Welcome to 10 Months of Bollocks

AUGUST

Thomas Vermaelen volleys an opponents head into the Arsenal dugout but Wenger did not see the incident.  Southampton Academy Graduate Luke Shaw scores against Manchester United which Arsene Wenger sees with his own eyes from London.  Brendan Rodgers gives first speech about being crushed by the weight of Liverpool’s glorious past and signs Swansea’s best player, Michael Laudrup.   Reading swoop in deadline day deals for Josef Stalin and Mikhail Gorbachev.  Roberto di Matteo still hasn’t unpacked his stuff in his new office.  Kieron Dyer breaks ankle in party incident with Titus Bramble who gets found not guilty.  Martin O’Neill offers £140 million for Steven Fletcher but Wolves say he’s worth more because he had a game for Scotland about 4 years ago.  ‘Arry Redknapp hangs around TV studios like a relic of football's past that won't go away.

SEPTEMBER

Wayne Rooney unveils his new patented Champions League squirrel on his head.  Mario Balotelli arrested for accidentally shooting 24 people in the Trafford Centre in a spot of high jinks.  Southampton Chairman Nicola Cortese introduces shooting of journalists as half time entertainment.  Pass launched in August by West Ham centre back Winston Reid finally lands.  Carlos Tevez named as a sub which triggers a £5 million bonus for number of sub appearances.  England rise to No 1 in FIFA World Rankings after hard fought 1-0 win against San Marino.  Roberto Martinez is hailed by Dave Whelan as “the best manager in the history of the world ever” after watching his Wigan side break the record for most consecutive 7-0 defeats at home in front of 2,363 home fans at the DW.

OCTOBER

Sam Allardyce takes a week off to have surgery so he can see over to rolls of fat on his face.   NASA instruct the US Airforce to shoot down footballs above Upton Park, believing they are an unidentified satellite. Tony Pulis signs Luol Deng from the NBA to partner Crouchie up front.  Rio Ferdinand forgets to put boots on for a match.  Sven Goran Eriksson declares an interest in managing anyone who gets a new owner this season.  Still looking for his first win as Spurs boss, Andre Villas-Boas cries publicly.  Opta reveal that Rory Delap has a higher pass completion rate from throw-ins than he does from using his feet.  Mark Lawrenson passes a worthwhile comment on Match of the Day.

NOVEMBER

The FA investigates betting patterns on two separate incidents as first Sam Allardyce is put on gardening leave at West Ham so he can grow his own pies and  ‘Arry Redknapp takes over and the media think it’s triffic’.    More surprisingly, Gareth Bale accidentally rides a challenge without falling over.  FA Corruption until find several accumulator bets on both incidents occurring, placed at a bookies in Sandbanks.  With the end of his ban imminent, the FA add another 4 games on Joey Barton’s ban for the damage caused to the fresh air in front of Carlos Tevez in May.  Roberto di Matteo feels brave for a second and unpacks a picture of his wife and kids and puts it on the managers desk.  Fenway Sports Group announces the completion of Liverpool’s signings in the January transfer window.  In an unsurprising development, Fulham are dull.

DECEMBER

John Terry caught in nightclub fracas with black team-mates ex-girlfriends hamster stuck up his arse whilst changing into his kit - offering the privilege of watching to anyone for £10 grand probably not his smartest move.  Arsene Wenger talks about all his January targets who are all under contract at Southampton whilst criticizing conduct of Barcelona who want Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.  Mario Balotelli lands on the moon.  Delia Smith serenades the Carrow Road faithful from the middle of the pitch with a drunken rendition of ‘if you hate Paul Lambert clap yer hands’.  Rooney’s Champions League squirrel is stolen and an appeal is launched for its safe return.  Andre Villas-Boas organizes Spurs Christmas party but Daniel Levy insists it’s also the End of Season Party and the Manager Leaving Party.

JANUARY

Ashley Young and Howard Webb seen scratching eachothers backs in United training session.  Arsenal make £3million offer to buy everyone within 10 miles of Southampton who is under the age of 18.  Rio Ferdinand forgets his own name.  Nigel Adkins and Nicola Cortese unveil Tony Soprano as new Saints hitman.  Brendan Rodgers signs Scouser Rickie Lambert for £70million and backs this up by returning to Swansea to sign then tea lady and kit man for a combined £20 million.  All will score more goals than Andy Carroll.  Rumours of Stoke signing Messi prove unfounded when he fails the “6 foot 4” criteria at his medical.  Fake Rooney Squirrel’s are confiscated from a warehouse in Liverpool.  Marouane Fellani manages to go within 10 yards of a player at Goodison Park without fouling him.  ‘Arry Redknapp gives an interview through his car window saying “I’m not a faaaking Wheeler dealer right” as he drives off over the foot of a Sky reporter.

FEBRUARY

Wales have a friendly, Gareth Bale withdraws injured and plays for Spurs the next day.  Youth player gets a game for Chelsea as 35 year old Frank Lampard gets a run out in the Capital One Cup.  Sir Alex plays reserve team in fixture before Champions League Quarter Final – nothing happens.  Arsene Wenger states Arsenal will win the treble despite being out of everything and 24 points behind in the league.  Rafa Benitez is still hanging round waiting for a big job.  Manchester City stage their yearly training ground mass brawl which Mario Balotelli wins after punching himself in the face.  

MARCH

Fernando Torres scores first goal of the season and is now officially back to his best.  Chelsea knocked out of Champions League, Roberto di Matteo puts picture of wife and kids back in the box from whence it came.  Manchester City clinch the title and Roberto Mancini says that United are still the favourites.  Meanwhile, Arsene Wenger says this is his best team ever and they will win the treble. Luis Suarez drop kicks a female linesperson in the head but is defended by Gus Poyet as it’s all part of the culture in Uruguay.  Nigel de Jong trashes through the back of someone in a game that finished in February.  Sky run adverts advising that they are adding three more zeroes to the sponsorship deal and abolishing anything before 1992.

APRIL

Nigel Adkins breaks interview cliché World record with an enthusiastic repeat of every other interview he’s ever given.  Mario Balotelli declares himself King.  Opta computer blows up when James Milner unexpectedly passes the ball to a team-mate. ‘Arry Redknapp surveys his 53 man West Ham squad and declares he’s down to the bare bones.  Rooney unveils new ‘Europa League’ Squirrel Hairpiece for next season.  Fulham…. yep, still dull.  Fenway Sports Group issue a press release in honour of Liverpool’s title win next season. Twitter rumours of Alan Pardew being caught with a players wife, Kate Middleton, Pippa Middleton’s Arse, Jessica Ennis and Ann Widdecombe are denied by Newcastle United.

MAY

John Terry court case for Hamstergate finally starts and his defence that he did it but not in a bad way gets him off.  Ashley Cole character reference probably helps.  Stewart Downing celebrates second successive season without a goal or an assist with a call up to the England squad.  Kieron Dyer gets new 4 year deal at QPR as he nears fitness.  Rio Ferdinand diagnosed with Alzheimers before a second opinion reveals that he’s just thick.  Michael Owen announces on Twitter than he’s nearly made a decision on which club to join for the 2012/13 season and he hope to push for a place on the England bench as it’s the only bench to be on.  Southampton don’t get relegated and we all live happily ever after – apart from Fulham who are dull.