Palace Striker in Canary Surrealism Shocker
Having got over my annoyance at not beating the Skates, we arrive at Boxing Day and the start of 3 matches in 7 days that would set up the rest of the season or otherwise. We have course, not been great in December with the only consolation being that no one else has been particularly great either and we’re still top of the league. I read somewhere that the team that’s top at Christmas has gone on to get promoted in 5 of the last 6 seasons. It’s stats like that, that really mean fuck all when it comes down to it and are similar to superstition really… for example, today my brother-in-law is at the game and is sat with me, with my Dad moving to the row in front. Dad wants someone else to sample the Chuckle Brothers and their wisdom. Will this change of configuration have any bearing on the outcome….? It’s the sort of thing they fill a whole program with on talkSHITE. It’s all a load of bollocks.
On my last day at work in Brighton, the Albion supporting fraternity (one of whom is a bastard who got me some Albion pencils and dangly balls as my Secret Santa present) signed off with ‘beat the scum for us’. Their scum are of course Crystal Palace, who are in town today and they of course have already beaten us once this season in the Carling Cup when we put the kids and Johnno Pace in the team. Palace then went and beat Man Utd at Old Trafford in the next round and fair play to them. Today we of course, have a first choice team out with no Johnno Pace in it. We do, somewhat surprisingly, have Steve de Ridder in the team in place of Dean Hammond with Morgan Schneiderlin moving into the centre. I can only assume that Deano got dropped for wearing that gay base-layer long-sleeved white roll neck effort under his shirt at Fratton Park. Perhaps he misheard and thought Nigel said ‘South Pole’ when in fact he said ‘Shit Hole’. Making a welcome return to the bench is David Connolly who has completed his usual 6 weeks recovery from an injury. The expected appearance of Chappers on the bench didn’t happen as he slipped over again in training and did his knee again, so no Bald Psycho for a couple more weeks at least.
I expected Guly to play on the wing and Steeeeeeve to play up front the spirit of Christmas had obviously possessed Nigel Adkins as he went against his previously stated reservations about de Ridder playing on the wing which were basically that he didn’t track back enough and didn’t cross the ball well enough.
The first 10 minutes go by and Palace look a decent side who are very well organized defensively. They have the highly rated Nathaniel Clyne at right back who has been tracked by the big boys and Gardner, a big tall lump in the centre. Talking of big lumps, they have a bloke resembling a wardrobe in the centre of midfield. He’s probably all muscles but he looks like a bit of a fat lad. I’m pleased that Darren Ambrose is not playing as I feel that midfielders who get forward is a bit of an Achilles heel for us with the way we play. So, it’s two lines of four, come and break us down then! On ten minutes we nearly make the breakthrough as Steeeeeve feeds Morgan who whips in a perfect first time cross to the back stick to the on-steaming Sir Rickie whose goalbound header is well kept out by Speroni.
Morgan is making his presence felt in midfield by running the game with authority, pinging passes out to the wing to where Frazer and Steeeeve are giving the very dodgy looking Ramage a hard time on the Palace left. De Ridder is the focal point today and he provides both positive and negative. Bad news first as he finds space on the right but with Guly, Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana all in the middle, shins his cross behind the goal. Good news though when Frazer gets totally done by Scannell on the left wing and as the Palace forward starts to get up a head of steam down the wing, he gets caught and superbly tackled by de Ridder who has come from nowhere. Steeeeeeeeeeeeve!!!!
Wilfred Zaha is another Palace player with a bit of a reputation but if he’s not careful, he’ll get a reputation for being a knob. Danny Fox tries to dribble round him and kind of screws it up and just runs into him and gives the ball away before having a little tap at his ankles. Zaha gets the red mist, turns round and shoves him in the neck. To be fair to the ref, he’s obviously seen Foxy’s kick as he gets a yellow card for it and fair enough. He then however decides to ignore the rule about raising your hands to an opponent though and Zaha doesn’t even get spoken to. Palace obviously thought he was in trouble as their players walked him right up the pitch away from the incident.
The incident has got to Zaha though as he spends the rest of the first half throwing his arms around as a succession of decisions don’t go his way. His mood will doubtless be made worse by de Ridder giving Ramage the old go, stop, go before standing up a superb cross for Guly to head into the net for 1-0. Get in!!!
It’s all about Steeeeve now as he’s decided that Ramage is there for the taking and flies past him again, only to get hauled back for an obvious yellow card. There’s a comedy cameo moment as Big Jos bring the ball out of defence, feeds de Ridder and keeps galloping forward like a lunatic only for de Ridder’s cross not to reach him.
Half time and happy days. A word for the half time entertainment which is a kids relay race round the side of the pitch where they have to transport a ball right the way round and then the last player smashes it into the net. Hilarious as we had kids dropping the ball before the start, kids running off without the ball and making the previous kid run miles and to cap it all, both kids on the final leg missed the goal. Brilliant. I think we should do this with some of the fat ex-players with Paul Williams and Matt le Tiss on their last legs, literally.
Back to today and Palace have to come out and try and score now but they don’t seem to have much of a plan B. The wardrobe in midfield hasn’t got a clue when it comes to being creative and Zaha’s answer to the need for a goal is to put luminous yellow boots on. Yes mate, now everyone can see that you’re a twat, even in the dark. Saints fashion the first chance of the half as Cork wins possession and sets de Ridder away through the middle with a cute pass. Our famous Belgian should have had a shot really but ran into traffic before working it back to Lallana who smashed it wide before pulling the old trick of appealing for a corner.
Palace do come back into it and actually win a corner which we defend horrifically as McCarthy’s free header (which is heading well wide) hits Frazer in the chest (penalty appeals etc!!!) before Sir Rickie hooks it up in the air and Fonte climbs all over Gardner and heads clear (more penalty appeals!!!). Having seen the replays, first one definitely not, second one possibly though Gardner did just stand there and made no attempt to go for the ball – mind you, that may have been difficult with a large Portuguese man on his head. More Palace pressure as Zaha makes his one positive contribution with a cross and Glenn Murray hooks it straight to Superkelv who catches comfortably.
It’s all over bar the shouting in the 75th minute though as we build down the left through Lallana and Sir Rickie before Morgan spreads play out to Frazer on the right who runs forward and curls another fantastic cross onto the head of Guly who cannot miss and doesn’t. It’s 2-0 and we are back.
You can always tells that the goalscorer was about to be substituted when a sub was ready to come on before the goal and then the fourth official desperately starts fucking about with the electronic board. Eventually, Guly stays on and Steve de Ridder comes off having had his best game so far for Saints. Personally I thought we should have taken Lallana off as he wasn’t quite at it today but the good news was that David Connolly was back on the pitch.
Adam nearly makes the most of his reprieve by pulling out a wonderful turn to leave the fat wardrobe in his wake before ruining the aesthetic beauty of the moment by lashing horribly over the bar. It’s time for a Man of the Match Standing Ovation substitution as Morgan makes way for Deano and his gay jumper. There is no excuse – not even if his wife bought it for him.
More comedy as the fat wardrobe lumbers into a threatening position and tries to curl an inviting cross into his forwards path. He succeeds only in sidefooting is straight to Superkelv in embarrassing back-pass fashion before going straight to McDonalds for a comfort burger.
I don’t usually remember the direct Chuckle Brothers quotes as I’m trying to ignore them but today, one stuck in my mind and gives a real indication of what we have to put up with. This classic comes from the Moronic one. As the 93rd minute ticks down, the ball hits Scannell on the arm and the ref gives a free kick which Scannell doesn’t agree with...
“It was a handball.... own up.... be a man.... not a canary”.
Everyone is looking at everyone else with their very best ‘What the Fuck?’ face but no one says anything to him as it’s Christmas and we’re back to winning ways as the final whistle blows.
There were lots of general things I noticed today that don’t really fit into a ‘highlights’ match report. When we signed Jos Hooiveld a couple of weeks back, Nigel mentioned about the need to intercept passes these days, rather than tackle. Since that comment I’ve noticed how many times not only Big Jos but also Jose Fonte manage to do this. It’s like a throwback to Alan Hansen who is the 80’s was the only centre back who never got dirty. Jack Cork is also a master at running opponents off the ball and winning it back without giving the referee any opportunity to give a foul.
We kept possession very well today which involved a lot of passing across and backwards and waiting for the opening, drawing the opposition out. A lot of fans just do not get it and would rather we just hoofed it forward. Morgan was picked today, specifically for his ball retention and ability to pick a pass and spray it out to the wings against opposition who pack the centre of the park. Maybe that’s crap and it was solely because Deano wore that gay jumper at Fratton Park.
Finally we have the man who scored both goals today and won the match for us, Guly do Prado – yes he gives the ball away quite a lot and yes he looks disinterested sometimes but he makes things happen and there is an end product. Look at the goals he’s scored this year and last and I bet his assist count is pretty good too. We had another player a bit like that a few years back, in fact I mentioned him in the half time bit and it’s not Paul Williams. The criticism Guly gets is at best unhelpful and is really not doing anyone any good you know. I bet he’d get in every team in this years Championship if they had him as every team needs a bit of unpredictability about it and he’s it, along with Adam and Steeeeeve. Pompey’s unpredictability is whether the players will get paid or not.
We played very well today and won comfortably. Fonte and Hooiveld were class at the back and didn’t give Palace too much of a sniff and Corky and Morgan ruled the midfield. Oddly enough, the two players who are our two most celebrated, Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana were quiet today but others like Guly and Steeeeeeve stepped up. Palace showed signs of being a decent side but maybe weren’t allowed to be by their managers tactics. It’s interesting that the last two managers that have played us, both Voldemort (Skates) and Freedman (Palace) are young and in their first managerial jobs and are both adopting a safety first approach. Maybe it’s a fear of failure. Palace came for a draw and when they went 1-0 down had nothing else and didn’t even really try anything else.
So, a good Boxing day with West Ham only drawing and the Skates getting beat 1-0 to a goal by Dany N’Guessan who put a smile on the face of Saints fans today even if he never did when he played for us. Next up... Revenge Mission number 1, Bristol City
I note you didn't attempt the wardrobe's name....I note even Palace fans call him by his initials !!
ReplyDeleteDikgacoi or something like that.... thought he was shite....
ReplyDelete