Premier League Match 30 - Southampton 4 Norwich City 2

Dejan's new design for a Russell Brown T-Shirt, Perhaps!

Don’t you just hate it when you’re at home and you’re up against a team that’s got an abysmal away record.  You just go into it expecting to cock it up.  It’s like when you’re playing against a striker who hasn’t scored for three years.  We are up against one of those today in the amusingly named Ricky Van Wolfswinkel who was signed with much fanfare as the replacement for Grant Holt and has been a complete disaster.  At least he hasn’t nutted a team mate in training though.

Chris Hughton seems like a decent guy but I always get the feeling that he’d be better suited for being an assistant rather than the main man.  However, main man he is and Norwich need a win or else they’ll get that soaky old chef on the pitch again making an arse of herself.  On the walk-up to St Marys, there are few Norwich fans by the Chapel Arms, singing ‘On the ball City’ which as far as I know, is one of those truly dismal ‘new’ football songs that was born that should really have died.  Coventry have that dreadful ‘Sky blues, shooting to win’ which is in a similar vein.  I guess it’s better than ‘When the Spurs go Marching In’.  Twats.

There hasn’t been a lot of news out of St Marys on the playing side this week aside from both Corky and Big Vic being injured.  Off the pitch we’ve had the appointment of Ralph Krueger as Chairman.  His first interview was top class and you feel that the meltdown we were having as a crisis club is not really happening as yet.  He said all the right things and also that words were cheap and it needs action.  As this is a Liebherr appointment, I see no downside in the slightest and the board is taking shape.  As his background is ice hockey, I wonder is Corky and J-Rod can follow up their human curling video with an ice hockey equivalent.  Krueger has been watching games for a few weeks and there’s another bloke here today who is always in the Director’s Box but it’s not a new board member, it’s Roy Hodgson again.

We arrive at the ground at 14.59 (which is entirely down to my Dad being unable to find his season ticket before he left home) and catch the last reading of the teams.  Both JWP and Gaston have come in with Corky out injured and Sir Rickie on the bench.  Norwich have left Nathan Redmond on the bench which is a good thing from our point of view and they don’t have any strikers to bring on, just Van Wolfswinkel and Elmander.  Ah, Snodgrarse is playing – what a moaning tosser that bloke is.

We start off very quickly and are soon knocking it about.  Clyne mis-hits a pass but it turns into a chip and chase for himself and he’s away and completely trashed by a Norwich defender as he knocks it past him.  It’s either a goal kick or a free kick to us so the ref gives a corner.  With JWP on the pitch the corners will be better today and his first one lands on the head of Gaston who gets up and heads it over the bar.

The breakthrough is not long in coming and what a goal it is.  Steve Davis plays it into J-Rod, first time out to Gaston, first time perfectly weighted behind the defence to meet Morgan’s run and slotted past the keeper, easy as you like.  Beautiful goal to take the lead with and what a final ball by Gaston.  Let’s keep him in the team for a bit.

Gaston is pinging the ball about all over the place and the coaching staff must have got into his head about the amount of times he gives the ball away because he’s quite happy to play the easy ball at times and just recycle it.  The back 4 though are giving me the shits with Dejan and Jose looking very casual and needing JWP to bale them out on a couple of occasions.  As I said though, attacking wise Gaston is running the show and is heavily involved in the next two chances, firstly finding Davis who tries to tee himself up but screws his shot wide and then picking up Clyne’s pass and taking aim himself with a sidefooted effort, which goes just wide with the keeper having his feet planted and watching it.  Either very well judged or very lucky.

Fair play to the Norwich fans as they’ve hardly touched the ball for the first 20 minutes but it’s Ole, Ole, Ole when they string three passes together across the back 4.  They’ve created precisely nothing so we do it for them as Fonte’s air-shot at a cross gifts the ball to Hooper who plays a 1-2 with Snodgrarse and then shoots wide when he really should have done better.

The shot from Hooper has seems to have breathed life into Norwich and Olsson goes charging down the left and is upended by Davis.  The referee surveys the Norwich player who is clearly dead.  Sure enough, the yellow card comes out for the Saints man and it has miraculous healing powers as the little shit is resurrected from the dead and it’s not even Easter yet.  They waste the free kick but another cross comes in and Pilkington attempts to punch it into the net, misses and gets booked anyway for being a wanker. 

It’s half time and we are clearly the far more accomplished side but I feel that in the last 20 minutes we have been brought down to Norwich’s level which is somewhere below sea level.  We’ve not helped ourselves by being very casual at the back and King Artur kicking every ball straight out of play.  It has been amusing watching Snodgrarse getting no change at all out of Luke Shaw and being reduced to flopping on the ground and imploring the officials for free kicks.  Last time I checked, you don’t get a free kick for not being good enough.

It’s remarkable that even though he “doesn’t speak a word of English”, Mauricio has got it sorted at the start of the second half and we’re back on it.  JWP rumbles forward from his defensive midfield position and as no Norwich defender fancies closing him down he hits it, forcing Ruddy to push it past the post.

The corner comes to nothing but the next one nearly brings the football equivalent of rocking horse shit as JWP’s delivery is met by a Lallana header in front of Ruddy and his flicked header sails about a foot wide.  That’s his last contribution by have no fear Mr Hodgson, we’re replacing one England international with another as he’s replaced with Sir Rickie, which pushes J-Rod out to his normal position.  Adam hasn’t been as effective today as he’s been shunted left to accommodate Gaston but he’s still shown his trademark ability on the ball and yes Roy, he is better than Rooney and Welbeck.

I don’t want to be smug about this as it’s hardly a big thing to predict that your centre forward will score but I did and with a minute he had, as Clyne’s chip from the right was obligingly flicked on by a Norwich defender and Sir Rickie was 1v1 with Yobo who he easily turned inside before sidefooting it past Ruddy.

I notice that Gaston has waddled over towards the bench and he’s off to be replaced with Guly and Hughton replaces three players who have been more shite than the other eight, with Redmond and two non-strikers in Elmander and van Wolfswinkel.  The next action is us making it 3-0 as Sir Rickie puts Guly in on goal, his shot is blocked by Ruddy but loops back to Sir Rickie who instead of blasting it, lays it sideways for J-Rod to smash into the net.  If ever there was an illustration of how good the man is then that was it.

It’s suddenly looking like we might hit 5 or 6 as Norwich have completely gone and we’re toying with them.  J-Rod picks up a pass from Guly on the corner of the penalty area and smashes it past Ruddy only to see it ping off the angle of post and bar.  Then Sir Rickie gets put through by Davis and leathers it at the goal but Ruddy gets down to make a good block.

There are 5 minutes to go when we have the ball in the right back position and Jose finally gets caught out for being casual and attempts to find JWP but succeeds only in putting Elmander clean through but even then it’s still a surprise that he manages to poke it under King Artur to make it 3-1.  My son turns to me and says “doesn’t matter does it Dad?”.  Before I have chance to reply, Guly has presented the ball to a Norwich player with a casual pass with the outside of his foot and the balls ended up with van Wolfswinkel who surprises everyone by getting a shot on target which King Artur can only push out as far as Snodgrarse who has managed to escape from Luke Shaw’s pocket (as Shaw is up the pitch not expecting Guly to fuck up like that) and smashes it in the net for 3-2.  You have got to be fucking joking. Yes son, it does matter.

Mauricio tries to give us time to think and brings on Big Sam for J-Rod and straight away its all gone wrong as Dejan Lovren has somehow been bollocksed (literally) and after a break, has to go off and now we’re down to 10 men.  Morgan has gone to centre back as Norwich lob the ball into the box in search of what would be the most undeserved equalizer in history.  Five minutes of injury time…. Piss off!!!!

We seem to have calmed down now but every time Norwich get the ball there are nerves.  They lob it in again, Guly heads clear and Tettey falls over allowing Steve Davis to gallop up the pitch and square it to Big Sam who scoops it over Ruddy and in before someone boots it away from about a yard behind the line. I’m not a religious man but thank God, 4-2.  Get in!

The full time whistle blows before there is a chance for us to play another through ball to a Norwich striker.  We got there in the end but the fact that we had a nervy few minutes was ridiculous and served us right for the air of casualness which surrounded the centre backs and the goalkeeper today.

With Roy Hodgson in his usual seat both J-Rod and Sir Rickie gave performances to make him sit up and take notice.  Hodgson said in the past that J-Rod was a wide forward and not a striker and he’s dead right and today proved it again as he struggled until Sir Rickie came on and was then superb once moved out left where he had a bit of space.  Sir Rickie of course scored after a minute of coming on and then set up J-Rod’s goal on a plate when he could have lashed it himself.  He’s a bit better than his rival for a place who can only head the ball.  Shaw was solid and Lallana was decent for the hour he played.  Nathaniel Clyne was again excellent at right back and must be edging very close to Kyle Walker’s spot in the England squad.

Post match interviews again threw Morgan Schneiderlin’s name into the reckoning as he once again has been ignored by France.  Personally I don’t want to see England going down this route but you can’t say that England wouldn’t benefit from having him there.  A proper defensive midfielder who can pass it, tackle, run and score goals.  Carrick only ticks the first one of those.  Match of the Day interviewed Sir Rickie and tried to stir up interest in Sir Rickie vs J-Rod for one spot on the plane.  Robbie Savage of course would take a footballer who can only head the ball but then of course, Savage is Welsh and Savage is a complete cock and has no interest in England moving away from one dimensional smash it up the park football .  Match of the Day did miss out on some comedy gold by not showing the Mauricio interview about Dejan’s injury.  The translator repeating ‘trod on his testicle’ was a classic moment as was Mauricio’s response of ‘Mucho’ in reply to the ridiculous ‘does it hurt?’ question that followed.  Tell you what, I’ll stand on your bollocks and you tell me if it hurts.

Norwich for their part were absolutely shocking.  Chris Hughton spouted a load of crap in his post match interview, using the phrases ‘character’ and ‘we hung in there’.  Firstly, they showed no character whatsoever in any part of the game until they had been gifted two goals and how can you be hanging in there at 3-0 down?  Hughton will no doubt get the flak for their performance but the players have to look at themselves.  In Snodgrarse, Pilkington and Johnson they have three of the worst whingers I’ve ever seen. If you’re having a great game and putting in the proverbial 110% then you have the right to have a moan at others.  However, they and many of the Norwich team played like they couldn’t give a shit.  We were heavily linked with Gary Hooper a while back and today proved that he’s no better than Billy Sharp – in fact, Billy would have caused us more problems today if he’d been playing up front for Norwich.  I have a feeling that Norwich will just about stay up due to the failings of others but if they have a relegation 6 pointer against anyone coming up soon, I’m backing the other team.

A final word today for those who take to Twitter and various forums to slag Sir Rickie off every week.  You’re just wrong.  You’re always wrong.  I’m always seeing him blamed for everything, usually for our lack of goals despite the amount of chances he sets up for everyone and scores himself (as illustrated by the stats on Match of the Day).  I’ve even seemed him blamed for Osvaldo leaving as he never settled as he was in the wrong position cos Rickie was there etc etc…. bollocks!  What are you going to write this week?

Next up we have a trip to White Hart Lane at a time when Tottenham’s season is imploding.  We have always found a way to lose to Tottenham since we’ve been back in the Premier League and in all three games, we really should have got more out of it than the defeat we ended up with.  Assuming Dejan’s Buster Gonad Impression is no longer possible then maybe this is the time.  Oh yes Spurs, it’s our song you twats.