League 1 Match 44 - Southampton 3 Carlisle 2

Jason Price brings the house down

‘Believe’

So said the scoreboard as I took my place at SMS, in front of the Chuckle Brothers, behind the guy who knew too much about Tapeworms and inbetween my Dad and the bloke who is about 100. Believe in what? Believe that a combination of results was going to occur where if you had accumulator on that combination, you could bet a tenner and then retire to Barbados. Would Huddersfield really not get the two points required to condemn us to another season in League 1? They are away at Stockport who have already been relegated and subsequently, don’t give a shit and we are at home to Carlisle who of course, we last saw in the JPT Final.

Pards made a couple of changes from the Oldham bore-fest with Barnard and Wotton being omitted and Papa Waigo and Antonio starting on the left and right wings espectively. This meant Punch was in the middle of midfield with Capn Hammond and Lallana was playing off Sir Rickie. It the words of The Ramones, hey ho, lets go.

How do I describe the first 40 minutes of the first half? I could explain in detail every incident but that wouldn’t take long so instead, I shall generalise. It was shite, real shite, It starts at the back and Kelvin has the ball, he looks to throw it to the full backs who aren’t watching so he belts it forward, usually straight to the opposition goalkeeper. If the full backs are watching then he’s so surprised that he boots it long anyway. He’ll sometimes take a chance on Harding but not on Otsemobor and who can blame him for that. On one occasion he rolled it out to Zenedine Seaborne and guess what he did with it.

I was interested to see how the midfield shaped up with Punch and Deano in the centre but all they did was watch the ball travel backwards and forwards over their head. On the rare occasion that we did get the ball down, Papa Waigo and Antonio were looking dangerous but Papa had that ‘right footer on the left’ thing going on so more often than not, lost the opportunity to cross the ball when he doubled back. Sir Rickie as winning a lot of ball against the Carlisle central defenders, most notably against Ian Harte who seems to have added ‘jumping’ to his list of things he can’t do alongside ‘running’ and ‘turning’. Most of the balls up to Sir Rickie had snow on them and we were creating very very little.

On 40 minutes it all changed and the ball found itself on the grass for a while with Waigo, Antonio and Punch to the fore. Waigo set up Lallana whose low shot from 15 yards was well saved down low by our mate Collin in the Carlisle goal. Again it was another typical Adam effort where you know it would have been a goal if he’d put his bloody foot through it.

Five minutes later and Waigo got down the left hand side and got a cross in which went over the first wave of attackers running in but was met by Antonio who sent a right foot volley back across the keeper and into the net. Lovely finish, nice dance, 1-0.

‘There will be a minimum of one minute to be added’ said the tannoy as Carlisle restarted and it’s amazing what can happen in a minute as a cross came into our box and Seaborne executed a kind of wrestling throw on the centre forward and the referees whistle sounded the death knell. Free kick on the edge. What? It looked a good three yards inside the box from where I was. No matter though as Ian Harte clipped it over the wall and into the net whilst Kelvin watched, feet planted. I was annoyed because we didn’t have a bloke on that post. Hammond was on the other one but he was always going to curl it as it as too close to smash it. Maybe I’m being harsh but I think we made it easy for him. Half time, 1-1

Next to the Chuckle Brothers were two blokes who I never usually notice. Perhaps it was because of the lack of anything resembling entertainment in the first 40 minutes but I did today and the reason is that they chatted for 40 minutes about everything apart from the game. One owns his own cattery and currently has 28 cats in there. That’s interesting isn’t it… no it fucking isn’t. Are the half times from around the country interesting? Stockport 0 Huddersfield 2, ah well, season over.

Saints came out meaning business at the start of the second half and the scoreboards are no longer displaying the ‘Believe’ message. Antonio finds himself out on the left and beats two players before pinging a superb cross to the back stick where Sir Rickie steams in and sidefoots a volley past Collin at his near post for 2-1 to the mighty Saints.

Five minutes of Saints pressure went by before Sir Rickie battled away to tee up Antonio who took his time before lashing in a low finish for 3-1. Carlisle’s defending was shockingly bad and the goals were so easy with no pressure being put on any of the attackers even when they were in the penalty area. It looked at this stage that it could be any score we liked at the end.

Carlisle responded to things taking a turn for the worse by opting for comic relief. They took off a normal looking player and replaced him with a clown with a stupid wig on. The clown charged about and bumped into Fonte and fell over before getting up and moaning at the ref. Oh how we laughed at the slapstick. Very good of the Carlisle manager to cheer us up like that and very easy for the Northam End with ‘what the fuck is on your head’ raining down from the terraces (well, seats – you know what I mean). Pards made a sub for us with Calum McNish making his debut in place of Michail Antonio who must have now done enough to convince everyone that he’s worth signing. McNish went into central midfield with Punch moving to the right.

Saints butchered a couple of chances with a bad final ball before Fonte tried a spectacular long range lob which looked like it was in all the way until the keeper clawed it away. Sadly, it was back towards our own goal and so Carlisle were awarded a free-kick, three yards out and Kelvin got booked. The non-running, non-jumping one had gone off so another Carlisle player lashed it into the wall on the goal line before a 2nd player smashed the rebound over. Papa Waigo celebrated the miss like Senegal had just won the World Cup. He's a nutter.

David Connolly and Lee Barnard came on for Sir Rickie and Punch and combined to give Barnard a chance which he should have passed but instead stabbed wide. As the game petered out Carlisle scored to make the scoreline totally flattering for them when Seaborne and Davis didn’t sort things out and Madine squirted in a shot off the near post which I’m pretty sure was travelling away from the goal when it hit Fonte and dribbled in. After his effort earlier, Jose deserves a goal. Full time, Saints 3 Carlisle 2.

I haven’t really done justice to Saints domination of the second half and with a bit more care we could have easily scored six. Carlisle were pretty poor, probably worse than they’d been at Wembley but fair play to them, at least they tried to play and the second half at least, was entertaining to watch. Michail Antonio was the stand out player for Saints and apparently we are already talking to Reading about a transfer. He’s out of contract there in the summer and whilst we’ll have to pay a bit due to him being under 24 (to compensate for his development costs), it shouldn’t be too much as Reading didn’t really develop him, merely signed him from non-League Yeading. He makes things happen and he’s only going to get better. I do wonder why he runs with his head right back and it does look like it’s going to fall off his shoulders at times but I’ll forgive him that and hopefully, he’ll be the first new signing of the summer. It’s always nice to see an Academy kid get on the pitch though McNish didn’t pull up any trees when he came on but the good news is that there were no big gusts of wind to blow him over. He does look like he needs to fill out a bit if he wants to play in central midfield.

As for the accumulator and Barbados retirement… Stockport 0 Huddersfield 6. Close one then as Stockport went down fighting. Wankers. To be honest, it was always very unlikely this season and today anyway, we won again, the sun is shining and I’m off down the bookies to get a bet on us winning this division next year.

League 1 Match 43 - Southampton 0 Oldham 0

Catchphrase: Say what you see.. Wanker in the Black... Riiiiiiiiight

Oldham rocked up at the SMS Shit or Bust Last Chance Saloon. For us it was a chance to get to within 5 points of Huddersfield with three games remaining. Anything less than a win and our playoff chances were that stuff that comes out of a toaster, that’s right, crumbs. When we played Oldham away I recalled Roger Milford refereeing performances and irritating players that they had. At the time they were the equivalent of today’s Hull, Wigan or Burnley… an unfashionable Northern Club in the Premier League. If you were not being charitable you could describe them all as shit Northern club with few fans who add absolutely nothing to the league they are in. That would be harsh though.

Schneiderlin’s suspension meant there was a space in central midfield and this was filled by Paul Wotton. Michail Antonio dropped to the bench to make way for the return of a second striker in Lee Barnard. Lloyd James was on the bench where there was no place for the Jaidi shaped man mountain.

The game starts and Oldham are playing that formation we all love, you know the one with the centre forward totally isolated about 40 yards from any other player. This made for a cagey opening with the first goalmouth action coming following the award of a free kick for a foul on Barnard. Sir Rickie beat the wall but the keeper made a decent low save with the rebound narrowly avoiding the players following in.

We are 12 minutes into the game and stumpy little short arse goalkeeper and ex-Saints ‘never made it’ Daryl Flahavan goes to take a goal kick. He retrieves a ball from a ball boy to the right of the goal, walks over to the left, changes his mind and walks back to the right, puts it down, backs away, pauses for a bit, takes one pace of his run up, stops, takes a step back, starts his run up again and kicks it. Well done you stumpy bastard. Three minutes later – same ritual again. Hammond, Puncheon and Wotton are all on a the ref but he does nothing. Here’s what to do if you’re ever refereeing. The first time a keeper obviously wastes time, tell him to cut that shit out and get on with it. The second time you book him – no pissing about and that’s the end of the issue. It’s so easy so why does no referee do this?

The game stuttered along to the half hour mark before the crowd got excited and loud when Saints were awarded a free kick on the edge of our own penalty area. This was a well received event because it was the first thing we had been given by the useless fuck with the whistle since the free kick on 9 minutes. In amongst the referring masterclass unfolding before our eyes, we manage an effort by Hammond which loops up and is clawed away by Stumpy. It’s already feeling like one of those days.

Oldham have retreated back so far they are nearly back in Lancashire and the ball seems to be attached to Dan Seaborne. He obviously doesn’t like this state of affairs and see it as his mission to welly it as far as possible in the general direction of Sir Rickie. Seaborne has about 30 yards of space to walk into but he must have the voice of Peter Kay in his ear, ‘HAVE IT!!!’. That advert was funny but this isn’t – take it forward, draw them out, then pass it FFS.

Dan Harding had our last chance before half time when Lallana set him up and he lashed a snap shot into the empty seats behind the goal where the Oldham fans could have been if they had any. Harding was involved again when right on half time the Oldham right winger momentarily got away from him but as Dan got back to him he threw himself to the floor and Harding got a booking. Another brilliant bit of refereeing. Half time and rubbish.

Pards decided to change things at the start of the second half only he didn’t really with James coming on for Wotton in a straight swap. Unless he’s injured then I don’t see the point in that one myself as it means that one of Waigo, Connolly and Antonio isn’t going to get on. The ball was worked back to Lloyd from the kick off and he banged it up the wing and out for a throw to Oldham, illustrating immediately why he was brought on.

We went close soon after with Barnard having a shot saved but the referee did for us again when an Oldham centre back quite clearly handballed as he jumped with Sir Rickie. Penalty all day and nothing given. More Oldham time wasting an indulgence from the referee was interrupted by a Sir Rickie header which again, was saved by the vertically challenged custodian of the nets. At this point I (rather negatively I thought) decided that we weren’t going to score today

The ref then finally did something about all the time wasting. Oldham made a sub on the hour mark and the player going off took an age to get off the pitch. The ref ran after him and booked him just as he was stepping off the pitch. The net result of this booking was therefore nothing at all. The player booked was not going to be inconvenienced at all and it wasn’t going to make the other 11 get on with it.

Papa Waigo came on for Barnard and Saints went a bit gung ho, over committing players forward but without any quality delivery to make this tactic effective. Inevitably, Oldham actually got into our half and broke away and it took a bit of a spawny save from Superkelv to stop Oldham taking what would have been the most undeserved lead in history. Kelvin appeared to dive the wrong was and the ball kind of got stuck between his knees. Doesn’t matter how you keep them out I guess.

Would it be Connolly or Antonio as the final throw of the dice? In the end it was Connolly and to the surprise of no one, it was Lloyd James who came off to make it the second time that the sub has been subbed this season. This was a tactical substitution as we were chasing the game but I can’t imagine anyone was impressed with James’ performance which was a real 2 out of 10 effort and that’s being generous.

We get a corner and Seaborne’s header is smothered away by a combination of mini-keeper and defenders. Papa Waigo is looking our player most likely as the game enters the last 10 minutes. Punch and Lallana are trying hard and trying to play through the massed ranks of defenders but it’s just not working and so we need the full backs to be getting round the back, providing width and getting crosses in. Dan Harding is doing ok on the left but today is the day I finally made up my mind about Jon Otsemobor.

When a team is winning you tend to gloss over some of the players failings but when it doesn’t go according to plan and you want a player to actually do something to influence things, you notice that some can’t. Aside from the James-Wotton Dead Zone – the one who hit the depths for me today was Jon Otsemobor. He is wank (perhaps no the best adjective as it has an end product) and that’s all there is to it. When the surgeons removed the bullet from his arse they must have also removed his will to win. If there is a 50-50 to win – he’ll lose it. If there is a 60-40 in his favour to win – he’ll delay just long enough to not have to compete for the ball and lose it. All he has got is his pace – nothing else. Can’t tackle, can’t cross a ball, no brain, no guts. Useless, really useless and contract up in three more games and don’t let the door hit your ass.

The final flurry of activity in the Oldham penalty area peaks with a Sir Rickie header that is blocked by one of ten defenders in the way and a peach of a low cross from the same player which is not really attacked by anyone as it fizzes across the goal about four yards out and out for a goal kick.

Bugger it.

The referee managed to end the game without getting it wrong, which was a surprise. He was incredibly inept all game but in a strange way, the fact that our playoff hopes were now gone made the anger at him a bit less because I had something else to be annoyed about. Saints were faced with a team who were intent solely on defending and getting a 0-0 and a referee who was so bad that they could waste time, persistently foul, pull shirts and basically do whatever they wanted and get away with it. Saints however have got to be able to rise above this though and today, for whatever reason, it wasn’t going to happen. Oldham for their part defended very well in great numbers and worked incredibly hard and got what they came for. I reckon that and early goal would have seen us win 4-0 but it wasn’t to be. Morgan's stupid sending off bit us hard today as both Wotton and James were not what the doctor ordered (unless he ordered a plate of crap with a side order of bollocks) and though he's not the long term answer, Simon Gillett would have been a better bet today as he gets stuck in but occasionally you get a decent pass out of him, unlike the two that played today. I hope now that Huddersfield get 6th place with more than the 78 points we could have got before today.

Shit game, shit result, sod all chance or making the playoffs, shit everything. For me personally… I’ve got no job and I have a sinus cold which makes my head feel like it’s about to explode. Still, tomorrow the sun will be shining and my car will need all the volcanic ash clearing off of it, a task which I have all day to perform. To nearly all of you who went to SMS tonight, I hope you haven’t caught my cold as it’s not nice. If you are one of the Chuckle Brothers sitting behind me, however…

Next up, JPT Final revisited as it’s Carlisle at home….

League 1 Match 42 - Yeovil 0 Southampton 1

Yeovil Town at Huish Park was the latest of our must win do or die shit or bust matches that we’ve had ever since the Brighton draw which left us with no room for slip ups whatsoever. When they’s come to SMS, Yeovil had put up a decent show and we were on the lucky side with two ridiculous penalty decisions going our way. It was in fact our first win of the season and fortunately, we were considerably different to what we are now.

Yeovil themselves are not completely out of the woods regarding relegation but they should be ok. I hope they stay up but of course, we should beat them and I hope we do – heavily. The ritual of looking out for other teams results has already started this weekend with there being a Friday night fixture which saw Huddersfield beat a totally shocking Millwall side 1-0 in a match which saw a very poor side triumph over a piss poor one. They are both above us in the league and we really wanted Millwall to win that one. Never mind, we can only do our own job.

Pards named the save starting XI again with a truckload of strikers on the bench in Connolly, Barnard and Papa Waigo, balanced out by Perry, Wotton and the returning Radhi Jaidi, five hundred quid lighter in the pocket after losing a ‘Morgan won’t score as long as he has a hole in his ass’ bet.

As you’d expect, Saints flew at the start of the game and a Fonte header and shots from Sir Rickie, Lallana and Puncheon all caused a bit of anxiety to the Yeovil keeper. At the other end, Yeovil were an occasional threat with Superkelv being forced to save from Bowditch who looked lively.

On the half hour and following a break from Antonio, lallana found himself clean through but as he went to collect the pass, it bobbled up behind him forcing him to try the Rene Higuita Scorpion kick thing which inevitably meant that the chance was cleared even though he managed to get it towards the goal. Yeovil took over for the reminder of the half though with Bowditch firing wide when he should have scored and then Tomlin twice going close, once with a header that crept wide and once with a low shot which would have been a goal if he’d not been playing against Superkelv, who got down a pushed it round the post. Both of the chances for Tomlin had come via our right flank where Otsemobor was getting run ragged. Half time, 0-0

Not impressed with the lack of goal threat from his side, Pards threw on Barnard for Antonio at the start of the second half. The opening of the half was quiet but around the hour mark it all started getting interesting as first Sir Rickie fired over and then a Punch effort from a rebound was held by the keeper. Yeovil were still posing a threat, especially down our right hand side where at times, you did wonder if Otsemobor was playing.

Frustration was growing and following a Barnard booking for what can politely be described as a ‘forwards tackle’ (a shit one) it all seemed to be going a bit pear shaped before Morgan Schneiderlin had a good go at making sure it did when, having being shoved by a Yeovil player, decided that the best course of action was of course, to take a big hack at his leg. Prat – off you go. Saints initially went to a 4-3-2 formation with Lallana and Puncheon either side of Hammond but it really wasn’t giving us the platform we needed to try and get the all important goal. Saints had another scare a few minutes later as Fonte took out a forward as he burst through and on another day, he could have been sent off as well.

I had to run out of the room for a second here as my 5 year old had come in demanding a drink. When I returned all off 30 seconds later, the total moron who was on Solent with Diamond Dave said ‘… and Saints are desperately seeking the equalizer’. ‘Fuck’, I said in a voice which was loud enough for me to wonder who else heard me say it. Needless to say it was still 0-0 so cheers, clueless, faceless radio commentator bloke. Back to the game….

Usually in this situation a manager has to decide whether to stick or twist – go solid and make sure of the draw or go for it. The first option today was never an option at all so what did we do – go kamikaze Pards took off Otsemobor (who had been generally poor all game) and Hammond and brought on Connolly and Papa Waigo, the latter rather hysterically, going to right back. Bearing in mind he doesn’t speak any English and his interpreter was in the bath, I bet he didn’t have a fucking clue where he was supposed to be. Lambert dropped deeper so we had a back 3, Papa stationed randomly on the right, Sir Rickie, Punch and Adam in midfield but all pushing forward and Barnard and Connolly up front. Championship Manager comes to Huish Park.

Papa Waigo got to work out on the right and immediately found himself in a great crossing position from which to pick out one of five attackers streaming into the penalty area. Unfortunately, no one was in row 17 behind the goal which was where the cross landed. I wonder if Papa has ever met George Lawrence. Meanwhile, on Radio Solent they are eulogising over Yeovil and talking them up like they’re something fantastic. Again I wonder if I’ve missed three Yeovil goal or something but fear not. Back to the game…

After our bizarre substitutions, Yeovil did the same and pulled off their one striker (Bowditch) and brought on a midfielder which was bizarre as we had 10 men but anyway. 90, 91, 92 and it wasn’t happening despite Saints camping in the last third and winning a succession of corners. The ball found its way out to Papa Waigo again who fired it across and as is more likely to be the case if the cross stays on the pitch, someone (LEE BARNARD!!!!!) got their head on it and nodded it past keeper McCarthy and into the net. Saints went nuts, the fans went nuts, Dave Merrington and the other prat stopped the Yeovil love-fest thy were having on the radio and remembered who their audience was.

There was still time as there always is, for us to have a go at throwing it away and we managed to let the Yeovil centre back jink into our area and fire into the side netting but soon enough, the whistle had gone and we’d prolonged our season again. This team does not know when it is beaten and we play until the 95th minute which is such a pleasant change to the last 5 years when we typically played until about the hour mark and then packed it in. Credit for this much go to Pards, Dean Wilkins and Wally Downes who have obviously instilled this discipline and fitness into this bunch of players. We won with 10 men which is the first tme we've done that since.... the last time Schneiderlin got himself sent off at Milton Keynes in the JPT. If you were being harsh you could say that in some games, Morgan playing is ike playing with 10 but we're going to have to do without him now for 3 of the last 4 games. It'll be interesting to see whether Wotton comes in or whether Punch will switch to central midfield.

Pards’ post match interviews focussed on the Schneiderlin sending off which sounds like it was totally deserved and the shenanigans that went on between the two benches which culminated in Dean Wilkins getting sent to the stands for reacting to the Yeovil bench demanding our players got sent off etc. It’s bad enough when players are waving imaginary cards about (an offence which would being an instant booking if I was in charge) but when the dug outs are doing it then there really is no hope. Pards sounded like he thought Wilkins was totally justified and good on him.

We are still 8 points behind and our game in hand is this week at home to Oldham. Win that and we have 3 games to catch up 5 points on Huddersfield who have two tricky away games and a home game against Colchester (managed by Hoofroyd, still with playoff ambitions themselves). I said that if we beat Bristol Rovers and Yeovil that I'd start to believe. Well, given the wins and the manner of them, I'd say it's still a longshot but if you were to place a bet against us… would you be confident?

League 1 Match 41 - Bristol Rovers 1 Southampton 5

"Get me in Red and White, Now !!!"

In the time since our win on Saturday against Charlton, I have taken some stick for being stuck in a time warp and accidentally writing that Bristol Rovers play at Twerton Park still. I apologise for that, as it was a bit amateurish, mainly because today I’m really worried about that Rickie Lambert who plays for them, big lad, funny accent, scores goals for fun. He’s formed a dangerous partnership with Paul Randall and if they get it together, Eastville will be really rocking. I’m showing my age now. Quiz question – what to Paul Randall and Rickie Lambert have in common… answers at the end.

Of the six games we have left, this, on paper, is the most difficult. It’s one win apiece so far this season with the away team winning 3-2 both times. It was being billed in the local media as a bit of a playoff decider which of course, as is most of the local media, deep fried bollocks. The winners today would be rumbling on with an outside chance of making the playoffs but the losers would be playing meaningless pre-season friendlies from now until the end of the season.

Pards played the same team as started against Charlton with Jason Puncheon in the hole, behind Sir Rickie. Dan Seaborne kept his place despite being as dodgy as you like last week and the 7 subs were also unchanged.

Saints came flying out of the traps and Antonio was first to go close as Andersen in the Rovers goal kept him out. Sir Rickie was destined to score today and it was just a case of when but his first effort was a header from a Puncheon corner which flew over which was followed by another Punch cross which a defender tried to scoop into his own net, only to be spared a place on the next Danny Baker video by a decent save from his own keeper.

In what was possibly Rovers first visit to our penalty area, Kuffour flopped to the floor in the presence of Fonte who really had no need to make any sort of challenge and got awarded a soft looking penalty which was duly despatched by Jeff Hughes for 1-0. Well, it had taken a little longer than usual but at least we were familiar with the situation we now found ourselves in. Having undeservedly found themselves in front, Rovers had a spell of pressure with crooner of renown Andy Williams firing wide and then Jo Kuffour giving us all brown trousers by smashing a shot against the post. Saints were having efforts on goal too though so if was never as if we were getting battered.

As we approached half time it looked like we would be going in 1-0 down despite playing well but enter Sir Rickie. Firstly, he rose to thump (with his head) in a Punch cross for 1-1 and almost straight from the restart, Saints ended up with a free-kick 25 yards out and central. Before the kick was taken, Radio Merrington commented that it looked like the keeper was standing in the wrong place and then bang, 2-1 Saints, Sir Rickie again. You could be fair to the keeper and mention that it did take an almighty kick off of the ground in front of the keeper but that would be taking away from the fact that Andersen looked a right clown as it fizzed through him. One nil… and you fucked it up. Two goals for Sir Rickie and no big celebration, just like Dean Hammond at Brighton and Dan Harding against Leeds, not.

Having re-written his half time team talk in the minute or so before the half time whistle, Pards sent the team out fired up for some more in the second half and following ten minutes of nondescript nothing much, Antonio then barged his way down the right and the ball broke to Punch who delivered it to Morgan Schneiderlin to have another go at ‘How far will I miss by this week?’. Unbelieveably, he took the option that he’d never taken before and actually smashed it in the net with a lovely dipping half volley to make it 3-1 and spark an outbreak of players jumping on eachother, as they all had bets on Morgan to score at some point in his life at odds of 500-1. Expect a raft of children called Morgan to be born in the Princess Anne in nine months.

There was the odd sporadic threat from Rovers but they were a beaten side and it was no surprise when Lallana got on the end of yet another Puncheon pass before stepping inside a defender and passing it in to make it 4-1 and minutes later it was 5-1 as Punch supplied the finish himself having mazied to the edge of the box. Five one away from home – what the fuck is going on?

Subs came on with Waigo, Barnard and Connolly for Puncheon, Lambert and Antonio and the rest of the game petered out as Rovers opted for damage limitation and Saints had done enough. It was heart warming that the whole ground rose to applaud Sir Rickie off as he headed for the bath and this showed a touch of class from the Gasheads and fair play to them. Usually you’d think a centre forward wouldn’t want to come off when he had two goals but somehow I don’t think he’d be too bothered this time.

Five fucking one – who’d have believed that? Unreal. Considering we were the width of a post of being 2-0 down at one stage as well, it just shows how quickly things can turn around. Bristol Rovers had a few chances but in the second half were quite simply blown away and there were more chances for Saints than I managed to mention in this report. Man of the match was Jason Puncheon who today had a hand in all five goals. He also set up the goal v Charlton despite not having a particularly good match and played the scoring pass for all 3 goals v Hartlepool recently. He picks up undeserved criticism from people like the SMS Chuckle Brothers because he often loses the ball but if you remember, a certain Matt le Tiss was like that but when it mattered, he delivered and so does Punch. It’s all about balance and if you have Lallana, Antonio and Punch trying to be creative all game, this is fine as long as Hammond and Schneiderlin are going the dirty work and not giving the ball away. It was great to see Morgan finally score and what a goal to break your duck with.

Again we have to look at the other results and Colchester lost at Charlton as expected and Huddersfield beat Walsall at home which was also expected. Of course, that only tells half the story of that particular game as Huddersfield were 2-0 up and Walsall were down to 10 men. As we entered the 90th minute, Walsall were 3-2 up and managed to fucking lose 4-3. Consequently, the gap is still 8 points and we have a game in hand. We all know that all we can do is win our own games but at 90 minutes it was looking like 5 points with a game in hand, then it was 6 and then seconds later, 8. Bollocks. Still, no point in moping about after a 5-1 away win at one of your closest rivals.

As for The Gas – they may have been better turning up at Twerton Park after all. In all seriousness though, I remember what it was like seeing Alan Shearer play for Blackburn or Newcastle against Saints and it was hard to take, especially when he scored against us. A vast majority of players move on but it’s harder to accept when it’s your centre forward who used to have you pogoing around the ground on a regular basis every time he smashed one in the net. Not quite the same if you’ve just sold Emile Heskey I grant you. Sir Rickie’s two goals changed the game today and that’s the difference a good centre forward makes – you always have a chance. Rovers have done remarkably well to be where they are in the league having not really replaced him as far as I can see. The next question is will he leave us in the summer? I genuinely don’t think so and I don’t think he’d want to go unless it was Everton or Liverpool who came in having been impressed by his 15 goals for England in the World Cup including a hat-trick in the Final against Brazil.

Next up for Saints is Yeovil Town – of course, we should win but if we do, I bet we’ll have gone 1-0 down first.

Quiz answer(s) – both played for Bristol Rovers, both Scousers, both scored winning goals v Saints in the FA Cup. If you got all that and you’re not a Gashead, you should see a Doctor.

League 1 Match 40 - Southampton 1 Charlton 0

Why is that offside ? Quack !!!

If we’d played Charlton a month ago then I would have been very confident of a win as they had fallen away big time and looked to have settled for a playoff place. However, a combination of them picking up and Leeds being shit means they are now back in contention for the 2nd automatic spot. Last week, Saints weren’t very convincing in beating Leyton Orient so I was a bit worried about this one. We’ve played them twice already this season of course, a 1-1 draw at The Valley in the League and the 2-1 hammering we dished out to them in the JPT. There is also the ‘Pards’ factor to consider as he’s as popular with their fans as Harry Redknapp is with ours. Needless to say – ‘we have to win’. There, I said it anyway.

To the teams and Pards has pulled out a funny one and names what looks like a 4-5-1 with Lee Barnard being the fall guy and being left out for Michail Antonio. I’m guessing that one of Antonio, Lallana or Puncheon will be pushed forwards to support Sir Rickie but you never can tell. The defence saw a change with Jaidi not recovering from his injury picked up last Monday. His replacement was predictably, the unpredictable Danny Seaborne.

The match had a very even start with both teams taking turns to test out the oppositions defence. The first real chance fell to Charlton and their skipper, Nicky Bailey. Bailey scored a blinding goal for Charlton at SMS last season when he weaved down the left wing and cut in before scoring the winner. Good player and when Pards arrived in the summer, I hoped he’d go back to Charlton and sign him up for the Saints revolution. Not so however and here he is playing for Charlton at SMS, flashing in a decent header which Superkelv parried away.

Jason Puncheon has been pushed up front for us and is struggling to get on the ball initially but eventually he gets on it, dribbles a bit and lashes over the bar. Former Saints loanee, Christian Dailly at centre back for Charlton, then expends a lot of effort trying to get one of his midfielders to drop in to mark Punch but none of them seem to be too bothered. The supply line continues however as first Punch tees up Schneiderlin to volley wide (again) and then shoots himself (not like Kurt Cobain) and forces keeper Randolph into a sprawling save at the post.

Usually I only talk about the Chuckle Brothers behind me at half time but on 25 minutes there is a break in play following an offside decision where, as they do these days, the linesman didn’t flag until the player in question made a move towards the ball. ‘Why’s he offside?... ‘Why didn’t he flag earlier?’… ‘He don’t know what he’s doing does he’…6’ Here’s my impression of a duck as I make a farting noise down my rolled up programme’…. The bloke next to me turned round and tried to give a concise history of the offside law, explaining ‘active’ and ‘passive’ and ‘1st phase’, ‘2nd phase’ etc. It was a bit like my French teachers trying to get me to understand at school. Upon seeing me pissing myself laughing – the bloke next to me said ‘that was wasted on them wasn’t it’.

Back to the game and a quick break by Saints sees Sir Rickie flick the ball on to Puncheon who controls and rolls a short ball to Michail Antonio who takes it past a defender on the burst and smashes it in from about 15 yards. 1-0, get in you beauty and a reprise of the JPT Wembley dance.

When Charlton’s next attack broke down we were presented with the very unusual sight of Saints with the ball on the half way line with a four on one break. The ball was with Antonio and just one decent pass would have put Sir Rickie, Punch and Adam Lallana through on goal… and he butchered it completely, picking out the one covering defender. There was still time for two incidents before half time as Bailey again thumped a header goalwards which Superkelv turned over the bar and then Dean Hammond got booked for a tackle that was so late, it was after the half time whistle had sounded and the players were tucking into their segments of orange. If professional footballers don’t have a segment of orange at half-time, like all us park players do (or did)… then they should.

Saints started the second half in brisk fashion and Charlton were asleep as Punch took a short corner to Schneiderlin who stood up a cross for Sir Ricke to header goalwards and it to be cleared off the line by two defenders. Bugger, we could have done with that. Part 3 of the Bailey v Superkelv saga was just around the corner as the little ginger fella smashed a snapshot goalwards and again, was denied by the Saints keeper.

The one man defensive unit that is Jose Fonte was showing up well again. Charlton had Nick Forster up front who played (and scored for Brighton against us at SMS earlier in the season. He didn’t play against Fonte though and today he is really in Jose’s pocket and not getting a sniff. He’s getting irate though and having a good old moan up at the ref as he gets beaten to the ball for about the 25th time. Not content with being the entire back 4, Jose decides to be the keeper as well as in the same attack he clearly blocks two shots with his hand. You can assume in this league that the obvious will not be given and so the appeals were waved away. The ball then broke for Hammond who shoved it past a defender with his arm and again, nothing given.

Perhaps sensing that Forster was getting wound up, Charlton replaced him with a big lanky streak of piss and started to hump it forward which they really didn’t need to do as they were creating enough chances keeping it on the deck. Sir Rickie was more like his old self today, bullying defenders but when you are knocking over someone as old as Christian Dailly, you have to wonder if the Police will be called. Led by the main man, the chances come and go as Punch shoots left footed and it’s deflected just out of the reach of the flying Antonio who is then substituted with Barnard coming on. I felt that he was a bit unlucky to be the one coming off as he’s certainly had more of an impact on the game than Lallana who was very quiet today.

There then followed three more worthwhile efforts from Saints as Lambert curled just wide from the inside left channel, Barnard’s turn and volley lacked power and then Sir Rickie hit the angle of post and bar from a free kick which Randolph left. I think it ended up being a lot closer than he realised so he probably soiled his pants when it clipped the woodwork.

Jonjo Shelvey come on for the last 10 minutes and immediately proved why he should have been on from the start and Paul Wotton came on for Sir Rickie and immediately proved that he shouldn’t. Saints defended a bit too deep for the last five minutes but aside from one important tackle from Otsemobor, were relatively untroubled – even by the obligatory corners at the end with the Charlton keeper running around in our box like a big orange pillock.

Full time, 1-0, Hurrah!

So, Pards beats Charlton again who were to be fair, were a decent side and if we’d gone behind in this match I feel that we would have severely struggled to get the win we needed. They did however run out of steam in the last half hour and I personally felt we were always more likely to get a second goal than them to equalize. As I said earlier, they started hoofing the ball forwards which played straight in the hands of Fonte and Seaborne. I have a bit of problem with Seaborne in that I don’t think he’s good enough and he gives me the shits. If the ball is in the air to be attacked and it’s in front of him then he’s ok and he wins his share – but get around him and he doesn’t seem to have a clue and ball watches. OK – he’s no Ollie Lancashire and thankfully, not many are but the bottom line is – with Jaidi injured, I’d rather see Chris Perry in the side any day of the week.

As the last of the players left the field, it was time for the announcement of the other League 1 scores. Up until today I had not even really listened to them at any game because I didn’t care what anyone else did. Today it’s interesting because it’s now all opening up before us. We need other teams to be losing and also today, we needed West Ham to be winning as it would confirm relegation for the Skates.

Brentford 3 Huddersfield (currently in 6th) 0 – big cheer, happy days
Colchester (currently 7th) 3 Swindon 0 – boooooooooo – fucking Swindon – do us twice and then lose to Hoofroyd and his clowns.
Norwich 1 MK Dons (one place below us) 1 – happy enough with that, Fake Dons were winning with 2 minutes to go. Karl Robinson quotes should be interesting this week.
Oldham 2 Bristol Rovers (currently 8th) 1 – excellent
West Ham 1 Sunderland 0 – ‘Pompey going down with no money in the bank etc’

OK – The Skates are relegated – so what, they were always going to be, right from the start of the season. Now it’s time to have a look at the playoff picture. As of right now, with 6 games left, we are 8 points behind Colchester and Huddersfield with a better goal difference and a game in hand. Our next two games are both away from home on shitty grounds… Bristol Rovers at Twerton Park and and Yeovil at Huish Park. Of course, as you know, we have made a right balls of these sort of games recently. If I was a betting man I’d still be betting on us just missing the playoffs but I tell you what – win these two and I’ll start to believe.

League 1 Match 39 - Southampton 2 Leyton Orient 1

Alan Bennett - Not very good.

Leyton Orient at home on a Bank Holiday Monday and I was running late. Usually, my Dad picks me up at two and in we come. Today it was 10 past two and I was wondering where the old git was and then I remembered that ina reversal of the usual, I was picking him up today and oh shit. Having driven to Woolston and hoofed it across the bridge, with much moaning from the old man, we arrived at 2.59. Plenty of time.

I managed to catch the team announcements and hear ‘James Scowcroft’ named in the Orient line-up. Who remembers Saints 1 Palace 4 in the Alan Bennett match where Scowcroft scored at hat-trick. There have been many occasions when I have watched a player have a mare and thought ‘I could do better than that’ but deep down, I didn’t really mean it. At the time of that game, I was 39 and hadn’t played for 7 years but I would definitely have played better than Alan Bennett. Scowcroft scored the easiest hat-trick anyone could ever score and now he’s back.

The Saints line-up reverted to what is commonly thought to be our strongest line up with Schneiderlin returning in place of Wotton and Barnard in for Antonio up front. Jaidi and Fonte were charged with looking after Scowcroft. Orient had sacked their manager a couple of days ago and were residing just one place above the relegation zone.

Orient started brightly and were nearly in on goal after 30 seconds but Harding snuffed it out. A throw in from the left came in and both Jaidi and Fonte were momentarily possessed by the ghost of Alan Bennett and both missed headers allowing Spicer to have a free shot from 6 yards. He didn’t miss. One minute gone and 1-0 down. Bad went to worse for Jaidi about a minute later as he cleared a ball and pulled up holding a hamstring. Instead of coming straight off he limped back to defend a throw and then couldn’t jump, causing more panic in our goalmouth and Kelvin totally failed to command the area. Off went Radhi after a pretty poor two minutes to be replaced by Danny Seaborne.

Seaborne looked quite composed when he came on and he had the ball at his feet about 10 yards inside our half. There wasn’t a single Orient player within 30 yards of him. The line of 4 defenders was on the edge of the penalty area. The line of 5 midfielders were stationed about 10 yards further forward and the one forward (Scowcroft) was not about to close him down either. This is the way it’s gonna be is it? 85 minutes to go.

It’s difficult enough to break down a massed defence at the best of times but it’s especially difficult when nearly all your forward going players are not at the races. Sir Rickie looked like he was running through treacle and was not getting off the ground at all to complete with headers, whilst Barnard was working hard as usual but was taking about 5 touches to get the ball under control. Schneiderlin’s radar was well off as a succession of well-intended passes were hit. The passes were hit with the usual Gallic flair aside from the fact that they were shite and were all cut out by Orient players. Meanwhile, Puncheon wasn’t getting into the game at all much to the delight of the moaning twat behind me whose one phrase to be repeated all day was ‘Puncheon’s not half the player he looked like is he?’

Like the last time we faced a massed defence at SMS – Swindon – we still created a glorious chance as Puncheon’s deep cross was headed down by Lambert to present Barnard with what looked like a sitter header. He headed it, we all jumped up and somehow it missed by bloody miles. What happened there ?

Orient were predictably offering nothing but were winning the odd free kick in our territory as the referee took a dislike to Fonte (or a liking for Scowcroft) and decided it was a foul every time there was a challenge. Compare and contrast to the other end where Lambert was getting given sweet bugger all every time he was assaulted by Mkunpronounceablename. Scowcroft and Lambert were similar in the way they challenged for the ball in that neither of them did really except standing where the ball was going to drop and slightly backin in. League 1 refs - love 'em.

All very frustrating until the 41st minute when a cross field ball from Puncheon picked out Lallana with just the full back in front of him. He cut inside the full back, leaving him for dead and shaped to shoot but dummied inside the centre back and then curled a lovely shot into the far top corner of the net. Bloody good goal and 1-1. Still Orient played the 9-1-0 formation and so the half petered out.

At half time I had one of the most bizarre conversations I’ve ever had at football. My Dad mentioned a programme he’d seen on tapeworms (I don’t know why) and the bloke in front of us overheard and chimed in like it was his specialised subject on Mastermind. He knew how to flush them out and the dangers of them breaking in half – everything. Weird.

Saints piled forwards at the start of the second half and we had another entry in the ‘Will Morgan Ever Score’ competition as he latched onto a far post cross from Puncheon and headed wide. It is in danger of becoming another Claus Lundekvam story. How many games without a goal? On that note – sort yourself out Claus.

On 54 minutes after some deliberate build up play, Saints took the lead as Puncheon’s cross was headed back into the mixer from beyond the back stick by Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana dived in and headed his second goal of the game. The effect on Orient was quite startling and they decided to attack.

Dan Seaborne had looked composed in the first half and played some good balls forward to feet but when under pressure as he was now – it was going anywhere, usually straight up and Saints were stuggling to clear any danger. Hammond was working hard to make up for the fact that Schneiderlin wasn’t and I was impressed with Deano’s 40 yard sprint back towards our goal before robbing the attacker with a well timed tackle. It took Kelvin to keep us in the lead though with a trademark strong arm to keep out an effort from the Orient right back who’d rumbled forward.

In order to give Orient something to think about, Barnard was subbed as usual and replaced with Antonio. I assumed we’d be going 4-5-1 with Antonio on the right but it was a straight swap and he went up front. I was pondering that it was a bit odd that Papa Waigo hadn’t come on but Antonio made me forget as he managed to get caught offside three times in his first 5 minutes on the pitch. In all seriousness though, Waigo is a forward and Antonio is not, so why?

Saints nearly put it to bed on 75 when Lambert cut on from the left and from a tight angle and hammered it goalwards, where the keeper beat it away. It was time to hold what we have and Wotton came on for Schneiderlin. One comment from near me was ‘oh good, we’ve gone back up to 11 players’. Harsh but fair I thought. Orient huffed and puffed without really creating much aside from tint he 92nd minute when one of their subs, Patulea, lashed one over the bar. Patulea sounds like it’s the name of a bone. I’m sure if you went to the Doctor’s and said you had a bruised Patulea, they’d sign you off work for at least two weeks. I’m sure David Connolly’s had that – he’s had everything else. Full time – Saints 2 Leyton Orient 1.

There is a famous Ian Holloway quote which I apologise for writing verbatim.

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee".

That was Saints performance today. We won and happy days but we weren’t the greatest, not by a long chalk. There were too many players having poor games with only really Adam Lallana and Dean Hammond having decent games. It was a tough game to win today but we got the job done. Time for a coffee.

Next up is Charlton at home who are suddenly back in the automatic promotion mix as a result of Leeds deciding they fancy another crack at the JPT next year. We have to play better than today and we will – or else we will get stuffed. As for the playoff picture, we are 8 points behind Huddersfield who are 6th and stranger things have happened – Alan Bennett had a few good games for us after his Scowcroft nightmare and I’d have never predicted that.

League 1 Match 38 - Brighton 2 Southampton 2

It's all getting a bit Religious on the blog.

It was time for another shitty away game. A shitty midweek trip to a shitty ground. From Wembley to the Withdean, from heaven to hell. I’ve had a pop at a few grounds and pitches over the course of the season but this is the worst by a mile. Credit where credit is due though and the Brighton fans put up with a hell of a lot back in the day and they must still be reminded of that fact every time they go into the Withdean. It can’t seem like home… I guess it’s better than playing at Gillingham but that’s about it.

Bearing in mind it was only 4 days since the Wembley trip, Pards must have been slightly worried about the focus of the players. All the right noises were being made in the press as you’d expect but it was a surprise to see that the one player who would definitely put in a performance was left out. Lee Barnard was actually one who had made all the right noises in the press about fighting for his place after the success in the JPT when he was cup tied. He had scored 7 goals in the previous 9 games he was available and of course, he wouldn’t suffer from ‘After the Lord Mayor’s Show’ because he’d not been invited to the Lord Mayor’s Show. Papa Waigo and Joseph Mills were left out of the JPT Final XI with Jon Otsemobor returning at right back (Harding switched to the left) and Jason Puncheon coming into the midfield. I assumed that Antonio would be up front, having had a great game in the JPT but he was wide right and we lined up 4-5-1.

Having done the predictor for the rest of the season, I thought this was our most difficult match because of the ‘shit ground away midweek’ thing and also because Brighton stuffed us 3-1 at SMS and thoroughly deserved their win though I feel that the DVD they produced of that win was a touch over the top. I wonder if our lads watched it on the coach back from Wembley?

Saints were out of the blocks like a sprinter who had had his laces tied together and Brighton had two decent chances to score in the opening 10 minutes but on both occasions, managed only to hit the running track. Buoyed by Brighton’s inability to hit the target, Saints assumed they were going to keep on missing and served up a chance to Bennett with a shite clearance from a player who I haven’t identified as yet.
Instead of lashing it wide like he was supposed to, Bennett smashed it in the net, 1-0, 12 minutes gone. Bugger.

The sound of the crowd on the radio is telling me exactly when Hammond or Harding are on the ball as they are about as popular as Harry Redknapp in Portsmouth what with both being ex-Brighton and all. Loud booing and jeering with a bit of cheering thrown in when they misplace a pass or slice it out of play. It then gets amusing as the word ‘Wankaaaaaaaaah’ is clearly audible on the airwaves. Tiny things please tiny minds and that made me laugh anyhow.

Saints are gradually getting back into it and they go close on 20 minutes when a Sir Rickie free kick goes just over and five minutes later, Paul Wotton of all people lashed in a volley that flew just wide. More free kicks for Saints and even though the first was in Rickie territory, Saints executed an intricate training ground routine which involved Puncheon hitting it into the wall and then hoofing the rebound out of play. Genius. The 1-2 off the wall always works better in training.

Or next free kick was out on the right on 40 minutes and again, Puncheon took it opted for the more percentage free-kick from Page 1 of the free-kick manual which states ‘shoot or cross it into the fucking box’. He did the latter and it was met with a flicked header by Dean Hammond who buried it for 1-1. Whilst punching the air myself, I had to laugh at Dave Merrington’s description of ‘some players don’t celebrate too much if they score in front of their former teams fans but Hammond’s just done the complete opposite’. Scoring and then giving it the large one in front of people who are giving you a lot of grief must be very satisfying. Five minutes later, half time, 1-1

Saints started the second half well went close a couple of times through solo efforts from Puncheon. Brighton manager Gus Poyet reacted to Saints forcing the pace by introducing Lua Lua (no not that one but another one) and Barnes and pretty soon, the former had crossed for the latter the bury a header and make it 2-1, shite…. More Brighton pressure for the next 15 minutes and on 75, Pards decided we needed to win the game after all and went for broke with a triple substitution which saw Barnard, Waigo and Seaborne come on for Wotton, Antonio and Jaidi

Barnard immediately went to work on the Brighton defence, causing all sorts of bother and managing to get himself booked in no time for rattling a few cages by falling over in the box. The next time he fell over was 30 yards out and this time it was given but Sir Rickie was again over the bar with the resulting free kick.

All was looking a bit grim as we reached the 89th minute still 2-1 down but all praise be to Serigne Ababacar as Papa Waigo fired in a cross which Barnard smashed into the net from close range to make it Desmond 2-2 (a shite joke I heard on the TV the other day).

There’s always that one chance isn’t there – the one chance to snatch it or throw it away and it fell to Dean Hammond but no doubt with the cries of ‘Wankaaaaaaaaaah’ ringing in his ears, he fired straight at the keeper. Full time, Desmond.

One point gained or two dropped? I think normally you’d say one gained having not played well and having been behind in the 89th minute. However, we had to win really so it’s not good enough. I’m sure there will be a suitably hysterical reaction amongst the Goldfish fans that we have, the ones with the very short…. Sorry forgot was I was going to say there. The bottom line is that we’ve done it yet again where we win a few and the gap suddenly looks manageable and then we go and make a balls of it when we really shouldn’t have.

It’s easy to say in hindsight but Pards made an error in my opinion with the 4-5-1 and leaving Barnard out. I can understand the selection though and I feel it was down to trying to shore up the central midfield of our team which I think is the weakest area of our side anyway and even more so when Schneiderlin is out. Wotton and Hammond don’t offer enough control to dominate a game and push on which is why Pards put an extra body in there. That’s a total guess of course. When the formation was wrong in the Hartlepool game, it was recognized and changed but today unfortunately, it was the 80th minute before the gameplan altered. Sir Rickie looks like he’s running on empty to me so expecting him to play up front on his own was a bit of a tall order today. Barnard is a very hard working foil and it makes a huge difference when he plays, a bit like Brett Ormerod but with goals and with a face that doesn’t look like someone’s been chopping wood on it. Good fighting spirit shown I guess and Lee Barnard is man of the match despite only playing ten minutes.

Next up, Leyton Orient at home on Easter Monday…now it is certain if it wasn’t already – we have to win every game.