"You mock-a ma picture, I kill you"
A new season here at last and cautiously optimistic. It was a least certain that we wouldn’t go into it looking like a bunch of strangers like we usually do in the first match as we have the same manager and by and large, the same players. The sun was shining and Leeds were in town with a very large and loud away following which was nice, having got used to the Hartlepool and Dagenham Massive over the past two years. The pitch and the ground looked magnificent but all paled into insignificance next to the cover of the match programme which was the soon to be legendary photo of Don Cortese looking cool as fuck. I want it on a t-shirt. I want a Don Cortese action figure. I want it on one of those cut out things you see in fairgrounds so I can stick my head through it and have my photo taken – I want to be that cool and hard. I was in the ground with 20 minutes to kick off and the Chuckle Brothers weren’t there. Hopes of them moving seats were in my mind.
It was a bit of a surprise when the team was read out and Aaron Martin was in the side as Jose Fonte’s partner in defence. I guess Nigel really was annoyed at the way Seaborne and Jaidi played at Yeovil. Richardson
I was resplendent in last season’s sash kit and it as really noticeable how many of the new shirts were on display, especially in the Northam End. No wonder they change them every year now. Whilst I was pondering the sales and marketing plans of the commercial department of SFC, the Chuckle Brothers arrived, bollocks. It’s like being on a train when some complete nut job gets on (usually at Havant) and sits next to you – that sinking feeling, only at SMS you cannot get up and move or pretend that it’s your stop and you’re getting off. I await the first whine and painfully unfunny comment of the season.
The first whine comes from Robert Snodgrarse when Dan Harding has the temerity to challenge him for a header. It can’t be a good sign when you’re berating a linesman after about 2 minutes. Leeds are playing in the time honoured tradition of all Leeds teams down the years and leaving the foot in whenever possible and then there was Michael Brown. He’s hasn’t been a footballer for six months while he waited for his Skates contract to run down and despite signing for Leeds and training with them, he still isn’t a footballer, he’s just a thug, ignoring the ball and booting whatever Saints player happens to have it. The referee really should have booked him after about 5 minutes for clattering Jack Cork but in his wisdom decided to let it go.
Saints are withstanding the rough stuff pretty well and getting on with it but Leeds had a decent chance on 8 minutes when Harding allowed his winger a free header and the ball fell for Howson to smash straight at Superkelv who got a bit lucky when the rebound was cleared. The season was up and flying two minutes later though when The Gulyman fed a clever pass infield to Hammond who charged towards goal as the Leeds defenders backed off. When they closed him down it was too late and left foot, bang, 1-0 flying inside the near post. Get in. Deano first showed us his dodgy goal celebration drop kick v Bournemouth last year and it really hasn't improved.
Fifteen minutes later we were all in a semi dreamland as Sir Rickie fed in Lallana who cut back inside hopeless donkey Andy O’Brien and curled a shot past Lonergan and in off the far post. A minute later and it’s nearly 3 as Lallana got on the end of a Gulyman pull back only for Lonergan to come flying out and smother the shot.
Shellshocked Leeds were trying to feed Max Gradel at every opportunity and he looked like he had the pace to worry Richardson but Saints were working hard and in the main denying him the room and Superkelv remained largely untroubled in our goal. It’s amazing how he can be untroubled by 11 opposition players but get tied in knots by a football which he has to kick in the vague direction of one of our players. Hoof… throw in, hoof…. goal kick.
The remainder of the first half sees Aaron Martin improving and winning his headers cleanly and Frazer beginning to get to grips with Gradel. Harding had got Snodgrarses mind off the game as he was still in linesman attack mode. Michel Brown, having committed about 5 fouls, finally got the booking he deserved when he mouthed off. Half time and it really couldn’t have gone any better which you could tell by the fact that the Chuckle Brothers hadn’t annoyed me even once. There was nothing to moan about.
There were threats at the start of the second half, firstly from a bastard great black cloud that caught the floodlight operators out and secondly from Leeds through Gradel when he theatrically fell to the ground under a challenge from Cork and went into full ‘child lying on the floor in Tesco, beating his hands on the floor while his mother walks off’ mode. It’s embarrassing but not embarrassing enough for the ref who sees neither the fall or the hissy fit as being worthy of a booking.
Gradel’s mood didn’t improve five minutes later and it’s 3-0 with Connolly playing a 1-2 with Lallana and sidefooting a lovely strike across Lonergan and into the far corner. It’s class of the highest order, just a brilliant finish. Like an old flea-ridden mangey dog that has no further function or purpose, Michael Brown was put out of his misery and substituted as Leeds now needed players who had the slightest chance of making a positive contribution.
Leeds day is going from poor to abysmal and even the magnificent backing given by their fans changed when the once promising Darren O’Dea swings in a free kick which doesn’t go within 20 yards of a Leeds player before going for a goal kick. ‘What the fuck is going on?’ ask the Leeds fans and who can blame them. O’Dea responds by continuing to be crap and have a big tantrum at the linesman, all foot stamping and arm waving and again the ref decides to ignore it.
Steve De Ridder was the first player summoned from the bench to replace Connolly and he went up front with Chappers coming on for the Gulyman, I assume to try lend Richardson Leeds had a chance when the once highly rated Paynter was played clean through with a ball over the top. Looking miles offside he bore down on Superkelv before being possessed by the ghost of Bradley Wright-Phillips and tamely hitting it at the keeper.
The referee underlined how poor he was by almost randomly booking a few Leeds players when he really should have booked them for their offences in the previous 70 minutes. Schneiderlin came on for Hammond who had had a very influential match as Saints looked to try and play the game out. Even so, we had a couple of chances for 4-0 with first Martin heading into the ground and watching it bounce over the bar and then a Lallana-Chaplow break ended with the follically challenged midfield maestro smashing in a shot which Lonergan did well to tip onto the post. There was a half should for a penalty from the rebound as Chappers got to it first and was bundled off it. Undeterred, Chappers got up and tried to prevent the full back clearing it an nearly took out the linesman with a slide tackle,
A slight bit of gloss was taken off the result with a shit decision from a linesman to award a penalty against Aaron Martin for deliberately and maliciously blocking the ball with his chest. Complete bollocks but regardless, Gradel stuck the penalty away with ease. We kicked off and it was all over. Piece of piss this Championship lark.
We couldn’t have asked for better than that really as a first game and 3-1 in truth, flattered Leeds . We were really just playing out the last 25 minutes but we still had chances to score. Of the debutants, Jack Cork did exactly what I expected and was clam and classy on the ball with the ability to put a foot in when necessary. Steve de Ridder looked good in patches but it’s hard for a forward to come on when the team is not really busting a gut to get bodies forward from midfield. It’ll be interesting to see him in his natural right wing position. I thought Aaron Martin did really well aside from one wobbly moment in the first half when he gifted the ball to Leeds in our half but he improved as the game went on and the only way he’s going to continue doing that is by playing regularly – who knows how good he can be ? Sir Rickie had a great game as a target man without really looking like scoring himself and it was all positive in truth. If you can find fault in that performance then you really haven’t seen too many of our other first day performances. The moan that I heard most often as I left the ground was due to the non-appearance of Chambo on the bench. Of course - he'll be leaving as soon as possible. I can't be arsed to get worried about it any more.
In truth, Leeds were poor and had nothing up front so lets not get too carried away. They won’t be the worst side we play at SMS this season either though. What we need now is a first away win and Barnsley away next Saturday has got to be a decent chance of at least a point. Before that though it’s Torquay in the Carling Cup when I fully expect to see a side of fringe players hopefully, keep the winning habit going.
All aboard the bus…
The Moment the Season Started....
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