Premier League Match 27 - Arsenal 2 Southampton 0

Concept Saints Away Kit for This Game

And we are back in the room. Today we are going into the game against Arsenal, in the bottom three, needing a point to at least have any chance of getting out of it by close of business on Sunday night.

For the last two weeks, there hasn’t been a lot going on with Saints ensconced in Tenerife on a training trip. Hopefully, Charlie Austin has not been put in charge of the social side of things. Whilst on the trip it emerged not only that Michael Obafemi is still alive but that he has signed a new contract taking him up to 2022 which is good news. As long as Ralph is here, he won’t be behind Shane Long in the pecking order for too long.

So, all was relatively quiet until Virgil Van Dijk of all people, felt the need to try and twist the story about the end of his time at Southampton. The other two players in our recent history who have felt the need to give damage limitation interviews are Adam Lallana and Jose Fonte. What’s the common factor between these three players I wonder?  I guess it’s because they know that at the end, they acted like complete pricks and there is something gnawing away at the back of their mind knowing that for the sake of their personal brand, and for everyone to think that they’re a fine upstanding guy, that they need to try and rewrite history a little bit. I can’t imagine for a second Why Virgil felt the need to bring this up again. As Saints fans I think we except why he wanted to move to Liverpool but there are ways of doing things and he was undoubtedly a prick. Just accept it and get on with Virgil. We have.  You’ll do the same to Liverpool when Barcelona or Real Madrid come calling.

To today and Arsenal and traditionally, we write this fixture off as zero points but we’ve already beaten them once this season so why not again? Under Unai Emery they have been good in patches but not great and their defence is dodgy which is what we exploited at St Mary’s. We have to get on the front foot and try and force them into mistakes but even if we spend time penned back, there will always be opportunities on the break so it could suit us today.  Their home record is very good however so it sure isn’t going to be easy.

Things start well when an early chip forward puts Redmond away on the right wing in loads of space. The cuts in, chops past the last defender and then smashes it straight Leno’s chest and the chance has gone.  This disappointing thing is that he didnl;t really look like he had the belief that he would score.  Arsenal break, we regain the ball and and Stephens has it in the middle of the park and he pisses about with it until he gets tackled. Lacazette brings it forward and feeds Iwobi on the left. His cross into the middle seas Torreira hits the deck and before Grahan Scott can give a penalty or not, Mkhitaryan shoots and Lacazette flicks into the net. He looks offside but he isn’t and so we have gifted them an early goal, again. When you watch it back, Stephens has compounded giving the ball away with jogging back instead of sprinting, pulling down Torreira and then appealing to the referee to not give a penalty rather than marking a man. Fucks sake.

Xhaka pings one just wide from outside the box and suddenly it looks like we might get buried. Saints then have a bit of pressure with Romeu winning three challenges in a row ahead of Arsenal bottle jobs before Targett’s cross is nodded back by Redmond and Armstrong’s header hits and Arsenal defender and gets cleared. We win it back again through Armstrong and he tees up Targett he brings a decent save out of Leno with an angled drive.. As usual, there is an Arsenal player lying on the ground with nothing wrong with him and so eventually the referee decides to stop the game when we are enjoying our best spell of the game. From the restart, Arsenal give us the ball back only they haven’t really as they’ve given it to Stephens who once again fucks around and ends up giving a dreadful backpass to Gunn. Gunn however, should let it just roll off for a corner or smash it for a throw but instead of that he desperately tries to keep it in and presents it to Iwobi 20 yards out. He takes it on, squares across the top of the penalty area and Mkhitaryan rolls into the far post for 2-0.  Another goal they had to work really hard for.

Xhaka is allowed the freedom of the emirates to tee-up Lacazette and it’s only thanks to Bednarek’s block but we’re not 3-0 down. Lacazette then misses an absolute sitter, hoofing over from 5 yards following some more desperate defending in the middle, this time from Bednarek, teeing up the Arsenal players. Gunn then has to save from Lacazette with his feet and it looks like we’re going to get absolutely annihilated. Half-time and the game is over.  I’m reminded of a game at Highbury in the early 90s when we were 4-0 down and for the only time ever, I left early to go to the pub as there was no point in staying.  I love Ian Wright but he scored a hat-trick that day.  Bastard.

Some changes have to be made with Jack Stephens been put out of his misery, along with Stuart Armstrong and Charlie Austin is on with Michael Obafemi.  The reason we never get back into these games is illustrated when at the start of the second-half Xhaka passes straight to JWP on the edge of the box and from right in the middle of the D, JWP smashes it wide.

Obafemi has darted about and started to look dangerous but then he went into full sprint mode and surprise surprise, pulled a fucking hamstring again so off he goes to be replaced by Elyounoussi.

The rest of the second-half is a predictable waste of time with Saints having a couple of decent efforts with Austin’s flicked header making Leno work and then in the last minute, Targett putting in a fine volleyed effort which worked Leno again. Gunn is forced to make a decent save with his foot when Vestergaard desperately tried to stop a cross going across the box and deflected it towards goal but that was about as exciting as it got in the second half as we limped to defeat.

Well that was a waste of fucking time wasn’t it? As predicted, Arsenal weren’t that great but they didn’t have to be. The game was done after half an hour and they just jogged through the second half, three points, thanks for coming.

I really don’t know what else to say about Jack Stephens. Basically, he does not have enough desire to keep the ball out of our fucking net. You can’t be a defender in the Premier League or in any league for that matter without basically taking pride in your defending and enjoying doing that job. I don’t care how good he might be on the ball. He is not as good as he thinks he is. You don’t saunter into midfield after five minutes, piss around and lose the ball. Following that he then tried to give a penalty away and failed only for Arsenal to score anyway. So, with Cardiff’s winner last time out, Stephens has now coughed up three goals in 18 minutes. He has always got away with it in the past and has been cut a lot of slack mainly because he’s been with the club since he was 16 but he is simply not good enough. Put it this way, Wesley Hoedt has made less mistakes all season then Stephens has made in the last three games.

Sit on the Bench With Me and Watch the Carnage

It is not his fault that he is picked however.  It was a bit of a strange line-up all round but Yoshida not being picked was the strangest decision out of the lot.  I guess that like he did with Vestergaard after the Cardiff away error, Ralph wanted to give Jack another chance.  Some selections (Targett over Bertrand) made me think that it was almost as if Ralph had seen Wednesday as a more winnable game. I certainly think that Bertrand will be back on the side for example and there is no way we were going to that game without a striker. I don’t think Gunn will be playing against Fulham either to be honest.

Maybe they just went on the piss for two weeks in Tenerife, mocked up a few training videos and that was that. We had the return of Michael Obafemi today for what it was worth. It’s all very well being lightning quick but if you’re going to pull a hamstring every time you sprint then what’s the fucking point? The guy obviously has some sort of mechanical problem so that’s probably him done for the season so that can be sorted out. (UPDATE: he’s out for the season).  However, why are we relying on an 18 year old who has never completed a game?

The fact is that our only decent, proven striker is Danny Ings and he is always injured, then we have the “unfit can’t play more than half an hour” Charlie Austin and Shane Long. Time for Sam Gallagher to be given a go perhaps?. If Gallagher is given a go however, can we please not just launch every single ball 15 foot up in the air because he is tall.

So who played well today? Valery and Targett were okay as were Bednarek and Vestergaard. The midfield three didn’t do a bad job but it’s a hard game to take any positives out of bearing in mind the last 60 minutes was testimonial paced as far as Arsenal were concerned so anyone saying that so-and-so played well has to come with a massive caveat in that the game was completely done after 30 minutes. We didn’t cave in and lose by more which is a positive I guess but the game should be judged on the first half an hour as the last hour was irrelevant.

Whether we play for at the back of five at the back against Fulham, we have to put them under pressure. Put their defence under pressure and it will crack. They are worse than us so we should back ourselves to outscore them even with our deficiencies upfront. 

The bottom line is that we lost to a team we were expecting to lose to so no need to panic.  However, the ease with which they beat us and the help we gave them was ridiculous.  Keep making it easy for the opposition and we will be getting relegated.  It has to change and that starts now.

Premier League Match 26 - Southampton 1 Cardiff 2

Ralph Shuts His Eyes and Hopes It Was Just a Bad Dream

Because we have had such a shit season, we are looking at the relegation zone and trying to find three teams that are definitely worse than us. I think we can safely assume that Fulham and Huddersfield are going down to the Championship and the 3rd team most people would pick to be relegated with them would be Cardiff City. However, they have shown, particularly at home, a capability to win tight games and they have a spirit that the other two teams do not. So, they are definitely the most likely to escape out of the current bottom three and as we stand, are only two points behind us so we really need to win this game today.

Cardiff have of course been touched by tragedy this last few weeks with the disappearance of Emiliano Sala in a light aircraft crash, who was on Thursday confirmed as the body pulled out of the plane that was located in the English Channel. This is a horrific story. Sala was of course a striker they signed from Nantes but tragically, he will never get to play for Cardiff.  As tends to happen, the tragedy seems to have galvanised the club concerned and it was no surprise to anybody that they beat Bournemouth at home last week. The emotion around the death of the striker is just one additional thing that we must play against today. Because of what happened, most neutrals will be wanting Cardiff to stay up, even though they have Neil Warnock as their manager. Rest in Peace Emiliano Sala. I wish you could’ve been making your debut today.

All that was newsworthy at Staplewood this week was that Maya Yoshida  returned from the Asian Cup in which his Japanese team got to the final before losing to Qatar. The recruitment policy that was put in place as soon as Qatar bribed their way to the the right to hold the World Cup in 2022 is obviously bearing fruit. With Maya returning. It will be interesting to see if he claims back his starting spot from Jack Stephens. Ralph has already pointed out that the last time we kept a clean sheet was the last time that Maya played.

If we lose this game we are probably going to be back in the bottom three whereas a win will see as five points clear of any trouble. We could really do with the latter Ralph please, if that’s okay with you.

The team announcement is interesting because Ryan Bertrand is back in place of Matt Targett. Maya Yoshida has had to settle for a place on the bench and the striker role was filled by Shane Long. Now of course, I hope it works but Cardiff are going to play deep so there’s absolutely going to be no space for Shane to chase lost causes into so I’m not convinced that this is going to work.

Before the game I watch the shooting drill because it’s right in front of me and if you don’t watch it, you can fetch a ball in the face.  I find it interesting because you can tell the players who take it seriously and they’re the ones you would expect and the one’s you would have down as good pros.  JWP usually scores, Valery and Gallagher also, Redmond also etc.  Charlie Austin – corner flag, Austin again – row Z.  I hope he doesn’t get on today.

From the kick-off it appears that we’ve got Jack Stephens playing in midfield when we have the ball which is a new twist and he gets involved to start the first decent chance of the game as Valery makes good ground on the right hand side and the ball eventually ends up with Stephens who slides in Bertrand whose low cross is cleared for a corner.  For some reason we’ve got Berty taking them from the left today so it’s an outswinger which is cleared.  We are looking like we may have some joy as Redmond fastens on to a good ball over the top and from the left hand side he cuts past the defender before shanking it past the near post.

After these bright spots though, the first half degenerates and we make no impression against the massed Cardiff defence.  The left back Bennett looks shite but when either Valery or Redmond gets past him, the cross is cleared with ease.  Cardiff are offering nothing with just long throws from Gunnarson which cause the usual havoc.  The ball lands in the same place every time so why not put the giant Vestergaard there instead of expecting Valery to compete in the air for it?  Half time and 0-0 and patience is a virtue and all that.

We have a tendency to start second halves well how as a result of having a half decent manager and there is more intent as Hojbjerg tries a shot from distance which is comfortably saved by Etheridge.  The next chance is similar as Valery pisses past Bennett again and smashes it at goal but again has drilled it straight at the keeper.

Cardiff then have an attack which doesn’t involve a long throw and win a corner.  Over it comes from Ralls, Paterson wins a header and fuck off for fuck sake. 1-0 down with Bamba, unmarked, knocking it in from two yards.  A few minutes later, the hapless Long is off and Austin is on.  Great.  Let’s see if he brings his warm up shooting drill form to the party.

It doesn’t take long to find out as Valery picks up the ball in our half and set s off on a run and just keeps going.  The midfielders aren't getting back to him and the defence is backing off.  On he goes and hits it – Etheridge half blocks with his legs and it falls to the master finisher, 5 yards out with the keeper nowhere – a scuff, cleared, an airshot and then the similarly useless Elyounoussi (on for Vestergaard) hits it and it gets blocked wide for a corner.  Over it comes and to compound it, a free header for Austin, over the bar.  Fuck sake!!!

Five to go and Gallagher comes on for the excellent Valery with JWP going to right back.  JWP has the next effort as Austin drops his kebab, falls over it and we get a free kick.  Up steps JWP and tries to bounce it past Etheridge low down but the big keeper is equal to it.

90 minutes are up and we are sliding to a pathetic defeat and Romeu puts Redmond away on the left and he trashes past two players and wins a corner.  Over it comes from JWP, a flick on off of Austin’s pint of Stella and there is Stephens at the back post to apply the finishing touches with an almost identical goal to Cardiff’s opener.  With 5 minutes going up on the board we still feel that we can win this.

From our next foray into their half, a big punted clearance and it falls to Stephens on our right.  Under a bit of pressure he decides to try and play it forwards but just presents it to Cardiff.  Forward they come working it out to our left and panic stations set in.  We’re all over the shop with players frantically trying to get back.  A cross comes in and Bednarek half heads it away, in again, a scramble and Zohore scuffs at it with his studs and it rolls along the ground and into the corner of the net.  Two attacks, two goals.  Fuck – just fuck!  Full time.

I don’t know what to say. I really really do not know what to say. I’m fucking speechless. Having rescued a point against completely dismal opposition, we then manage to throw them another goal. It’s absolutely spectacularly unbelievable. Not only that, it’s the same player who does it. Jack Stephens – hero to zero, scored a goal to bring us back into it and then he made a colossal fuck-up which gave the ball to Cardiff from which they ultimately scored. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. So we score to make it 1-1 and the attitude was obviously about going to win the game which explains why Stephens didn’t just clear that ball and instead attempted some sort of ridiculous pass which ended up going straight to Cardiff player. Unfortunately it's a pattern with Jack.  It's like Maya a few seasons ago in that every game there's at least one colossal fuck up which invariably ends up in our net.  Cardiff barely got in our half other than a few long throws in the first half and two goals they got in the second.

In my opinion, Ralph had a shocker today. Cardiff were always going to play like that and they were always going to defend deep so why the fucking hell we play Shane Long upfront is completely beyond me. Let’s face it, the guy is fucking useless anyway but when there is no space so he can’t chase balls behind the defence then he’s even more fucking useless because that’s the only thing he can actually do. He actually didn’t start the day too badly – he turned up at the ground on time, got his kit and boots on alright, did the minutes silence and the team huddle in a reasonable way and was fine until the football got involved.   Particularly from when the second-half starting to when he got substituted, he was playing like a man who just wanted to be put out of his misery. When things are going badly for him, he starts diving around and the referee doesn’t buy it because it’s pathetic and then he starts giving the ball away 3, 4, 5 times in a row and it’s unbelievable that a Premier League footballer can be that bad …. oh hold my beer,  here comes Charlie Austin. The fat and unfit couldn’t give a fuck player who was lashing balls into the crowd during the shooting drill in the warm-up… an absolute embarrassment to the shirt. The master finisher as I’m sure he likes to call himself, after Valery had run 60 yards with the ball and given him an open goal, which he totally made a bollocks of.

So, I fail to see why Long was picked today as a massed deep defence necessitates a physical presence up front so you have the option of getting crosses in from the wings or for playing the ball in high. Playing tippy-tappy shit when you got a striker with the first touch of a trampoline is never going to fucking work. And the substitutions were fucking abysmal. The other game changer who came on with Austin was of course Elyounoussi who yet again provided no evidence that he has got any single ability which might make him anything approaching a premier league footballer. He did fuck all again. The positives today were provided by Valery who was excellent and Bednarek and Vestergaard who were decent.  The severe underperformers were Ryan Bertrand who looked the second most unfit player behind Charlie Austin and Pierre Hojbjerg who was dreadful and spent the whole game passing the ball to the opposition or to empty space, proving that concussion protocols had not been adhered to.

Did Cardiff deserve to win? No they didn’t but they made less catastrophic mistakes than we did at the back and didn’t miss any open goals. We are undoubtedly better than we were but we are still carrying this incredibly soft underbelly. The last game we kept a clean sheet in was when Maya Yoshida was last available so get him back in the fucking team as soon as possible. As far as I’m concerned, up front we have to play either Sam Gallagher or Michael Obafemi when he is fit in the absence of Ings. Out of the three forwards available today, Gallagher is the only one it might improve with coaching or a run of games in the team. Long and Austin are what they are and they’re not going to improve from the level that they are currently at which is not good enough.

We have two weeks and a day until our next fixture which is away at Arsenal. In that time, we need to get Danny Ings fit and hopefully in a state where he can play the majority of the game. Following that we have Fulham at home followed by Manchester United away and Tottenham at home. The fixtures suddenly got a lot more difficult so a run of games where you only got two points out of Crystal Palace, Burnley and Cardiff gets put into context.

This is Southampton. No one ever said it was going to be easy.

PS…  Southampton fans have attracted a lot of negative headlines over two complete pricks thinking it was cool to pretend to be aeroplanes in the Emiliano Sala minute.  They will be identified and banned and good riddance.  In the Family Stand where I sit, I had about six, 5 to 6 year olds sat next to me and they were immaculate during the silence.  I guess the moral of the story is that people no matter how young know how you’re supposed to behave.  Still, I hope that the two arseholes who were acting up felt really cool when they got called out for it.

Premier League Match 25 - Burnley 1 Southampton 1

Sean Allar-Dyche Total Football Dream Team

If I could pick one team in the Premier League and just relegate them that would be Burnley. I don’t like the way they play football and whilst they have players like Jack Cork who I do like, they also have Ashley Barnes who has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp whilst licking piss off a stinging nettle. Last year they qualified for Europe and the football world collectively sighed at how the team such as this could represent England in European football. I didn’t last long because at the start of the season they are absolutely dreadful but they have recovered somewhat recently in the Premier League and much like ourselves, it doesn’t look like they are serious contenders to get relegated.

Ralph has been turning up on TV a bit this week as the broadcasters realise that there may be a bit of a story happening outside the top six. I watched Football Focus this morning and the first question on the Ralph feature was about Jurgen Klopp. Some things never fucking change. There’s a bit of a story happening down at Southampton but let’s talk about Liverpool anyway.  Disrespectful.

In the week, transfer deadline day had been and gone and we had signed precisely no one which to me anyway, it’s perfectly acceptable. Ralph and the board have clearly made a decision that we have enough to stay up this year and that the players leaving this window were all surplus to requirements. Ralph would not have taken the job if it depended on us signing players in January so therefore, I am perfectly happy to except the situation and we will build in the summer.

What is odd is that since Ralph took over and things have taken a turn for the better, it has got progressively harder not to get disillusioned with reading Saints fans opinions on Twitter. We have ridiculous meltdowns about us not signing any players when it was stated on several occasions that our squad was too big. We have Nathan Redmond haters despite him being our best player all season and last week I even saw one of our own fans accusing JWP of racism in the Zaha sending off incident which is complete and utter bollocks. Smash that block button.  Have a different opinion… no problem with that but some people are just dicks for the sake of it.

To today and the big news was that Pierre Hojbjerg had clearly not recovered from the bang on the head he got against Crystal Palace. Into the side came Callum Slattery for his Premier League debut. Elsewhere, Armstrong was restored to the side and JWP was switched to right wing back. I’m really not sure how that’s going to work but it’s good to have both Armstrong and JWP in the team. On the bench, the recently returned from loan Alfie Jones was on the head of Kayne Ramsey and Charlie Austin returns in place of Sam Gallagher after not being sold in the transfer window. I have a strong belief that Austin was never ever seriously going to leave and he is going to see out the remaining year and a half of his Saints contract and then leave on a free. Why would he leave when living near his family, living near his horses and earning £60k a week. Is he that arsed about being a first-team regular? Just throwing that one out there.

The Burnley headline was that Peter Crouch was on the bench as Dyche obviously couldn’t pass up the opportunity in the transfer window  to have a 6 foot 7 striker to go with the 6 foot 4 strikers he already has.

We start confidently and play the ball out of defence to Armstrong, to Targett and he tried to hit the forward run and possibly more by luck than design, he bends a super ball in between the right back and centre back and Ings is clean through.  With the ball bouncing nicely he tries to lift over Heaton but succeeds only in putting it straight at him and he gets in the way. The action isn’t over there as the ball goes to Mee and Slattery comes crunching in with a horrible tackle, misses the ball by miles but somehow gets away with it and isn’t booked.

We are trying to play football when we get the ball under control but most the time it’s waiting for the ball to come down covered in fucking snow as Burnley, with Wood and Barnes up front, haven’t really got much time for subtlety.

Nothing much happens until Ings collapses on the ground with no one near him and has obviously done something, again. Off he goes to be replaced by the newly prolific Shane Long with one goal in his last two games which sounds good when compared with three goals in his last 700 games. You can make stats say whatever you want!

Then, a long ball over the top surprise surprise and Barnes chases it. McCarthy comes out somewhat hesitantly, doesn’t get the ball and Barnes falls over his legs. The referee isn’t giving a penalty and is striding driving over like he is about to book the chewy wasp faced bulldog piss licking arsehole. Bearing in mind that he is about to be booked for diving, it would probably be for the best to not go over on a full rant at the linesman but he does and then he goes Full mental at the referee after he gets booked and is probably somewhat lucky to escape with one yellow card. I wish Andre Marriner was refereeing again. The general consensus on this is that it is a clear penalty but personally, I don’t think this is as clear cut as everyone is making out to be.

Half-time and yet again, it is a bit of a painful game to watch but we played okay and Ashley Barnes is severely wound up which is good news and also, quite funny.

We start the second half really well and nearly take the lead when Targett’s corner from the right is flicked on by someone and booted off the line by Bardsley. We have another chance straight afterwards with Redmond winning the ball, Slattery putting Targett away on the left and his cross being met well by JWP, coming in off the right wing and forcing Heaton into a sprawling save. After three years of risk averse football, it is great to see players in the box when the cross comes over.

Once again we attack with Stephens bringing the ball out of defence, finding Bednarek and his pass forward finds Redmond. Nathan Redmond 2019 turns and runs at the defence, beats Cork and then smashes it right-footed into the bottom corner of the net past Heaton from 20 yards. What a fucking goal.  Nathan Redmond 2018 would not have done that.

Now they’ve gone behind, Dyche reaches deep into his tactical bag of tricks and makes a tactical tweak which basically means launching the ball even more but getting more players over 6 foot 4 in the box. The referee is suddenly having a fucking mare as far as we are concerned with clear offsides not been given and now the Crouch is on, it’s clearly allowable just to hold everybody down whilst you jump. One such foul by Crouch results on the ball dropping for wasp face to smash the ball straight to McCarthy from point blank range but luckily it hits him and stays out.

I have to say the Barnes then produces a brilliant effort as a long cross from the left is headed down to him and he hit it on the volley and it hits the angle of post and crossbar. Brilliant effort from the bulldog piss faced one.  We make a substitution with Redmond coming off to be replaced by Austin. I’m not entirely sure why Ralph is done that as we have taken off a very hard-working player and replaced him with the opposite.

92 minutes played and just one final launch into the box to survive and it comes towards Crouch and Jack Stephens, for reasons only known to him, jumps for the header with his arm straight up in the air above his head. With his eyes shut, a combination of Crouch and himself manage to head the ball against his own arm and it looks like a clear penalty on first look and after giving us the benefit of the doubt in the first half, Anthony Taylor is not about to do it again and so he gives it. Of course, it’s that prick Ashley Barnes to take it and he drills it to McCarthy’s left and he doesn’t even move and two points disappear down the shitter. We managed to kick off and then it’s full time.

First, the sour grapes. I fucking hate Burnley. I hate the way they play I hate the limited smash the ball into the box approach that they have got. I hate Ashley Barnes. I hate Sean Dyche And the fact that he is held up in some sort of managerial Guru when he’s no better than Sam fucking Allardyce. I hate the fact that they sign Peter Crouch as if they haven’t got enough 6 foot 4+ centre forwards. I hate the fact that we can never fucking beat them at Turf Moor despite them being so incredibly limited. It’s like fucking Wimbledon in the 80s without the entertainment of Vinnie Jones kicking the fuck out of everybody. Instead of Vinny they have Ashley Barnes who is just a prick. I’m a big fan of him imploring the referee to make Alex McCarthy get on with kicking the ball out and then deliberately standing in front of Alex to stop him kicking the ball out. Fucking moron.

There are two ways of looking at the penalty incident at the end of the game. On first view - Jack Stephens. What the fuck was he doing? That was a really good performance by us with everybody including him putting in a really solid 94 minutes of effort in a tough game against tough opposition at a difficult ground to go to and he virtually undid all the good work with a real ‘what the fuck’ moment. Just head the fucking ball. It was a meat and drink centre back header. The striker wasn’t in front of him and it was just a case of attacking the ball and heading it into the night sky but no, it’s flap around with your arms like a fucking budgie and give a penalty away. I know you have to use your arms as leverage but they don’t go straight up in the air like that for fuck’s sake. If he hadn’t had his arms in the air, then the referee would probably have given a push by Crouch but it’s just like diving into a tackle in that you make it incredibly easy for the referee to give a decision against you.

So – that was my first reaction but pretty soon after the game, pictures began to emerge of what actually went on in the penalty area and what went on was that Crouch jumped holding Stephens down and yanking his shirt which basically meant Stephens fell backwards which would of course make your arms go up in the air. I’m in two minds over it. I can’t help but feel that if Stephens wasn’t so weak in the air, he would’ve just headed the ball away anyway but, it’s a clear foul by the centre forward so Stephens is a little bit unlucky.  I can now understand why he was giving the referee some after the game.

A Clear Handball and a Clear Foul

Whilst I’m moaning, I fail to understand why Ralph put Charlie Austin on for the last 10 minutes and took off our best player and one with the most pace. I don’t think I saw Austin touch the ball to be honest. They were absolutely scared to death of Redmond it must be getting pretty close to record the England squad with this run of form he is currently on. He was excellent again today and scored a superb goal. Elsewhere I was impressed with all of the back three until the very end, with Vestergaard really standing out as you would expect a against a shite team who just launch the ball into the box.

Romeu and Slattery in midfield were decent with the youngster showing that he can definitely be trusted as he confidently went about his business. Armstrong was a little bit too loose in possession but he certainly adds something when he’s on the pitch. Upfront, the worst possible scenario happened again with Ings getting injured and us only having Shane Long as an alternative.  Ings should’ve scored before he went off and Shane did his usual and that he worked really hard but his quality on the ball was just not there.

At the end of the day, like the point against Palace, this isn’t too bad a result but to cough it up in the last minute in the way that we did is slightly gutting. I would’ve taken a point before the game but when you’re that close to 3 and you give it away as fucking irritatingly as we did, then it hurts.

Never mind. Onwards to the next game which is against Cardiff at home. They are another team that are very limited and we managed to lose to them in Wales so this is one where we really cannot leave anything to chance and we need to make sure we are at least two goals in front before someone decides to punch the ball around the penalty area in the last minute.

Premier League Match 24 - Southampton 1 Crystal Palace 1

Who Wins?  The Referee or the Petulant Twat?

With us abdicating from the FA Cup at the third round stage, we have had a whole 10 days without a game and in that time the club have continued with the squad trimming which was always necessary. 

Out the door on loan to Celta Vigo has gone Wesley Hoedt, on loan for the rest of the season with an option to buy which means we get him back in the summer. Of course, I am sure we would like to have got rid of him permanently but this is the next best thing. Wesley‘s performances this year under Mark Hughes were, to put it politely, inconsistent. I was kind of prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time but the ridiculous goal he gave away at Fulham by trying to show how strong he was in his own corner and then giving the ball away which lead directly to the goal, made me think that this is a guy who is nowhere near as good as he thinks he is and has so much arrogance about him that he is never going to change. I am really not bothered in the slightest about him leaving – he’s not as bad as a lot of people made out but he’s not as good as we need him to be.  When he left he said he had no idea why he had been frozen out as he had done so well in the first half of the season and played 50 consecutive games or something like that. That statement alone is proof that he was a guy who is never going to learn from his mistakes because he can’t admit that he’s made any. On the other hand, of course he is not going to rock up at his new club and say, the new manager didn’t fancy me because I’ve been fucking shit all season and I have an attitude problem. Ironically, on his Celta Vigo debut he managed to get two yellow cards and get sent off so as far as we are concerned, his half season trial has not got off to the best of starts.

Also out the door is the Wet Lettuce.

He’s our Cedric,

Off down the wing he’s electric,

His crosses are fucking pathetic,

Every fuck-ing time

There has been many an occasions over the last two seasons where I’ve been watching Cedric play and thinking that he is going to be the answer to a quiz question in a few years time. Who is the worst fucking player to ever win a major international football tournament? He has had some good games but they’re been many more times when we may have well had a bit of a wet lettuce playing right back and I will miss that goal we always let in with the cross from our left, Stephens missing the ball in the air and then Cedric’s man scoring with a header at the back post whilst our man lettuces around behind him.

Somehow, he has blagged to move to Inter Milan, based I’m sure on him winning Euro 2016 with Portugal. Good luck to the guy but he clearly has not wanted to be a Southampton player since the Portuguese triumph and once more, I’m not bothered in the slightest about him going. His social media stuff has always been hilarious with multiple pictures of the immaculately groomed, tight shirted, Boyband reject. Recently, he has grown a very dodgy moustache and for that reason alone… see you later. I think there are many better right backs who would want to play for Southampton and Ralph Hasenhuttl has obviously seen enough of Yan Valery to decide that he is one of them

21 - The Number of Crosses Before One Lands on the Pitch

To today and Crystal Palace at home – still being managed by Roy Hodgson who endured a very dodgy start which included of all things, losing to a team managed by Mark Hughes.  Palace have a decent collection of players though and have pushed up the league and are now level on points with our good selves.  We have our high wage earners doing nothing and their equivalent in Christian Benteke whoc has not even been in the side recently.  Zaha and Townsend on the wings will be a threat, particularly if the rug that Townsend wears on his head has now raised his height to about 7 foot.  I’ve always liked their central midfield pair of MacArthur and Milovojevic as well and their fans are always worth a mention being loud every time in the away end.  A proper club, no glory hunters, all supporters born and bred Palace.

The line-up Ralph picks is predictable with JWP again preferred to Armstrong.  In fact the only change to the 18 that beat Everton is that Elyounoussi wins a place on the bench in place of the wet lettuce in the tight shirt that was there last time.

The start of the game is odd as we manage to look leggy straight away with Palace sharper into the tackle and with better movement.  We get a break from their first corner as Ings gets his head on it and skews it across his own goal with Vestergaard clearly asking ‘what the fuck was that?’ as it went just wide.  The big issue today is going to be Valery against Zaha and it starts promisingly enough for our youngster as he looks like he’s being outpaced only to steam intot he tackle well and clear the danger.

Mamadou Sakho is of course built like a heavyweight boxer and Danny Ings is not but the big man bottles a challenge out on the right wing and Ings heads directly at goal, teeing up Hojbjerg and his first time effort is comfortably pushed aside by Guaita, preferred today to part-time Hitler impersonator Wayne Hennessey.

Other than that though it’s nearly all Palace with a lack of movement from Saints and the build up being very slow.  Palace are dropping very deep and doing it very quickly and we’re almost being out-Ralphed as they win the ball off our defence.  One such turnover comes when under no pressure though as Targett makes an absolute shite of a routine clearance and it gets worked back to Townsend on the right.  He plays a 1-2 as he works across the top of the box and Romeu trashes him.  The ref is going to give a free kick but no need as it breaks to Zaha who takes a touch and drills it inside McCarthy’s near post.  Shite.  You can’t say it’s not deserved though.

Just one more incident before half time as Stephens takes a poor touch and gives himself a 50-50 with Townsend and he launches himself at it and Marriner doesn’t even give a free kick.  It’s an odd one – if it’s a free kick then a red card isn’t out of the question and we got a bit lucky there.  Half time and 1-0 down and not a lot to get optimistic about.

Mr.Negative-Arsehole behind me has been on fire.  From the first minute to the forty fifth it has been a constant moan.  I am going to politely tell him to shut the fuck up but he’s there with his kid so I’ll save it for another day.  There has been a few empty seats along the row in the first half so we’re having those.

An encouraging start to the second half as Romeu wins a few battles and puts Ings away on the left and he cuts in before smashing one near post for a comfortable save.  Palace have the ball in the net a few minutes later.  They win a corner as Valery again smashes Zaha.  It’s a clear foul or a goal kick if it’s not a foul but Marriner gives a corner.  A foul on McCarthy as it comes in means Sakho’s bundled finish doesn’t matter.

It’s all Palace again and we are not clearing it and giving the ball away on the edge of our penalty area. Sakho is still up after we fail to clear a corner about 5 times and gets a shot in but Bednarek seems to have this happy knack of knowing when to be back on the line and he clears it once more.

The first change sees Armstong on for Valery with JWP moving to right wing back and with no visible improvement as JWP not getting the ball at all, we go 4-2-2-2 as Elyounoussi comes on for Vestergaard and goes onto the right wing.  Incoming Elyounoussi masterclass no doubt.

The ball is still not finding its way out to JWP and Stephens goes left again to Targett and then, completely out of character for the rest of the game, football breaks out.  Targett to Redmond to Armstrong and back to Targett in behind Wan-Bissaka and his pull back is rammed into the net by JWP to make it 1-1.  Didn’t see that coming I have to say.

For some reason, I feel that we’re going to unjustly nick it now and Armstrong tries a curler which beings a decent save out of Guaita.  With us attacking more, we are playing into Palace’s strengths on the break and Stephens ends up giving a corner away after initially trying to wipe Townsend out on the half way line.  More corner based carnage as McCarthy goes all flappy bollocks and he’s at it again from the next corner as he gets nowhere near it but luckily Sakho has a 50p head and it goes over again.  Ralph responds to the latest pressure by being brave again and Hojbjerg is off to be replaced with Slattery.

Away go Palace on the break again down our right and Zaha knocks it past JWP who shoves him out of play.  It’s a clear foul but nothing given.  Zaha just flips.  The the shithousing starts - Firstly JWP fakes to throw the ball at him and then pats his neck and Zaha slaps him away.  Other players get involved to separate them and JWP is just grinning at him.  Yellow card for Zaha for the slap and then the pulls the sarcastic applause routine which never ends well and out comes a second card whilst JWP celebrates.  Zaha continues to clap the ref as he walks off and then has another go over by the dug out.  You have been played like a fiddle you twat.

We only have a few minutes to try and take advantage.  Slattery is getting on the ball and spreading the play about and he hoists in a cross and it’s Guaita’s turn to go full Flappy and Armstrong’s shot is blocked by a defender.  Full time.

We have got to be delighted with getting a point out of that because the 75 minutes of the game, we were pretty dreadful. Palace set up to defend very deep and hit on the break through Zaha and Townsend. Hodgson was obviously very wary of Redmond and Ings and so he negated that by getting 11 men behind the ball and playing very deep so as to leave no space behind at all. Our other main attacking ploy is of course to win the ball off of the oppositions defence and Palace didn’t give us much chance to do that either by quickly sending it long into the spaces behind the fullbacks. Because Palace dropped deep, we had a lot of possession but there was a definite lack of movement in front of whoever had a ball. When Armstrong came on and to a much lesser extent, when Elyounoussi came on, at least we had some players moving into spaces and that’s how we ultimately got the equaliser. The change in formation was exactly the right call and I was impressed with Slattery who found pockets of space and kept the ball moving quickly which is something that was lacking before. I can’t help but feel that Hojbjerg was hampered by the big stupid fucking bandage around his head.

Aside from Targett, we haven’t got any left-footed players on the pitch so yesterday everything seemed to go down the left-hand side as no one wanted to ping a ball from left to right and this was really highlighted when JWP was switched to right wingback and didn’t touch the ball for 15 minutes. Ironically, his goal came from his first touch after he had been waiting for a pass for fucking ages. Us attacking down the left meant we were relying on Targett to provide ammunition for the strikers but he was up against the excellent Wan-Bissaka who he did not have the beating of. It was only when we actually played some passes around the fullback that Targett managed to get the cross over for the equaliser.

Wilfred Zaha. He always used to be a right petulant little fucker and it appears that some things never leave you. Firstly, he was fouled but what happened after that was fucking ridiculous. Allowing himself to get wound up by JWP shithousing was one thing but to get booked and then sarcastically applaud the referee is only going to end one way and off you go.  I can’t imagine he’s not gonna get away without an additional ban for basically, repeating the offence that he got his second booking for. Quality shit housing by JWP though maybe a shame it didn’t happen earlier in the game.

It’s hard to pick out any standout players from this game as everyone was kind of average from McCarthy and his hesitation and crosses into a box right through to Ings and Redmond with their lack of threat upfront.

Overall, we were lucky to get a point and Palace will be kicking themselves that they didn’t put it to bed at the start the second half. It was a really good job that I don’t have a decent centre forward and that Sakho has a 50p for a head.

Ralph had a little pop at the fans afterwards for being impatient about our slow build-up. I know what he’s saying but surely he appreciates that a lot of fans are fucking idiots. Yes, that’s you who sits directly behind me that I’m talking about. Also, we have had 2 1/2 years of this shit so it’s not surprising that the first sign of it returning brings a few complaints. I think we all know that Ralph would like a more in-your-face team that plays at full pelt for 90 minutes but he can’t do it with the players that we have got and as he said at the fans forum the other day, this season is just about staying up.

Of course it would’ve been nice to win today but a draw is not the worst result in the world. Off we go next week to Burnley for another must not lose game. Every time we go to Burnley, we managed to play shit and usually lose. Last year of course we got a Bobby Madley assisted equaliser in the last minute but I feel that we owe them one and whilst I’m not expecting it to be a particularly good game, it will be good to come back with our 2019 unbeaten run in the league still intact.