England Squad In-Depth and Fair Analysis

Roy responds to my Milner verdict.

World Cup squad time and Roy has very kindly announced that it will be announced straight after the last game of the season so we won’t have to listen to loads of ex-players talking shite about how we should always take experienced players.  History shows us that taking experienced or over-the –hill players to World Cup leads to England to achieving the square root of fuck all so here’s a thought, why not try something different this time.

Here’s what I would do and what I think Roy will do.

GOALKEEPERS: Joe Hart is our number 1 and the best keeper we have by a mile.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say that we would be completely fucked if he got injured.  The fact that Ben Foster is the likely number 2 says it all.  He’s better than he used to be when he played for England before he quit but that’s not saying much.  The 3^rd pick is between a goalkeeper who has let in about 150 goals this season and one who has had about 4 shots to save all season.  John Ruddy has been very average behind a shocking Norwich team and Fraser Forster plays for a mid-table Premiership standard team, in a league where everyone else is League 1 standard so he’s hardly going to have anything to do.  However, he’s still better than Ruddy who is bollocks so for me it’s HART, FOSTER, FORSTER

RIGHT BACK:  Glenn Johnson will be Roy’s first choice but I have a problem with this and the problem is that he can’t defend for shit.  All right backs can attack these days so surely you need the ones who can defend as well.  Kyle Walker can attack but he’s an even worse defender than Johnson and then there’s Jon Flanagan who is right footed but plays on the left for Liverpool though interestingly, when they dicked Saints 3-0 at St Mary’s, Flanagan played right and Johnson left.  Flanagan’s versatility wins him the nod in some quarters but I think the ability to put in kamikaze tackles on both sides of the pitch which will almost certainly lead to cards from World Cup referees is something we can do without.  My pick is of course Nathaniel Clyne who can attack and is the best defender by a mile.  Very rarely beaten by a winger and has the pace to get back if caught forward.  Walker has pace as well but has no brain and he’s injured thank Christ.  There has also been mention of Manchester United reserves Jones and Smalling who are both shit in their preferred position of centre half and are even worse at right back where they often cover.  For me it’s CLYNE and JOHNSON but I think Roy will go with Johnson and Jones.

LEFT BACK:  We’ve got to take Ashley Cole because of his experience says Martin Keown – why?  Might as well take Stuart Pearce then hadn’t we as he’s played about as much football as Cole in the last 12 months.  I am of course being slightly silly on this one but I saw something on Saturday that made me change my mind on who I’d take.  Up until Saturday I’d have taken Leighton Baines and Luke Shaw but having witnessed and been reminded that Baines is really not that great a defender, I’d be taking Shaw for definite and one of the other two and seeing as how my criteria for a full back is that they are a defender first, I’d go with COLE and SHAW.  You have to remember that England are not going to spend the whole game bombing forward.  Roy will go with Baines and Cole though and as England will be on the back foot in most games, Baines will get destroyed.

CENTRE BACK:  If only John Terry had not been such a dickhead, we’d have a had a solid club combination of Terry and Gary Cahill in the centre of the England back 4 and that would have given us some confidence.  As it is, we’ll have Cahill and Phil Jagielka.  Jags is a good solid player but look behind those two and we’re down to the two United reserves in Jones and fucking Bambi Smalling.  Smalling is the new Wes Brown in that he's United's 4th choice but that somehow makes him an automatic England squad pick. There are other options like John Stones from Everton who isn’t quite ready, Joleon Lescott who never plays for his club and Steven Caulker who is about to get relegated with Cardiff.  The only saving grace is that Rio bloody Ferdinand has retired so I’d go with CAHILL, JAGIELKA, CAULKER and JONES but Roy will take Cahill, Jags, Bambi Smalling and have Jones as cover right and centre back, leaving room for another midfielder.

DEFENSIVE MIDFIELD:  We have one and one only and it’s Steven Gerrard.  I’m not sure Jordan Henderson is a defensive midfield player and I know he’s played well this season but he still sometimes looks like a player who will just cough up possession at every opportunity.  If any of Lampard, Carrick, Wilshere or fucking Gareth Barry are mentioned as defensive midfielders then we might as well not bother turning up.  Having said we only have one…. Hang on, there is an outstanding English defensive midfielder playing in the Premier League and yes I am talking about Jack Cork and he sadly has no chance of being in Roy’s squad.  He’d be in mine though so I’d take GERRARD, HENDERSON and CORK but I’d put money on Roy taking Gerrard and Lampard and probably expecting made-of-glass Wilshere to play deep with Henderson being in the mix as well… and he’ll take fucking Carrick on the grounds that he allegedly keeps possession.  Any fucking footballer can keep possession when not under pressure but you go near Carrick and he’s too slow to do anything with it.  Sorry, I forgot to mention Tom Cleverley – can’t think why – oh yes, because he’s dogwank.

ATTACKING MIDFIELD: We’ve been robbed of Theo Walcott in this area but he’s been replaced with the emergence of Raheem Sterling so one in and one out.  We’ve also lost Potshot Townshend who would have been picked but he’s done nothing this season so wouldn’t have deserved it.  Saints academy products Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Adam Lallana will also be included.  Alex is a bit fortunate for me as he’s not really done much this season and will be on the bench rather than in the starting line up.  Adam Lallana should of course be in the team and anyone who thinks not either knows nothing about football or is a Portsmouth fan.  Adam Johnson looked good about February time but has tailed off and I consider Jack Wilshere to be in this attacking midfielder category even though he’s always injured and not as good as his earlier hype suggested he was going to be and Paul Scholes agrees with me.  Ross Barkley has looked superb in some games for Everton but I don’t reckon Roy will take a chance on him even though he’s the sort who could turn the tournament on it’s head.  If it was a choice between Barkley and Wilshere I’d take the Everton lad every time.  Some people still mention Ashley Young and some people are stupid.  For me it’s STERLING, LALLANA, OXLADE-CHAMBERLAIN, WILSHERE, BARKLEY but Roy will take these (besides Barkley) along with the fucking awful James Milner who is 100% percent guaranteed possession recycling machine for whoever we’re playing against.  He’s not a winger as he hasn’t got a creative bone in his body – he’s a midfield scuffler and that’s it.  I hope and pray Hodgson leaves him at home cos if he doesn’t, he’ll be tempted to use him and he’s just a negative.

STRIKERS:  Well Danny Sturridge is a certainty and rightly so and Wayne Rooney will be in the squad despite having a track record of doing absolutely nothing in big games, especially one’s for England.  He’s your flat-track bully boy who will score two against Costa Rica after contributing fuck all against Uruguay and Italy.  If he’s not 100% fit then he should not start or else we get the spectacle like we had in Euro 2012 when he played like a Sunday afternoon park player who had just come out the pub.  He does wear a mean squirrel on his head though.  Next up we have Danny Welbeck who is not really a striker and he’s not really a winger either.  He does nothing for Man United but it has to be said, he does look decent when he plays for England a lot of the time.  There has been a lot of talk about who the ‘big’ man is going to be in the forward arsenal.  If it’s not Rickie Lambert then I might not even fucking watch.  A superb player with everything in his game apart from pace.  Scores goals, free kicks, penalties, headers, sets up loads of chances for others etc.  Even forgetting his stats or Saints, in an England shirt he’s played 2 and a half games, scored 2 and set up two (I think).  Sure, Andy Carroll can head a ball but do we want our most used pass combination to be Hart to Carroll cos that’s what’ll happen if he gets anywhere near the pitch.  Surely to God we’re trying to get away from this ‘lump it up to the big man’ one dimensional shit approach – and he’s a dickhead, and he’s always injured.  Before anyone says Jermain Defoe – sorry but he’s retired and playing in the MLS.  I don’t reckon many of the American players play in that even.  It has to be STURRIDGE, ROONEY, WELBECK and LAMBERT and I think Roy thinks that too.

So, me and Roy will both go for the following 18.

HART

FOSTER

FORSTER

JOHNSON

JONES

COLE

JAGIELKA

CAHILL

GERRARD

HENDERSON

STERLING

LALLANA

OXLADE-CHAMBERLAIN

WILSHERE

STURRIDGE

ROONEY

WELBECK

LAMBERT

My remaining 5 would be

CLYNE

SHAW

CAULKER

CORK

BARKLEY

Roy’s remaining 5 will be

SMALLING (Shite, out of form)

BAINES (can't defend for shit)

MILNER (you cannot be an international midfielder if your only qualities are 'without the ball')

LAMPARD (past it)

CARRICK (too slow)

Roy Hodgson may surprise me but I bet he doesn’t.  He has improved of late and I just hope he has the guts to go for it and not revert to the extreme conservatism and safety first approach which will get us absolutely nowhere.  I know my squad is Saints heavy and that’s because I’m biased but it’s also because I genuinely believe they’re the best players for the jobs in question.  If you don’t like it then bite me...  or comment at least.