffered by Tony Roberts who was supposed to be in goal for the Daggers – he was replaced by a lad called Lewington who was making his debut.
Away we go and straight away, Saints look like they mean business with Chamberlain getting in the first cross which was kind of pawed away by Lew the Flapper with Chaplow closing in. The next time Lew touched the ball, his clearance kick kind of ballooned up into the sky and didn’t go very far. So that’s catching and kicking that he’s not very good at – I wonder if he can save a direct shot ? Saints were using the wings well and Barnard was on the end of another accurate Chamberlain cross but his effort was blocked. It wasn’t all Chambo though as Deano rumbled forward from midfield and fired over a great ball which was just in front of Lallana.
We still hadn’t found out if Lew the Flapper had any bsic goalkeeping skills and we went 1-0 up. Chamberlain had sprinted down the wing and put over a cross which had somehow gone over the top of Lew (who was doing a very flappy impersonation of a flightless bird) and dropped into the net via a despairing flap of the keepers hand. Obviously this was a bit of a fluke and the look on Alex’s face kind of gave this impression but never mind – we’ll have it. (The Official site seems to think that he meant it). Frazer Richardson fired a great crossfield ball to Lallana who headed it back across to where Lew had a flap, just before Sir Rickie arrived and flattened him. Lew was not having much fun on his big day and Alex was on fire and he was soon flying down the wing again, past the full back and sending over a superb cross to give Lallana a headed opportunity which he made a complete balls of, heading into the Northam End. Hmmm – a winger who can go past people at pace and whip in accurate crosses. It’s a bit better than having to swap over to your good foot before chipping in to no one in particular.
Of the players who had come into the side, we had Alex who was flying and Chappers who was having a storming start to the game, being very dynamic in winning tackles and driving forward in exactly the same way that Paul Wotton doesn’t.... and then we had Frazer Richardson who, odd decent ball aside, was looking every inch a player who has hardly played for 5 months, being very laboured and giving the ball away with metronomic regularity. This lack of care seemed to speared to the whole side who for a 20 minute spell, looked very dodgy and gave the Daggers a few half chances which they in the main, didn’t get anywhere near the goal. In defence, Danny Seaborne was showing up well, continuing his crusade to prove me wrong and fair play to him. I’d still like to see him stand out defensively against a good side but today, with only sporadic threat to deal with, he’s playing well and most of the time his passing out of defence is pretty good too.
The Daggers travelling army, all 200 of them belt out a truly pathetic version of the Pompey Chimes which I don’t reckon anyone in the Chapel End will actually have heard. It got me thinking though – who are the big rivals of Dagenham and Redbridge? Answers on a postcard please. Come to think of it, who cares ?
It’s all got a bit mundane and I have one of those Nostradamus moments when I comment out loud that Chaplow and Chamberlain both started well but have gone a bit quiet when Sir Rickie nods down a Richardson throw in and Chambo flies down the wing again, looks up and brilliantly chips Lew the Flapper for 2-0. No doubt that he meant that one. I’ll shut up then.
Once the game had restarted I then heard one of the most astonishing pieces of moaning I have ever heard from the thick Chuckle Brother. In his nauseating whiny voice he said “this is no good, we’ve needed a kid to score two goals – what have our experienced players done?”. I just shook my head – unbelievable. The questions running through my mind are - Why does he bother coming to football ?, why does he exist ?, what is the point of him ?, do his family all hate him ? We’re 2-0 up, it’s not half time yet and a 17 year old has scored 2 goals, all is right with the world pretty much. Shut the fuck up.
Half time and my Dad who has just got back from America with no sleep for the past day and a half, is quite clearly struggling to stay awake, despite us winning and despite the annoying whining shit behind us.
The start of the 2nd half is relatively quiet until Lallana latches on to another Sir Rickie knock down, skips a tackle and squares it for Barnard to smash home. The scorer gives the Northam a clenched fist salute which is all he can do as he still has his plaster cast on. As an aside, a friend of mine broke his thumb once up the dry ski slope at the Sports Centre and had his hand in a cast, similar to Barnard’s. He said that the single most difficult thing was trying to wipe his arse left handed so spare a thought for Lee Barnard...
Moving on... and again we are flying down the wings and again it is Deano who has found himself cutting in off the right flank and squaring to Sir Rickie who again, fails to turn the clock back a year and scuffs it wide. It’s more or less his last contribution as he and Barnard are replaced with The Gulyman and Darren Bignall. The Chuckle Brother who makes duck noises in his rolled up programme has been mercifully quiet with just the odd outpouring of unfunny bollocks but when Guly comes on he’s very vocally telling everyone how to pronounce his name even though no one has asked. Chuckle has a foreign accent so he may well speak perfect Portuguese so apparently you have to roll the ‘R’ in Prado. Good, thanks, moron.
Bignall has a decent chance which is blocked before Chambo has a run on the left, skins the full back and stands up a brilliant left footed cross right onto the forehead of Jose Fonte who cannot miss. Jose had decided to loaf around up front as he was bored at the back but the issue is that it’s brilliant wing play by Chamberlain, crossing first time, on the run, with his wrong foot and straight onto someones head.
The Daggers bring on a player called Finney (I think) and we get another lesson in pronounciation from my asshole friend. “It’s Finneeeeeeee, Finneeeeeeeee”. Morgan comes on to allow Alex the standing ovation he deserves and we have no further grammar lessons, just Bignall going close twice more and Morgan totally failing to get the booking he needed to miss the cup game on Saturday and no league fixtures. The game kind of peters out with the odd nice touch from The Gulyman but it’s job done, 3 points, flying up the league.
This really was ridiculously easy and in truth, if we’d needed to, we could have scored double the 4 that we got. If you are reading this you Chuckle Brother Morons, that’s 8. Alex will get all the attention and rightly so but there’s no point in worrying about it alerting bigger clubs as they will all know already. On a night when our last prodigy, Gareth Bale, ran the current Champions League holders ragged, it’s somehow fitting that our latest wonder kid announced himself fully. Nigel was right to be a little bit critical of the team in his post match interview as there were sections in each half when we were poor and resorted to kicking the ball away rather than keeping possession. The league table is worth mentioning as we have moved up to 6th place in are now in the playoff positions, one place above the Moaning Dorset Bastards who drew tonight, yet again “outplaying the opposition, unlucky, didn’t get what we deserved, poor refereeing decision” – Copyright E.Howe.
So, bring on the FA Cup on Saturday against Shrewsbury – I’ve got my ticket and it cost £15, my Dad’s cost a tenner and my son’s cost a fiver. Thanks to Don Nicola and the FA, Saints and Shrewsbury will get £15 each from me whereas if the Shrews had had their way with the prices, no one would have got anything. The last time I took my lad, we were truly dreadful against Swindon in the JPT, so on Saturday it had better be different....
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