League 1 Match 9 - Yeovil 1 Southampton 1

Read On... all will become clear-ish !

As the season finally started on Saturday, I was looking forward to the game against Yeovil and expecting us to win. I fully appreciate what league we are in now and all that but at risk of sounding patronising, we’re playing Yeovil and we should win and anything less will be a piss poor result. Clearly there was a feel-good factor around the club with Nigel Adkins having got his first win and the never ending positivity he seems to exude, seemingly having an effect on all (except a lot of our supporters of course).

Unsurprisingly, there were no team changes from the Sheffield Wednesday game aside from Jose Fonte returning to the bench. Yeovil manager Terry Skiverton would no doubt have reminded his players of the two games against us last year when we won in the 94th minute at Huish Park and won courtesy of two ridiculous penalty awards at St Mary’s.

The game starts with Yeovil on the front foot and on five minutes we’re lucky to get away with a clear Harding foul in the penalty area which should certainly resulted in a spot kick for the men in green. A lucky escape, which is evened up on 15 minutes when Sir Rickie, who is of course, without a goal from open play this season, gets as close as he has yet to breaking that duck when he takes in a Puncheon pass and smashes a shot against the bar which unfortunately, comes down on the wrong side of the line from our perspective.

For the remainder of the first half there were a few chances per side but nothing that you ever really thought was going to end up in the onion bag. Consequently, as has been the case with a large percentage of our matches this season, we arrive at half time at 0-0. Nigel has looked round the changing room and seen Alex Chamberlain yawning and drinking a cup of hot milk. It’s his bed time and this means that it’s Guly time (a bit like Hammer time but without the irritating fucker in the silly trousers).

With do Prado on the right wing, Saints start the half badly as Superkelv comes flying off his line to try and reach a ball he’s never going to get to, forcing Radhi Jaidi to use his extreme pace to get back and clear off the line.

Saints Player – that technological masterpiece has stopped playing silly buggers and is actually working which means that I can hear Dave Merrington in all his glory. I think he’s developing Motson Syndrome which is laymans terms is the early onset of senility. The off –the-ball running of Lee Barnard is being analysed and Dave says “Ooh he’s very clever, making that Jinxy the Cat run”. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT DAVE!!! In a second I am reminded about how bad he was when he was our manager and now I see why. “Now Franny, I want you to be Muffin the Mule, Doddsy can be Spike the Dog and Matty can be Willo the Wisp”.... anyway....

I’m still recovering from Jinxy the Cat when Schneiderlin, playing further forward than usual, runs at the defence and lays off to do Prado, who turns and rifles the ball in at the far post. We’re winning and it’s Guly Time U Can’t Touch This (Look it up if you’re under 30).

We really should use our superior quality to go on and get a second as Yeovil push for an equalizer but instead of that, we stop passing the ball, which is what got us the lead in the first place and start seeing who can hit Sir Rickie from the farthest away. I imagine that Dan Seaborne could have a good go at that but instead, he tangles with a forward who collapses and gives the ref a chance to make up for missing the penalty earlier on which he duly does. So – two wrong decisions make a right do they ref ? Twat. Penalty despatched with Superkelv going the wrong way, 1-1.

Jinxy the Cat is replaced with Adam Lallana in an effort to re-introduce a passing game but it doesn’t really work. We have a couple of chances as the clock ticks down and Guly comes closest when he cracks one against the post. The ball ends up on the edge of the box where we get fouled and get a free kick in Sir Rickie range. Unfortunately, Sir Rickie hasn’t really got a range at the moment and smacks the free-kick into the wall. Soon afterwards, the ref gets one right and ends the game. Fuck it.

Nigel’s post match interview is quite scathing of the way we started playing hoofball and also how we conceded a cheap penalty. He seemed to be digging at Seaborne for giving it away which is a bit harsh as it wasn’t a bloody foul anyway. However, in my view, Seaborne is comfortably our 4th best centre half out of 4 so if it means Fonte and/or Martin are back in the team next week then happy days.

Positives? Of course there is the Gulyman who got a goal and nearly got two in his first real half of football in the league. Lallana got some more action on the road to full fitness and Sir Rickie is getting closer to hitting the target which he needs to do because if he doesn’t, we are really going to struggle to kill off teams even if we really dominate them. Highlight of the day though was the performance of Schneiderlin who Nigel seems to have got playing further forward and is encouraging his to be more offensive in his play... and I don’t mean kicking someone up the arse which is what he did at Yeovil last year.

There will be some that say that we should be happy with 4 points from these two away games but whilst I would have agreed before Saturday – having won the difficult one, we should have won this one. To put it in context – to get back to the points per game ratio needed for automatic promotion, we’re going to have to win something like 8 games out of the next 10 so dropping points like tonight is not something we can afford to do. It’s a bit reminiscent of last season – midweek trip to shitty ground in pissing rain 1-1 not good enough.

Sorry to go on about this but Jinxy the Cat was the cat in Meet the Parents (Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro) and I can’t imagine for the life of me that Dave Merrington was referring to that and even if he was.... what the hell is he on? Also, I have never seen a cat anywhere that runs or looks like Lee Barnard who has never to my knowledge, coughed up a furball, eaten a mouse or cleaned his own arse with his tongue. On that note, bring on Bournemouth, currently in an automatic promotion spot having won yet again tonight.

League 1 Match 8 - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Southampton 1

Finally

Never had a weekends football started so badly and unexpectedly. I had spent a night on the beer on Friday night in Brighton, where I now work. So – a few beers down – I got on the train at 10 o’clock-ish to head back to Hedge End. I read a discarded newspaper and saw that our friends The Cheating Skate Bastards were playing at home. Checked my phone and saw they’d won 6-1 with 4 of the goals being scored by two players they were paying 20k a week each to, just weeks after ripping off all the people they owed money to. A word floated into my mind and it rhymes with Bankers. Then it hit me... oh fuck, this train goes to Fratton where I have to change. Fast forward an hour and it’s all morons going ‘Der Der Der Der David Nugent’. Luckily, it was 11.30 by this time so most of them had gone home as the tag on their ankle will only allow them out til 10pm. Not a good start.

Saturday saw a clash of the two teams who were favourites for automatic promotion at the start of the season, namely Sheffield Wednesday and the mighty SFC. They’d started the season well but were coming into this game on the back of 3 straight defeats. We of course had started the season averagely and then gone 23 games without a goal. Something was going to give today.

Despite the positive impact made by Lee Holmes last week, Nigel Adkins decided that his body couldn’t stand up to the rigours of two games in three years and so Holmes found himself on the bench again, alongside the half fit Adam Lallana and a fit-again Aaron Martin. The one change in the starting line up saw Radhi Jaidi back in the side in place of Jose Fonte who had what was mysteriously described as a minor knock, very very minor and he’ll be back for midweek. The players had had a full week with Adkins and his methods so maybe we’d see an improvement today – we certainly needed to.

Saints were the first team to show and immediately, Alex Chamberlain fired in an effort which Weaver turned away. I remember Weaver being touted as the next big thing in goalkeeping about 10 years ago when he was at Man City. Then they got promoted and he was under a bit of pressure and was suddenly found to be Robert Green. Hammond had decided to have a large game in midfield, smashing into tackles and basically providing the grunt but he also put Barnard clean through, only for him to be denied by the keeper – you know, the one I just said was a bit shite. Puncheon beat the keeper but unfortunately, not Darren Purse on the line and so we’d had three decent opportunities in the first seven minutes

Anyone remember Darren Potter? I do – he was one of the loan players we filled out squad with when we got relegated from the Premier League. If memory serves, he was a Scouser who naturally, played for Ireland. He should have been good but he wasn’t. Anyway, he was playing for Wednesday today and curled a free-kick wide, obviously put off by my shouting ‘fuck off’ at the radio as he ran up to take it.

Sir Rickie is of course, not scoring as many this season as last but he is at last, strting to show signs of life. Within two minutes he’s fired across a ball which Barnard was inches away from turning in and then set up Chamberlain to fire over. Soon after, we have a spot of bother when Jaidi takes time out from being a man mountain in defence and attempts an overhead clearance which is only going to end one way – on his arse, needing Superkelv to make a fine fingertip save to bail him out.

Saints no nonsense approach was winding up the home fans and also the referee as Hammond smashed into a tackle, won the ball and got booked, soon followed by Schneiderlin. I’ve not totted them up but I’m guessing the pair must be pretty close to 5 bookings now and any suspension together could mean the debut of the Wotton-Pulis ‘Dream Team’ central midfield pairing. With that horrifying no doubt in mind, Chamberlain swung over a good cross onto the head of Sir Rickie and Weaver pulls off another fine reaction save. Why are we finding this with keepers at the moment. League 1 Team of the Week – In goal – whatever fucker is playing against Southampton.

Despite the decent play and the barrage of shots and headers, we had managed to arrive at half time at 0-0 with the usual frustration – no goals. Now standing at 495 minutes.

For the second game in a row, a substitution made by the opposition resulted in us facing up to one of our inept right backs from last year as Jon ‘Two Holes in his Ass’ Otsemobor came on to no doubt demonstrate pace and nothing else

And then it happened. 61 minutes and Wednesday were pissing about with it, trying to ping it about but without the ability. An interception by Schneiderlin high up the pitch and he strode forward before splitting what remained of the defence with a through ball to Barnard who took it on and dinked it over the onrushing Weaver. Fuck me – we’ve scored…. and Morgan managed an assist. 511 minutes and finally a goal.

Wednesday look deflated and the crowd are giving them dogs abuse which as we know from our own experiences, doesn’t help very much. Saints are well in control now and on 72, Lallana comes on in place of goalscorer Lee Barnard who is struggling with a hernia injury and the novelty of having ‘goalscorer’ as a prefix to his name. Saints are creating openings and Lallana goes close a couple of times including a sitter of a header from about 8 yards which he puts wide. As we fail to get a 2nd, you just know that Wednesday will come back and they surely do as Harding manages to keep a goalbound header out on the line by using some part of his ribcage. The shot from the rebound is uncomfortably dealt with by Superkelv who foregoes using his hands and saves it with his face.

Ryan Dickson is on for Chamberlain with just under 10 to go and Saints are looking quite comfortable until that most evil of times – the time that the 4th official indicated how long there is left. When you are winning then 1 or 2 is greeted with a cheer, 3 is greeted with a bit of a moan and ‘4’ gets a ‘faaaark off, where did you get that from you barrrrrstaard’. 5,6,7 or 8 means you’re at Old Trafford and Taggart is pointing at his watch. We get a 4 – which seems like 4 hours when you are winning away from home and listening on the radio.

Predictably it’s all Wednesday and we waste time by bringing on Lee Holmes for a minute to bring him up to 90 minutes completed in three years. For the remaining time it’s all about Superkelv who is there again to repel the two decent efforts they manage and in another similarity to last week – when the 2nd save is made, the final whistle blows and we’ve won, thank Christ. Superkelv disappears under a pile of team mates and it shows how much it means to the boys to get a win. Nice for Kelvin too as we lost 5-0 here last time and he had a complete shocker. Another clean sheet and the confidence from this win should be massive going forwards.

Nigel sounded chuffed to bits afterwards and gave a very impressive interview, pointing out the need for fitness to play the way he wants to play and the fact that the most senior player in the team, Radhi Jaidi had been putting in extra work to get fitter. To me, that’s brilliant as it shows that a 35 year old with 100 international caps, in the last year of his contract is prepared to put the hard yards in for this manager.

In order to prove we are back on track, we now have to go on a bit of a run starting with Yeovil away on Tuesday night. We won in the 94th minute there last year and they were not happy so I expect a tough game but one that we really should win quite comfortably if we’re serious about getting out of this league this year. Following that we have Bournemouth who we know we can beat as we’ve already done so this year, regardless of how high they are in the league at the moment. So this weekend has told me that the season starts now and that you should never go to Fratton.

League 1 Match 7 - Southampton 0 Colchester 0

It's a fucking Bunny Rabbit, Alright !!!

Back to SMS for the latest home bow for the latest new manager – forgive me for being blasé about the first home match for our 95th new manager in the last few seasons. In the build-up, he had been first class, making the right noises and coming across well but when it mattered, could Nigel Adkins deliver. I had an early uplifting moment just before kick off when I overheard the one Chuckle Brother present today (the whiny one) saying that he was missing the next three matches. My loud cheer brought some quizzical looks from the Kingslanders around me as the tannoy was announcing the Colchester team at the time.

Our team showed one important change with Lee Barnard returning instead of David Connolly who was missing altogether, presumably injured. The bench had one different, if slightly alarming component with Anthony Pulis on there, for what I think is his first appearance on the subs bench since he signed, just over two years ago. I’ve never seen him play but those who have say he makes Paul Wotton look like Lionel Messi. Nigel Adkins comes out and waves to the SMS faithful and the 15 or so Colchester fans and gets a decent reception and I sense good things are about to happen.

Saints started a bit nervously but got it going around the ten minute mark when Barnard was chopped down on the edge of the box. Up stepped Sir Rickie and curled it over the wall and into the side netting. Bugger.

Aidy Hoofroyd may have gone but Colchester prove that old habits die hard with one man up front and whoosh. The one man up front it a bit of a lemon who decides to charge down a Davis kick out with his hands provoking a lecture from the ref when it surely should have produced a card. Ten minutes later he does the same from a Harding clearance and this time gets a booking. Pillock.

On 25 minutes there is a rare thing in that a Colchester player gets substituted and on comes Lloyd James as a sub. As he jogs towards the right back slot, he gets a generous reception from the Kingsland which is nice to hear. Maybe it’s because he was a decent if limited servant to the club or maybe it’s because we have a better chance of winning now that he’s on the field. Within two minutes he’s got the ball in a crossing position and his cross hits Harding on the knee. Some things never change.

Colchester’s midfield is made up of little spiky bastards who get about the park and snap into tackles. Playing against them would be like trying to dribble a tennis ball through a team of Jack Russell terriers. Kemal Izzet is the captain and head little shit. Last year he senselessly booted someone up the arse here and got sent off. This year he’s everywhere and managing to find time to referee the game as well, ably supported by this little blonde shit who isn’t actually very good but he’s very annoying and closes everyone down quickly – mind you, Stephen Hawking could close down Hammond before he’s decided what to do with it and his brain has told his feet what to do.

The Bermuda Triangle of Seaborne, Harding and Puncheon was in full operation – the ball goes in and disappears, only emerging later in Colchester’s possession, usually when Puncheon has tried to take on someone and lost it, or when Harding or Seaborne have hoofed it three miles – though in their defence, this is often when they have no one to pass it to. On the other side of the pitch, Alex Chamberlain was having a fitful kind of game – some brilliant skill and bursts of pace, mixed in with being knocked off the ball really easily and being too eager to play asfe.

Half time, 0-0 and in summary, not very good.

Saints best chance so far came on 50 minutes as a corner that had been won by Puncheon and delivered by Schneiderlin, actually missed the first defender and was met by the boot of Sir Rickie and his volley was superbly saved by Cousins in the Colchester goal. Butterfield got forward for his usual one shot and this weeks effort was a decent daisy cutter which had the keeper scrambling as it pinged off of someone and off for another corner.

With 25 to go, Adkins has had enough of the left hand side of the team and hooks Harding and Puncheon in favour of Ryan Dickson and (loud groan from me) Lee Holmes. Immediately though, the change is marked as Holmes cuts in onto his right foot and curls a shot wide. The crowd all went ‘Oooooooooh’ but in fact it was about 6 yards off target. Dickson is also flying down the wing at every opportunity and we look miles better.

With Holmes now taking over the set pieces, we suddenly looked much more dangerous with Hammond going close with a header but the main thing was that the ball was being delivered into the right area, close to the keeper but not too close and difficult to defend against. A goal was beginning to look like it might be coming but then we had a brown pants moment as suddenly, Colchester sub Odejayi was clean through. Luckily he delayed just enough to allow Butterfield and Fonte to make it back before poking the ball to Vincent who only half hit it allowing Superkelv to smother it. Thank fuck for that.

As the clock ticked 90 and 4 extra minutes were displayed, Saints were on the attack and Colchester had retreated so far they were nearly down by the Docks. Barnard was chopped down on the edge of the box and we had a free-kick, 25 yards out, just left of centre. The referee walked the wall back a good 7 yards at the most and up stepped Sir Rickie to arch one towards the bottom corner which the keeper clawed away at fullo stretch. Bastard. Two minutes alter and another foul in the same place and an identical action replay, only this time it was an even better save. Double bastard.

As soon as the keeper saved the second free-kick, the final whistle blew and the reaction of the crowd was a kind of disappointed appreciation. We had kept going for the full 90 and you could see the green shoots of recovery but I would rather we’d been utter bollocks for 90 minutes and won 1-0. Yes the team had put in a decent send half show but the end result was 450 minutes now, without a goal.

There was one unexpected positive out of today which was the performance of Lee Holmes who up til now, I have only thought was a complete waste of oxygen. Nice bloke I’m sure, loves his Mum I’m sure, effective as a footballer… nope. Today though, he looked decent and put over some set pieces that were 1000% better than the abysmal ‘hit the first man’ shit served up by Schneiderlin and particularly by Puncheon. I would not be at all surprised to see Puncheon on the bench for the next match as Holmes did more in 15 minutes than Puncheon did in 75 so maybe he deserves a go and lets face it, Puncheon deserves to be dropped. Ryan Dickson also made a decent impact when he came on for the disappointing Harding who could also find himself doing a bit of bench duty for a while. I feel that Harding will be slightly stronger defensively but it’s going forward where we’re struggling so get Dickson in there, especially in home games.

Other negatives were Dan Seaborne who is just not very good but he did prove that Aaron Martin should definitely be in the side when fit. Our central midfield got a pasting from the quicker and lighter little shits that Colchester had in there. I thought Hammond was desperately poor – I’m nearly 42 and I reckon I could turn faster and make my mind up on the pitch quicker than he can. He looks so stiff, like he needs two hip replacements or something. As for Schneiderlin – same as ever really with some nice touches and the occasional burst forward mixed in with some over-ambitious passes which ended up as Rugby style kicks for position. It’s all very well twisting and turning and pinging a decent looking pass over the full back – but if it’s 40 yards in front of the winger then I’m sorry, but it’s crap. The central midfield is an area that really, really, really needs to be addressed somehow. Am I repeating myself here – I think I am.

Assuming we don’t bring anyone in on loan before next Saturday, I think we’ll see a few changes for what will be a very difficult game next week at Hillsborough. I think we’ve improved over the last two games under Nigel Adkins but very very slightly and not enough to actually put the round thing in the oblong thing with a net on it. Maybe next week….

League 1 Match 6 - MK Dons 2 Southampton 0

Classic Single Ahoy !!!

Time for the postponed game against the Fake Dons and it’s a lot more interesting than it otherwise would have been. For starters, we would have been very confident of winning this game as we beat them four times last year – however, that was before we were shit with Caretaker Manager syndrome. Also of course, we now have a new manager and predictably, it’s Nigel Adkins who has joined us from that well known swear filter busting team, Scuntfuckwank. Welcome to the Saints, Nigel and I hope you’re still the manager in three years time as this will mean we have gone up at least one division. Adkins seems to be well qualified for the job and should fit in well with the ‘different’ structure we have in place at SFC. Time will tell of course but some things will never change – no results and he’ll get fired. It’s not so easy to judge the Head of Youth Development who is on the same level in the hierarchy.... ho hum, a debate for another day methinks.

The quest for a new manager has been interesting and was ended with the appointment of Adkins and a statement to say that he was the only person offered the job – in direct contradiction to what was stated by Dick Mitchell (don’t know his first name), the Bournemouth Chairman who seems to want to stir up a big rivalry between Bournemouth and ourselves. Eddie turned the job down because we’re better than them Scummers, he might have said. There is always the chance of course, that Saints are bluffing to try and make Adkins feel that he was the number 1 target all along but if I had to choose between Cortese and Mitchell to believe - I’d choose the man who would leave a horses head in my bed if I didn’t.

Back to the game at the Fake Dons acted with great class to allow us to postpone the game when Markus Liebherr passed away and they and their Chairman were thanked publicly by Don Nicola. That should be forgotten now and we should remember that they are a Franchise in a shit town and their manager is Karl Robinson who is the end of a bell. Also of course, stadium:mk (as it is pretentiously written with no capital letters) is touted as a potential World Cup venue in 2018 which even though I’ve known this for a year, is still something I find hard to comprehend.
After just a couple of training sessions, it would be too soon to expect Nigel to have read up on this blog and pick his team accordingly. If he asked me for advice and I was Making Plans for Nigel (sorry! – won’t use that again) I’d tell him to leave out Schneiderlin and Harding and play Dickson and Heather Mills, moving Puncheon into the centre. When I heard the team I realised that Nigel does not read this blog as Seaborne came in for the completely absent Martin and other than that, it was as you were. So, would we get ‘new manager bounce’ as they call it or more likely, not.

Saints started well and bossed possession for the first 20 minutes which brought a chance for Sir Rickie that was well saved by Martin in the Fake Dons goal. Proving that the new manager had made the players aware they had a clean slate – Schneiderlin found himself far forward enough to make a difference and fired a volley narrowly over. It’s going well and we’re looking dangerous and certainly the team most likely to score. That’s all very well but the fact remained that we hadn’t yet. The rest of the half became more even and the Fakes tested Davis a couple of times and really should have taken the lead when Doumbe had a free header when given the freedom of our penalty area and totally butchered it.

Half time and promising but... we still hadn’t scored. 315 minutes and counting.
I’m in a Dave Merrington wonderland for the 2nd half anf until the hour mark we’re still doing ok. Things seem to go slightly amiss around this time and Dave is left wondering how dan Seaborne has got away with a spot of wrestling in our box that on another day would have resulted in a penalty. Recongnizing that things are gradually getting worse, Nigel makes his first substitution as SFC manager and it’s to take Connolly off and put on Heather Mills, a player he had on loan for a season up at Scuntfuckwank. Initially I’m thinking ‘defender for a striker.... boooo’ but it turns out that Chamberlain is being pushed up front to try and inject some pace.
Sadly though, we hear nothing of Mills and Chamberlain before that all too familiar ... he shoots.... goal. Nice build up, nice through ball, nice finish, 1-0 to the Fake Dons and that familiar fan feeling of knowing we aren’t going to do a thing about it. There are 20 minutes to go but as they drift by, it’s obvious that Saints are spent. There is no mention being made of Lambert or Schneiderlin or Puncheon and it’s just Fonte and Davis.

90 minutes are up and we replace Chamberlain with Lee Holmes. I’ll forgive Nigel this one as he can’t possibly know yet that Holmes is a complete waste of space and it won’t matter anyway because having played 3 minutes, he’ll now be injured for a couple of months. Anyhow, another goal as Davis parries the initial shot and Leven follows it in whilst the defence does that usual ‘not reacting’ thing they have perfected recently.

We have a late attack and force a corner and Puncheon jogs over to take it and everyone goes forward – just in time for him to kick it straight out of play – wanker. Thus endeth 4 defeats in a row and no goals in 360 minutes of football.

Following on from Dean Wilkins saying it in the week, Uncle Dave is saying we have no options on the bench anymore whereas last year we had Waigo, Antonio and one of Connolly or Barnard. This is following on from me saying it after the first game of the season. We were also lucky last year that Lambert stayed fit all season and didn’t have a lean spell like he’s having now. Also of course, Adam Lallana was fit all season. The basic problem though is that players are playing worse than they were last year. I’d say that Fonte, Jaidi, Harding, Puncheon, Lambert, Connolly and Davis are all below last seasons levels. Hammond and Schneiderlin are the same as last year but they really needed to improve and the only real improvements have been Lee Barnard (suspension completed today) and Danny Butterfield who is an improvement on the ‘who is right back this week’ scenario we had going on last year. It’s ironic really that we wouldn’t have even signed Butterfield if Frazer Richardson hadn’t got injured straight away. Our other signings, Dickson and do Prado have yet to be given a chance and I think they would both make a positive difference.

We also seem to start games well and then run out of steam which is obviously a fitness issue which ties in with some rumoured Cortese comments about pre-season. As for Nigel Adkins – well he says he’s learned a lot from the game and he’s keeping it to himself. Hopefully on Saturday at home to Colchester, we’ll be able to see what he’s been keeping to himself and that he’s fixed it. A footnote to today’s game is that Karl Robinson wasn’t a bell end and was very respectful of SFC. Fair play to him for realising that you can’t be a total gobshite when you’re the main man rather than the Assistant.

League 1 Match 5 - Swindon 1 Southampton 0

"Roberto, what's it like working at a club that changes manager every 6 months ?"

What a week. After the last two matches with had much in common, namely ‘Southampton 0’ being at the start of both results, we had a week of ‘New Manager Bingo’ which of course brought the usual lies, guesswork, rumour as fact, crap written about Cortese bollocks from the press and the usual over-reaction, jumping to conclusions, guesswork, slagging of Cortese of our supporters. In amongst it all was Southampton Football Club saying ‘nothing to see here’. In summary, Nigel Adkins of Scunthorpe is the man in the frame and he’ll get the job if the clubs agree the compensation figure. End of. Anything else is irrelevant.

The big disappointment for me was that it wasn’t sorted before today’s trip to Swindon, a team we always lose against. In my mind, this meant that we were much more likely to lose today and consequently, I had zero expectation from this game. Our team was the same as against Rochdale with the midfield lining up in a diamond formation with Hammond at the back, Chamberlain and The Invisible Man wide-ish and Puncheon bringing his end-product-free brand of playmaking to the hole behind the front two.

Spoiler alert – if you don’t want to know the result, look away now….. ok, ready…

We were shit and we lost again.

For those of you still with me, Saints won a few corners inside the first few minutes and from one of them, swung in Puncheon and missing the first defender for a change, Aaron Martin thumped a header against the bar. It was quite a boring game with not a lot of goalmouth incident until 20 minutes when Superkelv blocked an Austin effort. He didn’t block Pericard’s header on 25 which sailed into the net but thankfully he didn’t have to as the offside flag did it for him. The rest of the first half was quite frankly dull but at least we weren’t losing yet. Half time, 0-0.

The second half started with that rarest of things, a Saints shot as Harding summoned up a kind of 9-iron chip volley effort that bounced off the bar, though in truth, it was never giong in and no one was going to get on the end of it. Swindon took the lead and won the game on the hour mark as Charlie Austin again, swept home a lose ball again, whilst all our defenders watched as the ball bounced back into play off the bar. Mind you, Fonte was about to clear it when he was thumped in the back but 'League 1 Ref' decided not to give it. Oh for fucks sake.

Post goal, Saints produced next to nothing with the only real incidents being Kelvin Davis clattering into Austin and forcing him off injured and a Wottonesque “the ball has gone, one, two, three, four…. Lunge” tackle from Dean Hammond which on another day, would have brought a red card. There were some ‘more of the same’ substitutions from Wilkins with then man who Wilkins had chosen to play in the hole and spark the attack, being replaced with Guly do Prado (who must be wondering what the fuck he’s done coming here – I’m a Serie A player – Get Me Outta Here) and then Chamberlain being replaced with the great attacking game changer, Heather Mills. Again, this weeks attacking bench warmer, Ryan Doble, didn’t get on even though we had a sub left to make and needed a goal. It’s shite really, no other word for it.

What a surprise, we played Swindon and we lost. What a surprise, we had most of the possession and most of the shots and we lost. What a surprise, we had a caretaker manager and we lost. I’d love to know the stats of what our record is down the years when we’ve had a caretaker manager. I mean, it happens so fucking often for us that you’d think we’d have some sort of plan in place just in case. I can’t be arsed to look it up but Wilkins is Played 3, Lost 3, scored none, conceded 6. Dodd and Gorman were bloody terrible and Wise and Bassett weren’t all that either. Then we have Gray and Wigley who were both shocking as caretaker managers and used that as a springboard to get the job full time… when unsurprisingly, they were terrible. Well at least there’s no chance of the caretaker becoming permanent this time with Dean Wilkins.

Today was the most predictable of defeats and the most predictable of goalscorers. As you may have gathered from the stetchiness of the match report, I couldn’t really keep in touch with the game today but I wasn’t bothered as I pretty much knew we’d lose. The season starts as soon as we get a new manager and we could really do with that being before our next game. We’re currently 8 points behind the leaders of the division – another game with a caretaker manager in charge and we’ll be back to where this blog all started – League 1 Minus 10….. or maybe 11.

League 1 Match 4 - Southampton 0 Rochdale 2

Purple - not good.

Rochdale at home and surely a golden chance to put the JPT fiasco behind us and get three points. No one would give a toss about the JPT if we won this one and Dean Wilkins responded to one of the few good things to come out of that game and picked Alex Chamberlain from the start. He started on the right with Puncheon on the left. In my mind anyway, this meant we’d be more direct and Puncheon would be getting the ball across quicker and not cutting inside every single time he gets it. Aaron Martin was recalled in place of Jaidi and the same announcement was made as before every home game that today, we had special permission to use the multi-ball system which means that Dan Harding can shout and make faces at the ball boys all game.

Rochdale were playing in purple which is a really wanky colour to have a football strip in. I’m sure that they fly off the shelves in the club shop. It was an uneventful start to the game with any Saints life coming through Chamberlain and Puncheon. It took 20 minutes for anyone to have a shot when a Sir Rickie knock down fell to David Connolly who took time off from repeatedly falling over and giving the ball away, to smash a shot wide of the post. Rochdale responded with a long range effort from Jones which produced a nice ‘one for the cameras’ from Kelvin Davis as he comfortably palmed it away.

For me it was already worrying as Rochdale were getting 10 behind the ball when they lost it and Saints were predictably clueless yet again, in how to break it down. The answer is to attack with pace but what we do nearly all the time is go sideways and backwards until usually one of Harding or Butterfield are forced to toss it into the mixer, somewhere near the non-jumping Sir Rickie. It’s predictable and predictably fruitless.

In my opinion, we have found a good player in Aaron Martin who is looking more assured every time he plays. He wants the ball and is happy to distribute it but his main aim is to defend at all costs and I’ve never seen a clearance draw gasps from the crowd but his 80 yard effort will take some beating. If you are going to put your foot through it, you may as well do it properly.

Sir Rickie did pick out Punch with a decent cross field ball and Punch cut inside onto his weaker foot before forcing a save from the Rochdale keeper. This is one kind of Puncheon effort - A reasonably well hit effort but any keeper would have saved it to be fair. We had two more examples of classic Puncheon shooting in the next 10 minutes as he twice worked himself into shooting positions before lashing it into the top corner…. of the Northam Stand, twice.

No doubt that Saints were doing the vast majority of the pressing but then, so we should be. Rochdale broke out and Jones found himself with the ball, about 25 yards from his own goal but with eight Saints players in front of the ball. He motored though the gaping hole where one of Schneiderlin and Hammond should have been and got to the edge of our box unchallenged before slipping a pass to O’Grady who fired under Davis (who seemed to dive the wrong way) before Martin could make the block.

Worryingly, Martin needed lengthy treatment afterwards and it looked like one of those ‘three months out’ jobs but he soldiered on the remaining 30 seconds and at least managed to walk off of the pitch. Half time, one nil down to fucking Rochdale, boooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

It was noticeable that do Prado was not warming up at half time with the other six subs so I was assuming that he’d be on at the start of the second and I was of course, hoping it would be Schneiderlin going off. We’re 1-0 down and we need a goal – Schneiderlin never scores and he never provides an assist either so no real point in him being there but he extent of the tactical tinkering at half time was to put Chamberlain and Puncheon onto the wrong wings. I didn’t hear the whistle to start the second half above the noise in my head being caused by grinding my teeth together.

I stop my teeth grinding as Hammond fires in a rocket which hits some poor bugger on the head and his legs kind of buckle like a boxers do when they’ve been caught flush on the chin. Chamberlain fired over from about 30 yards when he should really have carried the ball on but he was committing defenders and making things happen. Connolly was falling over and being a Rochdale's best defender and Sir Rickie was wandering about like drunk bloke on a dancefloor.

Both of the latter woke up to produce Saints best move of the match and Rochdale stood and watched as Sir Rickie and Connolly combined brilliantly to give Puncheon a shooting chance from three yards which he smashed into the top corner…. of The Chapel Stand. It really was unbelievably bad and any confidence I had of there being a Saints goal just disappeared. The build up for that chance aside, Connolly was continuing his shocker of a match and it was no surprise when his number went up on the hour with do Prado replacing him. When you think about it though – we’re 1-0 down and we are replacing a forward with a midfield player. Fonte then caught the long-range shooting bug and had a go, deflection, roof of the net.

As is natural with all this Saints pressure, it was soon 2-0 to Rochdale as Fonte was outmuscled by O’Grady before having a chance to clear and being too slow. The ball was played back to Jones who smashed in a brilliant strike to give Davis not an earthly. Dean Wilkins response to going 2-0 down was to take off an attacking winger and bring on a left back as Heather Mills replaced Chamberlain. The massed ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!’ from the SMS faithful, surely told the manager what everyone thought of that decision. Heather was kind of on the left wing, Punch was too, Schneiderlin was kind of on the right and Guly was kind of up front but not really. In short – no one seemed to have a clue where they were supposed to be aside from the keeper, defence and Sir Rickie.

We had a chance to pull one back with five minutes to go as do Prado played a superb first time pass into the path of Dan the Moaning Man but he skewed his left footed effort woefully across the goal and it was easily cleared. And so we finshed the game with Rochdale playing possession football and their crowd giving us the ‘Ole Ole Ole’ treatment. Fantastic – can I go home now ? Final whistle – now I can go. Crap.

Three home games in the league and one point. Three teams that have all defended deep and with numbers. We have scored one goal with a deflected free kick so what does this tell us ? It’s simple – no pace in the side to open up teams and a tempo that is too slow. So, we end up lumping it forward to a centre forward who is not fit and then we get frustrated and over commit and get done on the break.

We really missed Lallana and Barnard today but we really should be beating Rochdale at home regardless. I gave up a bit on Puncheon today and finally accepted that he’s actually not very good. He’s a trier who gets himself into good positions and always wants the ball but when it comes to a final ball or a shot then forget it. Alex Chamberlain will be good given time and Guly do Prado had some nice touches but we have to brave enough to play him in the centre of midfield and leave out the French (Lack Of) Resistance who is rapidly becoming one of the most ineffective players I’ve ever seen. So much ability, so little product.

If Dean Wilkins is auditioning for the managers job then he’s out of the interview room with Cortese’s teeth marks in his arse after today. The first substitution was questionable and the second was diabolical. In evidence m’lud, I also give you the generally cluelessness in the last half and hour and the fact that we had another striker on the bench in Tony Garrod – why not throw him on for the last 10 minutes. Bottom line is that for all our play, Rochdale deserved to win as they carried more threat.

I know of course that we started last season on -10 and technically, we were lower than we are now but losing 2-0 at home to Rochdale? I understand that this is a bit harsh towards our opponents and I have say that I thought they looked a decent outfit who will survive comfortably if they play like that. Jones in midfield was superb and O’Grady up front gave Fonte a really tough game. I don’t care about them though, I care about the Saints and one week after winning 4-0 away from home - we’re a fucking disaster. We’ve lost two home games in a row, scored none, conceded five and still those interviewed say, ‘The Manager leaving hasn’t affected us…..’. Bollocks.

JPT Southern Section Round 1 - Southampton 0 Swindon 3

Pericard volleys in the first (excellent stuff from the Swindon Advertiser)

The day after the morning before and how would Saints react to having no manager. There had been a statement from the clubs PR department regarding us being fully focussed on retaining our trophy, that trophy being the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy, won by Alan Pardew. A day of bewilderment and daydreaming on my part, had been punctuated by an email from a Pompey supporting mate of mine – it simply said “Paul Hart – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....” followed by another 2 pages of “ha”. I saw the rumour in the middle of all the deadline day panic buys and remembered that last time, we were linked with Tony Adams so there is obviously a Skate somewhere, on a wind up.

This JPT game was a big game for me as I was bringing my (just turned) 6 year old son to his first competitive game meaning it would be the first time he heard me use some new words. He’d only previously been to the Ajax friendly so I was in ‘friendly language’ mode. My two daughters were also present so it was a bit of family day. As i’d refused to pay the £10.50 to park near SMS, we got the bus from Woolston and that cost nearly £4 for the four of us. As we got to the ground, daughter 1 had her bag searched for “pictures of Alan Pardew” as the steward put it. A jovial start to the evening.

To the teams and Saints had changed a few from the 4-0 hammering of Bristol Rovers. Jaidi was back to give Martin a break in defence and Guly do Prado replaced Lallana in midfield. Up front, Barnard was left out to give Connolly a game. Swindon seemed to have a team of youngsters out there but had Charlie Austin and Vincent Pericard up front for them – the former having given us a hard time last year and the latter being an ex-Saint, ex-Skate and a handful when he can be bothered.

Kick off and ‘ALAN PARDEW’S RED AND WHITE ARMY’ is blasting out of the Northam. Guly do Prado had lined up on the left in a straight swap for Lallana which was my first disappointment of the evening as he’s totally right footed and he looked completely lost, not touching the ball for the first 10 minutes. The first player who stood out was Puncheon who twisted and turned into a shooting position before firing just past the near post. Also showing up well was Deano who was giving it some hammer in the centre of the park, flying into challenges like a man who was on the verge of taking someone out... and then there was the main in the blue who was shite and generally not giving any free kicks for anything as he simply didn’t understand what a foul is. Deano went up for a header, won it and then got nutted by the Swindon player competing. Not a bad foul but a foul to anyone watching. Play on. He eventually stops it when he realises that Hammond hasn’t got up and that he needs the trainer on ... and that he has blood dripping down his shirt from his head... and he has to change his shirt... and he has to put on of those daft turban things on that makes him look like a Teletubby.

The Northam End were doing their best to get my kids acquainted with football humour at its best. I was dreading having to explain how someone would stick Paul Hart up their arse. My son was still in World Cup mode and thought that Lambert was in fact, Lampard. I pointed out that Sir Rickie was our main goalscorer and that David Connolly was the one falling over a lot and gifting the ball back to the opposition. I was going to point out our marauding Frenchman but I couldn’t find him because he was wearing that cloak that makes him invisible. The he appeared a hit a fantastic 50 yard pass out to Puncheon on the right wing, a feat he tried to repeat twice more in succession, getting one right and one wrong. Hollywood balls are fine if they work but I’d rather he got involved in the game more often and actually use the ability he has in areas that might hurt the opposition. Ah yes, the opposition...

Harding played the ball up to Guly on the left and he tried to flick it inside the defender and lost the ball from where Swindon worked it out to Austin on the right who left Jaidi for dead and brilliantly hooked over a cross which was spectacularly volleyed home by Vincent bloody Pericard. Superb goal it has to be said and I actually clapped an opposition goal which doesn’t happen often.

Saints have gone a bit wobbly and are struggling to cope at the back. Fonte is having a tough time with the awkward Pericard and Jaidi is just having a mare, like he’s driving a car with four flat tyres. Surely Fonte should be on the quicker Austin and Jaidi on the big lump or that being too obvious. It’s not too bad a performance overall and a nice bit of skill on the left by Do Prado, results in Hardig scufffing a right footed shot straight at the keeper. Half time, 1-0 down.

The second half starts with a big blaze of nothing much and I’m getting the feeling pretty soon that we’re not going to score. Sure enough it’s Swindon who go 2-0 up as a cross is swung in from the left and Austin loses Fonte to score from close in. It’s a diabolical goal to concede as we all stood and watched.

The first change is made on the hour mark when Alex Chamberlain comes on for Puncheon. Now I thought that he had to get a note from his teacher to play an evening game on a school night but here he is and what a difference he makes, running with pace and commitment and challenging defenders to make tackles. This is in direct contrast to what Sir Rickie is doing. He looks like he’s running through treacle to be honest. He can’t run and he can’t get off the ground when he jumps whilst up the other end, Pericard is being a right pain in the arse and not giving Fonte or Jaidi a moments peace.

With just over 20 minutes to go, Dean Wilkins brings on Barnard and Dickson for Butterfield and do Prado. These were two good players to bring on but why not put Guly in his correct position and take the bloody Invisible Schneiderlin off. My kids are getting bored now and who can blame them. When it’s in your blood then you think nothing of sitting through a shit game when you have no chance of turning it round but for them, it was getting tough.

Lee Barnard was running about like a madman, showing a level of commitment that put most of the Saints players to shame when he launched into a bit of a lunging tackle which provoked a few Swindon players into getting involved. The ref, who had carried on being a wanker for the whole match, was only ever going to react one way when he saw the reaction of the Swindon players and Barnard was sent off. The fact that he seemed to show yellow and then a straight red just adds to the farce... apparently his cards were stuck together – idiot.

Because I’m a heartless bastard, I made my kids hang on to 85 minutes before we left. The sweets had all gone and so had everyone’s spirit. We headed towards the Itchen Bridge along with lots of disgruntled fans who were swearing lots. Usually I don’t notice it and I’m probably one of the worst offenders. We heard a cheer from SMS and I wondered for a second but someone on a mobile said ‘it’s three fucking nil now’. I now know that it was Pericard again.

So – so much for the JPT – out in the first round when defending ‘our’ trophy. I wonder when we have to give it back as I don’t remember seeing a squad photo this season which of course, would have had the trophy in it. It’d be a bit embarrassing to have one taken now bearing in mind we’ve already been knocked out and the manager who was in charge when we won it is currently doing a spot of gardening leave. On the radio I heard the interview with Caretaker manager Dean Wilkins who sounds like a decent bloke but he’s wrong when he said we played well-ish and he’s wrong when he said the upheaval didn’t affect the players. It did and we were shit though I have to say, Swindon were deserving winners and that’s now three times in a row that they’ve beaten us so fair play. Austin and Pericard were too much for our defence and Pericard is exactly the sort of player we should have signed as a backup for Sir Rickie. Mind you – on today’s performance, who would have been the back up.

A really bad day at the office with the knock on that Lee Barnard will be suspended for three games and he’s been our best player this season. We’re also hearing that Adam Lallana is unlikely to be fit for a while and seems to be heading for a knee operation. Oh yeah... and we haven’t got a manager but what we do have is the piss take form fans oof other clubs as numerous failures tout themselves for the job. Phil Brown – good at karaoke and public humiliations, not so good at managing football clubs. Mind you – he’d be better than Paul Hart, stuck up your arse or otherwise.