Euro 2012 Part 9 - Ronaldo says "I'll go 5th"

Germany: Good Up Front

27th June 2012 – Spain v Portugal (Semi Final)

The temptation was to bull this as Spain versus Ronaldo which is no doubt how Ronaldo would see it.  While of course, it a bit unfair the rest of the Portuguese side to see it this way, I can’t personally see Raul Meireles doing anything brilliant to win the match whereas Spain have so many potential match-winners and Torres if he’s playing, which he isn’t.  As he’s their 6th choice midfielder, Fabregas is left out to accommodate a striker but it’s Negredo and not Torres or Llorente as expected.  Portugal have their normal side.

I will attempt to sum up the entire 90 minutes in one paragraph as it was that dull.  Spain tried to pass it but Portugal were right in their faces and didn’t let them do any damage.  Arbeloa and Iniesta both fired just over from the edge of the box When Portugal got it, Grease was the word and every time Ronaldo got it he was cynically taken out, usually by Sergio Ramos who has made an artform of the cynical foul whilst wearing a cloak of invisibility so the ref doesn’t book him.  From the free kicks they did get when in range, Ronaldo smashed them all over the bar after all that chest out, arms down wanky posturing that he does.  Portugal’s main chance to win it came with a 4 on 2 break but unfortunately the man with the ball was Meireles whose shit pass to Ronaldo took all the impetus out of the attack and the Greaseball smashed it over the bar.  There have been soe strange goings on for Spain in that Xavi and David Silva were both very poor and replaced before the end with wingers Navas and Pedro.

Extra time was all Spain with Portugal seemingly knackered and just hoping to get through to penalties.  The Spanish wingers are causing problems with Pedro looking the more likely.  Navas is a strange player for a member of this Spanish side as he looks to knock it past the defender and go but his crossing is almost Milner-esque in the way it skims along the ground to no one in particular.  Jordi Alba is getting forward well and it occurs to me that if as a full back, you make a forward run, it must be nice to know that 99% of the time,  Iniesta won’t give it away and leave you 50 yards out of position.  There is no way Alba could play like he does if he had Ashley Young in front of him.

There are three decent chances for Spain with Ramos thumping a free kick just over, Iniesta drawing a great save from Patricio after a neat move involving Alba and Pedro and then the keeper again saving well from Navas’ angled blast.  Penalties it is then.  I have a few reasons for wanting Spain to win – is it wrong that one of them is that I want to see Ronaldo cry?  Xabi Alonso is up first – Patricio looks huge and the goal looks small and Spain’s regular penalty taker sees the keeper push away his effort at full stretch.  It’s advantage Portugal for about 30 second until Moutinho’s week effort is easily kept out by Casillas.  We get our first goals of the evening as Iniesta, Pepe and Pique all score and then up comes Portugal’s centre half, big bruiser Bruno Alves who gets to the penalty area before Nani catches up with him and sends him back as they’ve forgotten the order.  Nani scores easily.

Sergio Ramos is up next and the (BBC) commentators didn’t mention the Champions League Semi-Final (which was on ITV) when he took one in the shoot out and sent the ball into orbit.  I bet it was on Ramos’ mind though but cool as fuck he did a Pirlo and dinked it into the net as Patricio dived.  It’s even better than Pirlo’s one to be honest and Bruno Alves is now up and drives his penalty against the underside of the bar and out.  The reality dawns on everyone that the Greaseball is Portugal’s 5th penalty taker but if Fabregas scores this one then he’s not going to take one.  Fabregas pings his spot kick in off the post and Spain go through to the final as the camera pans to our hero who is looking to the heavens as if asking God why he tests his son this way.

The BBC commentary team crack me up – they’re better than ITV because they don’t have Chiles but everyone’s going that they didn’t fancy Alves and acting like big know-it-alls but hang on a minute – an inch lower and his kick goes in off the bar, an inch to the left and Fabregas’ kick stays out.  Small margins and all that.  They all however, agree on one thing which is that you don’t leave your main man until last.  It’s a bit like choosing to kick against the wind in the first half and finding yourself out of the game by the time the 2nd half kicks off.  However, no one points out that it is funny because it’s Ronaldo (see below).

Ronaldo: Captain fantastic as one with his team mates as usual

28th June 2012 – Germany v Italy (Semi Final)

In every tournament that we get, there is a general feeling that ze Germans are for some reason now likeable and not hate figures.  I almost fall into it myself at times but as the tournament goes on and they inevitably stay in it, they begin to rankle more than more.  Now we’re at the semi-finals and I really want them to get beaten.  You’ve got their manager Joachim Loew and his resting of players in the last round and you’ve got interviews with Jurgen Klinsmann to deal with.  He comes across as a really nice guy but there’s a real element of ‘we are ze Germans, we are ze best’ about him.  Of course, following yet another England exit, there are calls for us to go ‘The German Way’ like they’re the best thing since sliced bread.  Since 1996 they’ve won nothing and whilst they’ve been decent in recent years, they’ve developed a knack of messing it up when the going gets tough.

Having said that ze Germans wouldn’t let Pirlo dominate the game like England did, Loew changed his side and left out Thomas Muller for Toni Kroos, I assume to shadow Pirlo.  The game starts off like it’s going to be entertaining and ze Germans nearly take the lead when Buffon spills a low cross onto the shin of Barzagli and is relieved to see it deflect off him for a corner.    Balotelli and Cassano are looking lively up front and Hummels is suddenly not looking like the World class performer that Alan Hansen said he was when over reacting about a previous Germany game.  And so it came to pass that Italian arch thug Chiellini fed a pass into Cassano from the left.  Cassano had his back to goal but this became no problem as Hummels ran past him like a bad Sunday League player and allowed Cassano to simply turn and chip onto the head of Nutbagotelli who simply nodded past the static Neuer.

It got better for me and Italy about ten minutes later as Germany let in a goal which was straight out of the England 2010 manual.  A German attack was broken up in the Italian area and the ball fed to Montolivo on the left.  He paused looked up and sent a long ball over the hopelessly off balance Badstuber to put Balotelli through on goal and he absolutely smashed it in from 25 yards as Neuer just stood and waved it by again.  Oh, that’s funny.  It’s at times like this that you’re grateful for the BBC director who gets some crowd shots of Germans crying.  Brilliant.  It’s at times like this that I partly understand how Scots feel when England have their inevitable penalty defeat.  I know the Germans have done better than us but we’re out now so it’s fine to revel in others misfortune.

Loew has noticed that the only player moving less than Neuer is my mate Mario Gomez who come the big game, has been shit.  His lack of movement means that good defenders find him easy to deal with and he’s gone at half time, as is Podolski, replaced with Reus and Klose.  Ze Germans are going to have to be at their ruthlessly efficient best to get back into it against this superb Italian defence but they’re not as Lahm plays a neat 1-2 with Reus but really has to do better than sidefoot it into the crowd from the edge of the box.  Reus goes close from a free kick but a combination of Buffon and the crossbar keep him out.

I can’t believe I’m seeing this but after 65 minutes, ze Germans have gone.  It’s all Italy as Germany all bomb forward and keep getting caught on the break.  The only saving grace for them is that Italy keep missing.  Marchisio flashes a shot just wide at the end of a glorious sweeping move, di Natale nearly nicks the ball off of Neuer who is pissing about in the penalty area, Diamanti falls over when he’s facing the last defender and finally Balzaretti gets the ball in the net but he’s narrowly offside (“oh for fucks sake” says the pub I’m in).

92 minutes are gone when ze Germans are awarded a soft penalty for a handball against Balzaretti and even though Ozil scores, there is no time for them to attempt to snatch a totally undeserved draw and so the Italians win and go through to face Spain in the final.

So the German way, the way we should adopt is to have a great midfield but to piss about with it in a massive game and totally unbalance the team.  They have a dodgy defence and the attack is questionable.  They are undeniably better than us of course but they’re not the finished article as yet.  As for the Italians, well Pirlo ran the game again with a performance that was as good, if not better than the one he put in against England.  He got man of the match but how can you look past Balotelli who was superb and deservedly got the two goals.   He’s still a nutjob though – see his booking for taking his shirt off after scoring which must have meant Prandelli was delighted he got to 60 minutes without getting himself sent off.

Italy versus Spain in the group was the best game I’ve seen so far so I’m happy that it’s the final.  I predict the Spanish will play without a striker so Torres will start.  I hope the Italians play with Balotelli and Cassano up front which will at least stop it being a midfield bore.  If Pirlo can be influential with all the Spanish midfielders around him then Italy have a shout but if I had to predict a winner, I’d go with 1-0 to Spain.

Euro 2012 Part 8 - Shocks and Surprises My Arse

Rooney's lack of energy explained

21st June – Portugal v Czech Republic (Quarter Final)

Quarter final time and after a day off, It’s Portugal against the Czech Republic which is a game that’s really hard to get excited about unless you are Portuguese or Czech or unless you love Ronaldo, which is something that Ronaldo himself, definitely does.  It quickly becomes apparent that this is going to be a total bore as the Czech’s have no ambition at all and are playing for penalties from the first minute.  The first incident of note is some quality foot stamping petulance from the messiah himself when a pass fails to reach him.

When he calms down he gets on the end of a cross and tries a ridiculous overhead kick which goes wide but it leaves you in no doubt that he fancies it today.  A marvellous piece of skill sees him take down a long ball and spin his marker before shooting past Cech and onto the base of the post.  As we go into the second half, Portugal and in particular our greasy hero are getting mildly irked at the chances going begging as Almeida heads over a meat and drink chance and then Ronaldo clips in a superb free kick from miles out which again hits the post with Cech beaten.  Nani and Moutinho had long range efforts that Cech tipped over before Moutinho stood up a superb cross for Ronaldo to come in off the left wing and thump a header down and past Cech to give Portugal a totally deserved lead which they never looked like surrendering.

The Czech Republic performance was summed up in the 93rd minute when they won a corner.  With Cech up from in goal, the corner was hit over everyone and off for a throw in on the other side.  Yes, the Czech Republic were shite and they won Group A.  Aside from Moutinho, Portugal’s midfield is ropey as you like and if the main man doesn’t score, you do wonder who is going to.  I reckon they’d beat France but can’t se them doing the Spanish, no matter how well Ronaldo plays.  He’s horrible but he is some player.  Czech’s deserve to go out and all they achieved was proving how poor Group A was.

22nd June - Germany v Greece (Quarter Final)

The second quarter sees Germany play Greece and if ever there was a banker in football, this is it.  Germany will attack and Greece will defend, there will be lots of bail-out jokes on TV and in the newspapers and Germany will get what they want.  Oh yes… and the other predictable thing is that Germany will be arrogant and they do this by leaving out their three first choice strikers with Gomez, Muller and Podolski being replaced with Schurrle, Reus and Klose.  For this reason alone it would be nice if they get stuffed but I bet they won’t.

It was even more predictable than I thought because Greece were complete crap, relying on Germany missing chances which they duly did until Lahm cut on from the left and bent a shot into the far corner with the aid of a slight deflection.  1-0 at half time and all Germany with Greece having made Manuel Neuer appear on the TV screen just once with a scuffed shot that was blocked before it reached him.  What the Greeks do have is the ability to somehow score a goal and they manage it with just two players as Salpingidis breaks down the right and all of the rest of the team are back defending aside from Samaras who belied his ‘useless donkey’ reputation by neatly pulling away from Boateng to meet the cross and bundle it under Neuer for 1-1.  It’s completely ridiculous to be honest as the Greeks in the crowd go mental and smash imaginary plates whilst the suave and dapper Joachim Loew’s smacked arse face is only matched by Angela Merkel who doesn’t have the best of faces to start with.

The bastards only gave us about 5 minutes of thinking that Greece might somehow nick it before Reus’ cross was spectacularly volleyed in by Khedira from the edge of the box who has a very powerful shot off of his shinpad.  Within quarter of an hour it’s 4-1 as Klose rises unchallenged  (aside from some shit Superman effort by the Greek keeper) from 6 yards to head in a corner to notch the first goal by a Pole in Poland since Podolski scored in the last match for Germany.  Next up it’s Ozil running through and is well thwarted by the keeper but he rebound falls to Reus who smashed a volley in off the bar which was really unnecessary considering the keeper was lying on the ground.  Great finish though.  The Greeks have the last word though as Boateng handles a cross (sort of) and they get given a softish penalty which Salpingidis tucks away to make the final score 4-2 so now we know that if England manage to negotiate their way past Italy, we’ll be playing Ze Germans in ze zemi-finals, again.  They look good it has to be said…

23rd June – Spain v France (Quarter Final)

It’s Spain against France and Spain are wrestling with the one striker or no striker debate whilst France have lost their first match in 15 or so (v Sweden) so of course it’s time for civil war. They really are a bunch of egotistical twats aren’t they. Manager Laurent Blanc who somehow has a good reputation, picks two right backs to combat a perceived Spanish strength down the left hand side with Jordi Alba and Iniesta.  He’s right in that they are strong but the problem is that they are so strong they will probably rip you apart anyway and there are 8 other strong players on their team or 7 if Torres is playing, which he’s not.  The funny thing is that France have sacrificed Nasri in order to do this and I expect he took that well, team player that he is.

Fake centre forward Fabregas is the first to show and he should have had a penalty as he chased a through ball and was wrestled to the ground by Clichy but somehow, none of the referee, linesman or goal-line assistant managed to see it.  Not to worry though as Spain soon went in front when, you guessed it, Alba and Iniesta combined with Alba skinning right back number 1 (Debuchy) who fell on his face allowing Alba to skip round him and beautifully pick out Xabi Alonso who headed past Lloris back the way it had come and into the corner of the net.  Lovely goal and 1-0 and probably game over with 20 minutes gone.  All Spain would have to do is defy the famous French fighting spirit.  Luckily for Spain this only really occurs when fighting amongst themselves and so the Spanish kept the ball pretty much for the rest of the first half and went in 1-0 to the good.

The second half is dull if you want to see loads of chances and shots on goal but it was decent if you wanted to watch Spain pas it around and make the French look like 2nd rate twats so it worked for me.  France had a couple of efforts but didn’t get anything decent on target but it took until the last few minutes for Spain to seal it as Pedro Rodriguez burst into the box, dropped a shoulder to go past right back number 2 (Revelliere) who clumsily brought him down.  Xabi Alonso fought his natural instinct to pass the ball and smashed the penalty into the corner sending Lloris the wrong way and so it was done and the French could go home but not before Nasri had a fight with a journalist or two.  They will not be missed I suspect.

Spain go through to play Portugal so expect Ronaldo to get incredibly frustrated while 6 Spanish midfielders pass the ball round him.

So, three of the four quarter finals have been mismatches where the expected team has dominated and the underdog has been complete shite and not put up any kind of performance.  Knockout ties usually remove the fear but one team in all of these matches was shit scared of trying anything and they all deservedly lost.  England and Italy could easily see both teams concentrating on not losing the game and I’m sure that if it wasn’t for the tension, this game would be rubbish.  We’ll see….

24th June – England v Italy (Quarter Final)

So it came to pass that England played Italy and Hodgson picked the same team that beat Ukraine with Rooney and Welbeck up front with Young and Milner on the wings.  It’s nearly a disaster within five minutes as de Rossi attempts a ridiculous volley from 25 yards which swerves away from Hart and hits the inside of the post.  Remarkably and surprisingly, England then start to play with some lovely football breaking out down the right which ends with Johnson cutting in, getting the ball back from Milner via a bit of a lucky deflection and then scooping a shot goalbound which Buffon manages to claw away.  At the other end, our favourite nutbag is keeping the England defence busy as they’ve obviously targeted the space behind John Terry which is usually the flat of whoever’s wife he’s shagging.  Whatever you or I say about Terry’s personality, he’s having a superb game here.  No one’s talking about Rio now.

Welbeck worked a decent chance by playing a 1-2 with Rooney and fired over which must have been because of his surprise at getting a decent return pass from his strike partner but back came Italy with another block from Terry and Nugbagotelli getting annoyed with himself and kicking hell out of the post.  Just after the half hour, Italy begin to take over and it coincides with Rooney getting tired and not putting Pirlo under any pressure which was clearly part of his job.  When Pirlo plays then Italy play and he just pops passes about, short and long and England are pleased to get to half time having chased shadows for the last 10 minutes.

Roy’s half time team talk either wasn’t listened to or he said “let them have it, let Pirlo run the game and if we get it, give it back to them straight away”.   Rooney, Young and Milner in particular were listening to the last bit and It’s carnage but somehow we survive as Hart flaps out a de Rossi shot and then saves the next effort from Balotelli before looking on in relieved fashion as Montolivo manages to slam it over from about 6 yards.  A spot of penalty area pinball finds de Rossi all on his own a few yards out and thankfully he panics and slams it wide as well.

We create a half chance which Young puts wide with a shot of no conviction and Hodgson has realised that we need something different to get back into it and Walcott and Carroll are coming on.  Comfortably England’s two worse performers have been Rooney and Young so maybe Milner to the left and Walcott on the right but annoyingly, Milner (who has had his best game in this tournament – not saying much admittedly) is hooked, as is Welbeck.  Why not Rooney? – he’s stunk the place out for two matches and is completely unfit.  Leaving Young and Rooney on has basically left us playing with 9.

The last 20 minutes are painful as we bomb it forward to Carroll and then Italy pick it up and try and pick a way though us.  Time and again our defenders are getting the vital block in with Glenn Johnson pulling out the best effort to deny Nocerino when it seemed a goal was certain.  Somehow we got to the end.

Extra time starts and we’re immediately in more trouble as Jordan Henderson is warming up and coming on for Parker who has the demeanour of a soldier staggering across a battlefield with bullet holes all over him.  So now we’re playing with 8.  The rest of extra time is painful with Italy and particularly Pirlo just strolling about and us relying solely in Hart wellying it up to Carroll and hoping for the best.  To be fair, Carroll is doing ok bringing the ball down but he flicks on lots towards where Rooney should be but the fat knackered one doesn’t read any of them.  Diamanti hit the post with an attempted cross and it looked like we were put out of our misery with 10 minutes to go as Nocerino stole in to head home a cross from Diamanti on the right but the flag was correctly raised meaning Terry, Lescott, Cole, Johnson and Hart had a further 10 minutes to hold out.... and somehow we did.

Full time and penalties to come.  I can hear my daughters (aged 13 and 11) still wandering about upstairs so call them down to watch the penalties.  They’ll enjoy this wonderful sporting theatre whilst their Dad spits, shouts and swears at the TV.

It all starts relatively well with Balotelli beating Hart with ease and Gerrard thumping one in before Montolivo scuffs one wide and Rooney manages to kick the ball in the right direction and score.  Pirlo then proved that he has the biggest balls on the planet by dinking his pen into the middle of the goal before Ashley Young stepped up.  I can tell who is likely to miss these days (I picked out Montolivo who looked nervous) and if I could have been quick enough, I’d have phoned Ray Winstone and his ‘all about the in-play’ and bet on Young missing – he looks fucking terrified and like he’d rather be anywhere else.  Bang, crossbar.  “WANKER”, I said in very loud shouty fashion, thus bringing a new word into my kids vocabulary.
Nocerino scores and Ashley Cole steps up and goes for the same corner as he did in the Champions League shootout a couple of weeks back.  Obviously Buffon was watching and saved easily.  Up steps Diamanti to win it and comfortably beats Hart and so we’re out again, on penalties, again...1990, 1996, 1998, 2004, 2006 and 2012 are the penalty exits I’ve sat through.

Unlike the World Cup in 2010 – I wasn’t too upset by the manner of our exit.  Like 2010 against Germany, we totally deserved to lose but at least this time we died trying.  Hodgson did well given the limited time that he had with the squad thought his tactical rigidity is something that worries me slightly going forward.  For example, why not swap Rooney and Walcott for the extra time period, see if the Italians fancy Walcott’s pace in behind them and you never know, he may actually read one of Carroll’s flick-ons which Rooney just didn’t.... why not bring on someone like Phil Jones for a striker and tell him to man-to-man Pirlo and not let him move.  We stuck to 4-4-2 with like for like swaps.  I can’t moan too much about Roy because he had little time to prepare but the honeymoon period will soon be over if we continue to play in this rigid manner.

As for the players, some came out with reputations enhanced like Gerrard, Hart, Johnson, Cole, Lescott, Terry and Parker and some like Welbeck, Carroll, Walcott and Chamberlain showed a bit of promise for the future.  The biggest but most unsurprising let down was Rooney who whilst he wasn’t quite at his “can’t control the ball” form from 2010, was so poor as to actually detract from the team.  So many allowances are made for him and he just never justifies it.   He gets called ‘World Class’ over here which is a joke – there must be 50 players better than him in this tournament alone.  We played better without him and the bottom line is that his lack of fitness was totally unprofessional.  Was the team base near a red light district in Krakow?  If so, this would at least explain his lack of energy.  He’s missed two games but played like he was feeling his way back in from a year out injured.  I doubt it would have made any difference but today he should have been substituted instead of Welbeck.  When are we going to judge him on what he actually does in a given match rather than what he has done in the past for Man United?  Nice squirrel though.

On that subject (not rodents), we also have to get away from picking solely from the biggest clubs.  Milner for example, hardly plays for Man City so is he more prepared for a tournament than someone who plays every week for Swansea for example.  Anyway, moan, moan, moan.  Team spirit was good and most of the players in the main showed some pride about playing for the Three Lions.  Overall, I think we did pretty well in this tournament.  We have a decent defence and keeper which is the basis for a good side but the rest needs work and I'm sure Roy Hodgson, Ray Lewington and Gary Neville will know this.

Fair play to Italy who deserved to win and I hope they dick the Germans but I can’t see it.  The Germans have had two days extra rest, didn’t go to extra time, had easier quarter final opponents and rested players for that game as well.  Germany will win but Italy will make it tough for them.  Before that though we have Spain and Portugal which is a game Portugal can win if they play without fear... which they won’t so I predict 1-0 to Spain.

World Cup 2014 – 48 Years of hurt, fuck off Frank Skinner.

Euro 2012 Part 7 - Blatter's Head on a Platter

Same picture as 2 years ago Sepp.... it was further over the line than this.

18^th June 2012 – Group C

A tale of three of the best teams in the tournament and Ireland.  Italy play the Irish today and Spain face Croatia and all outcomes are possible aside from Ireland finishing anywhere other than 4^th.  The aforementioned head-to-head before goal difference method of working out placings in the group had a potential further complication today in that we could end up with three teams with 5 points.  In that scenario, results against Ireland would be discounted and a mini-league of results between the three teams would be used to determine places… and this mini league would be decided on goal difference and goals scored.  Maybe this is a bit complicated after all.

No such worries for Ireland and their manager Giovanni Trapattoni who was facing his homeland and the worry that he would play a weakened side to help out his homeland was confirmed when he named his usual side.  Fair play to Damien Duff though who reached 100 caps.

Ireland managed to get into this game without implementing ‘Operation Feck It’ in the first few minutes though throughout they did live dangerously with di Natale seeing an effort blocked by St.Ledger’s shoulder and the same player skipping round Given and his zimmer frame on the right edge of the penalty area and it must have been annoying for him to get a shot on target from a ridiculous angle and see a defender back on the line to clear it.  Given then got very lucky with a long range blast from Marchisio which was straight at him but he made a bollocks of it and it bounced off his zimmer frame for a corner.  The goal was coming for Italy and duly arrived when Pirlo’s corner was met by Cassano whose superb flick header hit Given and the underside of the bar and bounced behind the line before Duff hacked it clear.  Rumour has it that this is the first time that the officials behind the goal had actually done anything but fair play to them for getting it right.

Meanwhile in the other game…..nothing much happening aside from a Torres blast at near post from narrow angle and Mandzukic being cleaned out in time honoured Sergio Ramos style.  He fucks up then tries to make up for it by trashing into whoever he’s lost the ball to and though he did get a bit of the ball, he was lucky to get away with it.

Half time arrived with Italy winning 1-0 and the quite frankly, boring game between Croatia and Spain being goalless.  As it stands, Italy would win the group with Spain coming second.  However you worked it out, Ireland were still last.

The Italy and Ireland game was by far the more interesting of the two with Cassano missing a sitter when he tried to pass ball past 3 defenders instead of just lashing the shite out of it.  Fair play to Ireland and they had a go but following a decent move from the back, Andrews decided to shoot from 35 yards instead of passing it and Buffon comfortably saved.  The same player stepped up when Ireland won a free kick 25 yards out and this time he really caught it, bringing a decent save from the World’s most expensive goalkeeper.

Italy’s lead meant that Croatia were now third ‘as it stands’ and heading home so they decided to attack which increased the likelihood of a goal at both ends.  A goal for Croatia at this point would put Spain out and they were giving it a right go.  A break down the right by Modric ended with him putting in a ridiculous cross with the outside of his right foot right onto the head to Rakitic who headed it in just about the only place where he couldn’t score which was straight at Casillas.  I’ve always thought that Spain’s defenders weren’t particularly great of you can get at them, which usually of course, you can’t because you need the ball to do that.

Croatia brought on a couple of strikers including Jelavic but even though Spain withdrew Torres and Silva and went for the ‘on strikers’ formation, they introduced arguably a bigger threat in Fabregas and that skinny little winger Navas who looks about 11.  Fabregas and Perisic tested the keepers at each end but still the stalemate continued with Bilic getting progressively more psycho on the line.  The Marquis of del Bosque does not favour such animated antics, favouring instead to just sit there and play with his moustache.

Ireland’s chances of getting a morale lifting point (and sending the Italians home) went down the shitter when Andrews, their only player whose had a shot in the tournament, managed to pick a second yellow for not very much and was sent off.  As if the tournament hasn’t been poor enough for the Irish, he then embarrasses himself by acting like a knob before eventually going and wellying a stray football into the crowd.  His defence will be that he wasn’t wellying it but demonstrating his first touch but I would think he’ll get an additional ban.

There were five minutes to go when it all changed as Fabregas lifted a ball over the defence to the clearly onside Iniesta who laid it square past Pleitikosa, straight into the path of Navas who dribbled upto the goal line before smashing it into the net.  I admit that I don’t know what the rules are now but I thought Navas must be offside as Iniesta had passed it forwards and there were not two defenders between Navas and the goal, just the keeper.  Is there some strange part of the offside rule that says something like ‘if the passing only has one opposition player in front of him then the receiving player cannot be offside’ or alternatively ‘if it’s Spain then it’s not offside as them going out would be bad for the tournament’.  Still it made for some entertaining shots of Slaven Bilic as he waved his arms about and went a kind of purple colour.

As the game restarted, Ireland managed to let in another goal from a corner as Mario Nutbagotelli pulled out an overhead kick and smashed it into the net.  It’s a brilliant goal but in true Balotelli style, he’s less concerned with that and more worried about having a pop at someone over something.  Bonucci, the Italian defender does well to pull him away and even covered his mouth so no lip readers could see him mouthing ‘I am a complete fucking idiot with a bag full of chips on each shoulder’.

Games over and Spain win the group, with Italy second and a somewhat unfortunate Croatia going home.  Amazingly, after all the final day to-ing and fro-ing, Ireland finished 4^th and will reflect on a tournament where they have been completely outclassed.  They haven’t helped themselves though by conceding numerous poor goals from set pieces and often from just plain bad marking.  Most of the Ireland stories in the papers have been concerned with Roy Keane who in my opinion, didn’t say anything bad.  It’s been twisted of course to make it look like he slagged off the fans which he didn’t.  He slagged the players for praising the fans as a method of deflecting attention away from the fact that they were shite.

19^th June 2012 – Group D

So it was time for France v Sweden and Ukraine v England.  Which one to watch….?  Roy brought back Rooney for Carroll and the rest of the side was unchanged despite Walcott being fit and the buzz being that he would get the nod ahead of Milner.  Sadly the buzz was incorrect.  Shevchenko wasn’t fit for Ukraine but still they started the better of the two sides with England struggling to get hold of the ball and when they did, either went for giving it away or sending it forward long to Carroll who… oh yeah, we dropped him.

Question of the day is....  why do the Ukraine players spell their names with an ‘I’ on their shirts but it’s a ‘Y’ when it’s in the written media?  Anyhow...the Ukrainians serve notice of their intent to lash in as many long range shots as possible when Young misjudges the bounce of the ball like a 10 year old which allows Gusiev to cut in and fire over the bar.  Two more Ukraine efforts fly into the stand behind Hart’s goal and to be honest, they can keep doing that all night.  The stats come up after 25 minutes and England have had no shots at all but then we make the best chance of the night as Gerrard picks out Young with a raking pass and Young’s cross is straight onto the head of Rooney who doesn’t get off the ground and the ball slides off the squirrel on his head and out for a goal kick. It’s such a poor effort from the squirrel.

The France and Sweden game has been pretty dull but the Swedes have had the best chance with Toivanen first outmuscling the painfully bad and overrated Mexes before skipping past Lloris before rolling his shot onto the outside of the post instead of into the big white thing with a net on it.  Half time and double 0-0 which means as it stands, England are going through to play Spain.  Help.

Under Roy Hodgson England seem to have a happy knack of getting something when they most need to and it happens again straight after half time as Gerrard’s initial free kick is cleared back to him and he takes on Iarmolenko and gets a yard of space to whip in a cross which takes a couple of nicks off of Ukraine players which totally deceives Piatov in goal who makes a total bollocks of it and the ball pops onto the head of Wayne Rooney lurking at the back post and the squirrel manages to head it into the empty net.   England are 1-0 up and top of the group which is a position which gets even stronger a few minutes later as a cross from Wilhelmsson drops to Ibrahimovic who fires it past Lloris with a spectacular scissor-volley.

Ukraine have a renewed sense of urgency as they have to win this game and they have a great chance as England doze off.  We’ve heard all the talk about two banks of four and zonal defending and all that which is all well and good but if one of your eight defenders doesn’t attack the ball then you get situations like this one where Milevskiy heads an absolute sitter over the bar from 6 yards as 8 England players looked on from close proximity.

We get even luckier a few minutes later as Terry has a mare and gets horribly under a long ball which Milevskiy (who is clearly offside) slips through to Devic who is in on Hart.  Hart half blocks the effort but it’s still going in and fair play to Shagger, he gets back and hooks it away from a place somewhere in the proximity of the goal line.  At first viewing it looks like it’s in and subsequent replays prove that it’s in but the assistant extra ref is five yards away and looking along the line and he hasn’t given it.  Isn’t it great to be on the right side of one of these?  Devic is standing there with joy followed by disbelief on his face and Ukraine manager Oleg Blokhin is rampaging around the technical area trying to find an official with a UEFA jacket on so he can kill someone.  In this case, two wrongs have made a right as it should have been a free kick to England on the half way line.... I bet it won’t be seen like that.

England test out flapper in the Ukraine goal when Milner takes time out from giving the ball away to send over a cross which Piatov flaps to Ashley Cole who gets in a decent goalbound effort which to be fair to Piatov, he does well to keep out.  Back come Ukraine and it’s back to the long range pot shots but this one is different as it’s on target.  Konoplianka’s effort looks like it’s straight down Hart’s throat but it swerves in the air as it gets close and Hart has to pull out an excellent one handed stop and it grateful to the alert Lescott to smash the rebound out of harm’s way.

You get a feeling sometimes that the opposition aren’t going to score and you can relax a bit.  That time is now and England begin to play better on the break with both Parker and Rooney breaking through at separate times with Parker being thumped to the ground by Timoschuk and Rooney taking too long and being crowded out.  Shevchenko is on for Ukraine but all he can manage is a crude foul on Young and England’s subs have a chance to create a ‘Made in Southampton’ goal but Chambo butchers the pass to Theo who would have been clean through.  Must be the Arsenal influence.

It’s still 1-0 to Sweden and they are looking the more likely to score in their game against France with Lloris being by far the busier keeper, saving a close range blast from Wilhelmsson and a Mellberg header.  France have a great chance to equalize as Arsenal-bound Giroud heads a simple chance over the bar from 8 yards.

As the England game finishes, word comes through that Sweden have scored again as the ball comes back off the bar and falls to Seb Larsson who smashes it into the roof of the net.  France still manage to scrape through in second place but England have won the group and will now play Italy.  Following that is a potential semi-final against ze Germans and the tournament just got interesting.  The only bad news from today was that Gerrard and Carroll got booked and all cards don’t get wiped until after the quarter finals.  Another booking for the skipper would be somewhat catastrophic as he’s been our best player by a mile but that’s a worry for another day.  We didn’t play great again but we’re through as group winners and it couldn’t be better really.

Our defence is settled and has looked solid enough for me and our central midfield has been immense with Gerrard and Parker really putting shifts in, in each game.  Gerrard has also provided quality going forward and has set up a goal in every game so far.  An injury or suspension in there would really put a hole in our prospects as we have a choice of Milner, Henderson or Jones to fill in which is just nasty.  Aside from Walcott in the Sweden game, no one has really shone in the wide areas but I really think we need one of Walcott or Chamberlain playing against Italy.  This is my coded way of saying that Milner does my head in.  He can’t beat a man either by pace or skill as he has neither and more often than not, will just pass it to the nearest opposition player.  Up front we will persevere with Rooney even though he was abysmal today in truth and we have to find the best partner for him.  Welbeck has the club familiarity going for him, Carroll is more suited to playing up on his own which inevitably happens when Rooney drops deep and Defoe has more intelligence about his movement.  If it was down to me, I’d go for Carroll against Italy, simply because the Italians are hard as nails at the back and against better sides, England will tend to hit the front man for farther away.  By that, I mean that we’ll hoof it like usual but at least we’ll have someone to aim at.

All the talk after the game has of course been about the goal line technology debate.  It’s hard not to feel that everyone is against England when it comes to people like Platini and Blatter.  Blatter has just repeated what he said 2 years ago after the Lampard v Germany incident and it’s just made him look even more like a pillock as nothing much has happened in the meantime aside from him categorically proving that FIFA isn't corrupt and the vote to award to World Cup to Qatar wasn't rigged.  Predictably, no one is interested in the fact that there was a clear offside in the Ukraine v England incident which is the part that makes the debate really interesting.  We might one day be able to rewind a few seconds to prove a ball crossed the line but can we rewind 30 seconds to prove a player was offside or not?  We already have the technology to prove that we have complete twats at the head of FIFA and UEFA in Blatter and Michel '24 Teams' Platini.

The Quarter Final line up meanwhile, is now complete with Portugal v Czech Republic, Spain v France,  Germany v Greece, and of course, England v Italy.  My predictions for the semi finals are Portugal v Spain and Germany v the winners of the other game.   Low expectations has served us well so far so I see no reason to predicts an England win now.

Merde! bâtards anglais

Euro 2012 Part 6 - Group B Teams make Semi-Finals

No Caption Necessary

16^th June 2012 – Group A

So now we reach the point in the tournament where teams start going home unless they’ve done an Ireland or Sweden and managed to get homeward bound a game early.  Today we have the conclusion of Group B with Greece playing Russia and the Czech Republic playing Poland.  Of course, both games kick off at the same time.

Greece have given themselves a chance by dropping Mr Bean and picking a goalkeeper.  Russia have the better of the first half with Kerzhakov firing wide by 6 inches as opposed to his usual 6 miles.  Other Russian chances come and go, mainly through Zhirkov who is playing so far forward that ‘left back’ seems a bit of a misnomer.  They still hadn’t worked Mr Bean’s replacement though and then, out of nowhere, Greece score as a throw down the line is obligingly headed to Karagounis by a Russian centre back.  As Karagounis advances, no one closes him down and he gets into the box before firing straight through Malafeev to put the Greeks 1-0 up.  The TV flashes up a ‘as it stands’ table and Greece are now top, above Russia with the Czechs in third – all with 4 points.  I can’t get my head around that at all for now as surely the Russians are above both as they won that game 4-1.  Half time.

In the Czech Republic v Poland game, Poland have to win to go through, otherwise their only victory will have been on the streets of Warsaw, giving some Russian fans a good kicking.  The first half is all Poland but nothing is on target with both Boenisch and Obraniak hitting the side netting and Lewandowski firing wide when he really should have scored.  Boenisch at least forced a save from Cech when he had a shot from about 40 yards which dipped in front of the keeper who actually remembered that he is supposed to be one of the worlds’ best and palmed it wide.

The second half saw the Czechs coming more into it as they knew that they had to score.  Poland appeared to have shot their bolt in the first half and were producing nothing and were grateful to Baros butchering a 3 on 2 break by shooting from miles out when both Jiracek and Gabre Selassie were available.  He didn’t make the same mistake a second time though when following Poland giving the ball away yet again, he advanced and fed Jiracek who skipped inside a desperate defender and rolled it past Tyton to take the Czech’s from third to top of the group as it stands with just 15 minutes left.

The second half of Greece against Russia is more even as Russia are going for it and leaving spaces at the back.  Karagounis dances through one of these and into the box and it hacked over.  Surely it’s a penalty, no it’s a booking for diving and if the Greeks go through, he misses the next match which is bollocks.  Greece hit the post from a free kick whilst the Russians huff and puff and do sod all really.  News of the Czech goal filters though and so the Russians now know they are 15 minutes from going out and still they produce fuck all.  One of the commentators (Andy Townsend I think) pondered after the first game if Russia had the mental toughness to win the tournament and today we say that Townsend was right and that they have no mental toughness at all.  When they needed it, the managed zero shots on target.  Last minute…

Poland were gone now but they could still have a say and Blaszcykowski shot and time stood still.  If it goes in then the Czech’s are out and Russia go through with Greece.  If it doesn’t then the Czech’s win the group and Russia are out.  It’s going in and then Kadlec gets back to head it off the line and I would imagine that the whole of Poland celebrates.

So, the Czech Republic win the group and unbelievably, because of the head-to-head record counting before goal difference, Greece finish 2^nd and Russia go out despite being the only side in the group with any quality – stupid rule isn’t it, or is it…

The reason I initially thought it was a stupid rule to have head-to-head records before goal difference is that I’m a traditionalist.  Since time began it’s been points, then goal difference, then goals scored.  In a group of 4 teams though, maybe it’s a good thing to have it the other way round as it means that there is less likelihood of their being meaningless games at the end of the group.  If the rules had been the traditional way then Greece would have had to have beaten Russia by 3 goals to finish above them which they would never have been able to do.  Poland in all truth should have qualified but making a balls of the first game against Greece was their undoing.  1-0 up and half an hour against 10 men…. You gotta win that.  Still, as they say in Poland… It’s my party and I’ll kick the fuck out of the Russians if I want to.

The end result is though, that two incredibly average teams have progressed from Group A and I would be amazed if it’s not whoever finishes first and second in Group B who makes the semi-finals. 

17^th June 2012 – Group B

The other reason I suddenly like the rules to separate teams on the same points is that it means there’s a chance that Germany could actually go out if they lost to Denmark and Portugal beat the Netherlands.  It was a dream scenario but I couldn’t really see it happening.  The Dutch could only go through if they beat Portugal by 2 goals and ze Germans beat Denmark.  Needing a favour off of ze Germans must stick in the throat of the Dutch as (as one Dutch man put to me) we haven’t trusted the Germans for 70 years.

It all started well for Bert van Marwijk the Dutch boss.  He’d left out the creaking Van Bommel and the ineffective Afellay to accommodate Huntelaar and van der Vaart and the latter put the Dutch ahead after 10 minutes, curling a brilliant left footed effort into the far corner.    It got even better for the men in Orange when word came through that Germany had taken the lead against Denmark when abysmal defending from a throw in allowed Muller (who had earlier missed an absolute sitter, passing to the keeper when he had a free shot from 6 yards) to squirt the ball across to give Podolski a free shot from 6 yards and he showed Muller how to do it on his 100^th appearance for the country he isn’t from.    The Dutch suddenly have a problem though – not only do Denmark equalise as Krohn-Delhi nods in after Bendtner heads a corner back into the mix but Christiano Ronaldo has decided to turn up today.  Firstly he served notice by racing away down the left before cutting in a sliding his shot just wide of the post before he fastened onto a Pereira pass and easily beat Stekelenberg to make it 1-1. 

So, half time and Germany and Portugal are going through, as most people expected.  My dream scenario (which I will now call my Evil Masterplan to ensure the elimination of Germany) is a Portugal goal and a Denmark goal away from coming to fruition.

I’m watching the Portugal v Netherlands match as it’s by far the more interesting of the two and it’s all about Ronaldo.  He’s not a team player at all and it’s all got to be about him but what a player.  A superb touch sees him skin Van der Wiel and set off down the left  He’s got two players screaming for a pass in the middle for a tap in but you can see his brain thinking “if I shoot and score then this will be a great goal” so he takes on Van der Wiel again and then slices it wide.  You can almost understand his thinking though as ten minutes later he’s away again down the left and this time he beautifully picks out Nani at the back post, all of 10 yards out with just the keeper to beat and guess what, he hits the keeper.  Ronaldo is playing to the cameras after Nani’s miss as if to say “you see what I have to work with here”.  He has a point but if I was a team mate, I’d think that I’m lucky to have such a brilliant player in my side but I’d also be thinking that he’s a right cunt.

Ronaldo probably forgave his lesser talented team mate though as following a quick break out of defence, Nani’s ball put Ronaldo in on goal and he easily sold the last defender a dummy before easily beating Stekelenberg to make it 2-1.  Game over for the Dutch but a step closer for the Masterplan.  Two minutes later and that’s all over though as Germany predictably take the lead again with a goal from the amusingly named Bender who has steamed up from right back and latched onto a pass that wasn’t meant for him and put it away easily.  The Danes have had their chances with one shot skimming a post and the ref missing Bendtner having his shirt pulled in the box by Badstuber as he went for a cross but ze Germans prevail yet again.

Meanwhile, van der Vaart crashed a right foot shot off of the post before Ronaldo’s attempt for a hat-trick also comes back off a post.  The games both end 2-1 and so the Germans advance to play Greece (insert your own Eurozone bail-out joke here) and Portugal will play the Czech Republic.  The Group of Death has seen the Germans advance as you would expect and the Dutch remind me of England in the 2010 World Cup as they seemed to be bereft of team spirit and the big players not performing.  Van Persie, Robben and Affelay were disasters and age has caught up with van Bommel who is now so slow that he can’t get close enough to opposition players in order to kick them.  At least he tries though which is more than can be said for some of the others.  Having said that he should start, Huntelaar was complete shit and looked like he was still sulking about being a sub in the first two games.  Only Wesley Sneijder escapes criticism really.

Shame to see the Dutch leaving

Over the next couple of days we find out which two out of Croatia, Italy and Spain will go through and the culmination of England’s group.  We only need a draw but no doubt we will put everyone through the ringer by going a goal down in 5 minutes or something like that.  With Ukraine being the tolerant society that it is, expect scenes like something out of Mississippi Burning if Danny Welbeck scores.  Wayne Rooney has been on interview duty from the England camp and is making all the right noises and he’s had that squirrel on his head trimmed.  What can possibly go wrong?

Euro 2012 Part 5 - England in 'Not Dull' Shocker

This my friends, is a header...

14^th June 2012 – Group C

Croatia and Italy are first up today in what was sure to be a very entertaining game and it didn’t disappoint.  Italy created several chances in the first half hour which Balotelli got on the end of and missed, usually without forcing the keeper to do anything except take a goal kick.  Italy took the lead that their play deserved when the nutbag was fouled out on the left wing.  Andrea Pirlo’s free kick beat the wall and beat Pleitikosa as his near post.  It was still mainly Italy in the ascendancy until the last 15 minutes when they allowed Modric to fire over and then Chiellini missed a straight forward cross into the box allowing Mandzukic to take a touch and crash it into the net via a post.

Panning down the line at anthem time, the camera revealed a few things about the upcoming Spain and Ireland match.  It revealed that Spain had picked a striker this time as Torres was in for Fabregas and it also revealed  Ireland’s planned formation of 11 men standing in a line.  As in their game against Croatia, Ireland set out to be hard to beat and compact and solid and all those words that imply that it’ll be a close game.  4 minutes and 1-0 to Spain as Torres picked up a loose ball in the box, walked round the truly hopeless Ward as if he wasn’t there and smashed a shot straight over Shay Given.  The rest of the first half was played almost exclusively in Ireland’s half and Spain were infuriating in that they hardly tried any shots, always looking for one more pass.  Half time came and went and I guess Ireland still had a chance if they kept it…. Oh dear, 2-0 as following a spot of ping pong in the box, it fell to David Silva to managed to slot it past two defenders and Given who were all in various stages of falling over and pass it into the corner of the net.  Soon enough it was 3-0 as St Ledger fell over the midfield and Silva sent Torres through on goal and despite a stumble, he still managed to fire past Given and into the corner.  Trapattoni sent on James McClean and some bloke called Green who got released by Derby County at the end of last season and has no club. By comparison, The Marquis of Del Bosque (or whatever his full title is) sent on Cesc Fabregas and therein lies the problem.  It was 4-0 with one of the most embarrassing goals I’ve ever seen at a major championship as a short corner was fed into Fabregas who simply turned past Green and lashed a shot in off the far post.

So, Ireland became the first team to be eliminated from the tournament.  It was a very tough group for them to be in but I honestly don’t think Ireland could have beaten any team that has qualified this time.  Keano got a bit animated at the post-mortem and he obviously hates the ‘jolly Ireland turn up and drink a lot’ image and rightly slated the team for being substandard.  In my view, they simply haven’t got the players but they should have done better with what they have.  The full backs and central midfielders are very weak areas and Dunne and Given really looked their age.

Games like this one remind me that Euro 2016 has of course already been ruined by Platini’s decision to have 24 teams in it meaning that a) the group games will be boring as only 8 out of the 24 will get knocked out and b) a load of rubbish will qualify next time.  Eight more qualifiers for this tournament would this year have meant places for such heavyweights as Turkey, Estonia, Bosnia, Montenegro, Hungary, Armenia, Norway and Israel, none of whom (aside from maybe Turkey) would have added anything to the tournament, just clogged up the schedule with crap matches.  Still no Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland though…

There are so many permutations in this group but aside from Ireland being out, the only certainties are that if Italy don’t beat Ireland then they are out.  An Italy win and a draw between Croatia and Spain means three teams tied on 5 points and then it’s all down to head to head records and goal difference and all that.  I’d bet on Spain and Italy winning their final matches and going through.  I’d also bet on the Irish fans drinking lots and having a laugh.

15^th June 2012 – Group D

Time for England again and what will no doubt be the usual borefest against Sweden.  Well, nearly time for that as first we have Ukraine against France.  The first half took the best part of 2 hours to complete as it absolutely shat down with rain in Donetsk and the cameramen had a chance to film dramatic weather shots as forked lightning was the order of the day.  The referee not only had to consider the safety of the players as usual but during the stoppage he also had to consider the wished of the UEFA officials who were following him around everywhere who were doubtless worried about TV schedules and being late for their restaurant bookings.  Luckily the rain stopped and so disaster was averted and with the England game being put back a mere 15 minutes, no reservations had to be cancelled but the players (who were less important than dinner) had to get started straight away with no warm up.

When the game got going, France were obviously the better of the two sides with Menez missing decent chances.  Ukraine on the other hand are relying on a 47 year old and Shevchenko looks like their only striker who is any threat at all and he at least forced a save from Lloris.  Into the second half and France finally took the lead when Benzema put Menez in to finally beat Piliatov which put the French totally in control and Benzema this time teed up Cabaye to score and put the game to bed.  Ukraine gave up at this point and Cabaye smashing a shot against the post was the closest we got to another goal.

With that done we were straight into England v Sweden where the expected news of Andy Carroll’s inclusion in place of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain was confirmed but more worrying than that, James Milner was still in the side.  All the talk of Sweden was about Zlatan Ibrahimovic who is a bit like the United Nations of Germany’s Mario Gomez in that I’ve never seen him have a good game.

England started pretty well and the first decent chance came via the cultured right boot of Milner who got up the pitch and saw his whipped cross slide off the forehead of Welbeck and keep on going wide of the far post.  Welbeck then teed up Parker to crash in a shot which would have been a goal of the tournament contender if Isaksson hadn’t taken off and superbly tipped it past the post.  Another cross from the right had us all out of our seats about 10 minutes later as Gerrard did well to keep the ball in before firing over a perfect cross for Andy Carroll to rise and completely thump a header into the net past Isaksson.  This goal is like football porn to me (and not because it has a big bloke with a ponytail in it) as it’s one of the best headers I’ve ever seen. For once the super slo-mo they insist on showing is really worth it as he rises and bang… get the fuck in there.  Now, will all those of you who thought Big Andy was a waste of space please admit that maybe you were hasty in your judgement?  Come on… I admitted that I may have got it wrong about Mario Gomez…

Another question is, would I have to admit about being wrong about Zlatan Ibrahimovic?  On today’s evidence, yes I would.  The guy struts around, is 6 foot 5 and has a neck which looks like it’s been transplanted from a fucking rhino or something…. and he has this aura of being fucking hard and our players look terrified of him.  There is no way that even John Terry would consider shagging his wife.  Time and again he just stood there with the ball and was almost daring England players to take it off him.  He brushed off England players until the coup de grace when Lescott tried to out muscle him and Ibrahimovic almost picked him up and just tossed him out of the way.  Unreal.  It must be so hard for him playing in such an average team who arrive at half time, still only trailing England by 1-0, thanks to a horrible miss by Young who gets put through on the left by Cole only to take a shite touch and drag his shot wide of the near post.

The start the second half with a purpose but the first time we give the ball away, Sweden attack well and the move ends with Carroll connecting with his fourth attempt at fouling someone in about 30 seconds.  Ibrahimovic’s free kick is straight into the wall and rebounds back to him.  His volley skews off the side of his foot straight to Mellberg six yards out who controls and shoots, Hart half saves it but it hits Johnson who has played everyone onside and rebounds into the net, despite Johnson making a decent effort to keep it out.  A bit lucky as the through ball was a total mis-hit so bollocks.

The one thing we know about bollocks is that they usually come in twos and the second one arrived when Milner made his first contribution since the cross into Welbeck about 40 minutes of play ago, by hacking down Elm.  The free kick was curled in and England played statues as that beardy fucker Mellberg headed a simple goal from 6 yards.  Bollocks, plural.  The only good thing about the goal was that it saw Milner substituted and the appearance of Theo Walcott.

Five minutes later and we had one of those ‘goaaaaaaaaa-fuckhowdidhefuckingsavethatthebastard’ moments when Shagger met another pinpoint Gerrard cross at point blank range but someohow Isaksson got it up and over the bar.  Having made that unbelievable save, thirty seconds later Isaksson was looking like a clown as Young’s corner was headed away as far as Walcott who thumped a swerving, dipping, slightly-deflected volley, high into the centre of the goal as Isaksson sat on his arse. 2-2.

And then finally it happened – a passing move which started in our defence and ended with Walcott taking on the left back and centre back for pace and only one winner there before his cross was backheel flicked in by Welbeck to make it 3-2.  I admit that I thought he’d fluked it but no has suggested that afterwards to fair play, brilliant finish.  We invite a bit of pressure on ourselves by dropping deeper and send on Alex Chamberlain for the woeful Ashley Young and we nearly make it 4-2 with another attack starting with Walcott winning a header in our own half and ending with him springting clear and teeing up Gerrard to blast a shot against Isaksson’s chest and away.

And so we won, bloody marvellous and the usual England roller coaster.  A point in the last game against Ukraine will see us through but probably in 2^nd place to probably play bloody Spain in the quarters.  For that reason, I feel that we need to really go for the win in an attempt to finish top.  No one should be getting carried away after this win though as Sweden were pretty average and have joined Ireland on the way home and at least no one will be able to trot out those ‘never beat Sweden’ shit stats now.  It’ll be interesting to see Roy’s preferred choice for the Ukraine match – one of Carroll or Welbeck is getting dropped to make way for Rooney which neither deserves and brilliant though Wayne can be – we have to remember that he was complete shite in the last tournament.  The wings are our problem positions with both Milner and Young being poor today.  Will Walcott get a start or be nailed on as an impact Sub (probably) or will Milner be included to give Ukraine a fair share of possession.

Euro 2012 Part 4 - Warsaw Warzone

Mario - Not Shit after all

12^th June 2012 – Group A

The second round of group matches was going to give me a few problems as I was going to struggle to watch the 5pm kick offs due to travelling home from work.  However, maybe it’s a coincidence but the less interesting of the games are on at 5pm and the more interesting at 7.45pm.  So, Czech Republic against Greece is first up and as I’m leaving work, it’s on in the foyer so I watch five minutes and see the Czech’s rip into a 2-0 lead through Jiracek and Pilar, their two best players from the first game.  Another impressive Czech player is the right back, Gabre Selassie who is about as Czech as I am but his storming run to the byline to set up the second goal will have made him very popular in Prague.  Both goals were scored without any intervention from Costas Chalkias who is clearly still a dreadful keeper.  It appears that he even knows this and was substituted with an unspecified injury before the first half was through.   Greece did their usual and then started playing and had a goal ruled out for a very tight offside before half time.  Dodgy keeper are all the rage though and Petr Cech continued the trend by making a complete bollocks of a tame cross as he took his eye off it and allowed it to slip through his had to the unmarked Gekas who couldn’t miss.  Despite chucking forwards on, Greece seemed pretty clueless about chasing an equalizer and so the Czech’s held out to give themselves a chance of going through.

The early game was very much the appetizer for the main course of Poland against Russia.  You wouldn’t know this if you watched the ITV coverage with Roy Keane and the Brummie Potato but it all kicked off on the streets of Warsaw before the game.  Today is a holiday in Russia, celebrating the break up of the old Soviet Union so naturally, some Russian fans thought it would be a jolly wheeze to march through Warsaw celebrating this which wasn’t likely to be an inflammatory gesture at all was it?  I guess Wikipedia may have two entries for ‘Battle of Warsaw’ now as water cannons, tear gas, rubber bullets and riot police later said that it was a bit of a battle today.  Also, how did they manage to get a bastard great flag into the ground with ‘We are in Russia’ written on it.  Still, I’m sure Platini will say that hooliganism is an English problem.

To the game itself and it was excellent.  Russia play some great stuff going forward and the Poles (in a more limited way) try to match them.  Poland nearly took an early lead when Obraniak whipped in a free kick which was bundled goalwards, hitting keeper Malafeev on the knee and bouncing clear.   They got the ball in the net on the half hour when following a great passing move, Polanski scored from an offside position.  Just before half time, Russia got a free kick when Zhirkov was taken out at neck level on the edge of the box and Arshavin’s delivery was flicked in by Dzagoev with his shoulder or his ear or something.  No matter, 1-0 and 3 goals already for the youngster.  In the second half the Poles came out strongly and equalized on the hour mark when Blaszcykowski ran along the top of the penalty area and lashed in a left footed strike which curled round Malafeev and just inside the post – brilliant strike that was.  To say that he and the Poles in the stadium went nutski is a bit of an understatement.  The rest of the game was a right battle and the Russians showed that they didn’t really fancy it when it got tough.  Lewandowski fired just over with a spectacular volley and Dzagoev saw his low shot saved by Tyton who surely did enough to keep Szczesny out of the side for the next game.  1-1 at the end and time for some more fighting no doubt. 

As for the group situation, the Russians need a point to qualify which they will surely get against Greece but the Czech v Poland game is where it’s all at.  A win for Poland and they’ll go through, anything else and they’re out.  Poland have got a strange balance of decent players like Lewandowski, Obraniak and Blaszcykowski and limited thuggy types like Wasilewski  and Dudka who just hammer everything that comes near them, be it the ball or an opposition player.  Their full backs are a real contrast as well with the skilful Pizczek on the right and Boenisch on the left who is not a footballer in any way.  The Greeks meanwhile, need a bail out… and a new goalkeeper.... and he does look like Mr Bean.

13^th June 2012 – Group B

Portugal and Denmark is the early game and I admit that I was hoping for a Denmark win and Ronaldo crying as he spat his dummy out and sulked off the pitch with stopping to talk to anyone. Portugal left two of their best players on the bench again but it appeared that the manager had got it right as they went into an early lead when Pepe connected with a corner and flicked a very good header into the net.  It looked all over for Denmark as half time approached as Nani fed in a great ball to Postiga who defied the generally held belief that he is shite by darting in front of a defender and rocketing a shot first time high into the net.  The Danes got back into it though as a cross from the right frond Krohn-Dehli at the back post and his header across was nodded in by Bendtner who was totally unimpeded by any defenders or the goalkeeper. 

The second half brought a couple of those moments that you live for when a hate figure fucks up as Ronaldo, vying with Messi for the title of best player in the world, got clean through against the keeper who came out and smothered the greasy little toe poke.  Even funnier was when Greaseball rolled an absolute sitter wide of the post and then Denmark went straight up the other end and another big cross from the right was met by Bendtner at the back post who headed past Patricio via a post.  This goal put both Portugal and the Dutch in the shit but sadly, Portugal managed a winner when Varela (one of the decent players who I talked about not starting), played a left footed air shot but managed to readjust before lashing a right footed shot past the keeper to make it 3-2.  It was notable that all the Portuguese players bundled the scorer except for one.  There’s no ‘I’ in team but these are a few I’s in “Selfish twat who doesn’t like it when it’s not all about him”.

The main dish of the day was of course, Germany v Holland.  I’m of an age whereby this fixture conjures up imagery of a Rudi Voller, the be-mulleted German striker with phlegm in his hair, deposited there at high velocity by Frank Rijkaard, who obviously had a cold, judging by the way he dredged it up from the depths.  The countries don’t like each other much and there is no evidence of ze Germans having given all the bikes back.  The Dutch pick the same misfiring front 6 as they did in the Denmark game and like that game, Robin Van Persie misses an early chance that in an Arsenal shirt, he would have buried.  The game is fairly even but it becomes apparent that ze Germans have sussed out that Holland have a 12 year old at left back in Willems who suddenly looks totally out of his depth.  The Dutch now look all over the place at the back and Schweinsteiger has the freedom of the park and plays in Gomez who finds space with a superb turn before finishing with ease.  Ten minutes later and it’s 2-0 as Willems totally fails to deal with Muller on the right and the same Schweinsteiger – Gomez combination sets the latter through on the right and he rifles a shot into the far side of the net as Stekelenberg kind of falls down.  Talk before the game was of whether needed two holding midfielders in Van Bommel and de Jong but it’s almost as if they had none as Schweinsteiger just did what he wanted.  Talking of Van Bommel – he copped a nasty tackle from Muller which saw him get studs raked down his achilles but boy does he deserve that.  As for Gomez – well as you know, I think he’s shite…. Ahem!  Half time and easy as you like.

Van Marwijk then sends out the side that should have been playing from the start with the totally ineffective Afellay replaced with Huntelaar and Van der Vaart coming on for Van Bommel and what a surprise, the Dutch looked better.  Van Persie managed a decent snap shot which Neuer saved well before getting a goal back with a thumping finish from the edge of the box.  Game on, or is it?  Not really.  Ze Germans started playing keep ball and killing the game in ruthlessly efficient fashion.  There was time for another Dutch tantrum as the manager decided to take Arjen Robben out of Philip Lahm’s pocket and substituted him.  Robben just walked straight over the touchline and over the advertising boards rather than come across the pitch in normal fashion, thus ensuring that everyone was talking about and looking at him after a totally ineffective performance.

Ze Germans saw it out easily to win 2-1 and top the group with maximum points.  They're more likable than they used to be because probably, they're not as 'German' as they used to be.  It does piss me off though when you get commentators collectively knocking one out over the 'German model' as if they've totally reinvented themselves over the last 10 years.  10 years ago they were shit for once and now normal order has been restored and they're decent.  It was only one tournament (Euro 2000) when they were poor.

The Group situation is interesting in that a Germany win against Denmark (likely) will mean that the Dutch can still go through if they beat Portugal.  The potential change to this is of course if ze Germans fancy a nice tame draw against the Danes, then the Dutch are out no matter what.  It must be galling for the Dutch to be needing ze Germans to do them a favour.  If they do then maybe they won’t be so worried about the bikes.

Euro 2012 Part 3 - Torres earns a Draw

A 'Cheese Before Bedtime' Nightmare

10^th June 2012 – Group C

Spain and Italy is first up today and the hilarious team news is that Spain would rather play with 6 midfielders instead of giving Fernando Torres a start.  Can’t say I blame them really when the most advanced of the midfielders are Fabregas, Iniesta and David Silva… not bad is it?  The Italians of course are known for being negative and maybe this is because all their results are worked out in advance.  However, Prandelli the gaffer hasn’t read the script and has gone with two out and out strikers who are both slightly (?!?) unhinged.  Antonio Cassano is one and of course, everyone’s favourite nutbag, Mario Balotelli is the other.  I’ve had a soft spot for the Italians since 2006 when they completed the ‘English Dream Double’ of knocking out ze Germans in the semi final and France in the final of the World Cup.  Do I like that?  They play like a proper team with some quick first time passing and also that element of thug with players like Chiellini who lets just say, doesn’t fuck about.  Spain playing without any strikers just means he has six players to kick instead of one.

Spain of course can play too and some of the one touch close range stuff is mesmerising and makes me contemplate the hilarity of how England will play by comparison.  Spain do most of the passing in the first half but Italy have more threat and nearly take the lead on half time with a flying near post header from Motta which is expertly kept out by Casillas.  Balotelli has picked up his customary booking for fouling someone and then punching the ground repeatedly like the supermarket tantrum child that every parent has nightmares about.  The second half sees more Italian chances, none more so when our favourite nutbag robs Sergio Ramos and bears down on goal.  He has about 5 minutes to shoot or preferably, roll it across to his partner in Nutjob who has an open goal but he does nothing and eventually Ramos gets back and gets a foot in.  ‘Coming off… Mario Balotelli’ says the stadium announcer and he’s just about got Di Natale’s name out when he latches onto a superb Pirlo pass and slots it past Casillas for 1-0.

Spain predictably came on strong now and Buffon made a decent save from Iniesta before Fabregas got on the end of a lovely reverse ball by David Silva and made it 1-1.  Spain decided to play for a draw and brought Torres on and he achieved this by managing to get tackled by Buffon when clean through and then by chipping over a gaping goal as Buffon recklessly charged out.  Italy nearly wrecked the Torres-play-for-a-draw masterplan at the last as di Natale volleyed wide but a highly enjoyable, technical game ended 1-1, thanks to Torres who has given del Bosque another weapon if he wants to guarantee getting a draw from a drawing position.  These two teams are England most likely opponents if we manage to scrape though our group.  A somewhat scary prospect.

After the technical beautiful game, we now have Ireland.  Against Croatia, their game plan will be the same as it is against anyone in that they will keep it tight and try and score from a set piece (a bit like England’s current gameplan).  There’s been a lot of talk at the Euro’s about teams coming into the tournament with long unbeaten runs and the like.  The fact that Ireland are 14 games unbeaten shows you that at international level, there must be a lot of poor teams to play against.  The part of the Irish game plan which involves keeping it tight went to shit on 3 minutes when Mandzukic was allowed the freedom of the penalty area to head past the unsighted Given from quite a way out.  Ireland responded well and got back into it on 17 minutes in the usual way with a free kick from the wing, powerfully headed in by St.Ledger who beat Corluka in the air who clearly didn’t fancy it.  The rest of the first half was about Croatia possession, illuminated by Modric who was class.  Ireland were getting a foot in but progressively getting deeper and deeper.  As half time approached, it looked like Ireland would hold out but a horrible scramble in the penalty area resulted in the hapless Ward slicing the ball straight to Jelavic about 6 yards out and he wasn’t going to miss.  I’m sure that Trapattoni told them to keep it tight at the start of the second half but the definition of madness is to do the same thing and expect a different result and Mandzukic got his head on another cross and scored via the post and the unlucky Shay Given’s head.  As the second half went on, Ireland got increasingly annoyed with the more theatrical falls of the Croats and started playing on rather than kicking the ball out.  This rebounded on them when Robbie Keane was hoofed up in the air in the penalty area for a clear spot kick but as it was at the end of a move when Ireland didn’t put the ball out, the ref bottled it and didn’t give it.  Ireland created a few openings as the game wound down with Andrews mainly firing them all wide – decent efforts but not on target. 

Ireland have Spain next so I can see them being the first team being knocked out which is a shame as having worked in Dublin for three years, I want them to do well.  It’s amusing on one hand though as I remember watching the Wally with the Brolly game in a Dublin pub when England got beaten 3-2 and every Croatian goal was cheered by about 50 Irish-Croats.  Bet you’re not supporting Croatia now lads.  Ireland got a bit unlucky with some of the refereeing but the bottom line is that they gave bad goals away at bad times and have a lack of quality.  James McClean may make a difference but I can’t see Trapattoni doing anything other than naming the same side for the next game.  Croatia meanwhile were decent going forward but like Russia, you wonder about their defence against the decent sides.... what’s that coming up next…. Spain and Italy.

ITV have Roy Keane as a pundit.  I never like Keane much but you have to feel for him having to watch every match in the company of Adrian Chiles who is a complete arsehole.  Adrian signs off the coverage with a wanky joke about him having the hardest job tonight in trying to cheer up Roy.  Hopefully he’ll have a hard job in stopping Keane beating the shit out of him as soon as the studio lights dim.

11^th June 2012 – Group D

You can enjoy a tournament as a neutral as I did with Euro 2008 when England weren’t in it.  Enjoying it was done for now though as it was England’s turn with a match against the French whose manager Laurent Blanc warmed up by giving an antagonistic press conference about England playing negatively.  Keep talking you wanker.  I like the way England have been quiet and gone about thing in a civilized manner, no doubt repairing the PR damage done in the recent past.  There’s no danger of Roy saying something controversial about the Garlic munching cheating Thierry Henry hand of Frog string of onions retreating and surrendering French.  Not a chance.

Roy sprang a surprise and a good one by not picking Stewart Downing and deciding to go for a player who may actually contribute something and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain got the nod.  As a Saints and England fan, this makes me happy.  The rest of the line-up was as widely predicted with Lescott partnering Terry and Welbeck up front.  I had a plan of getting home to Southampton without finding out the score and watching it then but that all went to shit when the trains were delayed due flooding and so I was forced to watch it in a pub in Brighton.  It was tough I can tell you.

I was miles from the screen and couldn’t hear the commentary too well but I could see Chambo make a few decent darts forward and I could definitely see Young put Milner clean through.  He rounded the keeper but didn’t get any sort of angle on his shot and missed comfortably.

On the half hour it’s one of those beer flying group hug moments as England score.  It’s bizarre as England get a free kick on the right and Gerrard swings it over the top of everyone and rubbish but has to re-take it.  The bloke next to me in the pub says “Stick it on Captain Klingon’s head” (harsh but amusing in a "bloke int he opub" kind of way) as Gerrard’s second effort is powered home by Lescott.  1-0 to Star Trek and Jean-Luc Picard with his French name (this will be amusing to anyone who knows me with my French name) can fuck off.  England come under pressure and need to get to half time but sadly don’t make it as the ball is worked to that odious little shit Nasri who beats Hart at his near post through a crowd of players to make it 1-1.  Bastard.

The second half is cagey with Benzema looking decent but all his efforts are from long range.  The referee is obviously a Platini appointment as he’s having a shocker.  There are two identical incidents in the second half when a player is accidentally caught in the face.  Firstly Parker gets one in the mouth from Cabaye who has already committed about 4 fouls without getting booked.  The ref stops the game and then gives France the ball back from the drop ball.  Then, ugly fucker Ribery cops one from Johnson that no one really sees and France get a free kick.  The ref is stopping any of the rare attacks England do have as usually Chambo or Gerrard are hacked over and he just waves play on.  Wanker.  One incident sees the camera pan to Rooney in the crowd as he jumps up and nearly dislodges the squirrel growing on his head.

Defoe came on for Chambo and there was the collective suffering of an entire nation as Jordan Henderson came on for a knackered Parker who had run his nuts off and blocked the ball countless times.  Both teams had chances with Cabaye’s volley being deflected wide by Welbeck and the same player being denied by Mexes as he slid in on a decent cross when Milner decided that for once, he wouldn’t give the ball away. A good point gained I feel as the final whistle blew.  Happy with that and a decent start.  In the immediate aftermath of the game, it’s noticeable that other countries representative are queuing up to have a pop at England’s style of play – Michael Ballack being the latest.  Fuck off Michael… obviously a bit worried about the resolve this England team appears to have.  If it was down to me which mercifully it isn’t, I’d bring in Defoe for Milner for the next game, playing Young on the left and Chambo on the right and I’d send Milner to visit a Unkranian orphanage where all the kids will be grateful for him giving footballs away.

In the evening we have Ukraine against Sweden in the first match of the championships that I didn’t watch.  It’s billed as a battle between the veteran Shevchenko and the allegedly brilliant player who I’ve never seen have a decent game in Ibrahimovic.  They both miss sitters in the first half as Ibra (as lazy typists call him) hits the outside of the post with the sort of header a 7 year old could score and Sheva (as lazy typists call him) screwing a relatively simple effort across the goal.  Sweden take the lead when the main man pokes in a cross from close range but all this does is wake up the other protagonist as Sheva bullies Mellberg in the air and bullets a header past the keeper.  He made need a zimmer frame but the Ukranian is still quality and he gets his head to a corner to make it 2-1 with 20 minutes to go.  We have a Saints moment as Anders Svensson comes on as a sub for Sweden at age 47.  Back come Sweden with Ibra setting up Elmander with a clear shot on goal which he lashes horribly over the bar and so the Ukranians get off to a winning start and fair play to them.

I think the Ukraine win is a decent result for England as we have Sweden next who will have to attack us and go for the win, unless for some reason they fancy beating France in their last game.  England really shouldn’t fear either of their remaining group opponents, especially if we defend with the discipline we showed in the France game but in the Sweden game, we’re going to have to show a bit more going forward…. and I know we’re going to be hearing about how we haven’t beaten Sweden in a competitive game since 1968 but a) that’s irrelevant and b) they really are pretty shite.  Famous last words and bring it on.