What the hell is that...
Doncaster Rovers come to SMS on the back of a strange sequence of results in which they drew at West Ham and drew with Reading before limply losing to Derby and Millwall in games they were expected to pick up points in. So, they’ve done Saints favours and then not done themselves any favours. Losing to teams you should beat is of course where Saints were when we went to Donny earlier in the season and got beat 1-0, courtesy of a goal by Billy Sharp which should now of course be classed as an own goal.
Predictably, it’s all about Billy in the build up to this game with both Donny manager Dean Saunders and surprisingly, Nigel Adkins specifically talking about our £1.8 million signing who has only started 2 games for us so far. Fate appears to be conspiring for him to start against his former club with injuries having befallen all of Tadanari Lee, David Connolly and Guly. There is no truth in the rumour that Billy was responsible for kicking all three of them.
On a serious note, Billy has also been in the media, bravely talking about the tragic death of his two day old son, in order to publicize the foundation set up in his sons name for research into Gastroschisis. For more information please visit http://www.ljsfoundation.org.uk/
As explained in the blog for the away game, Doncaster are of course, Willie McKay Rovers with the agent supplying them with a steady stream of Premiership players who can’t get a game at the club that pays them. Willie replaced Billy Sharp with ex-Skate Frederic Piquionne who has already played at SMS once this season with West Ham when he was played out on the left wing in a Fat Sam Tactical Masterstroke when needless to say, he was shite. He’s a decent centre forward though and partnering him will be El Hadji Diouf whose character may be questionable (to put it politely) but his ability is not. When Sir Rickie won the Championship Player of the Year Award, Diouf got a special award for completing the full set and having spat at someone on all 92 league grounds.
In other news we’ve had another transfer window close, not the proper one which ends in January but the emergency loan one which opened up two weeks afterwards. This means that you could only sign players for the duration of January and then had to wait a whole two weeks before signing any more. Now clubs have to go a whole 8 or 9 games with the same squads – how will they cope? Define ‘Emergency’ for me please – to me, an emergency is when you haven’t got a goalkeeper or you haven’t got 10 outfield players and that’s about it.
So, the “I need a new striker because all my current ones are shite” argument is not one that should wash but it appears that it does in this world where you can be one month late with your accounts and get banned from bringing in any players but you can bring some in if you’re £50 million in debt and in administration. You’ve probably worked out where I’m going with this one. A Skates emergency is to sign an additional striker because you have Dave Kitson, who is paid £20k a week but you don’t want him to play because he gets booed by the crowd. It’s an emergency because he may get offended, like he did when he stated that people who make jokes at the expense of ginger haired people were racist.
Whilst I’m ranting, I’m gonna repeat a rant at the loan system in general and ask how is it not distorting the competition when you loan to/from clubs in the same division as you. This shouldn’t be allowed, nor should loan players be allowed to play in Cup competitions.
The most unsurprising news of all is that Billy Sharp does indeed start for Saints with Steve de Ridder given an opportunity to impress in the SFC position of death, known as the right hand side of midfield. There’s also a straight swap at right back with Danny Butterfield starting in place of Frazer who one assumes, has a bit of a knock. Donny meanwhile, line up with a team full of players with Premiership experience and Simon Gillet who had a few decent games for us but is so small that opposition players could take the phrase ‘had him in your pocket’ literally. I’m watching Donny warm up and wonder who the guy is with the ridiculous plant on his head – turns out that it’s Pascal Chimbonda who I always thought was a twat and now he’s a twat with a plant on his head. No discussion of hairstyles would be complete without El Hadji Diouf, sporting the ‘inverted arse’ hairstyle, captain today and the player who symbolises this whole Willie McKay tie-in… it’s all a bit nasty. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Saints game without the opposition having Fat Sam reject players in their ranks as both Piquionne and Ilunga have been banished from the Fat Sam Total Football Academy for not being able to smash it 70 yards up to John Carew.
The first knockings of the game see the contrast between two players on the wings, one who plays regularly and one who doesn’t as de Ridder is struggling to control the ball and running around like a Jack Russell that keeps knocking the ball just that little bit too far in front of him. On the other wing is Adam Lallana whose first action is to kill the ball stone dead and whilst working in no space, totally skin Chimbonda and set off down the wing. Butters is looking a bit rusty at right back and it’s obvious that Beye has no idea of how to play against Sir Rickie who looks to be in bullying mood.
Donny are here to play though and a decent passing move in midfield sends Gillet away on the right and he negotiates the long grass which is over his head and fires in a decent cross which is met at the back post by Piquionne who reminds us all why he won the Ballon de Plomb (literal translation ‘the Ball of lead’) for being the worst player in the French League, by heading over wastefully. At the other end, Steeeeve has managed to get his first run at Ilunga and beaten him, smashing over a low cross which Ikeme nearly fumbles into the net at his near post but regathers just in front of the incoming Billy Sharp.
Piquionne for all his clumsiness and previous awards, looks a decent player at times and none more so when he totally does Jos down our left wing and cuts along the byline. His pass across to Diouf is accurate but luckily the shitbag takes a touch, allowing Jack Cork to chuck himself in front of the shot and deflect it wide for a corner. Piquionne’s next contribution is no so great as he controls a ball forward from his centre half and with a wonderful cushioned touch, plays it straight back 30 yards to Sir Rickie who turns, plays a 1-2 with Billy before being crowded out by Beye.
Donny of course, have to have some players that they own and these have a tendency to be a bit shit. One of them is Lockwood who when confronted with a flying Steeeeve just ignores the ball and tackles him like an American Football Safety (I think they call the block tacklers that). It’s probably the tackle at SMS that was made the furthest away from the ball since the days of Paul Wotton.
The first half peters out without too much going on aside from Diouf having a horrible dive to win a free kick and Ilunga posturing about like he’s the hardest bloke in the world. Maybe he is though so better not say too much. Beye finds a way to play against Sir Rickie and rakes his studs down the back of his leg causing him to hit the deck for a few seconds. Half time and not great so far and now the other scores – Reading are winning at home to Blackpool and The Fat Sam Total Football Academy are 2-0 down at Burnley… maybe 0-0 isn’t so bad after all. Half time brings some Chuckle Brothers chat where the moronic unfunny one is looking down the list of names on the back of the programme and trying out his accidental-deliberate-unfunny-shut-up-you-twat spoonerisms. He is delighted when he gets to Danny Fox and turns round and tells a whole load of people who are not in the least bit interested. Back to the match and the impression I get is that the Donny defence isn’t that great and we just need a break of the ball and we’ll score.
Having said that, it’s not in the plan for Sir Rickie to only last 5 minutes after the restart before he hobbles off having failed to run off whatever it was. I’m expecting Lee Barnard to come on in a straight swap but it’s reshuffle time as Chappers comes on with Steeeeeve going up front. The immediately raised the prospect of Bald Psycho steaming into Ilunga and us finding out if he was as hard as he posed.
Chappers has immediately made a difference, adding urgency and generally making us play quicker. When the goal comes however, it’s from a set piece as Foxy’s corner is headed home powerfully by Billy Sharp, all on his own about 6 yards out. It’s a popular goal with the Saints fans going nuts and even a few of the Donny fans applauding when they realise who has scored. I expect the ones who clapped were the fatalistic ones who had money on it. It makes you wonder how Billy got a free header from 6 yards when he’s not the biggest – well, having seen the replay it appears that the worlds hardest footballer lost him. The Moron Chuckle Brother is delighted that Danny Fox has contributed to the goal and tries to start a chant of the corner takers spoonerism name. Yep, still not funny.
It’s nearly 2-0 straight away as Chappers crosses a superb ball inbetween the defence and the keeper and Billy rises before pulling his best 50p head impression and putting it wide before punching the ground in annoyance. I too am looking for something to punch but it would be a bit obvious if I turned round and lamped him.
There are 20 minutes to go and it’s time for Lee Barnard to reintroduce himself to the SMS faithful as he comes on to replace Steeeeve who after a shaky start has done pretty well today. Donny have definitely lost the spring in the step that they had at the start of the game and it makes you realise that that is the problem with the Willie McKay system. The players have no affinity for the club they’re at and a number of them really don’t give a shit as soon as it gets a bit difficult. As he gets substituted I remember that Giles Barnes is playing in midfield for Donny, or rather Giles Barnes’ fat twin brother. Maybe he ate the thin one.
It gets more difficult for them right now as a long ball forward by Jose sees Billy competing with Beye who makes a complete bollocks of it and presents Billy with a clear shot at goal which he runs round to get it on his right foot before smashing it past Ikeme to make it 2-0 and game over. Despite not celebrating like a loon out of respect for the Donny fans who worshipped him, Billy manages to get booked for high fiving a young kid in the front row of the Chapel. Referees really have got a pole up their arse sometimes.
With 15 to go Nigel obviously thinks we’ve done enough and Adam Lallana comes off to be replaced with Deano. There’s only one more half chance as the game peters out with an Ikeme clearance hitting Billy and rebounding to Chappers whose first time chip drifted wide. El Hadji Phlegm managed to get himself booked by making the universally understood sign for binoculars at the linesman who should have responded with the universally understood sign for masturbator. Diouf is a good player and far too good to be playing for a team near the bottom of the Championship but he’s a bell end who does exactly what he wants to do and then he pulls out a couple of dives for good measure, one of which appears to cause Butters and Deano to laugh at him.
Full time and the 30,000 crowd rise in acclaim of another job well done. It wasn’t spectacular but it was efficient and you have to remember, Donny have recently prevented both of our promotion rivals from beating them. Talking of the rivals, well Reading beat Blackpool 3-1 and even though the Fat Sam Total Football Academy fought back to get a 2-2 draw, it’s still a very good day as we’re now 5 points ahead of Reading and 9 ahead of Fat Sam even though he has a game in hand.
There were some very good performances for us today with the standouts being Jack Cork and Chappers in midfield. Though I was a bit puzzled by the substitution at the time, getting Chappers on the pitch was vital to breaking down the opposition today and it woke us up as a team and introduced some energy which had previously been lacking. Ultimately though, today is all about Billy Sharp who took his two goals superbly to prove that he deserves to start and give him a superb end to what must have been a bit of a difficult weekend. Oh yeah… and he also appears to think that Chimbonda is a twat. To be fair, Donny played ok but there's no soul there. Their fans are a decent bunch so I hope for their sake that they stay up and this 'experiment' is declared a failure and they build for a future with more solid foundations, building a side around the likes of Gillet and Coppinger and not the Billy big bollocks players who don't appear to really care.
Onto next week and we are at Blackpool for what on paper is the most difficult game we have left. They are currently one place below the playoffs and I’m sure that Ian Holloway will have them up for it, especially after they lost to Reading today. One would hope that Kevin Phillips is prepared for 90 minutes of songs about Vodafone Salesmen. Next Saturday also sees West Ham entertain Reading which will be an interesting game for us and this will also be the only time this season you see ‘West Ham’ and ‘entertain’ in the same sentence.
7 games left, 15 points needed
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