Premier League Match 32 - Tottenham 2 Southampton 1

 

"Does That mean We're Super League Now Prowsey?"

After the crap that happened on Sunday at Wembley, we march on to the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. It’s been a bit of a week at Tottenham. Usually Tottenham embarrass themselves on the pitch by being Spursy but now they’ve taken embarrassing themselves to a whole new level. Southampton embarrass themselves in a cup semi-final…. “hold my fucking beer” says Daniel Levy.

It all started with the Dulux dog. They signed a deal to have Dulux as their official fucking paint sponsor or whatever and then the Dulux Twitter account, which was possibly manned by an Arsenal fan, ripped into them about painting empty trophy cabinets and the like. All good harmless fun. Not harmless fun was when they released a statement which declared that they, as one of Europe’s leading clubs would be joining the European Super League. Spurs have not won the top domestic league that they play in since 1961. The only time I remember them ever actually challenging for the title was the year Leicester won it, where they eventually finished third in the two horse race. In my lifetime, they have only really been a Cup team who occasionally won a Cup when the year ended in 1 and then they stopped doing that. Doesn’t really make them a European superpower, does it?

Whilst the European Super League shit show was going on, Daniel Levy took advantage of the cover to fire José Mourinho, possibly because he had been falling out with all the players but more likely because he didn’t want Jose winning a trophy and they are in the Carabao Cup Final at the weekend. With Jose sacked, the European Super League and crumbled to dust and Dr Evil Daniel Levy, issued a statement somehow implying that he thought joining the super league was for the good of the game. He is a bit of an unrepentant charlatan. The bottom line is that Levy, like all the other greedy bastards, just wanted Champions League level income guaranteed.  Football doesn’t work like that though, you have to fucking earn it. Even if you have every advantage under the sun, which the big clubs do, your 11 players have got to beat the 11 players on the other team and you finish where are you finish on sporting merit. Maybe Dulux do a good line in whitewash. 

"Those Foreign Owners Don't Understand the English Game"

All of the clubs that joined in the attempted coup are as bad as each other but it was interesting to see it blamed on ‘foreign owners not understanding the English game and it’s history’.  That may be true for the other five but Daniel Levy was born in the foreign territory of Essex and has been Spurs Chairman for 20 years.  Shitbag.  I don’t wanna get into a big discussion of the European Super league. From now on I’m just gonna sit back with my popcorn and wait for the sanctions to be handed out. I may consume a lot of popcorn whilst I’m waiting.

So, Saints embarrassed themselves at Wembley on Sunday and Spurs embarrassed themselves all over the shop - should be a good game. Ralph has promised changes for Saints which will be interesting and Spurs have put 29-year-old Ryan Mason in charge for the rest of the season and his first job will be to try and win a game without Harry Kane who is apparently injured. Mason couldn’t have a better first opponent. Our record at Tottenham is diabolical so it’s a major leap of faith to imagine us doing anything here tonight.

In the event, Ralph makes 5 changes with Walcott, Tella, Salisu, McCarthy and Adams starting instead of Djenepo, Diallo, Redmond, Forster and Bertrand.  It’s a bit of a strange one to change the keeper but the other four have been dropped on merit.  All are on the bench with the exception of Bertrand who is missing, presumed looking for another club.  Mason’s first line up for Spurs includes Gareth Bale in place of Kane and our nemesis Son Heung Min is present.

We start really surprisingly brightly.  We win a free kick on the left and take it quickly and forward to Tella who chops back in on his right foot and slings over a great cross which is met by Salisu who can only head it straight at Lloris, who is on the ground as it bounces out to Adams who leathers the shite out of it… Goooooaoaoaaaaaaaahowthefuckhasthatnotgonein?  He’s hit it at the one place in the massive fucking goal where the keeper has a chance and it’s hit him and flown off.  Fuck.

As we get into the game we are by far the better side and Spurs seem stuck in walking pace but you know that we’ll probably concede from their first attack and here it comes.  A ball forwards towards Bale is missed by Salisu who can’t get his feet sorted.  Bale backheels it into lo Celso who curls it wide.  We have officially survived the first attack.

We are really playing some good stuff.  Sure, we go backwards a few times but we look bright and there is intent.  I wasn't terribly enthused about the JWP and Armstrong pairing in midfield but they’ve been excellent so far.  Bednarek attempts to find KWP with a low through ball and Reguilon makes a hash of it and KWP picks it up but before he can get the shot away, Lloris is out and smothering everything.  Good goalkeeping and just a shame KWP didn’t have the confidence to take it first time.

Another good move down the right on the half hour sees Ings over hit the cross but Armstrong retrieves it and wins a corner off Aurier.  Over it comes from JWP and Ings moves forward away from Aurier and flicks a superb header, bouncing into the net off of the far post.  Have that you Super League Wankers.

We get to half time in fairly comfortable fashion.  We are the better side and this is because we are getting to the Spurs players quickly and when there is tackle to be made, we are making it.  Armstrong is breaking forward from midfield to good effect and when we have the ball, we are passing it quickly and well, made easier by good movement from all but especially the front two. There’s a let off just before the break as we get all hesitant in defence and Moura leans back and launches one over the bar which he really should have scored.

There’s always a fear when we’ve had a good half that we are going to come out for the second half and be shite.  Initial signs are good though as we create a chance for Ings on the edge of the box and he tries a right footed effort which is straight at Lloris, play goes on and we win it back and then Armstrong just boots it out of play.  Danny has already hobbled off – shite! Looks like another hamstring tweak.  I’m rolling my eyes with the anticipation of Redmond coming on up front but instead of that, it’s Diallo.  Why?  He goes to his usual position and Armstrong goes up front for a bit, before someone gets the message on that Walcott should be up top with Armstrong dropping to the right.

"I'm Going Off, We're Winning, Try not to Fuck It Up"

It’s almost instant.  More space everywhere and less intensity.  In the first half you never saw Spurs players in loads of space but now, one ball into the box and both Son and Moura are unmarked and the biggest danger is that they’ll tackle each other.  Moura’s shot is blocked well by Salisu who has come across but the ball bounces to Bale on the right and he takes a touch before curling it into the far side of the goal.  Great finish it has to be said.  Shambles from us.

The tide has turned now and it’s all Spurs with us barely getting out of our half.  It’s ‘matter of time’ stuff.  We defend pretty well but there’s no threat up front at all.  Walcott is off to be replaced by Djenepo which means yet another reshuffle with Tella going up front.

Time goes on and you dare to start looking at the clock.  I’m surprised to see that we are past 80 minutes but there’s no danger of anyone thinking that we might actually get to the end.  There’s space everywhere now, especially between the midfield and the back line and Reguilon passes to Son on the edge of the box and he simply passes it into the corner of the net.  Fuck off!  Not even surprised.  Oh hang on, VAR.  Who’s on VAR?  Oh it’s our mate Fat Jon Moss.

“Hi there Coots, it’s Mossy”
“Have you checked everything?”
“Yes mate, don’t want to tell you but the Super Leaguers had a player offside”
“Really – which one?”
“Bald bloke, right in the keepers eye line”
“Ah shit Mossy… you know if the Super League does happen… they’ll want referees you know?”
“I know mate… I’m thinking Barca, Madrid, Milan… this is just too obvious though”
“OK, disallowed… this time!”
“Can I get back to my dinner now? – I got sent a food hamper by Daniel Levy”

Oh what a shame, Son has a goal disallowed.  Always dives, breaks legs, lovely bloke though.  VAR used correctly, on we go… Redmond is on for Tella so now, apart from Adams instead of the injured Ings, we’ve reverted to the team that was shite against Leicester on Sunday.

88, 89 and Spurs win a corner as Vestergaard tackles Lamela.  In it comes, flicked on, hits Vestergaard’s arm, half cleared by KWP, hits Alderweireld’s hand, bounces out to Reguilon on the edge of the box and he shoots wide as Djenepo piles in like a twat.   Fuck.  Free kick right on the edge.  Reguilon is clearly not going to get up as he’s mortally wounded and being read the last rites as he rolls around like a fish on the quayside.  The words “VAR Checking Possible Penalty” flash across the screen.  One still image later and I know we’re fucked.

“Got it Coots!”
“Tell me more Mossy”
“Clear foul”
“I know, I’ve given it”
“You’ll love this Coots, fucking love it”
“What, what….”
(Delboy Impression)“This time next year Coots, we’ll be millionaires”
“In the Super League… fuck, yeah”
“I can definitely possibly maybe see from one angle for certain that the contact on the foot that possibly wasn’t touched might have possibly been hovering somewhere maybe over the outer edge of the penalty area”
“Send me to the monitor and show me that angle and that angle only Mossy Boy and of course, blur it up!”
“We’re gonna be rich!!”
“Super fucking League Rich Mossy… get in!”

After the helicopter has landed and taken off to airlift Reguilon to hospital, it’s Son with the penalty but he’s got to get it past McCarthy, whose record at saving penalties is second to everyone.  Let’s face it, he puts it off target or it’s a goal.  2-1.  Fuck off!  There are a few minutes left – we do nothing.  The good news is that after his near death, Reguilon will be available for the Cup Final at the weekend.

Oh what a fucking surprise, we had a good first half and then caved in. Further surprises were that when we made the substitutions and reverted to the players that have been dropped for not being good enough, the team went to shit. Let’s start with that. Spurs started the second-half on top admittedly but one area of the team that worked brilliantly in the first half, to my surprise, was the central midfield pairing of JWP and Armstrong. One of our strikers get injured and Ralph reinstates the central midfield pairing of Diallo and JWP that doesn’t work. Why not just put on another attacker, even if it is bloody Redmond? Why change the team when things weren’t going too badly? We’ve lost an attacker and brought on a midfielder so we’ve basically got one less attacking player on the pitch, taken a step back and moved away from what worked so well in the first half.  We are only any good when we defend from the front – as soon as we drop off, we are shite.  First Armstrong gets pushed upfront, then he has swapped with Walcott , then Walcott goes off, then Tella goes upfront, then Tella gets taken off. Che Adams must think he’s got a gross personal freshness problem or something because every player that was put with him ended up going off or getting moved after three minutes. Djenepo and Redmond come on, presumably to have an impact of the bench. Djenepo’s impact was to give away the last minute penalty which meant everything was for nothing and Redmond came on and didn’t touch the ball.

The second-half was a complete shambles. What the fuck do we do at half-time? Are they all sat in there smoking weed or something because they come out for the second half all mellow, maaaan!!!. Spurs were there for the taking today after the week they’d had and having a Cup Final in a dew days. Once Spurs equalised, I knew that we were going to lose and the players knew they were going to lose as well. We again showed our lack of ability to react to a setback. Danny Ings goes off injured and everyone, players and manager, just goes to shit.

Losing to Spurs always grates because they are such wankers. They were wankers before this week and they especially are now. Chief wanker on the pitch is Son Heung Min. It’s always a penalty away at Spurs isn’t it and it’s always Son who benefits. At least it was a foul this time but was that really definitely inside the box? Was it really “you’ve clearly got this wrong referee and overturn your decision“? When the shot comes in, he’s outside the box and Djenepo doesn’t appear to make any contact with the foot that perhaps marginally goes in the box and makes minimal contact with the foot that is planted clearly outside the box. Of course, he has thrown himself into the air and it seems to me that Fat Jon Moss can’t be fucked to look at all the angles. Once I saw the one grainy still photo, it was always going to be a penalty and it was a stupid fucking challenge from a player I’m getting very bored seeing defended with “he is young“.  Also on the penalty, the ball clearly hit Toby Alderweireld’s hand just before the shot comes in. It’s hit Vestergaard s arm just before that but that’s not relevant. Spurs gained an advantage through the ball coming off the hand of one of their players.... Or is that part of the rule changed mid-season and I’ve forgotten it. Fucked if I know any more.

Ralph didn’t mention him by name but was clearly annoyed with Moussa in his interview at the end. All I’ve got to say to that is, you know he’s a bit rash and a bit reckless and out of form Ralph… and you put him on the pitch when we were holding on for a point.

The first half was brilliant and the best 45 minutes that we’ve produced for a long long time. It’s a pretty low bar to be fair but we were very good. Armstrong and JWP ran the midfield, Tella was a threat from the wings and Ings and Adams proved that you have got to be off your nut to think they are not our best strike partnership. Adams will be wondering how on earth he didn’t score in the first minute though when that rebound came back to him and he smashed it and just about the only place where he wasn’t going to score. It was another brilliant goal by Danny Ings and it’s such a pisser that this condensed season is catching up with him and he keeps on picking up knocks. At the other end of the pitch, Salisu looks a little bit raw at times but he did okay at left back, Not offering a great deal going forward but he defended a lot better than Ryan Bertrand would’ve done.

In the second half it all went to shit. We stopped driving forward and just invited Spurs to press us near our goal.  We got negative.  It was yell at the TV time when having not been in their half for about 10 minutes, we then won a free kick 40 yards out and instead of trying to knock the ball forward to you know, maybe have a shot or something, we took a quick free-kick and went back 40 yards. Ridiculous negativity.

There were some interesting comments from a clearly rattled Ralph at the press conference afterwards, hinting strongly that a number of players are playing for their places next season. It’s all very well and good saying that but unless we can work some magic in the transfer market then we are really not gonna be able to turn around too many players. Who the fuck is going to want pay any money for some of our shit that we don’t want and where are we going to find the money to buy suitable replacements? We haven’t had what you would call a good transfer window for a long time. You are asking for a miracle if you think we are getting rid of all the shit we have out on loan as well as all the shit that we have in the first team squad and then getting in six or seven players who are going to perform consistently a Premier League level.... for £10-£12 million quid a pop.  I hope there’s a plan in place already because nothing can be learned about this lot in the last few games that you don’t know already.

It was very unsurprising that we lost today but the manner of how we lost was depressing. We have two ways of losing. Turn up and do fuck all or turn up play well for half the game and then cave in. The only real surprise today was that we chose the latter method instead of the former.

The season can’t end soon enough and I for one will be very very pleased when we finally get over the line and are not going to get relegated. It’s ridiculous that it has come to this but the games we should be concentrating on for the rest the season are the ones involving West Brom and Fulham and we should be supporting whoever they are playing against. It’s certainly not over yet.