Oi You... Out... You Don't Play for Spurs or United
(Writtem before the Spain friendly)
Having had the easiest qualification group in the history of
modern civilisation, England have organized some high profile friendlies
against decent countries… the kind of opposition that Wayne Rooney never scores
against if it’s a competitive game. The
idea is probably to get us into some sort of shape for the tournament itself
but this of course will be offset by England’s traditional half arsed
6-subs-at-half-time-keep-the-big-clubs-managers-happy approach. We all know that if the big names like Rooney
play badly in these games then it won’t make any difference to their chances of
selection for the tournament but if Jamie Vardy has a poor game in one of his
cameo appearances on the wing then he’ll be discarded and replaced in the squad
by Daniel Sturridge, even if he doesn’t play a single one of these friendlies,
which he won’t because he’ll be in a full body cast.
I thought it would be fun to try and predict what Uncle
Roy’s squad will be for Euro 2016. I have made the assumption that everyone
will be fit which of course they won’t be.
Excuse the cynicism that will no doubt pervade the rest of this article.
Goalkeepers – These will be Joe Hart and Jack Butland. The third one will be Fraser Forster if he’s
back playing by then. Once you’re past
these three then the cupboard is pretty bare as you’re down to the horrific
John Ruddy.
Right Back – Nathaniel Clyne will be first choice as he’s
now a much better player than last year because he plays for Liverpool. There won’t be a second right back on the
plane because one of the centre backs will play there, probably John Stones who
will in fact probably start because the media will demand his inclusion
somewhere in much the same way as they demanded Raheem Sterling in the starting
line up for the World Cup. Other right
backs who get in the squad occasionally include Kyle Walker who gets in because
he plays for Spurs and no other reason. He
can’t defend and has no positional sense – other than that he’s great.
Left Back – It’ll be Shaw and Baines if Shaw is fit. He’ll probably be half fit so Baines will
start and it’ll be proven yet again that he cannot defend for shit. Ryan Bertrand will be left out no matter how
well he plays for the rest of the season and will be behind Kieran Gibbs in the
pecking order because not playing for Arsenal will be ranked above playing
every game for Southampton. Spurs have
an English left back as well so Bertrand will probably be 5th
choice.
Centre Backs – Cahill and Smalling will start no matter how
bad Cahill is in Chelsea’s defence this season.
It’s scary how Smalling has suddenly become our best centre back but he
has improved so fair play. You would
think that the other two in the squad will be Phil Jagielka and John
Stones. However, here is always the
chance of Phil Jones sneaking in there because 5 years ago, someone said he was
the new Duncan Edwards when he’s in fact, the new Phil Neville as he can play
badly in a number of positions. This
does not make him versatile. In his main
position of centre back he’s like a cross between Dejan Lovren (out of position
and desperately trying to recover) and Steven Caulker (ball watcher). He’s a Roy favourite though and apparently,
according to Roy, “the country will ask questions if Phil Jones isn’t selected.”
Defensive Midfield – This will be interesting because Eric
Dier may well make a late run because a) he plays for Spurs, b) he plays for
Tottenham, c) Come on you Spurs and d) When the Spurs go Marching In. Then you have my two favourites in Milner and
Henderson who are both symptomatic of the problem that we’ve had in the England
team for 40 years – an inability to keep the ball. They run around a lot but have little actual
ability with the ball. This apparently
makes them reliable (in the same way that Phil Jones is versatile). They will
both certainly be in the squad and one if not both of them will be in the
starting XI. Roy seems to love Michael
Carrick despite pulling out of about 10 England internationals in a row. Opposition midfielders will be gagging for
the chance to put him under the slightest pressure so he’ll be useless. However, Roy rates the non-tackling,
non-running central midfielder. If fit,
Jack Wilshere will be selected and probably stuffed into defensive midfield
where he’s not very good. Fabian Delph
will probably fit into this category as well and he should be fresh after
playing about 5 games for Manchester City this season. Then we have Deli Alli who Hodgson said would
be straight back into the Under 21s after the last game but of course, he
isn’t. Billed as a defensive midfielder,
he came on as sub at Number 10 so who knows?
He might have a chance because of who he plays for as opposed to Jonjo
Shelvey who will fall by the wayside as the season goes on as Swansea
struggle. He’s not a big name and not at
a big club so will be easy to leave out as no one in the media will give a
shit.
Attacking Midfield – Ross Barkley has been the best player
in England’s last few internationals but isn’t trusted by Hodgson so he’ll be
in the squad but probably not in the team as Rooney will have to play somewhere
won’t he. Adam Lallana will get in the
squad as there’s always room for a player who clearly has fitness issues and
you need them when you have potentially 6 games in a month. I wonder if they still give out physical
England caps and if they do, does Lallana get 60% of one, without the peak or
something. Raheem Sterling will start on
the left despite not having anything resembling a left foot but he cost a lot
of money so he’ll be in. On the right
will probably be Theo Walcott whose best position is down the middle but Rooney
plays there. Alex Chamberlain will be in
the squad as well as he always is as he’s used to playing 1 game in 5 for his
club and it might affect his confidence if he’s not selected. Another who is probably better played
centrally but he’ll be out on the wing because he can run. I’d better include Jamie Vardy on here as if
he makes the cut, he’ll be in the squad as an unused reserve left winger, even
if he scores in every game he plays from now to the end of the season. Mind you, to even get in the squad he’ll have
to withstand the challenge of Danny Welbeck who will probably get one goal in
the last game of the season and get in.
Strikers – We all know that Rooney will play and we all know
that he should not be a starting player for England any more. He’ll start, probably as the number 10. He would be the main striker but for the
emergence of Harry Kane who will start because a) he deserves to and b)
Tottenham Tottenham, no one can stop them.
Actually, the one thing that will stop Kane starting will be Daniel
Sturridge who will play if he can get a shirt on over his full body cast and
some socks on over his two protective boots.
As I said, Rooney will start even though the world can see that he’s
gone as a top level footballer. The
English disease of keeping a player past his sell by date as a reward for his
past achievements. It’s one of the
reasons we do nothing in these tournaments and will continue to do that. Top level sport is about being ruthless and
decisive and we are just not that. We
took Frank Lampard to the last World Cup for Christ’s sake.
So, My (depressing) Prediction for Roy Hodgson’s England
Squad for Euro 2016 is:
Hart, Butland, Forster
Clyne, Baines, Shaw, Cahill, Smalling, Stones, Jones
Wilshere, Henderson, Milner, Carrick, Lallana, Sterling,
Chamberlain, Barkley, Walcott, Rooney, Kane, Sturridge, Welbeck
Gibbs, Bertrand, Jagielka, Alli, Dier, Delph, Shelvey &
Vardy will all miss out.
The starting XI will be:
Hart; Stones, Cahill, Smalling, Baines; Henderson, Wilshere,
Carrick; Rooney, Kane, Sterling
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