The Audiobook Version is Particularly Nauseating
So will the first game at 2018, a home game against Crystal
Palace be another two steps back after half a step forward or would it be the
start of better times ahead for Southampton Football Club after the Annus
Horribilis that was 2017. As if everyone
wasn’t feeling positive enough after the Manchester United game, the club
wheeled out Motivational Hockey Guy Ralph Krueger to answer some questions from
the local journalists.
I saw the link come up on Twitter and before I listened to
it I was thinking that this is bad timing because if we get beat tonight then
it’s all going to get thrown back at him big time. Anyway, I think the local journalist, Adam
Blackmore knew that he couldn’t fuck around with his questions so when he piled
in on question one with ‘finishing eight and the cup final got the last manager
sacked….’, it was a test for Ralph and his talent for Management Bollockspeak
but one which he passed with flying colours, coming across like one of those
annoying fuckers you see on LinkedIn and coming out with phrases that you never
hear anyone in football come out with like “we finished in single digits”. I
assume what he means by that is that we finished between first and ninth. You
see, it all makes perfect sense. When you actually wade through the
Bollockspeak and look what he actually had to say, it is clear that we are no
longer selling the top four dream to the fan base which anyone with half a
brain new was completely unrealistic anyway. The trouble was that he got this message
across in a rather patronising way by repeatedly stating that we are a ‘small
club’. Yes Ralph, compared to the super
rich Wanker Clubs at the top, we are small but don’t say we’re small compared
to 7th – 20th in the Premier League or anyone else
further down.
The annoying thing for me was that he wanted to blame the Virgil
van Dijk situation for everything. It
has cast a cloud over the squad and the managers work apparently. Oh ok then.
Personally I do subscribe to the ‘one bad apple’ theory to a degree,
especially when it’s a player previously seen as a leader (see Fonte
also). Personally, I could have done
with him making a reference to the last three transfer windows which have all left
issues unresolved. He’s never going to
make a negative reference to the current manager or the Board’s record in
appointing the last two managers but the inference that all would now be OK
with Pellegrino because van Dijk has now gone is completely laughable. Despite
saying that finishing eight was fantastic for a small club like Southampton, he
justified the Claude sacking by saying that it was based on a feeling or the
big picture, rather than an individual event (ie, finishing 8th,
getting to a Cup Final). I guess what he means is that Claude wasn’t a right
fit for the philosophy of the club, whatever that is these days. If Claude
sacking was based on a feeling then I do wonder how he cannot have a feeling
that Mauricio Pellegrino is totally out of his depth and/or a fucking idiot.
So to today and now that Virgil has gone, I assume everything will be okay. Well it didn’t start terribly well with Wesley Hoedt being ruled out with a concussion, I assume picked up when he nutted the back of Lukaku’s head on Saturday. This raised a horrifying prospect of replacing him with Jan Bednarek, one of the embodiments of our last crap transfer window. As it turned out, the tombola brought in the lesser of two evils, Jeremy Pied, with Jack Stephens moving to centre back to partner Maya Yoshida against Christian Benteke. Fucking hell this is going to be fun. Elsewhere, Ryan Bertrand was back with Sam McQueen dropping out altogether and up front, in a game we have to win, so scoring nil is not an option, we have a striker who hasn’t scored since February.
Crystal Palace have amazed me and Roy Hodgson has amazed me in that he has produced a really good recovery from probably the worst start in Premier league history and they will comfortably stay up. They don’t have much of a defence especially without the injured Dann and Sakho but they have goals in their team, they have battlers and physicality and they also have pace in the side in Zaha and Townsend and most importantly, they all seem to be pulling in the right direction and playing for a manager who they respect.
Away we go on a pitch that looks quite heavy and our first ball forward is not cleared properly and Tadic chests it into the path of Shane Long who has a clear sight of goal and the opportunity to give us a dream start but he smashes it into Row Z. Crap.
So to today and now that Virgil has gone, I assume everything will be okay. Well it didn’t start terribly well with Wesley Hoedt being ruled out with a concussion, I assume picked up when he nutted the back of Lukaku’s head on Saturday. This raised a horrifying prospect of replacing him with Jan Bednarek, one of the embodiments of our last crap transfer window. As it turned out, the tombola brought in the lesser of two evils, Jeremy Pied, with Jack Stephens moving to centre back to partner Maya Yoshida against Christian Benteke. Fucking hell this is going to be fun. Elsewhere, Ryan Bertrand was back with Sam McQueen dropping out altogether and up front, in a game we have to win, so scoring nil is not an option, we have a striker who hasn’t scored since February.
Crystal Palace have amazed me and Roy Hodgson has amazed me in that he has produced a really good recovery from probably the worst start in Premier league history and they will comfortably stay up. They don’t have much of a defence especially without the injured Dann and Sakho but they have goals in their team, they have battlers and physicality and they also have pace in the side in Zaha and Townsend and most importantly, they all seem to be pulling in the right direction and playing for a manager who they respect.
Away we go on a pitch that looks quite heavy and our first ball forward is not cleared properly and Tadic chests it into the path of Shane Long who has a clear sight of goal and the opportunity to give us a dream start but he smashes it into Row Z. Crap.
Another decent chance goes begging and I can’t remember too
much about it and I can’t be arsed to rewatch the highlights and then Bertrand
gets sent away down the left and whips a great ball over which is ends up with
Pied over on the right. Instead of
chipping it back he takes his time and sends it across low into space and a Saints
player reacts first and cracks it into the net past a stunned Hennessey and a
disbelieving crowd. Why disbelieving…. It’s
Shane Long. Fuck me it’s a new year. I had no idea who scored it as I was up the
other end and I forgot my glasses. It
was all slightly blurred which I find, is the best way to watch Saints these
days.
For the rest of the half we don’t do much. Palace are fucking woeful but we seem content
to just sit there and let the half play out.
You know because of this manage that this is exactly what he wants us to
do. Just sit back, be passive and try
and win 1-0… against a very average side at home.
So, 1-0 up but it really should be more but we’ve sat back
once again after scoring. There’s no way
Palace will be as bad in the second half so we may have missed the boat
here. Sure enough, as the teams emerge
for the second half, Palace have removed the ineffective Cabaye and brought on
van Aanholt which I assume will mean either he or Schlupp to the left wing and
Zaha up front with Benteke. We
predictably start with the same team though how Tadic has done enough in those
45 minutes to stay on the pitch is beyond me.
It starts fairly even but Palace have the first good chance
as Benteke gets the ball with his back to goal.
He turns with all the grace of an oil tanker but he still gets the shot
away and McCarthy gets down well to keep it out by the post. Palace have takjen over possession now and
we’re digging in and not creating a thing.
Hodgson makes another sub, sending in the massive unit that is Sako and
throwing him up front with Benteke, with Zaha going back out to the left. This is so much like the Burnley game when
they threw on a big striker it’s untrue.
Pellegrino gets Davis warmed up and ready to come on – surely the end of
Tadic who has actually managed to get worse since half time.
Four minutes it takes – that’s all. Palace win a free kick on our right after a
horrible lunge and miss by Long. The
initial free kick is half cleared and crossed back in again. It’s headed back across at the back post and
Pied and JWP have totally lost the players they were marking and they’re
queueing up at the back post to knock it in, MacArthur does and 1-1. Predictable.
Davis is still ready to come on and on he comes for JWP so tadic gets to
stink the place out for longer. We need
another goal so naturally, take off the set piece taker who is bar far not the
worst player we have on the pitch.
With us struggling to get anything going forward, and losing
the midfield battle and losing in the physicality stakes, Pellegrino decides to
match up Palace with 4-4-2, even though we don’t have the players to do this,
especially when you take Hojbjerg off who a) has been our best midfielder by a
mile and b) is one of the physical players.
On comes Gabbiadini and he has one chance to rectify this horrendous
fuck up with his final substitution.
Lemina is the only player who might make a difference to the situation
but Pellegrino burns the last chance by sending on Redmond for Tadic who has
finally done enough to get substituted.
It takes one minute.
The Gods of Football are looking down and they decreed that a manager
can’t possibly be this stupid and inept and get away with it. Palace go down the right and a low cross to
the edge of the box where there is a Palace player in a very large Hojbjerg
shaped space and Milovojevic curls it into the bottom corner, giving McCarthy
no chance at all. Forster would have
been blamed for it if he’d been in goal mind you.
More predictability – we won’t do anything. The closest we get is a corner which Romeu
flicks on and it goes just wide with Gabbi failing to get a touch at the far
post, due in part to McArthur having a big handful of his shirt. Ref’s don’t give that these days though as
the initiative only lasted a few weeks.
The last chance is for Palace and Zaha and it sums up where
we are not good enough. Hennessey
launches it and Stephens waves his foot at it like an Under 8 player who has
never headed a ball in his life. The
ball bounces and Zaha clearly can’t believe that a defender can be that shit
and smashes it over the bar.
The second half was as crushingly predictable as anything has been over the last two seasons. It was obvious that there was no way the Palace would be as bad in the second half as they were in the first. Hodgson beefed things up – Cabaye went off for van Aanholt, Sako came on for Schlupp so they had two monsters up front against our fragile defenders. When they began to take over the midfield, it was obvious that they were going to score the next goal and sure enough they did. When it was 1-1, there was only one team that was going to go in front and they weren’t playing in red and white and once Palace went in front, there was no way on Gods green Earth that we were going to score. The managers part in this was to ensure that it happened, firstly by a lack of activity before the Palace equaliser and then some absolutely brainless shit once they scored.
The first half was pretty crap as well. We have a great chance to take the lead in
the first minute, then we scored, then we sat back and did fuck all for the
rest of the first half instead of trying to put the game to bed when Palace
were there for the taking.
The substitutions were incredible in their lack of effect and predictable lack of effect. Steve Davis had been ready to come on for a good three or four minutes when we were one nil up. I though the first sub would be Lemina for Tadic as Tadic had been wank but ok, Davis for Tadic might not be too bad. Davis was still waiting to come on when we let the first goal in so the game has completely changed. It is no longer good enough to hang onto the score that we have and we have to go out and get another goal but he made the same change that he was going to make whilst we were still leading. I dare say that he may have dynamically decided (*** sarcasm alert **) to substitute a different player but somehow I doubt that. As it was, he took off JWP who wasn’t having a great game but when you need a goal, you kind of need a guy who can take free kicks and corners and he was also doing a good job helping Pied defensively. So Davis came on and Tadic, who had been a complete and utter fucking waste of space all game got moved to the right hand side where he has consistently proved to be utter shit.
Things started to look even more wonky from that point and then he bought Gabbiadini on and took off Hojbjerg who was easily our best midfielder and this meant that Steve Davis got moved into the the defensive midfield position, where he has consistently proved to be at shit. Subsequently, we end up playing 4-4-2 with Redmond on to eventually put Tadic out of his misery and it’s the same four midfielders, Redmond, Romeu, Davis and Boufal that played when we went 4-4-2 against Burnley and Pellegrino said afterwards, that it doesn’t work with those four players because three of them are too small. Why not try it again then you fucking idiot. We lost our Burnley game as well and we lost this one. He did it in another game as well which I can’t remember but it didn’t work then either.
It’s not just Pellegrino’s fault as some of the players really need to have a long look at themselves. Dusan Tadic – fucking hell. When he plays in the number 10 position he is ahead of the ball quite a lot and he never moves. He makes a run away from the defender so what happens is that the deeper midfielders either can’t pass to him or if they do he just loses it because he’s not strong enough to hold off the defender and he’s made no move to get away from the defender. So is that Tadic just being a lazy bastard or is it Pellegrino picking him in a position where he is just not suited. To me, a simple change would have been to swap Tadic and Boufal over but no.
The substitutions were incredible in their lack of effect and predictable lack of effect. Steve Davis had been ready to come on for a good three or four minutes when we were one nil up. I though the first sub would be Lemina for Tadic as Tadic had been wank but ok, Davis for Tadic might not be too bad. Davis was still waiting to come on when we let the first goal in so the game has completely changed. It is no longer good enough to hang onto the score that we have and we have to go out and get another goal but he made the same change that he was going to make whilst we were still leading. I dare say that he may have dynamically decided (*** sarcasm alert **) to substitute a different player but somehow I doubt that. As it was, he took off JWP who wasn’t having a great game but when you need a goal, you kind of need a guy who can take free kicks and corners and he was also doing a good job helping Pied defensively. So Davis came on and Tadic, who had been a complete and utter fucking waste of space all game got moved to the right hand side where he has consistently proved to be utter shit.
Things started to look even more wonky from that point and then he bought Gabbiadini on and took off Hojbjerg who was easily our best midfielder and this meant that Steve Davis got moved into the the defensive midfield position, where he has consistently proved to be at shit. Subsequently, we end up playing 4-4-2 with Redmond on to eventually put Tadic out of his misery and it’s the same four midfielders, Redmond, Romeu, Davis and Boufal that played when we went 4-4-2 against Burnley and Pellegrino said afterwards, that it doesn’t work with those four players because three of them are too small. Why not try it again then you fucking idiot. We lost our Burnley game as well and we lost this one. He did it in another game as well which I can’t remember but it didn’t work then either.
It’s not just Pellegrino’s fault as some of the players really need to have a long look at themselves. Dusan Tadic – fucking hell. When he plays in the number 10 position he is ahead of the ball quite a lot and he never moves. He makes a run away from the defender so what happens is that the deeper midfielders either can’t pass to him or if they do he just loses it because he’s not strong enough to hold off the defender and he’s made no move to get away from the defender. So is that Tadic just being a lazy bastard or is it Pellegrino picking him in a position where he is just not suited. To me, a simple change would have been to swap Tadic and Boufal over but no.
In fairness, Stephens and Yoshida weren’t too bad, possibly
because Benteke is so out of form but the Under 8s defending in the last minute
when Stephens waved his foot at a Hennessey goal kick that bounced in the edge
of our box was a thing of beauty. Jeremy
Pied did well for the goal but he reminds me of a kids player who can’t kick a
ball far enough.
As for the rest of the players, well I was impressed with Alex McCarthy and Pierre Hojbjerg was good again. It was of course amazing to see Shane Long score a goal but that’s probably his one for 2018. He should’ve scored after 15 seconds and again when we were to one down when he had a chance to chip the keeper and instead smacked out the fucking moon.
We have too many players who are bottom six players. Pied, Yoshida, Stephens, Tadic, Long and the likes of Davies, Redmond, JWP aren’t much above that. Ralph can put as much Shiny Happy Motivational Bollockspeak as he likes around that and it won’t change a thing and nor will Virgil not being here any more.
Over to you Les – you have £75 million to spend and I suggest you do it quickly. The only job to do before that is to get rid of the useless manager. Barring a miracle, we are going out of the FA Cup in our next game away at Fulham so that is the season over as far as anything positive is concerned. We are in a relegation fight with nine out of our last 16 games away from home. Unless we sign some players and sign them soon then there is only one way that we are going. As it stands at the moment, I cannot see us getting ourselves out of it. We have a potent combination of average players, a shit manager and suspect attitudes. The only hope is that there is some utter shit in the Premier League this year but at the moment, we are one of the worst four teams along with Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.
As for the rest of the players, well I was impressed with Alex McCarthy and Pierre Hojbjerg was good again. It was of course amazing to see Shane Long score a goal but that’s probably his one for 2018. He should’ve scored after 15 seconds and again when we were to one down when he had a chance to chip the keeper and instead smacked out the fucking moon.
We have too many players who are bottom six players. Pied, Yoshida, Stephens, Tadic, Long and the likes of Davies, Redmond, JWP aren’t much above that. Ralph can put as much Shiny Happy Motivational Bollockspeak as he likes around that and it won’t change a thing and nor will Virgil not being here any more.
Over to you Les – you have £75 million to spend and I suggest you do it quickly. The only job to do before that is to get rid of the useless manager. Barring a miracle, we are going out of the FA Cup in our next game away at Fulham so that is the season over as far as anything positive is concerned. We are in a relegation fight with nine out of our last 16 games away from home. Unless we sign some players and sign them soon then there is only one way that we are going. As it stands at the moment, I cannot see us getting ourselves out of it. We have a potent combination of average players, a shit manager and suspect attitudes. The only hope is that there is some utter shit in the Premier League this year but at the moment, we are one of the worst four teams along with Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.
If the manager stays – we are getting relegated. Spin that one Ralph.
No comments:
Post a Comment