Sunday, June 19, 2016

Euro 2016 Part 3: Passionless England Beat Sheep Shaggers



No Words Gareth, No Words!

Wednesday 15th June

Today started with Russia against Slovakia in England's group. Everyone is hoping Russia get knocked out so there fans can all fuck off home and it was looking good as Slovakia were the better side and took the lead when Hamsik played a great ball over the top to Weiss and he made two Russian defenders look like twats before scoring with ease.just before half time they doubled their lead as a short corner was played to Hamsik who simply cut inside and lastly sure enough the far post. A brilliant goal but quite shocking defending again. The second-half continued in the same brain with Slovakia the better side and Russia doing absolutely nothing until out of nowhere they pulled one back with 10 minutes to go. The last 10 minutes was of course all played in the Slovakia penalty area but they hung on to win and the big fat Russian coach looked like he was about to have a heart attack. I'm sure they have a Siberian equivalent of BUPA because that's where you're going Fat boy.

Switzerland against Romania was basically the game to see who finishes second behind France and we are none the wiser are as it ended in a 1-1 draw. Romania took the lead through their second penalty of the tournament when Lichsteiner was penalised for shirt pulling and it couldn't happen to a nicer bloke. Stancu stuck it away once more. Both teams had and missed decent opportunities but it was eventually Switzerland who equalised after a corner was half cleared and Mehmedi smashed the shit out of it and it flew into the far corner of the net. Both of these teams are pretty dull and devoid of any personality. If they get through they will get knocked out in the last 16 and everyone will forget that they were even in the competition at all.

France against Albania was surprisingly even with both sides having chances to score in the first half. If anything, Albania had the better of it and hit the post from a massive bundle at the start of the second half. Giroud hit the post from a header and it looked like it was going to be 0-0 until a cross got tossed into the box and Griezmann put a header just inside the post. Then, on 96 minutes the scoreline was given a more flattering sheen for France as Payet again did well to beat two defenders inside the box and make room for himself before smashing it past the keeper. Albania are probably going out after two defeats but they've done pretty well and I don't think France are as good as everyone is making out even though they are two wins out of two and in the next round comfortably. Hopefully somewhere, Michel Platini is enjoying this on his TV in prison whilst his cell mate tries to search him to find where he hid all the money.

Thursday 16th June

It's time to put us through the pain of watching England again, this time against the Welsh. Roy Hodgson has predictably bottled making any tough decisions so we have to watch Sterling trying to have a good match for the first time since 2014. If Sterling managed to keep his place you could therefore guarantee that everyone else would as well.

There has been a lot of noise out of the Welsh camp this week mainly from the two stars Bale and Ramsey. If an Englishman spoke like that then we would be accused of arrogance of course but it's obviously fine if the Welsh say it, saying none of our players with getting their team (Bale) and outright saying that Wales are better than England (Ramsey). Reading between the lines I think they were trying to stop the lesser players in their team from having an inferiority complex. If not that then I have no idea what they were going to achieve by basically making comments that would do the England team talk for them.

From the start England looked up for it and Kane charged down a Williams clearance in the first minute. We had a glorious chance on five minutes as Kane won the ball and put Lallana away on the right and his cross was perfect for Sterling but the useless little fucker manage to put it over the bar from about 5 yards in a display of complete fucking uselessness, deciding to throw himself at the ball instead of just running into it and sidefooting it home.

Walker and Smalling are looking a bit suspect when put under any pressure at the back but luckily we're not having much defending to do. One definite improvement is that Kane is not taking corners. That job has gone to Captain Rooney and to be fair he is at least putting it into areas where some players can attack it including Kane of course. It really wasn't rocket science was it Roy?
Unfortunately, Kane is still on free kicks and one from a decent position about 25 yards out is smashed into orbit. That changed when Rose has a dive on the edge of the box and wins a free kick off of Ledley. Rooney pinged it in and Cahill heads it straight at Hennessy.

It all goes to shit as we approach half time when Rooney gets caught in possession 35 yards out and trashes Robson-Kanu in retaliation. Bale smashes the freekick straight and Hart makes a total bollocks of it and can only push it into the net by the post. The original free kick was about 3 yards from the post so this is a goalkeeping fuck up of the highest order to make it 1-0 to Wales from the first time they got in our penalty area. It's a good free kick by Bale and I guess that's what big players do, a moment of brilliance after doing fuck all for the entire match so far .

Roy, or more likely Gary Neville, rolled the dice at half time because we fucking had to and Kane and Sterling were hooked in favour of Sturridge and Vardy. Immediately England had more purpose with Sturridge dropping deep in almost playing a number 10 role and we equalised after 10 minutes when Sturridge's cross was accidentally headed into Vardy's pass by Ashley Williams and the Leicester man put it into the net whilst anyone who was blind appealed for offside. It was all England in the second half but play kept breaking down, either due to good Welsh defending or to Dele Alli having an absolute shocker. Surprisingly it wasn't Alli who came off but Lallana and on came Marcus Rashford. I bet there's never been a game in his entire career where Hodgson has made three attacking substitutions. Rashford did well without being spectacular but we arrived at the 90th minute still at 1-1 with Wales barely getting out of their half before Sturridge fed the ball into Vardy in the box and via Alli and a deflection it came back to Sturridge who hit it early at the near post and Hennessy couldn't keep it out and we all went fucking mental and I'll even forgive Sturridge his wanker dance. The celebrations of the goal certainly stuffed Bale's words about a lack of passion down his throat's and it was nice to see the expression on Aaron Ramsey's face as well as he'd been shit again and spent most of his time being a niggly little tosser. Get in there.

So, all is rosy in the garden. England are top of the group and virtually qualified for the next round. We need to put Slovakia away to win the group and we surely will as long as Hodgson learns the lessons from today and starts with Sturridge and Vardy. I would also give Ross Barkley again instead of Alli who was pretty poor all match. Not Henderson or Milner. I repeat not Henderson or Milner.

The answer to the question of how many Wales players would get in a combined team is one. Ramsay would get in the squad ahead of maybe someone like Milner and Henderson and Bale would get in the team somewhere but we'd expect him to do a little bit more then take a couple of free kicks. I'm sure that Chris Coleman is expecting him to do a little bit more as well.

Finally, a word for Wayne Rooney. He was absolutely fucking brilliant again today aside from giving away the freekick which Wales scored from. I didn't see him waste a pass and the best bit of the entire game for me was him screaming down the camera when England scored at the end. I've been a big critic in the past but he's been absolutely fantastic in the first two games.

Everyone thought that Northern Ireland were terrible in their first game and Michael O'Neill obviously agreed as he made five changes to the starting lineup. They certainly seem to be more up for it from the start against the Ukraine side who really don't look that good. A goalless first half that the Irish shaded was followed by Gareth McAuley getting his head on a Norwood free kick to put them one up. It wouldn't have felt like it to a Northern Ireland supporter but the rest of the game was Ukraine trying to break down a resolute defence and they just didn't have the capability to do it. Hughes and Evans at full-backs totally nullified the best two Ukraine players (Konoplyanka and Iarmalenko) and having a defied everything, including a bad weather break when hailstones were crashing down from the sky, Northern Ireland broke away up the right, a cross came in, a shot was blocked and there was Niall McGinn to make it 2-0 in the 95th minute. An absolutely brilliant result for Northern Ireland and even if they lose to Germany, they will still be finishing third in the group in all likelihood so will have a really decent chance of getting through.



The first half of Germany against Poland was complete soporific shit. Nothing happened aside from Germany monopolising position and having no clue how to break Poland down. Poland have got Fabianski in goal who is absolutely shit so the Germans have to do is get a shot on target.

At the start of the second-half Milik missed from about 3 yards when he tried to head a ball he should've kicked and the Germans got away with it. He'll probably prove me wrong at some point but what the hell is the fuss about Lewandowski. He never seems to get a shot away. When he had a chance he took too long and got binned by Boateng. Milik missed another chance when he fell on his arse instead of shooting but the rest of the game was so shit that it didn't actually deserve a goal. The Germans are definitely missing something up front their Plan B was to bring on Mario Gomez who was decent in the last Euros but is absolutely gash usually. Maybe the lack of anything in this game was down to both teams winning their first match so therefore only needing a draw to go through. Not that the Germans would ever do anything like that of course... cough... Austria… cough 1982. ..cough Algeria.

Friday 17th June

Italy versus Sweden was incredibly dull with neither side really going for it. Italy just seemed quite cagey where as Sweden didn't look capable. If Zlatan doesn't score then no one will. Italy at the bar in the second half which was the closest we had to a goal until the 88th minute when Eder picked up the ball on the left and the defenders hopelessly shepherded him towards the goal until he had a clear shot past is Isaksson which he took to put Italy through to the last 16 and Sweden in the last chance saloon, needing to beat Belgium to go through. They won't be missed if they don't manage it. Again though, it has to be highlighted that the Italian defence was superb and didn't allow Sweden a shot on target. Zlatan said before the game that the legend can still deliver, referring to himself of course. Needless to say, the legend did nothing of the sort.

Czech Republic versus Croatia was a crazy affair. Croatia totally dominated the game and Perisic cut in from the left to put them in the lead. After half-time Rakitic put them two up following a defender with no ability attempting to play his way out of defence and losing the ball. The game was petering out towards a comfortable Croatia win when Modrić got injured and had to go off and the tide completely turned. Tomas Rosicky put in a superb cross with the outside of his right foot that was headed in by Skoda and then the game was interrupted by Croatian fans throwing flares on the pitch and fighting amongst themselves. What the fuck was going on there is anyone's guess but just maybe it was because Twattenburg was refereeing.  In the five minutes that were added a ball was launched forward into the Croatia penalty area and Vida decided to jump for the header and punch the ball off the head of a Czech striker. The only trouble with this is that Vida is not the goalkeeper. Penalty, bang, 2-2.


Twattenburg Ponders Booking Mandzukic for Flare Interference

Spain turned up for the usual position fest, this time against Turkey. This again was entirely predictable with Spain monopolizing the ball and failing in the final third to get any shots away. Fabregas had a free header at goal at one point and decided to head it backwards to a non-existent forward. Anyhow, they took the lead on the half hour mark as Nolito bent in a cross and Moratta rose unmarked to head past the keeper. Turkey's game plan was now fucked and so their centre half decided to take things up a level by getting him self in a right mess and perfectly heading a pass into the path of Nolito Who scored easily to make it 2-0. The third came just after half time as Jordi Alba broke the half side tracked and instead of shooting, unselfishly squared it for Moratta to score his second. Turkey completely gave up and Spain almost couldn't be arsed to score any more. Even the Turkish friends gave up and I don't know what Arda Turan has done but he was getting slaughtered by his own fans when ever he touched the ball. Turkey, like a couple of others will not be missed when they go home.

Saturday 18th June 


I always start every one of these tournaments hoping that the Republic of Ireland do well. That goodwill lasts about as long as it takes them to play their first match because they are pretty shite. Actually, they weren't complete shite in their first game but in today's match against Belgium they were absolutely dire from the first minute to the last. The first half rivalled the Germany v Poland game for outright tediousness with the only interesting bit being Belgium's defenders deciding that the best way to stop Shane Long was to kick the living shit out of him. It has to be said that Belgium were bloody awful as well in much the same way that they were against Italy. Ireland are no Italy though and were never going to hold out for the 0-0 draw they had come for. Belgium took the lead through Lukaku’s very good finish and within 10 minutes Witsel had doubled the lead from the header when Ireland decided not to mark him. The third goal came from more shambolic defending, this time by Ciaran Clark again, and Hazard easily beat him down the right hand side before squaring for Lukaku to tap in. The commentators at the end of the game were getting all excited about Belgium scoring three goals but let's just remember who they were playing today lads. Belgium still looked very ordinary to me and they were definitely helped by a very lenient referee who allowed continual assaults on Irish forward players.

In what is turning out to be a very interesting group, Hungary played at Iceland and were on top in the main until Iceland scored on 40 minutes through a Sigurdsson penalty. The second half was played almost exclusively in the Icelandic half and I honestly didn't think that Hungary would ever score but eventually they did as they got down the right, fired it across and the Icelandic right back had to try and do something and that something was sticking it into his own net. There was drama at the end as Iceland won a free kick right on the edge of the box but Sigurdsson tried to fire it under the wall and it was blocked back to Eidur Gudjonsson who is now about 47 and his effort was deflected about a foot wide. The draw virtually puts Hungary through and Iceland will go on to their last game against Austria with every chance of joining them.

Both teams has chances in the first half of the Portugal against Austria match with Nani and Ronaldo missing for Portugal when they really should have scored. Alaba nearly scored for Austria but for a very good clearance of the line by Vieirinha who I thought was shite in the first game. As the game goes on, the shiny one became more important, forcing a great save out of Almer in the Austrian goal with a low shot. Next up he got twice as high as everyone to power in a header from a corner but once again the keeper got down well to save. Unlucky, you big shiny twat. Another chance came his way though as a cross from the left flashed in front of him but he was wrestled to the ground by an Austrian defender and the ref gave a penalty and fair enough. There was only one big shiny twat who was going to take it and so up stepped Ronaldo and pinged it off the post as everyone who isn't Portuguese pissed themselves laughing and even more so when he did manage to get the ball in the net with a very good header, only to be flagged correctly offside. Even though nothing went for Ronaldo tonight and he still wasn't taking people on, he played very well in the second half and looked very dangerous and I'm sure he and everyone else knows that one team will suffer somewhere along the way.


 Oh Dear, How Sad!


Round 2 Awards:

Best Team: Spain
Best Player: Andres Iniesta, Wayne Rooney
Best Goal: Marek Hamsik (Solvakia), Daniel Sturridge
Worst Team: Republic of Ireland, Russia
Worst Player: Cairan Clark, Joe Hart
Over Achievers: Northern Ireland
Most Overhyped: Germany
Worst Manager: The Fat Russian Bloke
Biggest Wanker: Aaron Ramsey

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