FA Cup 2nd Round - Southampton 3 Cheltenham 0

It’s the 2nd Round of the FA Cup and it’s fucking cold. Cheltenham are in town with the obvious carrot of being one game from a potential money spinning draw against one of the big boys. Money of course, is what it’s all about these days and how I love that attitude. If the mighty SFC get through this one, I want Dover at home – you can keep your big boys and sit at home and take your Sky Sports contract, roll it up and stick it up your arse.

The Kingsland stand is once again reserved exclusively for ball boys, so instead of sitting in the Northam, I have opted for the Itchen Stand and after going up the wrong aisle, I have to make about 30 people stand up so I can barge past them to my seat. The first thing I notice when finally in my seat, is the back of Dan Harding’s head as I’m right behind the dugouts.

To the team and it’s all a bit mix and match with Holmes coming in for Chamberlain to see if he can translate decent sub appearances to playing from the start and The Gulyman coming in for Barnard to increase his cold weather training. In central midfield, the suspension of Schneiderlin and the injury to Chaplow means a first start for a couple of years for Oscar Gobern who should be wearing Number 7 as he is about 7 feet tall and weighs about 7 stone. Nigel has also decided that this would be an ideal game for The Bartman and he’s in goal with Superkelv taking a seat just in front of me, dressed as an Eskimo. If the bench last week resembled a kindergarten, today is resembles a nursery with baby changing facilities with Aaron Martin, Ryan Doble, Alex Chamberlain and Ben Reeves on there.

Cheltenham have a fair few fans here and must have been hopeful of an upset, given their manager’s pre-match promise of them having a right go. Immediately after the start, they are having a right go at making a balls of it when their right back dawdles along and the intended pass to him is intercepted by Dickson who drives forward and squares for Lallana to tuck under the keeper for 1-0, five minutes gone.
Bart is called into action a moment later, not to save a shot but to save Jose Fonte who has been shoved into him by a Cheltenham forward. As Bart receives treatment, Superkelv takes off some of his Eskimo gear and does a few stretches at the side of the pitch – I bet he really does not want to go on. Luckily for Bart and for Superkelv, Bart recovers and on we go.

Dickson and Lallana are running riot down the left hand side and the former sets up the latter to cut in and curl one just wide of the far post with the keeper watching on like the defence and the rest of the spectators. Dickson then manages the trick of not getting booked after completely carting someone up in the air which was quite frankly, ridiculous refereeing.

Another player making his first start for a while is of course, Lee Holmes who is just getting into the game, having had a couple of decent bursts forward when he did what he usually does and went in for a challenge and came out sitting on his ar, holding his ankle. After five minutes treatment off the pitch and a forlorn attempt to run it off, he’s replaced with Alex Chamberlain whose rest has lasted all of 20 minutes. It’s a shame for Holmes but sadly, it’s completely typical and you just know that that’s the last we’ll see of him until February at the earliest.

Saints are dominating the game with Hammond putting himself about strongly to make up for the rather tentative Gobern who is barely getting involved other than to have Bambi on ice moments when the signals from his brain seem to take too long to travel the seven foot to his feet. Dominating we may be but no more goals for now, just Richardson breaking up a Saints attack by hoofing the ball out of play and hobbling straight down the tunnel to be replaced by Danny Butterfield just before half time.
The half time whistle blows and it’s still cold. As the players come off, it’s hard not to notice that The Gulyman looks particularly miserable. Emerging from the tunnel and Harding is on for Sir Rickie which means that Chambo has gone up front with Guly and Dickson has pushed up to left wing with Adam on the right. I expect he’s got a slight knock but it’s another disappointing performance from Sir Rickie and it would have been nice to see him end the drought in the 2nd half. Not to be though and surely Cheltenham would attack a bit more in the next 45.

Unsurprisingly, it was Saints who came out fastest as Chamberlain flew down the right and stood up a cross to where Oscar Gobern didn’t need to jump to head in. Easy – oh hang on a minute, the ref’s disallowed it for the Peter Crouch rule which states that if you are tall and awkward looking, then you will not be allowed to win any header without a free kick being given against you.

I do a spot of dugout watching for the next five minutes or so as Nigel Adkins and Andy Crosby take it in turns to race into the technical area and have a word with a player. Compare and contrast with Mark Yates of Cheltenham who spends all his time berating the 4th official in desperate fashion. What gets me is that he is arguing about decisions which are 100% nailed on correct by the ref. Why not stop doing that you berk and actually commit some players forward to try and get a goal?

Mark’s misery is complete as Lallana twists himself into space for the 20th time in this match and crosses onto the head of The Gulyman who heads in rather awkwardly off of the back of his head for 2-0 and game well and truly over. Despite scoring, he still looks kind of cold and miserable. Having sewn up the game, there was an unforeseen turn of events when Cheltenham had an attack and the ball fell to Wes Thomas six yards out but as he pulled the trigger, Fonte appeared out of nowhere and blocked it. Bart had thrown himself full length and had therefore got his kit dirty for the first and only time.

It was one way traffic for the rest of the game when despite playing at half pace, Saints created chance after chance. Dickson and Lallana were still combining well despite now being on opposite sides of the pitch with Lallana attempting a goal of the season volley from Dicko’s cross which flew just wide. Neat combination play put Chambo through the middle but he got too close to the keeper who smothered the shot. The third goal was a matter of time though and Lallna crossed, a flick on by Deano and Gobern headed in again – this time the ref couldn’t even invoke the Crouch rule.

The one sour note to the game was that Jose Fonte then needlessly got himself booked by pulling back a forward who’d ran past him and therefore got his 5th booking of the season. He obviously didn’t fancy Hartlepool away next week and it would serve him right if it got postponed because of the snow. This one bad moment was followed by some comedy gold as Ryan Dickson thought he was possessed by the spirit of a much better footballer and attempted to chip a ball up so he could attempt an overhead scissor kick swivel volley thing. To be honest, I don’t know what you call it but it flew into the Chapel anyway.

Full time and happy days and through to the 3rd Round. As the players leave the Coliseum to get out of the cold and start defrosting, Andy Crosby congratulates them all on a job well done, pausing only to rip the p out of Ryan Dickson – I assume for the chip up overhead volley, miles over the bar effort. The Gulyman looks like he’s rather be on a beach in Rio and who can blame him.

Three nil and job done and we took care of business in the building as Nigel would say. In truth this was incredibly easy and I wouldn’t be remotely happy if I was a Cheltenham fan as they didn’t even make a game of it, never getting numbers forward or giving Bart anything to do. In addition to that, it was fucking freezing which I believed I may have mentioned before. Still, from our point of view it’s better to have a boring win than a boring defeat, of which I have witness many over the years.

A slight worry is that we lost three players injured today. Sir Rickie and Richardson should be ok for the next match but Holmes’ curse has struck again and I bet he’ll be out for three months. Definitely out next week is Jose Fonte who managed to get his fifth booking of the season today so it’ll be Martin or Seaborne alongside Jaidi next week at Hartlepool. It’ll be bloody cold up there – rumour has it that they don’t have a centre circle, they have the Arctic Circle.

The benefit of being a bit slow to get this blog entry written is that I know the draw for the 3rd Round and we are at home to Blackpool which I think is a decent fixture and they’ve got Brett Ormerod. They’re a Premier League side but one which I feel we could beat. I’d rather be playing them than Man Utd or Chelsea, that’s for sure. I’ve seen some negative reaction to the draw from some of our fans and it makes me despair a bit. If you can afford it and can make it, buy a ticket and get down to SMS and support the lads.... and we may get to see Jason Euell (football genius) demonstrate why he was our highest earning player, ever (I think).

League 1 Match 18 - Southampton 0 Brighton 0

Brighton at home and does anyone want to hear about my journey from Brighton where I work... ok then. I managed to leave an hour early at 4pm and I got home to Hedge end at 6.45pm via the backstreets of Worthing – the place where traffic goes to die – and Chichester where the queues were the same, only more posh. 7.44 and into St Mary’s I go. I like it when the away end is full as it instantly raises the game above the norm with the banter flying back and forth with the Brighton fans leading the way and the Northam replying with chants that all seem to have a ‘bum’ reference them. I wonder why.

Disaster on the team news front with Chappers pulling out injured to be replaced by Schneiderlin. Connolly is not on the bench for reasons unknown and those two dropping out leaves a bench resembling a kindergarten with Aaron Martin, Ryan Doble and Oscar Carlton Palmer Gobern on there.

Away we go and we start well, pushing forward and forcing Brighton back. Brighton want to play however and are taking some serious chances playing it around their back four with a confidence that far outweighs their ability. Barnard, Lallana and Hammond are all snapping into tackles as Brighton piss about with it and it’s looking very encouraging. Not wanting to play though is Brighton keeper Ankergren who is warned by the ref for wasting time after two minutes! Five minutes in and Deano, generating serious stick from the Brighton fans every time he touches it, is hacked down on the edge of the box. Sir Rickie takes it and it’s heading to the bottom corner but Wankergren gets down and it bobbles off his hand, onto the post and away for a corner.

When Saints have the ball, Brighton are very cynical with Chamberlain in particular being on the end of body checks and shirt holding. We also get the first ‘handbags’ we’ve had at SMS for a while as Barnard doesn’t touch the keeper but Greer decides he’s going to get in his face and try and make something of it. Fancy a drink at the White House afterwards mate ?

On twenty minutes SMS collectively gasped as an elephant thundered up the pitch in the form of Radhi Jaidi who intercepted and set off on a gallop, playing the ball to Barnard and continuing his run to meet Barney’s cross with a header that flew predictably wide, which was a shame as it would of been one of the great SMS goals had it gone in.

Deano was running the midfield and found himself storming past players on the right wing before Brighton got cynical again and Battipiedi grabbed a hand full of shirt rather than try to make a challenge and got himself deservedly booked. It was all Saints at this point with Schneiderlin, playing further forward than usual, playing in Lallana who shot straight at Wankergren.

More shots flying in and some determined and committed defending from Brighton with El-Abd getting himself badly injured in the process and it taking ages to stretcher him off. Obviously he was badly hurt but it played into Brighton’s hands a bit as it broke up the play at a time when Saints were totally dominant. The sense of annoyance was heightened five minutes later when Lallana was clearly fouled in the box but neither ref or linesman were interested.

Schneiderlin is trying to put himself about but manages to clatter a bloke over by the dugouts. It’s not too bad and to be fair, the Brighton player doesn’t make a meal of it but the Brighton bench jump up and down and wave their arms about until the ref books him. They must be very very proud of themselves. Having been booked, Morgan then displays total idiocy by pulling back a guy who has run past him. I have no real idea how he got away with that and whilst the place would have gone nuts if he’s been given a second yellow, there was no argument really. Luckily it was over the other side of the pitch from all the Brighton bench arm waving and imaginary card brandishing.

There were four minutes of injury time to make up for the eight minute injury and the five minute time wasting by Wankergren but not a lot happened aside from a decent chance falling to Dicker but his deflected shot was well pawed away by Superkelv and so we went in at 0-0.

We manufactured a very good chance in the 50th minute when Richardson, getting forward more and more, took a Schneiderlin pass and swung over a peach of a cross onto the head of Sir Rickie eight yards out who rose like a salmon ... I mean a whale and headed over the bar. Bad, Bad miss I’m afraid. A Free header from that close in a tight game really has to hit the net.

Brighton’s mindset was again shown up when Ashley Barnes was substituted. He walked at snails pace towards the dug out and the ref ran over and warned him, to which he responded by not going and faster so the ref booked him. Unbelieveably, he still didn’t speed up so the ref really should have sent him off which would have been worth it just to see the Brighton bench do all the flapping movements they had been doing all game.

And then, potential disaster as Brighton broke down the right and worked it infield to where Murray ran across Dickson and went down in the area, nowhere near the ball. The flag of doom went square across the linesman’s chest...penalty. Mild mannered Radhi was so incensed he managed to talk his way into the book and after much discussion with the ref, presumably about the identical one we didn’t get given in the first half, up stepped Chris Wood... only for Superkelv to fly across and push it away. Ha! Twas a good save but a comfortable one really – go the right way and you’ll save it. It was neither high enough or hard enough but who cares. Let’s push on.

Double substitution ahoy on 75 minutes with Holmes and The Gulyman on for Barnard and Schneiderlin with the hope that they would combine as effectively as on Saturday. A corner was the best that they could come up with and from it, Brighton broke and Richardson cleared the resulting cross away as he faced one of those horrible decisions like the one facing Dan Harding a couple of weeks ago. Luckily he chose not to stick it in his own net.

By this time I’d have taken a draw as we seemed to be spent. Jaidi in particular was completely knackered, managing to find new ways to not get the ball clear. I thought for a moment that Aaron Martin was being summoned to replace him but eventually Butterfield came on for Chamberlain for the last 5 minutes with what I assume was a brief to shut down our right hand side. It was somewhat alarming to see a Brighton player with the freedom of that side of the pitch whilst he got his bearings.

Lallana put Guly through but he was offside in Waigo-esque circumstances and so the final whistle went and our six match winning run at SMS was over.

0-0 and disappointed to be honest. We kind of blew it by not scoring in the first half when we were totally on top and the second half was more of a struggle as Brighton sorted themselves out. It would have been a complete travesty if they’d won it with the penalty and thanks to Superkelv, they didn’t. It’s somewhat ironic that there were two near identical penalty shouts in the game – they got theirs, we didn’t get ours so maybe we should get all Celtic about it and cause a referee strike. Nigel was as annoyed as I’ve ever heard him in an interview, not very impressed with the antics of the Brighton bench but he was pleased with our first half and rightly so. I didn’t think we played well in the second half and as the game wore on, I felt it became more important for us not to lose. Overall though – we should have won, we deserved to have won.... but we nearly lost.

As for Brighton – well they were one of the most unlikeable outfits I’ve seen in recent times at SMS, from the time wasting, the cynical play, the histrionics from the bench, the histrionics from the players. What’s the rule this season with goalkeepers ? How long can they hold it before rolling it out and kicking it. Ankergren earned the silent ‘W’ in front of his name with his pushing of whatever the rule is to the limit from the first minute of the game. That said, the referee who warned him in the 2nd minute, should have booked him in the 5th minute when he did it again and then the problem would have been sorted. Still – they’re top and fair play to them and they’ve got a draw from one of their most difficult fixtures of the season – grudging praise I have to admit.

Cheltenham at home in the FA Cup on Saturday and I expect we’ll see a few fringe players given a run out such as Holmes and The Gulyman. If Chappers is still injured then we may well see Oscar Gobern given that Scheneiderlin is banned and Wotton is nothing but a fond memory. I have tickets just in front of the Directors section in the Itchen so I’m expecting a game where the smell wafting around is of aftershave and prawn sandwiches as opposed to the Kingsland where the smell is of piss and Werthers Originals.

League 1 Match 17 - Southampton 4 Peterborough 1

Saints spank Posh on the Arse

Today is the 125th anniversary of the Saints being formed and it’s the 42nd anniversary of me being born. My age is relevant as I find it quite worrying that I can clearly remember Saints 100th anniversary game versus Everton at home – we were shite and lost 2-0.

News of the week was Jason Puncheon going out on loan to Millwall, becoming part of that curious phenomenon where a player is deemed not good enough for us in League 1 but good enough for a Championship side (Joseph Mills, Simon Gillett, Wayne Thomas). On the face of it, it’s a bit odd to loan out a player who has started all bar 3 of the games this season but I’m not too disappointed to be honest as this season, he has produced nothing of note and has proven time and again to have no brain whatsoever. His record of having 7 clubs by 23 years old is a bit of a worry as well.

The team showed a couple of changes and I’m pleased to say that for once, I called them right. Barnard came in for Schneiderlin and we reverted to 4-4-2 with Ryan Dickson coming in after the ‘Dan Harding Comedy Hour’ from last week. Mysteriously, Dan Seaborne didn’t even make the bench so his reward for proving he’s not shite is to be left out altogether. Could be injured of course but that didn’t stop Holmes and Connolly making the bench. In the pre-match warm up, the two of them were acclimatising by taking turns lying on a stretcher, waving to the crowd.

All the matches seem to start the same way with Saints on the offensive and not scoring. Alex Chamberlain flew past the full back in exactly the way that Punch doesn’t and crossed on the run straight to a Saints player in exactly the way that Punch doesn’t. Lallana’s volley at the near post was well blocked by the highly rated Lewis in the Posh goal. I say highly rated as he’s in the England set up and has been in the full squad alongside goalkeeping greats such as Ben Foster and Rob Green and oh dear.

For the next ten minutes it’s like the Alamo but still no goals as Barnard has a shot hooked off the line and Fonte climbs well to direct a header straight at the highly Rated one. It’s Sir Rickie time from a free kick but for the 12th time in a row, he clears the wall, the keeper doesn't move and it flicks the side netting and we all go ‘oooooooh’. A quick look up sees Craig Mackail-Smith easily brush Fonte off and head through on goal – piss off – he tries to bend one high into the corner but Superkelv to the rescue and we have been spared conceding a goal from their first foray into our half.

Sir Rickie is causing my friends the Chuckle Brothers to have a moan up at him when right on cue, he controls and slides a ball to Barnard who has a lot to do but from the right hand side of the edge of the area, smashes a shot into the top corner and the Highly Rated one can only wave it goodbye. Time for some floodgates I feel but not before half time and we go in 1-0 up.

At half time there is a parade around the edge of the pitch by all the groups that Saints support in the community. I did wonder at one point if it was going to be over by the time the 150th anniversary came round but it was nice to see so many more people than you get in Fratton Park on an average Saturday afternoon.

Another fast start to the proceedings and within five minutes the game is over. Firstly, Ryan Dickson hit what looked like a shit cross but time stood still as Jose Fonte outjumped the defender and is downward header kind of apologised its way into the net. Strange goal but there was nothing strange about the next goal other than that it was a product of our central midfield as Deano found himself gallivanting down the right wing before hitting a lovely cross to where Chaplow arrived to crash it left footed into the net. 3-0 and having it large. Great goal.

Barnard was immediately substituted as his long term injury that wasn't caused in a nightclub was giving him grief on on came the Gulyman to try and prove he could play in the cold. It also gave the fucking moron Chuckle Brother another uninvited opportunity to tell us how to pronounce his name. Fuck off. Unfortuntely for Guly though, the game was won and so we had 20 minutes of nondescript crap, only punctuated by Radhi Jaidi proving there is a world of difference between a clearance header (of which he is the master) and heading at goal (at which he is nothing short of diabolical). The game needed something to wake it up again and for this reason alone, we should be grateful that Aaron McLean ran through, held off a piss weak challenge from Fonte and fired in for 3-1.

The unlikely catalyst for us waking up was Lee Holmes who came on for Chamberlain and embarked a game to see how many clear chances he could set The Gulyman up with in the twenty minutes that remained. Playing on the wrong side (the right), he immediately crushed my assertion that he had no right foot by perfectly picking out Guly with a cross which he headed well but the Highly Rated one justified his billing with a great save. Highly Rated or not – he wasn't going to save the next Holmes-Guly effort as he curled in a free kick which Guly flicked goalwards, down and in for 4-1 and game over, again. The Chuckle Brother with the Guly obsession decides to give it the big Brazilian ‘Goooooooooooooooooal’ celebration which is actually really annoying as he only wants people to look at him. I don’t and nor do those in my row. Listen carefully to the match commentary and you may be able to hear ten people saying ‘wanker’.

It really should have been five a couple of minutes later as Holmes slid through a lovely ball to put Guly one v one against the keeper. Obviously put off by the reputation heading towards him, Guly shat himself and rolled it wide. Crap but it didn’t matter. So, three key passes to create chances by Lee Holmes or rather, three more key passes than Punch has managed all season.

4-1 and it could have been 10. Easy and very well played. Nigel Adkins is a happy bunny after the game and so are the SMS faithful – even the Chuckle Brother Moaning Twat who sits behind me. In his post match interview, Nigel hints at signings in January and gives unconditional approval to Nicola Cortese which is good to hear. Of course, he can’t say otherwise if he values his friends and family but it’s good to hear nonetheless.

The guys that came into the side today all had good games. Ryan Dickson adds pace and thrust that Harding doesn’t and despite giving the ball away a couple of times, played well enough to get a run in the side and of course, he put over the cross for Jose’s goal, even though I suspect it’s not the best cross he’ll ever hit. Lee Holmes had obviously been listening when Nigel was delivering his ‘Impact’ lecture to the class and he was excellent when he came on, setting up one goal and playing The Gulyman clean through for his nightmare moment. It’s worth remembering that Holmes would not have been on the bench if Punch hadn’t have moved on, proving that you can motivate someone by clearing players out, rather than just being obsessed by bringing players in. Just stay fit for a bit Lee.

Bets part of the performance for me was watching how Hammond and Chaplow played together in central midfield. There’s a better combination in there now with Hammond defending and keeping it simple and Chaplow bombing forward. This is in direct contrast to the Hammond-Schneiderlin combination where Scheneiderlin stayed back and Hammond went forward – neither with much ability to do these jobs.

Next up we have Brighton at home who are still top of the league but are just starting to wobble a little bit. It could be a good time to play them as we’ve won 6 on the bounce at home but I remember looking forward to the game against them last year when we got completely outplayed and stuffed by a far better side. As I work in Brighton, I am looking forward to leaving at 5pm and fighting my way along the A27. I have a feeling that I may be late.

You know on the news when they have the ‘And finally...’ item and it’s always something vaguely amusing. Well.... and finally, having gone 17 games without a goal for Saints due to scuffing it along the ground or lashing it into the crowd, Jason Puncheon today scored in his very first game for Millwall. When presented with a near open goal from about 8 yards, he bobbled a left footed scuffer into the net. When interviewed after the game, Punch said that it was nice to play for a manager who wanted him. I think that tells us all we need to know – loses his place for three games after being shite for ages and throws his toys out. Two million please Millwall – he scores every game, honest and Jason, don’t let the door hit your arse.

League 1 Match 16 - Carlisle 3 Southampton 2

One day I'll play for Saints

Today’s effort starts on a sad note. This week we mourn the passing of a Saints legend with the loaning out of The Late Paul Wotton – he of the the ridiculous tackle when the ball is in another post code and he of the cultured overhead hoofed clearance. Oxford’s gain on a two month loan is our loss… a moments silence please.

OK, joking aside – he was brought in as an experienced player to help the kids in Rupert’s Dutch revolution and has had some good games for us, filling in at centre back on occasions and always giving 100%. He comes across as a decent lad with a sense of humour. Did anyone else the bit on Saints Player about the players doing the filming for the team announcements on the scoreboard? The first cut of this film (which I watched in the morning), had Wotton turning round, saying ‘Paul Wotton, midfield’ and then delightfully dribbling spit down his chin. By the afternoon, this little scene had been cut out as obviously someone thought it was a bit on the distasteful side. I hope he does well at Oxford and gets a contract for next season out of it as he’s out of contract in the summer.

In other news, the Under-21ish team beat the Moaning Dorset Bastards 5-1 and the Under-18s beat Thurrock to progress in the FA Youth Cup. Excellent work and so onto today against Carlisle who are just below us in the league and who I’m sure will see this game as their best chance for a bit of JPT revenge.. The Cumbrian media are trying to make a big deal of the fact they’ve won three games at home in a week and scored 11 goals, thus making Brunton Park a fortress. All sounds good until you analyse that they’ve beaten two League 2 sides and a non-league side which is hardly the same as playing the mighty SFC, even though we have no Wotton.

What we do have is some tactical tinkering by Nigel as we go 4-5-1 with Schneiderlin starting instead of a forward. Alarm bells are ringing for me on this one. For starters, Schneiderlin doesn’t deserve a starting place at the moment and Barnard does not deserve to be left out. That aside – Sir Rickie up front on his own in his current form? Hmmm. A bit of a surprise was to see Seaborne replaced with Jaidi – just as Seaborne had started to prove that he might not be a liability after all. My personal view is that our central midfield is not good enough to only have one striker in front of them, whether we have 2 players in there or 3. Also, Lallana, Chambo and the full backs have less to aim at if they want to put a cross in. Carlisle, for their part, no longer have Ian Harte and have replaced him with a player who can run and jump.

After an immaculately observed minutes silence for Wotton, Saints started well and were soon knocking it about. The best chance fell to Lallana who pulled out his signature move by attacking the left edge of the penalty area and cutting back onto his right foot. Unfortunately, the curled right foot finish into the far corner was straight at the keeper. Totally against the run of play, Carlisle took the lead when Madine held off Fonte with ease and helped the ball on to Marshall who was given far too much space by the dithering Harding. That said, it was a very good finish back across Superkelv which gave him absolutely no chance.

Stunned by conceding a goal, Saints went from being a side in control to a side who didn’t look like they actually knew eachother and so compounded the situation by going 2-0 down when a cross in from the left was looped over the Davis by Harding. It depends on how you look at this one as it was unlucky for the ball to deflect of Harding’s left foot and what looked like his right knee and flip over Davis but it really was crap of the highest order.

Obviously feeling good about himself, Harding then completed his entry for ‘worst half hour by anyone’ when he launched someone up in the air and got booked and Fonte quickly followed for the same. Lallana skidded a long range left footed shot wide but half time couldn’t come soon enough.

Of course, we had to start the 2nd half well and duly did as Lallana went on a run down the left and stood up a cross for Chamberlain to head past the flapping Collin to bring us back into it. Lallana continued to leave defenders in his wake and we were suddenly looking by far the better side once more. Of course, the next goal was going to define the game and then we failed to adhere to the golden rule of chasing a game – keep the fucking back door shut. It’s a familiar tale – we had to defend a corner which as you know, we’ve had a bit of trouble with of late. Over it comes and James Chester (on loan from Man Utd – another reason to hate them) rises totally unchallenged to head in from 12 yards. Later on in the evening I watched Audley Harrison just stand there and wait for bad things to happen and here, Morgan Schneiderlin did the same – f.all. At this moment in time I wished David Haye would hit him as well.

Nigel decides at this point that it’s time to put Harding out of his misery because at 3-1 down, we can’t afford any more defensive disasters and he’s replaced with Ryan Dickson and it’s all Saints with Hammond forcing Collin into a decent stop from long range and then Chaplow dragging wide a sitter when he really should have scored having been put through by Sir Rickie’s one contribution to the game.

We need a goal and so we don’t need Schneiderlin and on comes Lee Barnard, 72 minutes after he should have been on. We’re now back to 4-4-2 and within 8 minutes we’re back in it again as Hammond rumbles forward and smashes in a shot from 25 yards which either deflected or swerved but whatever happened, Collin made a balls of it and we were back to 3-2. Deano really should shoot more often as he’s got a decent dig on him.

With 10 minutes left to find and equalizer, all Saints could manage was a spin and shot from Barnard which flew just over and so we ultimately slipped to an unnecessary and self-inflicted defeat.

Going forward, we played reasonably well in patches compared to Carlisle (more shots, possession, corners etc) but it doesn’t matter how well you play going forward if you let in goals like we did. All three goals were gift-wrapped to varying degrees with Harding having a complete shocker on the first two and Schneiderlin on the third. Nige will take a bit of a pasting for changing the formation and changing a winning team and rightly so – however, the change in formation had nothing to do with the Morgan standing there like an Audley tree and letting his man have a free header, for example. I’d like to know why Connolly was left on the bench though when last week he came on and created two goals in a minute. Surely it would have been worth taking Jaidi or Richardson off and throwing him on for the last 5-10 minutes.

So, the first game of our 3 game mini-season ends in defeat but to be honest, I’m not that worried about this one other than it puts more pressure on the next two games. We played ok and you would have thought that the diabolical defending won’t happen again for a while. What is worrying though is our continual ability to allow free headers in the box from set pieces. Next up we have Peterborough who started the season well but seem to have had the wheels fall off in the last couple of weeks – today they lost 5-1 at home. Saints will be back to 4-4-2 and if they’re not then Nigel will have lost the plot. I fully expect Chaplow and Hammond to be in central midfield, Barnard and Seaborne back in the side and it’s time for Ryan Dickson to be given a go. If you don’t think so then watch the replays of the goals we let in today.

Maybe we need to recall Wotton before it’s too late.

FA Cup 1st Round - Southampton 2 Shrewsbury 0

It’s time for the last cup competition that we are left in – The FA Cup. It still feels very odd to be playing in Round 1 but we are where we are and today we’ve got Shrewsbury who have already been beaten once over the ticket price thing. A crowd of just over 10,000 is a pretty good indicator that £15 a shot was the correct price as I reckon there would have been 2,000 down if it was £25. To be honest – I’m a bit disappointed we couldn’t muster 15,000 people but that’s the last talk of attendances.

My usual Kingsland seat is empty today due to the whole stand only being populated with ball boys and television cameras, who will be filming across the pitch, looking at the full Itchen stand. I am in the Northam behind the goal. Despite sitting/standing on the Milton Road end of The Dell for 25 years and in the Chapel for the first couple of years at SMS, it now feels very odd to be watching from an end rather than from the side. When I saw the 2003 FA Cup Semi Final at Villa Park (Ormerod – get in!!!) I had a seat on the half way line and that view, combined with the objectional bugger we sat next to at SMS that season, meant that we moved to the Kingsland from the start of the 2003/4 season. Aside from the view – the most noticeable difference is the 50 year difference in the average age of the supporters. In the Kingsland, I sit between my Dad (65) and Moses (83). Today I am sat next to two kids who are about 14 and 12.

To the team and Nigel rested Sir Rickie and Jose Fonte and recalled The Gulyman (with new haircut, now looking like BA Baracus without the bling) and Radhi Jaidi. The Saints dugout area had two portable hospital beds in it which was strange until you realised that David Connolly and Lee Holmes were both on the bench. Between them they have had 263 separate injuries in their time with Saints. Shrewsbury had no one I’d heard of aside from centre back, Exodus Geohaghon who I’ve only heard of because he’s always on those ‘Top 10 Footballers Names’ lists, alongside Stefan Kuntz, Danny Shittu, Bernt Haas and the legend that was Brian Pinas.

Saints started relatively well with Chappers firing over and it looked like Shrewsbuy had come with very limited ambition and we were going to see lots of efforts on goal from the boys in the Sash. Sadly, we were wrong and so ensued lots of huff and puff and very little in the way of goalscoring chances. Big Exodus was making his mark, mainly by lumbering across to take defensive throws from the right back area which is ridiculous.

25 minutes had passed before anything of note happened with Lallana swinging in a free kick which was met by The Gulyman, whose decent header beat the keeper but was headed off the line. From the resulting corner, I got to watch at close quarters as Deano ran in like a gazelle, rose majestically like a salmon leaping from the water and then shut his eyes like a big fucking girl who was frightened of ruining her make up and headed it over the bar.

What’s this ? Shrewsbury are attacking and Superkelv has to get down to push a volleyed effort from Holden around the post. From the corner, our chronically shit marking at corners is once again to the fore as there is a free header at the back stick which Kelvin again claws away. Not heeding the warnings, we let them have another go as Oh-bla-di-oh-bla-dah cuts in from the left and fizzes in a rising drive with Kelvin has to tip over.

Saints are shite and the leader in shiteness is Guly who seems to have lost his first touch as soon as it started raining and is now resembling a person who has never ever seen a football. Lallana and Chaplow are showing how to play the game with Lallana giving their right back kittens every time he gets it and Chaplow being everywhere, winning tackles and driving forwards to decent effect. He is noticeably improving with every game as he gets fitter and I’m already hoping we get to sign him permanently in January.

Half time, 0-0, bollocks.

The opening of the second half is all probing without going anywhere from Saints, resolute defending from Shrewsbury and singing from the Northam End. I know they are responsible for 99% of the atmosphere inside the ground but you can tell that the game is shit when we have 10 minutes of “we’re the right side / left side / Northam over ‘ere” and “Chapel / Itchen / Kingsland (irony!) give us a song".

The chances began to come as Guly got on the end of a Lallana pass and his snap shot was saved comfortably by the keeper before a booming cross by Richardson was nodded down by Lallana to where the onrushing Chaplow was, half a second after it was cleared. Once again Chaplow stole into the box and this time he managed to force is past the keeper but some bugger on the line cleared it again. Then Lallana had one of those ones on his right foot from the left and he curled it well wide.

Alex Chamberlain, who today only shines in little bursts is replaced with Sir Rickie with The Gulyman, who has somehow survived being substituted, moving to the right wing. Sir Rickie’s first touch is to fire a free kick just over but afterwards, his introduction really makes very little difference to the pattern of play and we’re totally relying on Lallana coming up with a piece of magic or Chaplow bursting onto something.

Five to go and still 0-0 and Nigel’s last throw of the dice was to ensure that the Saints medical insurance went up by bringing on Connolly and Holmes for Barnard and the Gulyman who had finally succeeded in getting into the dry after 85 minutes of trying. Last week I told of me saying Chamberlain was quiet and he immediately scored. This week, my Dad was moaning about “Adkins says he wants impact players on the bench, what impact are these two going to have?”

The game finished and Saints had won 2-0 with Connolly scoring one and setting up the other. How’s that for impact? The ‘3 minutes’ board had just gone up and Harding forced a save out of the keeper with the ball going loose before being seized upon by Connolly who despite slipping, fired into the ground and into the top of the net. From the kick off, the ball was won and worked out the Connolly on the left wing where he waited before perfectly feeding Lallana to give him another of those ones on his right foot from the left and this time the curler bulged the net. Full time, 2-0 have a nice trip home.

Well – we won, that’s all you can say. For the vast majority of the game we were complete shite and it was a total bore to watch but it’s the cup so even more than usual, it’s just about winning. I felt a bit sorry for Shrewsbury at the end as they didn’t deserve to lose 2-0. Of course if any side deserved to win then it was us as in Chaplow and Lallana, we had the two best players on the pitch and we were doing all the pressing but it was harsh on them to be two minutes from a replay (where our fans would have been charged £100 a ticket or something) only to get it snatched away. They defended well against our limited attacking threat and were basically unlucky not to get a draw. That said, they didn’t get near our goal in the second half and any decent midfield play they had was ruined by a non-existent final ball. They were better than a lot of the teams down here this season though and good luck to them in getting promoted.

Saints now enter a run of games that can shape the season – Carlisle away, Peterborough home, Brighton home. 9 points from that lot and we’ll be laughing, 7 points and we’ll be mildly chortling, 6 and we’ll be annoyed about the one we lost, 0-5 points and it’ll be suicide time and don’t read the messageboards.

As for me – I’m the left side over ‘ere.

League 1 Match 15- Southampton 4 Dagenham & Redbridge 0

"I'm the biggest twat... no I'm the biggest twat"

Dagenham and Redbridge. Yep. Tonight we are playing Dagenham and Redbridge.... in the League. A sobering reminder of how far we’ve fallen but I prefer to look at it the other way round and admire the team that have come from non-league with no money and are now in the 3rd tier of English football. Fair play to you and well done and I hope we absolutely muller you out of sight.

The Notts County match was one indifferent performance too many from Schneiderlin and Puncheon and they were replaced with Alex Chamberlain and Richard Chaplow. The rest of the team was unchanged with Frazer Richardson making his SMS debut at right back.

I had had a nightmare getting to the game from work in Brighton, having been delayed half an hour in Chichester by a van that had crashed on one of the 40 roundabouts on the A27. As I made it into the ground at 7.45 exactly and didn’t miss anything, I could now smile at the fact that the offending van had an ‘I’m following Pompey’ sticker in the back window. My lateness meant I missed the warm-up injury suffered by Tony Roberts who was supposed to be in goal for the Daggers – he was replaced by a lad called Lewington who was making his debut.

Away we go and straight away, Saints look like they mean business with Chamberlain getting in the first cross which was kind of pawed away by Lew the Flapper with Chaplow closing in. The next time Lew touched the ball, his clearance kick kind of ballooned up into the sky and didn’t go very far. So that’s catching and kicking that he’s not very good at – I wonder if he can save a direct shot ? Saints were using the wings well and Barnard was on the end of another accurate Chamberlain cross but his effort was blocked. It wasn’t all Chambo though as Deano rumbled forward from midfield and fired over a great ball which was just in front of Lallana.

We still hadn’t found out if Lew the Flapper had any bsic goalkeeping skills and we went 1-0 up. Chamberlain had sprinted down the wing and put over a cross which had somehow gone over the top of Lew (who was doing a very flappy impersonation of a flightless bird) and dropped into the net via a despairing flap of the keepers hand. Obviously this was a bit of a fluke and the look on Alex’s face kind of gave this impression but never mind – we’ll have it. (The Official site seems to think that he meant it). Frazer Richardson fired a great crossfield ball to Lallana who headed it back across to where Lew had a flap, just before Sir Rickie arrived and flattened him. Lew was not having much fun on his big day and Alex was on fire and he was soon flying down the wing again, past the full back and sending over a superb cross to give Lallana a headed opportunity which he made a complete balls of, heading into the Northam End. Hmmm – a winger who can go past people at pace and whip in accurate crosses. It’s a bit better than having to swap over to your good foot before chipping in to no one in particular.

Of the players who had come into the side, we had Alex who was flying and Chappers who was having a storming start to the game, being very dynamic in winning tackles and driving forward in exactly the same way that Paul Wotton doesn’t.... and then we had Frazer Richardson who, odd decent ball aside, was looking every inch a player who has hardly played for 5 months, being very laboured and giving the ball away with metronomic regularity. This lack of care seemed to speared to the whole side who for a 20 minute spell, looked very dodgy and gave the Daggers a few half chances which they in the main, didn’t get anywhere near the goal. In defence, Danny Seaborne was showing up well, continuing his crusade to prove me wrong and fair play to him. I’d still like to see him stand out defensively against a good side but today, with only sporadic threat to deal with, he’s playing well and most of the time his passing out of defence is pretty good too.

The Daggers travelling army, all 200 of them belt out a truly pathetic version of the Pompey Chimes which I don’t reckon anyone in the Chapel End will actually have heard. It got me thinking though – who are the big rivals of Dagenham and Redbridge? Answers on a postcard please. Come to think of it, who cares ?
It’s all got a bit mundane and I have one of those Nostradamus moments when I comment out loud that Chaplow and Chamberlain both started well but have gone a bit quiet when Sir Rickie nods down a Richardson throw in and Chambo flies down the wing again, looks up and brilliantly chips Lew the Flapper for 2-0. No doubt that he meant that one. I’ll shut up then.

Once the game had restarted I then heard one of the most astonishing pieces of moaning I have ever heard from the thick Chuckle Brother. In his nauseating whiny voice he said “this is no good, we’ve needed a kid to score two goals – what have our experienced players done?”. I just shook my head – unbelievable. The questions running through my mind are - Why does he bother coming to football ?, why does he exist ?, what is the point of him ?, do his family all hate him ? We’re 2-0 up, it’s not half time yet and a 17 year old has scored 2 goals, all is right with the world pretty much. Shut the fuck up.

Half time and my Dad who has just got back from America with no sleep for the past day and a half, is quite clearly struggling to stay awake, despite us winning and despite the annoying whining shit behind us.

The start of the 2nd half is relatively quiet until Lallana latches on to another Sir Rickie knock down, skips a tackle and squares it for Barnard to smash home. The scorer gives the Northam a clenched fist salute which is all he can do as he still has his plaster cast on. As an aside, a friend of mine broke his thumb once up the dry ski slope at the Sports Centre and had his hand in a cast, similar to Barnard’s. He said that the single most difficult thing was trying to wipe his arse left handed so spare a thought for Lee Barnard...

Moving on... and again we are flying down the wings and again it is Deano who has found himself cutting in off the right flank and squaring to Sir Rickie who again, fails to turn the clock back a year and scuffs it wide. It’s more or less his last contribution as he and Barnard are replaced with The Gulyman and Darren Bignall. The Chuckle Brother who makes duck noises in his rolled up programme has been mercifully quiet with just the odd outpouring of unfunny bollocks but when Guly comes on he’s very vocally telling everyone how to pronounce his name even though no one has asked. Chuckle has a foreign accent so he may well speak perfect Portuguese so apparently you have to roll the ‘R’ in Prado. Good, thanks, moron.

Bignall has a decent chance which is blocked before Chambo has a run on the left, skins the full back and stands up a brilliant left footed cross right onto the forehead of Jose Fonte who cannot miss. Jose had decided to loaf around up front as he was bored at the back but the issue is that it’s brilliant wing play by Chamberlain, crossing first time, on the run, with his wrong foot and straight onto someones head.

The Daggers bring on a player called Finney (I think) and we get another lesson in pronounciation from my asshole friend. “It’s Finneeeeeeee, Finneeeeeeeee”. Morgan comes on to allow Alex the standing ovation he deserves and we have no further grammar lessons, just Bignall going close twice more and Morgan totally failing to get the booking he needed to miss the cup game on Saturday and no league fixtures. The game kind of peters out with the odd nice touch from The Gulyman but it’s job done, 3 points, flying up the league.

This really was ridiculously easy and in truth, if we’d needed to, we could have scored double the 4 that we got. If you are reading this you Chuckle Brother Morons, that’s 8. Alex will get all the attention and rightly so but there’s no point in worrying about it alerting bigger clubs as they will all know already. On a night when our last prodigy, Gareth Bale, ran the current Champions League holders ragged, it’s somehow fitting that our latest wonder kid announced himself fully. Nigel was right to be a little bit critical of the team in his post match interview as there were sections in each half when we were poor and resorted to kicking the ball away rather than keeping possession. The league table is worth mentioning as we have moved up to 6th place in are now in the playoff positions, one place above the Moaning Dorset Bastards who drew tonight, yet again “outplaying the opposition, unlucky, didn’t get what we deserved, poor refereeing decision” – Copyright E.Howe.

So, bring on the FA Cup on Saturday against Shrewsbury – I’ve got my ticket and it cost £15, my Dad’s cost a tenner and my son’s cost a fiver. Thanks to Don Nicola and the FA, Saints and Shrewsbury will get £15 each from me whereas if the Shrews had had their way with the prices, no one would have got anything. The last time I took my lad, we were truly dreadful against Swindon in the JPT, so on Saturday it had better be different....