Premier League Guesswork Predictions

"Don't base your bets on anything you read here...."

At the start of the last two seasons I have predicted where every team would finish along with a small write –up on each side which was made difficult by the fact that I did not have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Barnsley’s starting XI for example.  That said, my predictions weren’t that bad with 10 teams finishing within 3 places of where predicted and only three being horribly wrong; Leeds finished 10 places below my predicted 4^th place finish whilst Watford didn’t finish 23^rd but in fact, 12 places higher.  My classic was predicting Nottingham Forest to come second and they managed 19^th.  The Premier League is much easier to predict and we’re in that this season, so here goes… I will say though that it’s a snapshot at this particular moment in time – the transfer window hasn’t shut yet and whilst this has been in the making, a certain Dutchman left Arsenal to throw things up in the air a bit.  So, as I said earlier, here goes….

ARSENAL  (3^rd)

I would have put them in 2^nd to be honest, but for the Van Persie issue which as I write, has been resolved with him moving to Man United.   Gooners were no doubt be hoping he moved abroad so as not to strengthen a domestic rival but at least they have no history and any bad blood with United so he can go there with no baggage and everyone will be nice to him when he returns to play at the Emirates.  New signings include Giroud, Podolski and Cazorla who are all good enough to make a difference on what they had last season  Getting Jack Wilshere fit will make a huge difference to the midfield in which the Ox will doubtless feature more this season.  Still a bit wobbly at the back and in goal so won’t win it but even without RvP, I see them doing very well this season... and they won the Liebherr Cup so they won’t have the pressure of all those trophyless seasons any more.

ASTON VILLA (14^th)

Two years ago they had Martin O’Neill as manager and a superb team that challenged the top 6 and now they have no one really except Darren Bent.  What they do have is a new manager in Paul Lambert and some decent young players who will have benefitted from last years successful flirt with relegation.  Won’t pull up any trees but shouldn’t be relegation candidates either.  It must be a bit worrying for their fans that they appear to be skint though and I expect some Norwich fans will be smiling if they do struggle a bit.

CHELSEA (4^th)

After last years incredible (spawny) win of the Champions League and the FA Cup, Roman Abramovich did what he probably didn’t want to do and gave Roberto di Matteo the job full time.  The first player movement saw their best player in Didier Drogba, leave to go and play in China.  Their season will depend a lot on Fernando Torres who will be expected to score 20+ goals in the league, a total which he hasn’t looked remotely capable of for the past two seasons.  The midfield will still be strong with Mata, Ramires, Meireles, Essien, Mikel and Lampard being joined by the Brazilian Oscar.  Cech and the creaking Terry are still there and if the latter can stay on the pitch and not find some way to mess things up for himself and the team, they should have a good season.  The most irritating ‘fan’ I know is a Chelsea fan though so I want them to do really, really badly.

EVERTON (6^th)

David Moyes, the best pound for pound manager in the Premier League, is still in the hotseat despite media created interest from Spurs in the summer.  Big surprise that he prefers to wait for Sir Alex to pack it in which will be the time he leaves Everton who will do what they do every year and have a few ups and downs before finishing high up.  If they start well I could even see them doing better than I’ve predicted here if a couple of the big boys ‘do a Liverpool’ and have poor seasons.  Changes are afoot though as EFC stalwarts Joseph Yobo and Tim Cahill have been moved on.  Always had trouble scoring goals but that was pre-Jelavic who at the end of l;ast season, looked the dogs bollocks and as long as he fires again, they’ll do well.

FULHAM (13^th)

They are dull.  No, they really are and they’ll finish in a dull, mid-table, nothing to see here position.  Martin Jol is the manager and he’s decent but dull, their players are kind of dull and their kit is white and black with no bright colours in it.  Clint Dempsey has been linked with Liverpool and he occasionally has non-dull moments when he pulls his best “I’ve been shot” face whenever there’s any contact with an opposition player.

LIVERPOOL (8^th)

Not sure about Brendan Rodgers – he was the next big thing when at Watford and then he went to Reading and died on his arse horribly and found himself on the scrapheap before getting Swansea promoted and having a good first season in the Prem.  That’s it as far as top flight experience goes though and so for him to get the Liverpool job on the back of that is a bit surprising... mind you, Liverpool signed Andy Carroll and Jordan Henderson for £55 million on the back of half a decent season each in the Premier League.  What a job it is at Anfield with a large collection of very average players at his disposal in addition to Suarez and Gerrard.  He has made a couple of eyebrow-raising signings already which are eyebrow-raising but not necessarily for the right reasons.  Rodgers has brought in young Italian striker Borini and Swansea midfielder Joe Allen who was last seen constantly giving the ball away for Team GB in the Olympic football exit against South Korea.  Why is that since the new Yanks took over they seem to pay over the odds for everyone?

MANCHESTER CITY (1^st CHAMPIONS)

Fell over the finishing line in the end last year but having done that, I see them winning it by a street this year.  They have the best squad anyway and the most money to spend on strengthening.  It’s a bit odd as to why they haven’t done so as yet though as I write I see they’ve signed the permanently injured Jack Rodwell from Everton.  Their array of talent is quite bewildering and in Yaya Toure they have in my opinion, the most effective player in the league.  They have that Adam Johnson chap who they really don’t need so if Mr Mancini could see his way clear to keep paying his wages, Nigel Adkins would like to borrow him for a year, with an option to permanently swap him for Jonathan Forte at the end of the year.  They have the best spine in the league with Hart, Kompany, Toure and Aguero and then you add in average makeweights like Silva, Balotelli, Tevez, Richards, de Jong and fucking hell it’s frightening.  Who have we got first match?

MANCHESTER UNITED (2^nd )

Maintained a challenge last year purely on the back of bringing Scholes out of retirement to bolster their amazingly weak midfield.   I say ‘amazingly weak’ and by that, I mean that it’s better than most but it’s the weakest Man United midfield I can remember, it’s hardly Beckham, Keane, Scholes and Giggs in their prime is it?  The signing of Kagawa may solve this problem but it was hard to see them winning it this year without major investment which as I write, they’ve just made by signing van Persie.  Rooney of course scored a hatful last year so with RvP signing, they are taking a bit of pressure off of the man with the squirrel on his head.  Rughead should do well though as he should be refreshed after having the summer off.  Vidic will be fit again but to counteract that, Rio will be another year older and more dopey and neither de Gea or Lindegaard have fully convinced in goal as yet.  Big season for Javier Hernandez who needs to find the form of his first season but the former footballer known as Michael Owen has left and is currently sifting through the multitude of offers he’s been receiving from Premiership clubs, allegedly -  “Oh, this one says they actually want me to play.... not having that, just want to take my money, train a bit and then have lots of time to gamble on the horses”. 

NEWCASTLE (5^th)

Alan Pardew had a season last year where everything he touched turned to gold – the prime example being the signing on Papiss Cisse who rattled in a goal a game for the last 3 months of the season.  As well as Cisse, they have Demba Ba and Hatem Ben Arfa as well as the impressive Cabaye, Coloccini and Krul down the spine of the team.  They won’t have the strength in depth of the really big boys but as long as they don’t get too many injuries then there’s no reason that they can’t repeat the success of last season and maybe more with some more ‘gold’ standard buys from Pardew.  Getting sacked by Saints didn’t do him any harm did it?

NORWICH (19^th – RELEGATED)

Second season syndrome and a new manager in Chris Hughton who certainly has a job on his hands following up last seasons miracle.  I must admit that it pissed me off when Paul Lambert jumped ship to go to Villa.  Two promotions and mid-table finish in the Prem and off he went at the drop of a chequebook whereas he’d have been going ballistic if one of his players had done the same.  The LMA were pretty quiet in exactly the opposite way to how they never are when a manager gets sacked. The bottom line is that Norwich took the momentum from the previous two seasons into last year and over-achieved massively.  That momentum has been killed by the manager leaving and so I think a season of struggle beckons.  Rumours that Delia has created a speciality Paul Lambert Pie for the kiosks are unconfirmed at this juncture. Going down.

QPR (11^th)

Could finish anywhere between 7^th and 20^th to be honest.  They have money at their disposal it would appear and in Mark Hughes they have a solid manager as long as he doesn’t unexpectedly walk out like he’s unexpectedly done a few times in the past.  Seem to have bought well, starting with Ron Green in goal who despite his England disasters, is a decent Premier League keeper.  Lots of other players recuited with Premier League experience should make it a decent season for QPR in their Subbuteo stadium.

READING (12^th)

Irritating in the extreme how they won the Championship last season but fair play to them and their tactics were spot on for that division.  It’s a different ball game in the Prem though and Brian McDermott will have the funds at his disposal to compete as the takeover by a Russian with an unpronounceable name finally happened after months of scrutiny by the authorities over whether it was actually the Russian in questions money or not.  The first singning was Pavel Pogrebnyak who rattled in some goals for Fulham last year.  This raised alarm bells with me with a Russian owner buying a Russian player first up but maybe it was a coincidence and McDermott wanted him all along.  Their defence was uniformly slow last year and contained Ian Harte who is one grade slower again (and who will probably lose his place to the newly re-signed Nicky Shorey) but they got away with soaking up pressure and then hitting them superbly on the break using McAnuff and Kebe to devastating effect on the wings and inspired mid-season signing Jason Roberts to do the business in front of goal.  Can’t see them struggling to be honest.

STOKE (10^th)

Never knowingly signing a player under 6 foot 4 has served Tony Pulis well in his time in the Potteries and Stoke haven survived and prospered under his leadership.  Rumour has it that Youth Team prospects are released if they haven’t reached 6 foot by the age of 11 but it’ll all good at Stoke and another solid season beckons.  Joking aside they have some decent players with Etherington and Pennant consistently standing out, firing the ball into the Giraffe Peter Crouch who has finally found a team that appreciates him and plays to his strengths and that sums Stoke and Pulis up.  They have found a way to play and they are good at it.  They even still find a place for Rory Delap who is a limited footballer but he can throw a ball 3 miles so once again, they play to their strengths.  They’re especially good at winding up Arsene Wenger which should be applauded.

SOUTHAMPTON (15^th)

I think we’ll stay up as long as we play to our strengths and are not intimidated by the opposition.  The strengths of the team all lie in going forward and that’s what we have to do, especially in home games.  Some encouraging signings in the youthful Nathaniel Clyne and Jay Rodriguez with some Premier League experience arriving in the shape of Steven Davis.  I’m sure there will be more to come as well.  I also think the key is not to panic and this applies to everyone from Chairman to supporters.   Have some perspective – we were in League 1 two seasons ago and are welcomed to the Premier League with a nightmare fixture list to start off with which sees trips to Man City and Arsenal and a visit from Man United in the first 4 games.  I expect us to be bottom of the league after that little lot and supporters around me getting all twitchy.  Players like Sir Rickie, Morgan Schneiderlin and Adam Lallana can easily handle the step up but there are questions defensively and we are really paper thin in the centre back positions should there be an injury or suspension for either Fonte or Hooiveld.

SUNDERLAND (9^th)

Now in the second of Martin O’Neill’s three years in charge before he disappears for no readily apparent reason and I reckon they’ll do well as long as they can find a regular goalscorer.  Steven Fletcher may be that man if they can get him but the mercurial-in-his-own-mind Bendtner has gone elsewhere.  O’Neill is one of those managers who proves that the manager is the most important person at the club as he always takes sets of underperforming players and makes them better.  Should emerge as one of the best of the ‘also-rans’ this year.

SWANSEA (17^th)

Appointing Michael Laudrup for his first managerial stint in England is either going to be inspired or foolish and they deserve for it to be the former.  Caught a lot of people by surprise last year though the play of Dyer and Sinclair on the wings and Allen, Sigurdsson and Brittan in midfield.  Two of those players have gone elsewhere and the rest will be known quantities now so I see them having a bit of a struggle.  Laudrup may raise them above that but equally, he may not and as we’re in the prediction game here, I’m hedging that he’ll do ok and they’ll stay up.

TOTTENHAM (7^th)

Not sure about Spurs to be honest.  Injury faking diver Gareth Bale has signed a new deal but Modric will be off and of course they have a new manager in the shape of Andre Villas-Boas who I think it’s fair to say, didn’t shine either as a tactician or as a personality when manager of Chelsea.  To me he seemed out of his depth and a tad unprepared for not being a success as prior to Chelsea, his short career in Portugal had been exclusively successful.  The departed ‘Arry Redknapp has left them with a triffic set of players who should do really well but I can’t see them repeating last year’s 4^th place finish especially as they don’t seem to have any strikers apart from Defoe at present.  The only new signings are Sigurdsson (to replace Modric) and Vertonghen (to replace the retired Ledley King apparently).

WEST BROM (18^th RELEGATED)

They have to hope that the appointment of Professional No2 Steve Clarke is enough to keep them up.  I do wonder where the goals are coming from with the strikers they have but they do get some from midfield usually thorough the excellent Chris Brunt who is a player I really wish Saints had signed when he was in the lower leagues.  Pretty uninspiring looking from here but their fans have been brilliant whenever they’ve come to SMS in the past so I hope they have a decent season but at the moment, I struggle to see that they will.

WEST HAM (16^th)

Fat Sam is my prediction for first Premier League manager to get sacked.  The way it will play out is hoooooooooooooooooof and unlike last year, they will lose more than they win and the fans will not stand for losing without style as sins that can be forgiven in victory will not be permitted in defeat.  The Dildo Brothers will panic and get rid of him, allowing ‘Arry Redknapp to ride back into town and be given enough money to play with to keep them up which will be triffic, f’sure.  As it stands though, Fat Sam is still in place and there are question marks over every area of the team. Aside from the vastly improved Vaz Te) they appear to have a lot of average strikers.  In midfield, I do wonder how effective Kevin Nolan will be now he’s back in the Premier League and as for the defence -  I remember watching them on Match of the Day in their relegation season where ‘highly rated’ James Tomkins was a ‘one man calamity that goal was my fault’ specialist.  Oh yes, Rob Green has gone and been replaced by the vastly experienced Jussi Jaaskelainen as Fat Sam rebuilds his Bolton 2005 team. Rumoured targets are Kevin Davies, Jay-Jay Okocha and Ivan Campo.

WIGAN (20^th RELEGATED)

How many more times can they pull out of it at the last moment.   Roberto Martinez pulled off a miracle at the tail end of last season and the challenge will be how to avoid their usual abysmal start.  For his part, Martinez should have left as his stock is never going to be as high again.  I thought their best two players were Rodallega and Moses, well the former has gone to Fulham and the latter looks like he’s joining Chelsea.  Hopefully they’ll be in disarray and are shite when we play them in our first home game.