NPC Match 33 - Watford 0 Southampton 3

The Vicarage Road pitch has seen better days

We have 14 games to go this season, only 6 of which are at home.  Even if we were to win all 6 of these home games, we still need at least 2 wins on the road to get enough points to almost certainly get promoted.  On the face of it, today represents a really good opportunity against a side who are not in the relegation zone but aren’t pulling up any trees either.  They’ve also just sold their best striker, Marvin Sordell.  I thought they were relegation favourites at the start of the season but are almost certainly safe unless they really collapse.  Staying up would represent a decent first season for Sean Dyche, their manager.

For us this week, Ben Reeves has been shipped out on loan to the Daggers, so according to Gus Poyet, he should feel right at home.  Adam Lallana and Sir Rickie have been named in the top 3 Championship players by the managers along with Peter Whittingham from Cardiff.  I’m sure that Peter will enjoy his award.  We also started work on the new training facility at Staplewood which costs £8m quid which is about £9m more than Pompey have spent on theirs which of course, is a school owned pitch in Southampton.  In their misery and need to deflect attention away from their own meltdown, the Skates are trying to make an issue of this, implying that this somehow means we’re broke.  Let’s see.... it’s called infrastructure, it benefits the club, makes it more attractive to players and any would be investors and the cost is about 60% of what we got when we sold our last Academy product, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

 

Talking of Alex… there was a new England squad picked by Stuart Pearce and he wasn’t in it which was a shame because a) we may have got some more money and b) we have to suffer Stewart Bloody Downing once more.  I confidently predict that Pearce will not get the gig full time.  And finally... Pompey are fucked but they have at least started to deal in reality and loaned out a high earner in Huseklepp and got in a kid to replace him.

Back to today and many questions, like would the Gulyman return ? Would Chappers keep his place ? Would Big Jos be fit ?  Would Tadanari Lee start ? Would Dan Harding play backwards and inside out again ?  If not then who?  The answers were No, Yes, Yes, Yes, No and Danny Butterfield and we again had no keeper on the bench despite seeing West Ham have the same problem in midweek and end up with a midfielder in goal for 40 minutes.  Unfortunately, the buggers still won.

Watford’s ranks were boosted for this match by the arrival of Tomasz Kuszczak who was a decent keeper a few years ago before he gave up playing football to join Man United who back then, signed keepers based on Scrabble scores.  He moaned once that he was a slave until someone pointed out that slaves who don’t earn 30 grand a week might get a bit upset by his analogy.  They also had the on loan Marcelo Trotta from Fulham who has been scoring goals for fun for Wycombe in League 2.

Some decent news arrived from the early game as the Fat Sam Total Football Bandwagon came off the rails a bit with a 0-0 draw at home to Crystal Palace.  Still, to quote Fat Sam, they are ‘the best footballing side in the division’.  Of course they are.

Talking of Rugby – Saracens play it here at Vicarage Road and consequently, the pitch won the battle of the first 10 minutes as no one put their foot on the ball and it just bobbled around, we had a minor scare when a hoof forward resulted in Superkelv cming out and punching ball whilst flattening forward.  In my opinion, there is no excuse these days for having a shite pitch and especially in the Championship and above.  Like in cricket, there should be penalties for dodgy surfaces and in short, you should not be sharing your ground with Rugby teams.

We took the lead on 12 minutes with a hilarious goal which was made at Manchester United.  Jose Fonte had the ball in the right back area and hoisted a hopeful cross to the edge of the box and in a bit of goalkeeping that was as poor as anything you will ever see, Kuszczak came out about 10 yards allowing Sir Rickie to loop a simple header over him which bounced into the net.  What is it about us and Man Utd goalkeepers?  Everyone remembers Le Tiss versus Taibi and last year we had an abysmal bit of keeping from Man United’s current 3^rd choice Ben Amos when playing for Oldham as he let an Adam Lallana scuffer through his legs in our 6-0 win.

Saints are taking the pragmatic approach to the dodgy pitch and just getting the ball in there.  When faced with attempting to run down a wing which has been chewed up by Rugby line-outs or bomb the ball into the box early, Danny Fox takes the latter option and following an impressive bit of persistence by Tadanari Lee (the man now known at Chung), the ball falls to Sir Rickie whose volley is straight at Kuszczak.

We’re in dreamland a few minutes later though as Morgan breaks up play in midfield and feeds Lallana who throws a defender with a drag back before squaring for Sir Rickie to drive home first time from the edge of the box.  Lovely finish and 2-0.

All Watford seemed to have was set pieces which usually ended with a clearance followed by a wild slash over the bar from a Watford player.  Chung binned ex-Skate Hogg in the centre of the park and instead of playing it out as he was injured, he said "fuck it, he’s a Skate" (in Japanese) and set off towards goal before teeing up Sir Rickie who took on a defender and was body-checked to the ground by a defender who was nowhere near the ball.  It’s untidy but it’s a penalty, only it isn’t.

Despite being 2-0 up, it wasn’t all good news as Lallana hobbled off on the half hour to be replaced by Punch who slotted in on his natural left side.  I like this round pegs in round holes business – much better than moving every bugger around.  The last fifteen minutes of the half saw a Punch effort that was reasonably easily saved by the Scrabble keeper but the main feature was how comfortable it was all looking.  Half time, 2-0 up and lovely.

Chung really should have got the goal he deserved when he got on the end of a Sir Rickie knock down from a Chappers cross but he seemed to go for power instead of accuracy and smashed it over the bar.  In truth it was a pretty bad miss and he knew it, judging by the way he writhed around on the floor with his head in his hands.

Morgan and Chung both fired wide as we tried to put the game to bed and Watford created what should have been a moment of danger when Deeney managed a decent header across goal at the back stick but Rodney Trotta and Eustace ran into eachother rather than one of them head it into the net.

The bed was made and the game was put in it with 20 minutes to go and the Man from Japan was heavily involved in what turned out to be the third goal.  Punch started things out on the left with a raking ball across to Sir Rickie who again cushioned the header down to Chung who got a decent strike on goal which Scrabble Slave boy saved well.  Chung went to head the rebound and was barged off by ex-Skate Dickinson.  It’s less of a foul than the one on Sir Rickie but the ref gave a penalty this time.  I mean... we’ll have it of course so we're not complaining, unlike the Watford players.  We care not though as Sir Rickie nearly takes the net off, smashing it into the top left corner.

Deano came on for Chappers and Connolly came on for Sir Rickie as the game ticked down and all that’s left is a moment of excitement for the 5 or so mug punters who’ve put money on Jack Cork to score at 2500-1.  Connolly works an opening and sets him up, Kuszczak did his ‘rush from the line aimlessly’ thing and Corky’s lob went over the keeper and …… 5 betting slips were torn up.  Next week perhaps lads.

Not too shabby a day then.  Back to the top of the league and an away game we kind of had to win, being won and comfortably so.  It’s the manner of this win which is so pleasing as it was a dominant display, a clean sheet and nice and easy.  Nigel focussed on the fact we did the ugly things well and that enabled us to go and play.  Sean Dyche focussed on how badly his team had played and that you can’t play like that against the top sides.  Perhaps the top sides make you look ordinary mate.

As for Sir Rickie – what can you say... are you watching Stuart Pearce?  The man himself was generous in praise of his team mates, especially Chung and assured us that the kick on the ankle he took was fine.  It’s also good to note that Adam Lallana took to Twitter to confirm that his injury wasn’t too bad either.  As long as that’s all true – a perfect day… well nearly.  At one stage, we were top and the Skates were bottom but Doncaster let in a late goal to leap frog the Skates in the wrong direction.  It’s but a minor inconvenience and hopefully the good ship Pompey will make it to the bottom next week and provide proof that shit does in fact, sink.

Next up we have Leeds at Elland Road which is always difficult but especially as they have a new manager in the shape of the much loved Neil Warnock.  I haven’t got much time for him but in the build up to their game with the Skates today, he did point out that the last time Pompey were in administration, they signed two players on 20 grand a week.  Not strictly accurate but funny all the same.

COYR!!!

NPC Match 32 - Southampton 4 Derby County 0

日本では、これは我々がそれを行う方法です。

Derby County were our visitors to SMS today – a team who started the season well but are looking primed and ready to make a late bid for relegation as they haven’t won in 5 and have hardly scored a goal.  They are of course managed by ‘Young Nigel’ Clough who I think it’s fair to say, didn’t get his father’s charisma or on evidence seen so far, his managerial ability.  In his favour is the fact that he’s not Darren Ferguson.

Derby were of course the team that beat us in the playoff final in 2007 which in turn sparked our descent into administration and life in League 1.  The planets must be aligned or something as Derby are on the South Coast and the Skates have just gone into administration.  Scandalously they have only got a ten point deduction, despite it being their second time in two years and not having paid off any of the previously agreed 20p in the £1 CVA.  The court did one sensible thing and barred that Greek bloke from being the administrator.  This can only be a good thing for them.  I feel that they should have got about a 25 point deduction as repeat offenders and for repeatedly signing overpaid players since the last administration but it’s done now.  I hope they get relegated but I’m glad that it looks like they’re not going to go out of business.  It means that we get to play them in April and hopefully we will bury them.

In other SFC news, Billy Sharp got some vile abuse on Twitter regarding his son who died at two days old.  It’s a good thing that this abuse got to the national media and hopefully the complete asshole who posted it will get the justice he deserves for being the lowest of the low.  In more positive news, Danny Butterfield got a year extension on his contract which to me anyway, was a bit surprising given that he’s 32 and only played 2 games this year.  

Butters would surely have been playing today but he’s injured as well as Frazer.  I was hoping that Jack Stephens would be called up from the Under 18s but Nigel decided to again go with the totally left footed Dan Harding at right back.  Chappers made a welcome return to the right wing as Guly had one of those illnesses that is always worse when it’s cold and raining.  There was again no keeper on the bench and with Frazer missing, no first choice substitute.  I wonder who the victim would be if needed.  My money was on Deano.  Not that we needed additional motivation but West Ham weren’t playing to day so win and we were back on top of the league, at least until West Ham hoofed their way back above us.  Talking of West Ham, they’ve decided not to appeal the Skate sending off last week – perhaps he did hit in the face after all.

Saints start the game like they mean business and it’s good to have some Bald Psycho charging about the pitch once more.  Harding’s low free kick is fumbled away by Fielding and the tone is set.  We win a corner after 15 minutes and from a Fox delivery, Big Jos throws himself at the ball about 6 yards out and bundles it in with his thigh I think.  No matter though and it’s 1-0 and time to pose the question to Young Nigel – what have you got?  

The answer appears to be ‘not a lot’ as from the next Fox corner it’s nearly 2-0 as a defender meets it this time and slices it wide of his own goal.  Derby aren't being allowed to settle at all with Morgan imperiously ruling the midfield, breaking up play and spraying the ball around.  Chappers still seems a bit rusty but his presence has terrifying effect on the left back who is a little tiny chap with only slightly more hair who hoofs it away before Chappers gets anywhere near him.

We do have the left footed right back factor though and Harding is looking completely awkward in the role.  It’s his pass though that Lallana’s first touch takes past a defender before he curls a left footed effort just wide.  Adam is at it again a minute later but drives a loose ball wide of the post as Young Nigel looks on in boring fashion.  That chance was created by the battling Sharp who wins and loses the ball 3 times while chasing his first touch.

Harding skids over another cack-footed cross from the right which every one misses until it reaches Sir Rickie who obviously wasn’t expect everyone to miss it and sidefooted it over the bar.   Derby then remind us that they’re here as Ward fires in a shot following a corner and Superkelv gets down well to hold onto it.

Talking of goalkeepers – Frank Fielding was a pain in the arse when we played at Derby earlier in the season and he has a go at doing the same today as he gets down well to stop a Cork daisy cutter which would have made a lot of money for Ladbrokes if it had gone in.  He’s at it again a few minutes later though as Sir Rickie’s free kick is on its way in until the bugger takes off and tips it over the bar.

Derby have a little spell of possession and I can’t make up my mind if we’re backing off or they’re imposing themselves on us.  The bottom line is that they produce sod all and some of the final balls are hilarious as they go straight off for a goal kick and you can’t even tell which forward they’re aiming at.  One (in fact two) worrying thing is that both Big Jos and Billy Sharp are limping slightly but we reach half time with a 1-0 lead and don’t look in too much trouble to be honest.

As the players leave the pitch, the fitness coach comes out and Jos does a few stretch before disappearing down the tunnel with the coach giving the universally known signal for ‘he’s fucked’.  We are about to begin the second half and we have two subs ready to come on.  One predictably is Aaron Martin and the other is Tadanari Lee, preferred to Connolly I suspect because of the space that is appearing behind the Derby defenders.

With Sharp and Big Jos having gone off, Derby tried to take advantage of any uncertainty there might have been and for about five minutes it looked like there may be a decent side in there somewhere despite there being no threat up front at all.  Saints create the first decent chance of the second half with Sir Rickie bulldozing his way down the left and flipping it back to Lallana who ignored the better placed Lee’s shout of whatever ‘get out the fucking way’ is in Japanese and hooked it goalwards to where Fielding tipped it over the bar.

This save gives us another corner on our right which Dead Ball Fox swings in.  This time it’s Aaron Martin who goes up for the header and reacts quickest to the loose ball and hooks it high into the net for 2-0 and you would think – game over.  Saints up the ante at this point and the passes are beginning to flow.  Young Nigel must have been looking on in a boring kind of way as his team got nowhere near us.  Lallana wins the ball in our half, plays a 1-2 with Lee before setting Cork away.  Corky underhits the pass out to Fox who manages to ride the lunging tackle before crossing to where Adam steers it in on the volley as Fielding kind of watched.  Brilliant goal.

Punch comes on for the tiring Chappers who has proved that he’s the man who seems to make us tick.  Also coming on is Derby forward Steve Davies who has been out of the game since an accidental collision with Jose Fonte at Derby, left him with a fractured skull.

Meanwhile, over in Japan.

コルクは、防衛から抜け出す作られ、右の背中にかかった忠成リーにそれを果たし卿リッキーとして遠く離れて先頭に立たれたチップの野心的な"足の外側"でリーを見つけることを試みた、庭を作り、その後打ちつけネットの反対側の右上にフィールディングを越えショットのロケット。 （Goooooooooooooooooooooal!！）誰も彼が行って、彼のトレードマークアーチャーのお祝いを引っ張ってオフとして彼をキャッチしようとされていません。それは、これらの偉大な瞬間の一つだったあなたが話しのタイヤ決している。それは幻想的なストライキだ。

Punch had slotted seamlessly into the side and created a chance for Corky which was blocked before it missed the target or was saved.  We indulged in a bit of piss take passing and Sir Rickie played the last 5 minutes like a bloke who was going out on the piss tonight – which he was, seeing as how he’d just turned 30.  There was just time for Harding to forget he was on the right hand side and hilariously mark the winger on completely the wrong side but no damage done.

Full time and EIEIEIO up the football league we go.  Only one place but it’s as high as we could go today so we’ll take it.  Our early season home form swagger is well and truly back despite the makeshift right back and the injury disruptions we had today – brilliant.  It wasn’t all brilliant as Derby had their moments but if you can play a whole Championship match and restrict the opposition to one little spell of possession with which they produced fuck all then you’ve done pretty well.  On the way out of the ground it was announced that the Skates had lost and therefore move effortlessly into the bottom 3 as we moved back to the top.  If Carlsberg made Saturdays...

Our Nigel was one happy fella afterwards, talking up Tadanari Lee’s goal in particular, together as one and all the cliches.  Young Nigel Cough was boring in his appraisal of his team getting ripped apart.  For me, we were excellent today with the pick of the bunch being Morgan Schneiderlin who was everywhere, both defensively and prompting the attacks.  The rest of midfielders all put in a shift with Lallana virtually unplayable at times and back to his very best.  Chappers still looked a bit rusty but the team is better when he’s in it and Corky had one of his best games for us even if he has taken over from Morgan as the player who should get booked for time wasting when he has a shot.  Danny Fox managed a hat-trick of assists but the individual highlight of the day was in the goal he wasn’t involved in which was of course the finish from Tadanari Lee.  Derby for their part, join Watford as the worst team I’ve seen at St.Mary’s this season.  Wouldn’t have scored if they’d played all night.

West Ham and a few others play in midweek but we are next in action on Saturday with a trip to the aforementioned Watford.  Time to take our home form on the road I feel.  Hopefully we’ll have a right back fit (nothing against Dan who was ok today)  and same side please unless Billy or Jos don’t make it.

The newspapers focussed most of their report on this game focussing on Lee’s goal and one said that we played the song about wanking, ‘Turning Japanese’ over the tannoy at the end of the game.  Never heard it myself so maybe, just maybe it was inaccurate, lazy, wrong journalism or maybe my need for a pee meant I was out of the ground before it came on.

By the way… the original English version of the 4^th goal was this:

Cork made a break out of defence and tried to find Lee with an ambitious ‘outside of the foot’ chip which was headed away as far as Sir Rickie who played it to Tadanari Lee who took on the right back, made a yard and then lashed a rocket of a shot across Fielding into the opposite top corner of the net. (Goooooooooooooooooooooal!!!!).  No one was going to catch him as off he went and pulled his trademark Archer celebration.  It was one of those great moments that you will never tire of talking about.  It’s a fantastic strike.

No mention of Ricky Lord or creating a garden which is what you get through Google Translate.

COYR!!!

NPC Match 31 - West Ham 1 Southampton 1

Before he was Fat Sam....

Off to play West Ham at the Boleyn Ground on a Tuesday night for possibly the last time.  West Ham are now owned by the Gold and Sullivan Dildo Factory who are intent on moving the club to the Virtually Free Olympic Stadium in time for next season.  Their fans don’t want that but when has what the fans want mattered.  If they do move to the Olympic Stadium and if Fat Sam is still manager then the ball is only going to be in play for about 5 minutes of the 90 with all the time that will be spent getting it back when it’s bouncing down the athletics track after another hooooof forward.  Better get permission to use the multi-ball system.

In other news since the weekend, The Skates have announced they are applying for administration, as if they weren’t in it already.  If the courts accept, the Skates will be able to pay the leccy bill and pay Tal Ben Haim his £38k a week and all the other bills they’ve racked up since their last administration, all those years ago.  I don’t see what difference this makes as they’re currently not paying the 20p in the £1 they agreed last time and after this administration will probably not be paying the 4p in the £1.  The courts will just agree a new lower figure for them not to pay.

Nigel has obviously been reading his ‘Positive Management’ handbook again and not named a keeper on the bench which just gives me the shits.  If you want to be positive then don’t put a defender on the bench – we can cover that as Corky, Deano and even Morgan can play in defence.  Is Frazer any good in goal?  The whole 16 is the same as were on duty against Burnley and I guess the only question was would Punch get a start in view of Guly’s fairly regular Away Day Disappearing Act.

So it’s 1st v 2nd and interesting to see who makes the faster start.  Within 40 seconds we know the answer to that one as Foxy and Jos combine to get in each others way when trying to head clear thee first hoof forward of the evening and the ball falls to Vaz Te who hammers in a shot from the edge of the box and Superkelv has to be alert to make an excellent tip round the post.  Now we’ve woken up and get a foothold but the next chance is also dressed in Claret and Blue as Faye heads down a corner and following a Superkelv spill and a bit of a scramble, Reid manages to scoop it over the bar when it looked easier to score.

There’s another let off as the ball appears to Hooiveld on the hand – in fact there’s no ‘appears’ about it, it’s a definite hand ball and we’ve got away with one there as the big man almost catches it one handed before hiding his hand behind his head with perfect comic timing.  Despite our best efforts, we reach the 18 minute mark unscathed and then it all kicks off as Noble has a little dive in the box in the vicinity of Billy Sharp and the ref gives a penalty.  Billy’s not impressed and voices a few opinions to Noble, causing narky ex-Skate Matt Taylor, all tats, stupidity and attitude to get involved when it’s nothing whatsoever to do with him.   He has a push at Billy’s face and makes it easy for the ref as Billy goes down in a fashion which is a bit too Adam El-Abd for my liking.  After it’s all sorted and the thick Skate has walked off, Mark Noble takes his ill gotten gains and converts the penalty as Superkelv goes the wrong way.  So, on the debit side we are 1-0 down, on the credit side we have 70 minutes against 10 men.

Fat Sam takes off midfielder Collison and brings on a replacement left back and let’s just say it’s obvious we’re going to spend most of the next 70 minutes waiting for the ball to return to earth.  Slowly but surely we begin to assert ourselves and really should have been level on 35 minutes as Green makes a bollocks of an Adam Lallana shot from the edge of the box and fumbles it out to Sharp who manages to hit it straight at the prostrate Green instead of at the big wide open thing with a net on it.  Aside from the obvious benefit of equalizing, it would have been great to see the reaction if the villain of the piece had scored.

The remaining 10 minutes of the first half are one-way traffic towards Robert Green and if West Ham can’t hoof the ball then they hoof the player and from one of many free kicks in their half, Sir Rickie clears the wall and just about clears the post as well.  Green showed up well when he pulled off a superb save to deny Sir Rickie after a Lallana shot had been blocked into his path.  Why can’t Green play like he did for England in the World Cup when he was shite.  The last action of the first half is a deserved booking for Lallana for having a Noble in the West Ham box when he’s obviously not as good at it.  Half time and 1-0 down.

The second half starts with 10 minutes of nothing and Nigel has had enough and Guly is out of here to be replaced by Jason Puncheon who immediately makes a difference as Nigel tries to stretch West Ham out by trying the alien left footer on the left, right footer on the right ploy.  Our next chance was set up by Adam Lallana but he made the mistake of passing to Jack Cork who has taken over from Morgan as the midfielder least likely to score.  Needless to say – he didn’t score.

It’s all Saints as Punch has a shot deflected wide and Adam fires a shot just over.  Fat Sam decides to freshen up his side with Nicky Maynard (who has already won two games against Saints this season) coming on in place of Carlton Cole as the striker in the 8-hoof-1 formation that West Ham are now playing.  They re-establish their number of ex-Skates by bringing on Gary O’Neil in place of Vaz Te.

Saints are still threatening and in the 70th minute comes the moment we’ve been waiting for as Foxy slung in yet another free kick onto the head of Sir Rickie who headed it down to where the lurking Big Jos tooka  touch before poking it under Green and into the net for 1-1.

Nigel pulls a strange one a few minutes later as our reserve keeper has to come off with what looks like a hamstring injury to be replaced by Connolly who goes into midfield with Corky dropping to right back.... hmmmmm, not sure about that one.  Turns out that Nigel wasn’t sure either as five minutes later Deano came on for Sharp and we looked like a balanced side again.

To be honest, there weren’t many chances in the last ten minutes with Maynard fastening onto a Big Jos slip and forcing Superkelv to tip over and Saints winning a couple of corners but doing nothing with them aside from giving Rob Green catching practice.  Final whistle – all over.

Though we played 70 minutes against 10 men, I’m happy with a point.  In the same way that at the start of the season, I’d have snapped your arm off for 2nd place at this stage, I would have taken a point at the start of this game.  Nigel is of a similar mind in his post match interview mentioning that the referee had an ‘interesting’ day and also mentioning West Ham’s record of having dodgy penalties awarded to them at home, mentioning the two against Forest a couple of weeks back. From memory – in their last 3 home games, West Ham have had 3 penalties – all dodgy and scored another goal when they assaulted the goalkeeper first.  Still, everything goes against them, which is what you’d think if you listened to Fat Sam.

Fat Sam was his usual one eyed self, saying that the ref was wrong to send off Taylor for a mere shove in the chest and wrong not to give them a penalty for handball.  Maybe so on the handball but Sam mysteriously left out that the ref was also wrong in West Ham’s favour when he didn’t give us a penalty in the second half and wrong big time when he fell for Noble’s dive to give the penalty which the Hammers scored from.  Of course, in Fat Sam world, the sending off started with Billy’s reaction to the shove by the Skate.  The chain of events of course started with Noble diving.  If Noble doesn’t dive, the ref doesn’t give a pen, there is no fracas and Taylor probably doesn’t feel compelled to prove how hard he is by getting involved in something which has nothing to do with him.  Also, Fat Sam’s teams don’t just hoof the ball forward.... stop laughing.... no they don’t and he gets really annoyed if you infer that they do.  Hoooooof!

There is an incredible media bias towards West Ham in any reports you’ll read about this game (apart from this one) as the mainstream media all seem to be West Ham or Spurs fans..  Plucky 10 man West Ham and all that etc.  Then you get that Moose idiot from talkSHITE who is demanding answers about “getting a fellow pro sent off” from Billy Sharp via Twitter.  I’m sorry mate, Alan Brazil treats you like you’re an idiot on the radio and you obviously are.  Why should anyone answer to you? Here’s some questions for you... Why does Matt Taylor get involved when it has nothing to do with him?  Why does Mark Noble dive in the first place?  I demand that you reply... only I don’t demand anything because I’m not a prick, not all the time anyway.

Hammers fans have obviously been brought up on decent football which they are never going to get under Fat Sam but will probably forgive it if they go up which they probably will and should do, given the Premiership squad they have.  What then in the Prem?  Constant hoof accompanied by lower mid table and relegation zone.  Maybe we’ll be the same but at least we’ll be trying to pass the ball on the grass.

As we managed to get ourselves knocked out of the FA Cup, we have another league game on Saturday at home to Derby who are showing exceedingly average form at the moment making it an ideal opportunity for another 3 points in the quest for the Holy Grail.

Where did he push him Sam ?

NPC Match 30 - Southampton 2 Burnley 0

1 Lambert, 1 Lallana, 0 Jay Rods

If we are going to finish in the top 2, it’s pretty obvious that our current form is not going to do it and  at some point, things are going to have to change for the better.  That point is now with the visit of Moaning ‘Bournemouth for Life’ Eddie and his Burnley side.  They have some decent players, especially up front with Charlie Austin, who always scores against Saints and Jay Rodriguez who allegedly turned down a move to us in the summer in possibly the same way that Eddie Howe turned down the managerial post at St.Mary’s.  I’m inclined to believe there was more truth in the Jay Rod story.

So, we didn’t sign Jay Rod from the frozen wastelands of the North but we did sign Billy Sharp and he’s making his first start today in what looks a very strong team.  Everyone is available and I expect, like I did, that Nigel was scribbling line-ups on a piece of paper from Friday morning onwards.  I had Joe Hart in goal but him aside as he didn’t join as an emergency loan, our line-ups would have been the same.  Guly was on the right wing in place of the unlucky Punch who dropped to the bench and Big Jos was back to partner Jose Fonte.  Frazer Richardson had obviously been practicing goalkeeping during the week as there was no Bart on the bench and there was also no room for Barney, Chappers, Ben Reeves or Yago Falque.  Strength.

Before the game we had heard that West Ham’s game at Peterborough had been called off so it was a decent chance to close the gap to two points as well as hopefully put a bit of daylight between us and 3^rd place.  3pm and there’s a decent crowd in place, I have a pop at a few people who didn’t come to the Millwall game with me and freeze to death, the Chuckle Brothers are in the building and the season starts now.  Lets go.

Straight away my eyes were on the new boy as Cork found him with a decent ball and Billy was robbed as he went to pull the trigger.  Even in the first couple of minutes there was the feeling that we were not going to be fannying around today when it came to shooting.  Frazer was getting down the wing well and working well with Guly but his first cross was overhit and landed in the Chapel.

Usually it’s me who does this but today it was the old man who said that “Frazer’s crossing has really gone to pot hasn’t it” which ensured that having taken on the full back and reached the by-line, the cross from Richardson was perfect for Adam Lallana to ghost in off the left wing and flick the header over Grant in the Burnley goal.   I’ve had a regular moan at the standard of Adam’s attempted headed efforts on goal but his was superb. Lovely goal and 1-0 and less than 10 minutes gone.

Eddie Howe must have been starting his post-match misery early as Fox wanted to win the ball more than Trippier down our left and having got to the line, rolled it back to Sir Rickie whose sidefoot blast was instinctively tipped wide by Grant.  The resulting corner from Lallana was met by the big man again and his looping header was over Grant and on the way in before it was nodded away by a Burnley defender from under the bar.

Burnley decide that it’s time to try out the grass in our half of the pitch and Tracy fires in a volley from 25 yards which was well hit and Superkelv made it look very very easy as he plucked it out of the air.  This was but a brief interlude in Saints attacking play and Sharp fastened onto another Cork pass and just failed to lift it over the keeper but on the half hour it was 2-0 as Sir Rickie picked up the ball on the left and floated a lovely ball over the centre back to Billy Sharp who tried to bring it down as Mee challenged him and somehow the ball ended up in the net.  Billy didn’t celebrate like he’s just scored though he did try and tell the ref that he’s got a touch on the way back to the centre.  The stadium announcer gave Billy the goal and I guess everyone was happy, especially those who had money on it.

For the rest of the half we were walking in a Sir Rickie Lambert wonderland as he led the rest of the lads in wave after wave of pressure on the Burnley goal.  Tracy stopped a Frazer cross with his bollocks which is always amusing when an opposition player is bent double on the pitch and Grant was showing up well in goal though and was very positive in everything he did, even if he didn’t always take the ball cleanly.  For all the pretty football and pressure though, we still went in just the two goals to the good.

Half time and the good days of the start of the season were back as we comfortably led and the opposition had all the problems.  A great depression could be sensed coming from the Burnley dressing room but to be fair to laughing Eddie, he tried to be positive and brought on two subs to try and get a foothold in the game.  The two subs were both ex-Bournemouth players with Marvin Bartley (last seen giving a penalty away here last season and throwing a big tantrum) and Josh McQuoid coming on.  Tracy is one of those who has been subbed so maybe his bollocks injury was worse than we thought.

Bartley in particular started the second half well and got Burnley moving forward and giving Corky and Morgan something to think about in midfield.  Burnley had a bit of decent possession for ten minutes and forced a few corners but didn’t look like scoring in the slightest as the imperious Jose Fonte and Jos Hooiveld kept Jay Rod and Austin in their respective pockets.  The closest Burnley got to scoring was a scramble which McQuoid swung a boot at and missed, enabling Superkelv to drop on the ball.

With Bartley running the show, something had to change and it did when Morgan kicked him up in the air which succeeded in slowing him down and at least avoided a repeat of the Millwall game in the week when we just let their influential midfield stroll about in his own acre of grass.  On the hour mark, Billy Sharp is replaced with David Connolly and he immediately looks a different player to how he’s been for the past few weeks.  Put it down to competition for places I guess.

Burnley’s brief spell is over now and Sir Rickie is still having a worldy of a game and combines with Corky to set up Lallana whose shot is blocked by Grant who knows nothing about it at all.  Sir Rickie then beats the left back and gets to the line, pulling it back to Connolly whose effort is scrambled away for a corner by a desperate defender.  A couple of weeks ago I was moaning that no one would have a shot and thankfully that’s all over now.  Even so, Guly could have chosen to do something other than whoosh it over the bar from miles out after a 20+ pass ‘take the piss’ move featuring every outfield player and a bit of Ole from the crowd.

The closest we get to scoring again is when Sir Rickie heads a Superkelv clearance past a defender before smashing the dropping ball goalwards from 25 yards.  Grant paddles it away to where Connolly meets it and puts it into the net, setting off on a big celebration in front of the Northam – the kind of celebration that makes opposition fans go ‘Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’ when the lino’s got his flag up. 

It’s time to run the game down and protect the clean sheet as Guly is replaced with Dean Hammond who comes on to shore up the midfield and to kick Marvin again.  The last ten are played almost exclusively in the Burnley half and we have time for a ‘standing ovation’ substitution as Tadanari Lee comes on for Sir Rickie.  In the couple of minutes that he’s on, the Man from Japan wins two headers against the much bigger centre backs and fires just over from a Connolly pass.  It’s all good.

It doesn’t get much better than that to be quite honest – two early goals and a clean sheet with the opposition barely threatening.  If you were being greedy about it then we should have won by 4 or 5 but this win will do very nicely both in the obvious acquisition of 3 points but also in the manner of the performance and the confidence it gives everyone. 

There were some great performances out there today starting with Jose and Jos at the back who didn’t give Austin and Jay Rod a kick and by about the hour mark, the pair of them really didn’t look like they fancied it any more.  I thought Guly was immense on the wing and did his defensive work as well as being a threat going forward.   Jack Cork had an impressive game showing a decent range of passing as well as his usual industry and Billy looks like a player who will add something to the forward line – I was impressed by his strength on the ball which is not bad for a fat lad from Sheffield (his words, not mine).  Talking of Fatty, which is what opposition fans still call him.... how good was Sir Rickie today?  Different class.

Nigel was back to normal in his post-match interview after his mini-tantrum during the week, stressing that no goalkeeper on the bench was born from a desire to be positive.  I reckon that Bart has a knock and Frazer is a better goalkeeper than Tommy Dismal Forecast.  Eddie Howe to be fair to the man, just came out said they were beaten by the better side.  He couldn’t really say anything else but at least he’s not acting like everything is against him like he did when he was at Bournemouth.

Rumour has it that Stuart Pearce was at the game today.  No one can be sure if he had his Olympic hat on or his England U21 hat or his Caretaker-for-Arry hat.   If it was the U21 hat then Jay Rod was shit so lets assume it was the Caretaker hat and he was scouting for the next England squad.  We can therefore expect that Davis, Fox, Richardson, Lallana, Cork, Lambert and Sharp will all get picked.  This will be their last chance before ‘Arry gets the job and fills the team with Rio, Frank, Joe Cole and all the other ex-Hammers. 

On that subject, we have West Ham away on Tuesday night which in the context of massive games, is pretty large.  Win that and we’ll be a point clear at the top and whilst we’d all love that to be the case, anyone who wouldn’t take a draw if offered it now, is mad.  Same 11 I reckon with maybe Bart and Chappers on the bench in place of Lee and maybe Aaron Martin.  I’m not sure I’d want to go into a game against an Allardyce side with no keeper on the bench.  I’m not saying that they’d target Superkelv or anything....

One thing is for sure, Jos and Jose will finish the match with headaches having headed away countless punts forward in a big Sam football masterclass.  Wouldn’t you just love us to give them a lesson in the art of the beautiful game?  Actually, who cares, it’s about getting a result.  If we hoof it up to Sir Rickie all game and win with a goal that Billy tries to claim even though it’s an own goal – who cares.

Come on You Reds!!!!

FA Cup 4th Round Replay - Southampton 2 Millwall 3

The wheels on the bus go......

FA Cup reply time and a chance to play in the glorious weather that we get down South after playing in the frozen wastelands of Birmingham a couple of days ago. There must be about 6000 of our fans who’ve not made it back yet from St.Andrews judging by the sparsely populated ground I find myself in. Either that or it’s an indicator that £18 for an adult ticket is too much – how many would be here if the price was a tenner or even less? Oh yeah, I was joking about the glorious weather of the Beautiful South – it’s absolutely Baltic here.

Nigel has mixed and matched the side but it looks strong – Bart is in goal with the regular back 4 aside from Harding who was in for Foxy who was serving his ban for tackling people fairly. Steeeeve and Adam on the wings with Deano and the returning Chappers in the centre. Sir Rickie was on the bench though so up front we had Guly and Tadanari Lee.

Saints start quite well with de Ridder running directly at the defence before eventually shooting well over. There is appreciation in the ground for the fact that we have at least had a shot. As the game settles down there is a worrying pattern emerging in that we are not getting anywhere near them in midfield and Millwall are just popping the ball about without a care in the world. The play gets closer and close to our goal without us making a challenge or even putting pressure on before it gets laid back to Trotter who sidefoots a lovely finish past Bart from the edge of the box. From a Millwall point of view it’s a great goal – lots of passes and then a good finish. From our point of view it’s a shocker.

With it being a Cup tie and all that, of course I have different people around me n the Kingsland even though I have exactly the same seat. A bloke arrives and plonks himself next to me as the clock ticks over to 20 minutes. “Have I missed much?”, he says. In my head I’m saying “Look at the big fucking scoreboard thing” but I settle for “not from us mate” as Millwall break clean through on our right and the winger should score but he scuffs his shot across Bart and wide of the opposite post.

On the half hour it’s becomes apparent that we’ve changed our shape with Guly playing in the hole and de Ridder and Lee playing up front. Lee is being supplied with a barrage of hoofed rubbish which is difficult to control when it’s two metres over his head. The full backs are now charged with providing width but Frazer’s having a mare and basically just booming the ball randomly forward and Harding is just going sideways to the centre backs.

Out of nowhere, Lallana picks up a Richardson pass with a brilliant bit of control and twists himself free in the penalty area before firing in a shot which deflects past Forde at his near post. We haven’t really deserved it but we’ll take it and suddenly, the confidence is back. Firstly, de Ridder gets to the bye line and cuts the ball back just behind the Man from Japan. Steeeve is at it again straight afterwards as he flights a superb cross onto the head of Guly who thumps it towards the top corner only for Forde to take off and pull off a great save in tipping it away....bastard.

The last significant action of the half is Guly trying his hand at defending and proving that he can’t do it as he trashes a forward on the edge of our box and gets booked. The free kick is wasted, it’s still incredibly fucking cold and it’s half time.

I don’t usually bother leaving my seat at half time but I do today for a couple of reasons. One is because I’m a man and the cold weather means that 90 minutes without a pee is impossible. The other is that I fancy a Bovril but there are just two of the kiosks open for the whole of the Kingsland. The queue tells me that it isn’t going to happen this side of the second half so I give up. It’s a ridiculous underestimation of how many kiosks needed to be opened.

I assume Nigel’s teamtalk at halftime featured raised voices and this as proven after 5 minutes. He must have shouted that “The little Japanese Guy needs the ball passed on the ground” and the ref must have heard through the walls as he intercepted a Millwall pass and set Lee on his way to inside the penalty area before he shot just wide. I bet the ref was delighted that he missed or else he was getting an assist.

Lee is at the centre of most things just now and gets chopped over on the left hand edge of the box. Whilst the big men waited in the middle for a chip, Adam catches everybody out including Forde by smashing the free kick straight against the bar and away. Whilst Saints are now the better side, Millwall look very dangerous every time they come forward and Bart has to get down well to tip Henry’s low drive round the post. Bart then starts and finishes a move by taking a shite goal kick with ends up back with Millwall who work an opportunity for Trotter to fire goalwards on the volley and Bart makes a superb save to his left.

Guly is being a clumsy bastard and having already been booked it was unwise to clatter a Millwall player and it was even more unwise to clatter another one in a clumsy long-legged-can’t-tackle-for-shit kind of way. The order came from the bench for him not to go anywhere near the ball while a sub got warmed up and the next time it went out of play, Sir Rickie was on which left us looking a bit odd on the formation front as he went in the hole behind Lee and Steeeeeve.

Sir Rickie's intorduction sees us create more chances though as Lee can;t quite get hit foot round an opportunity that falls to him courtesy of a lucky bounce.  Just after, the man himself fires just over having been set up by Lee and then Lallana forcing Forde into a sprawling save from distance.  The 'fucking hit it' message from the weekend has clearly got through.  Just to prove that they haven't settled for a draw, Kane brings another fine save out of the Bartman, this time getting a strong right hand to deflect it wide.

I was already of the opinion that the linesman on the Kingsland side was useless when he went and proved it by not flagging when the Millwall left back aimed a retaliatory kick at Chappers after Bald Psycho had steamed into a tackle. The ref was blindside so can be forgiven for missing it but the lino was directly in between me and Chappers so he must have seen it. If not then we have a problem but not as much as the bloke next to me who comes back from getting his half-time burger. I make it that so far, he’s missed 60% of the match, a bit like Jack Cork on Saturday.

Chappers has lasted an hour and been replaced by Ben Reeves who immediately makes me realise how far off the pace Chappers was as he sets about making a huge difference with his energy and passing range. The whole team seems lifted and de Ridder sparks to life again and sets up Lee who fires just over this time.

It now looks like it’s coming soon and Sir Rickie picks up the ball 20 yards out before advancing and smashing in a low drive which possibly took another deflection as it sped past the keeper to put us 2-1 in front.

Following the goal, Steve de Ridder appears to be struggling with his ever-present tight hamstring and sits on his bum giving the universally understood “I’ve had enough, take me off” hand signal. As we were in front and all that, I expected a midfielder to come on but instead of James Ward-Prowse, we surprisingly got Lee Barnard who went up front with Sir Rickie and Lee.

It’s turning into a great cup tie as Millwall flood forward but we have no defensive shape at all with the wings being completely open. When we get the ball in defence we fanny around with it and following some fannying by Fonte, the ball is worked out to our left where Aaron Martin completely over commits and gets done and just like the Leicester game when the same thing happened, the cross is right on the money and Dany N’Guessan rises to plant home the header, no chance for Bart, 2-2.

The prospect of sitting here freezing for another half hour of action is at the forefront of everyone’s mind but hang on, we’re in front again as Reeves drives forward, feeds Barney on the 1-2 and slots it in. Offside according to the useless lino who was making his first actual decision of the 85 minutes gone so far? What? Originally I wrote somethign along the lines of 'how the fuck is that offside' but having reviewed the TV replays, it's actually Barnard who is offside when Reeves plays him the ball. Reeves is onside throughout so the previously useless lino has got that one right.... well, that's how it looks to me anyway.

Neither side wants extra time and everyone is trying to get on with it but the ref is having none of it and makes us go back as Bart has taken a goal kick with a rolling ball. Oh the irony in the 92nd minute when Jose gets penalised for winning the ball fairly and Millwall take a rolling ball free kick before the centre back has chance to get back. That said, there is still a lot to do but Feeney cuts inside Richardson into the Fonte sized gap in the defence and smashes a superb shot into the far side of the net, once more giving Bart no chance at all. A minute later it was all over.

Gutted to be honest. Unlike the Birmingham game which was on Sky, this one which wasn’t was a great game for the neutral. Loads of chances, saves, mistakes and all that good stuff which makes you love the game. Ultimately though I don’t care because we lost and we really shouldn’t have. I was happy to sit through another half an hour plus penalties if needed but the referee obviously wasn’t (here I go again!!!). Letting them take a quick free kick off a moving ball having just stopped our keeper doing the same is the sort of inconsistency that drives everyone mad. Having said that however, Feeney had a lot to do and smashed in an unstoppable shot from miles out so fair play to him. It’s not he ref’s fault we lost though – we were shite with no urgency and no real pattern of play.

Nigel was as angry as I’ve ever heard him after the game, going to town on the defending in particular. There were poor mistakes by individual members of the back 4 but the defending as a team was non-existent today. We were playing the diamond midfield though which when you don’t have the ball, really encourages teams to fly down the unprotected wings and where did the last two goal come from – down the wings. In my opinion we should have gone 4-4-2 with Barnard dropping to the right wing, once we went 2-1 up.

Positives – well Chappers got an hour of football, Ben Reeves was excellent when he came on, Tadanari Lee looked dangerous when we actually got the ball to his feet and Steve de Ridder was direct and a handful when he got moving and all the chances we created in the first half came through him – it’s a worry that he seems to always pull up if he plays longer than an hour though. Overall though, I thought Bart was our man of the match, making a string of decent saves and looking comfortable under all the crosses etc. He had no chance at all with any of the goals. His kicking is incredibly hit of miss though which drives me nuts – what do you practice all week?

In the league tonight, we were (kind of) all Skate fans but they lost to an 86th minute goal at Birmingham, meaning the Brummies are now breathing right down our necks. We have Burnley at home on Saturday and we have to win - it’s as simple as that. Today (Wednesday) I’ve heard that Harry Redknapp has been found not guilty of tax evasion. I have just instructed by work to pay my salary into my Monaco account, Comebackyoubastard68.

NPC Match 29 - Birmingham 0 Southampton 0

It was a bad day to be a Fox

A sense of optimism had crept over (most of) the fanbase of the Mighty Saints with the second half showing against Cardiff and the signing of Billy Sharp.  All positive thoughts are going to be needed today for a game at Birmingham who are steaming up the league like the proverbial train. In addition to the 11 men in blue that we have in front of us – we also have the Sky cameras which up until now almost invariably means that we play in a shite manner.  Knowing Nigel’s attention to detail we’ve probably been training this week with the Youth team dressed up as cameramen on the side of the pitch at Staplewood.

Sky also means that the game kicks off at 5.20 so everyone else has played... well nearly everyone.  West Ham have managed to beat Millwall despite playing nearly the whole match with 10 men.  Their winner featured a rugby tackle on the Millwall keeper which was straight out of the “Big Sam football at its best” coaching manual.  Fatso said afterwards that it was his best ever win as a manager, not that he likes blowing his own trumpet or anything.  Pompey were having their ‘Pack the Park’ match against Hull, only they weren’t as it was a bit cold so they called it off which is really piss poor when you consider what’s at stake there.  I hope they re-arrange it before the court date for the sake of all the fans who have forked out.

I wasn’t expecting too many changes to the SFC starting XI aside from Billy Sharp starting instead of David Connolly and that’s what we got except Connolly kept his place and the new man was on the bench alongside the returning Guly do Prado.  Nigel had obviously looked at the blizzard-like conditions and decided that a Brazilian would be ideally suited for this particular challenge.  

We of course, duffed Birmingham 4-1 at the start of the season when we were surprising everyone and they were patching a team together following relegation from the Premiership last year.  Liam Ridgewell won’t be playing for them as he’s been pushed out to West Brom who are in the Premier League – it really is beyond belief who a player that bad can be in a Premier League squad.   They also had the situation facing that other lot in blue in that their owner had been arrested for alleged money laundering and had his assets frozen.  Since we stuffed them though, they’ve had a creditable performance in the Europa League before rising up the league on the back of some very good recent results.  They still have that accent though...

Working Man’s Club, TV on, Beer in hand, let’s go… oh look, the pitch is white and it’s snowing like a bastard.  The referee, Phil Dowd, is on loan from the Premiership which invariably gives you some ‘interpretation’ issues....

The game starts and you can’t see the ball on the TV.  It’s not orange like the traditional ‘snow ball’, it’s yellow which just looks like white from a distance.  The players are playing upright – by that I mean that it’s like watch a game on an artificial pitch – no one is tackling and everyone is waddling around trying not to fall over.  When I say no one is tackling of course, I mean no one except Morgan who demonstrates that he can give free kicks away in the snow as well on a normal pitch with a clumsy effort on the edge of our box.  Murphy slams the free kick into Sir Rickie in the wall (bet that stung) and then hoofs the rebound out of the ground.  Birmingham create another chance soon after as Spector crosses and the giant N’Daw rises above both Fonte and Martin and glances his header just wide.

Saints seem to get a handle on the conditions at this point and are passing the ball now.  Lallana and Punch are showing up very well and combine from a short corner routine which ends in Adam firing in a cross which deflects off a Birmingham player and flies into the side netting.

The next incident involved Fox executing a perfect hard but fair tackle on Burke who squealed like a pig.   Over strides Mr Premiership Fussy Bollocks and books him for winning the ball.  I can imagine the report when it’s sent in to the FA.  “Mr Fox slid in and won the ball – however, Mr Burke performed a triple somersault with pike and made a noise a like a pig being skewered so I therefore decided that I had to book Mr Fox forthwith.  Mr Fox needs to master the art of detaching his right leg so it’s nowhere near the player when he tackles with his left foot”.

Nothing much happens in the rest of the first half – we probably have about 70% possession but do nothing in the final third at all and I mean nothing, not one shot on or off target.  We’ve played the better football by a mile but Birmingham have had the better chances.

Birmingham start the second half well and nearly score straight away as Marlon King gets the ball from the full back and despite all the women in the club shouting ‘No’, Marlon shoots anyway and Superkelv flies across to superbly tip it past the post.  As the club reverberates to a chorus of “She said no”, the corner is cleared.

It’s time for Billy Connolly or more accurately, Billy on for Connolly.  Before the new boy has had chance to touch the ball, we clear a Birmingham attack and Fox wins a challenge with Mutch inside our box.  Again the Birmingham player goes over in loud fashion, only this time Dowd gives us the free kick.  Every Birmingham report I’ve read on the game thinks it was a penalty when you can see clear as day that Mutch swings his leg to shoot, Fox goes in and wins the ball, knocking it away and Mutch continues his kick and boots Danny’s foot.  How the fuck can anyone think this is a penalty and in my opinion the referee has got this one spot on.

Billy Sharp’s first involvement with Saints is to fasten onto a Sir Rickie knock down and he should have hit it with his left but tried to cut onto his right and was closed down meaning the chance was lost.  I reckon that one way or another, given a proper pitch instead of an ice rink, this would have been in the net.

On come the cavalry with Deano coming on for Corky and Punch, after another good game, being replaced with the man from Brazil, wearing gloves, a hat, tights, ski suit and a balaclava.  It’s like Cool Runnings without the bobsleigh.  The substitutions looked like an attempt to win the match to me but it all went to shit a minute later as Burke took on Fox for pace, knocked it too far and Fox ill-advisedly gave him a little push.  Burke went to ground and slid in the snow on his bum.   Whilst the stewards were despatched to look for the sniper, a free kick fair enough but a yellow card – you are having one there ref.  Absolutely stupid decision.  Foxy realises there’s no point in arguing and walks off.

What the fuck is the game coming to now?  What do you know – we get a Premier League ref and we get one of the most ridiculous red cards I’ve ever seen.  The first yellow wasn’t even a foul and the second one was a slight push when the winger had already overrun the ball.  Yes, it was a foul but never worth a yellow card.   With a regular championship referee, even with the idiot we had last week, Fox would still be on the pitch and we wouldn’t be about to play the last 10 minutes with Deano at right back and Frazer on the left.

Having witnessed that – the next action is Guly bearing down on goal and Caldwell cynically takes him out.  There is no question and it is 100% deliberate.  Yellow card only issued due to their being a covering defender.  The point is that he gets a yellow card for an offence which was totally pre-meditated and more of a foul than either of the Fox challenges.  Still, we have a free kick from 25 yards out so we can mete out our own justice.  Up steps Sir Rickie and bang… no, hang on, it’s a wanky little chip to the back stick which gets headed away…. Aaaaargh!!!

We play out the remaining few minutes without alarm and without shooting, the final whistle goes and we’ve got a point which I’m well chuffed with.   I can’t help but wonder though if we’d score more goals and maybe win more matches if someone actually had a fucking shot occasionally.  I mean, I love Sir Rickie and all that and I’m sure all Saints fans do but what the fuck was that?  A free kick, well in range, snow and slippery shit all over the pitch, we haven’t had a shot all game, last minute – fucking hit it!!!

In truth, no one deserved to win the game, despite what I’ve read on Birmingham slanted reports since the game finished.  Nigel had it spot on when he said that we played some great stuff without any end product.  There was only one team trying to play football out there but if you don’t shoot, you don’t win.  The main performers for us were Superkelv, Fonte and Aaron Martin who all ensured that Brum had very few chances.  Punch was the pick of the midfielders again and Lallana was superb in the first half – second half though, I only saw him at the end when he was shaking hands with someone.  Billy Sharp had a quiet debut and ended up in midfield after Foxy got sent off.  We’ll have to wait for Burnley at home on Saturday before we get the chance to see him and Sir Rickie start a game together.

To the neutral observer, todays game would have been a complete bag of shite which is kind of poetic justice as there is no way that game should have been played nor would have been played if it wasn’t on Sky.  The ball wasn’t rolling properly in the snow and if the ball had been slowing up on a wet pitch then it would have been called off due to the pitch being waterlogged.  Also, you could see that players were adjusting the way they played to avoid getting injured etc.  So it shouldn’t have been played in my opinion though I’m ultimately glad it was.   It’s ironic that if it had kicked off at 3pm instead of the latest stupid kick off time of 5.20pm, then all would have been fine as they snow didn’t really come on until 5pm.

Having gone a man down I was pleased to get a point but what is it with refs at the moment.  We’ve had a few recently with D’Arsehole at Brighton, that twat last week against Cardiff and Dowd today.  Can we have that guy who gave us that penalty against Brighton when Fonte was a yard outside the box – I liked him!!!.  To be fair, Phil Dowd got most things right today but the two he got wrong both involved Danny Fox.  I don’t care what anyone says – the first yellow card is not even a foul.  He’s gone in hard, won the ball and the opponent made a loud noise.  I read one report where it was stated that Burke complained to the ref that Fox was deliberately trying to injure him.  If that report is true then Burke needs to have a word with himself the pathetic little shit.

Next up is the FA Cup replay against Millwall where I expect to see several chances with the likes of Bart, Harding, Jaidi, Chappers, Deano, de Ridder, Tadanari Lee and Barnard coming into the side.  The reward is a home tie against Bolton in Round 5, it’s worth having so let’s get out there and fucking do it.

NPC Match 28 - Southampton 1 Cardiff 1

Not a very inventive choice of picture, I grant you...

Monday was a good day.  In fact, it was a brilliant day. We finally signed the striker we’d been looking for when Billy Sharp joined from Doncaster for a reported £1.8 million quid.  I’m not sure how we managed that considering that we had an offer accepted for £3.25 million in the summer – maybe the media talk bollocks, you never know. Considering the rumoured silly money we’d have to have paid Celtic for Gary Hooper – this is an absolute bargain for a striker who virtually guarantees goals.  For what it’s worth, I reckon Nigel wanted either of them and reckon he’d have been happy with either and neither player would have been preferred over the other.  It’s an exciting signing and puts me in mind of when we signed Kevin Phillips to partner James Beattie.  That partnership was good but not great but hopefully Billy and Sir Rickie won’t have any issues with muffins, drink driving and Vodafone salesmen.

So, for the last league game we had two available forwards in the Gulyman and David Connolly and the following week we have those two plus, Sir Rickie, Sharp, Barney and Tadanari Lee. Hang on a minute... turns out that Billy didn’t sign before the deadline and so won’t be available for the Cardiff game.  If he’d signed on loan he could have played but as it was a permanent deal then he can’t.  That’s not stupid at all, is it!  Well it means that whoever partners Sir Rickie will be busting to have the game of his life or else he’s getting dropped next week.   So, lots of options which can be a problem but you’d rather that than the other way round, which brings us onto ..... drumroll.....  bu-bmp, tshhhh, Pompey.

News of the Billy Sharp signing hit the web at approximately the same time that it emerged that Pompey had missed pay day for their players and staff for January.  It was also confirmed that their bank accounts are frozen and everyone’s favourite administrator Andrew Andronikou was ‘advising’ on transfers which is very strange when you consider that he’s not the administrator for Pompey and Pompey are not in administration.  Andronikou’s involvement is expected to ramp up over the next few weeks and he’s down to partner Jamie Ashdown at centre back if they sell all their decent players.

As a closer on the transfer window - regular readers will know that I have a problem with the overly negative elements of our fan base who have been bellyaching since the close of the loan transfer window about us not strengthening and blah blah blah.  It’s the same people who moaned that we were only 2 points clear at the top when it should have been 20 etc etc.  Well, we’ve now got Tadanari Lee, Yago Falque and Billy Sharp – not to mention Punch and Jos Hooiveld out of this little period of transfer activity.  Are you all happy yet?

To tonight and we have a huge game against Cardiff at home.  Win and we will be four points clear of the team in 3^rd place, lose and we will be out of the automatic promotion places for the first time this season.  It can be construed as negative to be happy with a draw but in truth, a draw would not be a bad result tonight.  Our team looks decent with Adam Lallana and Jose Fonte returning from injury.  David Connolly partners Sir Rickie up front and Punch keeps his place on the wing with Deano being left out of the central midfield.  Getting on the bench is a tough job now and Steeeeeve doesn’t make the cut with Tadanari Lee and Falque being the attacking options.  Radhi didn’t make the bench as he, at 46, had this morning become the oldest player ever to play for an Under-21 team.  Cardiff meanwhile, were straight off the back of reaching the Carling Cup final and fair play to them for that.

Inside the ground it was the wrong side of ‘fucking cold’ as the game kicked off.  My hands were freezing and hands were the order of the day after two minutes when, five yards in front of the linesperson (careful) and about the same from the ref, Whittingham quite clearly punched the ball and neither of them saw it which set the tone for what was to come.

There was an early exchange of chances as a Cardiff midfielder wasn’t tracked and got free in our box and flicked a header over the bar.   At the other end, Adam Lallana twisted McNaughton inside and out several times before standing up a decent cross which Sir Rickie won but he could only direct his header over the bar.

McNaughton was not having a good time at the moment and it didn’t get better for him as Punch, in his eagerness to make an impression, rugby tackled him and landed on him as they fell causing all the air to leave his body in one go.  The referee was infuriating me and the rest of the Saints fans by not giving us anything at all and managed to get an ovation for himself on 18 minutes when he gave us our first free-kick.   Cheers, though ironic, turned to jeers five minutes later as Sir Rickie skinned left back Taylor and as he bore down on goal was clearly wrestled to the ground in everyone’s eyes except the linesman and the referee who was near the half way line, not keeping up with play in the slightest.  If he gives a penalty then it’s probably a red card so in my view, he bottled it.

Kenny Miller is up front on his own for Cardiff and whilst he undoubtedly is a good player, he’s a moaning git getting pulled up for an obvious offside and spending two minutes holding the ball and arguing with the ref.  Punch is like a man transformed, winning tackles and using the ball really intelligently and Sir Rickie is showing what an important player he is for us (as if we didn’t know) by being at the heart of all our good attacking moments.  Again he got himself on the end of a cross from ??? this time but was crowded out by three Cardiff defenders and was forced to head over again.

Just when it looked like any threat from Cardiff had been kept at bay they got a corner which was swung in. It was no more than 4 yards out and Superkelv came at it unconvincingly and ran into the strategically placed Cowie who blocked his path quite deliberately.  Superkelv hit the deck in a pile of bodies.  The ball fell loose to Conway who couldn’t miss from 6 yards.  Kelvin ran after the ref implying that he’d been fouled but either way, it was 1-0.  One nil to the referee we sang, one nil to the sheep shaggers sang the sheep shaggers.  Fair play.

We seemed to be rocked by the goal and Cardiff swarmed all over us with Morgan putting in the most cynical and obvious ‘give me a yellow’ tackle in midfield to stop one break.  Then, following a piece of ball control from Frazer that will not find its way into any coaching DVD, Cardiff broke and Kenny Miller came up with one of the worst effort he can ever have come up with and spooned it over the bar.  The ref helped us out straight after by stopping another Cardiff break by getting his fat arse in the way and giving us possession.  Cardiff still managed to nearly make it 2-0 when Taylor rumbled forward and hit a swerving effort which Superkelv parried away in somewhat awkward fashion.  It doesn’t matter if it looked awkward – if it’s not in the net, that’s good.

A number of our players seem scared to shoot at the moment and this was typified just before the break as Sir Rickie cut in onto his right foot and instead of leathering it, slid it sideways to Connolly who instead of leathering it, knocked it sideways to Punch’s right foot, so instead of leathering it, he cut it back to Connolly who instead of leathering it, got tackled by a Cardiff player who with all the pissing about had managed to get himself back into position.  At this point, Nigel wrote ‘Fucking hit it’ on his half time team talk notes.

Half times from around the country... Ipswich 3 West Ham 1....hurray, says all the ground.

We start the second half well and pile forward.  Corky and Morgan have obviously been given some advice about pulling their respective oars to get the boat moving as they are now running things and forcing McPhail to hurry up instead of just poncing about in front of the back 4 like he was doing all of the first half.  Adam Lallana is also now playing like a man possessed and causing problems all over the place.  One jinking run on our right gets him to right to the by-line in the area when he is dumped by a sliding Taylor.  The referee blows and points, I and the whole of the Kingsland get up to acclaim the obvious penalty and the twat has only gone and given a goal kick.  Unbefkinglievable.

There’s more magic from the ref as McNaughton slides in to stop a Schneiderlin pass reaching Connolly and the ball hits his flailing arm, allowing him to win possession.  I may be making an arse of myself here but does handball have to be deliberate ?  I thought not - in short, the ball hitting his hand has given him an advantage as he’s won possession using his hand.  This means that either the law or the referee is a bollocks.

Five minutes later and McNaughton and handball are back on the agenda again as a Lallana cross hits his outstretched hand and this time the ref actually gives it because it’s impossible not to.  Five minutes of pissing about later and Sir Rickie finally gets to take it, bang, 1-1, emphatic.

Tadanari Lee is ready to come on but instead of the predicted Connolly being removed, a clearly knackered Punch goes off to a good ovation from the crowd after running himself into the ground.  Connolly drops back but it’s basically a 4-3-3 with Nigel acknowledging that Cardiff weren’t using the wings so why should we.  Lee’s first involvement was to get knocked over and he ended up almost doing the splits but he sprang back up in the manner you’d expect from a gymnast or Radhi Jaidi.  Lee buzzed around looking very bright until a Cardiff defender decided he’d had enough and took him out.  After a couple of seconds to gather his senses he bounced back to his feet with a ‘Welcome to the Championship’ ringing in his ears.  Luckily, he wouldn’t understand that anyway .

For the next 15 minutes it was Saints making all the running but the final ball wasn’t quite there, especially from Frazer who didn’t look 100% fit and firing.  Adam Lallana was giving them kittens on the left and I swear I saw McNaughton checking to see that his boots were still on the right feet as he tried to keep step with the twisting and turning winger. Cardiff were breaking on us occasionally but when the perpetually offside Miller wasn’t offside, he was lashing his opportunities anywhere but near the goal.  

There comes a point when you have to decide that a point is ok and that time appears to be the 87^th minute as Connolly is replaced with Deano.  Into the 4 minutes added time and we produce a moment that  would have brought the house down if Lee had managed to get more of a contact on a Sir Rickie knockdown which was eventually smothered by the keeper.  We had one final near miss when Aaron Martin gets up well to knock down a ball which Lallana poked goalwards, forcing the keeper into a decent scrambling save.  Amazingly, the referee then manages to blow the final whistle without fucking it up.

Hmmmm, how do I feel after that.... happy enough I think.  The most important thing tonight was not to lose and we managed that.  We were the only side really looking like we’d win in the second half as Cardiff were restricted to hoping Kenny Miller could kick the ball somewhere towards the goal.  We do faff about too much though.... just hit it, for fucks sake.  It was a really positive second half performance and I can’t help but feel that with the new signings and the returning players that the tide is turning.  Having said that, next up is a trip to Birmingham who are now 4^th after hammering Leeds 4-1 tonight.  Other results went for us with notably West Ham getting trounced 5-1 by a very poor Ipswich side.  I bet Paul Jewell went and starred in his own video after that one.

Nigel made a point of mentioning the three penalty shouts that we had and that they should all have been given.  Me, I just find it incredible that you can have a referee at this level who can’t keep up with play.  If you can’t keep up then you are going to make poor decisions all game.   So take a bow Mr M Haywood, Andy D’Arsehole has a serious rival for the worst ref in the Championship which I didn’t think was possible.

There were good individual performances from virtually everyone with Adam Lallana and Sir Rickie standing out for their overall contribution and showing how much we missed them when they were out.  Man of the Match though and having the greatest come back since Lazarus was Jason Puncheon who was everywhere, didn’t waste a pass and always was available and wanting the ball.  All this is a bit better than wondering if you’re going to find a horses head in your bed.  As for the Man from Japan – he looked very lively and positive and I can see him being a cult hero with the fans.  The chances are that most of his opportunities this season will be off the bench but he looks a very decent option.  Maybe he’ll get a start in the FA Cup replay.

Like I said, off to Birmingham on Saturday and they are on a run at the moment where they are belting everybody.  Billy Sharp will be making his debut and hopefully this will help our shot-shyness, which is probably not a word but you know what I mean.  I have a feeling that we’ll get a result there...  unless it’s on Sky of course as we’re always shit when we’re on Sky.  Oh.

COYR