Premier League Match 33 - Southampton 0 Bournemouth 1

E-I-E-I-E-I-O Down to the Championship We Go

Due to the fact that we are now at the business end of the season, I, like many other fans I suspect, have been spending fair amount of time looking at the league table and one of the things that keeps coming back to me is, how bad must we be to be nine points behind Bournemouth?

I am not trying to be disrespectful to Bournemouth… too much anyway. The answer is of course that we have been shite for a vast majority of the season. Bournemouth on the other hand, having been managed by Scott Parker and then Gary O’Neil and with the players that they have, should have finished flat last this season but they are not going to and barring a catastrophic collapse, will be in the Premier League next year and fair play to them.  I think we all know who is going to finish flat last.

We actually went above them in the table when we won our last game against Leicester but since then they have picked up wins in six pointers and have also beaten the likes of Liverpool, Tottenham and Fulham who were under performing but Bournemouth still managed to get the points and that’s all that you can ask for. When Saints have played under-performing teams this year like Manchester United with 10 men and when we were 3-1 up with two minutes to go against Arsenal, we didn’t win. When we played any six pointers, we didn’t win either.

When you look at Bournemouth’s squad you can only summarise by saying they have been better than the sum of their parts. There aren’t any individual players that scare you at all but the collective obviously has something about it to have got them to the position that they are in and despite what you may learn from Sky Sports, football is still a team game.  Massive credit must go to O’Neil for the job he has done.

Jack Stephens has been on-loan to Bournemouth this season and after not playing much in the first half of the year, he has got in the team and has largely performed well though I did have a bit of a smile to myself last week when he was getting absolutely battered by Michail Antonio against West Ham. We’ve seen that particular episode many times before.  Jack won’t be playing today of course but there is obviously a discussion of whether he will be with Saints next season or with Bournemouth. There are lots of different ways of looking at it of course but if/when we go down, there is a player who can obviously do a job at Championship level but will he want to?  As far as I’m concerned, he will have earned his opportunity to stay in the Premier League if Bournemouth want to pay the money to sign him.  To be honest, I don’t really think we have missed him as I don’t really think that central defence has been our main problem this season, even with our lack of clean sheets. Even now, with Salisu unlikely to play for the rest of the season, we still have a Polish international, a German international and a Croatian international not to mention a Brazilian Serb lunatic to cover that area.  Next season though, depending on what division we are in and departures that may or may not happen, it’s all up for grabs.

We of course, have to win this one but we’ve been saying that for quite a while, haven’t we? It will be interesting to see the Ruben Selles master plan for this game bearing in mind he said that we absolutely have to win this game in his press conference, in amongst the usual drivel he comes out with. Will he have worked out that we are a better team when our best players are on the pitch and will he have worked out that we need some sort of goal threat which is not going to be provided by the likes of Adam Armstrong or Joe Aribo?

Out of our team , seven of the outfield players pick themselves and it’s just a case of who the other three are. The seven who will definitely play, barring injury are KWP, Bednarek. ABK, Lavia, JWP, Alcaraz (1st half at least) and Walcott. The other three positions are open and who Selles picks in these three positions will largely determine if we are going for it or not. If he goes with Maitland-Niles, Elyounoussi and Adam Armstrong then it might be time to stay in the pub.  If however, he goes for Perraud, Sulemana and Adams then at least if we lose we are going down trying.  If Adam Armstrong and Elyounoussi are chosen, then it’s purely for defensive reasons which is not what we need today and it’s not what we ever need to be honest.

With us playing on the Thursday, there were games on Tuesday and Wednesday, the most damaging being Nottingham Forest’s 3-1 win against Brighton which means that as things stand, we are six points adrift so I think we can categorically say that if we don’t win tonight, we are fucked.  So bearing in mind that we are fucked if we don’t win today, what’s the team Ruben?

Shit the bed.... Alex McCarthy is in goal which is 10 games overdue and it’s a bit of a surprise bearing in mind that Bazunu wasn’t actually that bad in the last game against Arsenal. Makes me think that it was decided after the Palace game which in turn makes me think why put him in goal in an away game at Arsenal in a game where we were going to be under loads of pressure and could potentially have let in a lot of goals. Shit management of a young player is all I can think of.  

The rest of the team is basically as it was against Arsenal aside from Caleta-Car playing instead of ABK who is presumably injured. This of course means that Elyounoussi and Adam Armstrong are both starting so two players with no attacking output whatsoever. It looks like the 4-3-3 False 9 formation with Moi in midfield alongside Lavia and JWP and Charly Alcaraz as a false 9 with the goal threat being provided by Theo Walcott and the aforementioned Adam Armstrong.  Deadly.

If my mood can be likened to an inflated balloon then I’m currently leaking air and making  farting noises as I fly around the room before limply landing on the ground in a corner. The bench is also interesting with Che Adams make a return alongside Sekou Mara.  Tall Paul is nowhere so we haven’t even got that option. Really good investment in January being borne out once again.

I managed to dodge the rain and get into St Mary‘s and the atmosphere is kind of muted. This team has sucked the life out of everybody this season. I think it comes down to the fact that even if we win, we are still three points in the shit and no one has any faith whatsoever that this team can string two wins together.  We need 4 wins out of the next 6, having only won 6 games all season.  As if?  As the teams come out, it’s pissing down.

Saints start quite well with Bednarek picking up Alcaraz further forward and he slides a good ball into Walcott coming in off the right and he scuffs the shot and Neto gets down easily enough to save. A good positive start with forward passing and a bit of intent.

There’s another chance more by luck than design as Adam Armstrong runs with the ball until he loses it as usual, but the ball bounces back to Perraud and once again, more by luck than design it ends up back with Adam Armstrong who hits it at the near post but again, saved by the keeper.

Bournemouth’s first bit of attacking play see them cut through us with Sinesi playing the ball through to Solanke who can always be relied on to miss and McCarthy gets out and spreads himself well but the ball bounces back out Vina who scores comfortably.  Solanke did look offside when the ball came through and so it proves as the lino’s flag goes up straight away but not quick enough to stop a Bournemouth fan lobbing a flare onto the pitch. Muppet.

When play gets going again, Bournemouth try to play out with JWP intercepts and feeds KWP on the right hand side he eventually crosses his left foot and Walcott goes up but in fact it’s a Bournemouth header the balloons the ball goalwards and it bounces off the top of the crossbar. 

We seem to have blown ourselves out now and Bournemouth are dominating possession and we are making Dominic Solanke look like a world-beater by allowing him space to run into and he’s actually seriously quick once he gets moving.  When we get the ball back there is absolutely no movement so we are belting it away and it just comes back. Solanke runs with the ball, plays 1-2 in the penalty area and lashes one narrowly over the bar.

It Doesn't Rain on the Right Hand Side

Perraud picks up what looks like a nasty injury as a Bournemouth player runs across the back of his achilles right in front of the referee who does fuck all.  Perraud plays on for a bit but he has to come off and Maitland-Niles comes on with KWP switching to the left which is going to give us even less width than we are showing already.  There is no one to pass to and the restless crowd is having a go at the defenders which is stupid because they have two choices – keep the ball or cream it upfield for our 5 foot 8 strikers to compete with the Bournemouth centre backs.

Half-time and the last half an hour has been clueless wank. Sideways backwards sideways backwards. As I said, you can’t have a go unless the defenders or midfield players are turning down a forward pass and they never are because there’s no one upfront so there’s no choice but to go sideways and backwards and back to the goalkeeper. It’s painful and it’s shit and a manager who had a fucking clue would sort it out at half-time.

Hold my beer says Ruben and JWP has gone off which can only be one of two things. Either he’s injured or he’s told this clueless fuckwit of a manager to do one. Either way, he has been replaced with Lyanco and we do look like we have gone three at the back with Elyounoussi at right wing back and KWP on the left.  AMN has gone in central midfield.  I cannot imagine anything more horrendous than this in a vital game that you have to win.

We start the second half and we are all over the fucking place. No one has a clue what they should be doing and it looks a matter of time before the unthinkable happens and then it does as Solanke bursts forward again into space and finds Taverner on the right and he cuts inside onto what I assume it is weaker left foot and bobbles a diagonal effort which somehow evades everybody and ends up in the far corner. Fucking hell.

Now we are behind and even the idiot in the polo-neck can see that things are not going well so off come Elyounoussi and Walcott to be replaced with Stuart Armstrong and Che Adams.  In a new development, no one seems to know where the fuck they are supposed to be, especially Charly Alcaraz, who I’m assuming he’s been given a free role because we seem to have four strikers at times now with Adams and Alcaraz up front with Stuart Armstrong on the right and Adam Armstrong on the left. Sulemana comes on with 10 minutes to go to replace Adam Armstrong who amazingly, has had a shocking game.

With Stuart Armstrong pushed up on the right-hand side now and AMN playing right wing-back, we seem to have a one-man midfield now with Romeo Lavia doing the work of three men.  Never worry young man – it will soon be over and you can go somewhere and have a good career.

With Stuart Armstrong leading the way, it appears to pay off as AMN feeds Armstrong on the right hand side and he swerves inside a Bournemouth challenging in the penalty area before knocking the ball square and Adams tees it up for himself before volleying at high into the net. Five minutes to go so maybe just maybe we could sneak the most undeserved win and drag this shitshow on for another week. Oh hang on, we are off to VAR

“Hi, it’s Stockley Park here”
“I can’t believe they fucking equalised mate”
“A bit harsh mate they need this”
“Makes no difference mate, they are shit and even a point won’t be enough for them”
“But they might get the winner now”
“Will they fuck, they are fucking hopeless – please find something to put them out of their misery – it would be the kindest thing”
“I’ll try…. Oh yeah, no worries mate,  I got it…. he’s offside by two millimetres”
“Thank the lord Mike Dean for that, get them gone, flush that turd”
“Put it on the screen now big man, get ready for the stampede for the exits”

Well there’s no VAR in the Championship…

There’s not much time for anything else.  KWP charges right through the middle of the penalty area and wins a corner when the tackle from Kelly comes in. Stu’s corner is headed out and that’s it.  Spineless, gutless wankers.

Well that’s the end of that then. A completely cluelessly inept showing, once again from the moment the team was announced. The idiot basically picked the same team that he picked against Arsenal for completely different assignments. Absolutely horrific to pick Elyounoussi and Adam Armstrong from the start and so it proved to no one’s surprise but his.

We were actually okay for the first 10 minutes or so and then what followed was 35 minutes of cluelessly inept bollocks football with no attacking intent, no forward movement and no intensity. Sideways, backwards, sideways, backwards, try to go forward give the ball away because it’s one player isolated. No pattern, no cohesion, no strikers. Selles said we were going to concentrate on our 'red zone' threat today - well you totally failed there didn’t you, you useless twat because we didn’t have any red zone threat at all because you played a midfielder out of position again and you played the worst striker I think we’ve ever had at Premier League level.

James, you've gone from Wanyama, Schneiderlin, Romeu and Davis.... to Me.

With JWP going off at half-time, Selles pulled out the coup de grace by going three at the back.  Three at the back is only an attacking move if the full backs get up the line and get crosses into the box. Begs the question who are we getting crosses in for when all our forward players are 5 foot 8 and by putting Elyounoussi and KWP on the wrong side as the wing backs, you basically have no advantages at all. What I particularly don’t understand about that is the obsession with putting KWP on the left. Elyounoussi has played on the left-hand side of the pitch his entire career.  Also, Moussa Djenepo was on the bench, a player who was given a new contract because he had a couple of decent games at left back.  Djenepo should really have come on when Perraud got injured and if you’re going to wing-backs then he should certainly have come on.  Instead we went to a formation we clearly hadn’t practiced, with players who clearly were uncomfortable playing it.

We were absolutely cluelessly abysmal until the last 15 minutes when Bournemouth started retreating a bit and Stuart Armstrong and Che Adams inspired some sort of intent from the team with Stu putting in more effort in 15 minutes than he had in the whole rest of this season combined. Yes, we were unlucky to have a goal ruled out for VAR but it wouldn’t have made the slightest fucking difference other than to make Bournemouth sweat a little bit more until the end of the season.

Once again, I’m wondering what Sport Republic think of the £30 million worth of goalscorers they purchased in January not even being in the squad. Don’t get me wrong, neither Tall Paul or Orsic have shown anything whatsoever so far but for them not to be on the bench, especially Tall Paul against a team that generally struggles in the air. We had Joe Aribo on the bench for fuck‘s sake.
 
Selles can fuck off and he can fuck off now.  He was brought in to keep us up and he’s failed so he can fuck off.   Like signing a load of young players in the summer, we appointed a rookie young manager and it could’ve been brilliant but the chances are it wasn’t going to be and it’s actually been worse than that. It’s been absolutely fucking shocking after he and Chelsea combined to con us before we realised quite how shit Chelsea were.  

Rasmus Ankersen and Sport Republic must be weighing up what is the most embarrassing right now. Is it more embarrassing to sack another manager that they’ve appointed within a couple of months or is it more embarrassing to keep him. Personally, I’d say it’s more embarrassing to keep him.  The results are no better and it’s a different kind of drivel to Nathan Jones in his press conferences ... but it’s still drivel.  As the great Paul Weller once said:

"And as it was in the beginning, so shall it be in the end
That bullshit is bullshit, it just goes by different names"

Bearing in mind we have been losing virtually every game, I turn up to watch every week thinking they are going to have worked on something different and every week we turn up do the same things, get beat 1-0 or variations of, and that’s it.  The inclusion of Alex McCarthy today of course meant that we didn’t have the capability to pass the ball around at the back because he’s about as good with his feet as a tap dancing elephant. Still, that’s what we tried to do and it was an absolute miracle that we didn’t give anything away at the back because of it. Most of the time it was four or five panicked passes whilst the tackles were flying in, before McCarthy clubbed it out of play on the halfway line. Embarrassing.  It was a bit like how we clearly don’t practice how to play with Tall Paul on the pitch.

Our attacking play if we did get the ball into midfield was absolutely non-existent. No runs in behind, no holding up the ball, no coming short to receive the ball, no quick 1-2’s played with any conviction. No surprise because he picked a shit starting line-up with no focal point centre forward.  What was he saving Che Adams for? Because he was clearly fit enough for the bench, he should have started and come off at half-time if necessary. If you don’t wanna do that then you play Tall Paul or Sekou Mara from the start even though they’re pretty poor options.  Charlie Alcaraz was kind of up front today and he had a terrible game, continually trying too hard and giving the ball away virtually every time he had it.  He clearly didn’t know where he was supposed to be playing, especially in the second half and he’s probably had his head filled with shit since getting substituted at half-time against Arsenal, so probably was very conscious of that.

Ruben Picks the Team

You’re going to make decisions as a manager that not everyone agrees with but it’s especially important if you’re not winning and you’re not scoring any goals and you are going to get relegated, that you can explain why you did what you did and Selles just doesn’t.   He might think he does but he just talks absolute bollocks as justification for the decisions that he makes. He tried to justify the Adam Armstrong selection by saying that he was sharp in training.  I bet there are thousands of players through time that have been good at training but absolutely shit when they step out onto the pitch. Adam Armstrong has stepped onto the pitch 70 times approximately for Saints now and I think we all know how he’s going to perform on the pitch, when it actually matters.  You use the ‘good in training’ line when you are talking about an 18-year-old and why you gave him his debut or something – not a 26 year old who has repeatedly failed at this level.

Southampton, the unflushable turd will now be flushed. Six points behind with just five games left and our goal difference is worse than every other team down there, bar one. A few weeks ago when we had 10 games left, I wrote about how we needed to get 10 points from the four games against the teams in the bottom half of the table. We have now played three of those four games and got precisely zero points from them and not only that, we have scored zero goals. It’s over, it’s done and we’ve managed to have two of the worst managers in our history in the same season so can you be surprised?

So – 4 wins needed out of 5 and Newcastle away up next.

Up the Fucking Useless-Gutless-Spineless-Managed-By-a-Clueless-Twat Saints